Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s02e05 Episode Script

Car Wars

No.
Absolutely not.
Dad, just listen.
I said no, Douglas.
And no means no.
But The car? O.
K.
, bring me up to speed.
What came before no? Nothing.
I just showed him the picture.
You got to get this car, doog.
You know how many thousands of eligible females are just waiting to jump into a classic convertible? Don't tell me.
Tell him.
Dr.
howser, did doog tell you about the owner An old lady who only drove to church? Vincent, this is a family discussion.
Should I get Mrs.
howser? Stay out of it.
O.
K.
I'm out of it.
I'm Switzerland.
Neutral.
Douglas, I am not against the idea of you getting a new car.
I saw a Japanese import that would suit you to a "t" Great gas mileage, reliable, cute.
A weeniemobile.
Vincent I'm out.
I'm out.
Dad, Vinnie's right.
This is my first real car.
I don't want to look back and think to myself cute.
I want something cool.
Obviously, you don't understand the appeal of this car.
As a matter of fact, i do understand.
A 1957 Chevy convertible was my first car.
I drove it for 10 years.
Then you know it's reliable.
It was reliable in 1957.
Dad, I'm not entering it at le mans.
I'm driving it to the hospital.
What happens if you're on an emergency and you have a breakdown? A car like this is fine for a feckless senior like Vincent.
I've got as much feck as the next guy.
You are a doctor.
You have responsibilities.
Dad, it's my money.
It's not your money yet.
Until you're 18, I'm still in charge of your funds.
I'm involved.
And my decision is no.
This is great! We got him right where we want him.
What are you talking about? He started and ended with no.
It was a bonanza of nos.
Doog, nobody knows that word better than me.
There are nuances to no i have an ear for.
At first, I thought we were sunk.
Then I saw an opening.
What opening? The key words are, "that was the first car I owned.
" Men have an emotional attachment to their first cars which we are going to ruthlessly exploit.
Trust me, doog.
I know how to play this man like an organ.
This is great, doog! It handles like a dream.
With me pushing it does.
This is like Fred flintstone's car.
Hey, don't knock it.
Fred loved that car, and you're going to love this one, too, as soon as we've done some fine tuning.
I don't know about this.
My dad is going to flip.
Doog Do you remember mitzi? Your psychotic cocker spaniel? Yeah.
I loved that dog.
Every time my old man yelled at me, she'd snap at his knees.
Anyway, I didn't just ask him if I could have a pet.
I brought her home, got her to lick him He couldn't say no.
So we're letting the car lick dad.
Exactly! Be happy, howser.
See the usa in your Chevrolet What's the meaning of this? The meaning is i am not a child anymore.
He hasn't bought it yet.
It's on approval for the weekend.
Did Vincent talk you into this? Dad.
He's got his own mind.
I am 17 years old.
I'm a physician.
Every day at work i make adult decisions, and then you treat me like a kid.
That is exactly how you're behaving, like a spoiled, willful child.
I am sick of you trying to control my life.
I am not trying to control your life.
I know more about this than you do.
Excuse me.
Do you mind if I answer my beeper Sir? Get that heap out of my garage.
I'd really like to do that, Dr.
h.
Unfortunately, we had mechanical troubles, and now I can't seem to get it started.
Why not? I don't exactly know.
See, mechanics isn't my strong suit.
I'm an artistic type.
Uh, uh, uh, uh.
Boy, you are upset, aren't you? I'm referring to the engine.
Did it go uh, uh, uh, uh or click, click, click? Click, click, click.
How did you know? I couldn't afford a mechanic with my car.
Back in those days, it was man against machine.
This smell takes me back.
Looking at that engine is like looking down the corridor of my past.
If only buzz could see me now.
Buzz? Buzz Ballantine, an old friend.
You had a friend called buzz? What's that short for? Buzzard? Nah, his real name was Charles.
We were in college together.
When we graduated, we took one last spree before we put our noses to the grindstone.
We threw sleeping bags in the car and drove cross-country.
Route 66 all the way.
What a great adventure that was.
You Buzz And the old '57 Chevy.
What a combo.
What a car.
Take it easy, man.
Don't come near me.
Calm down.
You o.
K.
Over there? Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's going on here? I was going to take blood, and he freaked.
They said it wouldn't hurt, and it did.
Frank, calm down.
He's not usually like this.
This is Ms.
Willis.
She works at a veterinary hospital with Mr.
murison.
What's wrong with him? You mean, besides being slow? I don't know.
He keeps getting dizzy.
He even passed out.
We tried getting him to the doctor, but he hates going.
Hi, frank.
I'm doogie.
We just want to look.
No needles.
Do you like to play games? No.
I want to go home.
You'd like this game.
I'll make a deal.
We'll take it step by step.
It's called doogie says.
I'll tell you to do something, and if you think it'll hurt at all, you don't have to do it.
Ready? Doogie says put down the tray.
It's o.
K.
To say no.
O.
K.
, you got me.
O.
K.
Doogie says sit down on this bed.
All right.
Since you're new at this, I'll let you take that back.
It's high.
Frank, you're creaming me.
This is an ophthalmoscope.
It shines a light into your eyes.
Doogie says look straight ahead.
It's all right.
You can inspect the equipment.
It's funny.
Where'd you get it? I can't tell you till the game's over.
Doogie says look straight ahead.
That's 3 points.
I'm winning.
The next thing I know, buzz has pulled over and two stunningly beautiful ute Indian women in native garb are climbing into the back seat of the car.
Well, how much garb we talking here, upper garb? Lower garb? Vincent, these people have a lot of ethnic pride.
Dr.
h, I'm Italian.
I know all about ethnic pride.
All right.
Give her a try.
Hey! Dr.
h, you're a mechanical genius.
