Dummy (2020) s01e08 Episode Script

1
GUNMAN: Open the fucking register now!
Everybody get your hands up.
Come on, get over here,
I want everybody to line up over here.
- Oh, my God, oh, my God,
Barbara, do you think he saw us?
- Fuck, I don't think so.
I don't know.
CODY: I don't want to die, man,
not like this.
I don't even have a Wikipedia page.
GUNMAN: Ma'am.
- Oh, shit, he saw you.
- What? No, he said "ma'am."
BARBARA: Yeah, that's you.
- What? I'm not a ma'am.
- Yeah, you are, you're totally a ma'am.
- No, I'm not.
BARBARA: Yes, you are.
You've been a ma'am for a long time.
GUNMAN: Ma'am!
Ma'am!
Why don't you go smoke
some more crack, huh?
- You got any?
- What?!
- See, he was talking to the crack whore,
I told you.
- Okay, I don't care.
Listen to me, I have a plan.
You see those Jesus candles?
You're gonna take two of them,
then you're gonna somersault
quietly behind the candy aisle.
From my calculations,
you'll have a perfect vantage point.
- What the fuck are you talking about?
- Come on, Cody, you can take him.
- No, I can't.
BARBARA: Yes, you can.
You're bigger than him.
- Fuck you.
- You are-- you're like twice his size.
- I want everybody to take
their cell phones out and their wallets.
But don't touch your own wallet!
Take the wallet out
of the person to your right.
There's only four phones here,
and there's five of you.
- Fuck this.
I'm calling the cops.
- You're such a pussy.
[gunman shouting indistinctly]
What are you doing?
- Nothing. Nothing, nothing.
[Barbara gasps]
Are you fucking texting Dan right now?
- No, okay, just
I texted him "I love you" two hours ago,
and he just texted back
"k, you, too," all lowercase.
Like, what the fuck is that?
- I seriously cannot believe you.
Don't you get that this is
like a fucking parable
for the world right now?
Toxic masculinity as represented,
quite literally,
by a dude with a gu
Well, don't write that.
- Why?
- "Are we okay?"
CODY: What, what?
- If you have to write to your boyfriend
"Are we okay?"
you're definitely not okay.
- Do you think he's cheating on me?
- Honestly?
GUNMAN: Ma'am.
- Yeah.
- Don't say that.
You're gonna give me
a fucking heart attack.
- Ma'am!
- [gasps] Fuck, oh, my God.
Please don't kill me, Jesus Christ,
please, please, please don't kill me,
oh, my God.
- See, you're totally a ma'am,
I was right.
[laughs]
- Shut up.
- What?
- No, not-- nothing, not you.
- Slide your phone over here.
- Okay, okay, okay, just, um
I'm so sorry, can I just send one text?
It'll be so fast.
- No! What the fuck?!
- Okay, okay, all right, okay!
All-all right!
- God, you idiot!
[quiet music playing]
- Is that a fucking sex doll?
- Yeah.
- The fuck is around its neck?
- Her vagina?
BARBARA: Sir,
I'm fully cooperating,
and if you have to kill her,
I completely understand,
and if you have to rape me, I'm down,
but, like, please don't kill me.
- Why the fuck is it wearing a vagina
around its neck?
- Well, it's her,
it's her old vagina, it's
'Cause, you know, she wa--
she used to be my boyfriend's sex doll
and now, you know, she's just my friend
and she's my writing partner.
She's kind of a,
kind of a handful, actually.
When she was my boyfriend's sex doll,
he didn't, he didn't take
very good care of her, so, like,
hygiene-wise,
her pussy got kind of crusty.
You know, when I say that,
it, like, it-it sounds like I'm saying,
like, he's a pervert.
He's, like, a super sweet guy,
great boyfriend.
He's actually, like,
a really successful TV writer.
He just has kinks, you know.
He's into foot stuff, he's into pantyhose,
and, you know, like,
for a while he just had, um,
like, a mannequin leg,
and he would put pantyhose on it
and he would just, like,
rub it on his nipples,
but then the dog chewed up
the pantyhose leg,
so then he got the sex doll.
It's kind of the
GUNMAN: Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Is your is your boyfriend Dan Harmon?
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
This is crazy.
I am a huge fan.
- Wait, what?
GUNMAN: Yeah.
- I fucked him every week.
- Uh
CODY: Oh, my God!
- Rick and Morty is
my favorite TV show of all time.
- That is insane.
- I-- this is crazy.
I'm, like, a total Harmenian,
and, you know, I,
I listen to his podcast every week.
- Right.
GUNMAN: And, as you know, you know,
he really kind of, like,
puts himself out there,
so when you said "sex doll,"
I was like, "Could it be?"
And then you were like, "writer."
And then you said
- "Foot fetish."
- "foot fetish"! And I was like,
"Uh, could it be? Yes, it is!"
And now it is!
- Dude, I'm, like, freaking out right now.
This is fucking crazy.
GUNMAN: So am I.
Wow, what a small world.
What are the chances
that, like, you and I would run
into each other like this?
- Very slim.
- Barbara.
- I mean,
it's-it's like a Rick and Morty episode,
but, like, everything
I would be saying would be
so much smarter
because the writing on that show was
[gunshot]
[both screaming]
CODY: Oh, my God!
Holy shit!
[Barbara screams]
- [panting]
[engine starts]
[Barbara sighs]
- That was so fucked up.
- [exhales]: What?
- Oh, my God, I'm, like, still shaking.
- Like, me, too, I'm also shaking.
Like, I'm not actually physically shaking,
but I'm also experiencing the trauma
in a very real way.
- That was fucking crazy!
What the fuck just happened to us?!
- That was crazy!
Like, who thought that fucking crack whore
would save the day like that?
- Oh, my God, I know.
You know
we probably shouldn't call her that
anymore.
- I hundred percent agree.
Well, can you believe that
crack sex worker
saved the fucking day like that?
- Totally.
Oh, my God, he broke my phone.
I mean, mostly it is very, very sad
that a, like, a human life was taken,
obviously,
and, like, I feel terrible for, like,
the family
of that dead robber.
- Dude, I feel terrible, too.
Like, to echo that, I'm devastated.
- I mean, the whole thing's
like a fucking tragedy.
BARBARA: It's a tra--
it's that's a perfect word.
Yeah, it's like a true American tragedy.
But
you know, it is kind of
one of those tragedies that
would make an amazing story, right?
- Like, a really good story.
- Like, it'd be almost more of a tragedy
if we didn't tell that story, right?
- Like maybe in a spec script
about a girl and her sex doll?
- Oh, my God, I was having the same idea!
- No.
- Yes, but I didn't want to tell you
'cause I was like,
"She's gonna think I'm a monster."
- Wait, really?
- Hundred percent.
- No. Oh, my God, that's hilarious.
Oh, my God, I'm starving.
Feel like I burned,
like, a million calories
just from having my heart rate
so elevated.
- I know, I'm so hungry.
[sighs] I would so join you, but
- You're a sex doll so you can't eat?
- I'm keeping this shit tight.
- All right.
Bitch, you are covered in blood.
BARBARA: You're covered in blood.
CODY: You look psychotic.
BARBARA:
You look like you're in the movie Carrie.
CODY: No, I look dope.
'Cause they mean me and you. ♪