Duncanville (2020) s01e04 Episode Script
Witch Day
1
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
[laughs.]
Ooh! [growls.]
- Mommy! - Raaaah! - Duncan! - Duncan! [cheerful music.]
♪ [cat meows.]
♪ The carnies have arrived! Lock up your pretty much everything! Carnies have the life.
- Travel, neck tats, no showering.
- Dream job.
Wolf, that guy looks exactly like you.
Could that be your dad? No, my mom said he had no ambition and never wanted to do anything with his life.
That guy's a carnie.
Dots don't connect.
There she is.
Devil's Wheel.
My beautiful nemesis.
I've thrown up on every ride at this fair but that one.
- This is my year.
- You'll do it, Bex.
Remember, if you don't barf all over the place, the witches will have been killed in vain.
♪ That's how I wanna go.
Oopsie.
I just love the pageantry of Witch Day.
100% historically accurate.
When I grow up, can I be a witch like Kimberly? I'm not a witch.
I'm a bitch.
Ugh, Kimberly! Just another Witch Day secret I have to write down.
Oh, you can't be a witch, Jing.
- Then we'd have to kill you.
- [giggles.]
Witch Day is about fanatically rooting out evil inside ourselves and killing it.
That's why every year we write down our deepest, darkest secret.
Then we take the secret, we put it in an envelope, and we stuff it into the witch's heart at the festival where the town virgin will burn them all, purging us of evil until next year.
And there's a carnival where you can win a back scratcher! Mmm, almost feels good.
My Witch Day secret is complete.
It's the deepest and darkest yet.
Is it that you once used PVC instead of copper piping? I told you that in confidence.
- I'm so ashamed.
- I'm done.
- You flunked what? - English.
Ugh, can't you read? Mom, you promised when I turned 12, I could do two things shave my legs and go to Witch Day alone.
- Remember? - Did I say that? - Hmm, I don't remember - I already shaved my legs! [gasps.]
Dunkie, get me the iodine! If you don't let me go to Witch Day alone and treat me like a grown-up, I swear I'll run away! I'll help you pack! What's so important that you need to go - to the festival alone? - Nothing special.
[hums.]
[gasps.]
Hey.
- [gasps.]
- Kimberly! Come on, let's go bob for apples in the children's tent.
Good thing you still look like a little kid.
A little kid, a little kid, a little kid I don't want to grow up afraid of the world.
I wanna be a strong, fearless, independent woman like you, Mom.
Really? Oh! If you only knew how much I love to hear things like that.
- If only.
- All right, you can go by yourself.
- Both: Mmm! - Thanks, Mom! Just when you think you're not making an impression on your kids, you find out you're their hero.
- That's not exactly - Hero.
[phone rings.]
Jack's Plumbing.
Ask about our Witch Day Septic Tank Cleanout.
What? Oh dear.
Are you absolutely sure? - Thanks for letting us know.
- Letting us know what? - Mrs.
Martin died.
- Oh, that's so sad.
Now we have a shot at winning the Witch Day Chili Cook-off! - [scats.]
- Whoo-hoo! She won the last ten years! Oh, this is the best day of my life! Ooh, I need a new secret.
Last year I wished that Mrs.
Martin would die, and then she did! - [scats.]
- [cheers, laughs.]
Okay, here's the plan.
We go in, we do a little mourning, we lament how short life is, we grab Mrs.
Martin's chili recipe so we can win the cook-off, and we're out.
No small talk.
Got it? Yes, but it is unseasonably warm today, isn't it? Hello.
Welcome to Mother's mourning.
I'm Hans.
Come in.
Hello, I'm Greta.
Are those cookies? Yes, I'll put them in the kitchen.
No, we eat our grief, also our happiness.
Yeah, all our feelings.
[munching.]
We've got about three minutes to find that recipe.
Gold-plated goodness, those chili trophies are beautiful! - Why don't we just take one? - No, Jack.
We have to earn it by stealing her recipe.
[grunts.]
God, you're so sexy when you're ransacking.
