Doom Patrol (2019) s01e08 Episode Script
Danny Patrol
1 Previously on Doom Patrol You told me I could say goodbye! Chief! What in the hell Cliff's having a psychotic break.
I'm so angry! Maybe Larry's not a hero.
But that thing inside him is.
Captain Trainor, once a soldier, always a soldier.
What is this? It's what Mr.
Nobody showed me in the donkey.
- You made this up.
- Who are you? I'm the only one here who can stand you.
Jane, don't leave.
- There's nowhere to go from here but up.
- Jane, I'm sorry.
Agent Wilson, the second we get your signal, we're coming in hot.
You got your ticket to the freak show? Yeah.
Good to go.
Don't catch anything.
You got this, Morris.
Let's tear it up.
He's new.
Who's the new hottie? How bad it is, Agent? Abnormal to a factor of what? Stand by.
Talk to me, Morris.
Agent Wilson, what's your 20? Agent Wilson? Agent Wilson! Go, go, go! Let's go! God damn it! Fuck! You ever get a rat stuck in you before? - No.
- Do I smell? - I'm worried I smell, and no one's telling me.
- You don't smell.
'Cause who the hell knows what that frigging thing was doing while it was inside me.
I just rewired your circuits and patched up your nutrient tank.
You're fine.
Shouldn't we at least just spray a little Lysol in here, maybe, you know, hang an air freshener.
- Maybe you could light a candle - Cliff! You think Jane's okay? She's Jane.
She's fine.
I gotta make things right with her.
Okay, help me out here.
What part of her telling you to F off last night, didn't land? Hey, remember when you thought not cursing would get you into the Justice League? What's up your ass? Oh, is it 'cause of Jane's psycho killer painting of you, where you killed us all? - Shut up, Cliff.
- Yeah, that sucked.
If you're feeling any homicidal urges, just gives us a little heads up, all right? I said, shut up.
I'm gonna come for you.
Sir, he's awake.
What's going on? Where am I? Welcome to your new base of operations, Captain Trainor.
I'm Agent Charles Forsythe, DOD.
DOD? - Why are you - You and I are going to accomplish great things together, Captain.
The radioactive energy within you is formidable.
We're gonna see if we can find a way to harness it.
What the hell are you talking about? I never agreed to any of this.
I'm afraid this isn't negotiable, soldier.
- Your service is compulsory.
- Compulsory? Hey! Hey! Jesus.
Hey, The Chief's still missing.
If you have any useful information, leave it here.
If you don't, why the fuck are you wasting my time? Hey, guys, it's me.
Hope you're all doing okay.
Rita, if you get this, I have this cute little thing tonight Jane, hey, I'm glad you called.
Uh, I'm really sorry about what I said last night.
That wasn't me.
I had a rat in my head.
It's okay.
I get it.
We all have rats in our heads sometimes.
- Yeah.
so, are we good? - Oh, my God, totally.
It's cool beans.
Are you gonna come home? Hmm, wait.
I'm sorry.
Who is this? - Cliff.
- Oh, right, right! Hi, Cliff.
Listen, I gotta jam, okay? Just let Rita know I'm having a little thing tonight at Doug's place, and I hope she can make it.
It'll be super chill.
- Whose place? - Thanks so much, Cliffie.
Heart you.
- Is she okay? - I think.
She said everything was - "cool beans.
" - "Cool beans"? - Oh, God.
- What? Whenever Jane is feeling particularly low, this one persona manifests and runs off to some ridiculous fantasy life she's created for herself.
She's by far the worst of the 64.
Who? Karen.
She's a love-struck psycho, stunted by her obsession with rom-coms from the '90s.
If I had to guess, I'd say she's on her way back to her leading man right now.
Some milquetoast layabout named Doug.
Go get 'em, girl.
She's broken up with him about 1,000 times.
But somehow, she always manages to win him back.
Stand under here if you'd like.
No.
No, no, no.
- Look, I'm not doing this again.
- Wait! Wait.
I'm so sorry I left.
I made a Whoa, hey, hey.
I'm sorry.
I make a terrible umbrella.
Doug, I know you have no reason to take me back, and I can't guarantee that things won't end up the same way they did last time, but the one thing I can guarantee is that I'll love you forever.
What am I going to do with you? Don't let Mr.
Nobody get in your head, Vic.
It's just a painting.
- Niles would know what to make of it.
- Yeah.
He would.
Danny Cakes.
178 Danny Street.
Springfield, Ohio.
There's no Danny Street in Springfield.
According to this, there is.
And someone there knows something about Niles.
Follow the cake, Vic.
Always follow the cake.
- "Where's Niles?" asked the cake shop.
- That's not weird at all.
Right this way, gentlemen.
Have a nice time.
I'll be right with you, boys.
Could you tell us where Give it up for my Saucy Songbirds, ladies and gentlemen.
Yes! Boys, girls, and all those in between.
Welcome to Peeping Tom's Perpetual Cabaret.
I'm your host, Maura Lee Karupt.
How y'all feeling? What, are they shooting an Ambien commercial in here? Okay, well, maybe this will cheer you up.
It appears we have two new guests with us.
Oh, look at these two serving us Terminator, King Tut realness, honey.
The word on the street is that you're friends of Niles Caulder.
Who told you that? - Danny did.
- Who's Danny? Oh, child, is your battery slow? Danny is all around you.
Danny the Street.
