Duck Dodgers (2003) s01e05 Episode Script

I'm Going to Get You, Fat Sucka / Detained Duck

DODGERS: Don't mess this up, cadet.
This is my big chance to be an ambassador of the people of Earth.
Are you sure you have the right coordinates? Are you questioning my authority? I sure am, because this place looks scary.
And it seems abandoned too.
DODGERS: Are you kidding? It's probably teeming with life.
- Anybody home? CADET: No.
DODGERS: It appears to be the entrance to some sort of meeting center.
With a strange sense of foreboding and fear, I am drawn toward it as if by some mysterious force.
- Really? - Nah.
Just making small talk.
There's nobody here.
Let's go.
But look, someone set a table for us.
Go ahead, you know what to do.
No, introduce me! Introducing his Excellency, the ambassador from planet Earth Duck Dodgers.
Sorry, no answer.
Say it like you mean it.
Put some oomph in it.
[SHADOW SCREECHING] Welcome to my humble abode.
I am Count Muerte.
[STUTTERING] Hi, there.
Go on.
You are? He's nobody.
I, on the other hand, am the ambassador of planet Earth.
- His Excellency, the grand - Yes.
- supreme - Go on.
- ambassador Duck Dodgers.
- Great.
And you, my little tubby friend, who might you be? He's a cadet who is not an ambassador.
How rude of me.
I have had this banquet prepared in your honor.
Thank you.
COUNT: And you, cadet come down here and sit right next to me, eh? Tell me a little about yourself.
The only thing I know about you is that you're not an ambassador.
Well, there's not much to tell.
I graduated summa cum laude from the academy.
- I'm an expert-- - Excuse me.
I need some ketchup down here.
Anybody? Hello? And that's how I ended world hunger.
Okay, cadet, time for you to get back to the ship and do that regularly scheduled thing.
Every time I tell that world-hunger story I have to go purge the ship's septic system.
This'll give us a chance to talk.
You know, just the two of us.
You go first.
Any questions about Earth? Why, yes.
How much would you say the cadet weighs? Have you measured his body-fat ratio? What is his cholesterol count? Look, bub, I didn't come clear across the galaxy to talk about how fat my pig is.
I myself am thin as a rail.
Fit as a fiddle.
[COUNT SCREAMS] Get this off of me! It's only a piece of semi-firm tofu.
Chewy, yet tasteless.
Silence! [IN DAzED VOICE] Yes, master.
Your "healthy foods" are poison to me.
For I am a fat-sucking vampire! I survive by feeding on the fat of the living.
So you must lure your cadet to me.
Yes, my dark master.
I will capture the cadet for you so you can suck, suck, suck his fat delicious piggy fat.
Hello there, piggy boy.
Y--Y--You look terrible.
You haven't been hitting the modavian punch again, have you? [CHUCKLING] So funny, your jokes.
Now sit, juicy dinner, in comfy chair and I coming back with snack for you.
Don't move! He's sure acting strange and nutty.
[BOTH HISS] Why, hello.
I didn't know I had company.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
You ladies look hungry.
- Yes.
- So very hungry.
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY] The master so pleased will be.
Hi, captain.
Have a snap-happy day.
Where are you going? Why did you not detain him for the master? He's such a nice guy.
He actually cared about our feelings.
We mostly get the crazy bug-eating types.
Do you have my delicious pig meal? Well, the funny thing is, my master, no.
Daddy, are we going to go hungry tonight? I'm afraid all I can offer you is a light snack.
Let's this, like rational people, discuss.
Ow! Cut it out, I'm ticklish.
[GIGGLING] [GIGGLES] Not this plan shall fail the master.
Ouch! The piggy boy no escape this trap.
Come, my sleepy piggy.
A bed.
I made for you.
That's awfully nice of you but I'm not tired.
Yes, you are! I see it in your eyes! They are very heavy.
Well, maybe I'm a little tired.
Here is your bed.
Sleep, pig.
Can I get a glass of water first? Don't move.
Here, drink.
Drink it all, sleepy pig.
Sleep, my pig.
Say, I forgot to brush my-- Oh, brushing, brushing, brushing stinky piggy teeth.
Make so clean.
Now you lay down.
I really do need to go to the bathroom.
That I will not do for you.
Hurry back.
This all comes from too much drinking water before bedtime.
Where was I? Oh, yes.
I was dancing around like a madman.
Now, you lay down.
Heh, heh.
I forgot to call my mother and-- What is it with you, Mr.
Pig? Going to sleep is simple.
You just hop into bed and think happy.
[YELLING] Captain, are you all right? I lost six inches off my waist, and I've never felt better.
