Dog with a Blog (2012) s01e02 Episode Script

Did you enjoy your walk, buddy? Love the walk, hate the leash.
How would you like getting yanked by the neck every time you tried to lick a baby? The neighbors get upset if dogs aren't on a leash.
Oh, so now I'm a dog? Just because I have four legs, fur, a tail, and Yeah, okay, I see your point.
But come on! These blue poop bags tied to my collar? Talk about demeaning! I'm sorry, but if you go, I have to clean up after you, And it's just handier this way.
Oh, really? And when am I gonna see you walking around with a roll of toilet paper around your neck? When I start pooping on the sidewalk.
Now, now, now.
Fair is fair.
Really? This makes you feel better? I'm not proud of it, but yes.
Yes, it does.
Although I'll tell you what really makes me feel better.
We're home! Wait till they hear you got learner's permit, huh? Yeah! I can finally drive! Whoo-hoo! This shaved monkey can drive a car, And I can't even chase one? Yeah, that's fair.
Tyler, sweetie, I'm so sorry.
Don't feel bad.
A lot of people don't pass their test the first time.
- I passed.
- You'll get 'em next time-- what? You did? Really? Wow! Really? Hey, Tyler, too bad.
- But, I mean, maybe if you'd studied-- - I passed.
You're gonna be driving? Congratulations.
What a great accomplishment.
Is this really a good idea? I made this to cheer you up.
I passed.
I'll save it for your report card.
I cannot believe my little boy's gonna be driving.
- You are growing up so fast! - Not the hair! Not the hair! Ahh! Ohh! Man! I still remember when you were just a little tyke, motoring around in that toy car of yours.
You are getting to be such a good driver! Whoa! Look at bennett back then.
Looks like a bearded collie I used to date.
I wonder what happened to her? I'm so proud of you! Not the hair! Not the hair! Oh, man! This is the first big milestone since our two families merged.
Much like Tyler will be merging on the freeway.
Ha ha! Good one, Ellen.
Whaddya say we all go out for pizza to celebrate that clever wordplay, and tyler being able to drive.
Yeeaahhh! I'll drive! Noooo! You need to practice first.
Come on, why do I need to practice? Because we love you, and we care about you, and we don't want anything to happen to us.
Yay, pizza! Pizza with the family! Pepperoni, here I-- I can't believe they forgot me.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Wait! They're coming back for me.
Oh, I knew they would! I can't believe we forgot you.
I know.
Crazy, right? Let's get outta here, pal.
Come on, Chloe.
Ha! And I called you pal! Once again, they treat me like a dog.
Why don't they see I'm just like they are? If you prick me, do I not bleed? If I dream of chasing rabbits, do I not run in place? It makes me so mad, I just wanna-- Ugh! I wanna--! Mm! Ha ha! That'll show them I'm more than a dog! Wait, did I just undermine my own argument? Who cares? That's fun! Hey, thanks for doing this lesson with me now.
I know after pizza, you usually like to unbuckle your belt, make that noise, and go right to sleep.
Done, done, and later.
Okay, you need to check your mirrors every two to five seconds.
Hands at ten and two.
Always be scanning your surroundings.
Keep your eyes moving.
That's five seconds! Check the mirror, check the mirror! Dad, this is just like when I was little! Always be scanning your surroundings, Keep your eyes moving.
Hands at ten and two.
Check the mirror, check the mirror.
I don't have a mirror! I said ten and two.
I believe that is nine and 1:45.
When can I drive by myself? Look, son, I-I know you're frustrated, okay? But it's called a learner's permit for a reason.
- Eyes on the road! - Dad - Can I ask you a question? - Of course.
When can I start the engine? Love the eager beaver attitude, but let's not jump three weeks ahead in my lesson plan.
Check the mirror! Check the mirror! -I'm checking the mirror.
- Put your hands back on the wheel.
- We're not even driving! - Oh, we've crashed! There's the airbag! There's the side one! Hope you're happy! Thanks so much for doing this lesson with me.
Dad wouldn't even let me start the car.
Ohh! Ohhh! Mom, that's really distracting while I'm driving.
