Doll and Em (2013) s02e04 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 4
Would you say, "Let's hang out tomorrow," - and then not hang out? - No.
Shit! He's 45 minutes late.
He's probably playing it cool.
- He said I had a rock and roll soul.
- You definitely do.
- She does, doesn't she? - Maybe you put him off by inviting us.
Yeah.
- Still good, guys? - Yes, thank you.
You're welcome.
Nice beard, man.
How long you letting that grow? - No plans to cut it.
- Respect, dude.
- Thank you.
- You got it.
- I got off with him.
- What? In the loo.
- Doll, were you drunk? - Yeah.
- Did you have sex? - No.
- Weird.
Did he offer you drugs? - No.
What, you just went into the loo and immediately started snogging? - Pretty much.
- Dolly?! You got off with Ewan McGregor last night in a toilet?! Oh, please, Ewan McGregor, turn up now when we're all laughing.
God, that's so racy.
Don't you think? Original script by MemoryOnSmells - Did you get a text back? - No.
What did the one you sent say? - "Why didn't you show up, you wanker?" - Wow! Well done.
Not really.
It said, "My mum just watched you in Moulin Rouge! "And thinks you're really sexy.
" One kiss.
Maybe don't send another one for a little bit.
I'm not going to.
Ah, yeah, God you have got nits.
- Great! - I've seen two massive ones.
Noah's going to kill me! I'm trying to express my mood.
It's just like this well, this swirl of emotion.
- Yeah.
- And then splattered.
It's here and it's mind-blowing.
I didn't really plan it, it just kind of happened organically.
Are you talking about your beard? - No.
- We're talking about his work.
Oh sorry.
Do you shower at Doll's? - Yeah.
- Thank you so much, Noah.
You're very welcome.
Do you have any more I could see? - Yeah, I have more in my studio and - Well, I've got to go, I've got a fitting.
- OK.
Bye.
- Bye.
Cos I would love to see, you know, the progression as it's changed.
I mean, I I could talk about this for hours.
Yeah, I could talk about it for hours too.
So fucking cool! I mean, it's crazy cool! I can't get over it! I just can't believe it's me! It's amazing! Doll, look at this.
- I'm trying to focus on this.
- I mean, it's just perfect.
- And it fits like a glove.
I love it.
- This scene is a total mess, Em! We're going to have to rewrite it, it doesn't make any sense like this.
Well, go on, then.
Let's hear it.
Linda can help us out with it too.
- Really? - Yeah.
What's this? Here, below on that.
Go on.
Go on.
Whoop! Do it again.
Whoop! It's a bagpipe.
Go on, do it again.
- I don't want to do it.
- One more.
Take a picture for the kids, will you? I love it! Wait.
I can't get rid of this tickle.
Wait.
Wait.
Got it? - Oh, my God! Why is it so delicious? - It's a hoagey.
- Listen to you.
You sound so American.
- It's got a secret sauce.
They won't tell me what's in it.
I think it's collard greens.
- I taste barrettes.
- I taste bangs.
- No, no, you have it.
- No, I Fuck! Fuck! I'm sorry.
- No.
- I'm sorry, Olivia.
I just I think I'm having a hard time figuring out what the tone is for the scene.
Guys? Is anyone fucking there? Tone? Yeah, hi.
The Like, I don't know, this all seems pretty sexual to me.
But if it's not that, then what is it? You know, I just need to know what we're saying and where this is going.
Just some idea.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think it's meant to be ambiguous.
A woman meets a man and the woman's immediately really drawn to the man and her husband gets jealous of the man, but the woman can't hide her feelings for the man.
The man isn't really a man, the man's a woman in disguise.
And I think that Grace, you know, knows at this point that Lilly's her sister but Lilly doesn't know.
And so I think it's really kind of hanging over Grace to to tell her.
Where's your beard? Put your beard on.
Wait, no, forget the beard for a second.
I I just need to know what's happening in the scene.
Can you guys tell me what inspired you to write this play even? Yeah.
God! Doll? Erm, I think that we've always been very, very eager to collaborate.
And I think that we were really inspired - by things like Shakespeare.
- Shakespeare definitely.
Yeah, I got that part, I just In many ways, I think it's like women wanting to be more like men, or wanting to have the freedom of men.
But it set now, right? Like, women in 2015? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yes.
