Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s02e04 Episode Script

C'est la Vinnie

You better hurry up.
Madame's on her way.
Piece of cake.
Piece of croissant.
You've spelled hotel wrong.
It's the same.
There's a hat on the "o.
" That's sick.
Words should not wear accessories.
French is a beautiful language, Vinnie.
The language of love.
Italian is the language of love.
Italian is the language of Linguini.
Bonjour, mes eleves.
Bonjour, madame feldblum.
Or should we say, "madame bulge"? Il fait Beau aujourd'hui, n'est-ce pas? Asseyez-vous.
I think we all have our letters ready.
You're in Paris.
You're writing home to describe your wonderful trip Or it could be a terrible trip.
It doesn't matter, as long as you're writing in French.
So, who would like to start? Don't all volunteer at once.
Yes, Guillaume.
I took the Liberty of incorporating a trip to versailles.
I hope that's all right.
How do you say "weenie" in French? Did you wish to contribute something, Vincent? Non.
"Mes chers parents.
"J'ai decide aujourd'hui de visiter versailles.
Quel palace! C'etait vraiment formidable!" "J'ai vu l'arc de triomphe.
"J'ai vu la louvre.
"J'ai vu McDonald's.
"C'etait tres interessant.
Amities, Janine.
" Very nice, Janine, though I think you might have ventured off the champs elysees.
I think we have time for just one more.
Monsieur delpino.
"Mon petit chou a la creme.
" Chou a la creme? Yeah.
It was a delicious dessert.
"Je suis fou de toi.
"Tu es si Beau que je ne me fais pas confiance, seul avec toi.
" Yeah, it was a funny trip.
"Je reve de tes forts bras masculins.
Je t'aime, doogie howser.
" "I dream of your strong, masculine arms.
I love you, doogie howser.
" Explanation, Mr.
howser's a very charismatic young man.
You stole this letter from Wanda.
I was doing her a favor.
She was too embarrassed to read it herself, and it was such a moving I'm going to ask you a straight question.
Be honest.
Why did you take this class? My girlfriend's taking it, it's close to my locker, and it's a beeline to the cafeteria.
You chose this class because of its location.
I'd have to say it was a factor.
I don't know what i find more annoying Your laziness or your complete lack of respect for my subject.
Your grade for this semester will be an "f.
" Um, can I change my answer? How's it going, doog? I want you to listen to something.
If it's the rap album with naked butts, I've heard it.
Great cover, questionable lyrics.
Bonjour, zis ees Wanda.
I'm dreaming of your strong, masculine arms, you little honeybunch, you! Mmm-mmm-mmm! Kids are cruel.
Vinnie, do you realize you've completely humiliated me and Wanda? I disagree.
I think this paints you in a very flattering romantic light.
Who's going to say you're a stuffy overachiever now? In fact, I think you should thank me.
I've been getting calls, and Wanda won't come out of her room because you were too lazy to do your French homework.
Who cares about French? Why waste time with some language that sounds like you're choking when you speak it? You want to make movies, don't you? Yeah, but not in French Unless I cast Isabel adjani, in which case a few phrases may come in handy, like, "let me brush that sand off your bathing suit.
" Don't be an idiot.
You need a language to get into college.
I got Italian.
You only know swear words in Italian.
What else do you need? Fine.
Put that on your resume "fluent in latinic obscenities.
" Wait a minute.
You serious? I got to have a foreign lingo for film school? My teacher just doomed me to an "f.
" What will I do? You can do some work.
That's great.
You crawled out of the womb reciting algorithms.
What's that supposed to mean? You never realize how hard it is for someone with regular brain cells.
You always get applause.
I can't open a book without your genius shadow looming over me.
So now it's me? You're incredible.
In any situation, you can always find a reason for why it's not your fault.
It's not.
You're not a serious person.
Sometimes I have a hard time understanding why we're friends.
You're breaking up with me, is that what you're saying? I'm saying i don't find you funny anymore.
I'm going to see Wanda.
