Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s02e09 Episode Script
Nautilus for Naught
It's not that big.
It looks that big from here.
You're exaggerating it.
He doesn't even look human.
I'm not as talented as you are, Wanda.
You've spent 20 minutes working on that nose.
I'm scared to move on.
Janine, this is art.
It's a balance of form and texture.
I'm looking at a naked man.
You wanted to take a life drawing class.
I just wanted a look, not stand across from him for 35 minutes.
How you girls getting on? That's very good, Wanda.
Although, I think you've been a little overly generous with the proportions of the chest muscles.
Well, Janine, that's an interesting proboscis.
It's supposed to be a nose.
Perfect.
The cook, the thief, his wife and her lover.
I'm not in the mood for disembowelment.
How about Helen mirren topless? Could you stomach that? Oh, my god.
Oh, that is disgusting.
Psst.
Oh, get Away.
I think we'll call it a day.
Thank you very much, Greg.
Nice work, Wanda.
Thanks, but it was your body.
Excuse me.
I could have taken him.
I just wish you would have told us.
I mean, when you said still life, I was thinking bowls of fruit.
I'm going to throw up.
Now you're with Mr.
nude America.
Last week we drew a female nude.
Oh, yeah? Where's that? That's a herring.
It's not finished yet.
You look at naked women.
That is different.
The female body is a thing of majestic beauty.
Men are disgusting.
No.
Greg's body is beautifully proportioned.
Greg? Yeah.
He has a name.
Do you have to call him by it? He's not just a body.
He's smart.
He's applying to the Chicago art institute.
Isn't that where you're going? It's on my list.
This kind of emotional turmoil makes me hungry.
Let's go get a pizza.
O.
K.
, I'll go, but I'm on a special diet.
I brought my own lunch.
What? I'm having a teriyaki-flavored rice cake and dolphin-safe tuna.
It helps build muscle.
You should try it.
Are you saying i should build muscle? No.
But since studying art, I've started to appreciate the human form.
Look at Michelangelo's David.
That's a glorious celebration of the male physique.
Nobody looks like that in real life.
Doogie, you obviously know nothing about the human body.
The patient is a 23-year-old model named Sasha Larkin.
Face like an angel.
Unfortunately, a voice like Morton downey, Jr.
Acute laryngitis.
She's been chosen spokesperson for carmiche perfume.
Company wants a diagnosis before signing the contract.
Have you ever had laryngitis before? Have you recently had a cold, respiratory problems? I'm fine.
I just can't talk.
Well, you look wonderful.
What about food? Does it go down all right? No choking or indigestion? Do you smoke? Are you kidding? With skin like that? Pretty straightforward case, wouldn't you say, gentlemen? Bulimia.
Hoarseness, swollen parotid and sublingual glands, discoloration and erosions on her front teeth.
The fingers.
What about them? Scarring on the dorsum of the right hand from the teeth and stomach acids.
Very astute.
I'll wait for the blood tests, but she's got an eating disorder.
We're collecting menus for this ward.
Can Sasha Larkin eat tonight? Light dinner.
She has more tests tomorrow.
Dr.
howser.
Just the young bachelor I was looking for.
If this is about that bachelor auction You were too young last year.
Now that you're on the verge of manhood It seems so demeaning parading in front of a lot of women.
We're in tuxedos, not g-strings.
It's an important fund raiser for the hospital.
I'm counting on your participation.
How about a bake sale? It is kind of a bake sale.
Your buns are up for grabs.
You are two female chauvinist pigs.
Don't worry, doogie.
You have potentially great buns.
Potentially? Doogie, what are you doing up so early? I thought you were in late.
Yeah, I was, but I'm feeling sort of sluggish so I decided to go to the gym.
You hate the gym.
No, I don't.
Oh, yes, you do.
You said my aerobics class was full of people doing the wrong exercises for the wrong reasons and that it was a symptom of our Superficial, body-obsessed Mom, I'm going to the gym.
Do you mind? Oh, sorry.
O.
K.
, I'm ready.
Let's pump some iron.
Let's build some brawn.
Let's press some benches.
What does that expression mean anyway? Just don't get muscle-bound, doogie.
You're adorable the way you are.
Adorable.
I don't want to be adorable.
The new kids on the block are adorable.
Personally, I'm shooting for adorable.
