Duckman (1994) s01e10 Episode Script

Cellar Beware

(whistles) (quacks) WOMAN: And now, squat-thrusts.
Up and down, back and forth.
Squat, thrust.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hay.
I can't hear myself think.
What? I can't hear myself think.
What? Bernice! Aunt Bernice? (yelling) By the hand of Zeus, what manner of deviltry is this? I mean, what gives? Whew.
There's Ajax.
You scared us, son.
Listen to me, all four of you.
I've decided it's time we did what other people who live in the same house do.
We're going to start planning things as a family.
How about separate vacations? (laughing) I'm very excited about tonight's plans.
I've actually asked our neighbors to come over to our house for the monthly meeting of the Block Association.
(all grumbling) Quiet! People dangling from the ceiling in a net don't get to say what we're going to do.
It's high time this family got involved together in a group activity.
(screaming) And don't even think about throwing spears, shooting bows and arrows, and dumping boiling oil on them from the roof.
This is very important to me.
We never have visitors.
And, in order to guarantee your attendance, you will remain in that net until half an hour before they arrive.
At which time, you will wash up.
Then make our guests feel welcome and if anybody fails to do that, I'll make his life a living hell.
A worse one than it is now.
Do we understand each other? (half-hearted agreement) Do we understand each other?! ALL: Yes, ma'am.
Let's party.
Very impressive.
Everything's tip-top.
I believe we're prepared to make a stellar impression.
(breaking wind) They'll be here any minute.
Duckman, you fixed that short in the doorbell, didn't you? (man yelling) Seems to be working fine.
Oh, that's them.
Ajax, comb your hair.
Charles and Mambo, fix your collars.
Duckman, go pick up some dip in the store just over the state line.
Give it a rest, Bernice.
I've lived in this neighborhood for 18 years.
These people know me and embrace me as one of their own.
I'll have a Manhattan straight up, bartender.
I live here! Ah.
So nice to see all of you.
I don't know why we haven't asked you over before.
You have asked.
We just never wanted to come.
Ever since Duckman came to our son's bar mitzvah, dunked his head in the punch bowl and came up belching the first two verses of "Hava Nagila.
" Duckman, take their coats.
(grunting and groaning) (people gasping) What the hell are you staring at? Your lawn mower.
We used to have one just like it until it disappeared some time after we loaned it to you.
(chuckles): Imagine that.
Got a Weed Whacker that looks a lot like the one I used to have, too.
Bought it right after I borrowed yours.
Just loved what it did to that crabgrass.
And your welcome mat looked familiar.
The one with "Dave and Jenny Farber" on it.
I'm a detective! We like to remain incognito, okay? Their TV's a lot like ours.
So are their dining room chairs.
You have a silver frame with a picture of our kids at Sea World in it, too? Isn't that grandma's dialysis machine? Well, well, well, should have guessed it.
You move into the same neighborhood, you're bound to have similar tastes.
Sparky! So, still taking those drink orders.
Oh, well, then, Rob Roy.
Hey, a Seven and Seven.
I'll have a strawberry margarita.
Blend and brew on shaved ice.
Hairy Navel! Flaming tambico and soda.
Sex on the beach for me.
Oh, just give me a big bucket of whiskey.
Flaming this, blend and brew that-- whatever happened to the manly drinks-- the kind that made you go blind, puke till you dropped and wake up three days later married to the daughter of some overprotective father who'd pay you to get it annulled? So, Charles, Sambo, uh, got any hobbies? Electron microscopy Kierkegaardian existentialism and speaking in a binary-based code only we understand.
How wonderfully adolescent.
(laughing) True, Grandma-ma doesn't talk much, but she enjoys delighting others with a unique party trick.
Do either of you have a lighter? Goodness, Bernice, this spread is sumptuous.
You really should entertain more often.
(Grandma-ma breaks wind) (explosion) Oh, my.
Which, of course, is not to say we'd always be available.
Here you go-- a little Duckman kickapoo juice to dull the nerve endings and make everyone seem at least mildly interesting.
This, uh, drink has a very unusual kick to it.
