Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s02e03 Episode Script
Ask Dr. Doogie
Dr.
howser, something unique and rather youthful happened to me this morning.
I don't think i want to hear this.
Douglas, do you ever watch the music channel? Yeah.
Sometimes.
It's pretty popular.
Terrific.
Their program director called me and proposed an interesting idea that involves you.
What? They want to capitalize on your age and position.
In fact, they're of the opinion that your voice, through public service health spots, could reach their young viewers.
I'm no good in front of cameras.
You should see my driver's license picture.
This is an opportunity through the media to touch the lives of millions of youngsters, educate them about their bodies.
The serious health problems we face today.
Plus the publicity for eastman.
Gosh, I hadn't thought about that.
But give it some thought.
They're awfully excited and ready to Rock 'n' roll, shall we say? Second floor nursing manager to admitting.
Second floor nursing manager to admitting.
This is aces, man.
Why are you even thinking about it? Kicking it on the music channel.
It'll be like Thanksgiving.
I'm a professional.
My job's here.
O.
K.
, o.
K.
Let's intelligently weigh the options.
On the one hand, you're surrounded by hemorrhaging open wounds.
On the other, you're hanging with babes wearing iron bras.
There's no need to go to jury on this.
The timing couldn't be better.
Every woman in music has a visible navel.
I've never heard of anything that has absolutely no down side, but before you make up your mind, let me drop this Say you feel a new lump in a sensitive spot and you're feeling like a chump 'cause it itches a lot just ask doctor doogie ask doctor doogie you say your girl's a little late you're kind of scared don't know your fate just ask doctor doogie ask doctor doogie feeling like the pits 'cause your face is full of zits your head's in the sink too much to drink just ask doctor doogie ask doctor doogie got a spot on your head and it's turning bright red and your heart ain't beatin' like a thoroughbred when you got no clue there's nothing left to do but ask doctor doogie ask doctor doogie ask doctor doogie ask doctor doogie ask doctor doogie There you go.
Sorry about that corner.
Next time, we'll get you one with four-wheel drive.
See you.
Cheer up.
Everything's going to be fine once we locate a marrow donor.
Right.
Whenever that is.
Hey, hold on here.
Your hla type is filed in a national registry.
You said the odds were on the long side.
But you've got a better chance than these guys do of going to the world series.
They shouldn't have traded guerrero.
Personally, I think belcher's a stopper, not a starter.
There's a great kid in Albuquerque they could get.
There's always next year.
There's the attitude.
Hang in there, slugger.
We'll beat this thing.
Oh, I almost forgot.
I've got a friend at centinela.
I got this for you.
Orel hershiser's rotator cuff.
God, thanks, Dr.
howser.
Don't worry, Candace.
We've got plenty of relief in the bull pen.
Dr.
Barry, call the pharmacy.
What are you trying to, figure out the lottery? I've got to match up six numbers of a marrow type to save a girl's life.
So far, four numbers is the best I've got.
So what about the script? Can you believe that crap? This is truly bitchen stuff.
You liked it? Absolutely righteous.
You've got to do it.
I already said yes.
Canfield and the board are doing cartwheels.
There wasn't another acceptable answer.
Cool.
Yeah.
We'll see how cool.
This is so excellent.
My parents are away for the whole weekend.
Janet will be over at 7:00.
You go get Stacey and Lisa.
Now, there's two bedrooms upstairs, and this folds into a bed.
It's going to be lounge city.
So get moving.
Come on, dudes.
What's the matter? There's no reason not to do this.
Doctor doogie! Here's a reason.
Whoa! How'd you like to spend nine months like that? You know, you don't have to do it, but if you're going to, be safe, be responsible.
The condom Don't leave your pants without it.
Ask doctor doogie.
Second spot.
Come on, honey, have one more.
I think we've had too much.
It's not hard stuff.
It's only beer.
Only beer, huh? Oh, no.
It's doctor doogie.
Don't be blowing smoke.
There's as much alcohol in one beer as in one mixed drink or glass of the grape.
