Drifters (2013) s01e02 Episode Script


1 .
but apparently that is classed as prostitution.
Right, come on, get to work! We're being inspected by a mystery shopper today, that might be him.
STOP! We're the price plan police, do you have mobile phone insurance? No.
What are you going to do, arrest me? We're not actually the police.
But I am a real phone.
Really? I like your shoes.
Thank you.
Understated, I think.
Are you an Si-600 smartphone? Yes! What are your best features? Um I know this.
Something about a price plan? I've have buttons.
I ring.
Going to have to check that.
What's your number? What? My actual number? You don't work for the phone place? I work in that office building.
I've been watching you all morning - not in a creepy way.
So, can I have your number? MY number? HER number? Yeah! "Beg?" Eh, please ring me? Oh, no, Meg! Nick.
Nick! Never dated a phone before, but do phones eat dinner? Yes, we love dinner.
Tonight? Tonight? Well, I was supposed to be staying in and looking at photos of cats on the internet but, OK then.
See you later then.
Get back to work.
I will! Bye.
Pinch me! Ow, Bunny! I can't believe we're dressed like stripograms and you're the one who's getting the date.
Maybe he's into phone sex.
I've been dying to say that.
Well, I mean, he's obviously not shallow.
I could be anything under here.
I could have a willy or three tits.
Or no tits.
Imagine that.
Whose go is it in the phone? I thought it was dead itchy in that suit this morning.
Oh, shit, I hope I've not got scabies back again.
Sorry, you think you've got? Scabies.
It's a bit like lice.
Right, well, is it contagious? What you saying long words at me for? Right, I want to get out now.
Hiya, Janet.
Hiya, Laura! Oh, hiya, Laura! Hiya, Laura.
Hi, sweetheart, how are you? Your usual is it? No, not the morning after pill, I think me scabies is back, Janet.
Let's have a look.
Yep, that's scabies.
Those little mites are laying all their eggs right under your skin.
Is it an STD or something? Can be.
It's very contagious, you can get it just from sharing clothes.
Do you want the cream in case? Yeah, I might have caught it.
Um, £14.
I haven't caught it.
Aww, Laura, you poor love.
Take this, on the house, seeing as you're such a good customer.
Come back if you need any more.
Thanks, Janet.
Chin up, love.
I don't feel very well either.
What's the matter, love? Erm, I think I have got depression.
Since when? OK, well, have you got any symptoms? I don't have any motivation and I feel very sad and hopeless and sometimes I want to harm myself and/or others.
Leave it a couple of days, come back if you're not feeling any better.
I will do.
Ah, bye, girls.
Bye, Laura.
Can you fetch the disinfectant, please, Anita? Not doing very well at work? Yes.
Difficulties at home? Yes.
Google is not a doctor.
It's the NHS website so in a way it is.
Do I find it hard to make decisions? I don't know, do I? You're just bored.
You are being really mean to me, considering I might have a clinical illness.
It's telling me to call an ambulance now! Here, I'm the sick one.
Can you rub this on my back? I can't, I'm too depressed.
God, this place is like a walk-in centre.
That cream smells of petrol and not in a good way.
Bloody hell, I want to go out tonight.
Should you really be going out with scabies? I reckon I can cover up the smell.
So are you going to tell Gary you've got a contagious infection? No, he'll think I've cheated on him.
Have you? Well, yeah, but Then you'll have to tell that guy as well.
No, it just says your partner.
I don't think the scabies mites only lays eggs when you're "properly going out.
" So I've got to tell all of them then? Can I borrow your phone? I've not got enough credit for that.
So how are you feeling about your hot date, Meg? Confident.
He knows I'm currently employed as a jumbo telephone and he still wants to meet me, so I'm guessing his standards are pretty low.
OK, so have you ever read Weapons of Mass Seduction? No, but I ordered it online along with my whip and handcuffs! Sarcasm - that's what it says.
Men hate that.
Oh, yeah, cos I'm TOO sarcastic! Oh, I see what you mean.
What else does it say? Men like dating versions of themselves.
Wicked! Can I wear my trouser suit? No, darling, rule number one, match his opinions.
Also, order something exotic to eat and you'll be at first base before dessert, Meg! First base, as in holding hands? You're not really supposed to kiss on the first date, are you? No, it's "everything but", isn't it, Laura? Don't do dates.
See if I really like him I will give him a blowy.
Yeah, not really a fan of those.
Oh, God, I bet you're all teeth.
You just haven't met the right cock yet.
Some cocks are just very suckable, you want to dive right in.
Yeah, I think we're getting a little bit ahead of ourselves.
