Duckman (1994) s01e09 Episode Script

(whistles) (quacks) Happy Be-Good-to-the-Elderly Day, Grandma-ma! Okay, boys, let her rip! ( breaks wind ) Yay! Nice one, Grandma-ma! Hey, Aunt Bernice, why didn't we wait for Dad and Ajax? Well, we're never sure if Ajax will get on the right school bus, and I don't give a rodent's rump if your father's excluded from family gatherings.
Oh, yeah.
We forgot.
Charles, Mambo, speaking of Ajax, have you noticed anything strange about him? He has one head.
( laughing ) ( horn honking ) ( crashing ) DUCKMAN: Yeah, yeah! Save it for the courtroom! We'll see if you're in good humor then! Oh Little ice cream with your cake? Hello, progeny.
Bernice.
Sorry I missed the celebration, but I spent a long, tireless day wading through the muck, making an honest go of it.
The consummate provider-- putting food on the table and warm garments on backs of my loved ones.
The dog track in Tijuana called.
You left your sunglasses there today.
So I had a little down time.
Well, now that we have the obligatory lies out of the way, I have to talk to you about Ajax.
I got a call from the school.
He's been sent to the office every day for the past week.
That's not a problem.
It's just part of growing up, Bernice.
He's testing his limits.
If any son mine was behaving weirdly, don't ya think I'd notice? It's not just school.
He hasn't been himself lately.
( knocking ) Who is it? Ajax.
You don't have to knock, dear.
You can just come in.
I knew there was one house I could do that at.
Seems fine to me.
Duckman, did you see that? He just went past a cake without burying his head in it and wolfing it down until he was choking and had to come up for air.
Hmm.
Maybe I should talk to him.
Ha! Talk to him?! You mean like you ask him what the problem is, he tells you, then say something that helps? What? You think I'm not up to it? You think I'm not a good parent? You think just 'cause I'm a hard-bill detective, I can't relate to my boy like a father? So, yousay everything's fine, but we know better.
Don't we? I thought you wanted to talk to me like a father.
Okay.
So, uh Son, uh, here's five bucks.
Buy yourself a book on solving teenager's problems.
Thanks, Dad.
No sweat, son.
We should have these heart-to-hearts more often.
( gasps and grunts ) Keyhole needed a little oil.
I couldn't quite overhear all of it.
What did you find out? That if I'm really going to get to the bottom of this, it's going to take the investigative skills of a top-notch detective.
We can't afford that! Why don't you do it? You said we were going undercover as high school students.
What's with the getup? I thought the grange look is in.
Actually, Duckman, that's "grunge.
" Oh.
Like you fit in.
Hey, my parents are in Europe.
Want to come to my house for a party tonight? ( giggles ) Are you kidding? We'd love to! Ew! Gross! We weren't talking to you, old man.
I moisturize.
Let's go.
School's about to start.
WOMAN: I'm afraid.
I don't I don't want to.
I don't want them to scare me.
( school bell rings ) ( screaming ) Yes, sir, I'll tell them the good news.
Boys, we're going to Bosnia! Finally, some peace and quiet! ( cheering ) Wow! They really cleaned this place up since last time I was here.
Guess that corporate sponsorship really helped.
Hey, look, it's Ajax.
( kids laughing and shouting ) All right, Corny, let's go.
And remember, we're here to observe him.
Be as inconspicuous as possible.
( screams ) ( yells ) ( croaking ) ( yells ) Huh? What are you doing here? Me? Uh I uh uh, um Hey, everyone, it's Farmer Brown of Farmer Brown's sausage sticks.
His meat-like products are gristle-icious.
( coughing ) ( croaks ) ( class laughs ) Class ( laughter continues ) Class ( whistles ) ( laughter stops ) Well, that's better.
I hate to have to hurt anybody.
This morning, I've been asked to add sex education to the curriculum.
Terrific.
How timely.
Oh, that'll help.
Maybe next, we'll listen to some loud, parent-hating Satan music.
We'll start with a short film about breasts entitled Mammaries: Functional Necessities Or Big, Round Orbs Of Pleasure? Woo-hoo! Yeah! Bring on the boo Oh, you said, uh, breasts.
I-I thought you said we were having a test.
( hearty laugh ) I'm just one of those nuts who just love tests.
Can't wait to get my hands on them.
DUCKMAN: Bigger the better.
( clears throat ) But oh, this will be fine, too, I guess.
Yes, well, shall we begin our unholy tumble into rank and seedy debauchery? ( glass shattering ) Per usual, I'll excuse myself to the vice principal's office now.
