Doctor Who s09e05 Episode Script

Doctor! Doctor! Yes, you're the very next thing on the list.
Doctor, help me! Clara, I'm under attack from four-and-a-bit battle fleets, in case you think I'm slacking.
Doctor I think there's something in my space suit.
Yes, that's possible, actually.
- You were too long in the spider mines.
- OK, explain? It's possibly a Love Sprite.
Sucks your brain out through your mouth, hence the name.
- It's halfway up my leg.
- Don't worry, it's just hungry.
Doctor Describe the four most interesting stars you can see.
There's a blue one, quite big.
Two little yellowish ones just below.
- Colour of whisky, smaller one blinking? - Yes! - It's on the back of my neck, I can feel it.
- Great! I thought asphyxiation would kill you first.
Can you see a nebula? Can you see a nebula in a sort of wing-shape? Bit green at the end? Yes! Yes, I can.
Great, I've seen it too.
I wonder when it was.
Doctor! Doctor! How did we do? Oh, not a word about my spot-on materialisation skills! What about all the Velosians? Are they safe? Huh? Oh, yeah.
Well, I lured their attackers halfway across the universe and drained their weapons banks.
Not to mention, I also saved a school teacher from having her brains devoured and being asphyxiated in deep space.
So, now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go outside and wipe my boot on the grass.
What's to stop them re-arming and trying again? Nothing.
But the Velosians will be ready for them this time.
It's the best I could do, Clara.
I'm not actually the police, that's just what it says on the box.
You're always talking about what you can and can't do but you never tell me the rules.
We're time travellers.
We tread softly.
It's OK to make ripples, but not tidal waves.
You are a tidal wave.
Don't say that.
Doctor No, no, not Vikings.
I'm not in the mood for Vikings.
- You're coming with us.
- No, I'm not.
Do you want to know why? On my face, right now, more advanced technology than your species will manage over the next nine million years.
- Clara - Yeah? we're going with the Vikings.
You're back! All of you! Are all of you back? I suppose so, I haven't counted.
I'm back! I had a dream you'd all died.
It was so real, I thought I'd made it happen.
Well, if it ever does, I'm sure you'll a find some way to blame yourself.
I wish none of you had to go! Plan, Doctor? Any time soon.
- I do have a plan.
- Yeah, so you keep saying for two days on a longboat.
Only because you were looking worried.
Only because you kept saying, "I do have a plan.
" - I do have a plan.
- There you go.
You all right? Do you know her? - Never seen her before in my life.
- OK, so, why are you staring? I don't know.
Nothing, probably.
Too much time travel, it happens.
What happens? People talk about premonition as if it's something strange.
It's not.
It's just remembering in the wrong direction.
OK, plan.
We meet the boss man and we do the usual.
- Which is? - Replace him.
- Father - How? To the primitive mind, advanced technology can seem like magic.
- It's going to be the yo-yo again, isn't it? - Yeah.
It's in my pocket somewhere.
We have travelled far How did you do that?! Magic.
And much treasure.
How dare you?! I am very, very cross with you.
I am very disappointed.
I have taken human form to walk among you.
Who are you, old man? Do you not recognise the sign of Odin?! You are not Odin, and that is not Odin's sign.
Oh, and you would know that how, exactly? Have you met Odin? Do you know what Odin looks like? Oh, my people I am Odin! And now your day of reward has finally dawned.
Do not believe this foolish trickery! It's supposed to do that.
Your mightiest warriors will feast with me tonight in the halls of Valhalla! Stay still.
Stay very, very still.
That's not really Odin, is it? He doesn't even have a yo-yo.
- So this is an invasion? - Shh.
No, this is a harvest.
The strongest, the fittest The weak and young, they'll leave behind.
We have to help them.
We have to not get chosen.
Clara Clara, no! Have you still got the eye-patch thing? Clara! Point it at my chains and think the word "open".
Say it with your mind.
Clara! Clara! Welcome to Valhalla, my ladies.
No, wait! Wait! There's nothing to fear, strange maiden.
We are Odin's chosen.
The wall, it moves! Odin! Odin! Use your blades, try to jam it! Come on! Come on! Quick! Pull! I'm trying! Quickly! They took half the village.
Yeah, and it was the good half.
They went willingly to Valhalla as would we all.
I wouldn't.
Well, I wouldn't.
I'm not good with heights.
Oh, stop it! All of you, stop it, right now.