I didn't know that.
You might not know this either.
Alcohol affects your heart rate.
It lowers your resistance to bacteria, and Each glass is about and it has been known to cause impotence.
You don't drink and drive, but take it one step farther.
Don't drink And live.
Cut.
Print.
Perfect.
That was good.
Fabulomundo! Bravo! That was outstanding, doogie.
You're not actually going to air these, are you? Sure.
You were great.
You're doing some terrific work.
We're going to air these all right.
We'll air them a lot.
Janet! Sweetheart! It's him.
Oh! Fame makes a man take things over fame makes him loose, hard to swallow fame puts you there where things are hollow fame fame it's not your brain, it's just a flame that puts you, tries to keep you the same fame fame fame fame fame once you get there's no tomorrow fame fame what you need you have to borrow fame fame lying is fine it's just his line to find you've just committed a crime I've heard you want to break into filmmaking.
Kind of.
No.
Yeah.
Some people Is it any wonder I'll reject you first fame, fame fame, fame is it any wonder you're too cool to fool fame Oh! Aah! Fame chili for me got to get it on fame fame From this angle, you look like the mother in psycho.
Shut up.
Get me to the second floor.
Look, I've examined you, and there's nothing wrong with you.
We want a second opinion From doctor doogie.
Get me out of here.
From doctor doogie.
He's your second opinion.
You're airheads.
Now take a hike.
Howser! That's you, isn't it? Yes, sir, it is.
We'd better talk.
I don't understand the problem.
You don't understand the problem.
You're in a dress and a bad wig, and you don't understand the problem? You created this thing, Dr.
canfield.
True.
But now I guess I'm asking you to pull the plug.
None of us realized what was going to happen.
We were media stupid.
I mean, it must be a nightmare having to disguise yourself to gain access to the hospital.
At first i didn't like it, but I'm reaching kids across the country.
Wait a minute.
Is it because you're reaching kids, or is it your own ego? Maybe it is, but I'm really getting into it.
If you don't get out of it, you can't continue being a doctor.
You're going to have to make a choice.
Douglas, please, stop this runaway train before it's too late.
Kill doctor doogie now.
I don't know if I can or if I want to.
Maybe you should take a short leave of absence And think about it.
Yeah.
Maybe.
How's it going, doctor doogie? Hi, slugger.
All my friends can't believe you're treating me.
You're a big hit.
Yeah, well, this whole doctor doogie thing has taken up too much time, so I won't be around for a while.
What? Don't worry.
I'll still be linked up through my home computer, monitoring the search the whole way.
Everything's going to be o.
K.
Promise? I promise.
Get some sleep.
You wouldn't come to this alley to see your doctor.
And this is no drugstore.
So remember, if it ain't prescribed, it ain't imbibed.
Cut! Everybody's on a 15.
Nah.
No personal manager should be without one of these gizmos.
Why do you even bother me with this stuff? It's wrong for his image.
Can you believe that? He wanted you to be a judge at the miss garlic festival.
What's the schedule, vin? Tomorrow morning you've got to speak to some school kids.
Tomorrow night, the music awards.
Major event.
The car comes at 5:00.
Do we need the limo with the jacuzzi? Check.
No jacuz'.
Well, tonight you're looking clear.
I can relax.
Hi, Connie.
Dr.
howser.
Any new numbers in for Candace? Great.
Could you fax them to my house? Ahem.
Thanks.
I've been holding this Williams guy off for days.
You've got to talk to him.
Doctor doogie, megastar extraordinaire, Jack Williams Advertising.
Doctor doogie.
I've got some endorsement items to go over with you.
First of all, the earrings.
Huh? And The stethoscope.
A plastic version, from the original, of course.
Tested through the roof in all the regional areas.
And the t-shirt.
I've got three different colors And logos for you to choose from.
Huh? Isn't this a bit much? Maybe I'd better show you some projected sales figures my staff has come up with.
Now, uh, that's just in the western states.
Let's go with fluorescent yellow.
The man has taste.
