Dog with a Blog (2012) s01e01 Episode Script

I know I invited you over to study, but I think we both know the test was yesterday.
Isn't the test tomorrow? Shh.
This is Tyler James.
Now that is the face of a smooth player.
Well, not that face.
Oh, yeah, there's the sugar! Whoa.
What is going on here? I have the family room from 3:00 to 6:00, as per the sign up sheet I posted, so get Avery Jennings.
Tyler's stepsister.
Uh, kind of a psycho about rules.
She even has a rule about not interrupting her, so let's keep it moving.
out of here, or I'm gonna tell everyone you're wearing a wig.
I'm not wearing a wig.
Ow! I told you, it's not a wig! I know, but that hurt, right? Would you just get out of here? This is my house.
You and your mom have only been here for, like, a year.
Eleven months, fourteen days, six hours, ten minutes, three seconds, four seconds, five seconds Ooh, numbers.
Like I told my algebra teacher, A plus B equals "Why should I care?" Do you think that will be on the test tomorrow? Okay, you two continue this high-level exchange of ideas and I'll get the room on Tuesday.
Tuesday? No way.
The cheerleaders are coming over to audition for my show.
Do you know how hard it was to convince them that I'm directing a new play called Homeschool Musical? Do that again! I heard the ocean! Was it really that hard to convince them? What are you doing next Tuesday that's so important anyway? My student tolerance club has a very important meeting.
We're planning a rally in support of the pale kid who smells like pizza dough.
Sounds like a storm! Look, my meeting is happening.
It's the first time I'll get to have friends over since my mom married your dad and ruined my life.
Your life is ruined? Since you moved in, there are sign up sheets everywhere.
There's a sign up sheet in the bathroom.
Who can time that? Every day at 8:00 and 4:30.
What is so difficult? I know you said be patient and eventually we'd come together as a real family, but those two will not stop going at it! Enough is enough.
I'm gonna go in there and set them straight.
- They need to know-- - Shh! Are you fond of that finger? Honey, we have been over this.
Intervening at this point would not be a good idea.
Siblings must develop their own tools for conflict resolution.
It's all here in The Foremost Guide To Parenting, written by a man referred to as the brightest mind in child psychology.
Daddy! Daddy! That's Chloe.
They say psychologists' kids are messed up, but she's doing okay.
There's a monster chasing me! I said "Okay," Not "Great.
" Um, Chloe, sweetie, listen There is something very important that I need you to understand.
And now she's not worried about the monsters.
As for those two, I have a plan that will be equally effective.
Kids, I have a surprise for you.
His name is Stan.
He's a rescue from the shelter.
Hey, look, it's me! I'm the dog! There's the sugar! Thank you, thank you! I've always wanted a dog! Mom would never let me get one.
I didn't say "Never.
" I said "Never-wever" Because you were three and it took the edge off.
You know I'm a cat person.
Ellen Jennings.
I think we all know whose slippers I'll be eating first.
Oh, this is such an awesome surprise! Yeah.
It's a surprise for all of us! Look, you wouldn't be so surprised if you just read chapter nine in my book.
Honey, nobody's gotten to chapter nine in your book.
Watch the genius of this.
Now, kids, this dog is for all of you.
So you guys are gonna have to work together to take care of him, or you can't keep him.
Bennett James.
A little full of himself.
Sniffed his butt, not impressed.
I guess a dog could be kind of fun.
Fetch.
Yeah, it's cute until she chases a car.
And that's the story of how the kids found out I could talk.
No, wait.
I didn't get to that part of my blog yet.
I'll do that after my new product review.
Huh, smells like rubber, tastes like rubber Whoa, it squeaks! I did not see that coming! Why are you sitting in my chair? Where's my sandwich? There was a turkey sandwich right here on this plate, and now it's gone.
You ate it, didn't you? You sandwich-eating, slipper-stealing, - dirty, rotten-- - Mom.
What? No.
What? Are you talking to the dog? Look, I don't like him, and he knows that.
And he's stealing from me.
He ate my sandwich.
And there's five dollars missing from my purse.
Is that a new collar? Where'd he get that collar? It's the same collar he's always had.
Okay, okay.
Maybe I overreacted.
You think you can get the best of me? I have thumbs.
Don't worry about her, Stan.
Who's my boy? Who's my boy? I'm your boy! I'm your boy! What am I gonna do, Stan? My meeting is tonight.
And Tyler's still having his cheerleaders over.
Oh, please be getting dog food! Please be getting dog food! Yes! I've had nothing to eat since that turkey sandwich I had yesterday-- or a few minutes ago.
I have no concept of time.