I told them that's what happens when a boy gets a burning in his loins.
Let's go, Corny.
Ajax is obviously troubled.
This might be my best chance to find out what's wrong.
FILM NARRATOR: Cave women almost never wore brassieres, and as you can see, Ah those caves got pretty chilly.
'Course we don't want to walk out on the opening credits.
Fine.
We'll rent it.
Hold it, maggots.
Nobody gets in here without first being a disciplinary problem.
We gotta get in there.
They're probably talking about what's bothering him right now.
Did you do this? What of it? "School board" is a collective noun.
Conjugation, young man.
Conjugation.
Give me your lunch money, give me your bus money, and give me all the money you saved up for college.
What are you going to do about this? Oh who should I make it out to? Nothing works, Corny.
You can't buy your way into that office.
Perhaps a break.
I brought some crudités.
I was wondering when we'd eat.
Thank God, you remembered food.
Did you say the "G" word? You said "God.
" And one thing we won't stand for is prayer in school.
You're going to the vice principal's office.
Farmer Brown.
What did they get you for? Dad? I got sent to the vice principal's office.
Did I go home by mistake? No, son, I-I came down here.
because I was worried about you.
DUCKMAN: You've been acting strangely, and I, I wanted to find out why.
It's all quite wonderful, actually.
I'm in love.
( laughs giddily ) ( birds chirping ) Whoa! ( hammering ) In love! You hear that, Corny? My son's in love.
Little Ajax, first of my brood, fruit of my loom.
Oh, what a great and glorious day for the Duckman clan.
When my boy meets a girl and We, uh, are talking girl, right? Dad.
Yeah, right.
Of course.
So, if you have any questions about handling women, feel free to ask your ol' been-around-the-block dad.
He'll tell you how to turn on the key, how to get that motor revvin', how to shove in the clutch.
Do I need my driver's license for this? Nah.
Just gotta know your way around the backseat.
(chuckles) BERNICE: Duckman! Aunt Bernice.
What are you doing here with Charles and Mambo? That's not Charles and Mambo, dear.
The vice principal called me down here to talk about Ajax getting sent to her office again.
What are you doing here? Getting to the bottom of this Ajax business, and I'm here to report that it looks a lot worse than it actually is.
Not unlike nipple clamps.
I'll just go play Yahtzee with the cheerleaders.
Look, Bernice, what I'm trying to tell you is, all that's bothering Ajax is that well, for the first time, he's in love.
In love! Oh, our Ajax is becoming a man.
Now punishing number 132.
That's us.
Ajax, can't wait to hear all about your little girlfriend.
You're so cute! Let's get this thing straightened out, Bernice.
I know how to deal with these power-hungry, child-beating, drill sergeant wannabes.
( gulps ) WOMAN: Mr.
Duckman, Bernice, come in.
I'm Vanessa La Pert, the new vice principal.
Humina-humina-ha-wah! Very impressive, Mr.
Duckman, but why are you telling me in Cherokee that you have raccoons in your pants? Uh, we-we encourage the children to be multilingual.
Um, how do you do? Fine.
Thank you.
Nice to meet you.
( speaking gibberish ) I'm sorry, I'm not as well-versed in Persian.
Maybe I should open a window.
Please, have a seat.
Ahh! ( straining ) Ooh! ( slobbering ) I'm sorry, I had such a full day today.
Do you mind if I eat lunch while we talk? Of course not.
The truth is, I've got some rather surprising news about Ajax.
( train whistle blowing ) ( engine chugging ) Actually, we may already have an idea.
We were just talking to him outside.
VANESSA: Well, then, you know.
he's, uh, in love.
( engine chugging ) Yes, he told us.
We think it's so sweet.
Well, judging by your reaction, he hasn't told you everything.
( engine chugging ) I don't understand.
What hasn't he told us? Well, he hasn't told you who he's in love with.
Ajax is in love with me.
You! You! I know it's a shock, but I thought it was best that you know.
He gets in trouble in class every day just so he can come into my office.
Well, it is a shock.
Not that I don't remember what it's like to have a crush on an older authority figure.
Oh, my, no.
When I was a little girl, I loved to play tennis.
The summer of my 14th year when my womanhood was just beginning to bloom, I went to tennis camp.
The tennis pro's name was Dick Samson, and he was magnificent.
One night, one fateful night, we snuck onto the court.
He turned the ball server up to ten, and we spent hours working on my grip.