We're late for the tiger beat photo session.
Hey, hey.
Nice shoes.
You like the kicks? They're my air astaires.
They're definitely def.
Thanks.
Listen It's going to be you and Whitney Houston handing out the best female award.
Best female what? Who cares? You'll be next to the best female.
The award is secondary, man.
If you're smart, you won't stare at the statuette.
Vincent, I have a feeling you're happening.
Dr.
canfield called to ask how you're doing.
What did you say? I don't know.
How are you? I'm o.
K.
Everything's going to be fine.
I'm going to hop in the shower.
Want to lose the ball and chain and come with us to this righteous gig? What? I guess maybe not.
Doog, doog.
You all right? Yeah, yeah.
It's just I don't know.
It's everything.
Party after party, promotions, functions, public appearances.
I'm worn out.
Take it easy.
Ride the wave till it turns to white water on the beach of life.
I'm just wondering if we should open doogieland in California or Florida.
Hey, what's going on? God, who are you? Ahem.
Vinnie! Call the cops.
No, please don't call the police.
I just wanted a picture.
It's a good one.
How'd you get in? Did you know you can climb right up that tree? Get out the way you came.
O.
K.
, o.
K.
I love you.
Well, that's pretty scary.
She could have been nuts.
She could have done anything.
No kidding, it was scary.
I saw the flash.
I thought you got hit by lightning.
Come on.
This is serious.
It's getting to be too much.
You're a star, man.
This comes with the territory.
I don't think I like the territory.
I have no free time.
People in my shower.
It stinks! Well, it's too big.
You can't do anything about it.
I created this.
I can uncreate it.
Fun in the sun.
Sometimes fun and sun don't mix.
"This is the lentigo melanoma.
"It's a cutaneous malignant melanoma "found most often "on sun-exposed areas of the skin, "especially the face.
"It begins as a circumscribed macular patch "of mottled pigmentation "showing shades of dark brown, tan, or black, "and enlarges by lateral growth before dermal invasion occurs.
" Cut! What the hell was that? Just a few changes? You're killing me here, babe.
I want a different direction, the character to grow into something substantial.
Trust me on this, babe.
Look, kid, fame is fleeting, and yours is about to fleet.
Babe, babe, you're overlooking something.
I have creative control, so, let's get to that spot on head lice, shall we? "The true lice, which infect mammals, "belong to the order anoplura.
"Species parasitic upon man "are pediculous humanus capitis, the head louse.
" "The casual organisms of typhus, "relapsing fever, and trench fever are transmitted by the bite of lice.
" This is Douglas howser from eastman medical center wishing you and your family a very happy day.
Fame Mmph.
Fame, fame, fame, fame fame, fame Yes.
Fame, fame, fame fame fame, fame, fame fame fame, fame, fame fame, fame, fame fame Working a little late tonight.
Oh, hi, Dr.
canfield.
Yeah.
Putting in some extra hours.
How's doctor doogie? Huh.
It's a done deal.
They said they'd get back to me.
I rather liked your spot on hammertoes.
Was it fun while it lasted? At first, and then it got a little nuts.
I couldn't open my door without someone running at me.
Girls hiding in my shower.
Sounds like it was fun while it lasted.
On the outside, but not on the inside.
Well, it's good to have you back Dr.
douglashowser.
I like the sound of that.
Whoa! I found it! What? Candace.
I got it.
Holy smokes! I got to go.
We did it, Candace.
All six numbers.
We got the donor.
Didn't you used to be doctor doogie? In a former life.
Just wanted to say good night, son.
Dad, wait.
When I took my little leave of absence, how come you and mom never Never came down on me about it? Well At first we wanted to, and then we thought it over, and we decided it was best that you discover for yourself where you really belong, and you did.
Sometimes you guys are hard to figure.
These things actually work.
I tried it on myself today.
I think I'll keep it as a memento of my 15 minutes of fame.
I think there's a few more minutes left in you.
Will you miss that excitement? Not as much as the excitement of being a real doctor.