No, I think they're both just quite confused and they're at a time in their lives where they're really quite lost, but they find each other in the magical forest, which in this case is New York City, and they have this kind of burgeoning friendship where they learn to be their happiest, - best selves.
- Best selves.
And, you know, then they have to Then they have to work out how to make that work outside the magical forest and thus achieve a greater understanding of who they are.
- Don't say "thus".
- Sorry.
No, I mean, it's basically just about friendship.
I don't know if you've seen Tootsie, but it's very, very similar to that, just the other way round.
Because Em and I watched that together and both loved it, didn't we? It's a great film.
That was awful! Hey, Em, can you send this text from your phone, like it's a round robin to all your contacts, but only send it to Ewan McGregor? Please.
"Huge condolences to Doll "on the unexpected death of her wonderful granny.
"We all know how close you were.
"Hang on in there, beautiful lady with the rock and roll soul.
" - Really? You really want me to send that? - Yeah.
Thanks.
Oh, my God! - What? - It's him! - What? - It's him! Hello? Hello? - 'Oh, hey, Emily, how you doing?' - Hi.
I'm great.
How are you? - 'Yeah, yeah, good, good.
You look good.
' - Oh, thank you.
So do you.
- You look wonderful.
- 'Do you have kids already?' I have two kids.
- 'Two?' - Yeah.
- 'Well, you look good on it.
' - Thank you.
So do you.
Listen, I can't tell you how excited I am about the movie that we're doing.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe my luck.
'Oh, yeah, that's why I wanted to speak to face-to-face.
' Yeah.
'I've had second thoughts about the film.
' Oh, shit! Really? 'Yeah.
I mean, I think it makes perfect sense for you to do it because your part is awesome, 'but I think my guy's just lame, kind of lame.
' - No.
No, I would never say that.
Really? - 'Yeah.
' 'If you think about it, he's just like a big iPhone charger.
' Oh, gosh! I don't know where Where did you get that from? No way! I think he's I mean to me, he just reads as so strong and brave and cool.
You know, powerful.
I mean, shit, we could swap parts maybe, if that would make you feel better about it.
'No, I suggested that but he's not into it.
' Oh, shit! OK.
'Emily, you know I love your work, and I really hope that we can work together one day, 'but I don't think it's going to be on this one.
' No, of course.
I I completely understand.
'I just wanted to tell you myself in person.
' Yeah.
No, thank you so much.
That's really sweet of you.
Thank you.
- 'I should get this.
' - OK, yeah.
Go, go.
'Hello? 'Hey, baby, how are you? 'Well, what are you doing over there? 'Fucking get over here.
' Fuck! He didn't even mention me! I mean, he did indirectly, cos he was quoting me, that was a direct quote about the iPhone charger? So he must respect me, I've sort of got under his skin.
But who's baby?! "Dear Emily.
We are so sorry to give you this news, "but Ewan has pulled out of Space Pilgrim "and the financing has fallen apart.
"A heavy, heavy blow, but at least now you're free - to focus on your play.
" - That's true.
Thanks, Doll.
Hey, guys.
How you doing? Yeah, not brilliant.
- I'm just going to go to the loo, I think.
- Are you OK? Yeah.
I think I'm going to be sick.
- Hey, can I talk to for a second? - Yeah, sure.
Erm Yeah, I've just been really living with this guy.
Yeah, I know the play is really shit right now, but I do think - No, no, no - it's going to be worth in the end.
Not at all.
No, I've just been going deep with the character.
Really? Cos I've just sort of had it with beards and to me it just feels like it's not working.
- Yes.
- Eight o'clock.
OK.
I was just saying that I've gone deep with this guy.
Listen, I don't think Doll's feeling very well.
- I'll just check on her.
- OK, no rush.
'Walk east on Johnson Street for 500ft.
' 'Turn around.
'You will arrive at your destination in 50ft.
'for 800ft.
'Recalibrating route.
'Walk east on Johnson Street for 500ft.
'Recalculating route.
' Did you sign the soccer form? What form? We were meant to send it with him to practice, plus 40 bucks for the tournament on Sunday.
That soccer dude's a dick.
He's fleecing us.
Please don't do that.
- Do what? - Get upset about the soccer man.
I'm finding it quite hard doing everything for everyone, it would be easier if you just paid him rather than bitching about it.
