Duncanville (2020) s01e03 Episode Script

Undacuva Mutha

1 Boo, boo, boo, boo Boo, boo, boo, boo Boo, boo, boo, boo Boo, boo, boo, boo Boo, boo, boo, boo Boo, boo, boo, boo Ooh! - Mommy! - Aaaaaaah! - Duncan! - Duncan! Come on, move it.
What's taking you so long? Toast, darn you.
You've got one job, and you can't even do it.
Forget it.
You're too late.
- Is Mommy okay? - She's fine.
- It's just that time of the month.
- Ew, gross.
The monthly shedding of a woman's uterine wall - is not gross.
- Sounds gross.
He means it's quota day.
You know, the last day of the month for me to write as many parking tickets as possible? - Plus I'm on my period.
- I'm done.
But, Mom, you said ticket quotas were a myth.
They are, honey a myth that's real.
Making my quota is the only way I'll get promoted to moving violations and then riot control and someday detective.
These boots were made for kicking down doors without a warrant.
Hiyah! Okay, I don't know what time I'll be home, so Dad's in charge.
Do whatever he says.
Jack, I left instructions on the fridge.
- Do whatever I say.
- On it, my quota queen.
- A bulletproof vest? - People really hate quota day.
The streets cry out for justice.
The meters cry out for quarters and often credit cards so let's show this town why they hate us.
Morning, Detectives.
Serpowitz, J.
, Detective Wags.
- Who's that? - Beats me.
Someday I'll drink at 9:00 a.
and wonder how I became a dirty cop.
You're listening to Pipe Down with Ron and Rob.
Welcome back to Pipe Down.
I'm Ron.
And I'm Rob.
Today's topic: Drano.
It's going to be the end of us.
You said the same thing about Liquid Plummer.
This is a big "pipe down" for me.
Oh, Ron and Rob just can't agree.
Ugh, please change the station.
Sure, these guys died years ago.
I love this song! My booty goes pop - Okay, we're here.
- Ugh.
Yay, I love school! No, Jing, school sucks.
Yeah, school sucks.
Well, you gotta go.
It's on the fridge.
Fridge sucks.
But you're always telling us stories about how you and your friends skipped school when you were a kid.
Those were simpler times, Kimber.
Schools didn't have automated systems calling the house when you ditched.
All they had was a crotchety old principal who would chase us through the mall.
Screw you, Sanderson.
You used to be so cool, Dad.
I'm still cool.
Now a little toot-toot to announce my presence.
Oh, I take it back, Dad.
You're a badass.
That does it! I'll show you who's cool.
Buckle up! No, wait.
Don't buckle up.
- Yes.
- Yay! Screw you, Sanderson! What up, students? What's up, Mr.
Mitch? Bad news, homies.
You're not here to see a magician.
- What? - Aw! That's the only reason I came to school today.
But the school board is making our budget disappear.
- That's clever.
- Dat boy a word magician.
The following programs have been deemed expendable.
- Drama - Nooooooooo! - Chess club - Nyet! A cappella choir No, no, no, no, no, no, no And Coach Walters will now be your school nurse.
I don't do girl problems! Hey, check it out.
New Air Jordan sneaker drop.
New Air Js will totally change my life.
Duncan, Duncan, Duncan! To the pop-up! Come on, Yangzi, I said "to the pop-up.
" Tee-hee-hee.
I'm an influencer.
I don't wait in line with drooling brain-dead teens.
No offense.
Uh, it's cool.
Bam, boom, katoosh! I love this game.
Oh, Annie, you lucky duck.
Hmm? Hi.
Not today, meter cheater! - Ha, beat you! - Oh, yeah? - Check behind your ear.
- What the - Thanks for playin'.
- Hey, those are my sunglasses.
Can't believe I'm gonna own a new pair of Air Js.
I worked my ass off for this money, but it's worth it.
Hey, Dunker, it's Dad.
The day you were born was the best day My mom's boyfriend left his wallet on the kitchen counter idiot.
