Duckman (1994) s01e11 Episode Script

American Dick

(wolf whistles) (quacks) (gasps) (woman gasps) (animals braying and squawking) (grunts) ANNOUNCER: Welcome to this week's special episode of American Dicks.
As you know, detectives profiled in this program have solved 99 cases in a row-- a perfect record achieved with only a minimal amount of altered facts, network-funded bribery and threats of bodily harm to friends and families of the suspects.
Tonight, then, we attempt to solve our 100th case in a row.
Unfortunately, a detectives' strike is sweeping the nation and we've been able to find only one detective who was seduced enough by the potential notoriety to scab.
DUCKMAN: Fluffy, Uranus, where the (bleep) is my coffee? Don't you (bleep) realize I want my (bleep) coffee first thing every (bleep) morning.
If I don't (bleep) get it now I'm going to kick your furry little (bleep) out of here, so give me the (bleep) coffee! Oh.
Heh-heh.
(bleep).
Guess you'll cut that.
Uh, look, now that you're here, I want you people to know I'm just a little bit tweaked that it took you so long to get to me.
I mean, I should've been the first show, not the hundredth! I'm telling you, I don't need this kind of treatment from some cheap, jump-on-the-reality-show bandwagon schlockumentary.
Not that it's changed my opinion of your fine program one iota.
I'm proud to be part of your uncompromising quest for truth and justice.
Did I ever tell you how much I admired the episode where you rigged the dump truck to explode when the kid's bicycle hit it, so the detective could arrest the manufacturer? (laughs) So, shall we get on with the myth-making? This is my camera-shy, much less experienced and generally easy-to-ignore partner, Cornfed.
Hi, Mom.
Hop off the curly-cue, carnie.
You and me are heading out to solve American Dicks' (whispering): Duckman, that's Stickler for procedure thinks we should wait till we actually have a case.
Not to worry.
Only a matter of time before the big ones start pouring in.
(intercom buzzes) As promised.
URANUS: Mr.
Duckman, your carton of itch-away rectal cream just arrived and your test results are here.
The doctor hasn't identified your lesions but he's ruled out cold sores.
Before I met Duckman, I was at a crossroads, soul-searching, looking for my place in this endless puzzle we call life.
You ever wake up in a Cambodian gaming parlor and realize you were living in a dark, dank abyss of emptiness and loneliness, then wander the mountains of Asia for two years until you became the chef in a Tibetan monastery? I just asked what kind of detective Duckman is.
Oh.
I have some clothes in the dryer.
(snoring) Wake up, Mr.
Cameraman.
What? What? What? What? What? What? FLUFFY AND URANUS: Mr.
Duckman! Wake up, Mr.
Duckman! Wake up! Not respect you? I brought you the hand towel, didn't I? Ow! Wha-what? Right.
Amazing how fast two days of waiting for a case can go by.
URANUS: Mr.
Duckman, you've got a case on line one.
A case?! Me?! I mean, of course I have a case.
Why wouldn't I have a case? (laughing) I'm just surprised by the way he said it.
Here, let me get that for you.
(Fluffy giggles, then screams) Duckman Investigations-- what can I do for you? Solve a murder? Track down an international terrorist? Recover millions of dollars worth of stolen jewelry? FEMALE: I need you to get my cat down from a tree.
I live at Fourth and Elm.
Fourth and Elm.
Got it! We got a 405, Corny.
Code Red! Now, this may seem like a simple case, but with your feline search-and-rescue missions any number of things can go wrong.
Fortunately, I graduated magna come-and-get-me from the University of the Streets, and by streets, I mean, mean streets.
Oops, I forgot the rubber mouse and ball of string.
Fluffy, Uranus, hold my calls.
I'm about to become the most famous detective in town by solving Ah, you're sweet.
Sweetest, little, ooh.
(cat purring) What's that? Oh, it's a kitty cat, we found on our way to work.
At Fourth and Elm.
Uh Does that count? How is he as a father? Ha! Last week he converted the twins' stock dividends into singles, and blew the whole thing at that Live Nude Amazons bar by the airport.
(whirs) I knew that (bleep) didn't quit smoking.
You know how tough it is raising kids with a role model like that feathered weasel? Well, the women out there know what I mean.
Actually, our audience is mostly men between the ages of 20 and 55.
Really? Hmm if I get married my husband will become the man of the house and that deadbeat brother-in-law of mine will be out on his butt.
Oh, did I mention I'm a gourmet cook, and I'm about to have more than half my visible cellulite surgically removed.
(moaning) Heh-heh-heh.
Sinus itch.