What do you mean, doing everything? I mean looking after the kids, while trying to do this play, which I don't even know why I'm doing, and worrying about you and Dolly.
I spend way more time with the kids than you.
That is so not true.
I picked 'em up from school today, I took April to band practice, I always do the shopping.
Look, I like spending time with the kids, all right? Just stop feeling sorry for yourself.
And turn the tap off.
- I have.
- Properly.
I just feel exhausted and miserable and sick all the time.
'The last time I felt like that was the menopause.
' Oh! Do you think it's that? 'I did tell you quite a long time ago, darling, to hurry up and find a boyfriend.
'You don't need ovaries to write a play.
- 'Stop looking at your phone.
' - Sorry.
- Is that red or orange? - Orange.
This'll work.
- And there we have it.
- Yes.
There you go, buddy.
- Night, guys.
- Night, Mom.
I wish I didn't have to go out.
Don't go, then? - Bye.
- You look hot, Em.
Thanks.
- Oh! Yes! - Good one.
My roll.
Thanks.
Mmm! Wow! That's a bit of a lethal combination.
That's the idea, isn't it? I believe that beer without vodka is like a passport without a photo.
You Russians! Ah, yeah, we're Russians.
Do you miss it? Do you miss Russia ever? - Nope.
- God! I really miss home, I think.
- Are you OK? - Yes, I'm great.
We're all great.
We're so We're just so thrilled and excited and grateful to be in your theatre.
And the truth? Erm the truth? I don't really know what we're trying to say in this stupid play.
- I don't even know if Doll and I are - Please, - trying to say the same thing any more.
- can I say something? Yes, please.
I would suggest that you would treat your play the way that you would have treated your child.
Just relax and have fun and love it and be strict with it if you want.
And don't give up no matter how you feel.
- Not - It will be great, don't worry.
Oh, Buddy, I'm all fucked up.
I can't stop thinking about Ewan.
It's pathetic! I can't concentrate on anything.
I can't eat, I can't sleep.
The more he ignores my ridiculous texts, the more I send.
Oh, it's shameful.
Oh, and I've got the menopause.
- Sorry.
- No, no, don't apologise.
It's not contagious, is it? - No.
- Good.
Well, I don't know much about that, but I I think I can cure the other thing.
How? Well, I think that I should pretend to be that very odd movie star that won't text you back.
You're nothing like him, Buddy.
Ah-ha! Well, no actually, you say that, but I'm going to love you so ferociously.
I'm going to text you so compulsively, and just generally adore you to such an embarrassing, cloying and borderline insane degree, that you'll be so disgusted by the idea of love that you'll be begging for it to stop.
I don't think I want it to stop, Buddy.
- Why? - Well, what else is there? There's your play.
It opens in three days.
That's what you're here for.
- No way! - Hey! - You like this place too? - Erm, I don't know.
Mikhail brought me here, he's going to get some more vodka.
- Em? - Yes.
I can make this beard at work.
I swear to God.
It's a huge part of my character.
Please.
I suppose so.
If you're really passionate about it, I You remember John.
- Hey, how you doing? - Hi.
How you doing? - Good to see you.
- Sit down.
- Thanks.
- He's erm He's very keen on keeping his beard.
- He's passionate about his beard.
- It's a great beard.
I overheard this woman telling, a couple months ago, to her friend that kissing a man without a beard, it's like eating an egg without salt.
Fuck yeah! Yeah.
Fuck yeah.
- Very good.
- A toast.
A toast.
- For the play.
- For the play.
For the play.
- And for Emily.
- For Emily.
Ahh! Woo! - Hey, can I talk to you for a second? - Sure.
Somebody told me that Frank Sinatra used to own this restaurant.
- Is that true? - Uh-huh.
It would be such a cool idea to do a one-man show on Frank Sinatra.
Owning a restaurant would be so weird.
- Oh! - Shakespeare had a sister.
She died young, alas, she never wrote a word.
She lies buried where the omnibuses now stop opposite the Elephant and Castle.
Now, my belief is that this poet still lives.
She lives in you and in me and in many other women who are not here tonight for they are washing up the dishes and putting the children to bed.
But she lives, for great poets do not die, they are continuing presences.
They need only the opportunity to walk among us in the flesh.
Would you walk with me to the bodega? I need to do some shopping, but keep talking, this is amazing.
This opportunity, as I think, it is now coming within your power to give her.
