Dummy (2020) s01e09 Episode Script
Paraben-Free Lube
1
CODY: Okay, so we hard cut
inside the convenience store.
Cody and Barbara enter;
they're high as fuck.
And they head to the snack aisle.
BARBARA:
Yeah, and then that's probably
where we should introduce Sheila, right?
- Who's Sheila?
- You know, the crack whore.
- Oh, the crack sex worker. Yeah.
- I mean, the crack sex worker.
- Are we calling her Sheila?
- Yeah, why? Do you not like it?
- I don't know.
She just doesn't, like,
feel like a Sheila. Maybe Shayna?
- [inhales sharply]
Um, I actually do have
a cousin named Shayna,
and I kind of worry that
she might be, like, offended.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, I don't want her to think
I'm making fun of her.
And, see, the thing that
you have to know about Shayna--
actually really nice to talk
- Okay, but it's not like
she's gonna see it.
I mean, it's just a spec script.
It's not like it's getting made.
- Okay, well, it won't with that attitude,
that's for sure.
[ringtone playing]
Oh, my God, Cody, if it's Dan,
do not pick up.
Do not pick up!
We're working! Ugh!
You fat bitch.
You always do this.
Ugh, you're gonna come back,
and you're gonna be
in a bad mood, and then we're gonna
have to talk about your relationship,
and I'm gonna have to pretend that I care.
[microwave beeping]
CODY:
Well, that's it.
Dan's totally cheating on me. So
- I know, right?
- Yeah. He's going on
that girl Simone's podcast.
And she is so beautiful.
- She's honestly stunning.
- They probably haven't gotten
physical yet, just because,
like, she seems like
this really sweet person.
[water splashes]
And she's probably, like
- Super sweet.
- considering my feelings,
but it's only a matter of time,
realistically, before, like,
they move in together
and, you know, like,
start making a family.
- Yeah, time.
Realistic. Time.
CODY:
I mean, you know, he's a successful guy.
Like, a lot of girls would
- Uh-huh.
[romantic music playing]
Who is
that?
- Um, I don't know,
my downstairs neighbor?
BARBARA:
Holy shit!
I mean, you saw it, right?
- See what?
- His dick.
It was, like, bulging in his pants.
- Oh, my God.
- It was, like, pulsating.
And honestly, now that
I'm thinking about it,
I think I could see the outline
of his balls, too.
- Oh, my God. Dude. Dude. Gross!
- What?
- He's, like, 14.
- Okay, so?
I'm seven.
He's, like, twice my age.
- I mean, I guess, but still
- Okay, Cody, shut up.
You like older guys, too.
Who do you think that was with him?
Do you think that was his girlfriend?
She's busted, right?
I mean, could you believe what
she was wearing? It was like
- Dude, what? No.
That's his mom,
who he lives with, 'cause he's 14.
- Do you think it'd be, like, really weird
if you set us up or whatever?
- Yes. It would be insanely weird.
Like, what's wrong with you?
- I'm a sex doll, okay?
I'm sorry that, like, my very nature
is just completely offensive to you.
- Okay, that's obviously not what I meant.
- Forget I even ever brought it up.
It's like, I'm always there for you.
You're literally never there for me.
- Wow. A hard right.
When have I not been there for you?
- Um, how about, like, ten minutes ago?
The whole thing with my cousin Shayna.
The second I start opening up
to you about something,
you just shut me down.
And things are really strained
with me and Shayna right now.
No, and, like
- Okay, Barbara, you can't just like
- Oh, my God, you're doing it again!
- Barbara, this is insane.
And I know that you have,
like, some weird hold over me,
where I do all this
inappropriate shit for you,
but I am not asking
my 14-year-old neighbor
to fuck my boyfriend's used sex doll.
So, um, just in here.
Thanks a lot for helping me out
with this, Jaxon.
- Sure, it's no problem.
So, um, what do you need moved?
- Um this couch.
Yeah. It's, uh
it's in the wrong place,
according to feng shui,
so that's
you know, maybe that's why
my life is so messed up, right?
- Yeah, um, where do you want it to go?
- Um, here.
Just, like, this-this side
here, kind of.
So, you're in, um, what,
you're in, like, ninth grade?
- Eighth.
- Eighth grade.
Great. Cool.
So, that's, like, the grade
where you get a
girlfriend or?
- No, not really.
- No?
- Hey, is this gonna be weird?
Um, 'cause the couch is
in front of the fireplace now.
- Oh, huh, I'll just, um
I just won't use the fireplace anymore.
BARBARA:
Yo, where are those nuts at?!
- Um
Actually, I have a
another thing that needs
to be moved, and, uh,
that thing is in in my bedroom, so
This way.
