Doom Patrol (2019) s01e10 Episode Script

Hair Patrol

1 NILES: Previously on Doom Patrol VIC: What's the Bureau of Normalcy? LARRY: It's a top secret government agency, run by a bunch of demented zealots.
They stomp out anything they deem to be aberrations.
CLIFF: Hey, it's me.
Jane.
Her brain activity's off the charts, and yet nothing.
Jane's in there somewhere.
[GASPING] CLIFF: What the hell happened here? BOTH: Long story.
CLIFF: If you're feeling homicidal urges, just give us a little heads up, all right? I said, shut up.
- I was trying to protect you.
- By lying? LARRY: How did Niles get involved with superheroes? Niles never said.
You know he has his secrets.
Niles and his secrets.
Sounds like you and I know two different Niles Caulders.
NILES: From the Journal of Niles Caulder, 4th of December, 1913.
We've set up north on an exploratory mission for the Bureau of Oddities.
Washington doubts our department's value, but I am eager to prove what we are capable of.
[COCKS RIFLE] Steady on, Alistair.
We're explorers, not mercenaries.
ALISTAIR: You tell that to the Turks that were just up this way about seven months ago.
Only one man returned.
Barely.
You know what he claims he saw? NILES: Those men were hunters.
We're not.
If this creature exists, there's no reason to believe it's gonna be of any danger to us.
In fact, it might mean us no harm at all.
[FIRE CRACKLING] [CHUCKLES] ALISTAIR: Oh, friend.
Anything that can survive this frozen hell absolutely wants to do you harm.
[GROANS] [GRUNTS] [GROANING] [WOLVES HOWLING] [WOLF GROWLING] [SNARLS] [RIFLE FIRING] You remind that wolf that you're an explorer, - not a hunter.
- You saved my life.
I thought I told you not to wander away from camp without - [GROWLS] - [SCREAMS] Alistair! ALISTAIR: Run! - [BONES SNAP] - [GROANING] [WOLVES HOWLING] [GRUNTING] [WOLF SNARLING] [GASPS] [GRUNTING] - [GROWLING] - [GASPS] [WOLVES WHINING] No.
Wait.
Please.
No.
Please.
- Please.
- [GROWLS] MRS.
FRANKLIN: Ernest, are you down there? ERNEST: What is it, Mother? We're out of Lean Cuisine.
I no longer require Lean Cuisine for sustenance, Mother.
I maintain my physique through a high-calorie ketogenic diet and mental focus.
- MRS.
FRANKLIN: I need you to go to the market.
- [SIGHS] What? Why? Why can't you go? MRS.
FRANKLIN: I'm watching This Is Us.
Fuck This Is Us.
MRS.
FRANKLIN: The keys are by the door.
- And don't forget to pick up more scratchers.
- [SIGHS] Mama! I'm very busy right now! Mom? Mom! Mom! [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS] Canned peaches are on aisle five, old-timer.
[CHUCKLES] [BAR CODE SCANNER BEEPING] That's for my mom.
That's for me.
We know all about your hemorrhoid cream preferences, Ernest Franklin.
Who the fuck are you? Try The United States fucking Government.
Bureau of Normalcy.
I'm familiar with your work.
No, you're not.
No, I'm not.
Normally, the Bureau operates in the shadows, entirely self-regulated.
But desperate times call for people like you.
People like me? One of our top agents, Darren Jones, failed to report in from assignment.
We believe that he had an encounter with the associates of a gentleman by the name of Niles Caulder.
We believe that a man of your talents can locate Niles Caulder and bring him in for questioning.
Do you think you can handle that? [SCOFFS] Prepare yourself, Beard Hunter.
You've been activated.
Mom? Where are my shuriken? MRS.
FRANKLIN: Check the dishwasher.
I told you, they're hand-wash only! Mom! I need your help, please! MRS.
FRANKLIN: What happened? You stuck in your costume again? It's not a costume! Fuck! Niles Caulder, I'm coming for you.
[GROANING] [BREATHING HEAVILY] [SNIFFS] [RETCHING] [GROANING] [EXCLAIMS] Who's there? [SCREAMING] [PANTING] [THUDDING] I am an Agent of the Oddities.
I am not afraid of death.
I am not afraid of death.
[SCREAMING] [TIRES SCREECHING] Yes.
VIC: There's absolutely nothing wrong with her.
Her brain activity's off the charts, and yet, nothing.
Jane's in there somewhere.
CLIFF: So how do we pull her out? VIC: I don't know.