For my belief is that if we live another century or so, hmm, if we have the habit of freedom and the courage to write exactly what we think, if we escape a little from the common sitting room and view human beings not always in relation to each other, but in relation to reality and to the sky and the trees.
And if we face the fact, for it is a fact, that there is no arm to cling to but that we go alone, then the opportunity will come.
And the dead poet who was Shakespeare's sister will put on the body which she has so often laid down, drawing her life from the unknown who came before her as her brother did.
And she will be born.
Oh, hello.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How are you feeling? - Terrible! I just feel really sick.
Mum says it's the menopause.
Don't be daft.
It's just love, it makes people crazy.
- Did Ewan get back about my dead granny? - No.
Maybe he's dead.
I think we'd have heard about it by now if Ewan McGregor was dead.
Guess who I just bumped into on the street? Who? - Virginia Woolf, I think.
- That's not possible, she's dead.
I know, but she carried my shopping home.
Wow! Doll, we've been getting it all wrong.
This is our play and we can do whatever the hell we want with it.
Thank God you fucked up that Ewan McGregor movie for me.
We don't need men to validate us, we're free now.
Why did we ever go to write in a lighthouse? The ultimate phallic symbol! We basically wrote our play in a penis.
- She really got to you, didn't she? - Come on, Doll.
This is finally our chance to speak with our own voices.
I don't really know what I want to say.
Virginia thinks we should take it away from our real lives and I think she's right.
"Escape a little from the common sitting room," is how she put it.
It's the only answer.
We've got to think big.
I want to put in a dance number, Doll.
A feminist dance number.
Oh! This is not from Ewan McGregor.
"I love everything about you.
Kiss.
" Oh, Buddy.
- I can't wear the beard and the boat.
- Why would she wear the boat?! Don't be narrow-minded.
I want this play to be elliptical and exciting.
Well, maybe you should get Virginia Woolf to wear the boat.
Menopause! Even the word is disgusting! There's just going to be sort of hair sprouting out of my chin and have enormous ears and just feathers everywhere.
I'll be a mess.
- We felt like we were the really - Uptight.
yeah, repressed English ones.
Now I don't know.
Smash some stereotypes.
- Something shifted.
- Yeah.
Original script by MemoryOnSmells
Shit! He's 45 minutes late.
He's probably playing it cool.
- He said I had a rock and roll soul.
- You definitely do.
- She does, doesn't she? - Maybe you put him off by inviting us.
Yeah.
- Still good, guys? - Yes, thank you.
You're welcome.
Nice beard, man.
How long you letting that grow? - No plans to cut it.
- Respect, dude.
- Thank you.
- You got it.
- I got off with him.
- What? In the loo.
- Doll, were you drunk? - Yeah.
- Did you have sex? - No.
- Weird.
Did he offer you drugs? - No.
What, you just went into the loo and immediately started snogging? - Pretty much.
- Dolly?! You got off with Ewan McGregor last night in a toilet?! Oh, please, Ewan McGregor, turn up now when we're all laughing.
God, that's so racy.
Don't you think? Original script by MemoryOnSmells - Did you get a text back? - No.
What did the one you sent say? - "Why didn't you show up, you wanker?" - Wow! Well done.
Not really.
It said, "My mum just watched you in Moulin Rouge! "And thinks you're really sexy.
" One kiss.
Maybe don't send another one for a little bit.
I'm not going to.
Ah, yeah, God you have got nits.
- Great! - I've seen two massive ones.
Noah's going to kill me! I'm trying to express my mood.
It's just like this well, this swirl of emotion.
- Yeah.
- And then splattered.
It's here and it's mind-blowing.
I didn't really plan it, it just kind of happened organically.
Are you talking about your beard? - No.
- We're talking about his work.
Oh sorry.
Do you shower at Doll's? - Yeah.
- Thank you so much, Noah.
You're very welcome.
Do you have any more I could see? - Yeah, I have more in my studio and - Well, I've got to go, I've got a fitting.
- OK.
Bye.
- Bye.
Cos I would love to see, you know, the progression as it's changed.
I mean, I I could talk about this for hours.
Yeah, I could talk about it for hours too.
So fucking cool! I mean, it's crazy cool! I can't get over it! I just can't believe it's me! It's amazing! Doll, look at this.
- I'm trying to focus on this.
- I mean, it's just perfect.