So, uh, while we're here perhaps a lesson or two.
One thing that separates the great detectives from the slouches is the ability to recognize an opportunity.
You've got to help me.
My husband, Mayor Whitman, has disappeared.
Yeah, right, right.
A man needs a break once in a while.
Huh? Maybe there's a marriage counselor in the Yellow Pages.
Eh, where was I? (Mrs.
Whitman grunts) Ah, yes.
Sizing up an opportunity and seeing it for what it is.
No, no.
I need a detective.
With this strike going on, I can't find one anywhere.
Hey, put a sock in it, lady.
I'm in the middle of achieving legendary detectivehood.
while millions watch! (grunts) As I was saying, there could be a case lurking anywhere.
Uh, Duckman? You're going to interrupt me too?! (whispering) Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm? Uh, no, Cornfed, we can't take lunch yet.
I have an intuitive sense that this woman may have a case.
Well, lady, are my razor-sharp instincts correct? I've been trying to tell you-- my husband disappeared-- Mayor Whitman.
Mayor Whitman! The man who brought honesty and fairness to municipal politics? The man who cleansed city hall of corruption.
The man I voted for six times last election? Any suspects? Well, there's Le Francis-- Lance Le Francis.
He manages the baseball star Honiss Rhodes.
I think money could be a motivating factor here.
You're right.
Le Francis owed taxes to the city.
I mean, for me.
How much cash you willing to cough up? I'll pay you $5,000.
Hey, I don't work for free! Oh, sorry.
Reflex.
Five thousand, huh? Make it ten, you got a deal.
Five.
Nine.
Eight.
Five.
Seven.
Five.
Six.
Five.
Five, but that's as low as I'll go.
Four.
Deal! I'll take the case if we're not booked up.
Cor-nay, would you mind checking my book? You've got your 50th high school reunion in June of 2021.
Before that, we're clear.
From the moment a case begins, I get into a mode of heightened reality, hyper-perceptive to every single thing that goes on around me, like an owl scouting its prey, sensing it, finding it, then moving in for the Corny, you remember where I parked? Ook-lay ehind you-bay.
Heh-heh.
Nice job, Corny.
I like to devise little games to keep Cornfed sharp.
BERNICE: Duckman! There you are.
I've been looking everywhere for you.
Oh, my heavens! Is this the television show? It completely slipped my mind.
Now! DUCKMAN: Bernice, what the.
.
? Look, aliens are stealing that baby! As I was saying, I was just catching up on one of my many and varied leisure time activities.
Favorite hobbies include drag racing, ancient Greek philosophy, and snorkeling, which, by the bye, has resulted in an almost superhuman capacity for breath control, when I remembered I had something urgent to do.
I have something urgent to do too.
I'm about to solve the 100th case on American Dicks.
Tell her, Corny.
Define "about to solve.
" Hey, want to see my abscessed tooth? CAMERAMAN: Hey, what are you.
.
? What's this button do? CAMERAMAN: Keep your hands off of that, you little (bleep)! Here, let me get that wire for you.
Bernice, don't you realize how much this case will do for me? It will make me somebody.
My kids will be able to be proud of me.
I can't believe you'd ruin my moment in the sun.
That's not the only reason I'm here.
You promised to spend an afternoon with the children.
Yeah, sure, before they get married.
Do I.
.
? I mean, they're so busy with school and all.
Look, Bernice, I can't take them now.
Think about someone besides yourself for once.
And don't forget Charles and Mambo's recital Friday, either.
Ta-ta! (sirens wailing) CAMERAMAN: Out of the way! I was here first.
Sorry, we got jurisdiction here.
We're on a major network.
Oh.
DUCKMAN: What the hell's going on?! You're under arrest, Duckman.
(clears throat) Let me try it again.
You're under arrest, Duckman.
You have the right to remain silent.
You have some other rights too which they'll dub in at editing.
Let's go.
Wait, guys! You can't do this to me.
It's my chance at the brass ring, my big opportunity, my once-in-a-lifetime shot.
Are you goons listening to me? Ooh.
Goons? Just a term of affection from the Latin-- goonar, "to like.
" The nightsticks are just for show, right? Well, I'm sure we'll be out of here and back on the case faster than you can say plea bargain.
They obviously got the wrong guy.
I'm a good citizen.
I pay taxes, well, sales tax, except on the stereo stuff I buy from those two discount guys in the ski masks.
(gavel pounds) I hereby call this court to order.
And welcome some very special guests and close personal friends.
American Cops, American Dicks, American Stenographers, American Court Janitors, and of course, our very own Slap-Happy Singleton.