Part of me wishes that we could just shrink ourselves Magic School Bus style, and get inside her head.
What? I'm just marveling at your embrace of the weird and utterly impossible.
CLIFF: What? Cliff? [RITA SIGHS] Cliff? - Cliff! - We get it, Rita.
Do you? Three people are unconscious now, and you're just, what, all good? What exactly is the plan here? I have no idea.
But whatever it is, looks like it's working.
RITA: Oh, really? Forgive me for having doubts, but what do we really know about this thing? What exactly are you? Well, I can see why Larry is so fond of you.
This never would've happened if the Chief were still here.
You're right.
He's gone.
But us standing around waiting for these three is not gonna change that.
Let's get back to work.
[BREATH SHAKING] Hello.
I'm Dr.
Niles Evelyn Caulder.
I'm I'm a research explorer from the Bureau of Oddities.
Please, I'm separated from my partner.
I You know I'm wounded.
I'm not a threat to you.
Please, those men up there, I'm not like them.
Those men are hunters.
I'm not a hunter.
I'm a friend.
[BREATH SHAKING] I'm very cold.
Please, could I Could I move a bit closer to the fire? I'm not gonna survive this, whatever your plans are.
[GROANS] I just wanna get [GROANS] a little bit warm.
[PANICKED SCREAMING] [GRUNTS] Please, stop.
I'm sorry.
[GRUNTS] [NILES SOBBING] [GRUNTS] [SIGHS] RITA: So Danny is a talking street? - VIC: Yeah.
- RITA: Where everyone is gay? No.
I don't know.
It's a place for all kinds of people.
And it travels? Not "it," "they.
" Danny's gender queer.
And they jump, yeah.
And "they" gave you a comic book? Look, when you get a comic book from a talking street named Danny, it isn't just a comic book.
It has to have some kind of clue.
Well, give it here.
Look, anything that gets us closer to finding the Chief, no matter how absurd or obtuse or dangerous, we have to use it to our advantage.
Talking streets, comic books.
I always thought the weirdest thing in Chief's life was us.
That's odd.
The hunk is missing.
VIC: What? Cartoon hunk.
The hunky muscle man in this advertisement.
Mmm.
I must've seen this ad a hundred times as a girl.
There's supposed to be a man there, but it's empty.
It's like he just walked out of the comic book.
[DOOR CREAKING] [WHISPERING] Oh, yeah.
Okay, easy.
Here we go.
Easy.
Okay.
Oh! Be smart now, Ernest.
A little bit goes a long way.
Mmm.
[GROANS] [SWALLOWS] [BURPS] [THUDDING] NILES: From the Journal of Niles Caulder.
I've spent weeks at the mercy of this primitive creature.
Finally, my strength has started to return.
This specimen seemingly exists in complete opposition to the modern world, entirely removed from mankind.
She would be the crown jewel of the Bureau's collection.
Oh, don't be alarmed.
My My leg is feeling better.
It's feeling good, thank you.
I'll be able to leave soon.
I'll have to go home.
Home I'll have to go.
Home! You could come with me.
[CHOMPING LOUDLY] Mmm.
[PANTING] My people would love to see you.
They'd take great care of you.
I'm never gonna leave here, am I? You didn't save me.
You kidnapped me.
I'm just your pet.
I'm a play thing to you.
That's what you think of me, isn't it? How dare you! I'm not a pet monkey! I'm not an animal! You're the animal! We are not animals! I'm not an animal.
Stay back.
Don't you come near me.
You've kept me here against my will.
You've bound my hands.
I can't! I will not These are not animals left to rot.
They are men.
They deserve a proper burial.
It's the right It's the Christian thing to do.
[NILES COUGHING] [GRUNTS] My God.
What is this place? Oh God, this is remarkable.
NILES: There appears to be even more to this strange creature than I'd originally assumed.
I'd always suspected that my captor was primitive, but I never considered what that truly meant.
This ancient culture, tens of thousands of years old by my estimation, was once a proud tribe.
But one by one, they faded away.
Except Unless my eyes deceived me, my captor had existed within this tribe for generations.
Every era.
The question was, how? Eternal life.
Something I never before considered possible.
Something I struggled to comprehend.
My mind raced with questions, but I could not find my voice.
I could only bear witness, and behold her.
[GRUNTING] Oyewah.
Oyewah.
NILES: Finally, I began to understand the nature of the creature I had found.
Mmm.
[BREATHES DEEPLY] [CREATURE GROWLS] [GROWLS] NILES: And then, in a single moment Oyewah.