- And it fits like a glove.
I love it.
- This scene is a total mess, Em! We're going to have to rewrite it, it doesn't make any sense like this.
Well, go on, then.
Let's hear it.
Linda can help us out with it too.
- Really? - Yeah.
What's this? Here, below on that.
Go on.
Go on.
Whoop! Do it again.
Whoop! It's a bagpipe.
Go on, do it again.
- I don't want to do it.
- One more.
Take a picture for the kids, will you? I love it! Wait.
I can't get rid of this tickle.
Wait.
Wait.
Got it? - Oh, my God! Why is it so delicious? - It's a hoagey.
- Listen to you.
You sound so American.
- It's got a secret sauce.
They won't tell me what's in it.
I think it's collard greens.
- I taste barrettes.
- I taste bangs.
- No, no, you have it.
- No, I Fuck! Fuck! I'm sorry.
- No.
- I'm sorry, Olivia.
I just I think I'm having a hard time figuring out what the tone is for the scene.
Guys? Is anyone fucking there? Tone? Yeah, hi.
The Like, I don't know, this all seems pretty sexual to me.
But if it's not that, then what is it? You know, I just need to know what we're saying and where this is going.
Just some idea.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think it's meant to be ambiguous.
A woman meets a man and the woman's immediately really drawn to the man and her husband gets jealous of the man, but the woman can't hide her feelings for the man.
The man isn't really a man, the man's a woman in disguise.
And I think that Grace, you know, knows at this point that Lilly's her sister but Lilly doesn't know.
And so I think it's really kind of hanging over Grace to to tell her.
Where's your beard? Put your beard on.
Wait, no, forget the beard for a second.
I I just need to know what's happening in the scene.
Can you guys tell me what inspired you to write this play even? Yeah.
God! Doll? Erm, I think that we've always been very, very eager to collaborate.
And I think that we were really inspired - by things like Shakespeare.
- Shakespeare definitely.
Yeah, I got that part, I just In many ways, I think it's like women wanting to be more like men, or wanting to have the freedom of men.
But it set now, right? Like, women in 2015? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yes.
No, I think they're both just quite confused and they're at a time in their lives where they're really quite lost, but they find each other in the magical forest, which in this case is New York City, and they have this kind of burgeoning friendship where they learn to be their happiest, - best selves.
- Best selves.
And, you know, then they have to Then they have to work out how to make that work outside the magical forest and thus achieve a greater understanding of who they are.
- Don't say "thus".
- Sorry.
No, I mean, it's basically just about friendship.
I don't know if you've seen Tootsie, but it's very, very similar to that, just the other way round.
Because Em and I watched that together and both loved it, didn't we? It's a great film.
That was awful! Hey, Em, can you send this text from your phone, like it's a round robin to all your contacts, but only send it to Ewan McGregor? Please.
"Huge condolences to Doll "on the unexpected death of her wonderful granny.
"We all know how close you were.
"Hang on in there, beautiful lady with the rock and roll soul.
" - Really? You really want me to send that? - Yeah.
Thanks.
Oh, my God! - What? - It's him! - What? - It's him! Hello? Hello? - 'Oh, hey, Emily, how you doing?' - Hi.
I'm great.
How are you? - 'Yeah, yeah, good, good.
You look good.
' - Oh, thank you.
So do you.
- You look wonderful.
- 'Do you have kids already?' I have two kids.
- 'Two?' - Yeah.
- 'Well, you look good on it.
' - Thank you.
So do you.
Listen, I can't tell you how excited I am about the movie that we're doing.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe my luck.
'Oh, yeah, that's why I wanted to speak to face-to-face.
' Yeah.
'I've had second thoughts about the film.
' Oh, shit! Really? 'Yeah.
I mean, I think it makes perfect sense for you to do it because your part is awesome, 'but I think my guy's just lame, kind of lame.
' - No.
No, I would never say that.
Really? - 'Yeah.
' 'If you think about it, he's just like a big iPhone charger.
' Oh, gosh! I don't know where Where did you get that from? No way! I think he's I mean to me, he just reads as so strong and brave and cool.
You know, powerful.
I mean, shit, we could swap parts maybe, if that would make you feel better about it.
'No, I suggested that but he's not into it.
' Oh, shit! OK.
'Emily, you know I love your work, and I really hope that we can work together one day, 'but I don't think it's going to be on this one.