What's your secret? Hey, do Siegfried and Roy tell Copperfield how they do it? (sniffing) If I didn't know better, I'd say it's Formula 409.
(gagging) WOMAN 1: Is that ammonia? WOMAN 2: Is this Tidy-Bowl? Wait.
Don't go.
You think if this were cleaning fluid, Duckman would drink it? (gulping) Must be all right.
Well, he got it down.
I'll have another.
I'd just like to say how thrilled we are to host the association meeting here tonight and that I've arranged for a very special guest speaker-- an authority to talk to us about home security.
Well, I didn't prepare any notes, but Not you, Duckman.
I mean a real authority-- someone who sells home security systems.
What? All those scam artists do is prey on your paranoia by telling you horror stories about pervert sociopaths and young Republicans, so they can frighten you into buying their overpriced product.
Well, not this duck! We've never been robbed because I'm the king of my castle.
I've got the dangling modifiers in this English class and no one's going to make me think like a victim.
(screaming) I'm so sorry, Mr.
A crude yet effective way to show how anyone can invade your home before you know what hit you.
I got a crude yet effective way to show you out of my home before you know Thank you so much for coming, uh, Mr.
, uh Tetzloff.
Terry Duke Tetzloff.
And it's so nice to see you all gathered here to talk about home security while your houses sit empty and unattended, inviting gosh knows who to break in.
(gasping) Well, shall we get started? And then, he took the electric carving knife cut her into little pieces, and fed her to his dog.
And as for the rest of the orphans (gasping) Well, it wasn't pretty and all because they didn't have the Interlopen Fuhrer 1500 home security system.
But, hey, I'm not here to scare you.
I'm just warning you what can happen when you value $5,999.
95 more than you do the safety of your own children.
I hate to admit it, but Dad was right.
This is designed to prey upon our urban angst and paranoia.
Now then, who will be the first to say "yes-- my family matters to me"? Me! Me, me, me, me, me! Please! Take my money first! Take mine, please! Please, please, puh-leeze! Bernice, say what you will, but, as the man of the house, it's my sacred duty to protect my loved ones.
And you.
And don't worry.
I didn't let him sell me that cheapie Interlopen Fuhrer 1500.
I talked him into selling me the deluxe model-- the Interlopen Fuhrer 2000.
Deluxe? How much did that cost? Not to worry-- your car, all your clothes and the kids' savings bonds covered most of it.
ALL: Our what?! Hey, you're going to thank me when you realize it's a small price to pay for complete security and peace o' mind.
I thought this house was empty.
Me, too, but it's got the biggest alarm system on the block so there must be some great stuff inside.
Here it is-- Interlopen Fuhrer 2000.
(snoring) COMPUTER: This house is now unarmed.
Shh! Hillary, not so loud.
What if Bill hears you? (chuckling) (yawning) (screams) Very funny, compost maggot.
(chuckles): I never get tired of that one.
If you're done with your imbecilic jokes, Mr.
Security and Peace o' Mind, you might be interested to know that we've been robbed.
(screaming) (snoring) Huh?! Mambo, wake up! Why did you wake me? You know I like to sleep late on Saturdays.
(screaming) Duckman, I think Ajax is in shock.
You better talk to him.
Ajax, son, I'm sorry, but you're just going to have to accept the fact that we've been robbed.
Robbed? Then that would mean the TV isn't there.
I thought it was stuck on one of those cable access show where nothing ever happens.
Listen, everyone, not to worry.
I'll conduct my own investigation.
I'll call the insurance company and tell them we've given up.
Hey, they stole my homework.
And I was up all night doing my essay for Career Day.
I wish I could crawl in a hole and stay there forever.
Ajax, you don't have to get that upset.
I'm not.
That was the title of my essay.
Wait a minute.
You were up all night? Didn't you notice anything? Just a Jehovah's Witness in a ski mask who said he didn't want to wake us by knocking.
Oh, and I finished the butter.
Ajax, how could that happen?! I can't believe you're that oblivious to the world around you.
Sorry, Dad.
Next time try to remember there are other people in this house who might have liked a little butter, too! Will you forget about the butter? Did it ever occur to anybody that Mambo and I have lost almost everything we own? Including our Science Fair project: "The effects of sunlight on electromagnetic isotopes.