Danny's on the street? I think she's saying Danny is a street.
The street's a "he"? Danny's gender queer, and they use non-binary pronouns.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Oh, isn't that cute? Robo-boy doesn't understand non-binary.
Let me see if I can explain it to you in a language you can understand.
Um 01-001-110.
Make sense? Just give me one second.
Trying to find my middle finger emoji.
It's Oh, this sweet little snack's a bit salty.
I like it.
If you ever want to leave Westworld and come live with the Dannyzens, you just let me know.
- The who? - Danny travels all over the world, picking up those of us who have slipped through society's cracks.
We call ourselves the Dannyzens.
Oh.
What? Maybe I should let them explain for themselves.
Go ahead.
Ask Danny a question.
Um, Danny, do you know Niles Caulder? So do we.
Niles is missing.
Oh, my God, yay! Rita, you made it! - Karen.
- Hey, Karen! Cliffie, right? So great to finally meet you in person.
Jane's told me all about you.
Like what? Oh, um - Seriously? - Okay, so here's the sitch.
Doug's family just got in, and, well, things are a little tense.
Can you just cut her a little slack? Jumping Christ on a Pogo stick! Listen, Karen and I are in love.
And we're getting back together again.
- And that's that.
- Douglas, please.
- Since you were born - Nine hours of labor, this woman screamed through with you.
Nine! I swaddled you.
I fed you with these breasts.
I loved you.
And I tried to give you everything, so you could have the best life possible.
We came from miners, God damn it! - Nothing to our name but coal! - And now, now, you're willing to throw it all away on that trash witch whore.
Whoa, Mom.
Whoa.
- Harsh.
- Right? I need you to help me lighten the mood.
What? No.
Why would I do that? Duh, 'cause we're best friends.
No, we're not.
Oh, my God, Rita, you're so weird.
Come.
Um Oh.
Sorry, Cliffie, I would totally invite you in, but - I really need tonight to go well.
- Oh.
And you're sort of weird and creepy, so I just I I just wanted to tell you, to tell all of you, I'm sorry.
Uh-huh.
The street talks.
Of course the street talks.
Why wouldn't the street talk? Well, donkey dimension, Decreator, group therapy.
Just ride the wave, Vic.
Hey.
We were hoping that you could tell us.
That's why we followed your cake.
Can I ask you why your street is so empty? Why? Who's Darren Jones? Extraordinary.
Tell me about Ellsworth.
I'm not telling you anything.
How about Charleston or Edwards? Quite a few transfers in such a short period of time.
It's not normal.
It seems you've struggled with normalcy your entire life.
Fuck you.
Now you're concerned about collateral damage? In Havana? You wanted a contingency plan.
Here it is! Good news, Captain Trainor.
A new mission has presented itself.
The Red Menace is knocking on our door, not 100 miles from Miami.
Thousands of American lives in the balance.
What the hell do you people want from me? It's not about what we want.
It's about what we're offering.
Your chance to serve your country.
To be a real man.
Better than that, your chance to be a hero.
Go to hell.
I'm going to need you to go there for me, Captain.
Yo, Danny, what's the Bureau of Normalcy? It's a top secret government agency, run by a bunch of demented zealots.
They stomp out anything they deem to be aberrations.
And you know this how? Why are they after you, Danny? All right now, no need to get cheeky, Danny.
We can tell them the whole story.
Couple of years back, Darren Jones botched a search-and-destroy mission on Danny.
Lost his partner in the process.
What happened to him? He became Maura Lee Karupt.
Karen, are you sure getting back into this relationship is the best idea? Does Doug even know about your situation? Okay, I know I can be a lot sometimes.
But Doug and I have a real chance of actually being happy together.
Shouldn't we at least try? Even though you both make me want to vomit into my purse, I can admit that you make a cute-ish couple.
Come here.
Come here.
Yeah.
- God, you're such a fucking sap! - Hammerhead.
- What are you doing - Shut up! It wasn't easy yanking that twat off the fucking driver's seat, so I have to make this quick.
Get us the fuck out of here, now! Do it yourself! Or make Jane do it.
Jane's not around.
How do you think we got stuck with Basic Bitch Barbie! Well, where is she? Don't worry about Jane, okay? Worry about Karen.
She's dangerous.
And the more people indulge this Nora Ephron bullshit of hers, the harder it is to make her let go.
She's just wants to be happy.
- Is that so wrong? - Give me a fuckin' break, okay? She has that walking half-chub Doug under her weird little fucking love spell.
Love spell? I swear to God, Rita, if that dick gets anywhere near my fucking bush, I'm gonna fucking kill you, okay? And if I get fucked, you get fucked.
Hmm.
Can we go back to the part about Karen's love spell? Mmm, whatever you do, don't fall for that fucking bitch's Dougie? - Yeah? - You want another beer? Thanks, hon.
- Karen.
- Hmm.
I want nothing more than for you to be happy.
Really, I do, but maybe just slow down.
You're right.
I totally hear you.
Douglas Jay Calhoon.
Yeah.
I can't go another day without being your wife.
Would you do me the honor of becoming my husband? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! That's it! That's it! No, I can't, I can't do this.
Douglas, you cannot marry this woman! - Mom.
- No, I have to say this.
She just waltzes in your life.
She tears it to shreds.
And then she breezes out whenever it suits her.
Dude, she's a ticking time bomb.