' No, of course.
I I completely understand.
'I just wanted to tell you myself in person.
' Yeah.
No, thank you so much.
That's really sweet of you.
Thank you.
- 'I should get this.
' - OK, yeah.
Go, go.
'Hello? 'Hey, baby, how are you? 'Well, what are you doing over there? 'Fucking get over here.
' Fuck! He didn't even mention me! I mean, he did indirectly, cos he was quoting me, that was a direct quote about the iPhone charger? So he must respect me, I've sort of got under his skin.
But who's baby?! "Dear Emily.
We are so sorry to give you this news, "but Ewan has pulled out of Space Pilgrim "and the financing has fallen apart.
"A heavy, heavy blow, but at least now you're free - to focus on your play.
" - That's true.
Thanks, Doll.
Hey, guys.
How you doing? Yeah, not brilliant.
- I'm just going to go to the loo, I think.
- Are you OK? Yeah.
I think I'm going to be sick.
- Hey, can I talk to for a second? - Yeah, sure.
Erm Yeah, I've just been really living with this guy.
Yeah, I know the play is really shit right now, but I do think - No, no, no - it's going to be worth in the end.
Not at all.
No, I've just been going deep with the character.
Really? Cos I've just sort of had it with beards and to me it just feels like it's not working.
- Yes.
- Eight o'clock.
OK.
I was just saying that I've gone deep with this guy.
Listen, I don't think Doll's feeling very well.
- I'll just check on her.
- OK, no rush.
'Walk east on Johnson Street for 500ft.
' 'Turn around.
'You will arrive at your destination in 50ft.
'for 800ft.
'Recalibrating route.
'Walk east on Johnson Street for 500ft.
'Recalculating route.
' Did you sign the soccer form? What form? We were meant to send it with him to practice, plus 40 bucks for the tournament on Sunday.
That soccer dude's a dick.
He's fleecing us.
Please don't do that.
- Do what? - Get upset about the soccer man.
I'm finding it quite hard doing everything for everyone, it would be easier if you just paid him rather than bitching about it.
What do you mean, doing everything? I mean looking after the kids, while trying to do this play, which I don't even know why I'm doing, and worrying about you and Dolly.
I spend way more time with the kids than you.
That is so not true.
I picked 'em up from school today, I took April to band practice, I always do the shopping.
Look, I like spending time with the kids, all right? Just stop feeling sorry for yourself.
And turn the tap off.
- I have.
- Properly.
I just feel exhausted and miserable and sick all the time.
'The last time I felt like that was the menopause.
' Oh! Do you think it's that? 'I did tell you quite a long time ago, darling, to hurry up and find a boyfriend.
'You don't need ovaries to write a play.
- 'Stop looking at your phone.
' - Sorry.
- Is that red or orange? - Orange.
This'll work.
- And there we have it.
- Yes.
There you go, buddy.
- Night, guys.
- Night, Mom.
I wish I didn't have to go out.
Don't go, then? - Bye.
- You look hot, Em.
Thanks.
- Oh! Yes! - Good one.
My roll.
Thanks.
Mmm! Wow! That's a bit of a lethal combination.
That's the idea, isn't it? I believe that beer without vodka is like a passport without a photo.
You Russians! Ah, yeah, we're Russians.
Do you miss it? Do you miss Russia ever? - Nope.
- God! I really miss home, I think.
- Are you OK? - Yes, I'm great.
We're all great.
We're so We're just so thrilled and excited and grateful to be in your theatre.
And the truth? Erm the truth? I don't really know what we're trying to say in this stupid play.
- I don't even know if Doll and I are - Please, - trying to say the same thing any more.
- can I say something? Yes, please.
I would suggest that you would treat your play the way that you would have treated your child.
Just relax and have fun and love it and be strict with it if you want.
And don't give up no matter how you feel.
- Not - It will be great, don't worry.
Oh, Buddy, I'm all fucked up.
I can't stop thinking about Ewan.
It's pathetic! I can't concentrate on anything.
I can't eat, I can't sleep.
The more he ignores my ridiculous texts, the more I send.
Oh, it's shameful.
Oh, and I've got the menopause.
- Sorry.
- No, no, don't apologise.
It's not contagious, is it? - No.
- Good.
Well, I don't know much about that, but I I think I can cure the other thing.
