Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s01e13 Episode Script

Doogie the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Jingle bell, jingle bell jingle bell rock All right.
You're going to be fine, pal.
Merry Christmas.
Snowin' and rowin' This is the stupidest song in the world.
Next.
One of the patient's mothers made this.
I get the front door.
Hey.
A lot of time went into that.
I got the master bedroom.
What do we got? Take a pick-- Paul Newman, Albert Einstein, darth vader.
Come to the dark side of the force.
Could I have some water? He was wandering l.
A.
X.
No I.
D.
, no shoes.
He must've been mugged.
His head's got a lump.
Run fingerprints.
Maybe dmv will know who he is.
He's got a left hematoma, no external wound.
Luke.
I am your father.
And we'll rule the empire if you tell me how many fingers are up.
Two.
Luke, get father some water.
You can't have water until we run tests.
Let's get him to neurology.
Brrrrr.
Brrrrr.
Brrrrr.
We've got four more people down with the flu, so I need volunteers for tonight.
Mcguire, howser, Cooper And Solomon.
Thank you for volunteering.
No way.
You're kidding.
And don't forget the annual eastman Santa pageant.
All residents-- in costume-- required to participate.
Dr.
canfield.
I do not participate.
I missed my kid's birthday, my anniversary, and Thanksgiving.
Christmas is a tradition in our home.
Christmas Eve is a very important night.
All you can do is fire me.
My wife can kill me.
Trust me, I'd rather be fired.
Anyone else want to leave and betray their colleagues and disappoint the patients, especially the children and the elderly who depend on them? Candy cane? Let's get her to observation.
We lost lord vader.
But all the exits are covered.
You should see his Tracey ullman.
And complaining of pains in his right leg.
Pants him.
On three.
Hook him up to our monitor, get me a blood pressure.
I'll draw some blood.
Call the cardiologist on call.
He's been a patient here before.
Get me his old chart.
His rhythm is regular, and he has some t-wave inversion.
You got my message? You look like hell, and you smell worse.
I've been on duty for 30 hours, plus now I have to stay and hand out presents.
Take a shower.
That'll be a present.
Here's my credit card.
There's a necklace at Crescent's that Wanda wants.
Your own credit card? Tell them it's for Wanda plenn.
You have your own credit card? Here's a letter of authorization so you can use it.
This is every cd you ever wanted, every scalper concert ticket.
This is freedom to do what you want.
I'm going to cry.
Can I depend on you? Yes.
Can I buy something for susie berlutti with it? I didn't think so.
Doog, at least come to Samantha's party tonight.
I can't.
This is a major blowout.
Samantha is friends with guys who know guys in the music business.
I got to work.
Ditch.
How? You're the genius.
Think of something.
We're giving away all those gifts? We'll be stuck here all night, but that's what Christmas is all about.
Douglas, are you all right? Yeah.
What's the special? Tuna casserole.
Doog.
He could've just said he didn't like it.
I'm fine.
I got to get to work.
Don't move.
I'll be right back.
Let's see what we have here.
Let's see.
You're out of here.
No, please.
Let me work.
Doogie, you're flushed and sweating.
Go home to bed.
You're not doing any good by staying.
Go on.
No.
I'll be better.
I'm feeling better already.
Let me stay.
I want to work.
I want to work.
Enough people are sick already.
If you're sick, i don't want you infecting others.
Go home.
O.
K.
Yeah, yeah, when do I get to tell you what I want for Christmas? Nurse, can you see about my reindeer? They were supposed to be here by now? And do you validate? They hired a real dingaling to amuse the kids.
And a wide-screen television, and I want Larry Henderson to break his leg in pe.
And I want you to give my dad his hair back so my mom won't leave him.
And I want any of the girls in the Robert Palmer video.
Well, it looks like there are no broken bones, sport.
Just a sprain.
Hop in.
Merry Christmas.
Ho, ho.
Merry Christmas, young lady.
Is there anything special you want Santa to bring you for Christmas? Well, he doesn't have to look like Mel Gibson, but that would be okay.
He should love children, skiing and szechwan food.
