Duck Dodgers (2003) s01e04 Episode Script

What you doing there, Isaac Neutron? CADET: I'm conducting an experiment on that rare specimen a ferocious octegerius.
What? If there's any experimenting to do around here I'm gonna do it myself.
Step aside.
I guess I'll start with this button right - Not that button.
- here.
Wow, now, that's some experimenting.
I need a closer look.
Don't go in there.
It's just a harmless little flower.
[SNIFFING.]
Ah, sweet and gentle Mother Nature.
[COUGHING.]
No! I think that I shall never see a thing as lovely as the flower.
[S N E E z E S.]
[SCREAMS.]
What's gotten into that pig? Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Check it out, cadet.
I think they make me look distinguished.
Aah! Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Okay, now you're starting to creep me out.
What's the deal? "The pollen of the ferocious octegerius creates an allergic reaction that causes most species especially Earthlings to age in a rapidly accelerating manner.
" Aah! I'm doomed! - But wait, there's a cure.
- There is? - "It's special water - Ducks love water.
- of a one-of-a-kind mineral spring - Okay.
that flows deep beneath the empirical Martian palace.
" The palace with the guards and the zappy things that burn you like toast? Set a course.
A thousand pardons, my queen but Duck Dodgers' ship has been detected heading straight for us.
Duck Dodgers? Yes, Your Beautifulness.
I mean, Highness.
Something serious must be going on for Dodgers to risk coming here.
Observe him.
Report to me.
Alrighty, cadet, it's over the walls through the palace and right to the Martian springs.
Got it.
By the way, do I look any older? Uh, you look great.
How about me? Well, you look old.
Really, really, really old.
Ancient.
Heh, heh.
Have you ever seen those shows about Egyptian mummies? [LAUGHS.]
Ferocious octegerius, is it? Hmm.
All I have to do is keep them on that side of this wall and they'll eventually crumble to dust.
How lovely.
[PANTING.]
What do you know, a plasma grenade.
So this is how I bid this cruel world adieu.
CADET: I'll save you, captain.
I'll throw myself on that little explosive.
You can do it.
Hustle.
It is my greatest wish to sacrifice myself for my captain.
Let's see some knees and elbows.
Knees and elbows.
Move it.
Move it.
Move it.
CADET: Hey, shall I call the paramedics? Eh, put them on speed dial.
So why didn't you mention these before? - Mention what? - You know what.
The elevator boots.
It's all in the employee handbook.
Heh.
You didn't even read the manual.
I heard that.
- If we can just stay clear of that little-- COMMANDER: Excuse me.
Did you wander away from the retirement center again? Some of us just don't age well.
Tsk, tsk.
And what's this growing on your face? Not a pretty picture.
[S N E E z E S.]
I suppose I had that coming.
Oh, my.
You'll never see those springs, Grandpa.
- Out of my way, sonny.
- Whoa! [THUDS.]
[GROANS.]
What happened to him? Ferocious octegerius has reverse effect on Martians.
Let's get out of here before it's changing time.
Right behind you.
Now, if we can just find the elevators to the Martian springs.
I hope that little squirt doesn't show up.
Quick, get in.
Hurry up.
Hurry up.
Come on in, the water's fine.
Of all the idiotic, beak-crushing predicaments.
Open the door! Open the door! My, but that song sure brings back memories.
DODGERS: Push the button! Help! That's an order! Cadet, push the button! What are you waiting for? Me blast ducky-wucky into chunky-wunkies.
DODGERS: Help! Cadet, what's going on in there? [WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY.]
[GIGGLING.]
DODGERS: Open the door! [DODGERS & CADET SCREAMING.]
[THUDS.]
[BOTH COUGHING.]
Where'd you get them giant eyeglasses? Eyeglasses? I don't see any giant eyeglasses.
Let's just find those silly springs and get out of here.
Did you see that the Martian was wearing a diaper? At least we've been spared that indignity.