You must be awfully uncomfortable.
- I'll get you a pillow.
- Thank you, nice pig boy.
Pork-fat pie.
Pork-fat pudding.
Pork-fat flambé.
I wonder if that imbecile has captured my dinner.
[CADET SCATTING] Never send an imbecile to do a vampire's job.
Captain, I've got your plushy pillow.
[BAT GROWLING] [BAT GROWLS AND CADET SCREAMS] [YELLING] Ugh! [PANTING] Where are you going, juicy dinner? Don't worry, my little friend, it'll only hurt a little.
[GULPS] [BELCHES] [CHOKES] Rigor mortis! [MANIACAL LAUGHTER] Master? [IN NORMAL VOICE] Cadet? Cadet? Cadet? Oh, poor little hapless fool.
I will mourn your loss.
Captain, isn't it about time we get back to the ship? You're alive! I thought you got eaten by that spooky creep.
Oh, he didn't eat me.
I tricked him into eating a decoy made of fat-free cheese, wheat germ and semi-firm tofu.
I guess healthy food really didn't agree with him.
Well, the next time we run across a mysterious alien race you be the ambassador.
- Yes? - I've got a prisoner for you.
Drake Darkstar.
I heard he was coming my way.
Don't you have a reception team? Are you kidding? I'm not taking any chances with this guy.
Saddle up, boys.
Take your positions.
Bring in the transport pot.
Set shock sticks to full charge.
[WEAPONS FIRING UP] Secure those plasma restraints.
Unh! [DARKSTAR CACKLING] Hold your fire! No.
Hello, boys.
[DARKSTAR AND CAPTAIN YELL] Cadet, what's our estimated time of arrival? Our ETA to the prison station is three minutes.
- What are we delivering? - Toilet paper.
Toilet paper? "Four hundred twenty-six thousand rolls of Soft-Tee brand toilet paper.
The softest, most comfortablest toilet paper money can buy.
- Now with aloe.
" - Give me that! "Four hundred twenty-six thousand rolls Soft-Tee toilet paper for delivery to.
" [GASPS] I'm a paper boy.
A toilet paper boy.
I've tried so hard and now I'm reduced to this disgrace.
I'm glad my mother is not around to see this.
She washed floors in that rat-infested tenement building for 40 long years just so I might live in the basement - and play video games.
- Here, Captain Dodgers.
Huh? Well, I have to admit it is the most comfortablest.
And that aloe did feel good on my eyelid.
Look sharp, men.
Darkstar has gotta be around here somewhere.
Yes, but not for long.
The sooner I get this indignity over with, the better.
They must be expecting me.
Bet they ran out of toilet paper.
You never realize how important this stuff is till you're sitting there stranded.
I'll just drop my load and be on my way.
On my way to a new and more glorious life of crime where men fear me.
And toilet paper is a previous commodity.
A land that will live in terror and shudder in fear.
Whenever there's a toilet paper shortage they know who to call.
Drake Darkstar, master villain and evildoer.
And he can go to the bathroom all on his own.
No more diapers.
They sent the right duck to remedy this dire situation.
[CRASHES INTO WALL] Whoops! [FORKLIFT BEEPING] Another job well done.
Got him! Hey, boys.
Sorry about the damage but at least I brought you the toilet paper.
All I need is someone to sign for the TP and I'll be on my way.
Or if you would like to avoid finance charges you can pay me directly.
Ah! This hapless fool looks like my ticket out of here.
[YELPS] Watch the threads, slick.
I'm still working on the finance charges.
Say, you look familiar.
- Really? - Yeah.
Like a guy I know.
I bet he always has a stupid look on his face.
Like this.
Yeah, yeah, stupid like that.
Say, can you do Jack Nicholson? [AS JACK NICHOLSON] "So you wanna see the stars, do you?" Wow.
You're terrific.
Now that I've fulfilled your request, I have one of my own.
I'd like to trade clothes and identities, okay? [AS DODGERS] Okay.
Sir, we've got a confirmed sighting of Darkstar.
And he keeps talking about toilet paper.
He's one sick, twisted individual.
Ta-ta, Duck Dodgers.
I mean, Drake Darkstar.
The last time this happened I woke up in Tijuana.
- Reach for the sky, scuzz-bag.
- Yep, Tijuana.
For 20 years, I've waited for my chance to escape.
Nothing can stop me now.
CAPTAIN: I don't care how many times you claim to be Duck Dodgers.
We all know that you're a vicious monster.
In fact, you're one of the greatest fiends the galaxy has ever known.
Why, the name Drake Darkstar strikes fear into the hearts of billions.
And don't you forget it, gappy.
What was that supposed to mean? Heh.