Doogie, Wanda's here.
Send her up.
Hi.
Here.
Let me get these medical books out of your way.
This steamer trunk bothering you? I can move it.
No, it's fine.
What's wrong? I have something to tell you, and I want to be totally honest with you so you won't think anything weird about it.
About what? Remember I said Greg's applying to the same art school as I am? We're going out Saturday night and compare notes.
You're going on a date with Greg? No, not a date.
We're going to talk about school.
Oh, right.
You're going to talk about art school? I don't believe how naive you are.
He's using the oldest trick in the book.
I don't think so.
And why not? Because I asked him.
Why are you getting so upset? It's totally innocent.
I'll tell you why, Wanda.
You won't admit what's really going on here.
And you're gonna tell me? You bet.
You're going out with Greg because you find him physically attractive.
You think he's a hunk.
You are so unfair.
You know plenty of people I don't know.
I have one new friend, and you start freaking out.
I am not freaking out.
I am simply having a normal human reaction to an extreme set of circumstances.
What's that? My girlfriend is going out with a professional nudist.
That's it, you've flipped.
Okay, fine, I have flipped.
I don't ask much, but I'm asking you not to meet this guy.
We're just gonna talk about school.
I'll bring a fig leaf.
They're going to this place called sunflower.
It's one of those artsy places on topanga canyon where the meat dishes were treated with respect when they were alive.
Where does a guy like Greg get that kind of money? There's a big market for nudity.
I can't believe Wanda would be so superficial.
Does this look any bigger? Great.
Come on, doog, you should count your blessings.
I mean, you're in good shape.
You're handsome, you got nice hair, a full mouth.
I'm going to stop.
This is getting sick.
You're right.
I'm being stupid.
I'm smart.
I'm a catch.
Wanda will see the error of her ways.
Ahh.
Let's do a couple more sets.
Oh, forget it.
I'm so sore, even my earlobes hurt.
Well, I'm not quitting.
You got to go for the burn, kid.
Fine.
Go on, be a muscle-head jerk like all the other muscle-head jerks here.
Dr.
rickett asked me to see how What are you doing? I'm checking out.
I've got two assignments lined up in New York.
I'm not blowing them because of a scratchy throat.
It's more than a scratchy throat, isn't it? I just saw the results of your blood tests.
You're hypokalemic.
In plain language, your potassium is significantly decreased.
So I'll eat a banana.
Your glands are swollen, your larynx is inflamed.
You have all the classic symptoms of bulimia.
I think you know what that word means.
We can help you.
We have an excellent therapeutic clinic.
You can be treated confidentially on an outpatient basis.
respond to the treatment.
The body's a sacred temple to you, but to me it's just a meal ticket.
You don't what it's like to be judged on your physical appearance.
Are you kidding? I'm losing my girlfriend to a guy with a body women dream about.
Tomorrow, I'm going to this bachelor's auction where no one's going to bid on me.
I'm lifting weights like a crazy person trying to make my body something it's not, and everything hurts.
You're still a whiz-kid doctor.
People care about your brains.
What you're going through isn't real.
How real is your life? Look, you can't be a model forever.
Start thinking about the rest of your life.
You keep this up, there won't be a rest of your life.
You'll die.
That may be a good way to lose weight, but it's not great for your social life.
I got a plane to catch.
How are you? Sorry to have kept you waiting.
How do you like this place? It's great.
I come here and draw.
The human face is so fascinating.
I'm glad we're getting a chance to talk.
I don't know anyone else i can discuss art with.
Move your head to the right.
Sure.
That's beautiful.
I think the impressionists are really overrated, don't you? I'm much more into the pre-raphaelites.
What can i get you two? I wouldn't say no to a Spanish villa and a 90-foot yacht.
We'll have the orange roughy.
Trust me on this.
See that? What? The waitress hitting on me.
I get that all the time.
I like magritte, too.
My father thinks he's totally out there.
Perfection.
You mind if I see it? It's still pretty rough.
It's you.
Yeah.
They're all you.
I have many moods.
See, Wanda, I don't just want to create art, I want to be art.
Come on, ladies.
Dr.
mcguire is six feet tall, with beautiful brown eyes.
His hobbies include jogging, reading, and avoiding commitments.
Let's make it a round number.
This tie's a nightmare.