Stay out of this, Mick.
The last time she left, you wouldn't get out of bed for six months! If you marry Karen, then that's it.
We're done.
Whoa.
Do you all feel this way? - Dougie - Hmm? don't choose between me and your family.
Just choose love.
- Yes.
Yes! A thousand times yes.
- Oh, my God.
- I love you so much.
- No, no, no! For fucking Christ's sake.
Congratulations! Guys! It's about time.
Oh, yes! What? A toast! Karen, the day you came into our lives You're everything I hoped my son - Oh! Don't you start now.
- I can't even All right, let's have a drink, yeah? Okay.
Punk.
Do those people out there have any idea who you used to work for? I tired to tell them, but I I can't.
I'm not a bad person.
You work for the Bureau of Normalcy.
I know exactly what kind of person you are.
You don't know a damn thing about me.
For a long time, neither did I.
I was supposed to hate this place.
Working for the Bureau, you're supposed to hate anything that's abnormal.
- But I couldn't.
- Something about Danny felt right.
It felt like home.
A weight had been lifted off me.
How bad it is, Agent? Abnormal to a factor of what? Stand by.
I felt lighter.
Like I was more of myself than I had ever been.
Agent Wilson, what do you see? Agent Wilson.
Agent Wilson.
And that's when Maura Lee Karupt was born.
My drag name was my own personal "fuck you" to the Bureau.
I knew then I couldn't let any harm come to this place.
So I tipped Danny off.
And they were able to jump before Darren could attack.
Yes, Danny can jump.
Anywhere around the world, which is a helpful thing, because Darren's obsessed.
He's been following us ever since.
He just won't let it go.
The Bureau never does.
Danny is supposed to be a safe haven for people like us.
But nobody feels safe here anymore.
It's not right.
No one should ever have to feel uncomfortable in their own skin.
I don't know how much longer we can keep this up.
They all seem pretty happy to me.
Trust me, those people are scared.
But, still, they show up with a brave face and come anyway.
- Why? - For Danny.
It's a perpetual cabaret for a reason.
This street thrives on the Dannyzens' happiness.
We keep the party going, we keep Danny going.
But we're running on fumes.
If the party stops Then Danny's heart stops right along with it.
And they win.
The Bureau of Normalcy.
"Normal" ain't nothing but a state of mind.
We need to help these people.
We don't need to do anything.
Man, look at this place! And you seriously want to run away, again? I don't need to justify myself to you.
If I have to bow out of this one, then I'll bow out.
I'm not going up against the Bureau.
What the hell's going on with you, man? What did those people do to you? Just forget it.
Man, I thought you was done with the whole Cowardly Lion routine, huh? Aren't you sick of being that guy? And what kind of guy are you, Vic? You're a hero, right? Maybe you could teach me to be more like you.
Or maybe, maybe, Mr.
Nobody was onto something.
Should I buy my cape before or after I kill my family and friends? If you want to bail, then bail.
I'm done trying to stiffen your spine.
Good.
'Cause I'm done letting other people tell me who I am.
I underestimated you, Captain.
I thought you were nothing but a degenerate radioactive flyboy.
But it seems you are so much more.
What happened? What the hell is that? That, Captain Trainor, is what's really inside you.
That is who you really are.
I do.
I do.
I do.
I do.
I do.
I do.
Hey, Ri-Ri.
I understand that you love Doug, but we all know you're just going to end up leaving him again.
What? No.
Dougie and I are endgame.
I don't know what that means.
I just know that it's youthful and irritating.
It means me and Doug are going to be together forever.
Oh, for Christ's sake, Karen, cut the shit! That man and his family don't have a say in what's happening.
What you're doing is wrong.
What am I doing? Your little spell.
Oh, whatever.
Doug's love for you isn't real.
Yes, it is! Why are you being so extra right now, ugh! Then prove it.
If your love is real, then break the spell.
You know what, Rita? Why don't you crawl out of my ass and go fuck yourself? Excuse me.
Don't put your shit on me just because your life is like Grey Gardens level pathetic.
If your goal is to be a walking cautionary tale, well, congrats, consider me cautioned.
I will do everything in my power to never end up like you, a sad, tired old crone who is so ridiculously past her prime, she doesn't even know it.
Believe me, I know it.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
That is That is totally the stress talking.
- Hmm.
- Honey, it's just that today is a special day, and we really need to get ready.
Okay? - Ready? - Mmm-hmm.
For what? Really, dude, is that all you got? Think you can do better? I've seen Flashdance 87 times.
What do you think? Okay, kittens.
It's time for karaoke.
Oh, hey, mommy dearest.
All new comers are welcome.
There's a price of admission.
You gotta sing, baby.
I don't sing.
Well, we have to keep this party popping, okay? Don't be scared.
I'm not scared.
Then get up there.
- "We come into this world unknown, - - but know that we are not alone.
- - They try to knock us down, - but change is coming.
It's our time now.
