Drifters (2013) s01e01 Episode Script


1 Get to the edge.
Get to the edge.
- Don't let go of me! - Absolutely let go! - Right, just step off, love, just do it.
- (MEG PANTS) Oh, God, no.
I I don't think I can.
- (MEG SCREAMS) - Go, Meg! Oh, you've done really well, mate.
(MEG WAILS) I think I've pooed my harness! # Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh # Oh, oh, oh-oh # I'm so excited # Oh, oh, oh-oh # Oh, oh, oh-oh # Oh, I'm getting frightened # Oh, oh, oh-oh! Oh, oh! Someday, someday, Leeds United.
I had an epitany.
Epiphany or epitome? - Well, they're two separate words.
- OK, so I had a moment on the plane.
Because I realised that I don't really know what I'm doing with, like, the rest of my life.
Do you know what I mean? Hardly ever.
But, yes.
Then I remembered what that visionary said to me on the beach before he sold me my crystal.
- Didn't he ask you for a handy? - Well, yeah, but he also said, "Ask the universe for what you want and it'll happen.
" - D'you want this? - Yes! This is weird.
Is that to carry your necklace? - (PHONE BEEPS) - Oh! Are you there yet, Gary? - Ohh! - Gary, are you there yet? - Ah! - Right, time's up.
What? I haven't finished.
Well, I have and I need to go.
- What about me? - Sort yourself out.
Oh! - Gary! What are you looking at? - Porn.
Do you know how insulting this is? I do all the same stuff that they do.
Oh, come on, Laura, you're not as dirty as the internet.
OK, so I've asked the universe to bring me to my calling.
- What, Leeds? - Showbiz, Meg.
What do you want? I want to know why my ex-boyfriend is standing out there.
OM-Jesus, it's Mark.
Why would your mental ex-boyfriend - be out there? - Because he's mental? I wonder if he still wears your underwear.
I'm way too jet-lagged to deal with this.
Help me.
I can ask the universe, but it's not always instant.
- A sane suggestion would be great.
- OK What are we going to do? That's a question.
We're gonna do what all rational adult women would do in this situation.
- What's that? - Hide.
# Whoo-hoo # Yee-hoo # Whoo-hoo # Yee-hoo # Whoo-hoo Yee-hoo Oh, look, there's Laura! Go! Go! Laura! Hi! Get down! All right? - Hi, mate! - Why are we hiding? - Have you nicked summat? - No, Mental Mark's over there.
- I thought you broke up.
- We did! I'm very single now.
- You'd never have known it out there.
- Oh, what, because I wasn't getting fingered by every single tour guide in southern lndia? I've missed this.
Do you want me to deck him? No, we're just gonna leave the airport hiding behind this trolley.
- Right you are, then.
- # Whoo-hoo, yee-hoo Whoo-hoo, yee-hoo OK, coast's clear! (MEG SIGHS WITH RELIEF) (ALL CHEER) Thanks for picking us up anyway, mate.
We bought you this in lndia.
Guys, I fucking love it.
So, where have you parked? What? I got the bus.
You're right, he shouldn't be looking at porn - it's degrading to women.
Not arsed about that.
I just don't get why he needs it.
He's got this.
But you can't compete with the internet, Laura, these women are professionals.
So am I.
Professional means you get paid.
Oh, right.
Well Anyways, I'm gonna show him.
I've got a sexting mission under way.
How d'you spell tongue? I can't wait to go straight to bed.
Don't be a boner, mate.
We're going out.
Well, I'm not drinking, I've still got two Valium in my system.
So, you have been to sleep.
No, Meg is the only person in living history to have taken Valium and then had a panic attack.
I'll say it again - how can you be sure it was Valium when you bought them from a rickshaw driver? Oh! Gary's stepped it up a gear.
How d'you spell fisting? I've got a really good feeling about this summer.
- (CORK POPS) - (CHEERING) - Well, this is wonderful! I am thrilled.
- Oh! Thanks, Mum, it's good to be back.
And I would like to propose a toast to our clever son, James.
Or should I say, James Keswick, Executive Account Manager and proud owner of an Audi? What? Aren't you going to uni? I don't need a degree.
I've been head-hunted.
So, cheers to PPI and to Mum and Dad for supporting me.
- Aww! - Congratulations, son.
Well, I would like to propose a toast to me and Bunny for going the whole way round some of lndia without getting killed.
We only had to go to the embassy once when Bunny lost her passport and it was actually fine cos it was in my bum bag.
- Well done, guys.
- (DOOR CLOSES) Oh, there he is! Give Mark a hand with that, please, James.
Who? Oh, great, now we're all here.
- Meggles! I came to the airport - Did you? What are you doing here? Well, I work for your dad now.