Why couldn't you get a clip-on kind? My girlfriend is on a date with a nude model, every move I make is agony, I'm about to be humiliated, and you're worried about my bow tie.
It's the only thing under our control.
Sold to number 18.
$240! Dr.
mcguire broke the record.
You're on, howser.
Uh, doog, never underestimate the pity vote.
Now, for your auctioning pleasure, here's Dr.
Douglas howser.
He may not be the biggest hunk, but remember, ladies, good things come in small packages.
Dr.
howser is a third-year resident.
He's oh, we have a bid! $20.
$40.
$60.
$100.
Ooh! We have two enthusiastic bidders.
You ladies know something we don't? I don't blame you.
He is a sweetie.
Do I have any advance on $180? Sold to lady number 16.
Come and collect your goods and bring your checkbook.
Wanda? Can I borrow $40? I got a little carried away.
Sure.
I can't believe you'd bid that much.
I can't believe I had to.
Who's that? That's Sasha.
She's just a patient.
Miss plenn, we require payment before you handle the merchandise.
Your donations are tax deductible.
Ask for a receipt at the desk when you pick up your bachelor.
I was bidding with my pocketbook.
Your girlfriend bid with her heart.
No chance I would win.
It's just as well.
I've got to save my pennies now that I'm not working.
Really? Yeah.
I've decided to take a certain young doctor's advice.
I'm going into the treatment program.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Come here for a second.
Wanda I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.
Am I still your girlfriend? How much did you pay for me again? I have no choice.
A hot shower might help.
Yeah.
I'm gonna cool it with the weights.
Good.
You've been overdoing it.
Easy for you to say.
You were always one of the big guys.
Trust me, it's all relative.
There'll always be someone bigger than you are, stronger, or better looking, or smarter.
Well, maybe not smarter.
Do you like being a prodigy? Does it make you feel special? Well, yeah.
If I'm being honest, it does.
You're growing up.
Pretty soon you'll be just a really smart adult.
What a comedown.
Well, the point is that you don't look to other people for your self-esteem.
You can earn respect from other people, even admiration and praise, but it won't mean anything to you if you don't respect yourself.
Good night, buddy.
Good night, dad.
It looks that big from here.
You're exaggerating it.
He doesn't even look human.
I'm not as talented as you are, Wanda.
You've spent 20 minutes working on that nose.
I'm scared to move on.
Janine, this is art.
It's a balance of form and texture.
I'm looking at a naked man.
You wanted to take a life drawing class.
I just wanted a look, not stand across from him for 35 minutes.
How you girls getting on? That's very good, Wanda.
Although, I think you've been a little overly generous with the proportions of the chest muscles.
Well, Janine, that's an interesting proboscis.
It's supposed to be a nose.
Perfect.
The cook, the thief, his wife and her lover.
I'm not in the mood for disembowelment.
How about Helen mirren topless? Could you stomach that? Oh, my god.
Oh, that is disgusting.
Psst.
Oh, get Away.
I think we'll call it a day.
Thank you very much, Greg.
Nice work, Wanda.
Thanks, but it was your body.
Excuse me.
I could have taken him.
I just wish you would have told us.
I mean, when you said still life, I was thinking bowls of fruit.
I'm going to throw up.
Now you're with Mr.
nude America.
Last week we drew a female nude.
Oh, yeah? Where's that? That's a herring.
It's not finished yet.
You look at naked women.
That is different.
The female body is a thing of majestic beauty.
Men are disgusting.
No.
Greg's body is beautifully proportioned.
Greg? Yeah.
He has a name.
Do you have to call him by it? He's not just a body.
He's smart.
He's applying to the Chicago art institute.
Isn't that where you're going? It's on my list.
This kind of emotional turmoil makes me hungry.
Let's go get a pizza.
O.
K.
, I'll go, but I'm on a special diet.
I brought my own lunch.
What? I'm having a teriyaki-flavored rice cake and dolphin-safe tuna.
It helps build muscle.
You should try it.
Are you saying i should build muscle? No.
But since studying art, I've started to appreciate the human form.
Look at Michelangelo's David.
That's a glorious celebration of the male physique.
Nobody looks like that in real life.
Doogie, you obviously know nothing about the human body.
The patient is a 23-year-old model named Sasha Larkin.
