Divorce (2016) s02e06 Episode Script
Losing It
1 - How do you have a Tesla? - It's my friend woman's.
You mean girlfriend.
- Does this person have a name? - Jackie? - Dallas? - I'm her therapist.
- I have to break up with her.
- She has a daughter who's approximately the same age as Tom.
- Where are you going? - Somewhere more fun than this.
Look, I can be with Andrew, but it's just not what I'm looking for right now.
Are you sure? He's so cute.
If you could paint a few more, we have a show.
- There's no way I could do more paintings.
- I'll give you a month.
Thank you for the invite.
It was very big of you.
FRANCES: If he's happy, I'm happy.
JACKIE: I probably should be thanking you.
- For what? - For divorcing him.
(BOTH PANTING) (GRUNTS) BOTH: Oh! That's all right, it's not gonna take that long to pick up 7,000 pennies.
(WHISPERS) Is that 7,000 pennies? Well, I'm rounding up, but it's a lot of pennies.
(BOTH LAUGHING) I'm sorry.
Do you think Mom would let me dye my hair purple? No.
And God bless her for that.
All right, give me five minutes.
I'm gonna rustle up some cheese and crackers for you, okay? - Okay.
- This place is Xanadu, right? (OBJECTS CLATTERING) (DOORKNOB RATTLING) Hey.
Hey, - who's in there? - Hey, Dad.
Dude, I thought you were a vagrant.
What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at Matthew's.
He's sick.
He has a stomach bug.
Oh.
Ugh, what a drag.
Let me jump in real quick, 'cause I gotta pee.
Yeah, I'm right about to hop in the shower.
- Can you give me a sec? - I have one bathroom.
I have to pee.
Let me Is that a bra? - (WHISPERS) Shit.
- Oh, hi, Robert.
Ah! Shit! What the actual fuck, man? (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Okay, uh, Ella, could you get some more clothing on, please? Tom, get your ass out of that bathroom.
Oh, shit.
Lila "Crocodile-a," honey, I need to have a grown-up conversation with Tom, all right? - Stop calling me that.
- I I promise.
- Dude, just to reiterate, man, what the fuck? - (DOOR CLOSES) Dad, it's really not that big of a deal.
It's sex, okay? We've had a lot of conversations about this.
But, I mean, the the first time on the bathroom floor of your father's apartment, that that's not a place for it to go down, so to speak.
It's not the first time.
We've done it before.
Okay, there's so many things that I want to talk about right now.
I'm gonna skip over the first four and go to number five.
- Are you wearing rubbers? - Dad! Bye, Tom.
See you at my mom's, Robert.
- 'Kay.
- Bye.
Say hi to your mom.
(DOOR CLOSES) Fuck! Of all the girls in the world, you gotta pick my girlfriend's daughter? I don't know, she likes me.
This is a real shitbasket, Tom.
A real shitbasket.
Oh, no, no, no, please don't clean up.
Please, let me do it.
Let me do it.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Oh, thank God.
- (BOTH LAUGHING) Well, I'm sorry to, uh, leave you amidst this financial crisis.
- (LAUGHS) - Oh, you know what? I'm meeting Sylvia, to hang her show tonight.
Excellent.
Well, maybe I'll just see you tomorrow.
Oh, uh I don't I don't think I can tomorrow.
That's all right.
No worries.
I got a late-night dinner with clients.
You're just making me stay late to do bad karaoke after.
(LAUGHS) What's your song? - "Bohemian Rhapsody," of course.
- Bold.
- What about you? - "Seasons in the Sun.
" Every single time.
Isn't it about a dying guy? Well, yes, but you know what? The chorus is surprisingly uplifting.
ROBERT: When we got to the apartment, they weren't actually having sex, but apparently that ship has sailed.
That's it? Oh, my God, you made me so nervous.
I thought something was actually wrong.
Mild or spicy? - Oh, spicy.
- ROBERT: Mild.
Spicy.
Uh, that's fine, thank you.
Maybe you're not clear on the whole "sex boat leaving the harbor" thing.
- I mean, your daughter and my son are having - MAN: Here you go.
(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you.
- MAN: You're welcome.
- Sexual relations.
They're teenagers.
That's what teenagers do.
And Tom is so cute.
You're not reacting at all like I thought you would react.
I mean, you were more concerned about "the mole.
" JACKIE: What do you want me to do? Mostly, I am just glad that Ella is dating nice guys and not those shits she was dating back in the city.
Tom is a good kid.
Well, thank you.
Yeah, he is.
And I've always encouraged Ella to be her true self.
It just turns out that her true self is kind of sexual.
Oh, thank you so much.
And if she's gonna have sex, I told her it shouldn't be all hand jobs and blow jobs.
It should be enjoyable for her as well.
It should help her figure out the totality of who she is.
You said "hand jobs" and "blow jobs" to your daughter? - Yeah.
- That's a very progressive perspective.
Would you rather Tom kept his private life from you? - Yes.
- Look, Ella's had sex before.
She's gonna have sex again.
And I'm just glad she can come to me if anything goes wrong.
Tom is gonna be just fine.
Okay, cool.
Cool.
(CHUCKLES) Cool.
(MUSIC PLAYING) If you got a problem Don't care what it is If you need a hand, I can assure you this I can help I got two strong arms I can help It would sure do me good To do you good Let me help.
(MUSIC CONTINUES) Mm, you don't have an extra toothbrush lying around, do you? - I hate hairy teeth.
- Ugh, I know.
It's like, uh it's like your teeth are wearing sweaters.
- (CHUCKLES) - No, sorry.
Mm, here.
Nothing here.
Well Ah, yes.
Hair of the dog.
(DOOR OPENS) Good morning, ladies.
- Good morning.
- (DOOR CLOSES) I got you an iced coffee, Frances.
Sylvia, I would've gotten one for you, but I didn't know that you were gonna be here.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Mm, interesting pizza and coffee.