" - Hey, everybody loses it - Everybody wants to throw it all away sometimes - And, hey - Yeah, I know what you're going through Don't let it get the best of you - You'll make it out alive - - Oh - - People like us we gotta stick together - Keep your head up nothing lasts forever Here's to the damned to the lost and forgotten It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom Oh, whoa oh, whoa We are all misfits living in a world on fire Oh, whoa oh, whoa Sing it for the people like us The people like us Hey This is not a funeral It's a revolution after all Your tears have turned to rain Just wait Everything will be okay Even when you feel alive You're going down in flames Oh-ho People like us we gotta stick together Keep your head up nothing lasts forever Here's to the damned to the lost and forgotten It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom Oh, whoa oh, whoa We are all misfits living in a world on fire Oh, whoa oh, whoa Sing it for the people like us The people like us They can't do nothing to you they can't do nothing to me This is the life that we choose This is the life that we breathe So throw your fists In the air Come out come out if you dare Tonight we're gonna change forever Everybody loses it Everybody wants to throw it all away sometimes Oh, people like us we gotta stick together Keep your head up nothing lasts forever Here's to the damned to the lost and forgotten It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom Oh, whoa oh, whoa We are all misfits living in a world on fire Oh, whoa oh, whoa Sing it for the people like I don't sing.
Grid, proceed on auto-search.
Expand the radius another two blocks.
Let me know if you find anything.
Thought you were bowing out.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Then you better hurry.
'Cause nobody takes their bow after me.
- What are you doing? - Danny can't go on living like this.
And I can't risk what will happen if they do.
It's time for me to go back and fix the mess I've made.
How? I'm going back to the Bureau.
Back to my old life.
- It's the only way, Danny.
- If I go back, I can throw 'em off your scent.
I can say I was deep undercover, tell them it took me a while, but I finally rid the world of the abomination that is Danny the Street.
I promise I'll give a better performance than this one.
You can't go back to that place.
If they get so much as a whiff of who you really are, they'll I don't care.
As long as everyone here is safe, I'll be okay.
Thanks for letting me stay over the rainbow, Danny.
It's the Bureau.
They're here.
Okay, Danny, I'm gonna start walking.
The second I step off the end of the block, you jump.
I'll cover you, okay? What? I gotta say, I'm with the street.
So then what do we do? Let's turn the party, girl.
You in? Look alive, gentlemen.
Jesus, look at this human trash here.
You know, Darren, men as old as you really shouldn't throw shade.
You might hurt your back.
Morris? My God! What the hell has this abomination done to you? Danny didn't do anything, except help me realize who I am.
What? No.
No, this is not who your are, Morris.
You're a man.
- This place, these people are - No.
You don't get to tell me or anyone else who they are ever again.
I am proud of the person I see in the mirror.
My face is beat.
My look is flawless, and I am dusted from head to toe.
The only thing I am not is scared of you.
Fan out, boys! I said Thanks, Danny.
You fucking freak.
Fabulosity incarnate stands before you, Darren.
Show some goddamn respect.
Like hell I will.
Didn't your mama tell you? Never lay your hands on a woman.
Go home, Darren.
And don't ever come back here again.
You go back to the Bureau, and you tell them Danny the Street is off limits.
Maybe I'll put you on our list instead.
I'm already on it.
Tell them Captain Trainor sends his best.
Every time, the dream is the same.
Somebody's welding me, except when the mask come up, it's Jennifer Beals.
Whoa.
Who? Bro What does it have to do with the rat in your head? Cliff, thank heavens you're still out here.
Jane wants to see you right away.
Keep it real, kid.
- No, it's no problem.
- - I'm happy to help.
- - Me, too.
- - You never told us how you know each other.
- Yeah.
- I'm fine.
- It's just, I could really use the Chief's help right now.
I'm scared.
I'm scared we may never get him back.
And I'm scared what might happen if we don't.
This may be a long shot, and I know Niles has his secrets, but if you could tell us anything that could possibly help us figure out what Mr.
Nobody's done with the Chief, then Yeah.
That's who took Niles.
- Please, Danny.
- I'm begging you.
We need him.
Was I that bad? Oh.
All right, open them.
What do you think, Cliffie? Uh, what the ever living shit is happening? Dougie and I are getting married.
Now? When you know it's right, why wait? Uh-huh, where's Jane? Jane means a lot to you, doesn't she? I can tell by the way she talks about you, that you mean a lot to her, too.
And I was thinking this wouldn't be a real wedding without someone to walk me down the aisle.
And, well, I know I'm not a cool, manic pixie dream girl like Jane is, but Cliff, would you give me away? What, are you fucking nuts? Come on, this is the most important day of my life.
What do you say? You have incredibly psychotic eyes.
- Ugh, just forget it.
- This is crazy, Karen.
- You can't marry this guy.
- "Crazy"? It's what I want.
And what about what Jane wants? Just back off, Cliff.
Babe, you okay? Mmm-hmm.
Holy shit! A robot for our wedding! - How cool.
- Back off, Dermot Mulroney.
Whoa, chillax, asshole.
- Oh.
- I think what you meant was Cliff, oh, my God! Just leave us alone.
No.
I have no idea what the hell's going on here, but I'm not letting you go through with this.
Not unless I know that Jane's okay with it.
- Okay, we're leaving.
- What are you doing? Let me go! You just let me go! You have no right to do this! Don't fucking touch me! I asked you people to do one fucking thing! Sorry, Dougie, wedding's off.
No! Oh, Dougie, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, baby.
I'm so sorry.
I would never hurt you.
Never hurt you.
I'm so sorry.
I I Help me! No! Dougie! Dougie, it's okay.
Hold on.
It's okay.
I'm still here.
I'm still here.
Let go of me, you motherfuckers! Jane? Jane, are you in there? Jane? Hey, Jane? I'm sorry, Jane.