Ugh! Quick, lift me up! Cupboards left to right! Faberge egg, Babe Ruth's glove, the rest of the Zapruder film? All worthless! [gasps.]
Her recipe box! [gasps.]
This is it.
The chili recipe! "Lure two healthy children with candy and cake.
" Wait, this is a recipe for cooking children.
Should we alert the authorities? Eh, she's dead.
What's done is done.
[gasps.]
The recipe is not here, Jack.
I know we agreed to no small talk, Annie, but it bears repeating, it is unseasonably warm in here.
Maybe she's got a popsicle.
Darn it, only lime, orange, lemon, grape, strawberry, cherry, and passion fruit.
- No guava! - [gasps.]
Is that what I think it is? It is.
It's the chili! I'll have to wait till it defrosts.
All right, now we just have to exit coolly.
[grunts.]
- [shivering.]
Sorry for your loss.
- So sad.
- I told you Mother was going to eat us.
- [gasps.]
We were right to kill her.
Oh, yeah.
You bet your sweet bippy.
[school bell rings.]
"The logs and the kindling were laid on the pyre to set witches ablaze on a righteous fire.
" There's the witch, there's the angry mob.
Oh, and there's the moon! Take that, witches.
I know I moved here 364 days ago and this is my first Witch Day, but you guys know there were no witches, right? Yeah, because we got rid of 'em all.
This holiday actually celebrates a dark chapter in the town's history where, when anything bad happened, like crops failing or disease, it was just easier to pin it on a witch because it gave them someone to blame for things they didn't understand.
I don't understand.
Witch! This is exactly what I'm talking about.
"Witch" was a label for anyone who was different.
Labels are dangerous because they stick with you even if they're not true.
What do you know about labels, Nose Ring? And last week the principal accused Wolf of stealing all the fish sticks from the cafeteria, then everyone called him Cod Goblin.
- That hurt.
- My bad.
I came up with Cod Goblin.
What if we had burned Wolf at the stake, only to find out he was wrongfully accused? Stuff like this is gonna change when Kim Kardashian becomes an attorney.
Mr.
Mitch, you believe in witches, right? I believe in paid holidays and three day weekends, and this one delivers on both, so yeah, I'm a believer.
[school bell rings.]
Happy Witch Day! [all cheer.]
[sighs.]
[both slurp.]
[gargle.]
I'm getting notes of beef.
Maybe a rooted vegetable.
Carrot? Turnip? No, rutabaga! There's just one more ingredient I can't place.
It's on the tip of my tongue.
Mommy, can I have some chili? Sorry, honey, this chili is not for dinner.
We're just trying to figure out what's in it.
Smells like [sniffs.]
- truffles.
- Both: Truffles! Annie, where do we get truffles? - I smelled them in the woods.
- Why were you in the woods? Mrs.
Martin lured me there with candy.
But then two adult-sized babies put a sack over her head and clubbed her, so I ran away.
Honey, shouldn't we alert the authorities? She's dead.
What's done is done.
Everybody give it up for Mayor Jen! [all cheer.]
What's up, witches? [all cheer.]
All right, people.
Now for the one who lights everyone's fire, our longest serving town virgin.
Give it up, because she never has, Alice! - Hi.
- [all gasp.]
What the hell's wrong with her stomach? She has a baby in there.
Immaculate deception! She's pregnant! - No, I'm not! - Oh, please.
Come on, that sash isn't kicking itself.
You, my dear, are with child.
[all boo.]
Okay, fine! I met someone! I'm the happiest I've ever been! [all boo.]
This will not define my term, people! - Ugh.
- All right, don't worry.
We've prepared for this.
All of the eligible virgins in town have submitted their names.
We're okay.
[laughter.]
Who would be stupid enough to put their name in that? Duncan Harris is the new town virgin! What happened? Oh, you just got screwed, but not the good kind.
All: Virgin! Virgin! Virgin! My son, the town virgin.
What an honor.
Every mother's dream.
Ugh, why was my name even in there? I submit it every year.
I want the whole town to know that I raised a confident young man who still has his flower.
