Doom Patrol (2019) s04e07 Episode Script

Orqwith Patrol

- [ELECTRONIC VOICE] Intruders detected.
Intruders detected.
Okay, you need to help me
pick up this twat's scribblings
so that we can skedaddle.
Rita, I realize that you're having
some kind of a dis-associative
episode right now,
but would you please re-associate
and and fucking help me?
Bendy, please!
death squad report to cell block D?
Death squad to cell block D.
[WHISPERS] Death squad.
- [PA SYSTEM] Thank you.
- [RITA] Maybe we should.
Yeah, maybe.
But, how do we
Oh, I've got it. I've got it.
[ELECTRONIC VOICE] Intruders detected.
- Intruders detected.
Intruders detected.
Intruders detected.
[RITA] Can't you move any faster?
We're completely exposed here.
[LAURA] I'm a suitcase!
- [LAURA] Bloody ball sacks! We've got company.
- [RITA] Is it the death squad?
- [RITA] Shit! Shit! Shit!
[SQUAD MEMBER] Colonel Samsonite.
detected. Intruders detected.
[ELECTRONIC VOICE] Intruders detected.
So, how's that plan
coming along, Clifford?
[CLIFF] Got 'em right where I want 'em.
[VIC] What are you guys even doing here?
How about a thanks for coming
to help your captured asses?
[CLIFF] Technically, we only
came to get Jane's longevity back.
But we probably would've tried
to help you. If there was time.
[VIC] Right, sorry. Thanks for the help.
When did you plan on
starting, by the way?
With the helping. Just wanna
make sure I don't miss it.
[DERICK] Look, we're
all stuck in here now.
Maybe instead of picking at each other,
we can try to be more solution oriented.
Find a way how to get outta here.
Who's got ideas?
You telling us how to do superhero shit?
You fucking Boy Scout. [CHUCKLES]
- Don't fuck with our process.
- Yeah. [LAUGHS]
Welcome to my world.
Ay, but let me know when you
guys want a problem solved.
'Cause I have an idea.
[SCOFFING] What the fuck is that?
A rock.
- Oh yeah! Rock beats scissors, motherfuckers! [LAUGHS]
- Nice!
Not bad, for a normie.
Told ya I had 'em right
where i wanted 'em.
Let's go get my stolen longevity.
What about Larry?
Oh, right.
Ay, we got him.
[CLIFF] Sweet.
Smell you fools later.
[LAURA] Oh, my God. My
insides feel so weird.
Like my liver's where
my lungs should be.
Did you move anything around
when you were inside me?
We said we don't know that he's dead.
We don't know that he's not.
You know, when you kill a fly,
what do you see?
Bit of blood, some white goo.
Maybe a broken leg or two mixed in
with some crumpled wings
that may never fly again.
Point is, is that if he, you
know, he really had killed him,
then there'd be, you know, he'd have
left something disgusting behind.
Like blood.
Feces, droplets of urine sort of thing.
You mean, like this?
You know what? We should
just focus on something else.
Like this mountain of
papers we brought back.
Maybe there's something in here
that will tell us about this,
you know, Immortus fellow.
Um, we may have more
immediate fish to fillet.
[READS NOTE] Gone to
Orqwith for J's longevity.
And rescue Larry if there's time.
That's it. Larry's longevity, gone.
Well, we don't know that for sure.
It's Larry. Trust me, it's gone.
Cliff's officially the last
longevital man standing.
Uh-uh. And he's just marched his
metal tuchus into the lion's den.
We have to go after them.
- Does this note tell us how they got there?
- No.
It's a stupid note.
This is a stupid note.
Okay. Well, fine. Back to plan A.
We'll go through Wally's papers and, uh,
see if there's there's
a map or something.
Some kind of map that would
give us, um, you know
Best of luck to you.
Um, okay, where where are you going?
Upstairs. To quietly expire.
Right. Well, you go enjoy your nap.
Whilst I look at this shite
art. I mean, what the fuck?
[CLIFF] Okay, I get we're
looking for your longevity.
But what the fuck does your
longevity even look like?
[JANE] Fuck if I know.
[CLIFF] What do you remember?
Purple, wha That's it?
That's all you remember?
I was a fucking baby!
- [CLIFF] Oh, shit.
- [JANE] And there it is.
How the fuck are we gonna get past these
beauty school dropouts?
Also, how do they dress
themselves. Or pee?
Hey! Edward Scissorfucks!
Listen up, fuckos!
Back away from the lava lamp.
Or I'll fuck the tinman's
longevity into kingdom come.
- Tinman, really?
- Shut up, R2-dipshit.
That's my girl.
[WALLY] No need for that, friend.
[CLIFF] What the fuck?
You again?
I have something to
offer you, Mr. Steele.
A world of possibilities.