Hey, it's me.
Jane! Come on, Jane.
Jane.
Jane.
I'm so angry! Maybe Larry's not a hero.
But that thing inside him is.
Captain Trainor, once a soldier, always a soldier.
What is this? It's what Mr.
Nobody showed me in the donkey.
- You made this up.
- Who are you? I'm the only one here who can stand you.
Jane, don't leave.
- There's nowhere to go from here but up.
- Jane, I'm sorry.
Agent Wilson, the second we get your signal, we're coming in hot.
You got your ticket to the freak show? Yeah.
Good to go.
Don't catch anything.
You got this, Morris.
Let's tear it up.
He's new.
Who's the new hottie? How bad it is, Agent? Abnormal to a factor of what? Stand by.
Talk to me, Morris.
Agent Wilson, what's your 20? Agent Wilson? Agent Wilson! Go, go, go! Let's go! God damn it! Fuck! You ever get a rat stuck in you before? - No.
- Do I smell? - I'm worried I smell, and no one's telling me.
- You don't smell.
'Cause who the hell knows what that frigging thing was doing while it was inside me.
I just rewired your circuits and patched up your nutrient tank.
You're fine.
Shouldn't we at least just spray a little Lysol in here, maybe, you know, hang an air freshener.
- Maybe you could light a candle - Cliff! You think Jane's okay? She's Jane.
She's fine.
I gotta make things right with her.
Okay, help me out here.
What part of her telling you to F off last night, didn't land? Hey, remember when you thought not cursing would get you into the Justice League? What's up your ass? Oh, is it 'cause of Jane's psycho killer painting of you, where you killed us all? - Shut up, Cliff.
- Yeah, that sucked.
If you're feeling any homicidal urges, just gives us a little heads up, all right? I said, shut up.
I'm gonna come for you.
Sir, he's awake.
What's going on? Where am I? Welcome to your new base of operations, Captain Trainor.
I'm Agent Charles Forsythe, DOD.
DOD? - Why are you - You and I are going to accomplish great things together, Captain.
The radioactive energy within you is formidable.
We're gonna see if we can find a way to harness it.
What the hell are you talking about? I never agreed to any of this.
I'm afraid this isn't negotiable, soldier.
- Your service is compulsory.
- Compulsory? Hey! Hey! Jesus.
Hey, The Chief's still missing.
If you have any useful information, leave it here.
If you don't, why the fuck are you wasting my time? Hey, guys, it's me.
Hope you're all doing okay.
Rita, if you get this, I have this cute little thing tonight Jane, hey, I'm glad you called.
Uh, I'm really sorry about what I said last night.
That wasn't me.
I had a rat in my head.
It's okay.
I get it.
We all have rats in our heads sometimes.
- Yeah.
so, are we good? - Oh, my God, totally.
It's cool beans.
Are you gonna come home? Hmm, wait.
I'm sorry.
Who is this? - Cliff.
- Oh, right, right! Hi, Cliff.
Listen, I gotta jam, okay? Just let Rita know I'm having a little thing tonight at Doug's place, and I hope she can make it.
It'll be super chill.
- Whose place? - Thanks so much, Cliffie.
Heart you.
- Is she okay? - I think.
She said everything was - "cool beans.
" - "Cool beans"? - Oh, God.
- What? Whenever Jane is feeling particularly low, this one persona manifests and runs off to some ridiculous fantasy life she's created for herself.
She's by far the worst of the 64.
Who? Karen.
She's a love-struck psycho, stunted by her obsession with rom-coms from the '90s.
If I had to guess, I'd say she's on her way back to her leading man right now.
Some milquetoast layabout named Doug.
Go get 'em, girl.
She's broken up with him about 1,000 times.
But somehow, she always manages to win him back.
Stand under here if you'd like.
No.
No, no, no.
- Look, I'm not doing this again.
- Wait! Wait.
I'm so sorry I left.
I made a Whoa, hey, hey.
I'm sorry.
I make a terrible umbrella.
Doug, I know you have no reason to take me back, and I can't guarantee that things won't end up the same way they did last time, but the one thing I can guarantee is that I'll love you forever.
What am I going to do with you? Don't let Mr.
Nobody get in your head, Vic.
It's just a painting.
- Niles would know what to make of it.
- Yeah.
He would.
Danny Cakes.
178 Danny Street.
Springfield, Ohio.
There's no Danny Street in Springfield.
According to this, there is.
And someone there knows something about Niles.
Follow the cake, Vic.
Always follow the cake.
- "Where's Niles?" asked the cake shop.
- That's not weird at all.
Right this way, gentlemen.
Have a nice time.
I'll be right with you, boys.
Could you tell us where Give it up for my Saucy Songbirds, ladies and gentlemen.
Yes! Boys, girls, and all those in between.
Welcome to Peeping Tom's Perpetual Cabaret.
I'm your host, Maura Lee Karupt.
How y'all feeling? What, are they shooting an Ambien commercial in here? Okay, well, maybe this will cheer you up.
It appears we have two new guests with us.
Oh, look at these two serving us Terminator, King Tut realness, honey.
The word on the street is that you're friends of Niles Caulder.
Who told you that? - Danny did.
- Who's Danny? Oh, child, is your battery slow? Danny is all around you.
Danny the Street.
Danny's on the street? I think she's saying Danny is a street.
