Dog with a Blog (2012) s02e01 Episode Script

I know what's bothering you.
Someone is eating bacon in front of you, and not offering you any.
No, Stan, that's not it.
Then are you, perhaps, bothered by your inability to take a hint? Tomorrow's the first day of school.
Summer's over.
No more learning how to play guitar or, planting trees, or volunteering at the community center.
You didn't do any of those things.
And now I never will.
Here, Stan.
School's made me not hungry.
Yeah! Thanks, school! No bacon left behind.
You do realize that it's turkey bacon? So, I've eaten a mouse, thrown it up, and eaten it again.
I'm not what you would call fancy.
Hey, Tyler.
You ready to do it? Do what? Last year, we agreed you could only keep your hair this ridiculously long if you got all A's and B's.
Well, you got a couple of C's, buddy.
And C is for cut.
Time to cut your hair.
I also got a D oh, why did I say that? We had a deal, Tyler.
What kind of parents would we be if we didn't follow through? Your son is getting C's and D's, could you do any worse? Come on, Tyler.
I've been cutting your hair since you were little and you've always liked it.
What do you think, hun? Maybe take this off here.
- Yeah, and feather this here.
- Oh, I could taper it here.
I think my hand's stuck under here.
Oh, I'm going to cut that all off.
Okay, you made your point.
I'm definitely going to study harder this year.
No need to keep pretending you're really going to do this.
You're really going to do this? Tyler, I haven't even done anything yet.
That looks like fun.
Let me try.
I thought that might happen.
Chloe, we're not doing this for our entertainment.
Did I miss it? Should I make popcorn? Did you make popcorn? Why has no one made popcorn? Avery, as I just got done telling your sister, we're not doing this for your entertainment.
Sit here next to me it's the best view.
Have some popcorn.
Okay, Tyler, here we go.
I'll never forget you.
Oh, so much body, so much wave.
Oh, and I'll miss you most of all, frizzy cowlick.
Well, at least this time I wasn't the one being groomed.
And, man, I've had some pretty crazy haircuts over the years.
Cornrows.
Pompadour.
Princess Leia.
So, what does everybody think? Well, you can see his face which is A fact.
Look at me.
I'm making Hair Angels.
I think it looks great, Tyler.
You're just going to have to get used to it.
Hand me the mirror.
No! No! No! Oh, Tolstoy.
Hee hee hee! Well, you seem happy, Avery.
- What gave me away? - Well, mainly this.
Hee hee hee! I'm so excited, Stan, because today's the first day of school.
I just love school.
All the reading and studying; The rush you get when you correct a teacher.
It's like grifting a grifter.
And why did I pick a Rock Star Rabbit lunchbox? Everyone's going to call me Rock Star Rabbit.
Chloe, no one's going to call you that because of your lunchbox.
Oh, Mommy.
Last year I picked a little red lunchbox and everyone called me little red all year.
I'm not sure that's why.
What else could it be? You're not going to be able to hide it forever.
Well I have to try, don't I? Thanks to you, now I have to follow through on something.
All right.
First day of school.
Don't wanna be late.
Tyler, make sure Chloe gets safely to her class.
Avery, make sure Tyler gets safely to his class.
Lindsay! Wait, we're in eighth grade now.
We should probably be a little more cool.
Oh, you're right.
Redo.
- S'up.
- Hey, guys.
Max! I'm so glad our little group is back.
Wow, that's so nice.
Usually you're so negative.
I'm just relieved you're here.
I was certain that over the summer one of us would get sucked into a pit of quicksand.
There's our Max.
We're not getting sucked in quicksand.
That's what people always say, until the day it happens.
And remember, struggling only makes it worse.
Well, the important thing is, we're all back and nothing has changed.
Okay, Annie has changed.
She lost her braces and got her Yeah.
Wow, Natalie's, like, a foot taller.
And so is Kim.
And Brian.
And Amanda.
And Paige and Ben and Rachel and Xing Xao Rubenstein.