How? Well, I think that I should pretend to be that very odd movie star that won't text you back.
You're nothing like him, Buddy.
Ah-ha! Well, no actually, you say that, but I'm going to love you so ferociously.
I'm going to text you so compulsively, and just generally adore you to such an embarrassing, cloying and borderline insane degree, that you'll be so disgusted by the idea of love that you'll be begging for it to stop.
I don't think I want it to stop, Buddy.
- Why? - Well, what else is there? There's your play.
It opens in three days.
That's what you're here for.
- No way! - Hey! - You like this place too? - Erm, I don't know.
Mikhail brought me here, he's going to get some more vodka.
- Em? - Yes.
I can make this beard at work.
I swear to God.
It's a huge part of my character.
Please.
I suppose so.
If you're really passionate about it, I You remember John.
- Hey, how you doing? - Hi.
How you doing? - Good to see you.
- Sit down.
- Thanks.
- He's erm He's very keen on keeping his beard.
- He's passionate about his beard.
- It's a great beard.
I overheard this woman telling, a couple months ago, to her friend that kissing a man without a beard, it's like eating an egg without salt.
Fuck yeah! Yeah.
Fuck yeah.
- Very good.
- A toast.
A toast.
- For the play.
- For the play.
For the play.
- And for Emily.
- For Emily.
Ahh! Woo! - Hey, can I talk to you for a second? - Sure.
Somebody told me that Frank Sinatra used to own this restaurant.
- Is that true? - Uh-huh.
It would be such a cool idea to do a one-man show on Frank Sinatra.
Owning a restaurant would be so weird.
- Oh! - Shakespeare had a sister.
She died young, alas, she never wrote a word.
She lies buried where the omnibuses now stop opposite the Elephant and Castle.
Now, my belief is that this poet still lives.
She lives in you and in me and in many other women who are not here tonight for they are washing up the dishes and putting the children to bed.
But she lives, for great poets do not die, they are continuing presences.
They need only the opportunity to walk among us in the flesh.
Would you walk with me to the bodega? I need to do some shopping, but keep talking, this is amazing.
This opportunity, as I think, it is now coming within your power to give her.
For my belief is that if we live another century or so, hmm, if we have the habit of freedom and the courage to write exactly what we think, if we escape a little from the common sitting room and view human beings not always in relation to each other, but in relation to reality and to the sky and the trees.
And if we face the fact, for it is a fact, that there is no arm to cling to but that we go alone, then the opportunity will come.
And the dead poet who was Shakespeare's sister will put on the body which she has so often laid down, drawing her life from the unknown who came before her as her brother did.
And she will be born.
Oh, hello.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How are you feeling? - Terrible! I just feel really sick.
Mum says it's the menopause.
Don't be daft.
It's just love, it makes people crazy.
- Did Ewan get back about my dead granny? - No.
Maybe he's dead.
I think we'd have heard about it by now if Ewan McGregor was dead.
Guess who I just bumped into on the street? Who? - Virginia Woolf, I think.
- That's not possible, she's dead.
I know, but she carried my shopping home.
Wow! Doll, we've been getting it all wrong.
This is our play and we can do whatever the hell we want with it.
Thank God you fucked up that Ewan McGregor movie for me.
We don't need men to validate us, we're free now.
Why did we ever go to write in a lighthouse? The ultimate phallic symbol! We basically wrote our play in a penis.
- She really got to you, didn't she? - Come on, Doll.
This is finally our chance to speak with our own voices.
I don't really know what I want to say.
Virginia thinks we should take it away from our real lives and I think she's right.
"Escape a little from the common sitting room," is how she put it.
It's the only answer.
We've got to think big.
I want to put in a dance number, Doll.
A feminist dance number.
Oh! This is not from Ewan McGregor.
"I love everything about you.
Kiss.
" Oh, Buddy.
- I can't wear the beard and the boat.
- Why would she wear the boat?! Don't be narrow-minded.
I want this play to be elliptical and exciting.
Well, maybe you should get Virginia Woolf to wear the boat.
Menopause! Even the word is disgusting! There's just going to be sort of hair sprouting out of my chin and have enormous ears and just feathers everywhere.
I'll be a mess.
- We felt like we were the really - Uptight.
yeah, repressed English ones.
Now I don't know.
Smash some stereotypes.
- Something shifted.
- Yeah.
Original script by MemoryOnSmells