Frances, guess who I saw - at my aerial Pilates class this morning.
- Um Penny Loafer Susan.
- Oh! - Ooh, floor time fun.
- Can I join you, ladies? - Oh, of course.
Wait, weren't you wearing that yesterday? (GASPS) Are you on a walk of shame? (CHUCKLES) No.
No, not at all, no.
We were here all night working.
Yeah.
Look, it's all hung.
Wow.
Really, all night? - Yeah, but - Wow.
It wasn't so bad, was it? (GROANING) Now it all looks wonderful, that's for sure.
But I can't believe you were here working all night long.
- My goodness.
- Well, we did take a little pizza break.
And had a heated debate about space aliens.
Oh, my God, don't ask.
And then we figured, "Oh, you know, we're up.
Might as well stay and watch the sun rise.
" Oh.
Wow, look at you two.
Like a cute little indie movie, the two of you.
(SMACKS LIPS) Hey, Frances, how's Andrew doing? Hmm? Not to toot my own horn, Sylvia, but I don't know if you know that I was the one who set Frances up with her boyfriend.
Toot-toot.
I thought you just got divorced.
You have a boyfriend already? No.
(CHUCKLES) No, no, no.
He's not a boyfriend.
Not a boyfriend.
He's a nice guy, but, honestly, things are more serious with my mailman.
No, we're just uh, we're casual.
You know? It's fun.
So, is it like the fun you had with Julian? Well, having fun with one person while you're still married to another person, it turns out that's not fun.
You had an affair? - That's kind of fucked up.
- Excuse me, Frances is not "kind of fucked up.
" She was involved in an intricate situation where her emotional needs were simply not being met.
- Plain and simple.
- (LAUGHS) Well I don't know if it's plain and simple, but - that's a version.
- Put it this way.
Frances's divorce was a difficult time for all of us.
And look at her, she is just thriving now.
No, fucked up is good.
- Like, it's interesting.
- Oh.
You got more layers to you than I thought, Frances.
How many layers did you think I had? Two, Three.
Well, in that case, my many newly revealed layers thank you.
- FRANCES: Here you go.
- Ah, thanks for this.
When I pulled mine out of storage, something had chewed through all the strings, which was rather unsettling.
Well, you're welcome to mine.
I haven't played since before Lila was born.
God, how did I let Diane talk me into this tennis clinic anyway? - You know I'm not a group person.
- Oh, I know.
I remember vividly your one week in book club.
Say what you want, but I was right about "The Grapes of Wrath.
" Yes, it's depressing, but it is in fact about the Great Depression.
- (CHUCKLES) - I don't think Steinbeck was really interested in lightening the mood.
Lila, come on, honey, hurry up.
Maria's mom's gonna be here any second.
- Good-bye.
- Be nice! - I'll try.
- LILA: Mom? - Mm-hmm? - Can I dye my hair purple, please? Yeah, definitely not.
Dad said I could.
- He did? - (HORN HONKS) Well, he told me to ask you.
Oh, okay, then.
No.
So, I am not allowed to dye my hair, but Tom can have sex with Ella in Dad's bathroom? Okay.
Wait, I'm I'm s what? Wait, what? W what? - FRANCES: So, thank you once again - (ROBERT EXHALES) for fitting us in on such short notice.
Today, we are not here to discuss marital issues, but we're here to talk about my girlfriend's daughter.
Wait, so you're having an affair now? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, we we got divorced.
Yup.
Miss a little, miss a lot.
He shaved his mustache.
You probably noticed that because you're a professional observer.
A few months ago, this could've easily turned into a 12-rounder, but now, you know, we just say to each other, "Hey, let's go see a third party and just wade through this puddle of vomit.
" Well, that's kind of a unnecessary vivid image, but, yes, yes, we want to wade through this separately, together.
Because we've comfortably fallen into this pattern of you take care of your side of the street, I'll take care of mine.
Right, but then there's this dangerous intersection where these head-on collisions happen.
Fender benders.
So, the issue is (SIGHS) our 16-year-old son, Tom, who has recently become sexually active with Robert's girlfriend's daughter.
In his house, under his roof, in his bathroom, on his watch.
- Sounds worse than it is.
- Not really.
Okay, look, admittedly, it's a lot to chew on, but I'm completely sensitive to the fact that it might be harder for Frances to embrace the fact that our son Tom is having sex for the first time, given her traditional, uh, sense of human sexuality.
I'm sorry? Well, when we were married, 8 out of every 10 times we had sex, I was the the, you know, initiator.
That is complete and utter bullshit.
Complete and utter bullshit.
He is basing this on one incident where you woke me up at 3:00 in the morning when I had influenza.
- Fever broken, on the mend.
- Okay, you know what? I don't know how this is helping us.
The point is Robert's judgment, or lack of judgment see, I don't know what is going on in your house when Jackie's there.
I don't know what Tom is accidentally seeing or hearing.
Yeah, it's a regular sex den over there.
- It's just wall-to-wall sex.
- Okay, okay, okay.
I'm just all I'm saying is just maybe a little discretion, that's all, when the kids are around.
In my estimation, there has been no indiscretion.
- Anyway, moving forward.
- (MOUTHS WORD) I think that we need to implement some basic, simple ground rules and agree to establish the environments of our home are the same.
I agree.
Oh, okay, good.
Okay, so Tom's door stays open when Ella is over.
And she can only come over if there is an adult in the house.
Done.
- Great.
- Great.
So, this was a complete waste of time and money.
So, you want a ride back to Hastings? I drove in.
I wanted to be the master of my own destiny and not be at the mercy of all the commuters with their their khakis and their pocket beers.
Uh, yeah, no, thanks.
I'm just gonna stay in, 'cause I gotta get stuff for the gallery.
Okay.
- Be safe.
- Bye.
Bye-bye.
Oh, hello, sir.