[CLIFF] Fuck's that supposed to mean?
It doesn't fucking matter because
we're not fucking interested.
- Yeah.
- So you can go fuck yourself into oblivion.
Fuck yeah!
Is that true, Cliff?
Are you not interested in seeing
the limitless potentialities
that Immortus has to offer you?
- Mm.
- A future, Cliff.
Which, from what I understand, you
don't have much of at the moment.
Fucking A right, he's not
interested. Tell 'em, Cliff.
- Err
- Cliff!
I mean, we could, just, you know,
just listen to the guy, right?
[JANE] What? What the
fuck are you talking about?
Hey, is that something?
[VIC] I know that blue
glow. That's Larry and Keeg.
[DERIC] So how do we
get around those guys?
[VIC] Man, I fucking hate those guys.
Can you drop some more boulders?
[DERICK] Nah, there's too many of 'em.
You wanna get to your boys,
we're gonna have to fight.
My arm cannon? Why'd you draw that?
Are you kidding me?
'Cause it's fucking dope.
Here, you take it.
Thanks, but I was thinking it
might look pretty badass on you.
- Oh my [LAUGHS]
Yo, this does feel nice.
So what about you? What's
your weapon of choice?
- Go away!
Does go away mean something
different in Scotland?
Yes, it means stop
being a silly old sausage
and help me build an
interdimensional portal to Orqwith.
I beg your pardon?
I found the schematics
in creepy Walt Disney's doodlings.
I also found the parts we need,
and a few we don't, if
you know what I mean.
Now all I need is Y-O-U.
Which spells you.
It's always best to
have a second set of eyes
when you're attempting to
rip a hole into space time,
that's what I always say.
The thing is, as it turns out, I'm
lousy at this superhero business.
And I'm far too busy feeling unmoored
and useless to build a portal today.
Oh, now, come on, Bendy.
That's not how I see it.
You know, we would've never
gotten into the Ant Farm
if it wasn't for you.
Where I proceeded to
erase out of existence
our best bet at finding information
on Immortus and
recapturing our longevity.
True. And we found a schematic,
which will get us to the place
where Immortus is being raised,
so we can find actual Immortus.
So let's get a-building, sister.
Whoa, there we go! And
she's back. Elasti is back.
How could you let me go
to the Ant Farm with you?
You insisted, remember?
But you're the leader. You should've
exercised better leadership.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Have you any idea how upset I was
when Wally was smooshed
out of existence?
You know, I was gonna rescue him
from the miserable life
that I sentenced him to.
Are you telling me I've ruined
your chance to redeem yourself
with the person you
ordered to kill my lover?
Whoa there, Nelly.
Let's just press that cancel
and continue button, shall we?
Because, you know what?
You and I were good.
We were on the path to goodness.
Remember? Little girls, holding
hands? Sweet as sugar pie?
Let's not let one little smooshy
hiccup take us two steps back.
What do you say? You know, we could
just take a deep, cleansing breath
and just, you know, release the tension.
I'm not feeling very in control
of my emotions right now,
so you might not want to
be in the same room as me.
In fact, I'm feeling a bit
bloaty, if you know what I mean.
- Do you want me to shut
- [YELLS] Shut the door!
[WALLY] I was miserable at the Ant Farm.
Imprisoned and forced to
create monstrous weapons.
That's when Niles Caulder introduced
me to the Immortus project.
Of course, Niles was
involved in this shitshow.
Fucking Niles.
He said there was a piece of an ancient,
immortal being somewhere in the world.
He wanted me to create a
creature that could sniff it out.
Like one of those corpse-sniffing dogs?
Yes, exactly. Very good, Cliff.
At first, I refused.
But then, he told me about
the girl with powers like mine.
He needed a piece
of this being to protect her.
It was a chance for me to
finally do something good.
What the fuck?
Months after, Niles returned to tell me
Peanut Butter was successful.
- The fuck's Peanut Butter?
- The donkey, dipshit.
- Oh.
- [WALLY] Niles showed me the piece
of this immortal being.
The Lord Immortus.
- That's when I saw it.
- What?
- Everything?
- Immortus can create new possibilities
for everyone.
All that's left now, is you, Cliff.
I want you to see for yourself
what I saw.
The possibilities.
I don't know what to say,
except fuck that, and fuck you.
You ready?
Hell yeah.
Who wants a taste?
Eat shit, you motherf
I'm all good, man. [COUGHS]
Get 'em, Vic.
- You okay, D?
- [GROANS] I think I broke my ass.
Not as easy as it looks, huh?
Nope. Ugh. Not like that at all.
- Here, take it.
- No.
What? What do you mean, no? Bro,
they're coming. Just take it.
I said no!
Is that Niles' longevity necklace?
It is. I got it from a fellow acolyte.
Touch it.