My grandma pays me to read my dead grandpa's letters to her.
They're devastating.
Okay, 114, 115, 116, get your cash out.
Yeah, we're the greatest generation! What a fun day.
I lost $300 in business, but it was worth it.
It was so fun hanging out with you at the mall during school hours.
I didn't have to worry about the popular girls knowing I have a father.
And I got candy.
Good-bye, gummy giraffe.
Good-bye, gummy shark.
Good-bye, gummy vitamin C? Yuck.
Sorry, honey, I can't make our anniversary dinner.
I'm really sick.
I'm cured, and I want a divorce! Thanks for buying me this book, Dad.
You know how much I love to read.
And you're totally rocking that shirt.
The lady at the store said it's designed by Jimmy Buffett.
A parrot golfing? What a mind.
I'm hungry.
What's for dinner? Something fun? Let's see what Mom left us.
Green beans, spinach casserole, and low-sodium Tofurky.
Such an uncool meal.
- Yay! - Yes! How dare you cancel our anniversary dinner? Now what am I supposed to eat? Divorce granted.
Okay, everybody grab something and throw it in this bowl.
- Frankfurters.
- Bologna.
- Various cheeses.
- Jalapeños.
You know me.
I'm going spaghetti.
Stir it up, little darlin' Stir it up Cook it up, little darlin' Cook it up I present to you Francheezy! Francheezy! Francheezy! I'm not just saying this to get things out of you anymore, but you're pretty cool.
- Cool Daddy.
- Thank you, Francheezy.
Before these shoes, we could never agitate these bees.
Hey, Yangzi, notice anything different about us? - Yeah, your shoes are fake.
- What are you talking about? The stitching is crooked, the shade is off, the soles are misshapen, there's a pilgrim buckle across the top, and that ain't Michael Jordan.
It is impish man-boy James Corden.
Ugh, I can't believe we didn't notice - those five obvious things.
- Oh, Air Cordens? Hmm.
Over 18 inches from the curb, no plates, parked the wrong way? Oh, Annie, you are the luckiest of ducks.
What in Hickory Hill? A dead body my first crime scene! This is my shot at finally making detective.
I'm gonna ask you one last time - gum? - No, thanks, I'm diabetic.
You son of a bitch! Admit it! You killed him, and you put him in the trunk of your car.
It wasn't me! I swear! - I didn't kill any fat guy.
- I never said it was a fat guy.
Take him to the electric chair and hang him! Lady, you are a hell of a detective.
Aren't you dead yet? Hmm.
All right, we'll take it from here.
But I found the body.
I'm the lead on this.
We gotta dust for prints, collect fibers, get hollered at by a captain who's been pressured by the mayor because it's an election year.
Sorry, your jurisdiction ends at the windshield, meter maid.
This is so un fair! What those detectives did to you stinks, honey, but the important thing is, you made your quota, and the girls definitely went to school yesterday.
Quota shmota.
That dead body was the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
Now every time I see a corpse, I'm just gonna feel bad.
I had a bad day too.
The school's out of cash, that pop-up sold us all fake sneakers, and I got stung by a bunch of bees for absolutely no reason.
Fake sneakers? Have you told the police? No, I'm no snitch.
Good, the cops will just steal your dream and call you a meter maid.
We have to fight back, Dunkie.
No way! I've got important work to do.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, this is brilliant.
You and I will go undercover, bust that fake shoe ring, and prove to those detectives that I am every inch the dick that they are.
Just let it go, Mom.
Somebody's gotta be the victim.
I say why not us? Night-night.
Come on, Duncan, you and I are Tango and Cash-ing it.
And, Jack, you're Mr.
Mom-ing it again.
Don't worry.
Cool Dad's got this.
Hey, there's my breakfast club.
Francheezy dance! My tummy feels angry.
You poisoned us with your stupid Francheezy.
It can't be the Francheezy.
I ate twice as much as you, and I feel Is it hot in here? Step one: we go back to the scene of the crime posing as ordinary customers looking to buy shoes.