I'm the only one who didn't grow.
I feel like I shrunk.
Well, only in comparison to all the other kids who look their age.
Oh, sorry, I guess that's not helping.
I feel like everyone's looking at me wondering "Look at Avery! Why didn't she grow?" I don't know why! Avery, no one was looking at you until you shouted like a total loon.
People look at total loons.
Which reminds me, I saw your Mom at the supermarket.
Avery, kids grow at different rates.
It's not a big deal.
Yeah, I'm about your height.
Last year, you were up to my windsor knot.
You're growing.
I know.
I feel huge.
Growing's not all it's cracked up to be.
I went up a hat size over the summer.
Lost a lot of good fedoras.
So, count your blessings! Oh, I miss the kids.
I can't believe they're going to be gone all day.
I wish there were some way I could miss them less.
Hey! I've got it.
Hi, little Avery.
Hi, little Tyler.
Hi, little Chloe.
You'll keep me company, won't you? Why did I make them out of cheese? No, cut it out, okay? Leave me alone, Danny! Come on! Let's see it.
How bad can it be? I bet it's hilarious.
No! It's too short.
It's hideous.
I'm a monster.
You know what? I respect that.
If you don't want to show me, I'm not gonna pressure you to Ha! You are so predictable.
You're right, I don't know what I was Ha! Dude, I always know what you're going to do before you do it.
- Yeah, I guess so.
Ha! - Okay, I only wore three hoods.
I had no idea you were gonna do that.
I'll catch you guys later.
Stan, it's the middle of school.
What are you doing here? Good point, shouldn't be here.
So, as long as I'm here, what do you want to do? You wanna hang? Maybe talk trash about Ginny and Joe? What does she see in him? There's no couple at the school named Ginny and Joe.
So, what you're saying is Ginny is available? What are you doing? Are you just here because you miss us? What? Not "just.
" I also was hoping to be a live model for the art class.
Go home, we'll be back after school.
Fine, but they'll be missing out on my "who, me?" Pose "Who, me?" Whoa, who's the new kid? Wes Manning.
Looked him up on the Internet.
He's a 64-year-old retired machinist from Tenafly, New Jersey.
Thank you, Internet.
He's really cute.
Wait here, I'm gonna do a walk-by.
You'll probably think I'm weird, but I'm kind of excited.
I really like school.
Likes school! I like girls who are smart and funny.
Likes smart, funny girls.
So, because we were reading animal farm, he took us on a field trip to a petting zoo.
That's what happens when you let a football Coach teach an English class.
Guys, he likes reading and making fun of football coaches.
He's perfect! - Well, you should go talk to him.
- No.
I can't.
I mean, he probably only likes the tall girls who grew over the summer.
Oh, that's crazy.
You're smart and funny and really cute.
Just talk to him.
What's the worst that could happen? You walk over there, you trip, you throw up on yourself.
It's called the trip-puke.
Okay.
I'm gonna do it.
I mean, what Lindsay said, not the trip-puke.
Nobody plans the trip-puke.
It just happens.
Just look at the sixth graders.
Remember when we were that little? I'm not I don't I'm just I'm just I'm just Too short.
Too short! Too short! Too short! I know it is! Stop mocking me! You're home, you're home! Oh, I don't know if you've been gone months or years, but I wasn't sure if you were ever coming back! Stan, I just left this morning for the first day of school.
And you didn't send one postcard.
Oh, you're home! You're home! Oh, I know it's only been a day, but I've missed you so much! Ugh, it felt like a year.
That's what I was saying! You know you're supposed to go up and down.
I'm trying to get taller, not stronger.
You'll just make your arms longer.
They'll drag on the ground and you'll look like a chimp.
Now stop being so self-involved and help me figure out what to do about my hair! Will you stop obsessing over your stupid hair?! - My hair is too short! - My whole body is too short! Exactly, so you're practically invisible.
Your problem doesn't matter.
