Dog with a Blog (2012) s02e02 Episode Script

Well, I gotta get going.
I've Mr.
Carver's biology class first period.
The bones in the arm are; Metacarpal, radius, humerus, phalanges, ulna, and carpal.
The way I remember it is; "Mike rips his pants under cheese".
Wouldn't it be funnier if it was; "Mike rips cheese under his pants"? "Mike rips cheese under his pants".
He's right, that is funnier.
Hey, where is everyone? Hey, Mr.
Carver.
Mr.
Carver, wake up.
Oh, thank you for waking me.
Usually I'm awakened when Miss Rose walks by trailing that pungent odor of sweat and Prosciutto.
Oh, I had Parmesan.
Either way, the aroma brings back memories of my childhood.
I grew up near a dump in Naples.
Mr.
Carver, where is everybody? It's just you, me, and Principal Richard R.
Richards, and he never leaves.
Lucky duck.
Well, today is the day your classmates so quaintly refer to as ditch day.
Really? Everyone ditched school today? I wonder why no one told me.
Avery, I don't care.
The important thing is, as soon as you go home, I can go home.
And get some sleep.
I can't sleep at night.
My wife kick-snores.
There's the bell.
I'm not going to miss class.
Well I'm not going to get up from this chair.
Oh, curse these wheels and my recent weight loss! Max.
Lindsay.
Does someone want to explain why no one told me ditch day was today? Isn't the purpose of ditch day not to have to answer questions? Dab organized it, and she thought you wouldn't be interested.
Dab, short for Dabney.
Because abbrevs are in.
Obvi.
Dab, why did you think I wouldn't be interested in ditch day? Look, Aves, everyone knows this isn't your kind of thing.
You're way too straight.
Aren't you the one who started the petition to ban pajama day? I didn't start the petition.
I just talked about doing it.
I was tossed in a garbage can long before I got the chance.
While I was in there, I found my other petitions.
Avery, it's okay.
School and responsibility is your thing.
Everyone has their thing.
You're like a tiny parent.
I'm the girl who sets the trends.
See ya.
See ya.
She said I was too straight and called me a tiny parent.
Is that how everybody sees me? You did try to give me a time-out last week.
You know what you did.
Look, we would have told you about ditch day, but we knew you'd never do it.
I felt so stupid being the only kid on campus.
Although I did take the opportunity to sit at the cool kids' table at lunch.
Felt pretty cool.
Sittin' there all alone.
That does sound really cool, Avery.
What? I'm trying here.
You're saying nothing.
I just can't believe nobody told me.
Where are you going, Avery? I'm gonna ditch ditch-day.
Stan, what are you doing here? And why didn't you tell me about ditch day? As the school mascot, I had to be here.
And as for why I didn't tell you, I can't believe you're gonna focus on the one thing I didn't say.
What about all the things I do say? I'm a talking dog.
Well, do you think I'm too straight like everybody else? I'd love to answer that question, but they're taking the ditch day picture.
See ya.
I've got to do something to change my image.
But first, I gotta get back to school.
My free period's almost over.
Say cheese! Come on, Mrs.
Johnson, time to teach me geometry.
I feel bad for Avery.
She wants to change her image, but once you get a reputation for something, it can be hard to shake.
Look at me.
I've always had a bit of a bad boy rep.
- Bad boy! Bad boy! Bad boy! - That's right, baby.
Don't you forget it.
Bennett! Because I had to park in the driveway, I was attacked by a pack of wild geese.
Ellen, is this another lame attempt to get me to clean my stuff out of the garage so you can park there? Bennett, because I had to park in the driveway, I was rained on! The neighbors called to complain that you jumped in their pool.
Bennett, because I had to park in the driveway, I was sunned on! You painted your face red.
Oh! Bennett, because I had to park in the driveway, I was winded on! Well, I'm glad those mime classes paid off.
So, you're actually going with geese attack.
Yes, I was viciously goosed in the driveway.