Um, might I interest you in a 32-volume edition of the "Encyclopedia Britannica"? Oh, you know, unfortunately, I just bought a full set.
A brunette just came by.
She was very persuasive.
Oh, Veronica! Drats! Foiled again.
- Ah, well.
Good day, sir.
- Good day.
(LAUGHS) Get in here.
- Hello.
- Hi.
(DOORBELL RINGS) - Oh, hey, Ella.
- Hi.
- How's it going? - Good.
Is your mom here? No.
I think she should be back in, like, an hour, though.
Do you wanna come in and wait? No, no, no, it's good.
I should've called first.
I'll catch up with her later.
- I'll tell her you came by.
- All right.
- Wait, Ella, um - What's up? - I'm here, so, uh - Yup.
I don't really know what is or is not going on with you and and Tom.
Just 'cause I'm, heh, you know, Commander Oblivious.
- Wait, what? - Well, I know that you and your mom have an understanding about sexuality, and I'm totally cool with that.
She explained it to me and I'm totally okay with that.
Absolutely you be you.
It's just that you're more advanced than Tom, uh, in the physical department, if that makes sense to you.
(STUTTERS) And I just would hope that you wouldn't push him along too quickly.
Sure.
All right, look, I just had another quick thought.
Maybe whenever you guys are alone together in any sort of man-made structures, keep all the doors and windows open? How's that sound? - Okay.
- Great! I'm glad we had this talk.
Cleared the deck.
Cleared the air.
(CHUCKLES) All right.
Let's soul shake on it.
- Mm.
- All right, tell your mom I'll catch up with her later.
And and just have a great day.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Hey.
Look who's here.
- Hey.
Just who I was hoping to see.
Oh.
- You going for a run? - Yeah.
Good.
Get those endorphins going.
Just really quick, I I wanted to acknowledge that that I'm aware that you you have made some recent advances sexually.
- Oh, my God, Mom! - No, no, no, no, no! Honey, I don't wanna make you feel uncomfortable.
You're not in trouble, all right? This is a natural part of growing up and becoming a young man.
All right? I have no problem - I seriously do have to go.
- with that.
All right, but we we should we should talk about consent.
Our guidance counselor already talked to us about it.
But, well, did she tell you that it's a it's a two-way street? You know, 'cause consent goes both ways.
You know, like, say for instance, I'm say say, like like, a a girl wanted to kiss your penis - Mom! - You know All right, just, no means no! You know? And tie your shoe! (PANTING) Oh, my God.
Jesus, you're old enough to have sex and you still can't tie your shoe? (DOOR OPENS, SLAMS) - Did you threaten my daughter? - What? No.
Why would you say that? Ella said that you went over there and told her to stay away from your son.
That sounds pretty threatening to me.
That's not what I meant at all.
All I mentioned to her was that Tom is naive in certain respects that she is clearly not, and that she might be conscious of that going forward.
Why are you telling Ella anything at all? She is my daughter.
She doesn't need a dad.
Hang on a second.
Tom was involved in it, too.
I'm his dad.
That means I get to have an opinion, which you quite frankly dismissed yesterday.
I chose to raise my daughter on my own, and we're doing really fucking great.
We just got our co-brown belts in aikido.
So, we're all going kung fu fighting? I don't know, maybe I am better off on my own.
Oh, come on! - What are you talking about? - I don't know! I need some time.
- (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) - (SCOFFS) This is a real shitbasket, Tom.
(SIGHS) DIANE: Who gives a shit about watching the sun rise? It's the sun.
It does that literally every day.
Big whoop.
Lately, Frances seems hypnotized.
Like Sylvia's L.
Ron Hubbard or something.
I accidentally dated a Scientologist once.
Really? Very interesting.
Now, over here we have the café.
- Good afternoon, Bruce.
- BRUCE: Diane.
Now, I like to sit and watch the tennis pros eat lunch.
And wait until you meet Jeremy.
He's young and Australian.
Enough said.
- Oh.
- And they just added the cutest little smoothie bar.
Oh, how nice.
- They have juice? - Yes, finally.
They started letting them join about three years ago.
Now, over here we have a locker room.
- After you.
- Thank you.
And then over here, of course, they have the tea - with honey and lemon.
- Oh.
And, you know, I think their shampoo is a little iffy, so if I were you, I would bring my own.
- Jackie? - Dallas? What are you doing here? Well, I I could say the same for you.
I joined a couple weeks ago.
I figured I would just go full suburban.
- (CHUCKLES) - Great to see you again, Jackie.
Oh, my God, Diane, where are my manners? Hi.
- You look amazing! - Oh, you're sweet.
Well, if you'll excuse me, ladies, I'm gonna go meet Nick on the courts, so I'll see you ladies later.
I really miss you, Dallas.
I miss our visits.
Isn't there any way we can make this work? Unfortunately, no.
It's simply unprofessional for me to treat my best friend's ex-husband's new girlfriend.
But, um, you know, all those other names I gave you, they would be just excellent replacements.
It's just that with Robbie and I, I I actually have no idea where we stand right now.
We got in this big fight about the kids, but it was not really about the kids.
- You know what I mean? - I really shouldn't be And I know I always, like, shut down relationships before they get serious.
Your words, but I find that this time I I really want to be vulnerable with him, and I I keep hearing your voice in my head.
"Jackie, you will live a very solitary life - if you stay boxed up behind your own scaffolding.
" - You know, I - I really don't think that's what I - "Jackie, you have to talk through your feelings together.
Don't shut him down.
He's not a mind reader.
Those don't exist.
" God, you're so good at what you do.
Not doing anything.
Not treating you.
Well, I've taken up enough of your time and I should probably go shower.
I'm so pleased that we ran into each other.
- Yes, also inappropriate.
- (BOTH LAUGHING) (DIANE HUMMING) - Ah, hey there, Diane.
- Hi, Jeremy.