Face like an angel.
Unfortunately, a voice like Morton downey, Jr.
Acute laryngitis.
She's been chosen spokesperson for carmiche perfume.
Company wants a diagnosis before signing the contract.
Have you ever had laryngitis before? Have you recently had a cold, respiratory problems? I'm fine.
I just can't talk.
Well, you look wonderful.
What about food? Does it go down all right? No choking or indigestion? Do you smoke? Are you kidding? With skin like that? Pretty straightforward case, wouldn't you say, gentlemen? Bulimia.
Hoarseness, swollen parotid and sublingual glands, discoloration and erosions on her front teeth.
The fingers.
What about them? Scarring on the dorsum of the right hand from the teeth and stomach acids.
Very astute.
I'll wait for the blood tests, but she's got an eating disorder.
We're collecting menus for this ward.
Can Sasha Larkin eat tonight? Light dinner.
She has more tests tomorrow.
Dr.
howser.
Just the young bachelor I was looking for.
If this is about that bachelor auction You were too young last year.
Now that you're on the verge of manhood It seems so demeaning parading in front of a lot of women.
We're in tuxedos, not g-strings.
It's an important fund raiser for the hospital.
I'm counting on your participation.
How about a bake sale? It is kind of a bake sale.
Your buns are up for grabs.
You are two female chauvinist pigs.
Don't worry, doogie.
You have potentially great buns.
Potentially? Doogie, what are you doing up so early? I thought you were in late.
Yeah, I was, but I'm feeling sort of sluggish so I decided to go to the gym.
You hate the gym.
No, I don't.
Oh, yes, you do.
You said my aerobics class was full of people doing the wrong exercises for the wrong reasons and that it was a symptom of our Superficial, body-obsessed Mom, I'm going to the gym.
Do you mind? Oh, sorry.
O.
K.
, I'm ready.
Let's pump some iron.
Let's build some brawn.
Let's press some benches.
What does that expression mean anyway? Just don't get muscle-bound, doogie.
You're adorable the way you are.
Adorable.
I don't want to be adorable.
The new kids on the block are adorable.
Personally, I'm shooting for adorable.
Doogie, Wanda's here.
Send her up.
Hi.
Here.
Let me get these medical books out of your way.
This steamer trunk bothering you? I can move it.
No, it's fine.
What's wrong? I have something to tell you, and I want to be totally honest with you so you won't think anything weird about it.
About what? Remember I said Greg's applying to the same art school as I am? We're going out Saturday night and compare notes.
You're going on a date with Greg? No, not a date.
We're going to talk about school.
Oh, right.
You're going to talk about art school? I don't believe how naive you are.
He's using the oldest trick in the book.
I don't think so.
And why not? Because I asked him.
Why are you getting so upset? It's totally innocent.
I'll tell you why, Wanda.
You won't admit what's really going on here.
And you're gonna tell me? You bet.
You're going out with Greg because you find him physically attractive.
You think he's a hunk.
You are so unfair.
You know plenty of people I don't know.
I have one new friend, and you start freaking out.
I am not freaking out.
I am simply having a normal human reaction to an extreme set of circumstances.
What's that? My girlfriend is going out with a professional nudist.
That's it, you've flipped.
Okay, fine, I have flipped.
I don't ask much, but I'm asking you not to meet this guy.
We're just gonna talk about school.
I'll bring a fig leaf.
They're going to this place called sunflower.
It's one of those artsy places on topanga canyon where the meat dishes were treated with respect when they were alive.
Where does a guy like Greg get that kind of money? There's a big market for nudity.
I can't believe Wanda would be so superficial.
Does this look any bigger? Great.
Come on, doog, you should count your blessings.
I mean, you're in good shape.
You're handsome, you got nice hair, a full mouth.
I'm going to stop.
This is getting sick.
You're right.
I'm being stupid.
I'm smart.
I'm a catch.
Wanda will see the error of her ways.
Ahh.
Let's do a couple more sets.
Oh, forget it.
I'm so sore, even my earlobes hurt.
Well, I'm not quitting.
You got to go for the burn, kid.
Fine.
Go on, be a muscle-head jerk like all the other muscle-head jerks here.
Dr.
rickett asked me to see how What are you doing? I'm checking out.
I've got two assignments lined up in New York.