Okay.
Sorry.
Didn't mean for my will to live to distract you.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohhhh! Why are you pumping an imaginary brake pedal? It doesn't do anything.
You think I don't know that?! Oh, here's another milestone-- My first terror sweat.
Yay! This is just like the first memory I ever had-- Some nut job almost ran over me.
What do you think, Avery? Wanna go around the park one more time? Check out Ellen's red hair.
Reminds me of an irish setter I used to date.
Wonder what happened to her? Ten and two! Ten and two! Tyler drives just like that little maniac.
And there is no way he knows the rules of the road.
When two vehicles meet on a steep mountain road where neither can pass, who has the right-of-way, the uphill or the downhill vehicle? Do you know? Do you even know? - Who cares? - Everyone in the two cars That just plummeted off the side of the mountain if you were driving one of them.
Now, kids, it's important for the driver to remain calm and focused, So let's not do anything to-- Ten and two! Ten and two! Aah! Aah! Aah! You are all driving me crazy with your nervousness and over-coaching and talking about things that don't exist, like roads on mountains.
I wish I could just drive by myself.
So do I.
Why do I even have to be here? Chloe's not here.
CHLOE! We forgot Chloe, again! - Drive home, quick.
- But slowly.
Here's a picture of Tyler when he was three.
Ohh! Here's one of Avery when she was two.
Ohh! This tea is so delicious.
Mmm! It's funny isn't it, hon? Things like Tyler learning how to drive.
It really makes you miss when they were little.
Oh, yeah.
You just wish you could have more of it.
- Daddy? - Not now, sweetie.
We're looking at pictures.
Oh, wow.
Here is one of Tyler and that little toy car he used to drive around the neighborhood park.
Oh, Avery and I used to go to that park when she was little.
Ohh! This one day, we ran into the most obnoxious man.
Ten and two! Ten and two! Watch where you're going! Easy, lady.
We got as much right to be here as you do.
Not if you're gonna drive your kid around like a maniac.
How can they not remember they met before? See, this is why dogs sniff butts.
I pity the poor slob that's married to her.
Well, if I never see him again, it'll be too soon.
That park attracted all kinds of weirdoes in those days.
Ugh! There was this one annoying woman.
- You would have hated her! - Oh, yeah! Ah, but Tyler was so much fun.
Yeah, I really wish I would have savored those days with Avery when she was little.
Well, those days are gone, and no matter how much you miss 'em, you just can't get 'em back.
- I have a question.
- Chloe, what did we say about interrupting? Hey, Chloe's that age! We could savor her! Chloe! Chloe! Chloe! Sweetheart, come on.
Okay.
Honey, we love you.
And we wanna here everything you have to say.
Now, what was your question? Make it cute! No pressure.
Go! What happens when you flush a tennis ball down the toilet? Never mind! No dogs on the couch, huh? Yeah, I don't think so.
I'm on the couch! Hey, look at me! I'm walkin' on the couch! I'm shedding on the couch! Whoa-ho-ho yeah! Oh, no! Where's the rest of the family? Uh, they went out for ice cream.
So they're not coming back for a while? Nope.
I'm walking on the couch! So why didn't you go with them? Well, they wouldn't let me drive, so what's the point? What's the big deal about driving? Stan, it's a huge deal.
When you can drive, you're free.
You have dignity.
It's like you've been accepted into the world.
You know, you're being treated like a real person.
Like a real person, huh? Oh, yeah, it's the best! If he were smarter, he would have seen where this was going.
Ah! I do feel like a real person! This is awesome! Just me and the open road, baby! I get it now.
This is freedom.
This is gonna make it so much easier to chase the mailman! Ho ho ho! Yeah! That's the ticket! Why doesn't everybody do this when they drive? Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Where's the blue poop bag when you need one? Did you ask your parents? Okay, fine, I'll ask.
Hey, dad, can you take lindsey and me friday night to see necropolis high ii: eternal promnation? I'm sorry, we've got a benefit auction to save the planet.
He has some stupid thing that night.
I'll ask.
How 'bout saturday afternoon? Nope.
