Drop Dead Diva s05e07 Episode Script

Miss Congeniality

See that aspiring model there? That's me Deb until the day I died.
I thought I'd go straight to heaven, but there was a bit of a mix-up, and I woke up in someone else's body.
So now I'm Jane, a super-busy lawyer with my very own assistant.
I got a new life, a new wardrobe, and the only people who really know what's going on with me are my girlfriend Stacy and my guardian angel, Paul.
I used to think everything happened for a reason.
Whoo! Now, I sure hope I was right.
Drop Dead Diva 5x07 - Missed Congeniality Original air date August 4, 2013 Good morning! I made you coffee.
No, thanks.
Jane, we need to talk.
I'm late for work.
Yeah, but, Jane Not a good time.
Maybe later.
Mm-hmm, well, last night, I told you that I wanted Owen to be my sperm donor, and I really want your blessing, but you haven't said a word to me.
Here's two words "gotta go.
" Will you zip me up? Well, it's more fun zipping you down.
You know, we've got a little time.
Maybe you have a little time.
But I got to beat Kim to the office.
Roger that.
Give me a head start? Let's say 10 minutes? So we don't arrive together like yesterday? Exactly.
I wouldn't want to feed that rumor mill.
By "rumor mill," you mean Teri.
All right, I'll see you at the office.
Did I just see a boy run into my office? Yes, you did.
Herbal tea for you.
Thank you.
These are for the kids.
There's more than one? Mm-hmm.
And their coach is in your office.
Kimmy! Whoa! You're enormous! Dad, what are you doing here? Hey, hey, kid.
Wipe your paws.
What's going on? Well, I was, uh, just explaining a little problem here to Owen.
He's a good man, by the way.
Oh, right back at you, Larry.
So I've been working at a local park maintenance.
It doesn't pay much, but at least I get to spend my days out in the sunshine, under blue skies.
I mean, how many old farts do you know get paid to hang out at the park? I say it's genius.
Hooray for you.
You work at a park.
Doesn't explain why the bad news bears are in my office.
Well, about a month ago, I'm working on a sprinkler.
Kids from the baseball team come up, and they ask me to hit out some pop flies for them.
I I guess one of the dads didn't show up or something.
But I had a blast.
Turns out the dad is always busy, so Larry took over as coach.
Bulldogs are number 1 in our division.
- Hey! - Go, Bulldogs! Hey, that's great.
Why don't you send me an e-mail? I'll try to catch a game.
Well, uh, that's that's sort of the problem there, honey.
Uh, you see, one of the rival coaches ratted me out right in the middle of practice this morning.
The league requires that a coach be a parent or guardian of a player.
I don't know how to help you, dad.
Well, Owen said that Yeah, what did Owen say? That a prominent lawyer such as yourself might be able to convince the league president to do the right thing.
Kimmy, come on.
For the Bulldogs.
For the Bulldogs.
Lady we really need you.
Coach needs you.
I didn't know they were listening.
Oh, yeah.
Kids always know what's going on.
We just don't give them credit.
Of course I'm gonna help you.
One meeting.
I need you to sign the card for Kim's baby shower.
Tell me again why we are throwing Kim a baby shower.
Because Owen asked us to, and I'd rather not say no to him right now.
Uh, it's not enough that we have to work for the dragon lady.
Now we have to pretend that we like her, too? It will be nice to have the whole office there for a happy occasion.
And by "happy occasion," I mean Kim's maternity leave.
She'll be gone for at least a month.
You know, I'm thinking strawberry cupcakes.
Kim's allergic to strawberries.
I know.
Oh, my God.
All right, fine.
Calm down.
We can get vanilla to match her sex life.
Oh, my God! Hi! Y you're Donna Andrews.
I am.
Nice to meet you.
Jane Bingum.
I have followed your career since you won Miss Long Beach.
I loved the answer you gave regarding the preservation of songbird habitats.
"We must sing through our actions so that birds" "So that birds may forever sing for us.
" - I'm impressed.
- Thank you.
I've actually competed in a few pageants myself I mean, before I became a lawyer.
Well, look, I'm here because I need a lawyer.
Teri, hold all my calls.
I'm in a meeting with a new client.
