Doll and Em (2013) s02e05 Episode Script

Series 2, Episode 5

Great.
Thanks, Tom.
So, Lilly's alone.
She's dancing.
She looks up, and and there's Grace.
And just as suddenly Grace is gone, and Lilly doesn't know if it was real or imagined.
Grace was on a boat.
What does she not know was real or imagined? Where did the boat come from? We're just taking it outside the common sitting room.
- Oh yeah - What do you mean? It's what Virginia Woolf taught me, but let's not worry about that yet.
Let's just work out the dance, and Lilly loves to dance.
Yes, she's unselfconscious.
She's doing it for herself, not for anyone else.
Like Flashdance? Um how long exactly am I going to be dancing on stage? Could you just maybe get up and show me? Oh, I I wish I could, but I'm scared of heights.
Tom! Are you there? No! Oh my God! Um, hi, Ewan.
It's Dolly.
I think I just missed your call.
So um I'm just leaving a message to say hey.
Um Oh, how are you? I'm, um, just hopelessly lost in New York.
I was just at the social security office, and now I don't know where I am.
And I and I just tried to post a letter, and I think I I think I posted it in a in a dustbin.
[Doll retches and coughs] We're in a really good place.
Let's try one now where we hear the the loneliness and the longing in the silence between the words, in a way.
Just I'm waiting for an identity.
I mean, t-to have meaning, to exist.
I'm not real until I can carve my name on it.
Good, it's perfect.
I really - you really inhabited the pain and the - Guys I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I have to do this.
- I have to do this I know - Doll - I'm so sorry.
I know but I have - We're rehearsing a scene to tell you this.
Ewan McGregor called me back.
Ewan McGregor called me back! I mean, I missed the call, but I left him a message.
Oh, this is the worst.
Wait till you hear this! As I was leaving him a message on his voicemail I retched, and then I was sick! You actually just made me kind of nauseous.
Ah, are you you still feeling sick? It would be really irresponsible for you to come to a rehearsal carrying a virus.
I mean, I'm happy for you, but fuck! What's the boat for? The boat? Oh, the boat is a new idea I've had, and I think it's great because it really ties in with the major themes of expatriation and travel, and Evan's going to wear the boat.
Evan, why don't you hop in? Shall we have a look? Tom, do you mind helping Evan into the boat? Yeah, but why would she wear the boat? Doll, don't be narrow-minded.
I really want this play to be elliptical and exciting.
Well, maybe you should get Virginia Woolf to wear the boat.
- She's not in the play.
No she's not.
- Well, she sort of is.
No, I'm making a joke.
You are dressed like Virginia Woolf.
Wasn't very funny.
Guys, don't you think it's a little late for new ideas.
Yeah, I, uh I don't think I can't wear the beard and the boat.
Actually, I can't even look at you.
All these last-minute changes, they just, ah Honestly, they reek of indecision and fear.
Oh no, don't be a cunt, Evan.
I think the boat's kind of cool, actually.
What did you call me? She called you a cunt, but it doesn't mean the same thing back home.
- Excuse me?! - No, Doll, you In America, there are certain people you can't say cunt to, like my mother-in-law for example doesn't respond well to it, and I now think we've learnt that Evan isn't a big fan either.
- No, no.
No, she's not.
- Sorry, I I had no idea.
It's funny because in England it's almost like a term of endearment.
- Of course it is.
I love you, you cunt.
- Shut up, you silly cunt.
- Come and kiss me, you cunt.
- Can we stop saying the ugly word? Do you think it is ugly, 'cause I think it's quite a cool word? - Cunt.
- It's in Chaucer, isn't it? She sticks her cunt out the window, and farts through it.
Enough! Cunt.
You're a cunt.
You're a cunt.
You know what, in America I do think it is more gender-specific.
Like you wouldn't say it to a man.
No, no it's a demeaning term used only against women.
- Yeah, but that's quite sexist, isn't it? - Yeah, I know what you mean.
- What? - Hi.
I'm here for your interview.
So, do you mind if I ask, why aren't you playing these roles yourselves? Oh, God no, I I couldn't.
I've always had terrible stage fright.
Really? Yeah.
Just the thought of standing on the stage, and all these people looking up at me so quietly and expectantly, and I feel like I'd do something kamikaze like start crawling around on all fours, or run into the audience, or something.
- It's a kind of vertigo, I think.
- Which she's sort of given me now.
'Cause I really wanted to be in a play and I um, not vertigo, but I feel a feeling of wanting to just shout something out when it gets very quiet in the theatre, you know - Like what, for example? - Well like "Mint!" or something - but it would be a alarming.
- Well, it might be quite exciting for the audience, distract them from the seamless drivel we've written.
So you have, um, much younger actresses playing you.
Would you like to explain that a little? - Oh, it wasn't really I don't think - Not much younger, like - Ten years.
- Ten years? Is it that much? God.
So, Olivia, Evan, what drew you guys to this project? Oh sure.
I've always just been really fascinated by female friendship.
And I wanted to be part of a play written and directed by two women.
I thought that would be really powerful, and I'm a new mother my friends are my lifeline.
So, ah, this is for all the women in my life.
