Duck Dodgers (2003) s02e13 Episode Script

Of Course You Know This Means War and Peace (2)

NARRATOR: Previously on Duck Dodgers: CARBONITE: Leaders from Earth and Mars are gathered to sign this historic peace treaty.
But if there's peace, I could lose my job.
Of course, you know, this means war.
- I sabotaged the pens.
- I'll take the blame.
You are hereby sentenced to the Wongtonaguanomo Bay penal colony.
We'll negotiate only with him.
I.
Q.
: You've been promoted to the rank of rear admiral.
You and I will sign the peace treaty between our worlds.
These are codes to the Earth's satellite defense system.
Share these with the Martians only after the treaty is signed.
What have we here? The Earthling duck will unwittingly surrender his planet to my rule.
z-9 is a traitor.
Z-9: Naughty, naughty, Johnson.
I have to save my bestest pal in the whole galaxy, Cadet.
Your Majesty, you're in grave danger! Z-9: Atomize him.
[SCREAMING] Captain's log, final entry.
Help! Now, if Cadet wasn't in the jug he'd come up with some clever plan, like destroying that crusher.
z-9: Commander X-2 has learned of my plan to conquer both Mars and Earth.
He must be silenced.
By your command.
[PANTING] [YELLS] [MARVIN YELLS] [DISH LAUGHING] Destroy the pursuers.
At ease, Centurions.
I'll take them myself.
Huh! Hunh! Hyah! You didn't think it was going to be that easy, did you? You know, for a second there, yes, I did.
[DISH GRUNTING] [CHUCKLES] Ah.
[DISH LAUGHING] [GRUNTS] Dodgers? You saved me from the jaws of death? Don't get all mushy, Matilda.
I need your help to rescue my porker pal from Wongtonaguanomo Bay.
You might want to spring Star Johnson as well.
How'd glory boy end up in the clink? I'll explain on the way.
The fate of the galaxy depends on us.
This is treason, z-9.
Only until the new ruling order takes over, and that's me.
QUEEN: Commander X-2 will stop you.
X-9: If I know that little runt he'll perish foolishly trying to rescue the woman he loves.
You.
Why am I always the last to know these things? What was the password to get in? "Dodgers is a jerk.
" My fame is known even here.
[BUBBLING AND LOW RUMBLING] Sounds like my colon after a chili fizz.
Unh! Hey, someone hit the lights.
[GROWLING] Okay, when I turn the lights back on, he'll be gone.
[GROWLING] [DODGERS & MARVIN YELL] [THUDDING AND THUMPING] BOTH: Oh! Well, lookie here.
It's an errand boy sent by the grocery clerks to collect a pig.
Cadet? Cadet! I'm so glad you're all right.
I mean, besides the fact that you seem totally out of your mind.
Remove this duck from my head, and my sight.
Dodgers, you're too late.
The Cadet has snapped.
He thinks he runs this colony.
You're not sounding too tightly wrapped yourself, SJ.
Now hear this, spaced Cadet.
Rocket leaving for planet Sanity boarding now.
I'm not taking any more orders from you.
Is that any way to speak to your best pal in the universe? A universe in trouble, I might add.
Pal? Ha! I took the fall for you and you said no-- Bupkis.
Gentlemen, see that something uncomfortable happens to this duck.
[CREATURES SNARLING] Look, I screwed up, okay? I wrecked the peace treaty and our friendship.
I'm sorry.
Really.
I just hope you can find it in your heart-- Hey, I'm trying to have a sincere moment here.
[CREATURES GASP] - So do you forgive me? - Never.
But you said something about the universe being in trouble and I am a loyal Protectorate cadet.
Oh, yes.
And the day can only be saved by the combined teamwork of Duck Dodgers - and his Eager Young-- - Don't touch me.
Let's get out of here.
What's this? Mitts off, Martian.
Those are top-secret defense codes for my eyes only.
Well, that would certainly keep hostile invaders away.