He has to understand nurse's hours.
And can I meet him fast? I don't have a date for new year's.
Piece of cake.
Which reminds me, you're out of cookies.
And which way is the cafeteria? Merry Christmas.
And I got my mom an Ethel merman cd.
She loves show tunes.
I've got rhythm I've got music I've got my man who could ask for anything more [Blowing] Can't get decent lights.
They're made to self-destruct.
How many times has he tried? Once.
So far.
[Groans] Drove all over the city for these.
$20 a string.
Checked each one.
They better work.
I thought you had to work.
Oh, it turned out i didn't.
This year it'll be different.
Katherine, son.
Let's see how she looks.
Good luck, dad.
[Lights sputtering] I better change for the party.
I am not going to get angry.
I'm going to put on my jacket, get into the car, and I'm going to drive to the store where I bought these, and drive through their window.
Katherine: Buckle up.
It's going to be a hot, hot Christmas Come on! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! How about a little kiss for santy claus? How about a little kiss for santy claus, ladies? Come on, i got a mistletoe here.
Ho ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! Ah, Toni Sit on Santa's lap and tell him if you've been naughty or nice.
Ho ho--whoa! We'll be celebrating and spreading some cheer You want some? No, thanks.
Do you want to dance? Maybe later.
Doogie, what's wrong? Nothing.
Everything's great.
I'm happy.
Right.
You've been moping around for an hour.
That's how i express happy.
Are you mad at me? No.
I've just been working too hard.
Sorry.
Doog, you're here! Can we talk in private? No offense, Wanda.
Wanda, would you excuse us for a minute? Did you get it? I put the card down and got the necklace.
What a great country.
Thanks, Vinnie.
How'd you get out? I faked a fever.
Genius! That's great.
Can you teach me how to do it? Just betray your colleagues and lie to them.
Then what? You'll go into a sugar shock.
I need the rush to stay up and party With her.
Mama! He's definitely hyper.
That's it.
What? I got to get back to work.
You just got here.
I know you'll hate me, but I lied to everyone.
I told them I was sick, and now I feel worse.
I got a patient who really needs me.
It's the right thing to do.
It's mature and adult And I hope I never have to do that again.
Notify X-ray.
I want an ap lateral, left leg.
What are you doing here? I'm a lot better.
Go home.
Merry Christmas.
Mom, are there lots of presents under the tree? Jack, did-- did Brian get more than me? O.
K.
Bye.
Jack, did-- Brian is a delinquent.
I am a doctor.
He never remembers mom's birthday.
He never calls Nana mcguire.
I do.
Brian always gets everything.
I hate him.
Did they find the guy the police brought in? He's here, but no one's caught him yet.
If my diagnosis is right, he could lose consciousness.
He could die.
This isn't going to work.
How will I stay awake to hand out presents? Excuse me.
Do you know what time it is? Almost 7:00.
I'm waiting.
My sister hurt her leg skiing.
I took her and my nieces yesterday.
Her leg's still swollen.
You ski? I was an instructor.
Her kids wanted to learn, and, well, I'm a sucker when it comes to kids.
They're the greatest, aren't they? Mm-hmm.
End of a long day? Can't believe the hours you guys keep.
Boy, do I understand how hard it is.
My mother was a nurse.
Curly spaulding.
Mel Gibson.
I know.
It happens all the time.
It's just coincidence.
Tell me, where can a guy get great szechwan, and how would i get you to join me? Ask.
Will you? Yes.
This might be forward.
Good.
I'm sure you're booked for new year's, but would Doctor! What about new year's? This might burn a little.
Go on.
Make my day.
If this kicks in, he should be lucid soon.
Can you tell me who you are? Paul Newman.
What? He told me he's Mel Gibson.
I can't believe i was wrong.
No.
My name ispaul Newman, as in Newman bars, stools, and dinettes.
Oh, god.
What's wrong with me? That's what we're going to find out.
This has been happening for over a week.
We'll run some tests.
Draw simultaneous insulins, proinsulins, and c-peptides.
Order a body ct with 5-millimeter slices through the pancreas.
I've got to call my wife.