Good night, son.
Good night, dad.
howser, something unique and rather youthful happened to me this morning.
I don't think i want to hear this.
Douglas, do you ever watch the music channel? Yeah.
Sometimes.
It's pretty popular.
Terrific.
Their program director called me and proposed an interesting idea that involves you.
What? They want to capitalize on your age and position.
In fact, they're of the opinion that your voice, through public service health spots, could reach their young viewers.
I'm no good in front of cameras.
You should see my driver's license picture.
This is an opportunity through the media to touch the lives of millions of youngsters, educate them about their bodies.
The serious health problems we face today.
Plus the publicity for eastman.
Gosh, I hadn't thought about that.
But give it some thought.
They're awfully excited and ready to Rock 'n' roll, shall we say? Second floor nursing manager to admitting.
Second floor nursing manager to admitting.
This is aces, man.
Why are you even thinking about it? Kicking it on the music channel.
It'll be like Thanksgiving.
I'm a professional.
My job's here.
O.
K.
, o.
K.
Let's intelligently weigh the options.
On the one hand, you're surrounded by hemorrhaging open wounds.
On the other, you're hanging with babes wearing iron bras.
There's no need to go to jury on this.
The timing couldn't be better.
Every woman in music has a visible navel.
I've never heard of anything that has absolutely no down side, but before you make up your mind, let me drop this Say you feel a new lump in a sensitive spot and you're feeling like a chump 'cause it itches a lot just ask doctor doogie ask doctor doogie you say your girl's a little late you're kind of scared don't know your fate just ask doctor doogie ask doctor doogie feeling like the pits 'cause your face is full of zits your head's in the sink too much to drink just ask doctor doogie ask doctor doogie got a spot on your head and it's turning bright red and your heart ain't beatin' like a thoroughbred when you got no clue there's nothing left to do but ask doctor doogie ask doctor doogie ask doctor doogie ask doctor doogie ask doctor doogie There you go.
Sorry about that corner.
Next time, we'll get you one with four-wheel drive.
See you.
Cheer up.
Everything's going to be fine once we locate a marrow donor.
Right.
Whenever that is.
Hey, hold on here.
Your hla type is filed in a national registry.
You said the odds were on the long side.
But you've got a better chance than these guys do of going to the world series.
They shouldn't have traded guerrero.
Personally, I think belcher's a stopper, not a starter.
There's a great kid in Albuquerque they could get.
There's always next year.
There's the attitude.
Hang in there, slugger.
We'll beat this thing.
Oh, I almost forgot.
I've got a friend at centinela.
I got this for you.
Orel hershiser's rotator cuff.
God, thanks, Dr.
howser.
Don't worry, Candace.
We've got plenty of relief in the bull pen.
Dr.
Barry, call the pharmacy.
What are you trying to, figure out the lottery? I've got to match up six numbers of a marrow type to save a girl's life.
So far, four numbers is the best I've got.
So what about the script? Can you believe that crap? This is truly bitchen stuff.
You liked it? Absolutely righteous.
You've got to do it.
I already said yes.
Canfield and the board are doing cartwheels.
There wasn't another acceptable answer.
Cool.
Yeah.
We'll see how cool.
This is so excellent.
My parents are away for the whole weekend.
Janet will be over at 7:00.
You go get Stacey and Lisa.
Now, there's two bedrooms upstairs, and this folds into a bed.
It's going to be lounge city.
So get moving.
Come on, dudes.
What's the matter? There's no reason not to do this.
Doctor doogie! Here's a reason.
Whoa! How'd you like to spend nine months like that? You know, you don't have to do it, but if you're going to, be safe, be responsible.
The condom Don't leave your pants without it.
Ask doctor doogie.
Second spot.
Come on, honey, have one more.
I think we've had too much.
It's not hard stuff.
It's only beer.
Only beer, huh? Oh, no.
It's doctor doogie.
Don't be blowing smoke.
There's as much alcohol in one beer as in one mixed drink or glass of the grape.
I didn't know that.