Homo sapiens, you're an intelligent species.
Stop lying to yourselves.
Choose your words carefully, False Odin.
Yes, I am a false Odin.
That's exactly right, I lied.
The big fella in the sky he lied too.
You all know it.
Because what's the one thing that gods never do? Gods never actually show up! Guess what? You got raided.
Guess what else? I lost someone who matters to me.
So did I.
Ssh! Why are we still alive? Because of this.
Explain.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to make you afraid.
I have no reason to fear you.
Except you've already analysed that and you know it's a technology from a civilisation vastly more powerful than your own, and you will have also noticed that I'm wearing a space suit.
So, I'm not from around here, and it's highly unlikely I will have come alone.
You see, you haven't killed us because killing us would start a fight you didn't come here to have and you're not sure you can win.
Ooh, hello.
Time for your medication? Adrenaline.
Testosterone extracted from the finest warriors.
Nec tar.
OK, you mash up Vikings to make warrior juice, nice.
- They what? - Why play God? What is a god but the cattle's name for farmer? What is heaven but the gilded door of the abattoir? You're not a farmer.
You're a thief, caught in the act.
I don't understand.
"Mashed up"? - What are you saying? - Hush! Go, now.
Go and find Vikings on other planets.
The universe is full of testosterone.
Trust me, it's unbearable.
We won't follow you, see? We don't need to fight.
War is our way.
Ask yourself, is this a war you really want? Yes! You'll pay for what you have done here today.
I am a Viking.
Ashildr, daughter of Einarr.
You have mocked our gods.
Killed our warriors.
And we will crush you on the field of battle.
That's better! - You were about to leave.
- You almost had me talking! - Talk is for cowards.
- No, no, no, listen to me.
I accept your challenge.
- We will crush you! - Oh, please.
Shut up.
Shall we say this time tomorrow? Ten of my warriors versus the best of your village.
You will beg for mercy! I will send you back.
You can inform your people of their impending destruction.
- Why are you doing this? - Why else? The joy of war! Can't you see it on my face? - Clara? - Child! Clara! Clara! I'm not a hugger - Ahh! - No! Where are the others? I'm sorry, Father.
- I looked them up in my 2,000-year diary.
- OK.
- They're called the Mire.
- Listen They're one of the deadliest warrior races in the entire galaxy - OK! - .
.
but they're practical.
They get what they want and then they go.
You persuaded them to go, didn't you? I knew you would! - The deadliest warrior race in the galaxy? - One of them, yes, why? Because I think this village just declared war on them.
They're coming here tomorrow, ten of them, to kill everybody in the village.
Ashildr is this true? It's my fault.
Not every misfortune that befalls this village is down to you.
She thinks she brings us bad luck.
What bad luck? You haven't had any bad luck.
You're fine.
- We are about to be attacked by - Yes, yes, yes, yes.
With a whole day to spare! So leave! Hop it, take off! Into the woods, split up, hide.
Hang about there for a week, come back home, make puddings and babies that's basically what you do, isn't it? We cannot leave this village.
Yes, you can.
Just pick a direction.
Fly like a bird, run like a nose that's probably a Viking saying, I haven't checked that.
No! We will fight! Really? Well, I don't know if you remember, but they actually took away all your fighters.
So, what are you? Farmers, fishermen web designers Maybe not that last one.
We are Vikings! OK tell me this.
How many people here have actually held a sword in battle? By a show of hands? Yeah, baby.
The Mire are coming for each and every one of you.
So what you going to do? - Raise crops at them? - If necessary.
I think he was being sarcastic.
We're not cowards.
We do not run.
And a death in battle is a death with honour.
Aye! Do babies die with honour? "I am afraid, Mother.
" "Hold me, Mother" ".
.
I am afraid.
" Um He speaks Baby.
"Turn your face towards me, Mother, for you" "You're beautiful.
" "And I will sing for you.
" "I am afraid" ".
.
but I will sing.
" Babies think that laughter is singing, did you know that? I applaud your courage, but I deplore your stupidity.
And I will mourn your deaths, which will be terrifying, painful, and without honour.
Stay.
You could help us.
I know you could.
I told you to run.
That's all the help you need.
And that's all the help you're getting.
The earth is safe, humanity is not in danger.
It's just one village.
"Just one village?" Suppose I saved it by some miracle no TARDIS, no sonic.
