Drop Dead Diva s05e08 Episode Script
50 Shades of Grayson
See that aspiring model there? That's me Deb until the day I died.
I thought I'd go straight to heaven, but there was a bit of a mix-up, and I woke up in someone else's body.
[ Screams .]
So now I'm Jane, a super-busy lawyer with my very own assistant.
I got a new life, a new wardrobe, and the only people who really know what's going on with me are my girlfriend Stacy and my guardian angel, Paul.
I used to think everything happened for a reason.
- Whoo! [ Laughs .]
- Now, I sure hope I was right.
LA, LA, LA, LA-LA-LA-LA Drop Dead Diva 5x08 - 50 Shades of Grayson Original air date August 11, 2013 [ Up-tempo music plays .]
[ Indistinct shouting .]
[ Laughs .]
Oh, no, no, seriously, I'm good.
[ Chuckling .]
I'm good.
Whoo! Take it off! Working every night and day - Stacy! - Oh! Oh! Oh, wow! Never give yourself enough time Got so many bills to pay Wow, that is spectacular.
You must do like a thousand push-ups every day.
Oh! Nothing's gonna disappear Oh, God, that's too close! It's too close.
It's too close! Good to give yourself some room Ohh! Wow! Move to the music - Oh, God! Oh, God! - Emma! Hi! You should totally do a shot on that blond's six pack.
- I will call him over.
- Oh, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
But thanks, Stacy.
Can you believe I'm getting married in two days? No.
I shouldn't even be looking at them.
I know, but let's kind of look again.
[ Cellphone ringing .]
Oh, this is Robert's best man calling from the bachelor party.
Okay.
[ Laughs .]
No, Stacy! Stace! That's like your third shooter in 10 minutes.
I'm about to be artificially inseminated.
And this bachelorette party is it's like my last hurrah.
- Okay.
- [ Laughs .]
Emma! Who wants to strip naked and jump into the neighbor's hot tub?! [ Laughs .]
Wow, are you okay? Robert was arrested in San Diego.
Oh, God.
Clap your hands, ohh I need to get down there, Jane.
He needs a lawyer.
Stomp your feet, ohh stomp your feet I am furious.
I'm devastated.
I am pissed to high hell! Just slow down.
Start from the beginning.
[ Sighs .]
When my husband lost his job, we were in bad shape.
So I decided to publish a book online.
And at first, I was earning almost $2,000 a month, but now almost nothing.
And it's all because a best seller ripped off my story line, my characters everything! Look.
Here's my book.
"The Randy Baron: An Erotic Thriller.
" I know what you're thinking.
But it paid the bills.
Last we spoke, I thought you were writing a serious novel.
Yeah, I couldn't find a publisher.
But they all complimented on the one sex scene missionary in a yoga studio.
And that's when you decided to write e-rom? Erotic romance.
There's a huge market for female-focused historical erotica.
"The Randy Baron" saved my family.
But then it got ripped off by "The Naughty Earl.
" Look.
With the marketing behind that book, my book has become invisible.
They're really that similar? Down to the mead-driven orgy in the hedge maze.
Mmm! I've always wanted to do it in a maze.
You're not alone.
Women really responded to my book.
Well, that's probably why Elyse Hoffman copied you.
Cindy, we'll start working on your case immediately.
[ Siren wails .]
Robert was having a blast.
We got drunk at the hotel and decided to cross the border into Tijuana.
- Always a smart decision.
- We were marinated in Tequila.
We weren't thinking straight.
What exactly happened to my fiancé? When we were coming back to the U.
S.
, we got separated at the border-crossing station.
As his best man, I went to look for him and found out he was arrested for disorderly conduct.
Okay, I need to speak with Robert.
The marshal said he'll come get us when he's in his holding cell.
- Holding cell?! - No, no, no.
It's all fine.
Listen, you and Robert are going to be married tomorrow night.
I promise.
Okay? Anyone need caffeine? - No, thank you.
- Okay, I'll be right back.
Ah, this court never has cream.
Which is why I keep a stash in the fridge.
You never know when they'll arrest a client at the border.
Thank you! - I'm Luis.
- Jane.
You an immigration attorney? Well, my office is in Long Beach, but I practically live in this courthouse.
- Ah! - I am digging that outfit.
[ Both laugh .]
Especially the, uh, glitter in the hair.
Oh.
Yeah.
I left a bachelorette party to rescue a drunk bachelor who got arrested at the border.
Happens every night.
You'll argue before judge Coleman, and if your client doesn't have a record, he'll just be released with a fine.
Great.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Jane? Robert's ready for us.
Okay.
Thanks, again.
Luis? Yeah.
No problem.
I'll see you later.
I have an appearance before the same judge, so Great.
Emma, I am so sorry.
You swore that the party wouldn't get out of control.
What happened? Honestly, I don't know.
Okay, Robert, what do you remember? I was at the Hard Rock pounding shots, and then I woke up in jail with vomit on my shoes.
Everything in between is a blank.
Emma, please forgive me.
I can't wait to get married.
But right now I want to kill you.
You had an impressive second quarter.
Things are certainly up since you've arrived.
I'm just part of a team, Mr.
Tuttle.
- Ah.
Meet my colleague.
- Ah, Ms.
Kaswell.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I was just with a client.
Not a problem.
Clients should always come first.
Spoken like a true malpractice insurance adjustor.
[ Laughter .]
Yes, and, uh, I'm sure you're both busy, so I'll get down to it.
Mr.
Parker has hired me to make sure that the firm is adequately protected.
I'll need access to all of your employees and your records.
I'm sorry.
W will you excuse me for a second? Certainly.
I'll use the time to speak with Ms.
Kaswell.
Great.
[ Clears throat .]
So, Ms.
Kaswell, how long do you plan on being out of commission? Excuse me? Maternity leave.
It's relevant to my assessment.
Oh.
[ Laughs .]
Um, yeah, I plan to keep my leave as short as possible.
Uh-huh.
I mean, I'm I'm working on my childcare plans right now.
I I believe it, uh, takes a village.
A village? Hmm.
Got it.
Stacy, what's wrong? Oh, nothing's wrong.
[ Chuckles .]
I brought gifts in honor of your sperm donation.
- Boxers? - Mm-hmm.
Well, Jane happened to mention that you wear tighty whities, - but - Huh.
to maximize sperm motility, you got to keep those fellas free and cool.
Uh-huh.
Fertil-aid the selenium and zinc increase sperm count.
Let me guess super sperm water.
No, just regular water.
Don't take the pills without drinking.
I don't want you to choke.
Okay.
Stacy, when exactly will you be ovulating? Any day now.
[ Chuckles .]
As soon as my ovulation stick turns pink, I will pick you up, drive you to the clinic at Roosevelt Hospital, and you can make a fresh deposit.
Okay.
I'll be ready.
- Okay! - All right.
[ Knock on glass .]
Excuse me.
I did some digging on the "Randy Baron" case.
Now, according to Cindy's sales records, her e-book was downloaded by an executive at the publishing house.
Well, that's great.
It proves the publishing house had access.
- Nice work.
- Thanks.
Nicole's stepping up.
I'm glad you've noticed.
You know, we only date where we work when we're too busy to seek it out elsewhere.
Says the woman who's expecting the senior partner's baby any minute.
Says the woman who was dumped by the senior partner and speaks from experience.
Hey, Grayson, other than me, does anyone else know about the two of you? No, we're being discreet.
Well, for what it's worth, be careful.
Don't hurt her.
What about me? I could get hurt.
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Was my client sloppy-drunk? Yes.
I mean, we all know how guys can be at bachelor parties.
But the disorderly-conduct charge should be dropped.
My client has no prior record.
What does the United States have to say on this? Your Honor, the United States is amending its complaint.
We are now charging Robert Medina with false representation of citizenship in violation of 8 U.
S.
code section 12-27.
Excuse me.
What? Your client is not a U.
S.
citizen.
It's true.
I I moved to the U.
S.
when I was an infant, and I have a green card.
I don't even speak Spanish.
Okay, my client is a legal resident.