Okay, fine, I'm making a point.
You have a choice.
Go in the garage and clear out all your junk, so I can park my car there.
Or? Perhaps I misled you with the use of the word "choice".
Daddy, daddy! Mommy was attacked by a pack of wild geese! You're too late.
Do I still get my dollar? Mama don't get her garage, baby don't get her dollar.
Makes sense.
So can Darcy come over for a play-date tomorrow? I'm sorry, Sweetie.
Tomorrow I will be busy supervising a very big child as he cleans out the garage.
That's really funny, mommy! Still not getting your dollar.
Fine, it wasn't that funny.
Hey, maybe Tyler can babysit for Chloe's play-date.
I don't have time for that.
The Internet is uploading over three days of video every minute.
I'm way behind.
Good.
Darcy wouldn't want you babysitting us anyway.
She doesn't like you.
That's impossible.
Everyone likes me.
What do you mean, your friend doesn't like me? You know how you feel when you really, really like someone? Yeah.
She feels the opposite.
That doesn't make sense.
Everybody likes me.
Likability is my thing.
It's what people like most about me.
Not my people.
Yes, your people.
All people.
Everyone has to like me.
I bet your friend would like me if she knew me better.
You have to let me babysit.
Okay, but you better be good.
Kids my age have a very short attention span.
Don't worry, I know how to keep you guys on the edge of your Are you still talking? Hey, dad.
Can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, of course.
You know you can always talk to your old dad.
Uh, it's about my teenage rebellion.
Ah.
Avery I can tell you as a psychologist, teenage rebellion is not mandatory.
You can skip it and just have a really intense mid-life crisis.
I joined an extreme in-line skating team.
No, I'm not rebelling.
Kids think I'm a goody-two-shoes.
That's the problem.
Well, that's my problem.
I don't have time to get into your problem.
You're not a goody-two-shoes.
That's an exaggeration.
I was voted most likely to become a corporate whistle blower.
Well, you did turn your school in for title nine violations.
The case is still pending.
We need a girls' football team! Sweetie, why do you need to change? I've always taught you to feel good about who you are.
No, I know and that's what's so hard about this.
I don't want to change who I am, but I want to get a little out of my comfort zone and show there's more to me than being a goody-two-shoes.
You might want to stop saying "goody-two-shoes".
I don't think people really say that anymore.
There's not a good synonym! I even made up "Betty-nice-boots," but I looked it up on the Internet and apparently it's an insult for someone who's always flaunting their boots.
Believe it or not, I went through something similar a few years back.
I mean not flaunting my boots, although they were nice.
No, I broke out of my shell and uh Got a little nuts.
Wow, you were in a heavy metal band? Oh no, I just got really deep into the Photoshop scene.
Yeah, that makes more sense.
And you'll find what makes sense for you.
Something that takes you a little out of your comfort zone but stays true to who you are.
Thanks, dad.
You know, you're really good at this.
Uh, well I did train with Sigmund Freud.
Okay, I'm gonna make Chloe's friend like me.
Here's my plan.
I'll ask her name, she'll tell me her name, and I'll tell her that means "beautiful" in Greek.
Boom, she loves me.
I thought my name meant "beautiful" in Greek.
You love me, don't you? I do.
I'm gonna try that on the poodle next door.
Don't be too eager, be cool.
Be cool.
Can you believe your father still has this old bean bag chair? Okay, it's not all beans in here.
It's moving.
I'll get it! Bye, mommy! I'll see you later! I don't know when! I'll call you! Hey, Darcy.
Darcy, hey.
Did you know your name means "beautiful" in Greek? Wow.
I know.
Sly brow.
- What's wrong with your face? - Nothing? - I don't like him.
- I tried to tell him.
Some just people don't listen.
That's very unlikable.
Can you believe she was getting rid of my bean bag? You just have to shake the mice out.
It's good as new.
I can't believe it.
She really doesn't like me.
I know what you should do.