When they sell us fakes blammo - I blow their heads off - What? With the news that they're under arrest, and I get promoted to detective.
Now, do you wanna do this or not? I already said I don't wanna do this.
Here we go.
Follow my lead.
Don't say anything stupid.
Hello, I'm silent movie star Lolita St.
Clair, and this is my 6'8" NBA all-star paramour, - Harold Hoops.
- Oh, my God.
Bring us your finest Air Jordans.
Douglas Fairbanks has a pair, and he says they're 22 skidoo.
The sneaker pop-up closed yesterday.
We're now a St.
Paddy's Day pop-up.
Sorry, forgot to turn on the lights.
Well, we did everything we could.
- See you around, Mom.
- No.
Somebody in this neighborhood must have seen something.
Hmm? Hmm.
But whose camera is it? Hmm.
A strip club? Yeah, Mom, come on! - You 21? - Of course.
I'm NBA all-star Harold Hoops, and this is some old, dead movie star.
That's the spirit, Dunkie.
Huh? Hey.
Hey, Mom, can I borrow $100 for school? Don't be fooled, Duncan.
These girls are not in love with you, so get that out of your head right now.
They're working women just like your mom.
I'm naked, you lucky duck! Hmm.
Okay, here we go.
There you are.
Huh, wha your posture is so terrible.
I paid all that money for a back brace.
You're not even wearing it.
It makes my back straight and uncomfortable.
Ooh, a white van: the chariot of creeps.
Duncan, you know computers.
Zoom in! Ugh! Of course, the docks.
Come on, Duncan, it's stakeout time.
Duncan? No, no, the work you're doing here is so important, you know? The country's so divided.
Okay, thank you for your service, and God bless America.
- Ugh.
- Who needs the Pepto? Me.
I think I speak for everyone when I say there's nothing cool about this moment, but do you remember how much fun yesterday was? Totally worth it, right guys? We're dying, Daddy.
Why didn't you just take us to school? I think the worst is over.
Nope, just the eye of the storm.
I'm gonna be sick again.
Let's see here.
There's three of us and only two bathrooms, so bye! - Out of my way - Oh, no, you don't.
Ow, my tail! - Ugh, no, no - Made it.
- Hey! - Oh.
Didn't make it.
Mine! You're too young to remember this.
- Oh, God, I hate myself.
- Daddy! Ah, the docks.
All the worst crimes in the world happen here.
Elephant tusks! Get your elephant tusks! Serve no purpose at all elephant tusks! I'll take three.
Should we report that to somebody? No time.
We have one goal make me a detective.
I thought we were trying to get my money back.
Shh, there's the sneaker guy's van.
- Now we wait till he returns.
- Ugh, how long? As long as it takes.
Every good detective needs patience.
Ugh, come on, come on, come on! Come on, come on! Crime, where are you? Hey, lady, it's after 10:00 p.
! Some people.
Okay, kids, Amazon app is open, and it's time for me to buy your love.
Fill the cart with whatever you want.
I'm too weak to point.
Whoa, a Barbie Dreamhouse.
Does it have three bathrooms? Come on.
I wanna be cool again! Sorry, neither you nor your actions are cool.
Ooh, a copper mug, perfect for Moscow mules.
That's right.
I'll let you drink! - Stop! - No! So, Dunkie, what are your favorite drugs these days? Mom, stop caring about my well-being! What? I'm just making conversation.
An amateur police stakeout is a good time to talk.
Don't think of us as mother and son.
We're partners.
- Okay, can I ask you something? - Absolutely, partner.
How come you don't kiss Dad on the mouth anymore? What? Uh okay.
E-Every marriage has ebbs and flows.
Um, right now, your father and I are in a bit of a Oh, thank God, crime.
Ugh, damn docks! Maybe you're right, Duncan.
Having dreams just sets you up for disappointment.
Aw, Mom, such a great way to put it.