You might not know this either.
Alcohol affects your heart rate.
It lowers your resistance to bacteria, and Each glass is about and it has been known to cause impotence.
You don't drink and drive, but take it one step farther.
Don't drink And live.
Cut.
Print.
Perfect.
That was good.
Fabulomundo! Bravo! That was outstanding, doogie.
You're not actually going to air these, are you? Sure.
You were great.
You're doing some terrific work.
We're going to air these all right.
We'll air them a lot.
Janet! Sweetheart! It's him.
Oh! Fame makes a man take things over fame makes him loose, hard to swallow fame puts you there where things are hollow fame fame it's not your brain, it's just a flame that puts you, tries to keep you the same fame fame fame fame fame once you get there's no tomorrow fame fame what you need you have to borrow fame fame lying is fine it's just his line to find you've just committed a crime I've heard you want to break into filmmaking.
Kind of.
No.
Yeah.
Some people Is it any wonder I'll reject you first fame, fame fame, fame is it any wonder you're too cool to fool fame Oh! Aah! Fame chili for me got to get it on fame fame From this angle, you look like the mother in psycho.
Shut up.
Get me to the second floor.
Look, I've examined you, and there's nothing wrong with you.
We want a second opinion From doctor doogie.
Get me out of here.
From doctor doogie.
He's your second opinion.
You're airheads.
Now take a hike.
Howser! That's you, isn't it? Yes, sir, it is.
We'd better talk.
I don't understand the problem.
You don't understand the problem.
You're in a dress and a bad wig, and you don't understand the problem? You created this thing, Dr.
canfield.
True.
But now I guess I'm asking you to pull the plug.
None of us realized what was going to happen.
We were media stupid.
I mean, it must be a nightmare having to disguise yourself to gain access to the hospital.
At first i didn't like it, but I'm reaching kids across the country.
Wait a minute.
Is it because you're reaching kids, or is it your own ego? Maybe it is, but I'm really getting into it.
If you don't get out of it, you can't continue being a doctor.
You're going to have to make a choice.
Douglas, please, stop this runaway train before it's too late.
Kill doctor doogie now.
I don't know if I can or if I want to.
Maybe you should take a short leave of absence And think about it.
Yeah.
Maybe.
How's it going, doctor doogie? Hi, slugger.
All my friends can't believe you're treating me.
You're a big hit.
Yeah, well, this whole doctor doogie thing has taken up too much time, so I won't be around for a while.
What? Don't worry.
I'll still be linked up through my home computer, monitoring the search the whole way.
Everything's going to be o.
K.
Promise? I promise.
Get some sleep.
You wouldn't come to this alley to see your doctor.
And this is no drugstore.
So remember, if it ain't prescribed, it ain't imbibed.
Cut! Everybody's on a 15.
Nah.
No personal manager should be without one of these gizmos.
Why do you even bother me with this stuff? It's wrong for his image.
Can you believe that? He wanted you to be a judge at the miss garlic festival.
What's the schedule, vin? Tomorrow morning you've got to speak to some school kids.
Tomorrow night, the music awards.
Major event.
The car comes at 5:00.
Do we need the limo with the jacuzzi? Check.
No jacuz'.
Well, tonight you're looking clear.
I can relax.
Hi, Connie.
Dr.
howser.
Any new numbers in for Candace? Great.
Could you fax them to my house? Ahem.
Thanks.
I've been holding this Williams guy off for days.
You've got to talk to him.
Doctor doogie, megastar extraordinaire, Jack Williams Advertising.
Doctor doogie.
I've got some endorsement items to go over with you.
First of all, the earrings.
Huh? And The stethoscope.
A plastic version, from the original, of course.
Tested through the roof in all the regional areas.
And the t-shirt.
I've got three different colors And logos for you to choose from.
Huh? Isn't this a bit much? Maybe I'd better show you some projected sales figures my staff has come up with.
Now, uh, that's just in the western states.
Let's go with fluorescent yellow.
The man has taste.
We're late for the tiger beat photo session.
