Duck Dodgers (2003) s02e12 Episode Script

Of Course You Know This Means War and Peace (1)

CARBONITE: The war between Earth and Mars has been raging for over 200 years.
FALLING: But today, there's new hope that the conflict may finally be coming to an end.
- Good evening.
I'm Skye Falling.
- And I'm Walter Carbonite coming to you live from Neutralia, where leaders from Earth and Mars are gathered to sign this historic peace treaty.
Dignitaries from around the universe have come to witness the big event including the president of space, along with his lovely first lady, Mrs.
Space.
There's Captain Star Johnson.
Secretary of the stratosphere Doctor I.
Q.
Hi along with his psychoanalyst brother, Doctor Psy-Q Hi.
And other government bigwigs.
[WIGS CHIRPING] CARBONITE: And representing the angry red planet, Queen Tyr'ahnee of Mars.
FALLING: Accompanied by Commander X-2 whose rise to power has been recently eclipsed by a new shining star the queen's new secretary of war and peace, General z-9.
z-9 is not only the leader of the Martian military and author of the peace treaty but according to the rumor mill, he's also on track to being the queen's new consort.
No good, two-faced, social-climbing snake in the grass.
- Your majesty.
- You don't like him, do you? COMMANDER: Oh, I wouldn't say that, Your Highness.
I like him, in a way.
In a "gee, I can't wait to go to his funeral" sort of way.
[PLAYING FANFARE] - Where are the pens? - The pens? Dodgers, where are you? You couldn't let it go, could you? You just had to dicker over the price.
It's highway robbery.
They sell the pens cheap, then they gouge you on the ink.
It's a total racket.
Well, maybe, but that's no reason to call their leader a banana-nosed Nostrilian nuggeteer.
[IN ALIEN LANGUAGE] [IN ALIEN LANGUAGE] Dodgers, what's keeping you and those ceremonial pens? We're on our way, I.
Q.
Strap yourself in, Cadet.
Another enemy thwarted.
And once that treaty is signed, we won't have many enemies.
There'll be peace in space.
Won't that be fantast.
[STUTTERING] - Won't that be nice? - I guess.
But if there's peace, the defense budget will be cut.
There'll be layoffs, downsizing.
I could lose my job.
Booted from the service.
Forced to scrounge for whatever measly civil servant's job I can find! Duh, your vehicle ain't got no smog inspection sticker.
Next.
This peace treaty scenario may be a problemo for one little black duck.
[CHUCKLES MANIACALLY] - Bucket head.
- Earth creature.
So, what do you think? Could today mark the end of our mutual hatred? Highly unlikely, Dodgers.
Whether at war or in peace, I shall always loathe you.
You shall always love me? Ew! - I said loathe, you idiot.
- Did not.
- Did too.
- You love a duck! - I do not.
Uh-uh.
- Do too.
Uh-huh.
- Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.
[BOTH YELL] [PLAYING FANFARE] Let the signing begin.
What? - Hm.
- Hm.
[CHUCKLES] [ALL GASP] Oh, dear.
Could it be I overdid it a tad? [ALL GASPING] This is a mockery.
An outrage.
Of course you know this means war! Eh, tsk, tsk.
Now, where have I heard that line before? CADET: Well, it looks like it's back to space opera heroics for us.
Yes.
Ever on alert to protect the skyways.
What's on the idiot box? Hoping to resurrect the peace treaty Star Johnson has been sent to patch up the rift between Earth and Mars.
Johnson gets all the cushy assignments.
FALLING: Meanwhile, the secretary of home planet security J.
Edgar Ashcan, is leading the investigation into what went wrong.
I'll hunt down the reprobate responsible for this pen fiasco and make them pay through the nose! The investigation has led Secretary J.
Edgar Ashcan to Nostrilia Ten.
Uh-oh.
FALLING: There, the locals were able to sniff out a few clues.
Which sent us down an unexpected path to where we are today.
- Open up, Dodgers! - Aah! Cadet! Fire up the thrusters! Get us out of here! [STAMMERS] - Why, captain? ASHCAN: We know you're in there! I was afraid I'd lose my job.
I sabotaged the pens.
Sabotage? Save me, Cadet! It's your duty as a sycophantic underling.
[CRYING] Please! [GRUNTS] Don't worry.
Don't fret, captain.
I'll take the blame.
I have a spotless record.
They're sure to let me off easy.
What a pal! [KISSES] Mm, salty.
And never fear.
If things get hairy, I'll stick up for you.
[POUNDING ON DOOR] Duck Dodgers, I charge you with-- He did it.
He did it.
Take him away.
Oh, thanks for sticking up for me.
Oh, right.
Shoot.
I knew I forgot something.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
[CHATTERING THEN GAVEL RAPS] JUDGE: Order in the court.
The Eager Young Space Cadet has been found guilty of intergalactic sabotage.
Cadet, you are hereby sentenced for the rest of your life to the Wongtona Guanamo Bay penal colony.
[TEETH CHATTERING] [GRUMBLING] Stop! This is wrong, all wrong.
Begging the court's indulgence, but please, let me speak.
I confess.
[GASPING AND MURMURING] I confess that I tried to stop that pig.
But would he listen? No.
For he is a headstrong hog.
Oh, yes, my friends, this little piggy went to market where he purchased the ingredients of his subterfuge.
Then this little piggy stayed home plotting and scheming.
Every night, this little piggy had roast beef, with mashed potatoes, Yorkshire pudding and succotash! But did he have a daily exercise regimen to work on his abs? No.
This little piggy had none.
And now he begs for mercy? Well, I say it's time for this little piggy to go wee, wee, wee, all the way home to prison! [ALL CHEERING] Uh, thanks for the great defense, captain.