And see your possibilities.
Whatever. Touch the stupid thing.
So George RR Windbag
can shut the fart up
and we can get the fuck out of here.
Really? 'Cause a minute ago, you
told him to fuck himself sideways.
Do you wanna touch this weirdo's
shriveled up dick charm or not?
- Okay.
- Cool.
The fuck?
I got your back, D.
Put your weight on your
back leg to absorb the kick.
Use the top of the notch to aim.
Damn it!
Let's go get Larry.
Fucking hell.
Wow, she lives,
she moves.
Feeling better?
- How about now?
Okay, sulking begets more sulking.
So it's time you got
back on the proverbial.
I'm not sulking.
Just reached a realization, which
I'm embracing wholeheartedly.
Everything I touch turns to shit.
Not literally.
That would be disgusting.
But it In some
ways, it would be better
than how I actually turn things to shit.
Hmm, okay, well, you know Rita,
my personal track record
isn't that much better.
I have failed at most things I've tried.
Revenge against Niles. Joining
the Brotherhood of Evil.
Being a good friend to the only
people I've ever really cared about.
But the thing is, in life
you are either trying to head
up or trying to head down.
And sometimes just trying
has got to be good enough.
Now our friends are in
trouble, and I would rather fail
at trying to save them than
succeed at doing nothing.
When we were trapped in my movie
and you didn't try to save me,
was that you trying to head
up or trying to head down?
I wanted to help, but I couldn't.
I couldn't figure out how.
So, I had a few drinks to get
the creative juices flowing
and instead, I came up with creative
ideas on how to continue drinking.
But, um
You're right to remind
me of that failure, too.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
And sometimes I think that the universe
is conspiring to keep us enemies.
I was thinking maybe
we shouldn't let it.
Fuck the universe.
I don't know what the fuck this
is, but I'm glad you came with me.
I didn't want to come here, dipshit.
I was trying to gank
the longevity necklace.
For longevity, asshole!
Isn't that why we're here?
- What about Larry?
- Him, too.
What the fuck?
Paper goods, the worst aisle.
This is my world of possibilities.
Forget all this.
We need to get the hell out of here.
Is Rory with you?
- What?
- Dad, where the hell is Rory?
- Uh, oh
- Cliff, this isn't real.
Uh, he's not with you?
Does it look like he's with me?
You were supposed to be watching him.
- Cliff.
- Rory! Rory, honey!
What is this?
This is bullshit, is what it is.
- But but
- But but, this is a lie.
Okay? Don't get sucked in.
Dad, help me.
- Cliff. Don't
- Coming, sweetheart!
[DEREK] That was so dope!
Why would you ever wanna
give this hero gig up?
Hey, you know, Calvin and
Marcus could have seen us.
Man, bro. You still don't
know what this means to people.
You're right. I don't.
Back home, you were
bigger than Superman.
Yo, what's up, man?
Doesn't this mean anything to you?
Yo, man, I'm so sick
and tired of hearing
what being Cyborg means
to you and everyone else.
Do you want to know
what my tech meant to me?
It meant waking up from the
darkest, emptiest sleep I ever had,
to a body that I didn't even
recognize and a face that wasn't mine.
Yo, I lost everything.
My mom, football, girls, and my friends.
That's such bullshit.
You never lost us. You left us.
You really don't think
I wanted to see you guys?
That I needed you?
Shit, you was my family.
I couldn't even look myself in the face.
So how could I have
possibly faced y'all?
I didn't know.
I'm sorry.
Come on, man.
[VIC] Hey,
Vic and friend.
What What are you guys doing here?
C'mon, I know you wanna say it.
Bro, this is a once in
a lifetime opportunity.
Come with us if you want to live.
I don't think so.
Well, that that looks fucking
terrifying, is how it looks.
It looks like the door to a nightmare.
It does, it does, and we're
going to go through it,
like fucking morons.
Like fucking morons!
Not morons, like superheroes.
I've actually got something to tell you.
- Oh, God, that sounds serious.
- Mm-hmm.
It is It is quite serious.
By the way, um, I
you know when you would
treat me particularly poorly,
which was quite often
- Mm.
- I would do a secret naughty thing with your toothbrush.
I don't need to know. [CHUCKLES]
I would transform
myself into a wee beaver
with big beaver teeth,
big nasty beaver teeth,
and I would shove it right up my wee
I would shove it Shove it!
Right up my wee beaver-beaver.
[CLAPS] I see.
[SOFTLY] I'm so sorry.
Well, I suppose, um [CLEARS THROAT]
I have something to
confess to you as well.
Hmm. Is it? Is it about a toothbrush?
Wally isn't the first
person that I've killed.
Killed The Brain too.
Murdered, to be more accurate.
And I don't feel remotely bad about it.
I'm not feeling entirely
bad about Wally either.