He has a green card.
The defendant was born in Mexico.
Your Honor, last night, while trying to cross back into the United States, he went into the American-citizen line.
I call the court's attention to the surveillance footage.
Okay, what is the problem? His California driver's license is valid.
So, Your Honor, as I mentioned earlier, my client was really drunk.
Getting in the wrong line it was just it was just an innocent mistake.
The law prohibits the impersonation of an American citizen at a border crossing.
It [ Scoffs .]
I agree.
I'm gonna set this down for trial.
Uh, whoa! [ Scoffs .]
Your Honor, my client is due to be married in 36 hours.
I request an expedited hearing.
Fine, we'll reconvene after lunch.
[ Gavel bangs .]
- Ms.
Bingum? - Yeah? I know you're in a rush, but, uh If your client is found guilty, the penalty is exclusion from the U.
S.
for a minimum of five years.
Robert will be stuck in Mexico? Yeah, that's right, and, uh, I'm sorry to say, but the odds are against you.
Oh, man.
I love bachelor parties.
Getting so drunk you can't remember anything? What's the point? If you have to ask, you can't understand it.
Whose phone is this, anyway? [ Groans .]
The best man's, whom I blame for taking my client out of the country in the first place.
Thank you for driving down, by the way.
I needed this change of clothes in the worst way.
I listened to Beyoncé.
I flashed a few truckers.
Two hours flew by.
[ Chuckles .]
Now that I'm here, I thought I might go to the beach.
Uh, no.
Not so fast.
I need you to go through the discovery the A.
U.
S.
A.
just dumped on me.
[ Knock on door .]
Hey, I thought you angelinos might be hungry.
- Gracias, señor.
- Thank you! [ Chuckles .]
So the false-representation charge - Mm-hmm.
- It's based on this federal statute rarely enforced before 9/11, but now the U.
S.
attorney's office is using it as this anti-immigration weapon.
Robert is a legal immigrant with no record! Yes, and having a clean record is key.
Be sure to tell the court that Robert never meant to misrepresent himself.
- Okay.
- Oh, and it wouldn't hurt to compliment judge Coleman's watch.
Why his watch? His brother makes these handcrafted watch bands.
He could talk about it for hours.
Thank you for helping my wife.
Her book it it really saved us.
Don't worry, Howard.
We're gonna make this right.
All rise.
Be seated.
- Ms.
Kaswell.
- Yes.
Your Honor, we'd like to introduce as plaintiff's exhibit "A," a sales report from my client's company.
On may 5th, a credit card owned by Jamie Levit was used to purchase my client's book.
Ms.
Levit is an editor with the Hudson Lake Press, which proves they had access to her book.
Just because an employee purchased the book doesn't prove Elyse Hoffman copied it.
Correct, which is why we need to hear from Ms.
Hoffman.
Elyse Hoffman is actually here.
I'm I'm sorry.
What? Hudson Lake Press is Elyse Hoffman.
You want to explain that? My client uses a team of writers to compose their erotic fiction, but even if we admit to access, the standard for a plagiarism claim is substantial similarity.
We are not stipulating to that.
She's right, Ms.
Kaswell.
And the burden of proof is on you.
[ Gavel bangs .]
Well, thank you for noticing, Ms.
Bingum.
These bands also come in women's styles, and they're available in a shop across the street.
Well, I will have to buy me a few before heading back to L.
A.
, which I'm hoping will be today, as there's no reason to further detain my client, a respected businessman who never intended to misrepresent himself.
Very well.
Does the government wish to add anything? Yes, Your Honor.
Based on recent information, we are proceeding with additional criminal charges against the defendant.
- What?! - Solicitation of a prostitute at the San Diego Hard Rock Hotel yesterday, prior to visiting Mexico.
The San Diego P.
D.
just sent my office a credit-card receipt for a "happy massage.
" - Even if that's true - It's not true.
Even if the allegations are true, it's only a misdemeanor.
It's also a crime of moral turpitude, and any person convicted of such a crime, if found guilty of false representation, faces a 10-year exclusion from the United States.
I'm sorry, Ms.
Bingum, but these proceedings are stayed pending the outcome of this solicitation charge, which I will hear this afternoon.
So you have no memory of using your credit card at 11:03 P.
M.
To pay for a Tina Lassider's massage service? [ Sighs .]
I I don't remember anything.
But I would never cheat on Emma.
How can you not remember? No matter how much I drank, I would never cheat on you.
[ Knock on door .]
Can I come in? Yeah.
Robert's innocent.
He didn't hire the prostitute.
I did.
I I used your credit card while you were passed out.
Son of a bitch! I was really wasted, which is no excuse.
I'm so sorry, dude.
Let's talk about Jane Bingum.
What about Jane? From what I've heard, she's a trial phenom.
She is an asset to the firm.
Mr.
French, why did you join Harrison & Parker? I mean, you could have made more at a larger place.
Cut to the chase, Tuttle.
I think you came here for Jane.
How is that relevant? Now that you're no longer together, I'd like to know if you plan on sticking around.
We were over before I joined the firm.
Perhaps you're hoping to win her back.
No.
No, that's not the case.
You're a tremendous litigator.
Why don't you try to convince me that you don't want Jane back.
Mr.
Tuttle.
You need to know if I'm staying with the firm because if I left, it would affect our insurance.
I'm telling you without hesitation I'm not going anywhere.
My client's best man hired the prostitute, and he is willing to plead guilty.
I'll even go to jail.
Robert is innocent.
I swear.
And I don't believe you.
This isn't the first time a well-intentioned friend offered to take the heat for someone facing a harsh penalty, such as deportation.
The immigration charge should have no bearing on how you handle this case.
I won't drop the charges against your client, but I will offer him a deal no jail time in exchange for a guilty plea.
[ Laughs .]
Well, unfortunately, we can't take that deal.
Solicitation gets my client deported.
Then I have no choice.
I'll see you in court.
We went into the suite's bedroom, and I ran his card on my phone's payment app.
$250 is my rate for bobbing for apples, if you know what I mean.
I believe I do.
No further questions.
Ms.
Lassider, after you left the hotel, weren't you arrested for "Bobbing for apples" with a different man three hours after you claimed you "bobbed" with my client? Yeah.
They busted us in his prius.
And yet you aren't being charged for any crimes that night, as part of your immunity deal.
Yeah, but I'm telling the truth.
Credit cards don't lie.
Um [ Laughs .]
You know what, you're right.
Credit cards don't lie.
People's exhibit 3 your credit-card receipt complete with time 11:03 P.
M.
That's relevant why? I would like to introduce into evidence defendant's exhibit 7 and 8 time-stamped photographs of my client taken the night of the alleged crime.
Tina, those photographs show that my client was passed out at 10:48 P.
M.
And still passed out at 11:22 P.
M.
I imagine the hotel room was dark.
Could you have "bobbed" for someone else's apple and confused him for my client? That's the guy.
If it helps, I remember he was wearing blue boxer briefs.
Blue boxer briefs? I I find it interesting because when my client was arrested, he was wearing plaid boxers, as noted in defendant's exhibit 4 the federal intake report.
At this time, I would like to ask Keith, Robert's best man, to please stand up.
[ Clears throat .]
What color and style of underwear do you wear? See for yourself.
[ Zipper opens .]
Blue boxer briefs.
I move to dismiss all charges against my client.
Motion granted.
This case is dismissed.
We are done for the day.
Your Honor, what about the false-representation charge? My docket's full.
Soonest I'd be able to hear this is two weeks.
No.
No, no, no.
See, my client's getting married tomorrow.
There's nothing I can do.
Uh, excuse me, Your Honor? I believe I have an at-liberty defendant scheduled to appear before you tomorrow morning.
I'd be delighted to adjourn that matter in order to clear time for Ms.
Bingum's case.
Works for me.
We're adjourned till tomorrow.
[ Gavel bangs .]
Thank you so much.
How can I ever repay you? Um, have dinner with me tonight? - Okay.
- Okay.
Professor Sharf, you have a PHD in literature from Stanford University? That's correct.