You think you're the only genius with Lakers season tickets? Stop where you are, madame! I'm here to make you a presentation My extra-credit project, les fromages de la belle France.
I went to three different supermarkets to assemble this.
We got camembert, brie, roquefort.
Dutch edam? It was on special.
Excuse me.
I have to go.
Come on, madame feldblum.
I put a lot of work into this.
Does "too little too late" mean anything to you? I'm making an effort.
Cheese on cardboard isn't going to cut it.
You have to want to learn.
I'll take extra classes.
I offered you extra help.
You said your grandfather was on a life-support machine.
It was just indigestion.
Look Madame I don't think you appreciate how much trouble i have with French.
I got a block with languages.
I try saying "je m'apelle Vincent," and my hands start to sweat.
My eyeballs are popping.
I'm like Arnold Schwarzenegger on Mars.
Everyone feels that way when they speak a foreign language.
Look at Ohh! This elevator! Janine doesn't have a flair for languages, but she tries! I'm not Janine.
If anything, you have more talent, more flair, more curiosity.
You have no idea, Vincent, how frustrating it is to see a gifted student resolutely squandering his Hiccups? Ohh! Contraction? When are you, um, you know Two weeks.
Bags of time.
Why don't you finish what you were saying about me being talented? We were making progress.
Ohh! Ohh! Don't do that, madame.
This isn't the time or place.
You'd better call security.
I'm on it.
, it's ringing.
Don't panic.
Even if you're in labor, you could be days away from delivery.
Since when did you become such an expert on labor? Doogie howser.
You two often sit around discussing childbirth? No.
We sit around discussing sex.
Childbirth always seems to follow.
Hello? Yeah.
We're stuck.
Yes, it's delpino, and, no, I didn't do anything! It just stopped like it always does.
Ohh! Hurry up, will you? While you're at it, put me through to 555-9980.
Oh, come on! Even in jail, they give you one call! Then he blames me.
Says I give him a complex.
Well, i see his point.
Should I act as stupid as he does so he'll feel better? I'm just saying that you should make allowances.
You're a tough act to follow.
howser, it's Vinnie.
Hello, Vinnie.
Is doogie there? Uh, no.
He's not in.
I mean, he's in, but he's busy.
I know you're there, howser! Get on the phone.
This is an emergency! You better take it.
He sounds desperate.
He always sounds desperate.
What? I'm stuck in an elevator with a pregnant woman who's going into labor.
You've got to tell me what to do.
How far apart are the contractions? They're not far enough apart for me! Don't worry about contractions.
Just stay calm.
You've got time until her water breaks.
I I'm soaked.
What is it? Either she had a six-pack for lunch or her water just broke.
What's happening now? There's some groaning, some sweating, and some weakness in the knees.
Otherwise, I'm o.
Actually, doog, I'm really ared-scay.
Huh? Ared-scay, oog-day.
I'm eak-fraying out.
Slow, Vinnie.
My pig Latin's a little rusty.
She's aving-hay the aby-bay.
Calm down.
I'll send an ambulance.
Talk to him.
So, Vinnie How's school? I'll get back to you on that one.
Absolutely nothing to worry about.
I feel very confident.
Help is on its way.
Um Want some cheese while we wait? O.
I thought You had a problem with foreign languages.
Huh? I eak-spay ig-pay atin-lay.
Do I get an extra credit? A joke.
Oh Sorry.
I make jokes when I get nervous.
You should have seen me at my confirmation.
Had the priest in hysterics.
What are you doing? Well, I was reading in the enquirer How, in certain moments of crisis Some people develop the Superhuman powers of Strength! Doogie, thank goodness you're here.
Some guy's trapped with the French teacher.
She's going into labor.
It's Vinnie.
What's Vinnie? The guy in the elevator.
He can't even watch when Bambi's being born.
I'm in the hallway on the second floor.
The paramedics are on their way.
The firemen and mechanics are on the roof.
We've established where everyone is.
Now get us out.
Have you been timing the contractions? She's been screaming about every half-minute.