[pop music playing quietly]
Oh, my gosh.
I forgot I left out my friend.
[chuckles]
Have you seen one of these before?
BARBARA: Hey.
CODY:
They're very cool.
They're basically, like,
a doll you have sex with,
which is cool.
BARBARA: Okay, he gets it, Cody.
- Oh, okay.
- Show him the lube.
- [whispering]: I'm not gonna
show him the lube.
This is crazy.
- So, um, what do you need moved in here?
- Um, so this is um,
this is my bottle of lubricant.
BARBARA:
Tell him that it's lavender hibiscus.
- This smells really good.
BARBARA: Cody!
Get out of here. You're weirding him out.
JAXON: Uh, you know what?
I actually have piano,
so I-I got, I got to go.
- No!
No, Cody, don't let him go!
Don't let him go!
Tell him about my new vagina!
- Jaxon, can't you just-- Jaxon.
Will you will you please
just fuck my sex doll?!
What did you think
was gonna happen?
He's a kid. He probably
doesn't even have pubes.
- You're saying he's out of my league?
- No! What are you [shudders]
I-- Barbara, I'm sorry.
I tried.
You saw. I tried, okay?
- It's fine.
It's not your fault.
I'm old.
I'm outdated.
- Barb
Barbara, stop. [scoffs]
You want to talk about old and outdated?
Like, past her prime?
Like, look at me.
- Cody, you realize
I say all that mean shit to you because
[sighs] I'm jealous.
- What are you talking about?
- You're so hot.
- Shut up. No, I'm not.
- You are.
You are. You're, like, effortlessly hot.
- Shut up.
- And, like, your tits are amazing.
- Are you serious?
- Yes!
- My tits are like, eh-- like, who cares?
Like, they're nothing to write home about.
- They are so gorgeous.
- I'm serious.
- No, they're amazing.
- They're not. Feel.
- Yes.
- No, I'm being serious. Feel.
Feel.
- Ah.
Dude, they're literally perfect.
- Um, yours are perfect.
- Mine?
I hate my boobs.
They're, like, cold and hard
and, like, fake.
- No. Uh, shut up.
- They are. Feel.
[soft pop song playing]
- [quietly]: Whatever.
They're so nice.
- Thanks. I mean,
yours are amazing. [chuckles]
- I am ready, I am fine. ♪
♪
CODY: Okay, so we hard cut
inside the convenience store.
Cody and Barbara enter;
they're high as fuck.
And they head to the snack aisle.
BARBARA:
Yeah, and then that's probably
where we should introduce Sheila, right?
- Who's Sheila?
- You know, the crack whore.
- Oh, the crack sex worker. Yeah.
- I mean, the crack sex worker.
- Are we calling her Sheila?
- Yeah, why? Do you not like it?
- I don't know.
She just doesn't, like,
feel like a Sheila. Maybe Shayna?
- [inhales sharply]
Um, I actually do have
a cousin named Shayna,
and I kind of worry that
she might be, like, offended.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, I don't want her to think
I'm making fun of her.
And, see, the thing that
you have to know about Shayna--
actually really nice to talk
- Okay, but it's not like
she's gonna see it.
I mean, it's just a spec script.
It's not like it's getting made.
- Okay, well, it won't with that attitude,
that's for sure.
[ringtone playing]
Oh, my God, Cody, if it's Dan,
do not pick up.
Do not pick up!
We're working! Ugh!
You fat bitch.
You always do this.
Ugh, you're gonna come back,
and you're gonna be
in a bad mood, and then we're gonna
have to talk about your relationship,
and I'm gonna have to pretend that I care.
[microwave beeping]
CODY:
Well, that's it.
Dan's totally cheating on me. So
- I know, right?
- Yeah. He's going on
that girl Simone's podcast.
And she is so beautiful.
- She's honestly stunning.
- They probably haven't gotten
physical yet, just because,
like, she seems like
this really sweet person.
[water splashes]
And she's probably, like
- Super sweet.
- considering my feelings,
but it's only a matter of time,
realistically, before, like,
they move in together
and, you know, like,
start making a family.
- Yeah, time.
Realistic. Time.
CODY:
I mean, you know, he's a successful guy.
Like, a lot of girls would
- Uh-huh.
[romantic music playing]
Who is
that?
- Um, I don't know,
my downstairs neighbor?
BARBARA:
Holy shit!
I mean, you saw it, right?
- See what?
- His dick.
It was, like, bulging in his pants.
- Oh, my God.
- It was, like, pulsating.
And honestly, now that
I'm thinking about it,
I think I could see the outline
of his balls, too.