" Hey, Rod, open the sunroof.
We've all lost things that were near and dear to us, boys.
I, for example, can't bear the thought of somebody else using my upper thigh massager.
(yells in disgust): Me neither.
However, our things are gone and I think the only constructive thing to do at this point is to blame your father.
Me?! How much stuff do you think would have been missing if I hadn't gotten the security system? You're right, Dad.
Thanks for protecting the lint that was mercifully left in my pants pocket.
And the dust balls that the criminals were too intimidated by the alarm to take from under our beds.
They left the dust balls? Terrific.
I bust a tail feather trying to protect this family and what do I get in return? Exactly what you deserve! You are the irresponsible cretin who blew thousands of dollars on a criminal-friendly security system, aren't you? Irresponsible?! Ha! Ha! That's a laugh.
We'll see who's irresponsible when I fix this alarm.
Ungrateful family.
Try to keep them safe and all of a sudden, you're irresponsible.
(yells) (electrical zapping) A couple of wires, a switch or two.
How hard could it be? (gavel pounding) MAN: Is it true, Mr.
Tetzloff, that the Interlopen Fuhrer 2000 alarm system has features which have been found to be extremely dangerous? Only if you're irresponsible enough to go inside the console and try to fix it yourself.
(all laughing) Okay, okay, you made your point.
Next up-- Baby Blade Face.
Got to fit Came out COMPUTER: The house is now armed.
Woo-hoo! You hear that? The house is armed.
I did it! Who's irresponsible now, Bernice? For your information the alarm is now working again.
I've done that voodoo that I do so well.
Meaning this family can once again feel secure and comfortable in their home.
Hey, how come there's a pit of hydrochloric acid in front of our underwear drawers? (alarm sounds) COMPUTER: Intruder.
Must eliminate.
Whoa! Whoa! I suppose I could tone it down a skosh.
COMPUTER: Motion sensors activated.
Hey, everyone Don't move! Okay, I won't move.
Unless this is reverse psychology and you do want me to move.
But if it's reverse-reverse psychology, then you don't want me to move.
If it's reverse-reverse-reverse Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Okay, I'll shut up.
Unless that was reverse psychology and you want me to keep talking.
Duckman, here is something you haven't heard from me in the last, what-- three or four minutes? This is all your fault! My fault?! Hey, just 'cause I fiddle with a couple of wires and create a deadly force field that'll brutally kill all of us if we move as much as an inch, suddenly, I'm the fall guy.
(breaking wind) Okay, look, as head of the family, it's my responsibility to lead us out of this small and utterly surmountable predicament.
And naturally, I have a plan.
Run like hell for the basement! (all yelling) ("Ride of the Valkyries" playing) (music stops) Ho! Just goes to show you where a good plan will get you.
Oh! Watch it, Bernice! You're stepping on my head.
Like I can do any more damage.
Tell me, Mr.
Fixit, what exactly are we going to do now? Very simple.
We count on our neighbors.
They broke bread with us last night, Bernice.
We bonded.
I have no doubt that the minute any one of them notices anything strange going on over here, they'll be more than annxious to rush to our aid.
(alarm wailing) Anymore lemonade, dear? (alarm wailing) You gotta get me out of here! I gotta get out! It's too much, you hear me! The walls are closing in on me.
The ceiling is getting lower.
There are strange, gigantic lumpen shapes forming in the corners of the room.
Look, I found my old contact lens.
Please let me out! I can't take it! I can't take it! The loss of hope, the feelings of isolation, the pain in my face! I don't give a horse's hiney about your pain! We've been down here for ten minutes and you've spent the last eight folding like a cheap deck chair.
She's right, Dad.
You have been acting like a bit of a what's the word? (cat meowing) That's it.
Yeah? Well there's a reason I'm acting this way.
I'm just afraid if I tell you it'll make you think less of your old dad.
Good point.
Something happened when I was a kid, something I've carried with me all these years.
I was six years old.
I stole some candy from the Five and Dime and my dad found out.
Instead of spanking me or yelling at me, he just sat down and calmly wrote a little note, put it in an envelope and then told me to take it to the chief of police.