I'm actually quite active in that respect.
I want to ensure women everywhere are treated with the respect and the dignity that they deserve, you know especially amongst their communities.
- Beautiful.
Thank you.
- Yeah, sure.
Evan? Well I I I don't know.
I've always really loved England.
And, ah, I really wanted to play an English role.
Yeah, um, but I guess there's all kinds of English people, - so - Yeah.
All kinds of women.
Yeah, so let's talk about that England-America thing.
[Both] Yeah.
Ah, I guess in this, to me it feels more about Do you know, at the beginning we felt like we were the - really yeah, repressed - uptight, yeah English ones, um - but now I don't know.
There's something, - I know - there's a - feels like you sort of smashed - some stereotypes.
Yeah - something shifted.
'Cause I mean, I suppose back home, anybody can be a cunt.
You know, it doesn't matter where you were born, who you are, or anything.
It's like the the National Health Service.
Oh, right Um so [Doll retches] - Are you are you okay? - Sweetheart Should I get water or? - She's okay.
- Okay great So, do you guys feel ready for opening night? I mean, I'm basically dying.
I thought I had ten more years at least.
I mean, who's ever going to fancy me again? Menopause.
Even the word is disgusting.
I'm just gonna now, just gonna be, sort of hair sprouting out of my chin, and enormous ears, and just feathers everywhere and just a mess, of all feathers Do you think that interview was all right? Yes, honey.
I can't stop talking about how crap I am.
I never can.
Virginia Woolf's going to be very disappointed in me.
We've only just made friends, and I've already sold her down the river.
- Oh, that's brilliant - Agghh! So, take me through your symptoms.
Um I just feel exhausted a lot of the time, and nauseous.
My mum says it's the menopause.
When was the last time you had intercourse? Oh, about a year ago, although I had a bit of a fumble recently.
What did you get up to in that toilet, Doll? You need to have actual penetrative sex to get pregnant, don't you? What about the Duchess of Argyll? Didn't she get pregnant from a sponge?! - She did.
- Let's do a test, shall we? Oh, no, how much would that cost? 'Cause I haven't got any medical insurance, or even a social security card.
- Don't worry Doll, I've got it.
Yeah.
- Really? Do it.
How long have you had that? This? It's not really a cough or anything.
It's just a um it's like a weird feeling I've got in the back of my throat, - that I can't really clear - You should get that checked out.
Really? I could take a swab right now if you like.
Yeah, okay.
If you think that would be the right thing.
I have to say, I loved The Newsroom.
Thank you! Now, just open your mouth as wide as you can.
And, ah, Match Point.
I really love the British actress who played your mother.
She's always impressed me.
Very convincing.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
Oh, no, I'm so sorry.
He started it.
I'm pregnant, Em.
- You're pregnant? - Congratulations.
Come on, Doll.
It's actually brilliant.
- It's a miracle, really.
- It is a miracle.
Yeah, I know.
Immaculate conception.
Maybe you've got the Second Coming in there.
Don't say that.
It's blasphemous.
Jesus Christ, it's from him! "Thanks for your message, I guess.
Kidding.
Never heard someone throw up on a phone before.
Hope you're over whatever it was.
Leaving today for New Zealand for eight months.
We should grab dinner when I'm back.
" Yeah, you, me, and our baby.
Guys, we're home.
Guys! Isn't it crazy how we're halfway through our lives, and still something so surprising and amazing can happen? You can be making a whole new life, a new beginning.
Or just as easy, you could it you know, could be the beginning of the end.
I mean, as a woman our age, you could be having a baby or starting to face your own demise.
If it's a girl, would you consider calling her Emily? I don't even know if I'm going to have her, Em.
Oh, Doll.
Look at those girls.
Look at their legs.
If you were a man, would you just immediately be thinking about shoving your willy in them, or jizzing all over their hair or something? - Yeah, probably.
- Shit.
- Is that what Noah thinks about? - Definitely.
Where is he anyway? That doctor really scared me.
Oh no, he was just being conscientious.
They have to do that so you don't sue them if you get throat cancer.
Don't say that.
Well no, of course you haven't got throat cancer Stop saying that.
That's my mum.
She wants to know what the doctor said.
Let me talk to her.
Teresa, hi ya, how are you? Guess what.
Great news.
You're going to be a granny.
Hooray! - What? - Yeah, it turns out Dolly didn't have the menopause.
She's pregnant.
He's a really nice man from East Sussex, Mum.
He's got a huge estate, and you know his mother, I think.
Did I mention he was an Earl? Who is his mother? Not really.
I got knocked up by an actor in a bar in Brooklyn.
Brooklyn what's Brooklyn like? According to your sister, it's a cliché now.
Are you really pregnant? I'm confused.
- Hey! How are you? - How are you? I was worried about you.
We went to the theatre to surprise you, but you weren't there.
Then we ended up going out for dinner with Olivia at this really, really cool little place downtown.
- It was so delicious.
- Wow She's amazing.
She's just like you, just younger.
And funnier.
It's gonna work.
What's so wonderful about bloody Olivia? Don't answer that.
The kids already have.
They're just enjoying the attention.
I know I would.