"Just one village" defeats the Mire.
What then? Word gets around.
Earth becomes a target of strategic value, and the Mire come back.
And God knows what else.
Ripples into tidal waves until everybody dies.
- What's it saying? - She.
She's afraid.
- Babies sense danger.
They have to.
- Tell me.
"Mother, I hear thunder.
"Mother, I hear shouting.
"You are my world, but I hear other worlds now.
" "Beyond the" ".
.
folding of your smile" ".
.
is there other kindness?" "I'm afraid.
"Will they be kind? "The sky is crying now.
" "Fire in the water.
" Fire in the water? You just decided to stay.
The baby stopped crying.
So, when I say "Move", you move.
When I say "Jump", you say "How high?" Unless it's across a gap of some kind which, of course, means you jump horizontally.
Yes, what is it, Lofty? Sorry, my name's not actually Lofty, it's Bro No, it's not, it's Lofty.
I've got too much to think about without everybody having their own name, so it's Lofty.
You're Lofty, you're Daphne, you're Noggin the Nog, ZZ Top and you're Heidi.
So, we'll try that again.
Lofty, what is it? Sorry, sir, it's just Why aren't we practising with REAL swords? Yes, perhaps you'd like to field this one, Limpy? - Because we can't be trusted with them.
- That's right, yes.
You'll be given your real swords back when you can prove that you can wave them around without lopping bits off yourselves.
Heidi, why are your eyes closed? Sorry, sir.
Just not that good with the sight of blood.
No of course you're not.
Swords against those creatures that won't work, will it? He's just warming up.
He hasn't got a plan yet.
But he will have and it will be spectacular.
Enough theory.
I'm handing out the real swords.
Well, that could have gone better.
Morning.
What happened? The Big Bang, dinosaurs, bipeds, and a mounting sense of futility.
More recently, Chuckles hit Lofty over the head, on his helmet, with his sword, which knocked him out.
There was a little blood, which you saw and did that.
Only, the first time you did it, you knocked a torch onto some hay, which spooked a horse, who kicked open a gate, and I'm sure you can fill in the rest.
Weird-sounding thunder.
That's not thunder.
It's the weapon forges of the Mire.
They're making sure we hear them.
Well? Well, Heidi faints at the mention of blood not just the sight any more, he's actually upgraded his phobia.
Chuckles he questions every single order you give him, which is going to be a little bit difficult, a little bit tricky, - in the heat of battle.
- I keep waiting to hear what your real plan is.
Teaching them to fight, that's the only plan I've got.
Turning them into fighters? - That's not like you.
- Yeah.
I used to believe that too.
- What happened? - You.
Oh, Clara Oswald what have I made of you? It doesn't matter how well you train them, - it's not going to make difference.
- They'll die fighting with honour.
To a Viking, that's all the difference in the world.
A good death? Is that the best they can hope for? A good death is the best anyone can hope for unless you happen to be immortal.
Sorry.
No problem.
Night.
- You've made an impact there.
- Stop it.
She's nice.
Fight you for her.
The human race, you're obsessed.
- You all need to get a hobby.
- I've got a hobby, thanks.
It's you, by the way.
Well, get a new one.
- Not this.
- Tomorrow it's going to be a bloodbath Don't even ask! These people all died hundreds of years before you were even born - I'm not running! - I have a duty of care.
- No, you don't.
'Cause I never asked for that.
- Every time we do something like this, I keep thinking, what if something happens to you? Stop thinking about me, and start thinking about them - because you're missing something.
- What? How you're going to win.
You always miss it right up until the last minute.
So put down your sword, stop playing soldier and look for it.
Start winning, Doctor.
It's what you're good at.
So, we meet again, Fake Odin.
Valhalla burns around you, your army is destroyed and now it is time for you to die! - How long have you been there? - What's that? Is that a puppet? Oh, I love puppets! - I make puppets sometimes, when I'm - Frightened? When the raiding parties go out, I make up stories about their battles.
Because if you make up the right story, then you think it will keep them safe and they'll all come home.
That's OK.
You're not the first person to ever have done that.
- Why are you here? - I'm looking for something I'm missing.
What do you think our chances are tomorrow? We will be cut down like corn.
By this time tomorrow, every single one of us will be dead.
Yeah.
You could go.
There's nowhere for me, except here.
This is my place.
The sky, the hills, the sea, the people Is there nowhere like that for you? Oh, I like a nice view as much as anyone.