How are you doing? (GRUNTS) - (CROWD GASPS) - JEREMY: Oh, sh Well, everything seems okay.
There's no broken limbs.
- Mm-hmm.
- How about your head, though? Is that okay? Well I'm nodding, so that's good.
That means that it's still attached to my body.
- (LAUGHS) - (SIGHS) - I'm so embarrassed, Jeremy.
- Aw.
No need, sweetheart.
I'm bit of a klutz myself, too, sometimes.
But why don't we sit you up? Is that head okay? - You're not feeling dizzy? - No, I think I'm okay.
- (BOTH GROANING) - NICK: Diane, what's going on? - They just paged me.
- Oh, Nick, I had a slight stumble on the stairs over there.
- It was actually quite a tumble.
- (GROANS) She's a brave one, though, isn't she? - Aw, you're so sweet.
- (LAUGHS) How's that ankle, though? Why don't we just All right, well, then, uh Jared, is it, like the Subway guy? - Jeremy, actually.
- Jeremy.
Great.
Thanks very much, but I I think I've got this, okay? - No, I'm happy to stay and - No, no, that's okay.
If you could get somebody else here, preferably somebody with a college education, that'd be great.
Okay? Thank you.
You okay? I'm here now, sweetheart.
It's all right.
What? You're jealous.
- I am not.
- You are! I can tell, and it's so adorable.
Well, I was worried about you.
I didn't know what holy Jesus Christ, it's like a fucking head goiter back here.
- Really? - What did you do? I hate to tell you this, but, uh, you've got a large family of squirrels moving into your attic.
- Oh, shit, really? - Yeah.
And by the looks of it, they're gonna stay awhile.
See all the luggage? I keep trying to get rid of them.
Clearly, you're too hospitable.
I've been called worse.
(CUPS CLATTERING) (LAUGHING) Oh! All right.
Jump out.
Go get your retainer and we'll drop you at the sleepover.
Then Tom and I are rolling out for guys' night at the movies.
You could've been a part of it.
LILA: Mom? Oh! - Oh, Lila.
- Shit.
(GASPS) Lila.
No, no, wait, wait, wait! Li, Li! Lila, wait, wait.
Lila! Well, well, well.
What have we here? Lila, honey, do you wanna talk? - No.
- FRANCES: Oh, hi, Tom! - Robert DuFresne.
- Hi.
- Ex-husband.
- Hi.
Andrew Wallace.
- Pleasure.
- Good to see you.
Looks like your side of the street was up to something naughty.
My side thought your side had the kids tonight.
And you saw this as an opportunity for a random hookup? - For fun? - No.
No.
No, this isn't random.
This is scheduled.
- Like a get-together.
- Mm-hmm.
I mean, we're a thing.
Congratulations.
I'm gonna take Lila over to her sleepover.
It was nice meeting you.
- You, too.
- Andrew.
- Yes.
- Guess we'll be seeing you kids together more often now that you're a "thing.
" Maybe next time you'll have your fly up.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Protocol.
Just just saying.
All right.
Bye, kids.
Lila? Lila, put your seat belt on, okay? Bye, Tom.
Put Lila, put your seat belt on.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - (ENGINE STARTS) (BOTH GROAN) So, everything here looks pretty good to me.
The Clavowens have agreed to sponsor your membership and we have a lengthy self-submitted letter of recommendation from a Jackie Gianopoulos.
Oh, uh, Jackie and I aren't actually that close.
Oh, she said you used to be her therapist.
Oh, "used to.
" Hmm, that's progress.
Well, um, I can't see any reason why your application wouldn't be accepted.
Now, were you interested in the family membership at all? No.
I mean, I just I don't think that's gonna be necessary.
My son's not much for sports or, uh, socializing.
And he's about to leave for school, anyway, so.
Okay.
Now, for a spouse, then, we have a dual option.
No.
(STUTTERS) No spouse.
So, you were just interested in the in the single membership, then? Correct.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, just just me.
- Single me.
- Well, no problem.
Join the club.
(CHUCKLES) I come in peace.
- Okay.
- So you know how I'm always good at everything, right? That is debatable.
Well, it turns out that I'm not very good at letting someone into my life.
You were absolutely right.
I should've considered your feelings about Tom and Ella.
I'm so sorry.
Well, - I hope Ella doesn't think I'm the old, weird guy now.
- It's okay.
This is where you're supposed to say, "Ella doesn't think you're the weird, old guy.
" (LAUGHS) Well, you're not old.
And I love that you're weird.
(CHUCKLES) I really like you, Robbie.
I wanna make this work.
I like you, too.
(MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, um, bad news/good news.
Tom ended things with Ella.
Oh.
Is she okay? Oh, yeah.
She's back into girls now.
Good for her.
- Making a living - (LAUGHING) Oh, yes.
Look at us, out together, eating food in public.
- It's like a real date.
- Well, I figured you can't fight city hall.
So why try, right? - Or alternate theory.
- Mm-hmm.
Did you invite me to dinner so I wouldn't just be the guy who met your entire family with his fly down? Well, that's not not why I asked.
Well, whatever prompted the leap, this thing is not so bad, is it? Mm-mm.
Not so bad at all.
- (BOTH LAUGHING) - Draggin' the line I feel fine I'm talking about peace of mind I'm gonna take my time I'm getting the good sign - Draggin' the line - Draggin' the line - Draggin' the line - Draggin' the line Loving the free and feeling spirit Of hugging a tree when you get near it Digging the snow and rain And the bright sunshine - Draggin' the line - Draggin' the line - Draggin' the line - Draggin' the line I feel fine I'm talking about peace of mind I'm gonna take my time I'm getting the good sign - Draggin' the line - Draggin' the line - Draggin' the line - Draggin' the line - Draggin' the line - La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la - Draggin' the line - La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la - Draggin' the line - La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la - Draggin' the line - La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la - Draggin' the line - La, la, la, la.