All right, blanche, save the rest for Halloween! Ooh! Listen, Vanessa, this is serious.
Very serious.
Now, I was thinking, maybe if Ajax saw you making mad, passionate, sticky love to someone else, he'd forget about you.
But who could we get? Hmm Who could we get? Wait a minute.
It just hit me! Yeah, so will I if you don't shut up.
This is a delicate situation.
A boy's first love is a very special memory.
Of course it is, especially if he doesn't have to pay for it.
Speaking of which, would a 50 help you decide? Duckman, you're embarrassing me.
You're right, Bernice.
I'm sorry.
Make that an even hundred.
Duckman! Hey, it's for Ajax.
We're talking tax-free.
( grunts ) You'll have to excuse him, Miss La Pert.
His lobotomy was pushed back two weeks.
Actually, there's one more thing you both need to know.
This is very awkward.
Forgive me, but the truth is I love Ajax back.
( loud crash ) BOTH: You're in love with Ajax? Don't worry.
It isn't a physical relationship.
He's just so impetuous and innocent.
He's my Stridex-scented Viking, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
I'm sorry, I have to go.
I'm looking forward to talking to you more.
Wait! Getting back to you and me.
Did I mention I have a friend who could make you a deal on snow tires? Okay, final offer! a couple of jumping jacks, and I don't even have to be in the room.
Just phone me and tell me and when you do it.
( door slams ) ( barking ) I'm telling you, Corny, no way a woman of such delicious fleshitude would be interested in a wedgie like Ajax.
She has an ulterior motive, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to expose her.
Oh.
There she is.
( Duckman yelling and grunting ) You okay, Duckman? Just tell me what she's doing, will you? Nothing much.
She just took off her bath towel, and now she's rubbing herself down with lotion, giving herself a full-frontal massage and bending over to touch her toes for no other reason than the sheer joy of it.
I'll tell you this, without breast reduction, she's gonna have a lot of back trouble.
( panting ) DUCKMAN: She's not even in the room! Hee-hee.
Little surveillance humor.
Duckman, you are here first and foremost out of love and concern for your child.
Of course I am.
Why would you even dare to suggest otherwise? Maybe it was the way you said, "Hey, Corny, let's go get a look at her naked.
" I could have more than one reason for doing something.
( doorbell rings ) DUCKMAN: Corny, someone's at the door.
Behold the partner in crime! It's Ajax.
Give me those! DUCKMAN: Oh, my God! He's not doing what I think he's doing! He's gonna give her a pedicure! I won't have any my kid of mine doing something so menial.
Let's go! ( yelling, crashing, cat yowling ) And then they left in their car.
I tried running after them, but Cornfed here slowed me down.
You couldn't let go of the binoculars.
This is all your fault, Duckman.
Ajax ran off with a beautiful woman because it's his father's biggest fantasy.
Actually, my biggest fantasy involves you, liver loaf and a pack of starving rottweilers.
( knock at door ) AJAX: Oh, yeah.
Ajax, you're home! All right, listen, libido-boy.
I want the truth and nothing but the truth, straight, no chaser, no gilding the lily.
What's going on with you and Vanessa? We're getting married.
Don't you know have the common sense to know when to lie about something? Duckman! All right, look.
As long as you live under my roof, you'll do what I say.
And I say, no way are you and Miss Pass-Up- The-Chance-Of-A-Lifetime- To-Rob-The Cradle Instead getting married.
I'd hoped for your blessing, Dad, but I'm old enough to make decisions on my own.
Aren't I? Ajax, dear, Vanessa, harlot What Duckman's trying to say in his own barely intelligible kind of way is that there's no rush.
You have time.
Surely, this can wait.
Well, my head says you're right, Bernice, but my heart says don't listen.
I love your nephew.
He's touched me in places no one has ever touched me before.
Don't you even think of saying it.
Family, my mind is made up.
We're leaving tonight for south of the border to go to Shady Raoul's Wed 'N' Bed Resort.
Adios.
( walks into door ) Isn't he adorable? Duckman, say something! Ajax! Can you bring back one of those black velvet paintings of Elvis? What? He's going anyway.
( tires screeching, car driving away ) Welcome to Mexico.
Do you have anything to declare? Just that the snarling behemoth in the seat next to me is not my wife.
Look, Duckman, either we put aside our deep-seated and, in my case, justifiable antagonism and pretend to be newlyweds, or we don't find Ajax.
What's it going to be? I'm thinking! Greetings, Mr.
Duckman.