I'm up here, where people can see.
- What's wrong with Avery? - She's upset about her body.
Okay, Ellen, you've been preparing for this moment.
You're not gonna mess it up like your Mom did.
I had to have my little talk with myself.
Which I'm doing right now.
Good talk, Ellen.
Sweetie I understand you are having issues with your body.
So, let's have a little gal chat.
You tell me what your concerns or questions are.
I'll offer you the wisdom I've collected from my experiences as a lifelong woman.
Now, just point to a part of your body and we'll talk about it.
That talk went so much better when I gave it to myself.
Chloe, how was the first day of second grade? I learned that "elephant" has a P in it.
I don't know why no one here told me that.
- How'd the lunchbox go over? - The lunchbox didn't matter.
In second grade, what matters is what's inside.
I told Chloe that's actually kind of nice.
Like with a person.
What matters isn't what's on the Didn't make me feel better in the car.
Not making me feel better now.
I thought I made you a very nice lunch.
Well, apparently, hon, lunchtime is all about trading.
Your lunch had no trade value.
- This was all I could get for it.
- A banana? No.
Just the peel.
But they didn't take your lunch.
It was a pity peel.
I didn't realize it was such a big deal.
I'll try and make you a really great lunch for tomorrow.
Thanks, Mommy! I knew you'd come through.
I believe in you! Aw, that's so sweet, honey.
It means so much to me.
You're right, Daddy, she responds to encouragement.
Well, not everything I taught you in the car was useless.
All right, I've been thinking about my problem, and I'm going to take action Mom, you're driving me to the Mall.
Oh, that's great sweetheart on the way there If you try to gal talk me on the drive I will stunt roll out of the moving car onto the freeway.
Well, not out of the moving car.
I'm not a stunt woman.
The point is, I'm out of there as soon as it's completely safe.
Avery said she went to the Mall and fixed her problem.
I wonder what she did.
I think that.
So, these platforms add six inches The hair's another eight, and the vertical stripes add the illusion of two more.
What do you think? How are we playing this? What she needs to hear or what she wants to hear? - Avery, you look great! - Wants to hear got it.
You look tall.
Well, I better go talk to Wes before I lose my confidence.
What's the point of looking like a giant pencil if you can't write your own destiny? - Hi, I'm Avery.
- Sorry, not now.
Stan, come here! I thought I told you, you can't come to see us at school.
I was just so worried about how Ginny and Joe were taking the break-up.
- Ginny and Joe are made up.
- They made up? That's great.
Those two crazy kids deserve a chance.
Stan, you've gotta accept that we're going to school every day now.
You can't be hanging around here so much.
What makes you think I'm hanging around so much? They're nudes, but they're tasteful.
Avery? Is that lump under the covers you? What do you think, Stan? Well, the lump is about your size and shape.
And has your voice, and smells like you.
So, it's either you or a duck.
I don't ever want to go back to school again.
But Avery loves school.
What did you do with Avery, duck? I'm the smallest kid in my grade, Stan.
I just don't fit in.
Avery, your size has nothing to do with your worth.
Am I worth more than one of those little dogs that women carry in their purses? Yes, I am.
That's a bad example.
I am the purse dog, Stan.
This boy Wes won't even talk to me.
Because of your height? He called me a "little sixth grader" and then today he totally blew me off.
Why would he do that if it wasn't because I'm short? That's terrible.
But now you have a choice.
There are two kinds of purse dogs; Shivering or vicious.
Which one are you, Avery? Well, I am a little high-strung.
I have a tendency to get cold.
- I eat small, but frequent, meals.
- Say "vicious.
" - Vicious! - Yeah, you are.
Yeah, I am.
And I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind.
Tomorrow at school, I'm going to tell him what a jerk he is.
He's the one who should feel bad about this, not me.
Thatagirl! Or purse dog.
Or duck.
Or whatever you are.
Hey, Avery.
Your Mother tells me you've been having some issues with your body.