The street's a "he"? Danny's gender queer, and they use non-binary pronouns.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Oh, isn't that cute? Robo-boy doesn't understand non-binary.
Let me see if I can explain it to you in a language you can understand.
Um 01-001-110.
Make sense? Just give me one second.
Trying to find my middle finger emoji.
It's Oh, this sweet little snack's a bit salty.
I like it.
If you ever want to leave Westworld and come live with the Dannyzens, you just let me know.
- The who? - Danny travels all over the world, picking up those of us who have slipped through society's cracks.
We call ourselves the Dannyzens.
Oh.
What? Maybe I should let them explain for themselves.
Go ahead.
Ask Danny a question.
Um, Danny, do you know Niles Caulder? So do we.
Niles is missing.
Oh, my God, yay! Rita, you made it! - Karen.
- Hey, Karen! Cliffie, right? So great to finally meet you in person.
Jane's told me all about you.
Like what? Oh, um - Seriously? - Okay, so here's the sitch.
Doug's family just got in, and, well, things are a little tense.
Can you just cut her a little slack? Jumping Christ on a Pogo stick! Listen, Karen and I are in love.
And we're getting back together again.
- And that's that.
- Douglas, please.
- Since you were born - Nine hours of labor, this woman screamed through with you.
Nine! I swaddled you.
I fed you with these breasts.
I loved you.
And I tried to give you everything, so you could have the best life possible.
We came from miners, God damn it! - Nothing to our name but coal! - And now, now, you're willing to throw it all away on that trash witch whore.
Whoa, Mom.
Whoa.
- Harsh.
- Right? I need you to help me lighten the mood.
What? No.
Why would I do that? Duh, 'cause we're best friends.
No, we're not.
Oh, my God, Rita, you're so weird.
Come.
Um Oh.
Sorry, Cliffie, I would totally invite you in, but - I really need tonight to go well.
- Oh.
And you're sort of weird and creepy, so I just I I just wanted to tell you, to tell all of you, I'm sorry.
Uh-huh.
The street talks.
Of course the street talks.
Why wouldn't the street talk? Well, donkey dimension, Decreator, group therapy.
Just ride the wave, Vic.
Hey.
We were hoping that you could tell us.
That's why we followed your cake.
Can I ask you why your street is so empty? Why? Who's Darren Jones? Extraordinary.
Tell me about Ellsworth.
I'm not telling you anything.
How about Charleston or Edwards? Quite a few transfers in such a short period of time.
It's not normal.
It seems you've struggled with normalcy your entire life.
Fuck you.
Now you're concerned about collateral damage? In Havana? You wanted a contingency plan.
Here it is! Good news, Captain Trainor.
A new mission has presented itself.
The Red Menace is knocking on our door, not 100 miles from Miami.
Thousands of American lives in the balance.
What the hell do you people want from me? It's not about what we want.
It's about what we're offering.
Your chance to serve your country.
To be a real man.
Better than that, your chance to be a hero.
Go to hell.
I'm going to need you to go there for me, Captain.
Yo, Danny, what's the Bureau of Normalcy? It's a top secret government agency, run by a bunch of demented zealots.
They stomp out anything they deem to be aberrations.
And you know this how? Why are they after you, Danny? All right now, no need to get cheeky, Danny.
We can tell them the whole story.
Couple of years back, Darren Jones botched a search-and-destroy mission on Danny.
Lost his partner in the process.
What happened to him? He became Maura Lee Karupt.
Karen, are you sure getting back into this relationship is the best idea? Does Doug even know about your situation? Okay, I know I can be a lot sometimes.
But Doug and I have a real chance of actually being happy together.
Shouldn't we at least try? Even though you both make me want to vomit into my purse, I can admit that you make a cute-ish couple.
Come here.
Come here.
Yeah.
- God, you're such a fucking sap! - Hammerhead.
- What are you doing - Shut up! It wasn't easy yanking that twat off the fucking driver's seat, so I have to make this quick.
Get us the fuck out of here, now! Do it yourself! Or make Jane do it.
Jane's not around.
How do you think we got stuck with Basic Bitch Barbie! Well, where is she? Don't worry about Jane, okay? Worry about Karen.
She's dangerous.
And the more people indulge this Nora Ephron bullshit of hers, the harder it is to make her let go.
She's just wants to be happy.
- Is that so wrong? - Give me a fuckin' break, okay? She has that walking half-chub Doug under her weird little fucking love spell.
Love spell? I swear to God, Rita, if that dick gets anywhere near my fucking bush, I'm gonna fucking kill you, okay? And if I get fucked, you get fucked.
Hmm.
Can we go back to the part about Karen's love spell? Mmm, whatever you do, don't fall for that fucking bitch's Dougie? - Yeah? - You want another beer? Thanks, hon.
- Karen.
- Hmm.
I want nothing more than for you to be happy.
Really, I do, but maybe just slow down.
You're right.
I totally hear you.
Douglas Jay Calhoon.
Yeah.
I can't go another day without being your wife.
Would you do me the honor of becoming my husband? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! That's it! That's it! No, I can't, I can't do this.
Douglas, you cannot marry this woman! - Mom.
- No, I have to say this.
She just waltzes in your life.
She tears it to shreds.
And then she breezes out whenever it suits her.
Dude, she's a ticking time bomb.
Stay out of this, Mick.
The last time she left, you wouldn't get out of bed for six months! If you marry Karen, then that's it.