It's intoxicating.
It makes you crazy.
That's why I followed Ewan McGregor into the loo.
- Great! - No, she's doing it to get close to you.
She's fascinated by you.
Why isn't Evan fascinated by me? Doll, you're wonderful, and original, and everybody thinks so.
- Now, come on, let's get to work.
- Well no, I think this is work.
I mean, I think talking is helping with the play.
Really? How? Well, I was just about to say before you interrupted me.
Oh, so sorry.
- No, it's fine.
- Mum, come.
- Mum! - And if you'd rather - do this another time - There isn't really another time, Doll.
We've got 24 hours before people watch this thing, whatever it is.
- Mum! - Oh, God, Noah's going to see it.
I've been completely ignoring him and the kids, and for what? I feel sick.
Well, what I was going to say is that although Lilly feels that her life is much worse than anybody else's in the whole wide world, I actually think that she has quite an easy ride.
I disagree.
I don't think that's true at all.
She went to the perfect primary school, she's always had boys fancy her.
She went to an amazing university.
Her career has been a huge success.
People are always falling in love with her - No, Doll, I don't - Oh, here we go "No, Doll, it's not Lilly who's always had people fall in love with her.
It's me.
" I wasn't going to say that.
Why would I say that? It's not even true.
Besides, it's not what the play's about.
Well, I don't really care about the play, to be honest.
You know, I just thought it was going to be a change of scene.
That we might have some fun, and Well, I think I'd like to explore the idea that um Grace's arrival in New York has paradoxically made Lilly really miss England more than ever, and the life she left behind there.
Are you saying that it's my fault that you're homesick? Could I just be homesick for a bit? You've had ten years.
No, of course.
I know that, I'm not saying that.
I'm just saying writing the play together was always going to bring stuff up for both of us, you know.
And anyway, I mean, London's quite lonely.
I don't know why you'd want to go back there.
Well, marriage can be quite lonely too.
I don't know why I left.
You left because you really love your husband.
Do you think he loves me? Of course he loves you.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
Come on.
We can fix this.
We're going to make this something Evan and Olivia are proud to be part of.
Shit, it's fucking daunting! I don't know where to start.
God, Em, can you believe that I'm pregnant? How did you not know you'd had sex? I didn't want to dwell on that bit.
I wanted it to be romantic.
Of course you did.
But it's okay.
Let's just think of three possible endings - that um that - Yes, okay.
don't involve Olivia and Noah falling in love, and riding off into the sunset - with your children.
- Shut up! Focus.
Okay, come on.
Okay.
I'm onto something.
Motherhood does not suit Lilly-slash-Olivia.
She has lost her looks, and her hair is thinning, except about the lips, neck and forehead.
Oh, that's inspired! Okay, get this down.
- Time has been cruel to Grace-slash-Evan.
- Okay.
Once a woman in control, she has not been able to maintain lockdown on her personal hygiene, and is now riddled with head lice.
- Oh, God, she is! - I know.
No no, but seriously, what if we ended it like like A Midsummer Night's Dream or As You Like It or something, with someone talking to the audience about the play.
But you don't want it to all sort of tie up too perfectly.
No, but Shakespeare's not doing that.
He's just reminding us that all the chaos and the confusion, and the cross-dressing, and the people falling in love with the wrong people, that won't ever end, we're all going to carry on doing that forever.
That the only real ending is the end of the play, or in our own lives, death.
Is this about your throat cancer? - No.
- Mum? - Mum! - Coming! I don't know.
Just I don't know, write something down.
Coming! So, was it fun with Olivia? Yeah, it was.
I think the kids miss you.
It's all so miserable.
I don't know how we thought we could ever pull it off.
Of course you feel miserable.
It is miserable.
The fun's in the idea.
Then you make yourself vulnerable.
All that hard work.
You know, you doubt yourself.
At least you and Doll are still friends through it.
Where'd this come from? Weird.
I have no idea.
You have no idea where lice shampoo came from, in our house? - Do you have nits? - Don't talk to me like I'm a freak.
- Do you have nits? Let me check.
- No! I don't have them! Let me have a look.
Look, I don't care if you have 'em.
I just want to see for myself.
Okay.
I I did have them.
I have done the treatment now about four times, and I definitely got rid of them.
Well, let me see.
Okay.
That feels so nice.
Fuck! - Fucking Doll! - It wasn't her.
Why do you lie for her? - Do our kids have it? - No! I can't understand why you cover up for her.
The whole family gets nits.
It's fucking gross.
Noah Look, I don't want to share a bed with you.
Why don't you go downstairs, and share a bed with your girlfriend? Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Then Olivia could come here and live with you.
Dolly's pregnant! Congratulations.
Suppose you're the father.
Ugggh! Why haven't you got throat cancer? You smoke when you're playing tennis.
There's no pleasure in life worth giving up for two more years in an old people's home.
- Any sign of our actresses? - No.
I'll send you the bill tomorrow.
It's your show.
Own it.
- Doll, we can do this.
- We can't do this.
I mean, you're gonna get vertigo.
You're not going to be able to get on the platform.
You're gonna try and jump into the audience.
I don't know what you're talking about.