You mean girlfriend.
- Does this person have a name? - Jackie? - Dallas? - I'm her therapist.
- I have to break up with her.
- She has a daughter who's approximately the same age as Tom.
- Where are you going? - Somewhere more fun than this.
Look, I can be with Andrew, but it's just not what I'm looking for right now.
Are you sure? He's so cute.
If you could paint a few more, we have a show.
- There's no way I could do more paintings.
- I'll give you a month.
Thank you for the invite.
It was very big of you.
FRANCES: If he's happy, I'm happy.
JACKIE: I probably should be thanking you.
- For what? - For divorcing him.
(BOTH PANTING) (GRUNTS) BOTH: Oh! That's all right, it's not gonna take that long to pick up 7,000 pennies.
(WHISPERS) Is that 7,000 pennies? Well, I'm rounding up, but it's a lot of pennies.
(BOTH LAUGHING) I'm sorry.
Do you think Mom would let me dye my hair purple? No.
And God bless her for that.
All right, give me five minutes.
I'm gonna rustle up some cheese and crackers for you, okay? - Okay.
- This place is Xanadu, right? (OBJECTS CLATTERING) (DOORKNOB RATTLING) Hey.
Hey, - who's in there? - Hey, Dad.
Dude, I thought you were a vagrant.
What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at Matthew's.
He's sick.
He has a stomach bug.
Oh.
Ugh, what a drag.
Let me jump in real quick, 'cause I gotta pee.
Yeah, I'm right about to hop in the shower.
- Can you give me a sec? - I have one bathroom.
I have to pee.
Let me Is that a bra? - (WHISPERS) Shit.
- Oh, hi, Robert.
Ah! Shit! What the actual fuck, man? (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Okay, uh, Ella, could you get some more clothing on, please? Tom, get your ass out of that bathroom.
Oh, shit.
Lila "Crocodile-a," honey, I need to have a grown-up conversation with Tom, all right? - Stop calling me that.
- I I promise.
- Dude, just to reiterate, man, what the fuck? - (DOOR CLOSES) Dad, it's really not that big of a deal.
It's sex, okay? We've had a lot of conversations about this.
But, I mean, the the first time on the bathroom floor of your father's apartment, that that's not a place for it to go down, so to speak.
It's not the first time.
We've done it before.
Okay, there's so many things that I want to talk about right now.
I'm gonna skip over the first four and go to number five.
- Are you wearing rubbers? - Dad! Bye, Tom.
See you at my mom's, Robert.
- 'Kay.
- Bye.
Say hi to your mom.
(DOOR CLOSES) Fuck! Of all the girls in the world, you gotta pick my girlfriend's daughter? I don't know, she likes me.
This is a real shitbasket, Tom.
A real shitbasket.
Oh, no, no, no, please don't clean up.
Please, let me do it.
Let me do it.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Oh, thank God.
- (BOTH LAUGHING) Well, I'm sorry to, uh, leave you amidst this financial crisis.
- (LAUGHS) - Oh, you know what? I'm meeting Sylvia, to hang her show tonight.
Excellent.
Well, maybe I'll just see you tomorrow.
Oh, uh I don't I don't think I can tomorrow.
That's all right.
No worries.
I got a late-night dinner with clients.
You're just making me stay late to do bad karaoke after.
(LAUGHS) What's your song? - "Bohemian Rhapsody," of course.
- Bold.
- What about you? - "Seasons in the Sun.
" Every single time.
Isn't it about a dying guy? Well, yes, but you know what? The chorus is surprisingly uplifting.
ROBERT: When we got to the apartment, they weren't actually having sex, but apparently that ship has sailed.
That's it? Oh, my God, you made me so nervous.
I thought something was actually wrong.
Mild or spicy? - Oh, spicy.
- ROBERT: Mild.
Spicy.
Uh, that's fine, thank you.
Maybe you're not clear on the whole "sex boat leaving the harbor" thing.
- I mean, your daughter and my son are having - MAN: Here you go.
(CLEARS THROAT) Thank you.
- MAN: You're welcome.
- Sexual relations.
They're teenagers.
That's what teenagers do.
And Tom is so cute.
You're not reacting at all like I thought you would react.
I mean, you were more concerned about "the mole.
" JACKIE: What do you want me to do? Mostly, I am just glad that Ella is dating nice guys and not those shits she was dating back in the city.
Tom is a good kid.
Well, thank you.
Yeah, he is.
And I've always encouraged Ella to be her true self.
It just turns out that her true self is kind of sexual.
Oh, thank you so much.
And if she's gonna have sex, I told her it shouldn't be all hand jobs and blow jobs.
It should be enjoyable for her as well.
It should help her figure out the totality of who she is.
You said "hand jobs" and "blow jobs" to your daughter? - Yeah.
- That's a very progressive perspective.
Would you rather Tom kept his private life from you? - Yes.
- Look, Ella's had sex before.
She's gonna have sex again.
And I'm just glad she can come to me if anything goes wrong.
Tom is gonna be just fine.
Okay, cool.
Cool.
(CHUCKLES) Cool.
(MUSIC PLAYING) If you got a problem Don't care what it is If you need a hand, I can assure you this I can help I got two strong arms I can help It would sure do me good To do you good Let me help.
(MUSIC CONTINUES) Mm, you don't have an extra toothbrush lying around, do you? - I hate hairy teeth.
- Ugh, I know.
It's like, uh it's like your teeth are wearing sweaters.
- (CHUCKLES) - No, sorry.
Mm, here.
Nothing here.
Well Ah, yes.
Hair of the dog.
(DOOR OPENS) Good morning, ladies.
- Good morning.
- (DOOR CLOSES) I got you an iced coffee, Frances.
Sylvia, I would've gotten one for you, but I didn't know that you were gonna be here.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Mm, interesting pizza and coffee.