I'm currently competing in the Miss Universal globe pageant.
Yeah, I know.
I love that dress.
Thank you.
Earlier this morning, I was in the greenroom, waiting my turn for evening-gown rehearsals when I found this memo left behind on a coffee table.
It's from Peter Bronson, the pageant owner.
It's a list of the top-10 finalists for this year's competition.
You're not on it.
Wait a minute.
The competition doesn't even air till next week.
The judges haven't even judged you yet.
So how can Peter Bronson already know the top 10? Peter Bronson is rigging this pageant? I think so.
Okay, we're gonna take this memo to the Federal Communications Commission.
They have jurisdiction over broadcast events like Miss Universal.
What do you say? I say yes.
This pageant means everything to me.
Whether I win or lose, I just want a fair shot.
I know.
I'll be in touch.
Thank you.
Oh, my God! Was that Miss Universal U.
Donna Andrews? Yes! Can you believe that?! Oh, wait.
I've got work to do.
I just need five minutes.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's just not a good time.
You know, we need to talk, and you keep running away.
Maybe because there's nothing to talk about.
I am going to speak for both of us.
Stacy Jane, you know I can't ask Owen to be my sperm donor without your blessing.
But, Stacy, he and I we were engaged.
Which tells me how much you must respect him and his DNA.
And besides, it's not like he's moving in with us.
I just need his genetic material.
I bet you haven't even considered the legal issues.
I mean, do you even know the laws that govern non-coital conception? I found all the relevant statutes online, and I've read all the pamphlets from the fertility clinic.
Wow, Stace.
I'm sorry I didn't give you more credit.
Say, is that a new dress? Why, yes, it is.
Thank you for your blessing, Jane.
You are as intelligent as you are beautiful.
Well, that was something.
And, you know, I admit you made some excellent points.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Thing is you neglected to consider one teensy little fact.
And what is that teensy little fact? That Owen and I might still get back together.
What? Stacy, you know that I am trying to make him see that I am sorry and that I am open to rekindling our relationship, so don't you think it's gonna be a little weird when Owen and I are married and you're raising his child? Do you really think that I would have even asked if I thought for one second you and Owen would get back together again? Excuse me? Jane, I don't believe that you still believe you're gonna marry Owen.
In fact, I don't even think that you want to marry Owen, because if you had, you would have never kissed Grayson.
How dare you? How dare you? You are denying me the best available genetic material for no good reason.
You want Owen's sperm? - Yeah.
- Fine.
Go and get it.
I will.
And thank you for your blessing.
I'm sure the FCC agrees, that memo is convincing evidence of pageant fixing, a clear violation of 47 U.
, section 509.
The "quiz show" law? Which, as you know, bans any scheme to predetermine contests of knowledge, skill, or chance.
Yes, but do pageants really require skill? They do.
Miss Universal is not merely about beauty.
In fact, as of last month, the talent portion is now worth 40% more than the interview and evening gown combined.
Why would Peter Bronson fix his own pageant? The finalists that Bronson pre-selected they all come from the largest foreign TV markets, including the U.
, Brazil, and China.
But nowhere on the list are favorites Iceland, Namibia, and the U.
, who, by the way, is incredible.
- Thank you.
- No problem.
You know what? Peter Bronson does not care about Miss Universal.
He cares about ratings and big markets that maximize profits.
That was very informative.
Okay, so, what do we do next? You know what? We could coordinate with the U.
Attorney's office, 'cause this is huge.
I mean, it's CNN huge.
I think we should call Anderson Cooper.
I appreciate the visit, but the FCC does not plan to pursue this investigation.
Uh, with all due respect, what? I mean, this is far more serious than Janet Jackson's so-called wardrobe malfunction.
And that led to half a million dollars in fines.
Peter Bronson is a job creator with business interests worldwide.
The government isn't gonna make a federal case over a pageant.
I'm sorry, but we're done here.
Hey, what a nice surprise.
How are you? Everything is great.
I have to ask you something.
Oh, yeah.
Please, please sit.
Owen, I've been wanting to get pregnant for a while now.
I have looked high and low for the perfect donor to father my child, which is a lot tougher than it sounds because I'm picky and I want the absolute best genetic material.
I want your sperm.