First on the docket, the case of the City C-I-T-Y, city, city, city, yay! Woof! Woof! Woof! versus Duckman.
(booing) Mr.
Duckman, you stand accused of several violations of the city's parking code.
Your Honor, please? Can't you just let me off with a warning? I'll go to a few traffic classes, become a better driver by watching all those movies of people flying through their windshields.
Yes, well, uh, I suppose I could let you off.
AJAX: Way to go, Dad.
He didn't even nail you for that expired license.
Or when you backed that manure spreader next to his car and emptied it into his sunroof, the last time he gave you a That Duckman! Thanks, kids.
You little (bleep).
I sentence you to five years in prison without parole, without cable TV, without Wait a minute.
Are you Cornfed Pig? Ernie "Flipper" Davenport, Navy Seals, Third Division.
Corny, you old hog! How are you? Oh, same old, same old.
You know this clown? He's my boss.
I can't lock up the boss of a man who saved my life in Da Nang, reconnecting my heart using only a Swiss Army Knife and a boot lace.
Penalty reduced to a fine of $500 or three days in jail.
I don't have $500! I can't go to jail now! Look, I don't suppose you could float me a few C-notes till I crack this case? Ow! Where you going? We're both mature, sensible adults here.
Why don't we just turn this pesky little camera off and have a rational discussion.
Please, please, please! You got to bail me out! I'll do anything for you! I'll scrub the backs of your knees! I'll peel the corns off your toes with my teeth! I'll even hand wash you! I did turn that thing off, right? Actually, you hit the tint button.
Oh.
(chuckles) I guess you'll cut that out too.
Thanks for the loan, although I still think mowing your lawn for five years is a little excessive.
Dad, I'm bored.
Yeah, we should be home practicing our tubas.
Look, kids, I'm doing this for you.
Aside from the incredible fame and celebrity I'll get from the exposure, some of this reward money will go to your college educations.
You know, your old dad can only go so far in teaching you all the important things you need to know in life.
Hey, Dad, I can belch my name better now.
(belches): Ajax.
Still not hearing that second syllable, son.
I think we have the best dad in the world, except maybe for my friend Peter's dad who buys him things, or Nurya's dad who has six fingers.
My dad swatted my face with a broom once.
Of course, I was eating from the dustpan at the time.
(tires screeching) Okay, kids, be careful, This is obviously a seedy area.
In fact, I wouldn't even be in this section of town if it weren't a matter of life and death.
Hey, Duckman, you got that five you owe me? (screams) I got a common name.
Mrs.
Whitman said Honiss Rhodes is signing autographs down here.
Now I know, he can lead us to Le Francis.
I have a sixth sense about the criminal element.
That's right, if there's the fetid funk of crime within a mile of here, I'll sniff it out.
Hey, punk, you pay for that candy? (yells) (chuckles) Guilty conscience.
(rumbling) Sorry.
My gastriacis acts up whenever I haven't eaten all day.
Oh, gum! There's Honiss now.
Time to take out the trash.
Hey! He's your biggest fan.
If you could just sign his oxygen tank "Keep on fighting, little slugger.
This one's going extra innings.
" It would make his day.
That's five bucks a word for the inscription and ten for the signature.
Oh.
All right, bat boy.
Where's your manager, Le Francis? You talking to me? Uh, no, to the, uh bat boy.
All right, stay here, kids.
No telling what to expect.
What do you say, Le Francis, pay or play? I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, no? Well, perhaps this will refresh your memory.
What does a Polaroid of you handing dollar bills to half-naked Amazons have to do with anything? Oh.
Wrong picture.
That's Mayor Whitman.
Guilty as charged! Yeah.
You can have all the technology in the world, but what it comes down to each and every time is gut instinct.
Help! I'm the mayor! They're trying to kidnap me! Help! Uh, Duckman Not now, Corny.
I'm having a moment.
Kids, come here and share the limelight with your old man-- the best detective this fair city has ever known.
Duckman, the mayor Yeah, I like the sound of that.
Duckman, the mayor.
What do you think, boys? Get to live in that great big house, go to free dinners, fix parking tickets.
(screaming) Oh, that mayor.
(cameraman panting) (cameraman grunts) (cameraman panting) Something's wrong here.
Where the hell's my car freshener?! Oh.
Never mind.
Here it is.
You know, kids, once I solve this case, your pop will probably be the most important detective ever on this show.
What do you think about that, Corny? You're working for the biggest American dick ever.
AJAX: Hey, quit pushing me.
Then move your carcass.
What's a carcass? Protozoa brain.