I'm not blowing them because of a scratchy throat.
It's more than a scratchy throat, isn't it? I just saw the results of your blood tests.
You're hypokalemic.
In plain language, your potassium is significantly decreased.
So I'll eat a banana.
Your glands are swollen, your larynx is inflamed.
You have all the classic symptoms of bulimia.
I think you know what that word means.
We can help you.
We have an excellent therapeutic clinic.
You can be treated confidentially on an outpatient basis.
respond to the treatment.
The body's a sacred temple to you, but to me it's just a meal ticket.
You don't what it's like to be judged on your physical appearance.
Are you kidding? I'm losing my girlfriend to a guy with a body women dream about.
Tomorrow, I'm going to this bachelor's auction where no one's going to bid on me.
I'm lifting weights like a crazy person trying to make my body something it's not, and everything hurts.
You're still a whiz-kid doctor.
People care about your brains.
What you're going through isn't real.
How real is your life? Look, you can't be a model forever.
Start thinking about the rest of your life.
You keep this up, there won't be a rest of your life.
You'll die.
That may be a good way to lose weight, but it's not great for your social life.
I got a plane to catch.
How are you? Sorry to have kept you waiting.
How do you like this place? It's great.
I come here and draw.
The human face is so fascinating.
I'm glad we're getting a chance to talk.
I don't know anyone else i can discuss art with.
Move your head to the right.
Sure.
That's beautiful.
I think the impressionists are really overrated, don't you? I'm much more into the pre-raphaelites.
What can i get you two? I wouldn't say no to a Spanish villa and a 90-foot yacht.
We'll have the orange roughy.
Trust me on this.
See that? What? The waitress hitting on me.
I get that all the time.
I like magritte, too.
My father thinks he's totally out there.
Perfection.
You mind if I see it? It's still pretty rough.
It's you.
Yeah.
They're all you.
I have many moods.
See, Wanda, I don't just want to create art, I want to be art.
Come on, ladies.
Dr.
mcguire is six feet tall, with beautiful brown eyes.
His hobbies include jogging, reading, and avoiding commitments.
Let's make it a round number.
This tie's a nightmare.
Why couldn't you get a clip-on kind? My girlfriend is on a date with a nude model, every move I make is agony, I'm about to be humiliated, and you're worried about my bow tie.
It's the only thing under our control.
Sold to number 18.
$240! Dr.
mcguire broke the record.
You're on, howser.
Uh, doog, never underestimate the pity vote.
Now, for your auctioning pleasure, here's Dr.
Douglas howser.
He may not be the biggest hunk, but remember, ladies, good things come in small packages.
Dr.
howser is a third-year resident.
He's oh, we have a bid! $20.
$40.
$60.
$100.
Ooh! We have two enthusiastic bidders.
You ladies know something we don't? I don't blame you.
He is a sweetie.
Do I have any advance on $180? Sold to lady number 16.
Come and collect your goods and bring your checkbook.
Wanda? Can I borrow $40? I got a little carried away.
Sure.
I can't believe you'd bid that much.
I can't believe I had to.
Who's that? That's Sasha.
She's just a patient.
Miss plenn, we require payment before you handle the merchandise.
Your donations are tax deductible.
Ask for a receipt at the desk when you pick up your bachelor.
I was bidding with my pocketbook.
Your girlfriend bid with her heart.
No chance I would win.
It's just as well.
I've got to save my pennies now that I'm not working.
Really? Yeah.
I've decided to take a certain young doctor's advice.
I'm going into the treatment program.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Come here for a second.
Wanda I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.
Am I still your girlfriend? How much did you pay for me again? I have no choice.
A hot shower might help.
Yeah.
I'm gonna cool it with the weights.
Good.
You've been overdoing it.
Easy for you to say.
You were always one of the big guys.
Trust me, it's all relative.
There'll always be someone bigger than you are, stronger, or better looking, or smarter.
Well, maybe not smarter.
Do you like being a prodigy? Does it make you feel special? Well, yeah.
If I'm being honest, it does.
You're growing up.
Pretty soon you'll be just a really smart adult.
What a comedown.
Well, the point is that you don't look to other people for your self-esteem.
You can earn respect from other people, even admiration and praise, but it won't mean anything to you if you don't respect yourself.
Good night, buddy.
Good night, dad.