Ain't that right, cadet? Cadet? Cadet? Cadet? I just turned around for a minute and that blasted fool--Aah! Oh, the poor little guy.
There ain't nothing left to him.
Ashes to ashes.
Pork to dust.
I just wish I would've had a chance to say goodbye.
[CRYING.]
[BOTH CRYING.]
Need a tissue, friend? It's coated with lanolin.
Cadet, you're alive.
Boy, am I happy to see-- Hey, just what are you crying about anyway? I lost my glasses.
DODGERS: There it is.
The Martian springs.
And it's just on the other side of that bottomless gorge.
Come on, let's go.
I'm not crossing any bottomless gorge.
Then stay here and I'll bring some of the water to you.
Oh, thank you.
Such a nice boy.
If you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself.
Googoo.
All right, Martian, let's get this over with once and for all.
Googoo gaga, momma, dada.
Don't you "momma, dada" me.
Feel the sting of my laser saber.
[CRYING.]
Keep your diaper on, sonny.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Cadet! Huh? How do you turn this flippity-jibbit doohickey on? The green button is on and the red button is off.
Oh, or is it the green button is percolate and the red button is Esperanto? Ah, forget it.
If you want a piece of me, come get some.
[SNORING.]
Aw, isn't he precious? Did you see that, cadet? [SNORING.]
Eh, who am I kidding? They're both precious.
Come on, little one, time to take your bath.
You too, Rip van Wrinkle.
[SINGING.]
Sleep my babies Gently sleeping Sleep, sleep, sleep - Hooray! - Yahoo! [CHEERS.]
I'm sure glad to be back to my same old self.
Yeah.
Everything's back to normal.
Speaking of normal I do believe that we are sworn enemies.
Do I feel a sneeze coming on? You wouldn't dare.
- Ah-- - Don't do it.
I want my mommy.
Ahchoo.
Aah! Ferocious octegerius.
DODGERS: Like I always say, all's well that ends well.
Ha-ha-ha.
- It's a pun.
- I get it.
[DIPLOMATS CLAMORING INDISTINCTLY.]
MAN: Oh, yeah? Your mother.
Wow, not good.
Hey there, I.
Q.
, how's the peace treaty coming along? Oh, we're making some real progress.
[CRASHING.]
Oh, who am I kidding? Dodgers, I've got an important mission for you.
Make it quick.
I'm on my break.
Our galaxy stands on the brink of war.
The only being that can negotiate this peace treaty is Ozmo, the wise alien philosopher.
Give me that.
Listen carefully.
You are to go get Ozmo and bring him back here safely.
Now! Go! Right now! Okay, but I'm banking the last five minutes of my break.
Mmm.
[SIREN BLARING.]
It sure was nice of that police officer to loan you his car.
What police officer? You know, the one you asked to borrow this car.
I didn't ask anybody to borrow this car.
I thought you did.
Yes, it sure was nice of him.
We're here to pick up the great philosopher.
Is the old geezer ready? Why, yes.
Ozmo's been waiting for you.
[GIGGLING.]
That's a baby.
Of course it's a baby.
Members of Ozmo's species are born with amazing brilliance.
And this little cutie is especially gifted.
However, he still has the physical needs of an infant.
Yuck.
He's so cute.
Hey, he's gonna ta--Say something.
A gentle hand may lead an elephant by a hair.
- Cool.
- Do me next.
Do me next.
A man who never made a mistake never made anything.
I'm gonna use that one on I.
Q.
Hi.
A single arrow is easily broken.
A bundle of 10 is not.
Please all and you will soon please none.
[GIGGLES.]
Save some of that magic for the negotiations.
COMMANDER: Attack! You okay, cadet? - I'm okay.
But where's Ozmo? COMMANDER: Ha-ha-ha.
Can't even mind a baby.
CADET: No! - He's got a baby.
- Right.
Too bad.
That's that.
No, it's not.
You go back to headquarters and stall for time.
I'll go after Ozmo.