Hey, hey.
Nice shoes.
You like the kicks? They're my air astaires.
They're definitely def.
Thanks.
Listen It's going to be you and Whitney Houston handing out the best female award.
Best female what? Who cares? You'll be next to the best female.
The award is secondary, man.
If you're smart, you won't stare at the statuette.
Vincent, I have a feeling you're happening.
Dr.
canfield called to ask how you're doing.
What did you say? I don't know.
How are you? I'm o.
K.
Everything's going to be fine.
I'm going to hop in the shower.
Want to lose the ball and chain and come with us to this righteous gig? What? I guess maybe not.
Doog, doog.
You all right? Yeah, yeah.
It's just I don't know.
It's everything.
Party after party, promotions, functions, public appearances.
I'm worn out.
Take it easy.
Ride the wave till it turns to white water on the beach of life.
I'm just wondering if we should open doogieland in California or Florida.
Hey, what's going on? God, who are you? Ahem.
Vinnie! Call the cops.
No, please don't call the police.
I just wanted a picture.
It's a good one.
How'd you get in? Did you know you can climb right up that tree? Get out the way you came.
O.
K.
, o.
K.
I love you.
Well, that's pretty scary.
She could have been nuts.
She could have done anything.
No kidding, it was scary.
I saw the flash.
I thought you got hit by lightning.
Come on.
This is serious.
It's getting to be too much.
You're a star, man.
This comes with the territory.
I don't think I like the territory.
I have no free time.
People in my shower.
It stinks! Well, it's too big.
You can't do anything about it.
I created this.
I can uncreate it.
Fun in the sun.
Sometimes fun and sun don't mix.
"This is the lentigo melanoma.
"It's a cutaneous malignant melanoma "found most often "on sun-exposed areas of the skin, "especially the face.
"It begins as a circumscribed macular patch "of mottled pigmentation "showing shades of dark brown, tan, or black, "and enlarges by lateral growth before dermal invasion occurs.
" Cut! What the hell was that? Just a few changes? You're killing me here, babe.
I want a different direction, the character to grow into something substantial.
Trust me on this, babe.
Look, kid, fame is fleeting, and yours is about to fleet.
Babe, babe, you're overlooking something.
I have creative control, so, let's get to that spot on head lice, shall we? "The true lice, which infect mammals, "belong to the order anoplura.
"Species parasitic upon man "are pediculous humanus capitis, the head louse.
" "The casual organisms of typhus, "relapsing fever, and trench fever are transmitted by the bite of lice.
" This is Douglas howser from eastman medical center wishing you and your family a very happy day.
Fame Mmph.
Fame, fame, fame, fame fame, fame Yes.
Fame, fame, fame fame fame, fame, fame fame fame, fame, fame fame, fame, fame fame Working a little late tonight.
Oh, hi, Dr.
canfield.
Yeah.
Putting in some extra hours.
How's doctor doogie? Huh.
It's a done deal.
They said they'd get back to me.
I rather liked your spot on hammertoes.
Was it fun while it lasted? At first, and then it got a little nuts.
I couldn't open my door without someone running at me.
Girls hiding in my shower.
Sounds like it was fun while it lasted.
On the outside, but not on the inside.
Well, it's good to have you back Dr.
douglashowser.
I like the sound of that.
Whoa! I found it! What? Candace.
I got it.
Holy smokes! I got to go.
We did it, Candace.
All six numbers.
We got the donor.
Didn't you used to be doctor doogie? In a former life.
Just wanted to say good night, son.
Dad, wait.
When I took my little leave of absence, how come you and mom never Never came down on me about it? Well At first we wanted to, and then we thought it over, and we decided it was best that you discover for yourself where you really belong, and you did.
Sometimes you guys are hard to figure.
These things actually work.
I tried it on myself today.
I think I'll keep it as a memento of my 15 minutes of fame.
I think there's a few more minutes left in you.
Will you miss that excitement? Not as much as the excitement of being a real doctor.
Good night, son.
Good night, dad.