Wow! Yeah, I know.
It's just you're an awesome guy, kind, stable, ambitious, intelligent, attractive, and funny.
I'm happy to discuss a variety of arrangements.
And I have pamphlets.
Also, you'd have no financial obligations.
I'm looking for a baby daddy, not a sugar daddy.
What does Jane think about your request? I have her blessing.
Really? Yes.
Uh I I have to think about it.
Of course.
Take all the time you need.
I don't start ovulating until Friday.
- You ready for the big meeting? - Yep.
- Anything you want me to say? - Nope.
You just keep your mouth shut and let me do all the talking.
Yeah, that's a good plan.
Oh, yeah, those two are totally doing it.
- Dad.
- What? No, I'm saying I got a sixth sense about these things.
That's how I knew your mother was really into me.
Look how that turned out.
What? I'm just saying.
I'm just saying you're totally off base.
I mean, come on.
A man and a woman can work together without having sex.
Well, tell that to your baby bump.
Look, why don't you just keep your mind out of the gutter and back on the Bulldogs.
Kim? The Baseball League president is waiting for you in Owen's office.
Be right there.
Don't forget your baby shower starts at noon.
Can't wait.
Chase, thank you so much for taking this meeting.
Oh, of course.
Your father was one of my favorite coaches.
We we sorry to see him go.
Yeah, you know, that's the thing.
We don't think you should have to see him go.
I mean, these days, with parents so busy, you should be encouraging community participation.
I don't disagree.
In fact, I plan on raising the parent restriction at our next rules meeting.
The meeting's not till January.
The Bulldogs' playoffs are next week.
Hold on according to the league bylaws, there is a second way for coaches to qualify.
- Really? - Yeah.
It says here, "any adult who lives" "within the White Oak Park District" "may volunteer at the park.
" Coaching's a volunteer position, correct? Of course.
As it happens, Mr.
Kaswell's daughter lives a half a block from the park.
Any chance there's a third way to qualify? Kimmy, it's the playoffs.
My father lives with me.
As of today, my dad is my roommate.
Well, then, I hereby reinstate Larry as coach of the Bulldogs.
What are you doing? My emergency stash of pick-me-up dark chocolate.
I know it's in here somewhere.
I ate it last week.
It was a late night.
I'm sorry.
So, what's wrong? The FCC refuses to pursue charges against Peter Bronson.
I'm surprised you thought the government would get involved over something as trivial as a pageant.
Grayson, the Miss Universal pageant is anything but trivial.
I'm being serious.
Honestly, I thought a woman like yourself would find pageants frivolous, if not outright demeaning.
Well, you would be wrong.
You know, pageants provide contestants with self-confidence while competing for valuable college scholarships.
And pageants don't just help the contestants.
They help the countries, too.
They help the countries? When Angola's Leila Lopes won Miss Universe, it raised the profile of the entire country.
And Amelia Vega of the Dominican Republic when she came in first, tourism shot up dramatically.
Well, we both know when you get passionate, you don't give up.
I say forget the FCC.
On behalf of your client, file a qui tam lawsuit.
Qui tam when the government refuses to enforce certain laws, private citizens are empowered to step in and sue on the government's behalf as a whistle-blower.
Yes, and as a whistle-blower, they're entitled to 30% of recovered damages.
Thank you, Grayson.
- Excuse me.
- Mm-hmm.
Jane, I need you in the conference room now.
- Everything okay? - It's, uh, Kim's baby shower.
Say no more.
Let's go.
Thank God you're here.
Teri, this is supposed to be a shower, not a wake.
They refuse to drink the baby bottles.
They're all scared to guess Kim's weight.
And forget about the "guess the melted candy bar in the diaper" game.
Kim licked them all.
The cupcakes are delicious.
Can I go back to my office now? Are you kidding me? No, Kim! Now, come on! Let's get this party started.
I'm pretty sure this is a Mars bar.
Dad, this is supposed to be an all-girls party.
Hey, did you tell them all your big news? I'm moving in with my daughter.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, thank God.
Someone ordered a male stripper! No.
No, no.
I'm looking for a Larry Kaswell.
Oh, I'm Larry.
- Sir, you're under arrest.
- Huh? Place your hands behind your back.