Frances, guess who I saw - at my aerial Pilates class this morning.
- Um Penny Loafer Susan.
- Oh! - Ooh, floor time fun.
- Can I join you, ladies? - Oh, of course.
Wait, weren't you wearing that yesterday? (GASPS) Are you on a walk of shame? (CHUCKLES) No.
No, not at all, no.
We were here all night working.
Yeah.
Look, it's all hung.
Wow.
Really, all night? - Yeah, but - Wow.
It wasn't so bad, was it? (GROANING) Now it all looks wonderful, that's for sure.
But I can't believe you were here working all night long.
- My goodness.
- Well, we did take a little pizza break.
And had a heated debate about space aliens.
Oh, my God, don't ask.
And then we figured, "Oh, you know, we're up.
Might as well stay and watch the sun rise.
" Oh.
Wow, look at you two.
Like a cute little indie movie, the two of you.
(SMACKS LIPS) Hey, Frances, how's Andrew doing? Hmm? Not to toot my own horn, Sylvia, but I don't know if you know that I was the one who set Frances up with her boyfriend.
Toot-toot.
I thought you just got divorced.
You have a boyfriend already? No.
(CHUCKLES) No, no, no.
He's not a boyfriend.
Not a boyfriend.
He's a nice guy, but, honestly, things are more serious with my mailman.
No, we're just uh, we're casual.
You know? It's fun.
So, is it like the fun you had with Julian? Well, having fun with one person while you're still married to another person, it turns out that's not fun.
You had an affair? - That's kind of fucked up.
- Excuse me, Frances is not "kind of fucked up.
" She was involved in an intricate situation where her emotional needs were simply not being met.
- Plain and simple.
- (LAUGHS) Well I don't know if it's plain and simple, but - that's a version.
- Put it this way.
Frances's divorce was a difficult time for all of us.
And look at her, she is just thriving now.
No, fucked up is good.
- Like, it's interesting.
- Oh.
You got more layers to you than I thought, Frances.
How many layers did you think I had? Two, Three.
Well, in that case, my many newly revealed layers thank you.
- FRANCES: Here you go.
- Ah, thanks for this.
When I pulled mine out of storage, something had chewed through all the strings, which was rather unsettling.
Well, you're welcome to mine.
I haven't played since before Lila was born.
God, how did I let Diane talk me into this tennis clinic anyway? - You know I'm not a group person.
- Oh, I know.
I remember vividly your one week in book club.
Say what you want, but I was right about "The Grapes of Wrath.
" Yes, it's depressing, but it is in fact about the Great Depression.
- (CHUCKLES) - I don't think Steinbeck was really interested in lightening the mood.
Lila, come on, honey, hurry up.
Maria's mom's gonna be here any second.
- Good-bye.
- Be nice! - I'll try.
- LILA: Mom? - Mm-hmm? - Can I dye my hair purple, please? Yeah, definitely not.
Dad said I could.
- He did? - (HORN HONKS) Well, he told me to ask you.
Oh, okay, then.
No.
So, I am not allowed to dye my hair, but Tom can have sex with Ella in Dad's bathroom? Okay.
Wait, I'm I'm s what? Wait, what? W what? - FRANCES: So, thank you once again - (ROBERT EXHALES) for fitting us in on such short notice.
Today, we are not here to discuss marital issues, but we're here to talk about my girlfriend's daughter.
Wait, so you're having an affair now? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, we we got divorced.
Yup.
Miss a little, miss a lot.
He shaved his mustache.
You probably noticed that because you're a professional observer.
A few months ago, this could've easily turned into a 12-rounder, but now, you know, we just say to each other, "Hey, let's go see a third party and just wade through this puddle of vomit.
" Well, that's kind of a unnecessary vivid image, but, yes, yes, we want to wade through this separately, together.
Because we've comfortably fallen into this pattern of you take care of your side of the street, I'll take care of mine.
Right, but then there's this dangerous intersection where these head-on collisions happen.
Fender benders.
So, the issue is (SIGHS) our 16-year-old son, Tom, who has recently become sexually active with Robert's girlfriend's daughter.
In his house, under his roof, in his bathroom, on his watch.
- Sounds worse than it is.
- Not really.
Okay, look, admittedly, it's a lot to chew on, but I'm completely sensitive to the fact that it might be harder for Frances to embrace the fact that our son Tom is having sex for the first time, given her traditional, uh, sense of human sexuality.
I'm sorry? Well, when we were married, 8 out of every 10 times we had sex, I was the the, you know, initiator.
That is complete and utter bullshit.
Complete and utter bullshit.
He is basing this on one incident where you woke me up at 3:00 in the morning when I had influenza.
- Fever broken, on the mend.
- Okay, you know what? I don't know how this is helping us.
The point is Robert's judgment, or lack of judgment see, I don't know what is going on in your house when Jackie's there.
I don't know what Tom is accidentally seeing or hearing.
Yeah, it's a regular sex den over there.
- It's just wall-to-wall sex.
- Okay, okay, okay.
I'm just all I'm saying is just maybe a little discretion, that's all, when the kids are around.
In my estimation, there has been no indiscretion.
- Anyway, moving forward.
- (MOUTHS WORD) I think that we need to implement some basic, simple ground rules and agree to establish the environments of our home are the same.
I agree.
Oh, okay, good.
Okay, so Tom's door stays open when Ella is over.
And she can only come over if there is an adult in the house.
Done.
- Great.
- Great.
So, this was a complete waste of time and money.
So, you want a ride back to Hastings? I drove in.
I wanted to be the master of my own destiny and not be at the mercy of all the commuters with their their khakis and their pocket beers.
Uh, yeah, no, thanks.
I'm just gonna stay in, 'cause I gotta get stuff for the gallery.
Okay.
- Be safe.
- Bye.
Bye-bye.
Oh, hello, sir.