And you've read both the novel and the online book.
Every page.
Did you find them to be substantially similar? Yes.
Uh, characters, tone, scene structure, even the basic plot.
And how do you explain that? Whoever wrote "The Naughty Earl" first read "The Randy Baron" and copied it.
Nothing further.
Professor Sharf, are you familiar with the software program called Plagiarismnet? Yes.
It's the gold standard to prove plagiarism.
I'd like to introduce into evidence a Plagiarismnet report comparing "The Naughty Earl" to "The Randy Baron.
" - Objection.
- Your Honor, Ms.
Kaswell can produce 100 experts who will say that these two books are substantially similar.
I can produce 100 more that say they're not.
We contend that this software is an objective way to provide the truth.
The objection is overruled.
Professor, I have the results of a Plagiarismnet comparison of these two novels.
Could you please read the results? The report shows a score of 41%.
Can you explain what that means? It means there's a 41% chance that the work was plagiarized.
The burden of proof for the plaintiff is a preponderance of the evidence.
If there's only a 41% chance that the work was plagiarized, you need to side with my client.
Well, hold on.
We request time to review the report.
You have one night.
- Dinner was delicious.
- Yeah.
Oh, and I loved that story about your roommate.
Oh, well, it's totally true.
I mean, she created a business out of half a pie and half a cake.
Amazing.
[ Laughs .]
All right, Luis, so tell me all your secrets.
How do I win my case? You stay on point.
The law wasn't meant to keep good people like Robert out of the country.
You know, I'm free tomorrow morning if you'd like for me to sit in as your unofficial second chair? Yeah! Your stature could really help out with the judge.
Thank you.
[ Chuckles .]
Okay.
Enough shop talk.
Tell me about you.
Uh, well, there's there's not much to tell.
Oh, I find that hard to believe.
[ Chuckles .]
Jane, you realize that Long Beach isn't that far from L.
A.
Oh.
Oh.
Um I'm not really in a in a place for for dating.
Oh.
You're seeing someone.
- Well, not exactly.
It's - No? Mm! Oh.
You know what? I think I'm gonna go.
- Is that okay? - I'm sorry.
I'm fine.
It's gonna be fine.
- Yeah? I'll see you.
- Okay.
- Thank you so much.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, no problem.
Hi.
Can I go to the beach? I thought you said that asians don't like the beach.
They don't like the sun, but I like the surfers.
What are you looking at? The video of Robert's arrest.
It's 15 seconds long.
Can you go to immigration? Ask if they have anything that came before or after it? - Sure.
- Thanks.
But first, is there anything you want to tell me? Rumor has it you were chowing on pasta primavera with a charming Latin lawyer.
Well, that's true.
- And he kissed me.
- Jane Bingum, I'm impressed.
Luis is smart, and passionate, and single, and I felt absolutely nothing.
I'm serious, not even a flutter.
When we get back to L.
A.
, I'm gonna set you up with my sex therapist.
Maybe you need to open up your sex chakra.
No.
I think my sex chakra's fine.
Look, we both know what's going on here.
The question is what are you gonna do about it? This is about Grayson.
It's always been about Grayson.
It's always gonna be about Grayson.
I love him, Teri.
Finally.
You said it out loud.
[ Sighs .]
Now, why are you telling me and not him? Well Emma, you okay? - I'll follow up on that video.
- Thanks.
If Robert can't go back to the United States, I'll die.
- Emma.
- I love him so much.
I know it sounds sappy, but the minute I met him, I knew we'd be married.
I knew we'd be together forever.
And now I just I can't bear the thought that My mother is sick.
She lives with us, and I take care of her.
If Robert gets stuck in Mexico, I can't just go with him.
Please tell me that we're gonna win.
Well, can't you challenge the Plagiarismnet report? We won't prevail.
It's been independently verified.
I'm sorry.
Look, Cindy this might not bring much solace, but I've read your e-rom, and you have talent.
Don't let those thieves dissuade you from writing another book.
You don't understand.
My book is personal.
You lost me.
It sounds crazy, I know.
But my book is based on my life with Howard.
I changed the names.
I changed the settings and obviously put it in a different time period, but all of those scenes Howard and I lived them.
[ Laughs .]
Look, Kim, the only way that I was able to write that book so quickly is because it is inspired by my life.
Can you prove it? Yeah, I I kept a journal.
Cindy, we're going back to court.
[ Humming .]
Stacy.
Hey.
Uh, what are you doing here? I'm pink.
I I mean, my ovulation stick is pink.
- I'm ovulating! - Oh! Okay.
Uh, great.
I'll I'll go to the clinic right after work.
No, no, we need to go now.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I can't.
I I have a new-client meeting at 2:00, and I I abso what is that? Well, if you can't go to the clinic, I'll bring the clinic to you.
[ Laughs .]
Uh, where exactly am I supposed to go to fill this? There's a bathroom down the hall.
- Seriously? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, I also I bought you a magazine for inspiration.
The girl on the cover has lovely skin.
[ Clears throat .]
So, I'll be downstairs getting frozen yogurt, and you just give me a call when the deed is done.
[ Exhales sharply .]
I hope I didn't offend you.
Clearly, I misread the situation.
Oh, no offense taken.
United States v.
Robert Medina.
And we are back in session.
As you are aware, my client has been cleared of the state's solicitation charge, and given that he has no record This statute is being used as a weapon to victimize innocent, law-abiding legal residents.
- Uh, Luis, please let me finish.
- The A.
U.
S.
A.
's targeting certain groups under orders from their Washington superiors who have an anti-immigration agenda, and I Whoa! I am not alleging anything like that.
Can we get back to discussing my client's lack of intent? Sit down! Mr.
Vega, are you suggesting that I'm part of some anti-immigration witch hunt? - No! - Yes! I object! You can't object to your co-counsel.
You're on the same side.
Well, I'm not so sure about that.
Counsel is seeking to use this case to grandstand for political purposes.
And now we are asking for a lifetime of exclusion from the United States.
Your Honor, a recess, please.
How dare you! Hijacking my case to set up a federal appeal?! We need to get this statute overturned.
It is not being used to keep out illegal aliens, but rather to deport legal residents like Robert, who simply walked on to the wrong line! I am sympathetic, but my objective is to free my client in time for his wedding! I'm not here to change federal law! Robert's a perfect case for appeal.
I mean, under this law, he could end up in some foreign country where he doesn't even speak the language! Yeah.
That's why I'm trying to keep him from getting deported.
Good luck with your crusade.
But please, stay away from my client and me.
Uh, Your Honor, before you rule, we are amending our complaint to add a conversion claim, as we can prove that Hudson Lake Press interfered with our client's ownership of her life rights.
There are no life rights in this case.
My client's e-book is based on her rather adventurous sex life.
Howard, please stand.
[ Clears throat .]
Your Honor, Howard Kasper is the Lord of Sussex, the Randy Baron, and Cindy is his mistress, the Countess of Chestny, Lady Climoria.
You've got to be kidding.
Oh, I would never kid about sex.
We'd like to introduce into evidence plaintiff's exhibit 11 Cindy Kasper's journal.
We need time to read the journal.
We'll resume in one hour.
Owen? Owen, listen to me! I was wrong.
The egg is not in the basket.
Keep the fish in the pond.
Fish in the pond! Why are you screaming about fish? I was buying an aquarium.
[ Clears throat .]
Is Owen in there? [ Elevator bell dings .]
He's behind you.
Thank you.
Owen.
Please tell me you haven't.
I haven't.
Are we talking about the same thing? I tried.
Twice.
I can't do it at work.
Thank God.
I'm not ovulating.
You said the stick was pink.
Actually, I was wearing my new rose-tinted sunglasses, and I misread the stick.
Sorry about the false alarm.
You know what? You can have this back.
- Oh.
- If we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this the old-fashioned way.
No, no, no! In a small, windowless room in a hospital's fertility clinic.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, Teri.
I got your text.
Talk fast.
I'm due back in court in five.
I thought you'd want to see this.
Good! Yes! The additional footage from immigration.