Plus I might have skin lice so OK, definitely DON'T mention the scabies.
That's not in the book.
That's just my opinion.
Which I agree with.
Rule number one.
Well done! Oh, I love date training! I'm so excited! Yet, so depressed.
Maybe I'm bipolar.
Hi, it's Laura.
You've got scabies.
It's Laura, you've got scabies.
Hi, it's Laura Um, so, what's your favourite swear word? Ooh, er cock.
I like cock.
Pfft! Bit forward for a first date.
Yes, what I mean is, the penis-based swear-words are good.
Right! What's your favourite lady nether word? Beaver.
Beaver's good.
I like minge.
It's not the best one though, obviously.
Huh? Yeah, right.
That's my favourite one.
Shall I say it? Please don't say it.
I'm going to say it.
Please don't say it.
I'm going to say it.
CUUNNT! What? Oh, you're not one of those? Oh, come on! Sorry, I just really hate that word.
Salmon? And the oysters.
Oysters? You're brave.
Well, I'm very exotic, you see.
Nice? Mmmmm! Did you just spit that out? No.
It's how you're supposed to do it.
So, where do you live? Headingley.
Me too.
I live with my mental ex-boyfriend.
Shall I change the subject? Yeah.
So my friend Laura has this infection.
What kind of infection? Well, it's a bit like lice, sort of like tiny little mites and they burrow under your skin and lay eggs and there's a really inflamed rash.
The best bit was when we were in the pharmacy and Sorry, can you just stop pouring water all the time? I've just had one glass of water which you poured, I'm adequately hydrated.
Just doing my job.
Well, do it better.
Where was I? I might be getting scabies any day now, is what I'm saying.
What? It's not an STD necessarily.
It CAN be sexually transmitted but I didn't want to say that because I didn't know whether we were gonna or not.
Do you want the bill? Yeah.
Princess Di called, wants her suit back.
This is your fault by the way.
If you didn't have scabies I wouldn't have been talking about it.
I told you specifically not to talk about it.
Should you even be out, Laura? I've put make up over the top, not like anybody knows.
How much perfume have you got on? It's air freshener.
The men of Leeds are in for a treat tonight.
Is this place even worth the wait? It'll cheer you up, I've seen some right 10s going in.
See? Uh? Don't, Meg.
No, he can't do that.
You can't do that! Excuse me! There is a queue! You can't just swan up to the front, "Ooh, I'm macho, I'm a Leeds wanker.
" No, it doesn't work like that.
Actually, we're just here for a private party.
And I'm not from Leeds, I'm from Bingely.
As you were.
Eddie's party yeah? In you go, mate.
Actually, we're here for that party too.
Whose? Eddie's.
Just go to through to function room.
We're gate-crashing, this is what gate-crashing feels like! I feel so alive! Hi! Hi there! Yeah, we're here for Eddie.
Free drinks! Get in! Oh, yes, buffet!, I'm starving.
Boom! What's that cake? It's a quiche! Is everybody looking at us? No.
I think we're blending in.
I'm bored.
Full of ponces in here.
We need to stay for at least as long as the free drinks last.
I really need to scratch my arse.
Just don't attract any attention.
We need to come up with a back-story, like, "We were in a short film with Eddie.
" Oh, right, because he's an actor now? What a terrible idea.
Let's just not talk to anybody.
Hi, were you the girl who shouted at me in the queue? Sorry, my mistake.
So, how do you know Eddie? Meg went to university with him.
Oh, right, did you do Maths? Yes, she did.
Bit of a brain-box, are you? Er, yes.
It's not just adding up and taking away.
No, it's angles, it's fractions, it's finding the root.
Well, I'm Eddie's brother.
I visited him a couple of times, I remember you lot were party animals.
Yeah, well, that's Maths.
Let's just say we were very good at "dividing our time.
" Amazing.
Barney, by the way.
I'm surprised we've never met.
Hmm, it's weird.
So, what do you do? I'm an accountant.
Like Eddie.
Oh, yes, I love the animal game.
OK, er, you look a bit like a swan! The only bird with a penis.
Well, no, a female swan.
Er, what would Eddie's animal be? Eddie Bird of prey? Yeah, yeah, he looked a bit like an eagle.
Eddie the eagle! Barney? Are you OK? Yeah.
I'm sorry, I just miss him so much.
Why did he have to go and kill himself? OK, I'm just going to get you some tissues.
Yeah, sorry.
Laura? Listen to me.
Eddie is dead.
You are dancing at a wake.
Oh, right.
Got ya.
I am in touch with my emotions so I have been able to self-diagnose acute depression.