How are you and the lovely wife today? I'm fine.
She's dead.
( screams ) He means dead on my feet.
Don't you, snookums? We've had a long drive, ( choking ): and my hu husba hus My husband ( sighs ) is a little cranky.
Well, then we'll get you muy pronto to your honeymoon love nest.
Any place without witnesses will do.
Aah! Room 2016.
The Jungle Suite.
Say, amigo, any chance of getting an extra bed and a couple of rolls of barbed wire in there? My pookie is such a kidder.
Duckman! What the hell are you doing, Bernice? You want me to go blind? Listen, you dust mite, you're supposed to be looking for Ajax.
If you can't even do that right, make yourself useful and oil my back.
( gasps ) Hi.
I'm Kiki, your social director, who got the job because I'm perkier than a ferret.
So, might I give you a tour of our wonderful resort, huh? We'd rather just lie here and get skin cancer if it's okay with you.
Aah! What a lovely way to see who else is staying here.
And, finally, we have our marriage coliseum.
We're able to keep our rates so low because we deal in bulk.
Do you take your boyfriend, girlfriend, sibling, parent, pet, or plant to be your lawfully wedded mate? ALL: I do.
We've seen this place from soup to nuts and no sign of the kid.
Where could he be? Aah maybe he's doing what most grooms do with their new brides.
What, you think he gambled away all the wedding gifts and told his wife the room was broken into? Let's go.
We're going to scour every square inch of this place again till we find him.
Wow.
Tomorrow at this time, I'll be Mr.
Vanessa.
( mumbling ) Bernice, the floss.
Oh.
I said I'm exhausted.
We spent the whole day and night looking, and we still didn't find him.
Now we have to get a few hours sleep and start again.
At least we got a hot tub.
My muscles haven't been this loose since Beatrice used to Well, it's been a long time.
Huh.
( clears throat ) Nice room, isn't it? There's even a bottle of champagne.
"Call of the Beast.
" Must be very rare.
I've never heard of Nairobi Vineyards.
Little bubbly? I know, it's the water jets plus that damn digestive problem of mine.
I ( chuckles ) You didn't mean the water, did you? ( gulping ) Hmm, I wonder what this does.
( romantic music plays ) Wow, there must be speakers hidden all over the room.
I think there's even one under the water.
No way.
Yeah, hop in.
You can feel it.
See, it vibrates.
Mmm.
You're right.
( gulps ) Uh Bernice, uh, don't take this the wrong way, but you look very attractive tonight.
In an I-know-you're-still- the-shrewish-and-hateful- bane-of-my-existence kind of way.
You know, you look better to me than you usually do, too.
I don't know if you remember, but, uh, this isn't the first time we've been in a hot tub together.
That night at the Dickinsons' party, I snuck up from behind you, thinking you were Beatrice.
( tittering, snorting ): Yeah.
I'm sorry I slapped you.
It was an honest mistake.
We were identical twins.
Mmm if I remember correctly, there were a couple of differences.
( giggles ) You know, you didn't have any trouble filling out that swimsuit yourself.
Well Well Jesus Marimba! Mmm Humina-humina-how-wah! Oh! ( both gulping ) ( clock ticking ) ( both screaming ) ( both screaming ) ( both screaming ) Did I? Did you? Did you? Did we? ( knock at door ) Your husband! I'll hide in the Duckman, I'm not married.
Oh.
Right.
Force of habit.
Who is it? It's us.
( both screaming ) Dad, Aunt Bernice, I can't believe what I'm seeing.
I'm appalled.
Ajax, there's a simple You're always telling me about Mr.
Wrinkle, and you didn't hang up any of your clothes.
Vacation, son.
It's allowed on vacation.
Ajax, where have you been? We looked all over for you.
We've been here.
You both seemed so upset about Vanessa and I being engaged, I figured you'd like to know we're not getting married.
BOTH: You're not?! Rethought my offer, huh? Actually, Dad, it's because we really don't know each other well enough, and I'm too young anyway.
We'll get married later when he won't make my car insurance skyrocket.
I'm very proud of you, son.
Me, too, Ajax.
Thanks, Dad, Thanks, Aunt Bernice.
The important thing is, you let me make my own decision.
Thanks for treating me like a grownup who can figure out things for himself.
( walks into wall ) Well, that worked out.
Yeah, sure did.
Duckman Bernice ( both laughing and snorting ) Look, it didn't happen, right? Absolutely not even in the realm of possibility.
( Bernice and Duckman screaming ) Newlyweds.