Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989) s03e04 Episode Script

It's a Damn Shaman

Come here, my little bambino.
Let me hold you in my arms.
We shouldn't be doing this.
I know.
That's what makes it so hot.
It's wrong.
It's sick.
It's kind of perverted.
Not yet.
But I'm working on it.
Vinnie, I can't.
This is my parents' bedroom.
It's about time it saw a little action.
Oh, you're so disgusting! Janine, this is the best room in the house.
It's like a paradise.
We got a king-sized bed, home entertainment center.
How would you feel if this was your parents' bedroom? Are you kidding? My father's idea of bedtime entertainment is a can of pringles on the nightstand.
Just relax.
I'll feel guilty enough for the both of us.
Oh, my god.
Cats? I'm talking about the shopping trip Mom Dad.
Hi, Princess.
You're home early.
Want to fix us dinner? Why don't we go out to eat? We just got home.
We never do anything as a family anymore.
Is that o.
With you? Fine.
Let me freshen up a bit.
I feel so dirty bumping against all those shoppers.
Mom! Something the matter, honey? Nothing.
Let's not go anywhere fancy.
I don't want to bother with a coat and tie.
Aah We could always try that new Italian place.
You're looking a little disheveled.
Maybe you should take a minute and freshen up yourself.
Good idea.
I'm feeling a little unfresh.
I'm glad Janine's spending more time at home instead of with that poison dwarf.
Can we have one evening where we don't discuss Vinnie delpino? I'm just making a comment.
It's becoming an obsession.
I'm not obsessed.
I'm fascinated.
I'm fascinated as to how our daughter managed to find the only Italian hood in brentwood.
It could be worse.
How, Nancy? Buona sera, mrs.
Aah! The surgery was to correct a congenital defect known as club feet.
I was assisting Dr.
The procedure was a success? We still have to remove the cast, but we're very confident.
howser, what happened the following week? Pao Yang's parents came to see me.
They were very upset.
They wanted to suspend treatment immediately and to discharge their son from the hospital.
What was your reaction? Well, I was stunned.
Pao Yang also has a congenital hip problem.
We had planned further surgery.
Did they give you any reason? It has something to do with their religious beliefs they practiced in Laos.
They felt the surgery was offending the spirits.
Spirits? You mean like banshees and goblins? There's no call for sarcasm.
I apologize.
Just tell us factually what happened.
Two days after the surgery on pao's feet, his mother suffered a miscarriage.
The family was told by a h'mong holy man that they had been cursed.
The miscarriage was punishment for allowing doctors to meddle with god's work.
How did you feel? I was angry.
These people were choosing to put their religious beliefs before their son's welfare.
I have no further questions.
Are you aware if the department of children's services has its way, pao Yang will be taken from his parents? Only for the treatment's duration.
How long is that? A few months.
Maybe a year.
A year in a foster home? I don't know if you're familiar with h'mong culture.
They're a very close-knit, family-oriented people.
Have you considered the psychological damage that move could cause? Dr.
howser is a physician, not a psychiatrist.
I withdraw the question.
Let me ask you another.
In your opinion, is the surgery urgent? Well, if you mean I mean, is pao Yang's life in danger? I'm more concerned with the quality of his life.
I didn't ask you about the quality Well, I'm concerned about it.
You're condemning him to a life of crippling arthritis.
Confine yourself to answering counsel's questions.
Is pao Yang's life in danger? No further questions.
I don't doubt the sincerity of the doctors' intentions, nor that surgery would improve the child's condition.
It's clear in every other respect that this child is cherished by his family.
It's obvious from my conversations with him, that he cherishes them.
There's a real danger he'd suffer serious emotional damage if he was taken from them.
In light of this, and because his condition isn't life threatening, I must reluctantly order that further surgery be discontinued.
We're adjourned.
20-minute recess for the next case.
We went the extra mile.
There's no need for this kid to suffer.
There are different kinds of suffering.
The family's attorney made a very good point about this child's pain in being separated from his parents.
When you're older, you'll understand.
That's not something I want to understand.