Feel for what? Whose head? Doog, i can't do that.
She's my French teacher.
He wants you to feel for its head.
There they are.
We'll need oxygen, blankets, and the isolette.
Just stay calm, Vinnie.
We're going to have this elevator working.
You're not going to have to deliver this baby.
Sit tight.
The motor's shorted out.
We're going to have to take it apart.
How long? Could be half hour, could be tomorrow.
Vinnie, just to be on the safe side, I'm going to run through some childbirth procedures.
You said I wasn't going to have to do this.
Now I'm saying you might.
Aah! Aah! Aah! I am never having kids.
All right.
Now, Vinnie, listen.
Wrap something clean around your hands.
The baby's going to be slippery.
I don't want you dropping it.
I can't do this.
Yes, you can.
I'm not a serious person.
This is a serious situation, so get me out! Remember when i was sick? You were brave enough to visit.
You weren't scared.
I was 8.
I didn't know a hospital from Disneyland! We've been through a lot.
We'll get through this.
I have faith in you.
Um, look, uh Madame feldblum, there's a very outside chance I'm going to have to deliver your baby.
What, you think I've never done this before? I was just thinking of how it was supposed to be The doctor meeting me at the hospital, my husband holding my hand.
Oh, well, I'm sorry.
This ain't exactly been a great week for me, either.
Two months of lamaze classes, and I'm having my baby in an elevator With my worst French student! I thought i was going to go to film school.
I was going to make something of my life.
Ehh! Ohh! What is it? Ohh! I feel something.
Aah! Doog, we got a head! The next time she breathes, tell her to sustain it for as long as she can, push hard, then relax and do it again.
Push, madame! Push like crazy! I can't! You're a tough lady.
I've seen you in action.
I'm not ready! I want my husband! I'll make a commitment to learn French if you make a commitment to have this baby.
Push once For me? If you don't like it, i won't ask again.
Aah! That's it! You're doing fine! Aah! His head's all the way out! Remind her to breathe.
She's breathing.
Tell her to exhale, take short breaths like Debbie does Dallas.
Oh, right! Breathe, madame, like this.
Here comes the rest.
He's got arms and everything.
I got him.
I got him.
It's a baby.
Now gently stick your finger in his mouth and clear away the mucus.
Doog, he ain't got no genitals! It's a girl, vin.
Madame, it's a girl! Congratulations! All right.
Start an I.
Here we go.
Let's get her up on the gurney.
Ma'am, just lean back.
Thank you.
Just relax.
, you got her? Yeah.
Oh, look at the baby! Oh, how cute! Hold me.
This your first? Yeah.
Me, too.
Your wife? Actually, my French teacher.
, vin.
Madame feldblum's ready for you.
Not bad for your first child.
You may have a job in obstetrics.
Next time I use the word "labor," I want to be talking about teamsters.
Am I funny again? Yeah, you're funny again.
Doog, I owe you and Wanda an apology.
I really was a jerk.
And, uh, thanks for getting me through it.
Thanks for believing in me.
Waah! Doog, let's never break up again! Get in there.
Is that the kid? Shh! Oh, she cleans up good! What's her name? Danielle.
I guess Vincent was too much to hope for.
Well, I kept my part of the bargain.
Are you going to keep yours? Oh, yeah.
What did I promise? I was a little panicked.
We'll start the extra lessons as soon as I'm up.
Three one-hour sessions a week.
I want to pass.
I don't want to be Gerard Depardieu.
Je me suis trompe sur toi, Vincent.
Tu as beaucoup plus de caractere que je pensais.
That sounded like a compliment.
Are you going to translate? No.
No, you are.
In about a month.
The baby business has taken its toll with Vinnie.
He did a great job.
I don't think I'll ever get over the miracle of birth.
It must be so magical to watch your own child being born.
Magical? It's terrible.
At least it was with you.
They were going to do a c-section, changed their minds.
You came out with a pointy head.
Your mother burst into tears.
You're making that up.
Why do you think you're an only child? Good night, son.
Good night, dad.