I tell you what - that lad really knows his stone.
And, I I wanted to see you.
- D'you wanna come upstairs? - Yes, please! I think we should talk.
We'll just be in my room.
- Ooh! - Well! - Why is my room a walk-in wardrobe? - Didn't you know? No.
What the f?! Where am I supposed to sleep? It looks so different.
It's crazy to think this is the room where I took your virginity.
Yeah, not as crazy as saying that in this situation, Mark.
Oh, you silly, pretty thing.
Come here.
I've missed you.
Yeah, look.
I'm really sorry about everything.
Are you OK? Yeah.
Look, I know you want your space, and I respect that.
- Yeah, but I didn't want - But there's something I want - Sorry.
- You go.
- No, sorry, you go first.
- OK, well, here goes! Oh, God, please don't be a poem.
- No.
I want - Us to still be friends, yeah.
- No, no, I want - Closure, l know.
I really don't think we should be having break-up sex, Mark.
I want you to move in with me.
- What?! - I've rented us a flat in Headingley.
In case you're wondering where all your stuff is.
I love you.
Oh, my God.
Um I suddenly feel very jet-lagged, Mark.
I'm just gonna lie down.
On these bags.
He's not my boyfriend! He's a deluded, emotionally unstable psychopath! I don't wanna be near him, let alone living with him! She's very tired.
MEG: Er, well, I changed our relationship status on Facebook.
If that isn't breaking up with him, I don't know what is.
He tried to cut all my hair! STEREO PLAYS: (# BRUNO MARS: Just The Way You Are) I think I'll go back to the new pad.
Tell her I'll see her there.
Bye, Mark.
- See you, Mark.
- Laters.
What am I gonna do? Well, you're a grown-up now, Meg, move out.
I haven't got any money, have I? Well, you could get a job, like your little brother.
I don't want to go back to handing out flyers.
I've got a degree now.
And, technically, I've still got six months of my year out left.
Yeah, how many more of these years out d'you think you'll need, Meg? Haven't you had your fun now? India was a cultural, educational experience, Dad.
It wasn't just about mucking around having fun.
Yeah, I've seen the bungee jumping video.
JENNY: I think you need to make a plan.
I had a plan.
Live here until I get a cool, arty, media-y job.
I can't live in a wardrobe, can I? Yes, and we can't afford to support you here any more.
Well, why don't you just sell one of these bags? That's a month's rent.
Is it? She's joking.
- She can sleep on the sofa.
- Oh, thanks(!) Fine, but she's paying rent.
What?! You're 24, Meg.
It's time you started acting like it.
I so totally am acting like it! Ooh.
- Hi, roomie.
- I thought you'd gone, Mark.
- I waited for you.
- You really did, didn't you? Shall we, er go back to our flat, Meg? - Absolutely not.
- We're going pub.
- Are we? - Not you.
Look, I really just need some space, Mark.
Where are you going? - I don't know.
- D'you want a lift? Yes.
(HORN BEEPS) (MULTIPLE HORNS BEEP) Put your foot down, Mark! I wanna get there before next summer! Sorry, but I'm transporting something fragile and precious.
What marble? No Meg.
LAURA: Right, we're getting out here! - Wake up, Meg.
- I don't want to wear lost property, sir.
Maybe she should just come back to our place now.
(YELLS) Meg! Oh, God! Please tell me this is a dream.
BUNNY: Well, sort of more of a nightmare, love.
Shall I park the van and meet you in there? Just go home, Mark.
Nobody wants you here.
Thanks for the lift.
Well, he's persistent, I'll give him that.
- I can't get rid of him.
- He's like thrush.
Yeah, well, he definitely needs clinical treatment.
You need to eradicate.
Do you want me to put a word in with the universe? - Fuck the universe! - What's the matter, Meg? Are you upset because you're homeless? Yes.
And because your mental ex-boyfriend wants you to move in with him? - Yes.
- And because you're unemployed? I hadn't actually thought about that, but yes, also a huge problem.
Thanks very much, guys, great chat.
- LAURA: I'll get the shots in.
I've done it all.
I'm out of ideas, to be honest.
Oh! I know.
Bukake! B-U-K-A-K-E.
Can't you just send him a picture of your boob? He's already got the whole range, inside and out.
I just hate the idea of not being dirty enough for him.
Darling, you don't have anything to worry about, you're absolutely filthy.
- Am I? - Mate, seriously, you're a total dirtbag.
- You are.
- Stop it, you'll give me a big head.
- Oh, hello! Mind if I watch? - MEG: Malcolm.
- LAURA: All right.
- Thanks for coming to my party, girls.
Oh, yeah, that's that's why we're here.
- Do I get a birthday kiss? - No.