If I cancel, the Student Tolerance Club will hate me.
Don't let the name fool you.
Those kids are vicious! Well, I wish I could just ask for the food, but me talking, no, no, that doesn't always go so well.
Don't take me away! I'm not crazy! My dog can really talk! Dog, say something! Oh, tell them that joke you told me! Sorry, I had a mouthful of peanut butter! Somehow I always end up back at the shelter.
But I want this time to be different.
I-I wanna be a full member of the family.
I'll tell them everything.
Everything! When I know I can trust them.
You know, I'm really glad you're here, Stan.
I finally have somebody in the family I can actually talk to.
Aw, you're a good kid.
Now be a great kid and hit me with some kibble, huh? Okay, Avery, I worked out a compromise for tonight.
I get to have my cheerleaders over, and you get to hear what fun sound like from behind your closed bedroom door.
You're welcome.
You just ate dog food.
You're welcome.
Oh, the bacon-flavor spray.
I love the bacon-flavor spray! All right, hold it together, man.
Don't talk.
Just keep it cool, baby.
Look, I get the family room.
It's in the house rules.
And I should know, I wrote them.
And if you have a problem with that, you can take it up with the chairman of the house rules committee-- right here.
Give me the stinking food! I'm drooling a pool over here! Did he just talk? Think fast and cover quickly.
Uh, no.
I mean, woof.
He did it again! No, I didn't.
I said "Woof.
" Really? Still processing? What kind of a dog says "Processing"? What kind of a dog says anything? How can you talk? Ah, it's a freak thing.
It's like a fifth paw or a-- or a ninth nipple.
I was born this way.
Hold on a sec.
Something really important I gotta do.
Sorry.
Where was I? Oh, right.
I was blowing your minds.
I wasn't gonna tell you yet, 'cause it always messes things up.
We're gonna find out what makes you talk, and I'm gonna become rich.
Help! Help! Hey, wait a minute.
I'm still a dog.
Oh, and I'm taking your French poodle with me.
We have kind of a thing going.
Pantene, put on your little sweater and meet me at the doggie door! Don't worry, buddy.
We'd never let anyone do science experiments on you.
I love you.
And I hate science.
I can't believe it.
I've been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm finally part of a family.
No, but we just can't let mom and dad find out.
I mean, dad would write a book about it, mom would freak, and dad would write a book about mom freaking.
There'd be freaking books everywhere! This is awesome! And to celebrate, let's get snout-deep in kibble! Stan can talk.
Stan can talk! No, no, no, no, no.
No, he can't.
You're having a dream you're sleepwalking.
Go back to bed.
Okay.
Really? You're buying that? Stan can talk! Stan can talk! Stan can talk! Oh, isn't that cute? Chloe, you've got an active imagination! No, he talks like a person! He said, "Let's get snout-deep in kibble!" Chloe, it is not okay to lie.
Now go to your room.
There's a pony waiting for you.
Yay! Now she'll associate lying with disappointment.
Honey, I love you, I respect you.
I ask you this only as a supportive wife-- did you get your PhD online? Man, Chloe almost blew it for us.
Good thing no one believes a 42-year-old.
She's six.
All right, I just don't get how you people count years.
Look, the important thing is that your secret is still safe.
Oh, I couldn't bear to lose you, buddy.
Aw, that's real nice.
Oh, but don't squeeze too hard, I just drank a lot of water.
Oh, too late.
Gotta go drown some ants.
So, couldn't bear to lose him, huh? I'll tell you what, either I get the family room tonight for my cheerleaders, or I tell dad Stan can talk and Chloe's not a wacko.
Where's my pony?! You wouldn't tell dad Stan can talk.
I have 15 cheerleaders coming over.
You have no idea what I'm capable of.
You're bluffing.
You have that dumb look on your face.
Proves nothing.
I always have this dumb look on my face.
I'm not buying it.
They'll do experiments on Stan and we'll lose him.
You wouldn't do that.
Are you willing to take that chance? Go ahead, tell dad Stan can talk.
I don't care.
He's just a stupid dog.
You can't fool me.
You love Stan.
I'm not trying to fool you.
This isn't like when I convinced you Planet of the Apes was based on a true story.
And you know, if you sell out Stan, I'll get another dog.
All right, fine.
I'm not gonna tell dad.
I knew you were bluffing.
I do love Stan.
And I knew you were bluffing about Planet of the Apes.
Was I? My pony's not out here.
There is no pony.
And now there's no talking dog.
And no one in this house cares about anyone.
In cartoons, talking animals are happy! They told me I was a member of the family, and I fell for it.
But they're just like all the others, so I bolted.