Excuse me.
What are the charges? Child endangerment, 13 counts.
So let me get this straight.
Last week, you took a bunch of 9-year-olds on a spur-of-the-moment field trip to the Santa Monica pier without their parents' permission? - Yep.
- What were you thinking? It was a beautiful day, we were celebrating our win, and everybody had sunscreen on.
Dad, one of the moms went to the park to pick up her son, and he wasn't there, so she called the police.
I know.
I I know.
She's going through some domestic dispute.
She thought the kid's dad picked him up.
I don't know.
But she called the police back and owned up to the mistake.
It doesn't matter once the complaint is filed, the authorities are obligated to act.
Oh, look, everybody's getting their knickers in a twist over a simple misunderstanding.
I made a deal with the D.
You'll plead guilty and pay a fine, no jail time.
Oh, great.
Can't wait to get back to those Bulldogs.
No, dad, you're pleading guilty to endangering the welfare of a child.
The league is not gonna allow you back as coach.
What are you talking about? Then it's no deal.
I'm not gonna abandon my kids.
They're not your kids.
For God's sake, you weren't this upset when you abandoned me 25 years ago.
Oh, come on, Kimmy.
That's not fair.
Dad, the D.
's office is gonna be pissed if you reject this plea.
And if we lose at trial, they're gonna demand jail time.
All right.
We're just gonna have to win.
Boy, I'm starving.
I haven't had anything to eat since that dirty diaper.
Let's go see what's going on at the coffee cart.
Miss Andrews, I just have one question.
How did you feel when you found Mr.
Bronson's memo listing the Miss Universal finalists before the judges had even selected them? I felt shattered.
Look, I still believe in the honor, integrity, kindness, and decency of the pageant, but that man he violated all the rules.
Donna, isn't it true you recently met with reality-show producers about developing a TV series based on your life as a pageant girl? Yes, but In fact, the working title of the TV series is "The Beauty Queen Scandal.
" Objection.
Calls for speculation.
How do you know about that? I'll take that as a "yes.
" We now dismiss the witness and call Peter Bronson to the stand.
Bronson, where were you when miss Andrews allegedly found the memo? I was in a plane, returning from a business trip to Macao.
Did you rig the Miss Universal pageant? No.
The pageant cannot be rigged.
We employ numerous fail-safes, including independent judges and a big-four accounting firm.
- Is that all? - No.
Every document that comes out of my office is printed on state-of-the-art anti-counterfeiting paper.
I'm handing Mr.
Bronson a piece of his office stationery and a U.
Please shine the light onto the paper.
We call the court's attention to the Bronson Enterprises logo.
Now I'd like to ask the bailiff to hand the memo in question to Mr.
Please shine the light over the memo.
There's no logo, which means this didn't come out of my office.
This is a forgery.
We move to dismiss immediately.
Uh, hold on.
We need more time.
You've wasted enough of the court's time.
This case is dismissed.
Jane! Jane! Jane! What? What do you want, Donna? What happens now? I go home, have a glass of wine, and you disappear.
I know what it looked like in there, but I'm not an idiot, Donna.
The court dismissed your case because you made it all up.
I'm certainly not gonna help you get more attention.
Everything I told you was the truth.
Oh, come on.
You're as fake as that memo.
You just used me to smear the reputation of Miss Universal and all for your own gain.
How are you holding up? Oh.
You're in a bad, bad place.
I can't believe Donna Andrews lied to me.
At least your dad didn't get arrested at your baby shower.
Yeah, that's got to sting.
Look, I don't know if you care, but Peter Bronson held a press conference where he stripped Donna Andrews of her title and barred her from competing.
Well, good.
Serves her right.
It's late and your case was dismissed.
- Why are you still here? - Ugh! I just had a fight with Stacy, and I'm not ready to go home and face her.
Let me guess.
Was her kale cleanse making her irritable? Sorry.
What happened? She wants my blessing for Owen to be her sperm donor.
That violates every rule of friendship.
No sperm no way, no how.
I know.
But Owen and I aren't together, so Yeah, but you were together.
You need to go kick some sense into her.
Yeah, you know what? You're right.
I'm going home right now.
Stacy? I forbid you from using Owen's sperm for your baby.