We're done.
Whoa.
Do you all feel this way? - Dougie - Hmm? don't choose between me and your family.
Just choose love.
- Yes.
Yes! A thousand times yes.
- Oh, my God.
- I love you so much.
- No, no, no! For fucking Christ's sake.
Congratulations! Guys! It's about time.
Oh, yes! What? A toast! Karen, the day you came into our lives You're everything I hoped my son - Oh! Don't you start now.
- I can't even All right, let's have a drink, yeah? Okay.
Punk.
Do those people out there have any idea who you used to work for? I tired to tell them, but I I can't.
I'm not a bad person.
You work for the Bureau of Normalcy.
I know exactly what kind of person you are.
You don't know a damn thing about me.
For a long time, neither did I.
I was supposed to hate this place.
Working for the Bureau, you're supposed to hate anything that's abnormal.
- But I couldn't.
- Something about Danny felt right.
It felt like home.
A weight had been lifted off me.
How bad it is, Agent? Abnormal to a factor of what? Stand by.
I felt lighter.
Like I was more of myself than I had ever been.
Agent Wilson, what do you see? Agent Wilson.
Agent Wilson.
And that's when Maura Lee Karupt was born.
My drag name was my own personal "fuck you" to the Bureau.
I knew then I couldn't let any harm come to this place.
So I tipped Danny off.
And they were able to jump before Darren could attack.
Yes, Danny can jump.
Anywhere around the world, which is a helpful thing, because Darren's obsessed.
He's been following us ever since.
He just won't let it go.
The Bureau never does.
Danny is supposed to be a safe haven for people like us.
But nobody feels safe here anymore.
It's not right.
No one should ever have to feel uncomfortable in their own skin.
I don't know how much longer we can keep this up.
They all seem pretty happy to me.
Trust me, those people are scared.
But, still, they show up with a brave face and come anyway.
- Why? - For Danny.
It's a perpetual cabaret for a reason.
This street thrives on the Dannyzens' happiness.
We keep the party going, we keep Danny going.
But we're running on fumes.
If the party stops Then Danny's heart stops right along with it.
And they win.
The Bureau of Normalcy.
"Normal" ain't nothing but a state of mind.
We need to help these people.
We don't need to do anything.
Man, look at this place! And you seriously want to run away, again? I don't need to justify myself to you.
If I have to bow out of this one, then I'll bow out.
I'm not going up against the Bureau.
What the hell's going on with you, man? What did those people do to you? Just forget it.
Man, I thought you was done with the whole Cowardly Lion routine, huh? Aren't you sick of being that guy? And what kind of guy are you, Vic? You're a hero, right? Maybe you could teach me to be more like you.
Or maybe, maybe, Mr.
Nobody was onto something.
Should I buy my cape before or after I kill my family and friends? If you want to bail, then bail.
I'm done trying to stiffen your spine.
Good.
'Cause I'm done letting other people tell me who I am.
I underestimated you, Captain.
I thought you were nothing but a degenerate radioactive flyboy.
But it seems you are so much more.
What happened? What the hell is that? That, Captain Trainor, is what's really inside you.
That is who you really are.
I do.
I do.
I do.
I do.
I do.
I do.
Hey, Ri-Ri.
I understand that you love Doug, but we all know you're just going to end up leaving him again.
What? No.
Dougie and I are endgame.
I don't know what that means.
I just know that it's youthful and irritating.
It means me and Doug are going to be together forever.
Oh, for Christ's sake, Karen, cut the shit! That man and his family don't have a say in what's happening.
What you're doing is wrong.
What am I doing? Your little spell.
Oh, whatever.
Doug's love for you isn't real.
Yes, it is! Why are you being so extra right now, ugh! Then prove it.
If your love is real, then break the spell.
You know what, Rita? Why don't you crawl out of my ass and go fuck yourself? Excuse me.
Don't put your shit on me just because your life is like Grey Gardens level pathetic.
If your goal is to be a walking cautionary tale, well, congrats, consider me cautioned.
I will do everything in my power to never end up like you, a sad, tired old crone who is so ridiculously past her prime, she doesn't even know it.
Believe me, I know it.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
That is That is totally the stress talking.
- Hmm.
- Honey, it's just that today is a special day, and we really need to get ready.
Okay? - Ready? - Mmm-hmm.
For what? Really, dude, is that all you got? Think you can do better? I've seen Flashdance 87 times.
What do you think? Okay, kittens.
It's time for karaoke.
Oh, hey, mommy dearest.
All new comers are welcome.
There's a price of admission.
You gotta sing, baby.
I don't sing.
Well, we have to keep this party popping, okay? Don't be scared.
I'm not scared.
Then get up there.
- "We come into this world unknown, - - but know that we are not alone.
- - They try to knock us down, - but change is coming.
It's our time now.