Um, might I interest you in a 32-volume edition of the "Encyclopedia Britannica"? Oh, you know, unfortunately, I just bought a full set.
A brunette just came by.
She was very persuasive.
Oh, Veronica! Drats! Foiled again.
- Ah, well.
Good day, sir.
- Good day.
(LAUGHS) Get in here.
- Hello.
- Hi.
(DOORBELL RINGS) - Oh, hey, Ella.
- Hi.
- How's it going? - Good.
Is your mom here? No.
I think she should be back in, like, an hour, though.
Do you wanna come in and wait? No, no, no, it's good.
I should've called first.
I'll catch up with her later.
- I'll tell her you came by.
- All right.
- Wait, Ella, um - What's up? - I'm here, so, uh - Yup.
I don't really know what is or is not going on with you and and Tom.
Just 'cause I'm, heh, you know, Commander Oblivious.
- Wait, what? - Well, I know that you and your mom have an understanding about sexuality, and I'm totally cool with that.
She explained it to me and I'm totally okay with that.
Absolutely you be you.
It's just that you're more advanced than Tom, uh, in the physical department, if that makes sense to you.
(STUTTERS) And I just would hope that you wouldn't push him along too quickly.
Sure.
All right, look, I just had another quick thought.
Maybe whenever you guys are alone together in any sort of man-made structures, keep all the doors and windows open? How's that sound? - Okay.
- Great! I'm glad we had this talk.
Cleared the deck.
Cleared the air.
(CHUCKLES) All right.
Let's soul shake on it.
- Mm.
- All right, tell your mom I'll catch up with her later.
And and just have a great day.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Hey.
Look who's here.
- Hey.
Just who I was hoping to see.
Oh.
- You going for a run? - Yeah.
Good.
Get those endorphins going.
Just really quick, I I wanted to acknowledge that that I'm aware that you you have made some recent advances sexually.
- Oh, my God, Mom! - No, no, no, no, no! Honey, I don't wanna make you feel uncomfortable.
You're not in trouble, all right? This is a natural part of growing up and becoming a young man.
All right? I have no problem - I seriously do have to go.
- with that.
All right, but we we should we should talk about consent.
Our guidance counselor already talked to us about it.
But, well, did she tell you that it's a it's a two-way street? You know, 'cause consent goes both ways.
You know, like, say for instance, I'm say say, like like, a a girl wanted to kiss your penis - Mom! - You know All right, just, no means no! You know? And tie your shoe! (PANTING) Oh, my God.
Jesus, you're old enough to have sex and you still can't tie your shoe? (DOOR OPENS, SLAMS) - Did you threaten my daughter? - What? No.
Why would you say that? Ella said that you went over there and told her to stay away from your son.
That sounds pretty threatening to me.
That's not what I meant at all.
All I mentioned to her was that Tom is naive in certain respects that she is clearly not, and that she might be conscious of that going forward.
Why are you telling Ella anything at all? She is my daughter.
She doesn't need a dad.
Hang on a second.
Tom was involved in it, too.
I'm his dad.
That means I get to have an opinion, which you quite frankly dismissed yesterday.
I chose to raise my daughter on my own, and we're doing really fucking great.
We just got our co-brown belts in aikido.
So, we're all going kung fu fighting? I don't know, maybe I am better off on my own.
Oh, come on! - What are you talking about? - I don't know! I need some time.
- (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) - (SCOFFS) This is a real shitbasket, Tom.
(SIGHS) DIANE: Who gives a shit about watching the sun rise? It's the sun.
It does that literally every day.
Big whoop.
Lately, Frances seems hypnotized.
Like Sylvia's L.
Ron Hubbard or something.
I accidentally dated a Scientologist once.
Really? Very interesting.
Now, over here we have the café.
- Good afternoon, Bruce.
- BRUCE: Diane.
Now, I like to sit and watch the tennis pros eat lunch.
And wait until you meet Jeremy.
He's young and Australian.
Enough said.
- Oh.
- And they just added the cutest little smoothie bar.
Oh, how nice.
- They have juice? - Yes, finally.
They started letting them join about three years ago.
Now, over here we have a locker room.
- After you.
- Thank you.
And then over here, of course, they have the tea - with honey and lemon.
- Oh.
And, you know, I think their shampoo is a little iffy, so if I were you, I would bring my own.
- Jackie? - Dallas? What are you doing here? Well, I I could say the same for you.
I joined a couple weeks ago.
I figured I would just go full suburban.
- (CHUCKLES) - Great to see you again, Jackie.
Oh, my God, Diane, where are my manners? Hi.
- You look amazing! - Oh, you're sweet.
Well, if you'll excuse me, ladies, I'm gonna go meet Nick on the courts, so I'll see you ladies later.
I really miss you, Dallas.
I miss our visits.
Isn't there any way we can make this work? Unfortunately, no.
It's simply unprofessional for me to treat my best friend's ex-husband's new girlfriend.
But, um, you know, all those other names I gave you, they would be just excellent replacements.
It's just that with Robbie and I, I I actually have no idea where we stand right now.
We got in this big fight about the kids, but it was not really about the kids.
- You know what I mean? - I really shouldn't be And I know I always, like, shut down relationships before they get serious.
Your words, but I find that this time I I really want to be vulnerable with him, and I I keep hearing your voice in my head.
"Jackie, you will live a very solitary life - if you stay boxed up behind your own scaffolding.
" - You know, I - I really don't think that's what I - "Jackie, you have to talk through your feelings together.
Don't shut him down.
He's not a mind reader.
Those don't exist.
" God, you're so good at what you do.
Not doing anything.
Not treating you.
Well, I've taken up enough of your time and I should probably go shower.
I'm so pleased that we ran into each other.
- Yes, also inappropriate.
- (BOTH LAUGHING) (DIANE HUMMING) - Ah, hey there, Diane.
- Hi, Jeremy.