When I did, the chief read the note, shook his head then locked me in a jail cell.
You were in jail when you were six?! Turns out the note said, "This little boy stole some candy.
Please lock him in a cell for an hour to teach him a lesson.
" But, 15 minutes after he locked me up, the chief was leaning back in his chair, fell out, hit his head on a radiator and went into a coma.
No one else knew why I was in there.
So I sat in that cell until he came out of the coma and let me go.
How long were you in there? Your father didn't come and get you for 16 months? Shut up! Just shut up! My daddy loved me! He had a lot on his mind, that's all! If he had noticed I was missing, I know he would have come for me.
He loved me, I tell you! I know he loved me! Didn't you, Daddy? Didn't you love me? Well, boys, your father has decided to check out early again.
Any ideas? Well, sometimes a court will declare a person incompetent to handle his own affairs.
Then he's sent to an asylum and all of his assets are turned over to his children.
It's a pleasant thought, but I meant any ideas about how to get out of here.
Get out of here? Get out of here? I'll do that.
I'll get you out of here.
I'm the father.
It's my job to get you out of here, to keep you safe, to protect you against whatever comes along.
(yelling) COMPUTER: Intruders detected in basement.
Explosive device will detonate in ten minutes reducing intruders to lifeless piles of smoldering ash.
Bad news for those intruders, huh? We're the intruders, Ajax.
Now, listen, everyone.
When things have gotten tough, this family's always pitched in together.
Like when we smuggled those people out of Nazi Germany into Switzerland.
(to the tune of "The Sound of Music") * La, la, la-la-la, la-la-la, la, la-la * That wasn't us, you glob of mucus.
Oh, right.
Well, what about the time we all pitched in together to get cable? MAN: Hey! Why, I oughta (cheering) Yeah.
There was that.
And that's just how we're going to get out of here-- by pitching in together.
BERNICE: Look! AJAX: Let's go for it, Dad.
Bernice, move Grandma-ma over here.
Ajax, you get on her lap.
Twins, you and Aunt Bernice steady Ajax, while your old, how-could-you-ever-doubt-him dad climbs up and saves COMPUTER: You have fallen for the old emergency shutoff lever trick, thereby reducing the ten minute countdown to 30 seconds.
(all screaming) If you're a criminal, you deserve the bodily atomization.
If not, thank you for purchasing the Interlopen Fuhrer 2000.
Oh, no! Oh, no! We're going to be incinerated in our own cellar! I can't think of a worse way to end my life! MAN: This is Casey Cashem about to introduce the Countdown to Death.
Okay, there's one worse way.
But, before I do, I'd like to dedicate a song to all those families out there who are trapped together in basements that are about to blow up.
Kids, Bernice, this might really be the end.
Look, I want to say something I've never said before.
Stinky, pinky, bottle of inky? What? He has said it before? Just listen to me, will you? This isn't easy.
I mean I know I fell short in a few categories.
That, as a dad, I haven't been the greatest Provider, head of the household, role model or anything that can even be remotely confused with a parental figure.
Thank you, Bernice.
But it doesn't mean that I don't love you kids.
Or you, Grandma-ma, Or you Ber (coughs) Ber Brr.
Oh, come here.
(all sobbing) Ow! My eye! My eye! My eye! My eye! Oops, guess that won't help resale, will it? Look, it's the bomb! And now, here's the final countdown.
Ten nine eight seven, six five, four, Get down, everyone! three, (screaming) two, one (door opening) Hi-dee-ho.
Anyone home? Thank goodness.
What are you doing here? I knew something was wrong when you didn't show up for work today, Duckman.
I don't show up for work a lot of days.
True, but you always call in with some lame and pathetically inadequate excuse that I pretend to believe so as not to unbalance the age-old fragile employer-employee relationship.
Uncle Cornfed, you must have disarmed the system.
And just nanoseconds before it reduced us to molecules.
So that was the cord I tripped over and unplugged on the front porch.
Gee, Duckman, I hate to say it, but that was uncharacteristically heroic trying to save us like that.
True heroism.
You're cool.
Yeah, well, any dad would have done the same thing.
What the hell was I thinking?