She thinks I'm in Chicago.
Your wife? Does this mean our date's off? Ahh.
Yes! Yes.
[Sigh] My turn.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Uhh.
Aah.
Ohh.
Gluing that on, Dr.
canfield? Some kid always tries to pull it off.
It's a miraculous recovery you made, Dr.
howser.
I know it's been a long haul, but we've got a lot of gifts to give out.
We'll start at pediatrics, then go to geriatrics.
If we don't make it to the psychiatric ward, we'll just tell them it's Christmas on Tuesday.
What a way to spend Christmas.
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me an asthmatic in the E.
R.
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me two fatty livers and an asthmatic in the E.
R.
Seven giant colons six small intestines five prolapsed hemorrhoids four gastric ulcers three yellow gallstones two fatty livers and an asthmatic in the E.
R.
Attention all available personnel.
Level one disaster coming into E.
R.
-- a four-car accident.
Let's go, people! Tell ct there's an emergency head coming over.
Put her in observation.
Monitor her.
Take him to the cast room.
Page the ortho technician.
Keep the dressing dry.
Hematoma on the chest wall.
He must have broken ribs.
No breath sounds over here.
His trachea's shifted left.
His right chest isn't moving.
Pulse--110.
We got a tension pneumothorax.
We have to decompress him.
Give me a chest setup, stat.
Get me some local anesthetic! No time.
He'll still need some sedation.
We're going to need to hold him down.
Santa? Don't be afraid.
Breath sounds are equal.
Lung sounds are clear.
Blood pressure's coming back.
His pulse is slowing.
My sister said you're not real.
She's a dip.
I knew you were.
I am Indeed.
[Knock knock] Mr.
Newman.
I may be crazy, but shouldn't your head be on the wall of some lodge? So give me the bad news.
As I suspected, you have an insulinoma.
Something in your pancreas is secreting too much Insulin.
We suspect it's a tumor.
Are we talking cancer? These kind of tumors are almost always benign.
You weren't getting enough sugar to your brain.
That's what caused your behavioral changes.
We're going to have to schedule surgery as soon as possible.
I know this isn't the way you wanted to spend Christmas.
I'm sorry.
Are you kidding? This is the best Christmas I ever had.
For the past 10 days, I've been thinking i was losing my mind and that my life was going to fall apart.
I was scared to death.
Now you're telling me I've got a good shot at recovering.
I left my mom's gift in the locker room, and it's gone.
You see it? Who'd want to take an Ethel merman cd? I've got music I've got rhythm I've got my man who could ask for anything more Uh, nurse, he'll need another 50cc of glucose.
You won't find him around my door hello I have restrung every string, made four trips to the store, spent $180 on Christmas lights, and everything is working.
Doogie, would you plug in the tree for me? Darling, turn down the lights.
Shall we stand back and raise our glasses and toast our tree? Boy, it's past my bedtime.
This is one of those moments when a man needs to be alone.
Wanda! My parents will kill me if they know I'm gone.
My parents will kill me if they find out you're here.
So you're not mad at me? No, I understand.
I didn't want to go back to work.
I think you did the right thing.
Thanks for understanding.
Oh, wait.
Merry Christmas.
Hurry.
Here.
I love it.
How did you know? It's just one of those things.
Oh! This is how I felt when e.
T.
Left.
Vinnie.
You guys look so good when you kiss.
You don't close your eyes when you kiss.
That's very sexy, Wanda.
Vinnie! Look.
I got a Christmas hickey.
Isn't that a zit? I think it's dirt.
You're right.
It's a zit.
It's a hickey! I'll never tell who gave it to me.
Ellen pressman.
Vinnie! Hey, merry Christmas, doog.
Thanks, Vinnie.
On, donner! On, blitzen! On, ViXen! On, guido! Guido? So, do you want your present now or tomorrow? Now.
No.
Tomorrow.
No.
Wait.
Today.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
Because then after I've finished opening presents here, I'll have one more to open with you.
I love presents.
Me, too.
I got to go.
I love the necklace.
I'll see you tomorrow.
I love you, doogie howser.