Thought I dropped those off at the cleaners.
These are the top-secret defense codes - that shall never leave my sight.
- I'll take those.
You'll just lose them.
Still working out those trust issues, huh? Take your time.
We're within range of the palace.
Everyone, follow my lead.
MARVIN: Prisoner delivery.
BOTH: Interlopers.
DODGERS: That almost worked.
MARVIN: It got us inside, didn't it? I'll try to hack into z-9's battle plans.
- I'll find the Queen.
- I'll guard the codes.
Perhaps I should just stay here and hold down the fort.
Of course, I'm willing to discuss terms of surrender.
Heh, heh.
Where are we going, guys? You need a fifth player for your basketball team? No prob.
I'm pretty good at the fowl line.
Get it? Duck? Fowl line? I guess my number's up.
I just wish I'd spent more time doing what I love: Popping bubble wrap.
[ALL CHEERING] [FANFARE PLAYING] Ah, Admiral Dodgers, right on time.
- For what? - The signing of the peace treaty, of course.
Oh, the signing.
- Punctuality is my middle name.
- You don't say.
Actually it's Edgar Dumas Aloysius, but why quibble? z-9: Let's proceed, admiral.
- Uh, shouldn't we wait for the Queen? - I'm afraid she's tied up with other matters.
Now, did you bring the Earth's defense codes as requested? Oops.
They're in my briefcase back on the ship.
I'll just run out there and grab it.
I'll be back no later than next Bastille Day.
You forgot your secret defense codes, sir.
As always, Cadet, your timing is impeccable.
I thought your Cadet was in prison.
Yeah, well, um, uh, eh, this is his clone.
- Ah.
The defense codes.
- Ah-ah-ah.
z-man, no peeksies until we go over the treaty.
Very well.
"It is agreed that Mars and Earth agree that this agreement is the entire agreement to which both planets agree excluding previous agreements which may agree or disagree with this agreement.
" - I agree.
And you? - I don't know.
I wasn't listening.
Uh, let's move on.
[DISH CLEARING THROAT] z-9: "Mars shall own all rights to this treaty DISH: Ha-ha-ha.
in all media throughout the universe until the end of time.
Earth shall retain no rights and shall receive no benefits of any kind ever.
" It's all good.
- You didn't listen to a word of that.
- Shh.
- Haggling.
- Idiot.
"And finally, in the event of war this agreement shall become null and void and Earth will surrender to Mars and become its slave.
" Deal.
JOHNSON: The Queen is still in the tower.
Keep stalling.
- Let's sign, shall we? - Let's.
Stall.
They haven't freed the Queen yet.
Yeah, let's give it one last review.
Make sure we dotted all the I's and crossed all the T's.
You know, we should also watch our P's and Q's.
[GRUNTS] MARVIN: Yoo-hoo.
Oh, Centurions.
[ALL GIBBERING] Mm.
Mm.
Unh! Oh, Commander, you're wonderful.
[GIBBERING] There's one.
And another.
Boy, oh, boy, who'd have thunk watching your P's and Q's could be this much fun? Maybe we should read it through one last time.
Very well, Robospierre, sign I shall.
Now, how do you spell Dodgers? z-9: D.
- D.
He has the entire Martian fleet on red alert.
He's planning to attack the Earth tonight.
E-R-S.
Heh, heh.
Fine, fine.
Mars and Earth, friends at last.
Now give me the codes.
- What do you mean? z-9: Look what you just signed.
It says, "The representative from Earth--" That's you, Dodgers.
"--shall immediately hand over the contents of the case to the representative from Mars.
" And that's me.
Attention, all Martian air forces, begin launch now.
Operation: Crush Earth is underway.
QUEEN: I don't think so, general.
You're under arrest for treason.
[z-9 & QUEEN GRUNTING] MARVIN: Hey! z-9: Now, if you truly care for your queen, I suggest you step back.
After all, I have a planet to conquer.