How do you even know that I still have my flower? [laughter.]
This is gonna make you so popular, Dunkie.
Take it from me, girls love virgin guys.
They know they're safe with you.
- This is humiliating.
- What are you talking about? You're a celebrity.
You're gonna light that witch on fire and everyone's gonna be shouting your name, - "Virgin! Virgin!" - [groans.]
- That's not my name! - It is now.
I just changed your birth certificate online.
[groans loudly.]
- Are you sure, Jing? - Positive.
I smelled the truffles right around here.
You gotta be sure.
[sniffs.]
Oh yeah.
[gibberish, grunting.]
Oh, she's on to something, Jack! - Unleash her! - Yeah! [pants.]
Couldn't we have just gone to Whole Foods? Yeah, but look at how much fun she's having.
[sniffs.]
[pig grunts.]
[yells.]
[pig squeals.]
[sniffs.]
Got it! That'll do, Jing.
That'll do.
Well, guess who we're having for dinner? [pig squeals.]
[indistinct chatter.]
[hip-hop music playing.]
Cumin? Really? - No, well, those are decoy ingredients.
- Hmm.
Okay, Jack, put in two heaping scoops of cumin.
Put that down! I'm acting! You're so talented! I believed it.
It's gonna be a little while until these dogs are barking.
- The secret is, I let 'em thaw out.
- I can wait.
You haven't put the mustard out? Did you bring mustard this year? You have to have mustard! Oh, thank God.
He loves mustard.
You were right, Mia.
Labels are wrong.
I don't want to be Duncan the Virgin for 20 years, and then wind up living in a shack in the woods, with kids daring each other to run up and touch my front door.
I think there's a way I can fix your problem.
Really? We could, uh, do it and then tell the whole town how amazing it was? - What? No.
- All right, fine.
I'll tell the whole town how amazing it was.
Just stop.
If we steal the witch, they can't have their horrible festival, and then they won't need a virgin.
But if they cancel the festival, I can't have funnel cake! Do you wanna have funnel cake or be the laughingstock of the town? Oh, you know I want funnel cake! Fine, you can have some funnel cake - and then we steal the witch.
- Yay! I think this is gonna work.
[grunts.]
This is brilliant.
Now if the town finds another virgin to set the witch on fire, it'll be me! [chuckles.]
Aw, Bex, you didn't think this through.
[hums languidly.]
- [snoring.]
- Okay, witch, bury my secret forever.
[both yell.]
The witch is gone! What kinda evil person would steal a witch? - A witch! - Without our effigy, Witch Day can't officially begin, can it? Nope.
No chili cook-off, close the corndog booth, shut down the Devil's Wheel.
Shut it all down! - [gasps.]
My chili! - My witch mix! My Mustard Boy! If I don't burn something, I'm gonna lose my mind! [all yell.]
We can't let a witch stealer steal our soon-to-be-award-winning chili thunder! Young man, if you do not tell me where the real witch is, I swear I will light you on fire.
- Mrs.
Harris, it's me, Bex! - Oh, Bex! If you don't tell me where the real witch is, I swear I will light you on fire.
It was Duncan! I don't know where they went! - Mommy! - Ah! So many stairs! All right, Jing.
Go find your brother.
[sniffs.]
He's that way! - [all clamoring.]
- We've got to find him! Clean getaway.
I wiped our tracks away with a tree branch and peed on several bushes to throw them off the trail.
This isn't my first getaway.
Okay, Mia, what's the next part of the plan? Just wait it out until the town finds something new to be mad about.
[phones chime.]
"Oakdale Witch Kidnapped by New Town Virgin.
Angry Mob Vows To Be Mad For Rest of Lives.
" This town has some real anger issues.
I hate it so much! Oh, my God.
I have to move.
Hey, they mentioned us too.
They ranked us in order of probable virginity.
You won't believe who number three is.
- Is it me? - Yes.
We can never go back.
We have to start a new life here.
A new society, like after a zombie apocalypse.
[moaning.]
- [grunting.]