- Oh.
- This is my cousin, Bunny.
Remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
Right, are you saying you're going to rape her? No, just chatting her up.
Well, I think you can see we're all very aroused.
- Bunny, this is my boss, Malcolm.
- Er former boss.
Got too big for it, didn't you, Mrs Qualifications? Yeah, actually, about that Er, I thought you said you had meningitis, Laura? I feel better now.
I'll be back in tomorrow.
Good, because you'll be promoting the all-new bestselling tranket - it's a travel slanket.
That is far too many made-up words in one sentence.
Er, what's made-up about tranket? It's travel, plus slanket.
What's made-up about that? Er the slanket bit.
That's just blanket plus sleeve.
I thought you had a degree! Fat load of good that's doing you.
Er yeah, I meant to ask, actually, Malcolm Well, I've reserved us a table, come join the party.
You've met my mum, haven't you? Right, Gary is gagging for it.
Get the drinks in.
- It's your round.
- Right.
Can I borrow some cash? Why don't you just ask the universe to get us some drinks? Fine.
I will, actually.
- (WOMAN MOANS ON LAPTOP) - (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Gary? What are you doing? What's that noise? Er it's One Born Every Minute.
Gary, I know what you're doing and you'd better start fucking behaving yourself, because I am capable of messing you right up.
You'll be begging for my forgiveness, you piece of dirt.
Oh, yes, Laura! I love it when you get angry.
Do you? Is this turning you on? Malcolm! Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
- So I was wondering if I could have my old job back.
I thought you said this work was demoralising, underpaid and humiliating? It is and I would like to do it full-time, if possible.
You said you wouldn't do it even if you were desperate and that you'd rather starve.
That doesn't sound like me.
Well then, take it back.
- Oh, come on.
- Take it back or I can't take you back.
I'm sorry I said it was demoralising.
- It's not.
It's - It's important.
- We're fuelling the economy.
- Well - Um - OK, we're fuelling the economy.
It's important, valuable work and I would be lucky to work for you.
- What do you think? - Right, well, I think that it is actually not my decision, it's the area manager's, so you're gonna have to ask him.
Fortunately for us all, he is here somewhere.
Right, what are you wearing? Do what I say, I'm in charge, you dirty knobhead.
Slide your trackies off.
One Panty Dropper.
Thank you, universe.
I've just been bought a drink and offered a job as a model.
Who here has offered you a modelling job? That guy.
I told you I had a good feeling about this summer! He's nice! See, I am mystical as fuck, Meg.
All my dreams are coming true.
I've travelled the world, I've got a job in showbiz.
Soon I really will be mixed race! I love me! Er Meg, may I introduce you to our new area manager, Josh Steele.
- Yes, you may.
- Hello.
Malcolm, this is Bunny.
She'll be joining you on the new tranket promo.
- What? - What? No.
I'm a model.
You said modelling.
Yeah, modelling the tranket.
Think of yourself as a sort of human mannequin.
- Welcome to our world! - Human mannequin? - Showbiz! - Drinks? Yes, please, I do.
Don't forget, you need to go and eradicate Mark.
Sorry, what's that? I couldn't hear anything over how fit he is! My turn to flirt my way into a job offer, thanks.
Don't mind if I do.
We're gonna do this now, in this toilet, like animals, because that's all you're worth to me.
Put your hand down your pants.
Feels good, doesn't it, you mong? I'll call you what I like, cos I'm getting nasty.
Don't you speak no more, I'll do the talking.
I'm absolutely sick of your whinging, annoying voice.
You speak really slowly, like that.
And you stink.
You need a new deodorant, it don't work.
And you've got bad teeth and you've got bad breath.
You've got no muscles.
And I hate that mole on your neck.
And your ball hair's too long.
And you've got shit taste in clothes and shit taste in music.
And you're going bald at the back.
And you're lazy.
What d'you mean, it's not sexy any more? No, I'm hanging up.
Laura 1, internet 0.
(WOMAN MOANS ON LAPTOP) - Another? - Please.
I'm quite drunk now.
Bit jet-lagged, I think, actually.
Promo's so much fun.
I really love it.
Well, the tranket has just been such a gift.
I mean, it is such a great product and we have really increased the sales figures.
I mean, JTL Promotions are very impressed.
And, of course, Malcolm's a great team leader.
Is this a joke? I bet you just get away with saying anything cos you're so fit.
I think what the customer really enjoys is a fully integrated, experiential marketing strategy.
I mean, we really get people talking about the brand because the whole promotion is an experience.
Not to mention the social media campaign that we've already (CLEARS THROAT) Meg? - Meg? - Meg! (MEG SNORES GENTLY) - I'll take it from here.