- Jane - It is a total violation - Stop.
- No, you stop.
You can't ask your best friend's ex for his sperm, you know, especially if they're not 100% over.
Jane And you certainly cannot have his baby.
I'm not having Owen's baby.
I'm glad you're listening to reason.
Owen said no.
I went to go see him, and he was nice and everything, but he just called me and told me that he couldn't do it.
Sorry, sweetie.
No, you're not.
You're happy.
I I thought I would be happy, but I actually feel terrible.
Are we expecting company? No.
I'm expecting to be sad for a few weeks.
Then these should get me through Tuesday.
I know that I said I would support you.
So I should have at least talked it through with you.
And I knew that picking Owen would upset you, but having Owen as the biological father of my future child was the best choice.
Do you want to talk now? No.
If it's okay, I would rather frost.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
You made breakfast? Yeah.
Come on, grab a stack.
You know, don't forget you're eating for two there.
Oh, no time.
I need to prep your testimony.
Honey, come on.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
But, please, I need you to focus on your case.
Okay, I will.
Now, you just have to relax, honey.
I I know you're a little bit anxious what with the baby coming and Parker being out of town and all.
Dad, Parker moved to be with his other family in Canada.
Yeah, yeah.
I know.
He he told me the same thing.
You spoke with him? Yeah, while you were in the shower.
I told him, man-to-man, that he was shirking his parental responsibilities.
Well, look, long story short, he's gonna make every attempt to be here for the birth and possibly stay a few weeks.
No, no, no.
Dad, I do not want Parker here for this child's birth or anytime thereafter.
Look, I am perfectly capable of raising this baby without him, the same way mom raised me without you.
Kimmy, look, I'm just trying to help you here.
Yeah? Well, if you had been around more, then maybe you would understand that calling your daughter's ex-boyfriend is just not okay.
Jane, I'm really sorry to bother you at home.
What's so urgent? Donna was telling the truth.
Grayson, she's a snake.
She never wanted to do the reality show.
Her pageant coach approached TV producers without her knowledge.
When they approached Donna, she turned them down and promptly fired her coach.
How do you know that? After you left court, we talked.
She told me everything, which I verified.
Why didn't I do that? It's obvious.
You believe in the integrity of the pageant.
When the evidence went one way, you followed it.
Yeah, but I believed in the pageant more than the queen.
I refused to listen to my own client.
What do we do now? Donna, I just want to say how sorry I am.
Well, I guess under the circumstances, I wouldn't have believed me, either.
Okay, so, the way I see it someone must have forged that memo and left it for you to find.
So you think I was sabotaged.
Well, it wouldn't be the first time something like this has happened.
In 2007, miss Puerto Rico's makeup was spiked with pepper spray.
And in 2010, Miss Australia was stuck with pins from her costume moments before she took the stage.
So maybe another contestant left a phony memo for me to find.
Knowing that you would come forward and be disgraced.
Hey, I might have something.
Let's hear it.
Since we're looking at other contestants, I wanted to find out who had the most to gain by Donna's removal from the pageant.
What did you find out? Turns out Vegas oddsmakers bet on the Miss Universal pageant, and Donna was the favorite to win, until the lawsuit.
So, who's the new favorite? Miss China.
China's never won before.
True, but she's gorgeous.
Not to mention she got a boost when they added more weight to the talent portion.
The girl can rock a piano.
Okay, Donna, who all was in the greenroom right before you found the memo? Miss China.
But she's a friend.
She would never do anything to hurt me.
We're gonna have to talk to her.
Her name's Lanfen, and she goes to the café by her hotel every day during her morning break.
Let's go get some coffee.
Oh, I'd never do anything to put those kids in danger.
I just wanted them to have a perfect afternoon.
- So you took them to the pier.
- Yeah.
I I wanted them to experience the majesty of the waves, the beauty of the dolphins breaching.
Thank you.
Being a coach is like being a parent, isn't it? Oh, I'd say so.
Would you also say that you apply your parental judgment when dealing with the team? - Absolutely.
- Hmm.
- This document is people's exhibit "C.
" - What is it? - Affidavit.
- Filed by? My daughter, Kimberly Kaswell.