Chloe's dance recital's saturday.
We have to watch my sister bump into her friends On stage for 10 minutes, and then give her flowers.
Hey, she may bump, but she never goes down.
And that's why we give her flowers.
Well, I guess we're not gonna be able to go see the movie this week.
But Tyler just got his learner's permit, and soon he'll be able to drive us.
No, no, no, he passed.
No, he did.
Yeah, I know.
At this rate, they'll be letting fish drive.
All right, bye.
Oh, hey, my stepbrother from another mother.
I was just bragging about you on the phone.
I'm not driving you anywhere.
'cause you'll be driving me to the zoo, And then home, and then back to the zoo, 'cause I always lay my sweatshirt by the rhinos.
I'm not driving either of you.
Tyler, as soon as it's legal, you're gonna be driving everybody everywhere.
My chauffeur days are over.
- That's not fair! - The fair's in pomona And you're gonna be driving the girls there as well.
Okay, people! We've got a major situation.
Someone crashed the car.
Why is everyone looking at me? Mom said someone crashed the car.
You obviously did it, so we're lookin' at you.
Pretty basic stuff.
I think I'm in the clear.
They blame a lot of things on the dog, But crashing cars is usually not one of them.
Aw! This is gonna cost a fortune! There is a tree through the windshield! On the plus side, it'll be easier to find in the parking lot.
Did you think we wouldn't find out? I just found out.
I didn't crash the car! I didn't do it.
Mom didn't do it.
Doesn't leave a lot of options.
Yeah, you said you wanted to drive alone without us bugging you.
Obviously, that's what you did.
That's it.
You're not driving anymore.
I can't believe this.
Were your hands even at ten and two? I wasn't even driving! Oh! Now I feel bad for Tyler.
Why'd he have to go and crash the car? Oh.
Right.
Why do you assume it was me? Maybe Avery did it.
Oh, yeah, right.
I broke a rule and crashed a car.
I also kicked a bunny and beat a clown with its own giant shoe.
Well, what about Chloe? She's always doing stuff she's not supposed to.
I never even thought of driving the car-- Till now! Noooo! Tyler! Come on! Accusing your sisters like that? I mean, why don't you just say the dog did it? Go back to the little girl.
I-I don't think she's been questioned thoroughly.
That's it.
Since you won't even accept responsibility, You're not driving And you're grounded for a month! You never believe me! Yes, I flooded the basement, And, yeah, I broke the kitchen window, And, yeah, I blew up the microwave, But I didn't crash the car! - You flooded the basement?! - You blew up the microwave?! Oh, so now you believe me! Oh, this is all my fault.
If only I never drove the car Or never stuck my head out the window-- No, that was cool.
I-I would do that again.
And the cool thing about an art wall is I can paint whatever I want.
I have an art wall in my room, too.
Mom and dad gave me permission to do this.
Oh.
Can you help me move my dresser? - You guys are traitors.
- What did I do? Neither of you believed I didn't crash the car.
I'm must a kid.
I believe what everyone else believes.
And everyone else believes that you did it.
Tyler, it's the only thing that makes sense.
It doesn't make sense.
You should've had my back.
Ah, they're fighting because of me! This is horrible! If this goes on much longer, I'm gonna have to confess.
Ah, but I'm sure it'll blow over.
I'm sure they'll make up.
Looks like it's winding down! Those are screams of love, right? Don't touch my hair! Do not touch--! He can whistle, too? I can't take it anymore.
I did it.
I wanted to be like a person, and I crashed the car, okay? - You did what? - Stan! I'm sorry, but it's not my fault.
If it's not safe to drive with your head out the window, then they shouldn't let dogs drive.
They don't! Then why do I have a license? A dog license! Whatever! Tyler, I just assumed it was you.
I'm really sorry.
I'm not.
Still just a kid.
Stan, you can't drive.
You're a dog.
Oh, right.
I'm just a dog.
I can't go for a walk without a leash.
I-I can't drive a car.
I can't reprogram the dvr.
Wait-- you're the one who recorded ten showings of meet the parents? Oh ho! I'm a sucker for anything with "Meat" In the title.