Yesterday it was minigolf.
Today it was the laundromat.
I've got a sinus infection from breathing in all that fabric softener.
We couldn't kiss because I was sneezing so hard.
Have you talked to your father? You don't talk to my father.
You listen.
It's not smart to forbid you to see Vinnie.
I can see Vinnie as much as I like, as long as I drop out of college and pay my parents back for my braces.
He's only making things worse.
That's what happened to us.
What happened? My father wasn't exactly bowled over by Dr.
How did you work it out? We muddled through somehow.
They eloped.
Really? Yeah.
That is so cool.
It's hard to imagine you doing anything that romantic.
We've had our moments, Janine.
I've got a 1:00 with Vinnie at the Westwood cemetery.
We're meeting behind Marilyn Monroe's crypt.
How very seductive.
This isn't funny, doogie.
I hate sneaking around.
I feel cheap and devious and dirty.
I feel cheap and devious and dirty.
It's wonderful.
You can get right down to it.
No complimenting her on her outfit You were never big on the social graces.
I'm serious.
I'm really understanding why people fool around.
Just knowing you could get caught makes you so So Horny.
This could be the best thing that happened to us.
I've seen it in the movies.
The woman has this need to prove just how much she'd do for her man.
Don't get your hopes up.
My hopes have been up since I was 9.
Vincenzo! Love petal.
I was going crazy pacing around my bedroom.
I know, baby.
It's torture being apart.
There's nothing I wouldn't do for you.
There's nothing I wouldn't do for you.
Really? I realize we've been left with only one alternative.
You don't know how long I've waited for this.
We have no choice! No choice whatsoever.
We need to prove how serious we are.
I'm committed, baby.
So we're going to elope! Oh, Vincenzo, I love you so much.
Here it is.
This is the tour d'amour hotel in Vegas.
Their honeymoon suite has a heart-shaped hot tub.
And I saw this in lifestyles of the rich and famous, the Elvis Presley love chapel.
Doesn't that sound like a memory just waiting to happen? Yeah.
This is such an inspired idea.
How'd you think of it? Well, actually, it was doogie's idea.
I never said you should elope.
I told you what my parents did.
Look how great that turned out.
Yeah, they gave us you.
Are you happy about this? Baby, baby, I'm ecstatic.
I'm just a little worried about the technicalities.
Are we old enough to get legally married? in 48 states.
Thank you, Mr.
I'm not sure you've taken the time to think this through.
Marriage is a serious commitment.
Do you want to start your lives together at the Elvis Presley love chapel? That's typical of you, doogie.
You're not romantic.
You can't understand that passion that drives me and Vinnie.
It's driving us to Vegas.
We can leave Friday night after my hair appointment.
I've got to choose my trousseau.
Love you.
Love you, too.
I'm dead.
What do I do now? Well, I think first priority's a bachelor party.
Doog, this ain't funny.
You'll have to reason with her.
Well, what do I say? She's out picking her trousseau.
I don't even know what a trousseau is.
Just tell her the truth.
Tell her that you're too young, and too inexperienced, and this whole idea of eloping is farcical.
Oh, yeah, she'll take that real well.
Janine, baby, I love you madly, but there's no way in hell I'll marry you.
Maybe it won't be so bad.
There's still the honeymoon to think of.
Five! Five lust-filled nights at the tour d'amour.
Then we'll find some trailer park somewhere.
I'll get a job with my name stitched on my shirt pocket, and Janine'll put on spend her days cutting tuna recipes from redbook.
Doog, I think I'm going to cry.
There is an alternative.
Double suicide? Go and talk to Mr.
Single suicide.
Apologize for your misbehavior, and maybe he'll let you date Janine again.
Doog, you don't understand.
He won't even see me.
He hates me.
I'll make an appointment at his office.
We'll go together.
If his toes change color or if there's any pain or discomfort, he needs to come back in.
My parents don't blame you for what happened.
It's comforting to know the spirits aren't holding a grudge against me.
He says if it was meant to be, god will cure pao.
God will not cure pao.
He needs a surgical shelving procedure.