The affidavit was filed as part of her application for college financial aid.
We had no notice.
It's impeachment.
Notice isn't required.
Your Honor, we'd like the witness to, uh, read the highlighted portion.
"My father is not a presence in my life.
" "He is unwilling to help me with my educational expenses.
" "I have had no meaningful contact with him for years.
" "And I don't see that changing.
" None of this has any relevance to my client's state of mind at the time of the field trip.
Kaswell's own words show a history of irresponsible behavior when it comes to children.
I agree.
The jury may consider the affidavit.
I never knew that you had to write a letter to your college.
It was a long time ago.
I was a terrible father.
It was unfair of me to show up like I did.
Dad, let's just go home.
You know what? I I want to take the plea.
You won't be able to coach again.
You'll lose the Bulldogs.
Look, Kimmy, I'm a goofball most of the time.
But now I'm being serious.
Please, take the plea.
I'll go home my home.
Yes? I'm the mother who called the police when my son Michael wasn't at the park.
- I'm so sorry.
- No.
This isn't your fault.
Michael's a shy kid.
I thought joining a team might bring him out of his shell, but it didn't.
Then your dad showed up.
The man has endless patience and he really gets through to the kids.
I know it's none of my business, but whatever happened between the two of you in the past, you can be proud of him now.
He's a good man.
Thank you.
Got a minute? Donna, what are you doing here? You figured she'd just disappear, didn't you? I'm happy to see her.
Uh, who are you? She's a lawyer.
Lanfen, can we talk to you for just a minute? - I guess.
- I'll cut to the chase.
We believe you sabotaged Donna.
That's crazy.
Come on, Lanfen.
You planted that fake memo, and you know it.
We were friends.
And this conversation it's over.
You know, now that Donna is disqualified, you're the favorite to win, and we know that you were in that greenroom right before her, giving you the perfect opportunity.
I wasn't in the greenroom.
I got called out last minute.
Really? By whom? The head of pageant P.
He wanted me to take some publicity photos.
There are no publicity photos taken during the rehearsals.
I know.
I thought it was strange, but, you know, he said he needed a photo of me with my country's flag.
I still have his text message.
I'm really sorry, Lanfen.
I was sad when you lost your title honest.
- That was awful.
- Yeah.
I feel badly for accusing her, but she did have the most to gain.
Wait a minute.
The big winners at pageants aren't just the contestants.
The countries win, too.
You think a country forged the memo? No, but I think all roads lead to China.
Donna, I know who rigged this pageant.
Bronson, you have business dealings - across the globe, correct? - Yes.
And, currently, you have a pending deal for a casino in Macao, China? That's right.
Now, according to your corporate quarterly report, you have spent $450 million on the project but have yet to be approved for your gaming license.
We expect it any day now.
Now, tell me, Mr.
Bronson, you testified that you were recently in Macao.
Did you meet with any government officials? Yes, the minister of their Gaming Commission.
And? And the Minister of Arts and Culture.
Did you promise the Minister of Arts and Culture that miss China would win the pageant if they pressured the gaming commissioner to get you a license for your casino? That's ridiculous.
Now, isn't it true that you recently changed the pageant rules to give more weight to the talent competition, thus favoring miss China? I don't know who the rule change favored.
Well, as of three days ago, Donna Andrews was still the odds-on favorite.
So you had to find a way to disqualify her.
Hence, you had your P.
head plant a fake memo, knowing that Donna would find it and go public.
I mean, I have to admit it's kind of brilliant.
Anyway, on the day my client found the memo, you had your head of P.
take publicity photos of miss China, - didn't you? - If you say so.
Oh, I do say so.
And, in fact, we subpoenaed his e-mail account and discovered that those photos were subsequently sent to an official at the Chinese Ministry of Arts and Culture.
Now, of course, we did we contacted that official, and he told us that the photos were for miss China's victory parade, which has already been scheduled.
But she hasn't won the pageant yet or has she? I refuse to answer on the grounds it might incriminate me.
That's a good idea, since bribing a government official is a violation of the foreign corrupt practices act, whether it is suitcases full of cash or a simple pageant crown.
Boys, you can arrest him now.
Based on this newly discovered evidence, we ask that you reverse your earlier ruling and issue a verdict in favor of my client.