- No, not from immigration.
- Okay.
U.
S.
immigration only had the 15 seconds the A.
U.
S.
A.
supplied at discovery.
But borders have two sides.
You got footage from Mexico? My ex-boy toy Manuel has a cousin at the consulate.
- Check this out.
- Okay.
And now we know when he puked.
[ Groans .]
Okay.
I'm failing to see the relevance.
Stay focused, Jane.
Watch this.
Wait a minute.
He did not intentionally walk into that U.
S.
citizen's line.
He was guided there.
Ahh! I thought you'd be happy.
Can I go flirt with surfers now? I bought a big straw hat and Margarita shaker.
Yes, Teri.
Go.
I am gonna get my client to his wedding.
[ Sighs .]
Mrs.
Kasper, as I understand it, chapter 7 of your online book is based on a swinger party you and your husband attended in Van Nuys? That's true.
Can you please read the highlighted journal entry? "I brought a casserole to the Bosnak housewarming," "and the next thing I knew, the caterers were naked," "and we were in the middle of an orgy" "in their converted garage.
" Grayson, will you please read the first few lines of chapter 7 of Cindy's online book, "The Randy Baron"? "I brought a welsh pudding to the Vickford's new manor.
" "Our garments were torn from us by their scantily clad servants" "as we were thrown into the most splendid of orgies" "in the smoking room.
" Cindy, regarding the Bosnak casserole party, how does your journal entry conclude? "I was incredibly turned on," "especially when Stanley Bosnak picked me up" "and lifted me onto his body.
" "To think, I was worried my casserole wouldn't go over.
" Grayson, the, uh the last few lines of the Welsh pudding party, please.
"My lady pot was dripping with desire" "as the Squire lifted me upon his throbbing kingdom.
" "To think, only that morn" "I worried my welsh pudding had chiggers.
" Your Honor, obviously, the correlation is, uh um The correlation is um Ohh! You okay? - Ms.
Kaswell? - I'm so sorry.
It appears, um my water just broke.
But let's move on.
Um, Cindy, please read your next journal entry regarding the Jacobsen key party.
- Kim, you're in labor.
- No, no, no.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Just just read it.
Ms.
Kaswell, I think we'd better adjourn.
Do you need medical assistance? I don't I don't think so.
No, not yet.
I just will request a 30-minute recess, and then I'd like to jump right to my closing.
You're having a baby.
I'm fine, really.
- But right now you need to go.
- Okay.
Thank you.
My client did not intend to get into the wrong line.
He was placed there by a well-meaning Mexican official.
We never received this footage.
Oh, well, that's 'cause you never asked for it.
It's from the Mexican consulate.
Judge, I am so sorry.
The footage is indisputable.
The defendant shall be released.
[ Laughs .]
Now, one final point, Your Honor.
Go ahead, Ms.
Kaswell.
And for the record, I only agreed to this so I wouldn't have to argue with you.
[ Exhales sharply .]
Sorry.
Sorry.
One one second! [ Screaming .]
Ohh! Sorry.
The standard of proof for conversion is also a preponderance of the evidence.
Based on my client's testimony, as well as her journal, it's clear that we've met that burden! I agree.
I find for the plaintiff.
- Aah! - Whoo! Now go, please.
Have that baby.
Thanks, Kim! Ohh.
You're welcome.
Now get me the damn epidural! Oh, you look beautiful! Well, so do you! I love getting ready for weddings.
Although I will say this one took a little too much effort.
So I want to know more about the hot lawyer.
He kissed you, and you felt nothing? Zero.
But nobody could make me feel anything except Grayson.
Yeah.
You know, the whole time I was in San Diego, I thought about him.
Because you love him and you should be with him.
[ Cellphone dinging .]
- What is that? - Uh, it's my timer.
I set my phone to ring every three hours to remind me to pee on a stick.
Excuse me.
[ Cellphone ringing .]
That's me.
Hey.
Okay.
Yes.
[ Chuckles .]
That's great news.
Okay.
Bye.
Stace.
Kim is at Roosevelt Hospital.
She just had her baby.
- She had a boy.
- Ohh! That's awesome! Let's go.
You want to visit Kim? I need to meet Owen there.
The fertility clinic is on the third floor, and I'm officially ovulating.
Okay.
All right, here we go.
[ Laughs .]
Congratulations! Hey.
I thought you were in San Diego.
I just got back.
For the baby.
Ohh.
[ Laughs .]
Let me guess.
There must be a sale at the gift shop.
Uh Grayson got me that one.
[ Laughs .]
Well, it was between that or spongebob.
[ Laughs .]
Is Grayson still here? Yeah, he, um he went to see the baby in the nursery.
They took him away so I could sleep, but, uh I miss him already.
[ Laughs .]
You look pretty.
Uh, thank you.
I'm going to a wedding.
And you came by to see me? Thank you.
Oh, sure.
Well, I'm also here because Stacy is getting inseminated.
Oh.
Eee! Oh, well, uh, two birds, one stone.
How efficient.
Yeah.
[ Cellphone rings .]
Oh.
That's actually Stacy.
She wants to see me.
But congratulations again, Kim.
Thank you.
I'm really gonna miss you! What? I don't know why I said that.
I'm obviously still hormonal.
[ Laughs .]
Okay.
It's okay, Kim.
Just just go home and and enjoy that baby.
You'll hold down the fort? Oh, believe me, all the chaos will still be here when you get back.
Thanks, Jane.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[ Sighs .]
[ Door closes .]
- Hey.
- Hey.
[ Both laugh .]
Um, I just heard from Stacy.
I assume you did your part? - You assume correctly.
- Okay.
Uh, she's got to stay in there for like another half-hour or so.
How did San Diego go? Did you save the groom? I did, yes.
Actually, Emma should be walking down the aisle right about now.
- Good work.
- Thanks.
Well, I'll see you later.
- Okay.
- Okay.
[ Both laugh .]
- Bye.
- Bye.
Uh, Mr.
French.
If you don't mind, I'd like a word with you and Ms.
Kaswell.
Uh, of course.
Thank you, Mr.
Tuttle, but why are you here? Well, I hadn't planned to tell you this in the hospital, but it can't wait.
What can't wait? My purpose in evaluating the firm wasn't for malpractice insurance.
It was to appraise it for a sale.
What? Wait, hold on.
Parker wants a buyout? He's making a new life for himself, and he wants an accurate evaluation of the firm.
It's all here in the notice of dissolution.
Harrison & Parker will be sold to the highest bidder.
Congratulations on the baby.
[ Door opens, closes .]
[ Door opens .]
- Uh - Hmm! I hate that you look good from every angle.
I need to keep my legs up for another 20 minutes.
I can't believe I could actually be getting pregnant right now.
I'm thinking positive thoughts for you.
Thank you.
And I'm doing the same for you.
Why me? Well, for you and Grayson.
I mean, Jane, he's crazy about you.
And as far as I'm concerned, any day you're not with him is a wasted day.
I mean, take it from someone who loves and respects you.
You need to go to him and tell him how you feel.
But Mnh-mnh.
Stop with the excuses.
The man told you he loves you, and the only reason you didn't say it back is because you were consumed with guilt.
Jane, do you know where he is right now? Yes, he went to the nursery to see Kim's baby.
So you need to go to him.
Life is too short.
Don't waste another minute.
You of all people should know this.
Okay.
[ Exhales sharply .]
Okay.
Okay.
[ Chuckles .]
I'm really gonna do this, you know.
Thank you.
[ Door opens, closes .]
Hello, there.
Hey.
Oh, he is so cute.
Yeah.
Look at those tiny hands.
[ Sighs .]
"Every child begins the world again.
" Henry David Thoreau.
"Burp 'em once, then burp 'em again.
" My grandma Ruth.
[ Chuckles .]
What about you, Grayson? Do you want kids? Enough for a basketball team.
How about you? Absolutely Oh, yeah? as soon as I find the right guy.
[ Vocalizing .]