Just got caught up in the moment.
Welcome home, Darkstar.
Oh, my.
It sure is gloomy in here.
Captain Dodgers must've been playing with the dimmer switch again.
It sort of gives everything a spooky look.
Hello there.
Why hello, Captain Dodgers.
All finished with your delivery? Yes.
- Are you feeling okay? - Never felt better.
Great, super.
It's time for us to flee the shackles of incarceration.
- Okay.
- Get us out of here! No can do, captain.
What? Well, I was using this down time to do maintenance on the ship's motherboard.
You know how you like to eat snacks on the bridge? Those greasy crumbs worked their way into the sensitive electronics.
So from time to time I clean that junk out.
Now the motherboard is disconnected and soaking in a solution of grenadine and bitters.
If there is anything you value about your pathetic little life you will put this ship in order.
Am I making myself clear, cadet? [STAMMERING] Perfect.
[HORN BLASTING] Exercise time.
Darkstar, that means you too.
Nice health club.
I wonder if they have a Pilates class.
Hey, there's some jovial fellow inmates.
I'm sure they'll wanna help me out.
Hey there, homeboys.
Anybody up for a little breaking-out-of-prison action? Hey, shut up, would you? Yeah, you trying to get us in trouble? Why would we help Drake Darkstar, anyway? [MEOWS] Well, I'll let you in on a little secret.
I'm not Drake Darkstar.
I'm actually Duck Dodgers.
You mean the same Duck Dodgers who put me in here? I'm sorry, I didn't put my contacts in this morning but.
[YELLS] Cat Head Murphy of the Kitty Litter Crew.
That's right.
Heh, heh, I hope that condition with the hairballs cleared up.
Remember me, Dodgers? Stygor, the scam artist.
Thanks to you, they gave me 25 to life for selling new aluminum gutters to little old ladies who didn't really need them! How about me? It's funny, but you really don't ring a bell.
Still don't remember me? - Sorry.
- I'm Krag the Klunkin.
Remember the battle for Thessalonia Seven? I've never even been to Thessalonia Six.
But you're Doug.
Doug Rogers, right? No, I'm Duck Dodgers.
- Oh.
- You really wrinkled my T-shirt.
You're gonna pay for what you did to us, Dodgers.
That is for what you did to most of us.
Oh, come on, fellas.
I wanna make him pay too.
Can't we just discuss this like rational creatures? [ALL YELLING] Suckers.
That was almost too easy.
Status report, cadet.
I'm soldering as fast as I can, sir.
Not fast enough.
I've put you on a deadline.
Chop-chop, little piggy, your time is running out.
I'm afraid I can't let you have the motherboard.
But I have a surprise for you, cadet.
A deep, dark, soul-shredding surprise.
[CHUCKLES] [LAUGHING MANIACALLY] DODGERS: Hate to toot my own horn but I am pretty good at picking out a hiding spot.
[YELLS] [GRUNTING] [COUGHS] Ho-ho! A speedy vehicle with which to make my escape.
Come on, you stupid thing, go faster! Look! Drake Darkstar is escaping in that slow-moving, anachronistic garbage truck.
Clever, Darkstar.
Very clever.
Give it up, criminal.
There's my ship.
I gotta keep this motherboard away from that lunatic.
Now I've got the motherboard, the ship and the pig-boy sidekick.
DODGERS: Not so fast, Darkstar! That's my ship and my pig-boy sidekick.
The motherboard is a rental.
Come now, Dodgers, I'm the most evil genius in the universe.
You're out of your league.
Now you're gonna get it.
Be careful, captain.
Hey-ya! Unh! [YELLING] [GASPING] [GASPING AND SHUDDERING] Hold it right there, Darkstar.
It's time to lock this impostor up and throw away the key.
You're the only impostor here, impostor.
We can't tell one from the other.
It's like some kind of crazy déjà vu.
Cadet, help the friendly officers out, would you? Well, I guess I know Captain Dodgers better than anyone.
That's right.
- He can prove I'm the real me.
- I don't know.
Tell him about the time I gave you space lice.
Or the time you came over to help me move and I faked having a hernia.
- Remember that? - Oh, oh, yeah.
Hey, I know.
Tell him about the time I sold your sister to the sausage factory.
You sold his sister to the sausage factory? Dude, that's cold.
Gentlemen, that's the real Duck Dodgers, right there.
What? You fink.
Don't listen to him.
- He don't know nothing.
- Get him, boys.
Hey, I'm the real Dodgers.
Tell him about the time I told that kid to put your shoes in the toilet.
Or the time I starched your tail.
Well, at least he'll be much nicer to me than Captain Dodgers ever was.