That's what will cure him.
Who told you that? Your 10:00 is here, sir.
Send him in.
Hello, Mr.
It's good of you to see me Bill, who do you trust, me or some snot-nosed kid out of work? Bill, please, don't give me all that environmentalist crap.
Just listen.
This is quality oil exploration stock.
The economy's had the pants scared off it by the Gulf.
We'll drill in yellowstone if we have to.
It's a win-win proposition.
You call me when you're serious about making money.
Have a seat.
Is that Richard Nixon? Yeah.
A very wise man.
Very misunderstood.
So, Dr.
howser, what can I do for you? You interested in futures? Well, not mine, exactly.
I'm here on behalf of a friend, someone familiar to both of us.
Uh, hi, Mr.
Gee, you have a nice office.
Susan, get security in here.
Just give me five minutes of your time.
You should hear me out.
Why don't we all sit No, thanks.
I'm on a roll.
I realize our relationship hasn't gotten off on the best footing.
I want to apologize to you and Mrs.
Stewart A beautiful woman by the way I know Janine and I are only 18, but we have real and deep feelings for each other.
Your daughter loves me, and I'm devoted to her.
It's too cruel of you not to let us see each other.
This one.
Now wait a minute.
Stewart, I love her.
Janine is eloping with Vinnie.
Don't let him in the lobby.
She's making all the arrangements.
She even picked out the honeymoon hotel.
Let him go.
Wait outside.
I warn you, if this is some joke, I'll fix it so they'll never see each other again.
Well, no.
You can't.
The reality is, legally, they're adults.
If they wanted to get married tomorrow, they could.
They don't even need your permission.
You've turned their relationship into this romantic us-against-them.
Instead of getting what you want, you're forcing them to do something desperate.
How do you propose I get what I want? You're a businessman.
Cut a deal.
Allow Vinnie to see Janine, and he promises not to marry her for, say, 10 years.
Wait a minute.
10 years? I'll be an old man.
You think my daughter will stick with him for 10 years? She'll be sick of him in six months.
Then you've got nothing to lose.
It's a win-win proposition.
This really turns my stomach.
But I have limited choices.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That's the nicest thing he's ever said to me.
He's not such a bad guy.
Nice uniform.
You guys look great in blue.
I gotta hand it to you, doog.
You were brilliant! In one stroke, you saved my relationship with Janine, and rescued me from teenage marriage and abject poverty.
Well, when I saw that picture of Richard Nixon in his office, I knew we were dealing with no ordinary man.
Yeah, but you know what I admire about you? You know how to talk to people on their own terms.
You didn't waste time trying to change him, blabbing away about feelings.
You just figured out the best way for us to get what we wanted.
I guess that's why you're a genius.
Not always.
Is that a chicken? We're prepping pao Yang for surgery, Dr.
Keep talking, Dr.
I started from the premise that the family was under some sort of curse.
We talked things out.
I agreed to take part in this ritual.
We're asking that the family be absolved of the guilt from the operation and that god's anger fall upon me.
Well, that's very gratifying, but I don't normally allow barnyard animals in my hospital.
It's the only way we could get the parents' consent.
It occurred to me we're wasting our time trying to change these people's beliefs.
We had to accept who they are and to find a way to work with them.
It's a small price to pay for a child to walk.
You speak h'mong now? It's a simple language, once you get the hang of it.
Now, how long does this curse last? There is no curse.
Don't be too sure.
My uncle vito's very cynical about that stuff.
My aunt tutti put the evil eye on him.
All his hair fell out.
Every man in your family is bald.
But he was the first.
I'm telling you, you're in dangerous territory.
Love petal! Vinnie, I just ironed this blouse.
Are you ready? Where you guys going? Now that we're public again, I got to buy Janine dinner.
I can't believe my father gave in.
What did you say? Janine, I keep telling you, I'm an extremely charming person.
I have a very persuasive personality.
It was only a matter of time until he warmed up to me.
Doogie talked to him, didn't he? He threw in a word or two.
Janine, you think now that we're legit that our passion has leaked out? Shut up.
We're late.