And how would I ever know if I never tried If I never tried to love you? It's easy to blame myself for wanting something else Wanting something else and I'm not okay with just leaving I'm not okay with just leaving
I thought I'd go straight to heaven, but there was a bit of a mix-up, and I woke up in someone else's body.
[ Screams .]
So now I'm Jane, a super-busy lawyer with my very own assistant.
I got a new life, a new wardrobe, and the only people who really know what's going on with me are my girlfriend Stacy and my guardian angel, Paul.
I used to think everything happened for a reason.
- Whoo! [ Laughs .]
- Now, I sure hope I was right.
LA, LA, LA, LA-LA-LA-LA Drop Dead Diva 5x08 - 50 Shades of Grayson Original air date August 11, 2013 [ Up-tempo music plays .]
[ Indistinct shouting .]
[ Laughs .]
Oh, no, no, seriously, I'm good.
[ Chuckling .]
I'm good.
Whoo! Take it off! Working every night and day - Stacy! - Oh! Oh! Oh, wow! Never give yourself enough time Got so many bills to pay Wow, that is spectacular.
You must do like a thousand push-ups every day.
Oh! Nothing's gonna disappear Oh, God, that's too close! It's too close.
It's too close! Good to give yourself some room Ohh! Wow! Move to the music - Oh, God! Oh, God! - Emma! Hi! You should totally do a shot on that blond's six pack.
- I will call him over.
- Oh, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
But thanks, Stacy.
Can you believe I'm getting married in two days? No.
I shouldn't even be looking at them.
I know, but let's kind of look again.
[ Cellphone ringing .]
Oh, this is Robert's best man calling from the bachelor party.
Okay.
[ Laughs .]
No, Stacy! Stace! That's like your third shooter in 10 minutes.
I'm about to be artificially inseminated.
And this bachelorette party is it's like my last hurrah.
- Okay.
- [ Laughs .]
Emma! Who wants to strip naked and jump into the neighbor's hot tub?! [ Laughs .]
Wow, are you okay? Robert was arrested in San Diego.
Oh, God.
Clap your hands, ohh I need to get down there, Jane.
He needs a lawyer.
Stomp your feet, ohh stomp your feet I am furious.
I'm devastated.
I am pissed to high hell! Just slow down.
Start from the beginning.
[ Sighs .]
When my husband lost his job, we were in bad shape.
So I decided to publish a book online.
And at first, I was earning almost $2,000 a month, but now almost nothing.
And it's all because a best seller ripped off my story line, my characters everything! Look.
Here's my book.
"The Randy Baron: An Erotic Thriller.
" I know what you're thinking.
But it paid the bills.
Last we spoke, I thought you were writing a serious novel.
Yeah, I couldn't find a publisher.
But they all complimented on the one sex scene missionary in a yoga studio.
And that's when you decided to write e-rom? Erotic romance.
There's a huge market for female-focused historical erotica.
"The Randy Baron" saved my family.
But then it got ripped off by "The Naughty Earl.
" Look.
With the marketing behind that book, my book has become invisible.
They're really that similar? Down to the mead-driven orgy in the hedge maze.
Mmm! I've always wanted to do it in a maze.
You're not alone.
Women really responded to my book.
Well, that's probably why Elyse Hoffman copied you.
Cindy, we'll start working on your case immediately.
[ Siren wails .]
Robert was having a blast.
We got drunk at the hotel and decided to cross the border into Tijuana.
- Always a smart decision.
- We were marinated in Tequila.
We weren't thinking straight.
What exactly happened to my fiancé? When we were coming back to the U.
S.
, we got separated at the border-crossing station.
As his best man, I went to look for him and found out he was arrested for disorderly conduct.
Okay, I need to speak with Robert.
The marshal said he'll come get us when he's in his holding cell.
- Holding cell?! - No, no, no.
It's all fine.
Listen, you and Robert are going to be married tomorrow night.
I promise.
Okay? Anyone need caffeine? - No, thank you.
- Okay, I'll be right back.
Ah, this court never has cream.
Which is why I keep a stash in the fridge.
You never know when they'll arrest a client at the border.
Thank you! - I'm Luis.
- Jane.
You an immigration attorney? Well, my office is in Long Beach, but I practically live in this courthouse.
- Ah! - I am digging that outfit.
[ Both laugh .]
Especially the, uh, glitter in the hair.
Oh.
Yeah.
I left a bachelorette party to rescue a drunk bachelor who got arrested at the border.
Happens every night.
You'll argue before judge Coleman, and if your client doesn't have a record, he'll just be released with a fine.
Great.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Jane? Robert's ready for us.
Okay.
Thanks, again.
Luis? Yeah.
No problem.
I'll see you later.
I have an appearance before the same judge, so Great.
Emma, I am so sorry.
You swore that the party wouldn't get out of control.
What happened? Honestly, I don't know.
Okay, Robert, what do you remember? I was at the Hard Rock pounding shots, and then I woke up in jail with vomit on my shoes.
Everything in between is a blank.
Emma, please forgive me.
I can't wait to get married.
But right now I want to kill you.
You had an impressive second quarter.
Things are certainly up since you've arrived.
I'm just part of a team, Mr.
Tuttle.
- Ah.
Meet my colleague.
- Ah, Ms.
Kaswell.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I was just with a client.
Not a problem.
Clients should always come first.
Spoken like a true malpractice insurance adjustor.
[ Laughter .]
Yes, and, uh, I'm sure you're both busy, so I'll get down to it.
Mr.
Parker has hired me to make sure that the firm is adequately protected.
I'll need access to all of your employees and your records.
I'm sorry.
W will you excuse me for a second? Certainly.
I'll use the time to speak with Ms.
Kaswell.
Great.
[ Clears throat .]
So, Ms.
Kaswell, how long do you plan on being out of commission? Excuse me? Maternity leave.
It's relevant to my assessment.
Oh.
[ Laughs .]
Um, yeah, I plan to keep my leave as short as possible.
Uh-huh.
I mean, I'm I'm working on my childcare plans right now.
I I believe it, uh, takes a village.
A village? Hmm.
Got it.
Stacy, what's wrong? Oh, nothing's wrong.
[ Chuckles .]
I brought gifts in honor of your sperm donation.
- Boxers? - Mm-hmm.
Well, Jane happened to mention that you wear tighty whities, - but - Huh.
to maximize sperm motility, you got to keep those fellas free and cool.
Uh-huh.
Fertil-aid the selenium and zinc increase sperm count.
Let me guess super sperm water.
No, just regular water.
Don't take the pills without drinking.
I don't want you to choke.
Okay.
Stacy, when exactly will you be ovulating? Any day now.
[ Chuckles .]
As soon as my ovulation stick turns pink, I will pick you up, drive you to the clinic at Roosevelt Hospital, and you can make a fresh deposit.
Okay.
I'll be ready.
- Okay! - All right.
[ Knock on glass .]
Excuse me.
I did some digging on the "Randy Baron" case.
Now, according to Cindy's sales records, her e-book was downloaded by an executive at the publishing house.
Well, that's great.
It proves the publishing house had access.
- Nice work.
- Thanks.
Nicole's stepping up.
I'm glad you've noticed.
You know, we only date where we work when we're too busy to seek it out elsewhere.
Says the woman who's expecting the senior partner's baby any minute.
Says the woman who was dumped by the senior partner and speaks from experience.
Hey, Grayson, other than me, does anyone else know about the two of you? No, we're being discreet.
Well, for what it's worth, be careful.
Don't hurt her.
What about me? I could get hurt.
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Was my client sloppy-drunk? Yes.
I mean, we all know how guys can be at bachelor parties.
But the disorderly-conduct charge should be dropped.
My client has no prior record.
What does the United States have to say on this? Your Honor, the United States is amending its complaint.
We are now charging Robert Medina with false representation of citizenship in violation of 8 U.
S.
code section 12-27.
Excuse me.
What? Your client is not a U.
S.
citizen.
It's true.
I I moved to the U.
S.
when I was an infant, and I have a green card.
I don't even speak Spanish.
Okay, my client is a legal resident.
He has a green card.
The defendant was born in Mexico.