Bunny, can I have a word? Actually, Meg, I'm having a really serious conversation about my illness.
Meg doesn't think I have anything to be depressed about and that I'm just attention seeking.
I really need to talk to you.
Bunny, listen to me.
I've found something out, it's pretty bad.
It wasn't my fault.
How was I supposed to know he was underage? OK, not that.
Oh, good.
This party we're at, the one we've gate-crashed, Eddie's party.
He's not worth it, love! Shh.
Listen to me.
Eddie is fucking dead.
Killed himself.
What, just now? No! We're at a wake.
Oh, my God Eddie! Why? Oh, poor Eddie.
Who we didn't know.
I've been asking where he is all night.
Right, we have to leave.
No! I think we should stay and pay our respects.
Plus, it'll be really good for me to be around similarly depressed people.
Are you trying to cry? Oh, God.
It's Nick from the date.
What does he want? "Sorry I left so abruptly.
I completely overreacted.
"Do you want to meet tomorrow?" Second date, high five! Meg, inappropriate.
Let's get out of here.
Meg! I've been looking for you, I need to talk to you.
Please, don't leave me.
I don't want to be alone, not tonight.
Will you come home with me? Erm Meg, Bunny says she's not ready to go yet.
Something about a tribute.
Every night in my dreams I see you, I feel you That is how I know you go on I can't take much more of this.
Let's go.
Meg! Meg! Don't go.
Look, Meg, meeting you tonight, it was meant to be.
Come back to mine, please.
It's what he would have wanted.
For Eddie? .
and far Wherever you are Yeah.
For Eddie.
Let's get a cab.
I haven't got any money.
You accountants, you're all the bloody same.
This is taking sympathy shag to the next level.
Once more You open the door.
Oh, yeah! Are you OK? Yep.
Are you thinking about Eddie? Er, no.
Are you? Not any more.
You make all the pain go away.
Really? Must be pretty good, then? Please don't stop blowing me.
It'll set me off again.
No, OK, shh.
Down we go.
Oh, yeah, you're amazing.
Oh, God, I'm going to come, I'm going to come for Eddie.
Eddie!! Thank you.
I could stay awake Just to hear you breathing.
You're incredible.
I feel so much better.
Awesome me.
We can crack on again in a minute.
I'm just going to call the girls, let them know I'm not dead.
That was the wrong thing to say.
But you are asleep anyway.
I don't want to close my eyes I don't want to fall asleep Cos I miss you, baby And I don't want to miss a thing Cos even when I dream of you Laura, I'm a legend.
I found the right cock! No, he's all over it.
I'm amazing at blow jobs, what can I say? No, he's stopped crying.
I don't know, I think I've blown him back together! Yeah, OK, come and meet me.
All right, I'll send you a drop pin, laters.
Oh, fuck.
What? Have you left this room? Has anybody seen you? Well, I've been to the toilet but there was no-one else in there.
We need to get you out of here.
Well, good morning to you too! Sorry, it's just Fuck! I need to go check something, just stay here.
I need to see if she's come back.
Who? Stay here.
OK, technically, you are holding me hostage.
OK, so, here's the plan.
Are you ready? Er, yeah.
Right, I'm going to go downstairs and distract my, er, housemate in the kitchen.
I need you to sneak past the kitchen, get out of the front door without being seen.
Remember where the main door is, yeah? Er yes.
OK, I need you to wait on the landing and wait for my signal.
Are we clear? Yes.
Ooh, I've got butterflies! Let's go.
I didn't get your number.
Yeah, I gave it to you last night.
No, you didn't.
I'm sure we did that.
OK, let's just get you out of here, shall we? Oh, wait.
I definitely gave it to you last night.
What's the signal? Oh, er OK.
Good luck.
Meg! Meg! This is definitely a low point.
Good shag? I was good.
Hiya, Janet.
Hi, Laura.
Hi, Laura! Can I have a morning-after pill, some scabies cream and fruit pastilles.
Anything else? Yeah, I think I might need some of that cream too.
Yep, you do.
You'll have to inform any recent sexual partners.
Well, if he'd given me his number How about you, love? I'm fine now.
We went to a wonderful wake last night.
Aww, I'm sorry, love.
What a beautiful night that was.
You feeling better? Yeah, as sad as it was, I really think going to a wake put things into perspective for me.
Yeah, it makes you realise how fragile it all is.
We only get one go round.
No, I mean because it made me realise how talented I am, and what a gift I have for entertaining.
I was the belle of the wake.
You were the bell-END of the wake.
Are we doing the walk of shame? Stride of pride, mate, stride of pride.