- Who are you? I'm her boyfriend.
Come on, Meggles.
Let's get you home.
Shall I, er give you a hand? Fit! JOSH: Sorry.
# I've been really tryin', baby # Tryin' to hold back this feeling for so long # And if you feel like I feel, baby # Then come on, oh, come on Ooh - Oopsie.
- # Let's get it on # Ah, baby Let's get it on (GASPS) What the hell are you doing, Mark?! Where's Meg? Oh, she, er, fell asleep and then her boyfriend came to pick her up.
Oh, my God! He's kidnapped her, the freak.
Go! Are you breaking up with me? How can I break up with you, Mark? We're not even together! I thought you were just playing hard to get.
That's how you interpret "zero written or verbal contact for six months"?! So, this relationship's just a one-way street, is it? It's a fucking cul-de-sac, Mark! But all your stuff's here now.
I had it all dry-cleaned.
Where's the rest? - Upstairs.
- Upstairs? I honestly wouldn't put it past him to do something really sick.
Oh, my God! This is all my fault.
I asked the universe to end it between them, but not like this.
Poor Meg! Ooh! It's bigger than you'd expect, isn't it? It's quite nice up here.
Well it was gonna be our guest room.
- Well, you could get a housemate.
- Could do.
- Was that a juicer downstairs? - Yeah.
So where are you gonna live? Don't know.
D'you want to get back together? - No! - D'you want to live here? Yes, please.
But it's still over, Mark.
Shall I make you a summer fruit smoothie? Yes, please.
It's way too quiet in there.
What if he's killed her? (DOOR SLAMS) Er Mark? Mark! (# TAKE THAT: Back For Good) (WHIRRING) I don't like the sound of that.
(MUSIC VOLUME INCREASES) Mark? Mark! # Whenever I'm wrong Just tell me the song And I'll sing it - Give me that.
- Well, will the universe help us? In a way.
# I want you back # I want you back for good # Unaware but underlined I figured out this story (MUSIC STOPS) (KNOCKING) - Drop the knife or I'll break your face! - I haven't done anything! - Where is she? - In the loft.
Oh, you sick bastard! - She likes it up there.
- Help! Help me! I can't get out! Oh, I didn't think she was locked in - Jesus Christ! - Laura! - What about my karma? - Just keep him down.
OK, I'm gonna have to sit on you, Mark.
OK? (HE GROANS) - Meg, it's Laura.
Are you all right? - Laura, hi! Yeah, everything's fine.
- Hi, Meg! - Yeah, hello! - Can you just let me out, please? - Right.
How? - I don't know.
Ask Mark! - I can't, we're not really talking.
- Why not? - I sort of twatted him over the head with a rock, like.
- It's a crystal! - Oh, bloody hell, Laura! Mark! Can you let me out, please? I can't! Bunny's sitting on me.
I'm in quite a lot of pain, but I'm confusingly aroused.
Ohh! Hi, guys.
Are you OK, Mark? - Meg, tell 'em.
- Everything's fine.
He just put a blanket over me and I fell asleep.
Like a beautiful budgie.
LAURA: Have you dumped the freak, then? - I am here! - Don't care.
Yes, we've broken up properly, haven't we, Mark? Yeah for now.
- Right, well, let's get off, then.
- MEG: No.
See, the thing is, yes, we've split up, but Actually, I've already moved in.
Shut the front door.
Meg, did he or did he not convince himself he were in a relationship with you, abduct you and trap you in his loft? Yeah, he did all of those things, - but - Argh! Laura, please stop hitting him with a rock! - Crystal.
- LAURA: I know what this is.
- it's that Denmark Disease.
- I think you mean Stockholm Syndrome.
And, no, I'm not in love with my captor.
I'm just using him - for somewhere to live.
- Meg, this is a terrible idea, it's one of your worst.
He's got a juicer! How can you afford this? Aren't you meant to be unemployed? Girlfriends don't have to pay rent.
I'll be paying, Mark.
All-new tranket.
Detachable headrest and comfort earplugs.
Drown out the sound of the wife! Malcolm, you can't say that.
Or civil partner.
So, um, all the features of a traditional blanket plus sleeves, but with a blow-up headrest and eye mask attachment.
70% polyester - very sensual to the touch.
Did you ask the universe to make you look like a massive twat? Am I pulling it off? It looks like a Jedi's fucked a bushbaby.
In a hot way? Got a really good feeling about this summer.
(# GWEN STEFANI: Sweet Escape) # I would, but first of all let me say # I must apologise for acting skank and treating you this way # Cos I've been acting like sour milk fell on the floor # It's your fault You didn't shut the refrigerator # Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold # If I could escape # And recreate a place that's my own world And I could be your favourite girl