Your Honor, last night, while trying to cross back into the United States, he went into the American-citizen line.
I call the court's attention to the surveillance footage.
Okay, what is the problem? His California driver's license is valid.
So, Your Honor, as I mentioned earlier, my client was really drunk.
Getting in the wrong line it was just it was just an innocent mistake.
The law prohibits the impersonation of an American citizen at a border crossing.
It [ Scoffs .]
I agree.
I'm gonna set this down for trial.
Uh, whoa! [ Scoffs .]
Your Honor, my client is due to be married in 36 hours.
I request an expedited hearing.
Fine, we'll reconvene after lunch.
[ Gavel bangs .]
- Ms.
Bingum? - Yeah? I know you're in a rush, but, uh If your client is found guilty, the penalty is exclusion from the U.
S.
for a minimum of five years.
Robert will be stuck in Mexico? Yeah, that's right, and, uh, I'm sorry to say, but the odds are against you.
Oh, man.
I love bachelor parties.
Getting so drunk you can't remember anything? What's the point? If you have to ask, you can't understand it.
Whose phone is this, anyway? [ Groans .]
The best man's, whom I blame for taking my client out of the country in the first place.
Thank you for driving down, by the way.
I needed this change of clothes in the worst way.
I listened to Beyoncé.
I flashed a few truckers.
Two hours flew by.
[ Chuckles .]
Now that I'm here, I thought I might go to the beach.
Uh, no.
Not so fast.
I need you to go through the discovery the A.
U.
S.
A.
just dumped on me.
[ Knock on door .]
Hey, I thought you angelinos might be hungry.
- Gracias, señor.
- Thank you! [ Chuckles .]
So the false-representation charge - Mm-hmm.
- It's based on this federal statute rarely enforced before 9/11, but now the U.
S.
attorney's office is using it as this anti-immigration weapon.
Robert is a legal immigrant with no record! Yes, and having a clean record is key.
Be sure to tell the court that Robert never meant to misrepresent himself.
- Okay.
- Oh, and it wouldn't hurt to compliment judge Coleman's watch.
Why his watch? His brother makes these handcrafted watch bands.
He could talk about it for hours.
Thank you for helping my wife.
Her book it it really saved us.
Don't worry, Howard.
We're gonna make this right.
All rise.
Be seated.
- Ms.
Kaswell.
- Yes.
Your Honor, we'd like to introduce as plaintiff's exhibit "A," a sales report from my client's company.
On may 5th, a credit card owned by Jamie Levit was used to purchase my client's book.
Ms.
Levit is an editor with the Hudson Lake Press, which proves they had access to her book.
Just because an employee purchased the book doesn't prove Elyse Hoffman copied it.
Correct, which is why we need to hear from Ms.
Hoffman.
Elyse Hoffman is actually here.
I'm I'm sorry.
What? Hudson Lake Press is Elyse Hoffman.
You want to explain that? My client uses a team of writers to compose their erotic fiction, but even if we admit to access, the standard for a plagiarism claim is substantial similarity.
We are not stipulating to that.
She's right, Ms.
Kaswell.
And the burden of proof is on you.
[ Gavel bangs .]
Well, thank you for noticing, Ms.
Bingum.
These bands also come in women's styles, and they're available in a shop across the street.
Well, I will have to buy me a few before heading back to L.
A.
, which I'm hoping will be today, as there's no reason to further detain my client, a respected businessman who never intended to misrepresent himself.
Very well.
Does the government wish to add anything? Yes, Your Honor.
Based on recent information, we are proceeding with additional criminal charges against the defendant.
- What?! - Solicitation of a prostitute at the San Diego Hard Rock Hotel yesterday, prior to visiting Mexico.
The San Diego P.
D.
just sent my office a credit-card receipt for a "happy massage.
" - Even if that's true - It's not true.
Even if the allegations are true, it's only a misdemeanor.
It's also a crime of moral turpitude, and any person convicted of such a crime, if found guilty of false representation, faces a 10-year exclusion from the United States.
I'm sorry, Ms.
Bingum, but these proceedings are stayed pending the outcome of this solicitation charge, which I will hear this afternoon.
So you have no memory of using your credit card at 11:03 P.
M.
To pay for a Tina Lassider's massage service? [ Sighs .]
I I don't remember anything.
But I would never cheat on Emma.
How can you not remember? No matter how much I drank, I would never cheat on you.
[ Knock on door .]
Can I come in? Yeah.
Robert's innocent.
He didn't hire the prostitute.
I did.
I I used your credit card while you were passed out.
Son of a bitch! I was really wasted, which is no excuse.
I'm so sorry, dude.
Let's talk about Jane Bingum.
What about Jane? From what I've heard, she's a trial phenom.
She is an asset to the firm.
Mr.
French, why did you join Harrison & Parker? I mean, you could have made more at a larger place.
Cut to the chase, Tuttle.
I think you came here for Jane.
How is that relevant? Now that you're no longer together, I'd like to know if you plan on sticking around.
We were over before I joined the firm.
Perhaps you're hoping to win her back.
No.
No, that's not the case.
You're a tremendous litigator.
Why don't you try to convince me that you don't want Jane back.
Mr.
Tuttle.
You need to know if I'm staying with the firm because if I left, it would affect our insurance.
I'm telling you without hesitation I'm not going anywhere.
My client's best man hired the prostitute, and he is willing to plead guilty.
I'll even go to jail.
Robert is innocent.
I swear.
And I don't believe you.
This isn't the first time a well-intentioned friend offered to take the heat for someone facing a harsh penalty, such as deportation.
The immigration charge should have no bearing on how you handle this case.
I won't drop the charges against your client, but I will offer him a deal no jail time in exchange for a guilty plea.
[ Laughs .]
Well, unfortunately, we can't take that deal.
Solicitation gets my client deported.
Then I have no choice.
I'll see you in court.
We went into the suite's bedroom, and I ran his card on my phone's payment app.
$250 is my rate for bobbing for apples, if you know what I mean.
I believe I do.
No further questions.
Ms.
Lassider, after you left the hotel, weren't you arrested for "Bobbing for apples" with a different man three hours after you claimed you "bobbed" with my client? Yeah.
They busted us in his prius.
And yet you aren't being charged for any crimes that night, as part of your immunity deal.
Yeah, but I'm telling the truth.
Credit cards don't lie.
Um [ Laughs .]
You know what, you're right.
Credit cards don't lie.
People's exhibit 3 your credit-card receipt complete with time 11:03 P.
M.
That's relevant why? I would like to introduce into evidence defendant's exhibit 7 and 8 time-stamped photographs of my client taken the night of the alleged crime.
Tina, those photographs show that my client was passed out at 10:48 P.
M.
And still passed out at 11:22 P.
M.
I imagine the hotel room was dark.
Could you have "bobbed" for someone else's apple and confused him for my client? That's the guy.
If it helps, I remember he was wearing blue boxer briefs.
Blue boxer briefs? I I find it interesting because when my client was arrested, he was wearing plaid boxers, as noted in defendant's exhibit 4 the federal intake report.
At this time, I would like to ask Keith, Robert's best man, to please stand up.
[ Clears throat .]
What color and style of underwear do you wear? See for yourself.
[ Zipper opens .]
Blue boxer briefs.
I move to dismiss all charges against my client.
Motion granted.
This case is dismissed.
We are done for the day.
Your Honor, what about the false-representation charge? My docket's full.
Soonest I'd be able to hear this is two weeks.
No.
No, no, no.
See, my client's getting married tomorrow.
There's nothing I can do.
Uh, excuse me, Your Honor? I believe I have an at-liberty defendant scheduled to appear before you tomorrow morning.
I'd be delighted to adjourn that matter in order to clear time for Ms.
Bingum's case.
Works for me.
We're adjourned till tomorrow.
[ Gavel bangs .]
Thank you so much.
How can I ever repay you? Um, have dinner with me tonight? - Okay.
- Okay.
Professor Sharf, you have a PHD in literature from Stanford University? That's correct.
And you've read both the novel and the online book.
Every page.
Did you find them to be substantially similar? Yes.