[GROWLS SOFTLY] I realized that I understood absolutely nothing at all.
[HOWLING] [GROANING] It's really you! Cyborg! Yes, yes, the famous Cyborg.
Incredible.
- And you are? - Looking for one Niles Caulder.
Missing.
How do you know Niles Caulder? Oh, I know all about Niles Caulder.
I know how the Bureau of Normalcy is looking for him.
I know about his band of freaks, the race car driver, the basket case, the test pilot, the Hollywood actress [LAUGHS] And so much more.
I'm sorry.
Who are you, again? Well, I'm known by many names.
In Spain, they call me El Cazador de Barba.
My psyche profile, they call me a pogonophile.
But most commonly, those who dare speak my name call me the Beard Hunter.
[CYBORG SCOFFS] CYBORG: Okay.
The Beard Hunter.
So the Bureau of Normalcy hired [SCOFFS] the Beard Hunter.
Okay, what else do we need to know? If you're the Beard Hunter, why don't you have a beard? Hormone disorder.
Man, how do you know Niles Caulder? I consumed Niles' essence.
Fragments of his facial hair.
Still fresh.
- Ugh.
- CYBORG: Wait.
Hold up.
"Consumed his essence"? You didn't In the bathroom, did you eat Niles' drain scum? - Ugh.
- CYBORG: Why? What's a soggy piece of hair got to do with the Chief? [DISTORTED] What's hair got to do with the Chief? [SMACKING LIPS] [BUBBLE POPPING] You better back your ass up.
I'm sure you care very much about finding the Chief.
We all do.
But I'm not sure he can help you with whatever is wrong with you.
Help me? You really don't know him at all, do you? You think finding Niles will rescue you from your pathetic lives, but Niles Caulder is not the man he's led you to believe.
Niles Caulder is not your savior.
He's a false god.
Finding him will change nothing.
You'll still be nothing more than a broken football star and a washed-up actress.
Then just tell me why we should be listening to this crazy-ass lunatic we just found passed out in the bathroom? 'Cause I know the truth about Niles Caulder, and I know how to find him.
His beard calls out to me from across time and space.
I can hear its siren song.
That's my superpower.
My je ne sais quoi.
I can trace a man's beard anywhere it is, anywhere it has been.
Okay.
[THUDDING] [SMACKING LIPS] Okay, I'm done.
Never underestimate the power of the beard.
NILES: From the journal of Niles Caulder, date unknown.
After the funeral, I choose to remain and study the creature in her natural habitat.
She wields a psychic power with incredible potential.
What other wonders could she possibly unlock? Immortality.
A bridge to the unknown.
She is the ultimate discovery.
She represents all the Bureau of Oddities stands for.
[WOMAN GRUNTING] - Horkon.
- NILES: Horkon? - That's a new one.
- Horkon laka.
- Horkon? - Horkon.
- [ICE BREAKS] - [NILES SCREAMS] [GASPING] NILES: After that day, I fell deathly ill.
[COUGHING] [SIGHS] [COUGHING] [GRUNTING] NILES: Stay back.
I'm not well.
[WOMAN GRUNTING] [WOMAN GROANING] [EXCLAIMS] [GROANING] NILES: Were if not for each other, we would have perished.
Oyewah.
Oyewah.
[WOMAN GRUNTS] You are remarkable.
[BOTH MOANING] RITA: All right, that gentleman is clearly a nut muffin, but I think we should try to use him.
If he knows where the Chief is, that can help us.
Maybe we can co-star with him.
You mean "team-up"? Yes, that.
[SIGHS] If it helps us find the Chief, we have to follow it.
That's what you said, right? No matter what.
[EXHALES] [GROANS] [INHALING] Ah! All right, you're right, um - Okay, here's the plan.
- Mmm.
- We just let him go.
- What? Something tells me this Beard Hunter guy isn't much of a team player.
But we can track him, using this.
Impressive doohickey, Victor.
- But how are we supposed to track him? - [THUDDING] Hey! He hasn't told you yet, has he? What's wrong with him? He's been lying to all of you! Haven't you, Victor? Okay, Beard Hunter, you're, like, a nine.
I'm gonna need you to take it down to, like, a four.
It's too late, Cyborg.
I consumed a sample of your essence.
I'm inside your head now.
Facial hair connects me to the secrets of the universe.
It's the ultimate flavor savor.
All the memories, secrets, sandwiches A man's beard witnesses all things.
And only I can decode the language.
You wet the bed until you were six years old.
You killed your mother when you were 18.