It's like you and this automobile have this incredible Rapport.
Exactly.
Is this the infamous car? It's beautiful.
What's your problem? I didn't say there was anything wrong with the car, dear.
I bet you look great behind that wheel.
No wonder you had all the girls after you.
I suppose I had a certain rakish charm.
Well, uh It's running.
Guess I better take it back to the little old lady.
Just a second.
I don't want you to get stranded.
This is still a temperamental car.
I don't want this piece of junk cluttering your garage.
Well, I think junk is an exaggeration.
Some people consider this car to be a piece of americana.
Want to climb in, doll face? Yeah, come on, Mrs.
h.
It's a genuine antique.
The car, I mean.
Show me that you love me, too That's it.
Just make yourselves comfortable.
Plenty of room if you want to stretch out.
Won't you kiss me I'll close the door on my way out.
Just a kiss good night maybe you and I will fall in love you and I will fall in love You let him go? How could you? If a patient insists on leaving the hospital against medical advice, we have to discharge him.
The man has a large bleeding colonic mass.
Without surgery, he could die.
I'm aware of that.
So is the patient.
How can he be? Mentally he's a kid.
Hve you met a kid who could conceptualize death? As the psychiatrist on this case, it is my opinion that Mr.
murison's degree of retardation does not preclude his understanding of the risks and benefits of surgery.
He functions independently, he lives alone, holds down a job, and pays bills.
Frank's like I was when I had leukemia.
I would have said no to the treatment, too.
I was 6 years old.
I didn't understand the danger.
All I knew was I was scared and wanted to go home.
Doctor howser, you're absolutely right.
That's a good analogy.
Unfortunately, it doesn't help us.
Our hands are tied.
Well, mine aren't.
Ray, hold up.
Frank, I want to talk to you.
My stomach hurts.
They did things to me, and it hurts.
I'm going back to work.
Easy.
He just wants to talk.
I can't let you walk out of here.
You're sick.
You need this operation.
No operation! Stay away from me! Frank! Frank! Hey.
Hey, what are you I know how to solve the problem, and he won't listen.
How do you reason with a child? First, be sure you're right.
I am.
Be as difficult as they're being.
Never back down, even if it means a screaming match.
And if all else fails, fight dirty.
The ends justify the means.
Is that what you're saying? Mmm.
I guess.
You're taking dad's approach.
I'd like to think I'm a little more enlightened.
I don't know why.
You sound exactly like him.
No, this is completely different.
I'm a physician dealing with a seriously ill patient.
He is a stubborn dictator who reads consumer reports.
Doogie, that's not fair.
- Whoa! - Hey, Dr.
h! You're like the god of mechanics.
For someone with an aversion to antique automobiles, he's sure taking interest in this one.
You know someone who could help you with frank? You're just trying to get us to make up.
Silly me.
Always struggling for family unity.
A minor tune-up, and that car is pur Douglas.
Dad.
Boy, what a lemon.
I'm going to my room.
Putty-tat, putty-tat.
Kitty.
Kitty.
Hey, bobo.
Bye-bye.
Hi, frank.
Remember me? I think we should have a talk about the operation.
You need it.
It's no good trying to run away.
I'm not leaving.
I won't listen.
Frank, I'm talking to you.
I know more about this than you do.
No.
You go home! You're upsetting the animals.
Dr.
caplan will be very mad.
O.
K.
I won't yell anymore.
I have work to do.
How's my baby? Ohh.
Who's this? Caesar.
He's been sick.
He needs medicine.
And you're going to make him better? Yeah.
I love Caesar.
Caesar loves me.
He loves me best.
He doesn't like that much, does he? No.
He hates it.
I have to hold him tight.
What happens if you don't hold him down? He'd run away.
He's very fast.
So why don't you let him go? He needs medicine.
He doesn't understand that, does he? No.
But I do.
I know what's best for him.
And I know what's best for you, frank.
You're scared, just like Caesar.
You wish you could run out.
If I could hold you, i would, but I can't, so listen to me because I know what's best for you.
Am I going to die? Not if you have this operation.
Will you tell Dr.
caplan? We'll both tell him.
Day-o, day-ay-ay-o ah, daylight come, and I want to go home come, Mr.
tallyman, tally me banana Hey, dad.
How's it going? Well, it's not a pretty sight.
This rear seal.
Dad, we need to talk.
Well, I know what you're going to say.
No, I don't think you do.
I think we should take the car back.
What? What? Today I had a lesson in paternal feelings.
For the first time, I started to understand those feelings.
I realize that you're not trying to control my life.
You're trying to do what's best for me.
So let's take it back, get something more sensible.
Oh, man! I see what you mean.
This is a dream car.
The question is, can we live in a dream? Let's give it a shot.
I'll take it back tonight.
Actually, I'll take it back myself.
I promised to take your mother for a spin.
O.
K.
Ever wonder what a lug wrench feels like up your nose? Calm down.
Calm down? Two days.
Two days of route 66 and the saga of buzz Ballantine, and you're telling me to calm down? You're killing me, howser.
Douglas I have something for you.
Last couple of days, I've been thinking about all the fun times I had in my car.
The wonderful memories, all those wonderful memories that nourished me over the years.
I realized you only get to do those things at a certain time in your life.
In your case, that's now.
Dad, are you sure? This isn't the most responsible choice.
No.
No, it isn't.
But if anyone's earned the right to be a little irresponsible, it's you.
I remember once You were about 3.
I had you in my lap on the passenger side of the car, and this truck suddenly pulled out ahead.
I held you so tight, I left little fingermark bruises on you.
Yeah That's the way it is with kids.
You hold them so tight, sometimes you hurt them without meaning to.
Just be patient with me, son.
I'm learning to let go.