Double bill.
All right, knock it off, or I'll send you back to your biological parents.
(horn honking) (grunting) (siren wailing) (camerman panting) Dad, Dad.
It's the camera guy.
Ooh, look.
A chocolate bar.
(screams) Help! AJAX: Eww this isn't a chocolate bar.
(speaking foreign language) Oh-ho! Back from dinner already, huh? Too bad-- you just missed my kids.
Their Aunt Bernice came by to pick them up.
I begged them to stay.
They're so much fun to have around.
Dad, if you're going to kick us out at least give us cab fare! There you are! Corny! Hey, why don't you tell them all the great detective stuff I did while he was gone.
Well, he interviewed everyone the mayor has ever known, put a phone tap on his house, checked his credit card receipts for the last 12 months, and snuck off to his favorite topless bar and spent our retainer on table dances.
Liar! You're right.
He didn't do those first three things.
Okay, so we're out of leads.
It doesn't matter.
We masters of the craft find leads where none exist.
What, you didn't think I went in there to get a lead, did you? (chuckling) The kidnapper's a Scorpio.
Uh, yes, Mrs.
, uh, Aaronson? Yeah, I'm doing a little survey.
Do you happen to know where the mayor is? No, huh? Okay.
Yeah, is Betty Abagam there? Dasvidanya, comrade.
I'm through, Corny.
Ruined! Kaput! A has-been! A won't-be! A loser! I let my kids down.
I let you down.
I might as well throw away my detective's license.
(sobbing) I can't believe Don't you ever knock?! CORNFED: Duckman, take a look at this.
Oh, my God! I can't believe it! I've been drinking expired milk! I was referring to this picture of the mayor, bound and gagged, with Le Francis behind him, holding a gun to his head, leading to the conclusion that Le Francis kidnapped the mayor and is keeping him at the dairy he owns-- the same dairy that the mayor wanted to shut down because Le Francis wasn't paying any taxes.
Uh-huh.
One question.
Can you get sick from drinking spoiled milk? Ew! Son of a All right, this is it.
This is what we detectives live for.
The big bust! Pervert! Look at the size of those udders.
That's our milking area.
We milk the cows about once a week so they don't get sore teats.
(both chuckling) Can I help you with something? Um, we're with the American Milk Society, and we're doing a film on, uh milking.
Mind if we poke around in areas not usually open to people looking for a kidnap victim? Nah.
Go ahead.
All right, there you have it.
Superior detective skills.
That's what separates the true detectives from the pretenders.
The ability to assume a new identity to move in secrecy like a prowler in the night leaving no trail, no scent.
MAN: Phone call for private detective! That's me! Hello.
Bernice?! I told you never to call me anywhere! Yuck.
No, I won't whisper that to the cameraman.
Uh, Duckman I know about the recital.
I don't want to miss it.
If you'd get off the phone, maybe I could solve this case and get there on time.
I got a hunch I'm onto something at this dairy.
Bernice, I don't want to let them down! I know I'm their only father.
I'm also the only person in the world right now who's able to save the mayor.
See if you can stall the recital for a few minutes.
I'll try to find the mayor.
When I do, I'll be able to buy the boys a hundred pianos.
Right, tubas.
(yelling) CROWD (chanting): Cornfed! Cornfed! Of course it was dangerous, Mayor, but that comes with the territory.
(screaming) (mooing) WOMAN: That's the duck who put his face between my breasts.
Hey, you can't do this! This is my ticket to the big time! (playing tuba) (breaking wind) Hey, that was great! It's like I never missed your recital.
I tried to make it, kids, honestly I did.
You guys know I love you.
And to prove it, I got you something.
I hope it's the right size.
A sweater! Who should we thank-- you or the midget who left it at the bus depot? (laughing) I can't breathe.
Where's Mambo? Well, the mayor's back in city hall and Lance Le Francis is behind bars.
And even though I didn't officially solve the case, I had my own reward.
Today I learned the importance of being a good father, and that means being around when my bogs need me.
Bogs? That should be boys.
You misspelled that on purpose, didn't you? You're trying to humiliate me.
I tried to have one moment here and you took it away from me.
Yoo-hoo! Mike? I'm ready to go.
And bring the camera.
And now you're going out with my sister-in-law?! Don't you have any ethics, any morals, any taste? Well, I've about had it with you! Ever since you got here, you've been trying to make me look bad.
Well, here, how do I look now?! (groaning) Mike? Mike? Duckman! If he can't walk out of here on two feet, you won't be able to either.
Duckman! Duckman! (Duckman yelling) (traffic noise)