- Oh, my God. Dude. Dude. Gross!
- What?
- He's, like, 14.
- Okay, so?
I'm seven.
He's, like, twice my age.
- I mean, I guess, but still
- Okay, Cody, shut up.
You like older guys, too.
Who do you think that was with him?
Do you think that was his girlfriend?
She's busted, right?
I mean, could you believe what
she was wearing? It was like
- Dude, what? No.
That's his mom,
who he lives with, 'cause he's 14.
- Do you think it'd be, like, really weird
if you set us up or whatever?
- Yes. It would be insanely weird.
Like, what's wrong with you?
- I'm a sex doll, okay?
I'm sorry that, like, my very nature
is just completely offensive to you.
- Okay, that's obviously not what I meant.
- Forget I even ever brought it up.
It's like, I'm always there for you.
You're literally never there for me.
- Wow. A hard right.
When have I not been there for you?
- Um, how about, like, ten minutes ago?
The whole thing with my cousin Shayna.
The second I start opening up
to you about something,
you just shut me down.
And things are really strained
with me and Shayna right now.
No, and, like
- Okay, Barbara, you can't just like
- Oh, my God, you're doing it again!
- Barbara, this is insane.
And I know that you have,
like, some weird hold over me,
where I do all this
inappropriate shit for you,
but I am not asking
my 14-year-old neighbor
to fuck my boyfriend's used sex doll.
So, um, just in here.
Thanks a lot for helping me out
with this, Jaxon.
- Sure, it's no problem.
So, um, what do you need moved?
- Um this couch.
Yeah. It's, uh
it's in the wrong place,
according to feng shui,
so that's
you know, maybe that's why
my life is so messed up, right?
- Yeah, um, where do you want it to go?
- Um, here.
Just, like, this-this side
here, kind of.
So, you're in, um, what,
you're in, like, ninth grade?
- Eighth.
- Eighth grade.
Great. Cool.
So, that's, like, the grade
where you get a
girlfriend or?
- No, not really.
- No?
- Hey, is this gonna be weird?
Um, 'cause the couch is
in front of the fireplace now.
- Oh, huh, I'll just, um
I just won't use the fireplace anymore.
BARBARA:
Yo, where are those nuts at?!
- Um
Actually, I have a
another thing that needs
to be moved, and, uh,
that thing is in in my bedroom, so
This way.
[pop music playing quietly]
Oh, my gosh.
I forgot I left out my friend.
[chuckles]
Have you seen one of these before?
BARBARA: Hey.
CODY:
They're very cool.
They're basically, like,
a doll you have sex with,
which is cool.
BARBARA: Okay, he gets it, Cody.
- Oh, okay.
- Show him the lube.
- [whispering]: I'm not gonna
show him the lube.
This is crazy.
- So, um, what do you need moved in here?
- Um, so this is um,
this is my bottle of lubricant.
BARBARA:
Tell him that it's lavender hibiscus.
- This smells really good.
BARBARA: Cody!
Get out of here. You're weirding him out.
JAXON: Uh, you know what?
I actually have piano,
so I-I got, I got to go.
- No!
No, Cody, don't let him go!
Don't let him go!
Tell him about my new vagina!
- Jaxon, can't you just-- Jaxon.
Will you will you please
just fuck my sex doll?!
What did you think
was gonna happen?
He's a kid. He probably
doesn't even have pubes.
- You're saying he's out of my league?
- No! What are you [shudders]
I-- Barbara, I'm sorry.
I tried.
You saw. I tried, okay?
- It's fine.
It's not your fault.
I'm old.
I'm outdated.
- Barb
Barbara, stop. [scoffs]
You want to talk about old and outdated?
Like, past her prime?
Like, look at me.
- Cody, you realize
I say all that mean shit to you because
[sighs] I'm jealous.
- What are you talking about?
- You're so hot.
- Shut up. No, I'm not.
- You are.
You are. You're, like, effortlessly hot.
- Shut up.
- And, like, your tits are amazing.
- Are you serious?
- Yes!
- My tits are like, eh-- like, who cares?
Like, they're nothing to write home about.
- They are so gorgeous.
- I'm serious.
- No, they're amazing.
- They're not. Feel.
- Yes.
- No, I'm being serious. Feel.
Feel.
- Ah.
Dude, they're literally perfect.
- Um, yours are perfect.
- Mine?
I hate my boobs.
They're, like, cold and hard
and, like, fake.
- No. Uh, shut up.
- They are. Feel.
[soft pop song playing]
- [quietly]: Whatever.
They're so nice.
- Thanks. I mean,
yours are amazing. [chuckles]
- I am ready, I am fine. ♪
♪