Now I know her approach may have been a little off-putting.
But lucky for you, I have Harriet the hippo.
Now, Harriet's has her insecurities about her changing body, too.
I wonder what they Harriet, you scare people.
- Mommy, I believed in you.
- And that means a lot to me.
Believed.
Don't tell me today's lunch was no good, either.
I made you a very nice sandwich with leftover chicken.
How can I trade this? Look what happens when you pick it up.
All the kids called it the "fall apart disaster stink sandwich.
" - That's not even clever.
- What do you want? We're in second grade.
I don't understand why this is a problem now.
This wasn't a problem in first grade.
In first grade, we'd eat anything.
Paste, mud Tony ate his shoelaces.
We had to have an assembly about it.
But now we're in second grade Except for Tony.
We want something good.
I need something I can trade.
What did Avery do in second grade? She made her own lunch.
Yeah, I am not gonna do that.
Fine, so what do you want in your lunch tomorrow? - Ten dollars.
- Yeah, I am not gonna do that.
Oh, hey, Avery.
I've been thinking about your problem, and have you considered wearing a hat? - It can make you look taller.
- No, Lindsay, hats are your thing.
Oh, thank goodness.
I didn't want to have to be the one to say that.
And I realized, it's not my problem.
It's Wes's.
And if he doesn't like me because I'm short, then he's a jerk A dreamy, hazel-eyed jerk.
And I'm going to tell him that.
And while you're at it, mention his chiseled jaw and perfect hair.
That'll get him.
Are you sure this isn't just all in your head? Maybe he doesn't care that you're short.
Then why else would he have blown me off like that yesterday? Ugh.
This gross pimple will not go away.
I don't want any girls looking at me until it's gone.
Uh, sorry, not now.
Stupid pimple.
Hey, Wess.
I know why you won't look at me, and it's disgusting! You are a repulsive person and you make me sick.
It's just a pimple.
It'll go away! Wait! Pimple? What pimple? I didn't know about your pimple! Sorry! I keep saying pimple.
Ah! What's up with him? Pimple.
I really blew it with him.
I thought everyone was looking at me differently because of my size but, maybe it really was all in my head.
Just like probably no one even noticed Wes's pimple.
- Hey, maybe it's the same with your hair.
- What about my hair? I mean, maybe no one else will think it's as bad as you do.
Oh, no.
It's bad.
But everyone's going to see it at some point, so I might as well use that to do some good.
Hey, pimple boy.
Hey, man.
Don't feel bad about what my sister said.
We all have our hideous flaws.
At least yours doesn't look like this Your whole family is so mean! Well, I think we all learned something here.
The amazingness of my hair was never in its length.
Yes.
That's what we learned.
Avery figured out that just because she was self-conscious about something didn't mean that everyone else was looking at it the same way.
And I figured something out, too, thanks to a little help from Tyler.
Here, Stan.
Whenever you miss us, you just play with these.
Thanks, Tyler.
Oh, and the good news is they're not made of cheese, so you won't eat them.
Never assume a dog won't eat something.
I can't believe I ate a spring.
When I poop that out, I hope it doesn't bounce back in.
Guess what they called my lunch today? A Reuben sandwich.
Named after a really smelly kid named Reuben, who wears his underwear on the outside of his pants.
Chloe, I really upped my game and made you an amazing lunch.
If you can eat this, I'll stop complaining.
Bennett, come here.
Let's show Chloe what a great sandwich this is.
Me? You eat half, I'll eat half.
Support me on this.
Well, I want to support you, but I have an abnormally strong gag reflex.
- You're being dramatic - I don't want to throw up - Eat it! - Okay! Okay.
I can do this.
Come on, it is not so Oh! Keep going.
It gets worse.
That's cartilage.
There.
- Good.
- Mm mm.
Good.
Now the potato salad.
Tomorrow I'll put ten dollars in your lunch.
That's all I'm asking.
Oh, not the spring! I was afraid of that.