- But? - Can't wait for the next one.
I pity you.
I will mourn for you.
I know which I'd prefer.
You think they're all idiots, don't you? What, you mean the rest of the universe? Basically, yes, I do.
But they're kind and brave, and strong, and I love them.
Good, good, - but that won't save you.
- I've always been different.
All my life, I've known that.
The girls all thought I was a boy, the boys all said I was "just a girl".
My head is always full of stories.
I know I'm strange.
Everyone knows I'm strange.
But, here, I am loved.
You tell me to run to save my life.
I tell you that leaving this place would be death itself.
I cannot keep you safe.
I do not have the strength.
But I will try to till the last beat of my heart.
If you seek to mock me in this moment No, no, no, you go ahead, you cry all you like.
Speaking of crying, is that baby getting closer? Why has Lofty stolen a baby? That's his child.
Where's he taking her? The boathouse.
He takes her to the boathouse when she won't settle.
She likes the fish.
Why would she? Fire in the water.
Fire in the water.
Fire in the Fire in the water, fire in the water Fire in the water! That's it, that's it.
That's what I've been missing.
Clara, I've found it! Clara! Clara! Lofty! I had no idea that was your baby.
Hello, baby, I had no idea this was your junior parent.
I'm trying to settle her.
- She likes all the fish.
- OK, you're shouting.
What's happened? Did you trap your finger in something again? Bedtime is cancelled.
Everybody, off the hard stuff.
We've got a long night's work ahead of us.
I need a blacksmith.
- Who's the blacksmith? - I'm the blacksmith.
You're the blacksmith and you've got a baby too? - He's been at it hammer and tongs.
- Doctor, explain.
There's going to be a war tomorrow.
And here's some news, this just in we're going to win the hell out of it.
- How? - Ashildr, this is your village, and you will never have to leave it, - I swear.
- Seriously, how? I told you that we were basically doomed.
Did no-one in this two-horn town think to mention that you had eels? - Eels? - I give you fire in the water! Electric eels! Yes, yes! I know exactly how you feel.
Well, not exactly.
She needs changing.
Plan, then? And it is a doozy! We need to pull that silvery stuff out of Clara's space suit.
We can use it to magnify the electrical charge.
Stop looking confused! Look happy! Winning is all about looking happier than the other guy.
Always walk briskly.
Makes you a moving target.
Oh, that's for Lofty.
Lofty! And talk with confidence, even if you're terrified.
Act as if you know their plan, and sometimes, if you're very lucky, they'll actually tell you it.
This is for Ashildr.
Then we deploy the anvil.
Now, at this stage, getting me one of their helmets is key.
We get a helmet, and this is over, then we can mop up the rest using Ashildr's monstrosity.
That is rubbish.
I know.
Hey, hello, hey! I'm the Doctor.
It's lovely to meet you face to convincing hologram.
You could always go "bzzz" and get rid of it, no? No, on second thoughts, don't.
That suits you.
It is time to fight.
No, no, no.
We decided against that.
We thought we'd just have a party! Let me put it another way.
You fight or you die.
We're unarmed.
There isn't a single weapon in this room which I'm sure your systems are telling you.
You wouldn't open fire on unarmed civilians, would you? It wouldn't be the first time.
Chuckles, now! Run, run, run-run-run-run! That's four down, six left.
Go! Chuckles, switch! Chuckles, off! Don't move.
Go! How's it coming? Reversing the polarity of the neutron flow.
I bet that means something, it sounds great.
Ashildr! - Are you ready? - I'm scared.
You were born for this.
Show them a story they'll never forget.
What is this beast? It's impossible! Withdraw.
Withdraw.
Stand and fight! Withdraw.
See how they run.
Withdraw.
Cowards! Withdraw.
That's enough, Ashildr.
Story's over.
Happy ending.
What trickery is this? Ha! Says the man with a fake face.
But you see, that's the trouble with viewing reality through technology it's all too easy to feed in a new reality.
You got it? Great.
A story to save a town, and a puppet from a nightmare.
You see, you've just seen the world through the eyes of a storyteller.
The mighty armies of the Mire brutal, sadistic, undefeated.
Even I believed the stories.
But after today, no-one will again.
An army like yours, it lives or dies on its reputation its story.
And today, you were sent packing by a handful of farmers and fisherman.
Not to mention the whole "wetting your pants and running away from a puppet" debacle.