How are you doing? (GRUNTS) - (CROWD GASPS) - JEREMY: Oh, sh Well, everything seems okay.
There's no broken limbs.
- Mm-hmm.
- How about your head, though? Is that okay? Well I'm nodding, so that's good.
That means that it's still attached to my body.
- (LAUGHS) - (SIGHS) - I'm so embarrassed, Jeremy.
- Aw.
No need, sweetheart.
I'm bit of a klutz myself, too, sometimes.
But why don't we sit you up? Is that head okay? - You're not feeling dizzy? - No, I think I'm okay.
- (BOTH GROANING) - NICK: Diane, what's going on? - They just paged me.
- Oh, Nick, I had a slight stumble on the stairs over there.
- It was actually quite a tumble.
- (GROANS) She's a brave one, though, isn't she? - Aw, you're so sweet.
- (LAUGHS) How's that ankle, though? Why don't we just All right, well, then, uh Jared, is it, like the Subway guy? - Jeremy, actually.
- Jeremy.
Great.
Thanks very much, but I I think I've got this, okay? - No, I'm happy to stay and - No, no, that's okay.
If you could get somebody else here, preferably somebody with a college education, that'd be great.
Okay? Thank you.
You okay? I'm here now, sweetheart.
It's all right.
What? You're jealous.
- I am not.
- You are! I can tell, and it's so adorable.
Well, I was worried about you.
I didn't know what holy Jesus Christ, it's like a fucking head goiter back here.
- Really? - What did you do? I hate to tell you this, but, uh, you've got a large family of squirrels moving into your attic.
- Oh, shit, really? - Yeah.
And by the looks of it, they're gonna stay awhile.
See all the luggage? I keep trying to get rid of them.
Clearly, you're too hospitable.
I've been called worse.
(CUPS CLATTERING) (LAUGHING) Oh! All right.
Jump out.
Go get your retainer and we'll drop you at the sleepover.
Then Tom and I are rolling out for guys' night at the movies.
You could've been a part of it.
LILA: Mom? Oh! - Oh, Lila.
- Shit.
(GASPS) Lila.
No, no, wait, wait, wait! Li, Li! Lila, wait, wait.
Lila! Well, well, well.
What have we here? Lila, honey, do you wanna talk? - No.
- FRANCES: Oh, hi, Tom! - Robert DuFresne.
- Hi.
- Ex-husband.
- Hi.
Andrew Wallace.
- Pleasure.
- Good to see you.
Looks like your side of the street was up to something naughty.
My side thought your side had the kids tonight.
And you saw this as an opportunity for a random hookup? - For fun? - No.
No.
No, this isn't random.
This is scheduled.
- Like a get-together.
- Mm-hmm.
I mean, we're a thing.
Congratulations.
I'm gonna take Lila over to her sleepover.
It was nice meeting you.
- You, too.
- Andrew.
- Yes.
- Guess we'll be seeing you kids together more often now that you're a "thing.
" Maybe next time you'll have your fly up.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Protocol.
Just just saying.
All right.
Bye, kids.
Lila? Lila, put your seat belt on, okay? Bye, Tom.
Put Lila, put your seat belt on.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - (ENGINE STARTS) (BOTH GROAN) So, everything here looks pretty good to me.
The Clavowens have agreed to sponsor your membership and we have a lengthy self-submitted letter of recommendation from a Jackie Gianopoulos.
Oh, uh, Jackie and I aren't actually that close.
Oh, she said you used to be her therapist.
Oh, "used to.
" Hmm, that's progress.
Well, um, I can't see any reason why your application wouldn't be accepted.
Now, were you interested in the family membership at all? No.
I mean, I just I don't think that's gonna be necessary.
My son's not much for sports or, uh, socializing.
And he's about to leave for school, anyway, so.
Okay.
Now, for a spouse, then, we have a dual option.
No.
(STUTTERS) No spouse.
So, you were just interested in the in the single membership, then? Correct.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, just just me.
- Single me.
- Well, no problem.
Join the club.
(CHUCKLES) I come in peace.
- Okay.
- So you know how I'm always good at everything, right? That is debatable.
Well, it turns out that I'm not very good at letting someone into my life.
You were absolutely right.
I should've considered your feelings about Tom and Ella.
I'm so sorry.
Well, - I hope Ella doesn't think I'm the old, weird guy now.
- It's okay.
This is where you're supposed to say, "Ella doesn't think you're the weird, old guy.
" (LAUGHS) Well, you're not old.
And I love that you're weird.
(CHUCKLES) I really like you, Robbie.
I wanna make this work.
I like you, too.
(MUSIC PLAYING) Oh, um, bad news/good news.
Tom ended things with Ella.
Oh.
Is she okay? Oh, yeah.
She's back into girls now.
Good for her.
- Making a living - (LAUGHING) Oh, yes.
Look at us, out together, eating food in public.
- It's like a real date.
- Well, I figured you can't fight city hall.
So why try, right? - Or alternate theory.
- Mm-hmm.
Did you invite me to dinner so I wouldn't just be the guy who met your entire family with his fly down? Well, that's not not why I asked.
Well, whatever prompted the leap, this thing is not so bad, is it? Mm-mm.
Not so bad at all.
- (BOTH LAUGHING) - Draggin' the line I feel fine I'm talking about peace of mind I'm gonna take my time I'm getting the good sign - Draggin' the line - Draggin' the line - Draggin' the line - Draggin' the line Loving the free and feeling spirit Of hugging a tree when you get near it Digging the snow and rain And the bright sunshine - Draggin' the line - Draggin' the line - Draggin' the line - Draggin' the line I feel fine I'm talking about peace of mind I'm gonna take my time I'm getting the good sign - Draggin' the line - Draggin' the line - Draggin' the line - Draggin' the line - Draggin' the line - La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la - Draggin' the line - La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la - Draggin' the line - La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la - Draggin' the line - La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la - Draggin' the line - La, la, la, la.