Uh, characters, tone, scene structure, even the basic plot.
And how do you explain that? Whoever wrote "The Naughty Earl" first read "The Randy Baron" and copied it.
Nothing further.
Professor Sharf, are you familiar with the software program called Plagiarismnet? Yes.
It's the gold standard to prove plagiarism.
I'd like to introduce into evidence a Plagiarismnet report comparing "The Naughty Earl" to "The Randy Baron.
" - Objection.
- Your Honor, Ms.
Kaswell can produce 100 experts who will say that these two books are substantially similar.
I can produce 100 more that say they're not.
We contend that this software is an objective way to provide the truth.
The objection is overruled.
Professor, I have the results of a Plagiarismnet comparison of these two novels.
Could you please read the results? The report shows a score of 41%.
Can you explain what that means? It means there's a 41% chance that the work was plagiarized.
The burden of proof for the plaintiff is a preponderance of the evidence.
If there's only a 41% chance that the work was plagiarized, you need to side with my client.
Well, hold on.
We request time to review the report.
You have one night.
- Dinner was delicious.
- Yeah.
Oh, and I loved that story about your roommate.
Oh, well, it's totally true.
I mean, she created a business out of half a pie and half a cake.
Amazing.
[ Laughs .]
All right, Luis, so tell me all your secrets.
How do I win my case? You stay on point.
The law wasn't meant to keep good people like Robert out of the country.
You know, I'm free tomorrow morning if you'd like for me to sit in as your unofficial second chair? Yeah! Your stature could really help out with the judge.
Thank you.
[ Chuckles .]
Okay.
Enough shop talk.
Tell me about you.
Uh, well, there's there's not much to tell.
Oh, I find that hard to believe.
[ Chuckles .]
Jane, you realize that Long Beach isn't that far from L.
A.
Oh.
Oh.
Um I'm not really in a in a place for for dating.
Oh.
You're seeing someone.
- Well, not exactly.
It's - No? Mm! Oh.
You know what? I think I'm gonna go.
- Is that okay? - I'm sorry.
I'm fine.
It's gonna be fine.
- Yeah? I'll see you.
- Okay.
- Thank you so much.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, no problem.
Hi.
Can I go to the beach? I thought you said that asians don't like the beach.
They don't like the sun, but I like the surfers.
What are you looking at? The video of Robert's arrest.
It's 15 seconds long.
Can you go to immigration? Ask if they have anything that came before or after it? - Sure.
- Thanks.
But first, is there anything you want to tell me? Rumor has it you were chowing on pasta primavera with a charming Latin lawyer.
Well, that's true.
- And he kissed me.
- Jane Bingum, I'm impressed.
Luis is smart, and passionate, and single, and I felt absolutely nothing.
I'm serious, not even a flutter.
When we get back to L.
A.
, I'm gonna set you up with my sex therapist.
Maybe you need to open up your sex chakra.
No.
I think my sex chakra's fine.
Look, we both know what's going on here.
The question is what are you gonna do about it? This is about Grayson.
It's always been about Grayson.
It's always gonna be about Grayson.
I love him, Teri.
Finally.
You said it out loud.
[ Sighs .]
Now, why are you telling me and not him? Well Emma, you okay? - I'll follow up on that video.
- Thanks.
If Robert can't go back to the United States, I'll die.
- Emma.
- I love him so much.
I know it sounds sappy, but the minute I met him, I knew we'd be married.
I knew we'd be together forever.
And now I just I can't bear the thought that My mother is sick.
She lives with us, and I take care of her.
If Robert gets stuck in Mexico, I can't just go with him.
Please tell me that we're gonna win.
Well, can't you challenge the Plagiarismnet report? We won't prevail.
It's been independently verified.
I'm sorry.
Look, Cindy this might not bring much solace, but I've read your e-rom, and you have talent.
Don't let those thieves dissuade you from writing another book.
You don't understand.
My book is personal.
You lost me.
It sounds crazy, I know.
But my book is based on my life with Howard.
I changed the names.
I changed the settings and obviously put it in a different time period, but all of those scenes Howard and I lived them.
[ Laughs .]
Look, Kim, the only way that I was able to write that book so quickly is because it is inspired by my life.
Can you prove it? Yeah, I I kept a journal.
Cindy, we're going back to court.
[ Humming .]
Stacy.
Hey.
Uh, what are you doing here? I'm pink.
I I mean, my ovulation stick is pink.
- I'm ovulating! - Oh! Okay.
Uh, great.
I'll I'll go to the clinic right after work.
No, no, we need to go now.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I can't.
I I have a new-client meeting at 2:00, and I I abso what is that? Well, if you can't go to the clinic, I'll bring the clinic to you.
[ Laughs .]
Uh, where exactly am I supposed to go to fill this? There's a bathroom down the hall.
- Seriously? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, I also I bought you a magazine for inspiration.
The girl on the cover has lovely skin.
[ Clears throat .]
So, I'll be downstairs getting frozen yogurt, and you just give me a call when the deed is done.
[ Exhales sharply .]
I hope I didn't offend you.
Clearly, I misread the situation.
Oh, no offense taken.
United States v.
Robert Medina.
And we are back in session.
As you are aware, my client has been cleared of the state's solicitation charge, and given that he has no record This statute is being used as a weapon to victimize innocent, law-abiding legal residents.
- Uh, Luis, please let me finish.
- The A.
U.
S.
A.
's targeting certain groups under orders from their Washington superiors who have an anti-immigration agenda, and I Whoa! I am not alleging anything like that.
Can we get back to discussing my client's lack of intent? Sit down! Mr.
Vega, are you suggesting that I'm part of some anti-immigration witch hunt? - No! - Yes! I object! You can't object to your co-counsel.
You're on the same side.
Well, I'm not so sure about that.
Counsel is seeking to use this case to grandstand for political purposes.
And now we are asking for a lifetime of exclusion from the United States.
Your Honor, a recess, please.
How dare you! Hijacking my case to set up a federal appeal?! We need to get this statute overturned.
It is not being used to keep out illegal aliens, but rather to deport legal residents like Robert, who simply walked on to the wrong line! I am sympathetic, but my objective is to free my client in time for his wedding! I'm not here to change federal law! Robert's a perfect case for appeal.
I mean, under this law, he could end up in some foreign country where he doesn't even speak the language! Yeah.
That's why I'm trying to keep him from getting deported.
Good luck with your crusade.
But please, stay away from my client and me.
Uh, Your Honor, before you rule, we are amending our complaint to add a conversion claim, as we can prove that Hudson Lake Press interfered with our client's ownership of her life rights.
There are no life rights in this case.
My client's e-book is based on her rather adventurous sex life.
Howard, please stand.
[ Clears throat .]
Your Honor, Howard Kasper is the Lord of Sussex, the Randy Baron, and Cindy is his mistress, the Countess of Chestny, Lady Climoria.
You've got to be kidding.
Oh, I would never kid about sex.
We'd like to introduce into evidence plaintiff's exhibit 11 Cindy Kasper's journal.
We need time to read the journal.
We'll resume in one hour.
Owen? Owen, listen to me! I was wrong.
The egg is not in the basket.
Keep the fish in the pond.
Fish in the pond! Why are you screaming about fish? I was buying an aquarium.
[ Clears throat .]
Is Owen in there? [ Elevator bell dings .]
He's behind you.
Thank you.
Owen.
Please tell me you haven't.
I haven't.
Are we talking about the same thing? I tried.
Twice.
I can't do it at work.
Thank God.
I'm not ovulating.
You said the stick was pink.
Actually, I was wearing my new rose-tinted sunglasses, and I misread the stick.
Sorry about the false alarm.
You know what? You can have this back.
- Oh.
- If we're gonna do this, we're gonna do this the old-fashioned way.
No, no, no! In a small, windowless room in a hospital's fertility clinic.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, Teri.
I got your text.
Talk fast.
I'm due back in court in five.
I thought you'd want to see this.
Good! Yes! The additional footage from immigration.
- No, not from immigration.
- Okay.
U.