When you were little, you called her "Cotton Candy," and she called you [YELLING] I know it all! Your facial hair connects me directly to the brain stem.
Sure.
[SHOUTING] ERNEST: Ha! Whoo! Just hit him already! Tell me, Cyborg.
Why would a man like Niles Caulder choose to live with a gallery of rejects like her? And why would he want you to join them? [CYBORG GRUNTS] Grid, diagnostic check.
What's up with my arm cannon? GRID: Unknown threat detected.
Host has been compromised.
- What? - Well, well, well Looks like I'm not the only one inside your head.
GRID: Initiating total system control.
What is he talking about? ERNEST: That's what you were told, right, Cyborg? The search for Niles Caulder would destroy you all.
- Just shut up! - Victor, what are you doing? - CYBORG: Grid.
- GRID: Weapons systems have been activated.
Grid, deactivate cannon.
- Here we go.
- I repeat [ALL SCREAM] [PANTING] RITA: What on Earth is wrong with you? CYBORG: There's nothing wrong with me.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING] Beard Hunter! Just admit it.
You'll never find the Chief.
You don't want to.
You're afraid of what you'll find if you keep looking.
You have no idea what you're talking about.
Actually, I've seen who you and Niles Caulder really are.
And the truth is [SIGHS] You're not gonna like the truth.
[RITA SIGHS] Oh.
Here he comes.
Grid.
Stand down.
I got this.
GRID: Host has been compromised.
System control has been deemed necessary.
Listen to the little voice in your head, Cyborg.
You're not in control.
- GRID: Target acquired.
- [CYBORG STRAINING] - GRID: Lethal force activated.
- CYBORG: Grid, stop! - GRID: T-minus five - Stop now! - Careful! - GRID: four, three, two - [CYBORG GRUNTS] - Stop! [PANTING] [LAUGHS] RITA: You could have killed them! Victor, shut it down! - I can't.
- [STAMMERING] "I can't.
" - Victor? - Victor? [PANTING] Voice Command.
Activate emergency shutdown.
Code word, "Elinore.
" [SYSTEM SHUTTING DOWN] Get out of here.
- I'm sorry? - RITA: Go! Look at me.
Look at my face.
I want you to always remember this.
Ernest Franklin, the man who defeated Cyborg.
I wonder, who will play me in the movie? [ERNEST LAUGHS] It's okay.
Just let him go.
NILES: Spring has sprung, and life is returning.
I have chosen to remain here in the north.
This is no longer a journey of scientific discovery but an exploration of something deeper.
Something within myself.
There is nothing but the hunt, nothing but the thrill and peril of survival.
It's liberating.
Days pass into months.
Months pass into years.
My old life fades.
My new life feels eternal.
I'll home to me parents confess what I've done And ask them to pardon their prodigal son And when they've caressed me as ofttimes before I never will play the wild rover no more And it's no, nay, never No, nay, never no more Will I play the wild rover No never no more Hello, old friend.
I can't believe you're alive after all this time.
[SIGHS] Did you know that I went to your funeral? - Hmm.
- [CHUCKLES] Niles, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have left you up here.
If anyone should be asking forgiveness, Alistair, it's me.
Those scars.
In fact, I should be thanking you.
I finally found where I belong.
ALISTAIR: You can't possibly plan on staying out here.
NILES: Ah, the Bureau will manage fine without me.
ALISTAIR: You've been gone a long time, Niles.
The world's changed.
We're at war.
A Great War.
Worst anyone's ever seen.
I didn't know.
We had no choice.
Organization had to change.
Mission had to evolve.
Odd is out.
Normal is in.
What does that mean? The mission.
We still seek out that which is abnormal, only now we exterminate.
You've been gone, Niles.
The world no longer needs explorers.
The world always needs explorers.
ALISTAIR: Tell me, how did you do it, survive out here? NILES: I was fortunate.
I found the bodies of those two missing hunters.
They had equipment, gear, enough for me to survive.
I foraged.
And I learned to hunt.
Winters were difficult.
I managed to find shelter.
Well, I sure had the wrong impression of you, Niles Caulder.
Your hairy little girlfriend.
She didn't have anything to do with your miraculous survival, did she? Don't deny it.
I've seen her.
I've been tracking her.
She's good.
Haven't found her nest.
[RIFLE CLICKING] Why don't you show me? RITA: What the hell happened back there? Just a glitch.
Victor.
Something's wrong.
With me.
Ever since my reset button got pushed, something's been wrong in my system.
And it's getting worse.
Did you ask your father for help? I can't trust my dad.
If I ask him for help, he would just take control of my whole system and never let go.