" - Hey, everybody loses it - Everybody wants to throw it all away sometimes - And, hey - Yeah, I know what you're going through Don't let it get the best of you - You'll make it out alive - - Oh - - People like us we gotta stick together - Keep your head up nothing lasts forever Here's to the damned to the lost and forgotten It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom Oh, whoa oh, whoa We are all misfits living in a world on fire Oh, whoa oh, whoa Sing it for the people like us The people like us Hey This is not a funeral It's a revolution after all Your tears have turned to rain Just wait Everything will be okay Even when you feel alive You're going down in flames Oh-ho People like us we gotta stick together Keep your head up nothing lasts forever Here's to the damned to the lost and forgotten It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom Oh, whoa oh, whoa We are all misfits living in a world on fire Oh, whoa oh, whoa Sing it for the people like us The people like us They can't do nothing to you they can't do nothing to me This is the life that we choose This is the life that we breathe So throw your fists In the air Come out come out if you dare Tonight we're gonna change forever Everybody loses it Everybody wants to throw it all away sometimes Oh, people like us we gotta stick together Keep your head up nothing lasts forever Here's to the damned to the lost and forgotten It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom Oh, whoa oh, whoa We are all misfits living in a world on fire Oh, whoa oh, whoa Sing it for the people like I don't sing.
Grid, proceed on auto-search.
Expand the radius another two blocks.
Let me know if you find anything.
Thought you were bowing out.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Then you better hurry.
'Cause nobody takes their bow after me.
- What are you doing? - Danny can't go on living like this.
And I can't risk what will happen if they do.
It's time for me to go back and fix the mess I've made.
How? I'm going back to the Bureau.
Back to my old life.
- It's the only way, Danny.
- If I go back, I can throw 'em off your scent.
I can say I was deep undercover, tell them it took me a while, but I finally rid the world of the abomination that is Danny the Street.
I promise I'll give a better performance than this one.
You can't go back to that place.
If they get so much as a whiff of who you really are, they'll I don't care.
As long as everyone here is safe, I'll be okay.
Thanks for letting me stay over the rainbow, Danny.
It's the Bureau.
They're here.
Okay, Danny, I'm gonna start walking.
The second I step off the end of the block, you jump.
I'll cover you, okay? What? I gotta say, I'm with the street.
So then what do we do? Let's turn the party, girl.
You in? Look alive, gentlemen.
Jesus, look at this human trash here.
You know, Darren, men as old as you really shouldn't throw shade.
You might hurt your back.
Morris? My God! What the hell has this abomination done to you? Danny didn't do anything, except help me realize who I am.
What? No.
No, this is not who your are, Morris.
You're a man.
- This place, these people are - No.
You don't get to tell me or anyone else who they are ever again.
I am proud of the person I see in the mirror.
My face is beat.
My look is flawless, and I am dusted from head to toe.
The only thing I am not is scared of you.
Fan out, boys! I said Thanks, Danny.
You fucking freak.
Fabulosity incarnate stands before you, Darren.
Show some goddamn respect.
Like hell I will.
Didn't your mama tell you? Never lay your hands on a woman.
Go home, Darren.
And don't ever come back here again.
You go back to the Bureau, and you tell them Danny the Street is off limits.
Maybe I'll put you on our list instead.
I'm already on it.
Tell them Captain Trainor sends his best.
Every time, the dream is the same.
Somebody's welding me, except when the mask come up, it's Jennifer Beals.
Whoa.
Who? Bro What does it have to do with the rat in your head? Cliff, thank heavens you're still out here.
Jane wants to see you right away.
Keep it real, kid.
- No, it's no problem.
- - I'm happy to help.
- - Me, too.
- - You never told us how you know each other.
- Yeah.
- I'm fine.
- It's just, I could really use the Chief's help right now.
I'm scared.
I'm scared we may never get him back.
And I'm scared what might happen if we don't.
This may be a long shot, and I know Niles has his secrets, but if you could tell us anything that could possibly help us figure out what Mr.
Nobody's done with the Chief, then Yeah.
That's who took Niles.
- Please, Danny.
- I'm begging you.
We need him.
Was I that bad? Oh.
All right, open them.
What do you think, Cliffie? Uh, what the ever living shit is happening? Dougie and I are getting married.
Now? When you know it's right, why wait? Uh-huh, where's Jane? Jane means a lot to you, doesn't she? I can tell by the way she talks about you, that you mean a lot to her, too.
And I was thinking this wouldn't be a real wedding without someone to walk me down the aisle.
And, well, I know I'm not a cool, manic pixie dream girl like Jane is, but Cliff, would you give me away? What, are you fucking nuts? Come on, this is the most important day of my life.
What do you say? You have incredibly psychotic eyes.
- Ugh, just forget it.
- This is crazy, Karen.
- You can't marry this guy.
- "Crazy"? It's what I want.
And what about what Jane wants? Just back off, Cliff.
Babe, you okay? Mmm-hmm.
Holy shit! A robot for our wedding! - How cool.
- Back off, Dermot Mulroney.
Whoa, chillax, asshole.
- Oh.
- I think what you meant was Cliff, oh, my God! Just leave us alone.
No.
I have no idea what the hell's going on here, but I'm not letting you go through with this.
Not unless I know that Jane's okay with it.
- Okay, we're leaving.
- What are you doing? Let me go! You just let me go! You have no right to do this! Don't fucking touch me! I asked you people to do one fucking thing! Sorry, Dougie, wedding's off.
No! Oh, Dougie, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, baby.
I'm so sorry.
I would never hurt you.
Never hurt you.
I'm so sorry.
I I Help me! No! Dougie! Dougie, it's okay.
Hold on.
It's okay.
I'm still here.
I'm still here.
Let go of me, you motherfuckers! Jane? Jane, are you in there? Jane? Hey, Jane? I'm sorry, Jane.
Hey, it's me.
Jane! Come on, Jane.
Jane.
Jane.