Originally I was just going outside to chill, but a car drove by and I chased it! Now I have no idea where I am.
What do you mean, he ran away? He did this.
I can't believe Stan ran away.
He must have heard what we were saying.
You know, this is all your fault.
You said you were gonna tell dad.
You said he was a stupid dog.
I only said that because you were trying to manipulate me.
I've lived in this house for a year now, and you've done nothing to act like a brother to me.
And now you've driven away the one thing that I cared about most.
Okay.
No, no, no, no, don't cry.
We'll get him back.
I'll tell dad and he can drive us around and then-- no, you heard what they said.
If we can't take care of him, we can't keep him.
It's obvious what we have to do.
Find another dog that looks exactly like Stan and teach him how to talk.
No.
We have to find him ourselves.
Okay, if you wanna do it the hard way.
Where would a runaway dog wind up? The shelter! Hey, don't talk at the same time like we're in sync or something.
'Cause we're not.
Let's go.
Stop it! I wish I could help you, but sorry.
Some guy named Glen.
Don't really know him.
Moving on.
I can't release your dog until an adult pays for the $500 in damages he caused.
Wait, what damages? What'd he do? "Adopt a poodle"? Don't worry, ladies.
I'm busting you out of here.
Wait, come back! I'm adopting you! Well, can I at least leave his stuff for him? We brought his favorite ew toy and his bacon-flavored spray.
Aw, yeah No.
Just have your parents give us a call at this number, and they can pay the fine.
Excuse me.
- Oh, I guess he didn't get along with your other dogs.
- Come on.
Well, that's okay.
Wait, no, we can't! The sign clearly says "No admittance"! Something you'll hear a lot when you apply to college.
Hey, I'm just trying to help you.
I'm going in to get Stan.
Come with me if you want.
Seriously? Stan! Well, well, look who it is.
My ex-people.
I don't know what you're doing here, because it is over and I never wanna see you again! No, we didn't mean the things we said.
We love you, Stan.
Blah, blah, blah.
It's gonna take a lot more than empty words to win me over.
I brought you your favorite treat.
I love you! Let's go home! By the way, you know how to get back, right? Wait.
Home? My Student Tolerance Club? I never cancelled.
I never cancelled my cheerleaders.
Adolescents feel uncomfortable in group settings.
Trust me, I'm an expert.
It's up to us to break the ice.
It's a dance party happening! - Come on, honey! Get out here! Get out here! - I don't think so.
No.
- Who's feeling it? - I don't-- I don't know.
One, two, three, and four.
I'm texting the cheerleaders and telling them to call off the meeting.
Now, I have a plan to get Stan out of here.
Here, Stan, call this number.
We're gonna have to break some more rules.
Are you with us? Let's do it! I said break some rules, not just, like, random rules.
Oh, sorry.
I'm new at this.
Pasadena animal shelter.
This is your boss speaking! Release all the dogs immediately! There's the cage door switch.
You're not my boss.
That's not even what his voice sounds like.
Okay, how about this? No.
Does your boss be a pirate, argh? No.
Thanks, man.
We'll just take our dog and be going.
No, wait, you can't! Who's gonna stop us? A man who smells like bacon? Come on! That tickles! That tickles! We did it! We didn't do it! And then your friend read us your text saying that you were at the shelter trying to get your dog.
I am very disappointed in both of you.
Especially you, Avery.
We expect more from you.
You don't expect more from me? I'm just hoping for a haircut out of you.
I don't even know if you deserve to keep that dog, Avery.
Oh, good idea, Bennett! Now all we need is some "Dog for sale" Flyers.
Oh, look, here's a thousand that might work in a pinch.
You can't take the dog.
Avery loves that dog.
And she didn't do anything wrong.
This whole thing was my fault.
You're sticking up for me.
Hey, it's about time I started acting like a brother.
Thanks.
Whoa! A little goes a long way with the body spray.
Look, Bennett! The kids were hugging! I'm coming in! I'm getting in on this action! If we're having a family hug, shouldn't somebody go get Chloe? I'm right here! Whoa! See, I told you this dog would bring us closer together.
Not sure it was worth it.
And we all forgave each other for everything.
'Cause that's what you do when you're a family.
So if there are any other pets out there who are reading this blog, I hope that your family loves you as much as my new family loves me.
And send.
Now for my own little doggie treat.
"Hot poodles"? Bennett, we are not getting another dog! I'm gonna have to put a bell on her.
Come on, Stan.
You can do it.
"I love you.
I love you.
" He did it! I guess Chloe was right! He really can talk! Where is Chloe? I found him! Did you? I didn't.
The kid wanted a pony.
Was I not supposed to do that?