See, that was really funny.
That was hilarious.
It's just lucky that nobody recorded that.
Wait a minute, we did.
See, all it needed was the Benny Hill theme.
The Benny Hill theme, yes! Now, you see, we could just keep this as a funny little film and play it every year at the Christmas party, or I could upload it to the galactic hub and get a second opinion.
So, the question you need to ask yourself is this just how important is your reputation to you? Here's a little sneak preview, piped straight into your helmets, free of charge.
Wait! Cowards! If you don't leave right now, I'll put it out there for all to see and no-one will fear you again.
This humiliation will not go unpunished.
We will meet again.
Oh, I hacked your teleporter.
Sorry.
You did it, Ashildr.
You did it.
You saved us all.
Ashildr Ashildr? Ashildr! Get the helmet off her.
Get it off, now.
Ashildr? No pulse.
I think Doctor, is she dead? I'm sorry.
I'm really terribly sorry.
Heart failure, yeah? Yeah.
I plugged her into the machine.
Used her up like a battery.
I'm so sick of losing.
You didn't lose.
You saved the town.
I don't mean the war.
I'll lose any war you like.
I'm sick of losing people.
Look at you, with your eyes, and your never-giving-up, and your anger, and your kindness.
One day the memory of that will hurt so much that I won't be able to breathe, and I'll do what I always do.
I'll get in my box and I'll run and I'll run, in case all the pain ever catches up and every place I go, it will be there.
You did your best.
She died.
There's nothing you can do.
I can do anything.
There's nothing I can't do.
Nothing.
But I'm not supposed to.
Ripples, tidal waves, rules I'm not supposed to.
What? What's wrong? My face.
Who frowned me this face? Why this one? Why did I choose this face? Doctor, what's wrong with your face? I think I know why I chose it.
It's like I'm trying to tell myself something.
I think I know what I'm trying to say.
Just someone.
Not the whole town.
Just save someone.
Come with me.
I know where I got this face, and I know what it's for.
OK, what's it for? To remind me.
To hold me to the mark.
I'm the Doctor, and I save people.
And if anyone happens to be listening, and you've got any kind of a problem with that, to hell with you! What's he doing? Saving her I think.
It's from the Mire helmet.
Battlefield medical kit.
I've reprogrammed it for human beings.
It's gone.
It's inside her.
It's repairing her.
It will never stop repairing her, if it works.
Come on, Ashildr.
Come on.
The story's not over yet.
Daughter listen to me.
This town has lost so much.
If we lose you too there'll be nothing left.
Ashildr! She'll be conscious in a day, up and about in three no swimming for a week.
Now we're going to need a longboat and some of your best rowers.
We're two days' sail from the TARDIS.
Come on, Clara! Wait, no.
She'll want to see you when she wakes.
Oh, no.
She'll see me often enough - once she understands.
- Understands what? Second dose.
- Will she need to take this? - No, no, no, it's not for her.
Then who's it for? Whoever she wants.
Doctor thank you.
Don't thank me yet, Ashildr.
Not yet.
OK, it's official.
Silence is even worse in a Scottish accent.
Are you going to tell me what you're brooding about? It won't stop, the repair kit I put inside Ashildr, not ever.
It'll just keep fixing her.
Well, good.
I'm not sure, but it's entirely possible she has lost the ability to die.
The ability? Oh, dying is an ability, believe me.
Barring accidents, she may now be functionally immortal.
If the repair kit never stops working, then why did you give her two? Immortality isn't living forever, that's not what it feels like.
Immortality is everybody else dying.
She might meet someone she can't bear to lose.
That happens I believe.
I was angry.
I was emotional.
Just possibly, I have made a terrible mistake.
Maybe even a tidal wave.
Time will tell, it always does.
Whatever you did for Ashildr I think she deserved it.
Yes.
Yes, she did.
But Ashildr isn't just human any more.
There's a little piece of alien inside her, so in a way, she's In a way she's a hybrid.
Stand and deliver.
If I didn't know better, I'd say this was a robbery.
- The most wanted in the land.
- Now is not the time to be showing off.
Could it be we are looking for the same prize? The eyes of Hades? Who's this, your sidekick? I'm no-one's sidekick.
Come on, sidekick.
Watch and learn.
There is an intruder on the premises.
- What are you doing? - It's kill or be killed.
You're playing with fire.
Do you have a cat?