So ordered.
Oh, and Mr.
Bronson never mess with a beauty queen.
I understand Mr.
Kaswell is accepting the plea.
Yes, Your Honor.
Um, I'm sorry, Your Honor.
My client rejects the plea.
- What? - Kim.
Dad, the jury needs to hear from someone else me.
As you all now know, my father left me when I was a kid.
He didn't teach me how to ride a bike.
He didn't attend my school play.
And he certainly didn't coach my baseball team.
He walked out, and I hated him for it.
But the man who walked out on me isn't the same man who stands before you today.
By coaching the Bulldogs, my father found a way to become the amazing man that I always wanted in my life.
Years ago, I would have told you to lock him up, throw away the key.
But the man I hated he no longer exists.
Larry Kaswell is kind, and he's decent.
He's responsible.
So please don't punish who he was.
Celebrate who he's become.
I know I will.
Thank you for meeting me.
Of course.
What's going on? Well, for starters, the government is collecting fines from Bronson for bribing foreign officials, and you are entitled to 30% of those fines.
Oh, my God.
I know.
But it gets better.
Okay, the U.
Attorney was gonna force Bronson to liquidate the pageant, but I had a better idea.
In lieu of your 30%, I suggested that they give the pageant to you.
Give the pageant to me? I'd own the pageant? Well, I mean, unless you prefer the cash.
Oh, my God! That's amazing! Oh, Jane, I promise to be the best pageant owner ever.
And I vow to protect and defend the honor, integrity, kindness, and decency that are the soul of any true pageant queen.
Oh! - Hey.
- Hi.
Can I help you? Uh well, I won my qui tam case.
- Yep, that is great news.
- Yes.
- Grayson already told me.
- Oh.
What's going on, Jane? Okay.
I know that you said no to Stacy, and I think I know why.
Do you, now? Being a sperm donor for a lovely woman trying to have a baby? Owen, that is something you would do If it weren't for me.
So this is about you.
The only reason you said no is because you think that we might still get back together, and if that is what you want, I'm ready to work through our issues and and, someday, start a family of our own.
But if I'm wrong, and we're really, really over, please, please be true to who you are and help Stacy start a family.
Got your text.
Am I going to jail? The clerk called.
You're home free, and you get to go back to coaching the Bulldogs.
But you have to continue living with me through the end of playoffs.
Oh, well, great.
I, uh I don't know what to say.
Look, I'll be out of the house by the end of the championships, okay? Not so fast.
Once the baby's here, I'm gonna need a little help, so I expect you to pull your weight.
I, uh I don't even know how to change a diaper.
Never learned.
I, uh whew, boy.
I guess there's a first time for everything, huh? Well, you can start with this.
Uh oh, great.
Just pretend it's a diaper bag.
Hey, dad, I'll meet you at the elevator.
All right, sweetheart.
- Grayson, got a minute? - Sure.
What's up? Excuse me.
Is something going on with you and Nicole? I'm not judging you if there is.
I mean, we all know I've found company with people at this office.
Why are you asking? Come on.
Lawyers and support staff? I mean, if you're serious with her, then fine.
Good for you.
But if it's just a fling, they tend to end in tears and out-of-court settlements.
So as a partner, I'm asking you to consider whether it's worth ruining a long-term working relationship for a bit of fun.
I'll take care of it.
Can we talk in private? Everything okay? Let's go outside.
Nicole I want to say that I've enjoyed the time we've spent together.
Me too.
But we both know it's just been a fling, and I'm not really a fling kind of guy.
Well, I appreciate you telling me.
So I'd like us to go on a date Like, a real date If that's cool.
But I got to warn you I don't sleep with guys on the first date.
Gonna go.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Hi, Stace.
Uh, do you have a minute? I'd like to talk now.
Yeah, yeah.
Of course.
Um, just packing up for the night.
Maybe I can take you out for a drink.
Yeah, okay.
Is everything okay, sweetie? Mm-hmm.
Jane, I'm having a baby.
What? Oh, my God.
What? Owen just told me that he changed his mind.
He's gonna be my sperm donor.
Oh, my God.
That that's amazing.
Oh, my God.
Um, I'm so happy for you.
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