Get a bacon cheeseburger and put it on the floor.
How is that going to make her like me? Oh, you wanna lose me, too? Is that it? Look, when dogs want people to like them, they do tricks.
What's your best trick? All right, girls.
Ready for my best trick? Looks like old Tyler is getting in over his head on this one.
I'm almost afraid to unfreeze.
Aah! And that's why mommy says no bikes in the house.
Why does your father have a troll doll, a stuffed dolphin, and a remote control car? And why is his mid-life crisis extreme in-line skate ramp back in the family room? - Well? - That was awesome! - It was? - Yeah! I love seeing people I don't like get hurt.
What kind of grinchy fun-hater would try to get rid of my troll-dolphin-mobile? Hey, grinchy fun-hater.
Bennett, what is going on? I take stuff from the garage to the dumpster, it ends up right back in the house.
Including new stuff.
Where did this come from? When the woman next door saw our dumpster, she started throwing stuff out.
Isn't this cool? So let me get this straight.
You are now dumpster diving for stuff that the cat lady threw away.
And snowshoes, Bennett? Really? Hey hey, these snowshoes were worn by my Uncle Henny in the blizzard of '29.
When he walked from Anchorage to Nome to get the medicine that saved my grandfather's life.
If it weren't for these snowshoes, I wouldn't even be here today.
Or did I buy these last year at the Rose Bowl flea market? Mommy, mommy! I saw so many wonderful things in the dumpster, things that will make my childhood magical.
Did daddy put you up to this, Chloe? Duh! Who else likes scary garbage? Do I still get my dollar? Daddy can't keep his trash, baby don't get no cash.
Stan, I need an act of rebellion impressive enough to get me social cred that still stays true to who I am.
Something crazy! Something no one else is doing! Like wearing ties! Which I already do! So clearly, that doesn't work! You want in on my thing? I'm chewing Bennett's desk legs down one inch at a time until one day his knees won't fit under it.
With both of us working, it'll go twice as fast.
I don't understand.
I usually swell up in the spring.
Stan, are you chewing on my desk leg? Huh? Why can't I think of anything? Relax.
Gnaw on some leg.
It'll take the edge off.
- No thanks.
- It's the good stuff.
Carolina pine.
This isn't helping.
I need to think of something.
Maybe you're trying too hard.
Maybe if you just relax, your answer will come walking through the door.
Can I store this box in your room? I bet you're wondering why I'm wearing these snowshoes.
Because you want to show mom that you'll really use them.
The same reason you're wearing the ten mood rings.
You really get me, which is why I'm happy.
So I don't know why I'm also angry, jealous, and sad.
I am complex.
I've got it.
I know exactly what I'm going to do.
Yarn bombing! Yard bombing? Great! You can have the whole left side of the yard.
Oh, it is fun.
Less so since I started eating wood.
No, no, yarn bombing.
- What's that? - You'll see.
Oh, yarn bombing with an "N".
That's right.
This is my act of rebellion.
Well, I did some yard bombing over there.
If yours doesn't work, you're welcome to take credit for mine.
Wow, cool.
Someone yarn bombed Principal Richards.
Who did this? I'll give you a hint; Her name starts with an "A" and ends with a "Y".
Ashley, the lame-o who made the Statue of Liberty float out of tuna cans for the doo dah parade? - No.
- Amity? The girl whose name sounds like she'd be friendly, but mocks people's hats behind their backs? No.
Ansley, the transfer student from England who thinks she's better than us, Because she talks like this? No! It was me, I did it.
I finally did something to shed my good girl rep without violating any principles.
Well, except this Principal.
What delinquent did this? Someone's in big trouble.
Uh oh.
I can tell you who did it.
Her name starts with an "A" and ends with a "Y".
Abby, the girl with the flowers in her hair who plays the flute during lunch? No, it was me.
I did it.
I'm so sorry, Avery.
I didn't realize.
I thought some delinquent was defacing school property.
I was! It was an act of rebellion, albeit one in keeping with who I am.