[z-9 SPEAKS IN ITALIAN] I gotta get me some of them trapdoors.
QUEEN: Unhand me, you beast.
They're taking our ship.
MARVIN: And kidnapping my queen.
DISH: Sensors indicate Earth's satellite system is active, general.
Not for long.
Prepare to enter the shutdown codes, counselor.
What? Dodgers! Earth's satellite defense is on full alert.
Nice work, Cadet.
Now let's hope I can get my dirty laundry back from that thieving scalawag.
Shall we call off the attack, general? Maintain course, Counselor Dish.
DISH: But no Martian ship will make it through the shields.
We'll be vaporized.
We're not in a Martian ship.
We are! Pull out! Pull out! He's going to attack Earth in your ship, Dodgers.
Not if I can help it.
Take us within evaporator range.
Target those satellites and fire rear lasers.
The shield is gone.
Begin the attack.
General, one of our ships has gone rogue.
- It's attacking the others.
- Dodgers! No, Star Johnson at your service.
z-9: You? But where's--? Miss me, sweetums? I'm flattered.
Breaking off to pursue stragglers.
Carry on, captain.
Yaah! QUEEN: Help! Ugh.
What does Dodgers do in that bathroom? Ah! Need mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
MARVIN: Yes, Your Highness.
Dodgers, I loathe you.
You love me? Yuck.
What is it with you Martians? I said, loathe.
- You did not.
- I did.
- Did not.
- Did too.
- No way.
- Yes way.
DODGERS: You lie.
z-9: You lie.
DODGERS: Do not.
z-9: Do too.
[ALARM WAILING] DISH: General, Protectorate headquarters, dead ahead.
Excellent.
Ready lasers.
QUEEN: Hi-yah! Not gonna happen, robo-tramp.
[BOTH GRUNTING] [GROANS] [BOTH GRUNTING] I think I'll make a special addition to my victory banquet.
One duck, extra crispy.
- Heads up.
- Huh? DISH: Whoa! [GROANING THEN GRUNTS] MARVIN: Whoa! - We're out of control.
- Get the Queen to the evaporators.
You can still beam yourselves to safety.
MARVIN: What will you do? This whole mess is my fault.
Here's where I put things right.
You'll never make it.
Then this time, I take the fall.
Go, Cadet.
MARVIN: Hurry, Your Highness.
QUEEN: So, what's this I hear? You're in love with me? MARVIN: Yeah, well, you know.
Ha-ha-ha.
- I'll raise this crate or die trying.
- No, we will.
I gave you an order, mister.
- Cheerfully disobeyed, captain.
- Thanks, buddy.
Good to have you back.
Ha-ha-ha.
Wouldn't be any place else, sir.
[BOTH GRUNTING] CARBONITE: And now for the galaxy news roundup.
The Queen of Mars has regained her throne thanks to the efforts of her newest main squeeze, Commander X-2.
[GIBBERING] FALLING: Earth and Mars have agreed to a ceasefire.
At least until something else goes horribly wrong which should happen in a day or two.
CARBONITE: At his trial for treason today Martian General Z-9 was found.
ALL: Guilty! FALLING: And will spend the next 200 years behind bars.
Time to play toy soldiers.
Oh-ha-ha-ha.
Please, be gentle.
I'm breakable.
[THUDDING AND PIG OINKS] CARBONITE: As for Earth's top-secret defense codes they're back in safe hands.
[YELLS] And they'll be ready at the dry cleaners by 5.
FALLING: In other news, the Eager Young Space Cadet has been cleared of all charges in the recent exploding-pen fiasco.
Admiral Duck Dodgers has accepted full responsibility.
CARBONITE: As punishment, Dodgers has been demoted back to captain and now must perform on the planet of Nostrilia.
Gee, captain, I'm sorry they stuck you with such a severe punishment.
Eh, the job's not bad.
[SNEEzES] It's the tips I could live without.
[English - US -SDH]