Oh, defense.
Right.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
That Dodgers is exactly the kind of dynamic personality who can salvage the peace treaty.
My Queen, Star Johnson has arrived from Earth.
Your Majesty, I am here to renegotiate the peace.
- Very well.
- But not with you, Johnson.
We'll negotiate only with him.
Duck Dodgers.
GUARD: Welcome to Wongtona Guanamo Bay penal colony.
Meet your cellmate, punk.
The Andromeda Annihilator.
Ooh! Toy piggy bank.
Me make deposit.
Hee-hee-hee.
[STUTTERS] That's all, folks.
Ever since Cadet was sent away, I seem so run down.
Listless.
Great news, Dodgers.
You've been promoted.
For your several days of mediocre but competent service and your recent stupefying courtroom speech you've been promoted to the rank of rear admiral.
Oh, boy! A salary boost.
Personal assistants.
The cool costume with a funny hat.
Your promotion was insisted upon by the Martian high command.
General z-9 has his eye on you.
[YELLS] I look forward to working very closely with you, Dodgers.
Uh.
Back at you, big guy.
See you on Mars tomorrow when you and I will sign the peace treaty between our worlds.
I thought that was Star Johnson's gig.
General z-9 requested you, Dodgers.
- Till then, admiral, I bid you adieu.
- A doo doo.
These are the codes to the Earth's satellite defense system.
Share these with the Martians only after the treaty is signed.
The fate of the world rests on your shoulders, Dodgers.
Your faith in me is what gives me strength.
Acme Travel Agency? I'd like a ticket on your next flight to Alpha Centauri.
One way ought to do it.
What have we here? A video transmission to Counselor Dish? Hm.
Interplanetary conquest is on schedule.
The earthling duck is an imbecile who will unwittingly surrender his planet to my rule.
With the Martian Queen in my thrall, both worlds will soon be ours.
Rings of Saturn! z-9 is a traitor.
What's this? Has the earthling been playing spy? Ugh! Naughty, naughty, Johnson.
We'll need to come up with a special punishment for you.
[YELLING] Unh.
Oh, dear.
[BABBLING AND TEETH CHATTERING] Thanks for sticking up for me, captain.
Thanks for sticking up for me, captain.
Thanks for sticking up for me, captain.
[YELLING] Where's my little piggy banky? [ALL LAUGHING MANIACALLY] [PANTING] Oop! [GASPS] [GROWLING] Jump, Cadet, jump.
I'll catch you.
I promise.
[YELLING] [CELL PHONE RINGING] Hang on a sec.
Hello? Oh, hi.
Nothing.
How about you? [SCREAMS] [YELLS] DODGERS: You gotta help me, doc.
Please.
I can't sleep.
I'm up all night watching 350-year-old reruns of Sabrina, the Teenage Witch.
Thoughts of self-loathing won't leave me alone.
What can I do? You must undo the reasons you hate yourself.
No, I mean about Sabrina.
I got a wicked crush on Melissa Joan Hart.
But what about the self-loathing? That I sort of enjoy.
DOCTOR: With this process, Dodgers we are going to link our minds together and I will try to uncover what's bothering you.
[GRUNTING] Sweeties, ladies, dames, chicks, Melissa Joan Hart.
[BARKS] Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Babes, honeys, is my toupee on straight? Betrayed my best friend and condemned him to pay for my crime! Dolls, dearies, giant hairy nose men, girls, girls, girls.
- I know what your problem is.
- Me too.
I need a date.
Besides that.
You will not enjoy your new life until you help your best friend.
My best friend? Any idea what he's talking about, chum? Not a clue, old bean.
Well, look at the little piggy boy.
Eat your slop, piggy boy.
[TEETH CHATTERING] Hey, hey, hey! One hundred years from now-- No, tomorrow, I'll eat toast.
Burnt toast, drink toast.
I'll drink toast.
I'll drink water polo.
Polo ponies.
Po-lop-ponies.
Monopolies.
You say potato, I say asbestos with mint jelly.
Heh, heh.
And Jerry Mathers as the Beaver.
[BABBLING] Ai, ai, ai, ai, ai.
Whoa! Steer clear of the pig, dude.
He's a total freak.
You never wanted peace.
Your treaty is just a sham.
A successful sham.
And once I get those defense plans from Dodgers Martian forces will conquer Earth.
The queen will stop you.
The queen will do what I tell her to do, or she won't be queen for long.
Let's recap.
You, Dodgers, are an egomaniacal, bipolar narcissist and pathological liar with sociopathic tendencies.
- Give it to me straight, doc.
I can take it.
- But there's still a chance I can cure you.
I'm going to try a controversial form of shock therapy not yet approved by the Galactic Food and Drug Administration.
[WHACKS] Hey, I think I get it.
If I'm ever gonna be able to live with myself I have to save my bestest pal in the whole galaxy.
Cadet.
[GRUNTS] [GROWLING AND GURGLING] Chewie? Follow me if you wanna live.
Your majesty! To arms! You're in grave danger! Oops.
Commander, I'm afraid you've become a liability.
Atomize him.
Gangway! [YELLING] [GASPS] General, I order you to explain what on Mars is going on here.
I'm afraid you won't be giving any more orders your majesty.
How do you like that? I'm only an admiral for two days, and this is the fate that awaits my ship.
[METAL SCRAPES] There she is.
Hey, I need that.
[GROWLS] [ROBOTIC DOG BARKING] [YELLS] [GROWLING] [YELPS] Go forward! Go forward, I say! Not this forward, that forward! [YELLS] [English - US -SDH]