And with who Principal Richards was.
You know, legend has it despite his walrus-like skin and double-bagged underwear, the man got cold easily.
Yes, we all know the legend of chilly Rick Richards.
And I now see that it wasn't a delinquent defacing school property; It was our best student beautifying the commons on her own time and at her own expense.
Brava! Bravissima! Put that flute away, Abby.
This isn't the renaissance fair.
I liked that knitting thing until I found out it was beautification.
It wasn't supposed to be.
It's still pretty, it's just not cool.
Like a ponytail on a man.
Tyler, aren't you babysitting Chloe and Darcy again in a few minutes? You look horrible.
Your shirt's not even tucked in behind your belt buckle.
I know.
I've lost the will to Tuckle.
I can't eat, I can't sleep.
Someone doesn't like me, Stan.
My likeability is my identity.
I don't know who I am without that.
You have always been that guy everyone likes.
I know, so if someone doesn't like me, then I'm just the guy practically everyone likes.
And that's not as good and takes longer to say.
Tyler, it's okay if one person doesn't like you.
You mean like how my mom doesn't like you? Why do you have to pick at that scab? It's very hurtful.
Why doesn't she like me? Why, Tyler? Why?! Is that how I look? All needy and desperate? Uh, yeah.
That's my point.
That's what that whole crazy "why, Tyler? Why?!" Thing was about.
But while we're on the subject; Why doesn't she like me? Are my paws too big? I keep my fur very soft.
Is it my doggie breath? It can't be any worse than Bennett's.
Stop waving and just go! We're ready for our play-date.
I have an idea.
If you want Darcy to like you, you should take us to the zoo.
And frozen yogurt.
Nah, we don't have to do that.
I realized that acting all desperate for Darcy to like me just made me look really, really uncool.
No! You have to want her to like you! We want zoo! And fro-yo.
Wait a minute.
You guys have been playing me, haven't you? You're pretending Darcy doesn't like me, so I would babysit and do stuff for you.
No.
Honest.
She hates you.
Darcy, come here.
- Do you hate me? - Yes.
Because I think you like me.
No, I don't.
I think you like me almost as much as I like me.
I like you more! Oh, thank goodness.
This is the best of both worlds.
I realize not everyone has to like me, and everyone likes me! Hit me with a sly brow! Please! Just one sec.
Tuckle.
Slybrow.
I don't understand.
My knees fit under this table.
Bennett, I am so excited.
I was finally able to park my car in our garriage.
Have you been calling the garage the "garriage" this whole time? No, but now that it's all cleaned out, I figured it needs some sprucing up.
I'm starting with the name.
By making room in your garriage, you have made peace in your marriage.
Jolly good one, Ellen.
Well, seeing you so happy makes it all worth it.
So what'd you do with all the "garbage" that was in the garriage? Don't worry, I took care of it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a patient waiting.
Tommy? Tommy, are you in here? Tom, Tom, Tom! Whoa! Well, Avery, if you wanted to get in trouble and lose that goody-goody image This should do it.
If he doesn't come out of there with wings, I'm going to be very disappointed.
Aah! What the Now am I in trouble, Mr.
Carver? Yes! And I expect you to remove all this yarn immediately.
But do me last.
I feel warm and swaddled.
I did it! I actually did it! Did you hear that, everybody? I'm in trouble! I'm a baddy-baddy! Who knows what I'm gonna do next! Probably clean it all up, because that's what he told me to do.
Wow, Avery, did you do this? Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
It's amazing.
Isn't this amazing, everyone? - I didn't know you had this in you.
- You know what else is in me? These two knitting needles.
I need to go to the nurse.
Avery and Tyler both wrestled with wanting to be accepted versus accepting who they are.
That happens a lot.
I, for one, have accepted the fact that I like to chew the legs off of furniture.
So we're just gonna pretend this isn't happening, huh? I really do not know what else to do.
Okay, maybe I do have a problem.