Away! That's pretty much what I was gonna say.
Away! Oh, taxi.
COMMANDER: I think he is going to say something.
One father is more than one hundred schoolmasters.
COMMANDER: Oh, father.
Commander, we're being pursued.
COMMANDER: Centurions, eliminate that pig.
Break off, M-One.
I've got him right where I want him.
I've got him.
I've got him.
I've lost him.
He just disappeared.
I see him.
Hold still.
Hold very still.
Whoops.
You moved.
I said hold still.
He moved, right? You saw it.
Hey, hold still.
This is for M-Two.
Even though he moved and was partially to blame it's mostly your fault.
What is that thing? It looks like a giant golf club coming right for my-- --head.
Huh, it landed right on the green.
Come back here with that baby philosopher.
It's time to give this persistent porker the slip.
[DIPLOMATS CLAMORING INDISTINCTLY.]
All right.
I just need to stall for a few minutes until the cadet brings Ozmo back.
This baby getup should do the trick.
- Yes? - Googoo gaga.
Ozmo, is that you? Hmm.
A penny saved is a penny earned.
Ozmo, it is you.
The peace conference is saved.
Give it up, Martian.
One more step and it's bye-bye baby.
[CRYING.]
There, there.
I was just making an empty threat.
No one is going to pulverize the little cookie-wookums.
Now let's put the baby in his carriage for a little nappy-wappy.
- Ozmo's coming with me.
- Shh.
Can't you see the baby's sleeping? Oh, sorry.
I said Ozmo's coming with me.
COMMANDER: No, he's not.
I'm taking him to the Martian high command.
CADET: That baby's going to the galactic protectorate.
[GASPS.]
[SCREAMS.]
[DIPLOMATS CLAMORING INDISTINCTLY.]
- Let's see this guy.
- Yeah.
Bring out the philosopher.
Okay, they seemed to have calmed down a bit since I threw in that goat carcass.
I'll introduce you.
[BOOING.]
- Esteemed delegates DIPLOMAT 1: Shut up.
- we are proud to bring you DIPLOMAT 2: Hack.
the great philosopher Ozmo.
Okay, I warmed them up for you.
Good luck.
Thanks, doc.
You did a great job, really.
DIPLOMAT 3: It's a baby.
DIPLOMAT 4: A baby chicken.
Where in the world are they? [IN UNISON.]
Come back, baby! [BOTH GASP.]
I'll take it from here.
Right behind you, tubby.
[PANTING.]
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
[BOTH SCREAMING.]
I think we're safe.
[BOTH SCREAMING.]
[DIPLOMATS CLAMORING INDISTINCTLY.]
DODGERS: Must stall for time.
[YAWNS.]
- Go for it? - Go for it.
Hang on to that chain.
Hang on to that baby.
[SCREAMS.]
[SCREAMS.]
[COMMANDER GRUNTING.]
COMMANDER: Most of me is in considerable pain, but my bottom is soft and fresh.
If you want to see what qualities a man lacks observe those he boasts about.
[CHEERING.]
Never belch into a strong wind.
I love you guys.
Pick up dry cleaning on Thursday.
[CHEERING.]
Ozmo really has them eating out of his hands doesn't he, Ozmo? Dodgers.
[DIPLOMATS MURMURING INDISTINCTLY.]
DIPLOMAT 5: Is the baby okay? DIPLOMAT 6: The baby's all right.
[DIPLOMATS CHEERING.]
[SNIFFS.]
- You wearing talcum powder? - I think the baby's gonna say something.
We're saved.
Peace won by compromise is usually a short-lived achievement.
To be prepared for war is one of the most effective ways of preserving peace.
To arms, to arms, ye brave.
The avenging sword unsheathed.
March on, march on! Our hearts resolved on victory or death.
That baby took the words right out of my mouth.
[ALL GRUNTING.]
[STUTTERING.]
- What? - Well, it just goes to show you kids say the darndest things.
[English - US -SDH.]