And yes, I did watch him kill Malcolm,
but one would think that a normal person
would have more than
a pang of guilt, hmm?
Well but, who's to
say you're not normal?
Hey, who's to say?
killed a sleazeball producer.
[CLEARS THROAT] Again, accidentally,
and again, without much remorse.
Apparently, a superhero
doesn't make a habit
of killing people,
accidentally or otherwise.
So, it just all might have been
a fool's errand for me to
try to become one. [CHUCKLES]
Oh, all of this, why I keep
rambling on is just to say,
I am in no particular position
to have judged you so
harshly after all this time
when I am basically as
bad as you. [CHUCKLES]
As bad as me? Well, I
think you might be worse.
'Cause you are a fucking serial killer.
For fuck's sake.
Yes, you are.
You're a fucking serial killer.
I mean [MIMICS STABBING] you know.
What What is left to
do on this nightmare door?
We dab wacky Wally's green ink.
A little dab here and a
little dab there. [CHUCKLES]
- There could be anything
on the other side of this horrific door.
Our friends are on the other side of it.
Okay, after you, Ms. Wuornos.
- No, after you.
- After you.
- After you.
- After you.
[RITA] Wait.
Rory, come here, buddy.
- Rory? Rory!
- Cliff, stop!
This isn't real. None
of this is fucking real!
That's not your daughter.
We're not in Trader Blow's,
and you already know where Rory is.
I know it's not real.
But, it's my possibility, and I
wanna know what the fuck it is.
God damn it!
If you're going to be a fucking
idiot, well, can you at least
swing by the home goods aisle
and get a knife or something?
We're going to need it when
we get back to Dorkwith.
[MAN] That's fucking heavy.
Grab that.
I gotta touch you ♪
Cause baby we'll be ♪
- Rory!
- Shit.
In the old man's Ford ♪
Behind the bushes ♪
Till I'm screamin' for more!
More! More! Down the basement ♪
Lock the cellar door and baby ♪
He's all grown up.
What the fuck, Rory?
Are you trying to destroy
me? Because it's working.
- He's fucking perfect.
- Cliff, stop right-fucking-now!
He's only like this
when you're around, Dad.
You've undermined my
parenting at every turn.
And now my child doesn't respect me.
When has a fantasy sequence
ever worked out for us?
Rory! Rory!
What happened? Where'd he go?
He's right where you left him.
He's waiting for you.
And you can enjoy the formative years
of his life with sound body and mind.
But it's a possibility
only Immortus can provide.
- Argh.
What are you doing? Let's
get the fuck out of here.
[JANE] What? No!
You stupid metal asshole!
Don't do this! Don't
Don't hurt her.
Cliff, you know what this
means for the rest of us, right?
We're your family too, Cliff.
You fucking moron!
Rory needs you.
I need you.
God! Cliff, please!
something's happening.
Safe travels, fellas.
Larry, stop screwing around.
I'm not screwing around.
Look, you need to understand
that what Keeg saw in
the future was not good.
So not good that he'd rather
stay here in this phony hellhole,
if there's a chance we can avoid it.
And I cannot and will not let
another child of mine down.
I'd rather die than do that again.
Okay, look, this is important to Keeg
and you're trying to
be a good dad. I get it.
But something really not good is
going to happen right here, right now.
You're willing to risk your life
for Keeg's wish, and that's fine.
But are you willing
to risk his life too?
[SIGHS] Hey, pal.
- Come on, let's go!
Get up!
We can break free. We can still do this.
Please don't let this be the end!
I know I'm putting my faith
in a whole lot of nothing.
But, I'm doing this for you, Rory.
[WALLY] Can you feel it?
The time is upon us.
Immortus is nigh!
Hello! Is anybody home?
[LAURA] Someone order a rescue?
Oh, wow!
It's like a disco in here.
Ooh, hey, there's Cliffy!
Let's go rescue him.
Ooh yes, let's go get Cliffy.
- We are your Rescue Rangers.
- It's time to go, right?
It's too late. You can't stop it.
Stop that shit. Stop that shit.
- Nuts to that.
- Yes, nuts!
Who in the ginger fuck are you?
Father, you don't have to do this.
How can this be?
I never brought you to life.
No. You just drew me into an
endless war with my father.
She gave me life.
- Are you all right?
- What the hell are you doing here?
Are you Wally Sage?
You're the girl.
Niles' girl.
It's all come full circle.
This is meant to be.
- This is it!
Immortus is here!
CHANTING] Immortus! Imm
Oh, uh.
Did we do this?
I think I think we might.
We saved everyone! Yay!
Wait, wait, wait, what about the booze?
What about the booze?
Immortus is here!
Hey, you guys.
Isabel Fucking Feathers?
What the fuck?
Previous EpisodeNext Episode