He's not like Niles.
He's, um I gotta handle this whole thing on my own.
What are you going to do about it, then? We can't keep blowing up the mansion every other day.
I can fix it.
I promise.
But don't tell anyone yet.
They rest of the team can't know.
They'll worry I'm turning into that psychopath in Jane's painting.
What are the rest of us supposed to do in the meantime? We need you.
We need the Chief.
As ridiculous as it sounds, our best chance of finding him just kicked my ass with some beard magic.
Thank goodness I was able to stick him with that tracking doohickey thing of yours before he got away.
You're kidding.
Mmm.
Rita Farr, you're amazing! Fix yourself up quick.
Once you're back online, we'll track down the Beard Hunter together.
[SIGHS] Thank you.
- [ELECTRICITY BUZZING] - [GASPS] - [GASPS] - [SYSTEM WHIRRING] [PANTING] RITA: Welcome back, Jane.
Give her some room.
CLIFF: What the hell happened here? BOTH: Long story.
What happened in there? CLIFF: It's not my story to tell.
I get it.
ALISTAIR: Fortunate.
That monster you and I were after all these years turned out to be nothing more than a hairy little troll.
After last time, I traveled north with half a dozen men for protection.
[CHUCKLES] Seems silly now.
How did you find her? She found me.
Bureau will give me an award for this one.
[ICE CRACKING] Both of us.
[ICE CONTINUES CRACKING] Did you hear that? Hear what? NILES: I believe the word is "Horkon.
" - [ICE BREAKING] - [ALISTAIR SCREAMS] [ALISTAIR GASPING] I'm not the man you remember.
Help me! - No one can know about her.
- Ah! She's my secret to protect from the world.
Help! Oyewah.
[SIGHS] [MEN CHATTERING] NILES: My journey to the north was fraught with peril.
It came at a great cost.
But I'm pleased to report to the gentlemen of the Bureau that, whilst my experience was unique, there is nothing odd to report.
There is no monster to speak of.
I was alone for many years.
But, in that time, I did make a discovery.
I discovered the strength inside myself to survive and to outwit and outlast whatever true monsters this world has to offer.
Thank you.
[ALL APPLAUDING] [LOUD APPLAUSE] Well, what do you know? Even I discovered something today.
Didn't know you've been eavesdropping on my memories.
MR.
MORDEN: Haven't you noticed? I'm crafting a story piece by piece.
"The Search for the Chief.
" This unexpected wet dream of yours, this is a very important chapter.
The day Niles Caulder changed forever.
Don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, don't you? Well, what did we learn? You murdered your friend and left your dream girl behind, all for what? True love? More secrets.
Hmm.
More layers to the banana, unappealing.
[SCOFFS] Secrets have a cost.
Look at what they've cost you.
Look at what the search for you has cost them, your band of bargain-bin action figures.
They're stronger than you think.
[SNICKERING] I'm counting on it.
But you and I both know, there's no way they all make it to the finish line.
You've always been a man comfortable with compromise, Niles.
I mean, after all, you fell in love with a Canadian.
Let's play a game.
Answer one question, and all this goes away.
You go home.
Yes, your precious family will survive.
There'll be chocolate cake, balloons.
Just answer one question.
Where is the girl? I don't know what you mean.
That's what all this has been about, hasn't it? All this time.
Your foolish quest to live forever.
All to keep her safe.
You're wrong.
You and I have been doing this dance for a long time, Niles.
I don't know how, and I don't know why, but, somehow, you've managed to keep a hairy little secret away from me, and I want the truth.
Where is she? Tell me! Think about what will happen to them if you don't No.
No.
I don't care what you do to them.
I will never give you the satisfaction of breaking me.
Now, that's the Niles Caulder that I know.
[SNICKERING] [SNICKERING ECHOES] - [VOICEMAIL BEEPS] - [ERNEST ON PHONE] Hey, Mama, it's Ernest.
My mission was a huge success, I guess I'm a legit supervillain now.
Anyway, been tracking Niles Caulder's beard here for days, but I'm getting closer.
I can smell it.
- All right, be home soon.
- [VOICEMAIL BEEPS] MRS.
FRANKLIN: Hi, Ernie.
Sorry I missed your call.
So exciting about the beard-hair thing.
Hope you're making lots of friends.
Anyway, I love you.
Come home soon.
Also, I need the car back.
Finally.
DOLL: Oh, hello, there.
Who are you? Have you come to play with me? I like your costume.
[CREATURE ROARING] [ERNEST SCREAMING]