S.
immigration only had the 15 seconds the A.
U.
S.
A.
supplied at discovery.
But borders have two sides.
You got footage from Mexico? My ex-boy toy Manuel has a cousin at the consulate.
- Check this out.
- Okay.
And now we know when he puked.
[ Groans .]
Okay.
I'm failing to see the relevance.
Stay focused, Jane.
Watch this.
Wait a minute.
He did not intentionally walk into that U.
S.
citizen's line.
He was guided there.
Ahh! I thought you'd be happy.
Can I go flirt with surfers now? I bought a big straw hat and Margarita shaker.
Yes, Teri.
Go.
I am gonna get my client to his wedding.
[ Sighs .]
Mrs.
Kasper, as I understand it, chapter 7 of your online book is based on a swinger party you and your husband attended in Van Nuys? That's true.
Can you please read the highlighted journal entry? "I brought a casserole to the Bosnak housewarming," "and the next thing I knew, the caterers were naked," "and we were in the middle of an orgy" "in their converted garage.
" Grayson, will you please read the first few lines of chapter 7 of Cindy's online book, "The Randy Baron"? "I brought a welsh pudding to the Vickford's new manor.
" "Our garments were torn from us by their scantily clad servants" "as we were thrown into the most splendid of orgies" "in the smoking room.
" Cindy, regarding the Bosnak casserole party, how does your journal entry conclude? "I was incredibly turned on," "especially when Stanley Bosnak picked me up" "and lifted me onto his body.
" "To think, I was worried my casserole wouldn't go over.
" Grayson, the, uh the last few lines of the Welsh pudding party, please.
"My lady pot was dripping with desire" "as the Squire lifted me upon his throbbing kingdom.
" "To think, only that morn" "I worried my welsh pudding had chiggers.
" Your Honor, obviously, the correlation is, uh um The correlation is um Ohh! You okay? - Ms.
Kaswell? - I'm so sorry.
It appears, um my water just broke.
But let's move on.
Um, Cindy, please read your next journal entry regarding the Jacobsen key party.
- Kim, you're in labor.
- No, no, no.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Just just read it.
Ms.
Kaswell, I think we'd better adjourn.
Do you need medical assistance? I don't I don't think so.
No, not yet.
I just will request a 30-minute recess, and then I'd like to jump right to my closing.
You're having a baby.
I'm fine, really.
- But right now you need to go.
- Okay.
Thank you.
My client did not intend to get into the wrong line.
He was placed there by a well-meaning Mexican official.
We never received this footage.
Oh, well, that's 'cause you never asked for it.
It's from the Mexican consulate.
Judge, I am so sorry.
The footage is indisputable.
The defendant shall be released.
[ Laughs .]
Now, one final point, Your Honor.
Go ahead, Ms.
Kaswell.
And for the record, I only agreed to this so I wouldn't have to argue with you.
[ Exhales sharply .]
Sorry.
Sorry.
One one second! [ Screaming .]
Ohh! Sorry.
The standard of proof for conversion is also a preponderance of the evidence.
Based on my client's testimony, as well as her journal, it's clear that we've met that burden! I agree.
I find for the plaintiff.
- Aah! - Whoo! Now go, please.
Have that baby.
Thanks, Kim! Ohh.
You're welcome.
Now get me the damn epidural! Oh, you look beautiful! Well, so do you! I love getting ready for weddings.
Although I will say this one took a little too much effort.
So I want to know more about the hot lawyer.
He kissed you, and you felt nothing? Zero.
But nobody could make me feel anything except Grayson.
Yeah.
You know, the whole time I was in San Diego, I thought about him.
Because you love him and you should be with him.
[ Cellphone dinging .]
- What is that? - Uh, it's my timer.
I set my phone to ring every three hours to remind me to pee on a stick.
Excuse me.
[ Cellphone ringing .]
That's me.
Hey.
Okay.
Yes.
[ Chuckles .]
That's great news.
Okay.
Bye.
Stace.
Kim is at Roosevelt Hospital.
She just had her baby.
- She had a boy.
- Ohh! That's awesome! Let's go.
You want to visit Kim? I need to meet Owen there.
The fertility clinic is on the third floor, and I'm officially ovulating.
Okay.
All right, here we go.
[ Laughs .]
Congratulations! Hey.
I thought you were in San Diego.
I just got back.
For the baby.
Ohh.
[ Laughs .]
Let me guess.
There must be a sale at the gift shop.
Uh Grayson got me that one.
[ Laughs .]
Well, it was between that or spongebob.
[ Laughs .]
Is Grayson still here? Yeah, he, um he went to see the baby in the nursery.
They took him away so I could sleep, but, uh I miss him already.
[ Laughs .]
You look pretty.
Uh, thank you.
I'm going to a wedding.
And you came by to see me? Thank you.
Oh, sure.
Well, I'm also here because Stacy is getting inseminated.
Oh.
Eee! Oh, well, uh, two birds, one stone.
How efficient.
Yeah.
[ Cellphone rings .]
Oh.
That's actually Stacy.
She wants to see me.
But congratulations again, Kim.
Thank you.
I'm really gonna miss you! What? I don't know why I said that.
I'm obviously still hormonal.
[ Laughs .]
Okay.
It's okay, Kim.
Just just go home and and enjoy that baby.
You'll hold down the fort? Oh, believe me, all the chaos will still be here when you get back.
Thanks, Jane.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[ Sighs .]
[ Door closes .]
- Hey.
- Hey.
[ Both laugh .]
Um, I just heard from Stacy.
I assume you did your part? - You assume correctly.
- Okay.
Uh, she's got to stay in there for like another half-hour or so.
How did San Diego go? Did you save the groom? I did, yes.
Actually, Emma should be walking down the aisle right about now.
- Good work.
- Thanks.
Well, I'll see you later.
- Okay.
- Okay.
[ Both laugh .]
- Bye.
- Bye.
Uh, Mr.
French.
If you don't mind, I'd like a word with you and Ms.
Kaswell.
Uh, of course.
Thank you, Mr.
Tuttle, but why are you here? Well, I hadn't planned to tell you this in the hospital, but it can't wait.
What can't wait? My purpose in evaluating the firm wasn't for malpractice insurance.
It was to appraise it for a sale.
What? Wait, hold on.
Parker wants a buyout? He's making a new life for himself, and he wants an accurate evaluation of the firm.
It's all here in the notice of dissolution.
Harrison & Parker will be sold to the highest bidder.
Congratulations on the baby.
[ Door opens, closes .]
[ Door opens .]
- Uh - Hmm! I hate that you look good from every angle.
I need to keep my legs up for another 20 minutes.
I can't believe I could actually be getting pregnant right now.
I'm thinking positive thoughts for you.
Thank you.
And I'm doing the same for you.
Why me? Well, for you and Grayson.
I mean, Jane, he's crazy about you.
And as far as I'm concerned, any day you're not with him is a wasted day.
I mean, take it from someone who loves and respects you.
You need to go to him and tell him how you feel.
But Mnh-mnh.
Stop with the excuses.
The man told you he loves you, and the only reason you didn't say it back is because you were consumed with guilt.
Jane, do you know where he is right now? Yes, he went to the nursery to see Kim's baby.
So you need to go to him.
Life is too short.
Don't waste another minute.
You of all people should know this.
Okay.
[ Exhales sharply .]
Okay.
Okay.
[ Chuckles .]
I'm really gonna do this, you know.
Thank you.
[ Door opens, closes .]
Hello, there.
Hey.
Oh, he is so cute.
Yeah.
Look at those tiny hands.
[ Sighs .]
"Every child begins the world again.
" Henry David Thoreau.
"Burp 'em once, then burp 'em again.
" My grandma Ruth.
[ Chuckles .]
What about you, Grayson? Do you want kids? Enough for a basketball team.
How about you? Absolutely Oh, yeah? as soon as I find the right guy.
[ Vocalizing .]
And how would I ever know if I never tried If I never tried to love you? It's easy to blame myself for wanting something else Wanting something else and I'm not okay with just leaving I'm not okay with just leaving