Cheap, lady car tires for sale! - Get your cheap, lady car tires! - Four, please.
You know what might make this cereal fun? - We add a little - No.
- I was gonna say milk.
- Dry is fine.
- Mom! - Mommy! Dad tried to kill us.
Do you have a hookup at Child Services? I just made a fun dinner, and every ingredient was expired, so they got a little tummy ache.
Daddy locked me out of the bathroom, and I pooped in the hallway! She's kidding! Do not go in the hallway.
Oh, what does it matter? Poop wherever you want.
Oh, you're throwing out your detective novels and your detective DVDs, but you haven't told me how it went being a detective.
The dream is over, Jack.
I don't deserve to be a detective.
I don't deserve to be in law enforcement at all.
Finally, now I can get back to my passion! Okay, where was I? Come on, let's all trudge sadly up to bed.
You heard me.
This is so unfair.
Mm? Ooh! Oh.
Go to her, Duncan.
I'll always be here.
W Mom, wait.
The van just went by.
That's nice.
Good night.
No, I'm not gonna let you give up on your stupid dream.
Now, get in the car, and let's be dicks partner.
Ow! Here you go.
Oh, Dunkie, thanks for believing in me.
- Let's roll! - Wait for us.
Ah-ah, you can't come with us, girls.
This is dangerous police business.
Not as dangerous as leaving us with Dad.
This is not a safe space.
Yeah, they're not wrong.
Please take us.
- Yes! - Okay, you drive! Don't lose 'em, Jack.
They'll take us to the kingpin! Sorry for your loss! - Cut through there! - Whoa! Whoa! Why isn't she in her car seat? You are so cool! - What the hell is this place? - It's your school, dumbass.
Come on, let's go bust this sole-less shoe ring.
Really nice pun, honey.
- Thanks.
Nice driving.
- Mwah.
- Gross.
- No, it's good.
They're flowing now.
Yeah, that'll work.
Hmm? - Stand back.
I'm kicking it in.
- It's unlocked.
Don't care.
Help Mommy, kids.
Freeze! - What the Mr.
Mitch? - What up? Wait, y-you're behind the bogus shoe drop? - You stole money from the kids? - Not from the kids.
- For the kids.
- I don't follow.
A kilo of theater tickets? These are to Hamilton.
The New York Times called it a hip-hopera.
With the school cutting funds, I figured kids would waste money on stuff like sneakers and video games but not on education.
That's where the lotto money's supposed to go.
Yeah, right.
Anyway, I want the students to be exposed to culture so maybe they'd get inspired and wanna blow this dead-end town someday.
Yeah, I wasted my whole life here.
So I worked out this plan with a friend.
Coach Walters? What are all these girls doin' here? Who's at home cooking? I appreciate your concern for the kids, Mr.
Mitch, but you're still guilty of sneaker fraud - and being friends with a misogynist.
- Yeah But, Mom, he did it for his dream, a school where all the kids are super-culturated.
Why do I even bother? You're not innocent either, Mom.
- You took me to a strip club.
- What? I was supposed to take Duncan to his first strip club! Hmm, well I guess part of being a good detective is looking the other way when someone commits a crime that benefits your children.
- Just don't do it again.
- You have my word, Duncan's Mom.
What $50 Nintendo drop? - I need my birthday money early.
- No! - Here you go.
- Already touched it! That's the rules.
It's mine now.
To the pop-up! Hello, Dolly! is comin' to town.
You gotta stop fronting him birthday money.
Happy 36th birthday, son! So what'd you think? Life-changing, right? It was fine.
Sneakers would have been better.
And why was Hamilton played by Drew Carey? - It's a touring company.
- I'll say.
Duncan, you look like you enjoyed the show.
Well, yeah.
I had my best friend with me.
Diggin' the beard, Beardy Billy.
Digging yours as well, Mr.
Man, Hamilton scrambled my brain.
Duncan, if I asked, - would you kill for me? - Oh, crap! I gave you evil eyebrows! Noooooo!
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