Stupid homonyms.
We have bigger problems than the dvr.
What are we gonna do? It's not fair for me to get punished for this.
Well, we can't say Stan did it.
We have to keep the secret that Stan is special, or he'll get taken away and experimented on.
Then I guess I can't drive, and I'm grounded for a month.
No, Tyler, that's not gonna happen either.
Look, someone else needs to confess, someone mom and dad won't be as hard on.
And I'm perfectly prepared to step forward - and say that chloe did it.
- What?! Why me? They'll go the easiest on you.
You said it yourself-- you're just a kid.
I never said that.
Chloe, you just have to make that cute little pouty face, bat those little eyelashes.
You'll get away with anything.
Please don't let Avery say I did it.
Well, don't worry, I won't.
See? Hey, wait, have any of you ever seen the movie spartacus? Of course not.
Well, there's this rebel slave named spartacus, and the romans want to find him.
But all of his friends stand up and say, "I am spartacus!" "No, I am spartacus!" "No, I am spartacus!" "No, I am--" And so on.
So they can't figure out who the real spartacus was.
So what happened then? They killed all of them.
Okay, let's give it a try.
Hey, did you call the insurance company? Yeah, they're sending someone out to take pictures.
Oh, should I change? Of the car.
Of course.
I knew that.
So, I realized I never showed you that photo of me and Avery at the park.
Oh, yeah, I never showed you the one of me and Tyler.
This is the moment.
They're holding the pictures.
Nothing could possibly stop them from figuring out they've met before.
I did it.
Did what? I crashed the car.
Look, I was jealous that Tyler was driving, and I was just gonna go down the driveway, but I lost control.
Hey, don't listen to her, okay? I did it.
I'm sorry I denied it before, but I'm ready to accept full responsibility.
I am asparagus.
I was playing in the car, and it started, and I crashed.
Don't be mad.
Okay, what is going on here? They're doing spartacus! I'm pretty sure it's asparagus.
They think if they all confess, we won't be able to tell who did it.
That is so sweet that they are sticking up for each other like that.
They are such good kids! I know! Seriously, though, which one of you little monsters wrecked the car? That sounds like my car! Go, go! Stan! Here goes nothin'! That must have been what happened the first time-- Stan got in the car.
None of you did it, did you? No, we didn't.
Stan's just a dog.
He doesn't know any better.
We can't even be mad at him, hon.
Oh, I'll figure out a way to be mad.
He chewed up my throw pillows.
He's crashed my car twice.
And he gives me dirty looks when I do my butt flexes.
And clench and release, and clench and release.
You see? You see? So, uh, which one of you left the car door open? - It wasn't me.
- It certainly wasn't me.
- Oh, you've been known to leave the door open.
- No, when have I ever? Good boy, Stan.
You really came through for us.
And Avery, thanks for having my back with the whole spartacus thing.
Sometimes we need to stick together-- Like when someone needs a ride somewhere! Okay, I'll drive you anywhere you want to go.
Except a mountain road.
And Stan, oh, you were brilliant.
Can I say you painted my bedroom walls? Please? Sure.
I'd take a hit for any of them.
The kids really stood by me.
They were loyal, they were selfless, they were protective.
Oh, my gosh-- I was trying to be like a person, and they were being like dogs.
Maybe we're not that far apart.
So next time I drive, Maybe they'll stick their heads out the window.
There's something for you to chew on.
Hey! Something to chew on! The last piece that connects their past is hanging off my lip.
Oh, well.
Okay, uh Now, what are the odds they'll think Tyler did this? This is so great that we're doing this.
We are building memories right now.
I can't wait until it's later and we can look back on this! Have more fun! Smile more! Say something adorable! We need something to savor here.
How do you stop this thing? Oh, how precious! Hey! The dog did it.
Watch where you're going, kid.
Hey! Don't yell at her.
You're ruining our moment.
Then maybe I ought to yell at you.
Keep an eye on your kid! I pity the poor slob who's married to her.
Yeah, if I never see her again, it'll be too soon.
Nah.
Seriously, and you have us as pets.