- Stab, dead! Yeah! You're the sexiest zombie slayer alive, Duncan.
Tell me something I don't know, hot girl who sees the good man beneath my dark side.
[zombies moaning.]
Oh, no, Duncan, you've been bit.
Yeah, we'd better make out quick before your flesh falls off and you eat my brains.
With pleazh.
[knocking at door.]
- Duncan, somebody's trying to get in! - Zombies? It's your hot mom and that guy she's too good for.
- Dunkie! Open up! - You're not in trouble, son! Witch Day is a barbaric tradition - and we're proud of you! - It's time somebody ended it! Oh, thank God, we were worried sick about the chili cook-off being cancelled.
Cuff him, Jack-o.
Again, your acting is is simply amazing.
- Good work.
- Mmm! Mm Sorry, Duncan, this nose is my greatest strength and my greatest weakness.
- Take him away, Jack-o.
- We got the witch! And the virgin! Witch Day is back on! [panting.]
Duncan! The whole town's oh, never mind.
You know.
[all cheering.]
Ugh, how could you do this to me? Someday when you have kids of your own and you really wanna win a chili competition, then you'll understand.
- All right! - Whoo-hoo! We did it! Witch Day is back on! [all cheer.]
All: For he's a jolly good virgin ♪ For he's a jolly good virgin ♪ For he's a jolly good virgin ♪ Who everyone has denied ♪ - Do your duty, Duncan.
- All: Virgin! Virgin! - Virgin! Virgin! - He'll be our virgin forever! - Forever! - [gasps.]
Oh, poor Duncan! This is horrible.
I'll have no grandchildren.
Oh, no, Jack.
What have we done? You're accusing me of being a virgin, and your accusations are correct, but what about all the people with false accusations that were burned? Witch Day is wrong.
I can't remember all the reasons why, but Mia can tell you.
No, we love our misguided beliefs! Don't you try to enlighten us! We love being dumb and burning stuff! Then maybe it's time you got burned.
I'm gonna read your darkest secrets.
- He's bluffing! - Yeah, and he's a terrible reader.
I'm his teacher, so that's on me.
Okay, dark secret number one, "I wear a blue baseball cap to hide the fact that I am balding.
" - [all gasp.]
- That could be anybody! Dark secret number two, "I don't really believe in witches.
"I just like three-day weekends to get baked and work on my music.
" Damn! Hey, that dude's bald! Everyone look at him! Dark secret number three, "I cheated on my spouse with " - All: Stop! - For the love of God, give him what he wants! I'll tell you what I want.
What do I want, Mia? - You want to cancel Witch Day, right? - Um, yeah, sure.
I mean it is a horrible tradition, but this is my first one and it actually looks kinda fun.
I didn't know there would be rides and games.
Is that a standing roller coaster? I have always wanted to try one.
Make up your mind, girl.
Are we outraged or not? It affects my setlist.
Okay, what about a compromise? Have a fun Witch Day, but also set up an information booth that tells the story - of the town's barbaric witch burnings.
- Information booth? I don't know if the taxpayers will go for it.
"I asked a foreign government to dig up dirt on " Booth approved! And I am not gonna be the town virgin or burn the witch.
Ah! Ugh! Dunkie's on fire! We need some sort of liquid to put him out! Use your chili to save Duncan! Of course, our sure-to-win-first-place chili! Are we hesitating? No! Hey, is that a rain cloud? - Throw it! - Okay! Ow, ow, ow.
[yelling.]
We're sorry we let our competitive nature cloud our judgment.
Winning means nothing if something happened to you.
Are you the people that splashed all over me? - Yeah, sorry about that.
- Don't be.
It's so good, I ate down to my bone.
And the winner is Annie and Jack Harris! [cheers, scattered boos.]
Look at her, Jack.
When I die, I want my ashes in there.
- You got it, baby! - Mommy's gonna live in there someday.
We're proud of you, Dunker.
Standing up for Mia's beliefs.
You may still be a virgin, but today you became a man.
I'm proud of you too.
You stole that dead woman's chili and you made it your own.
[cheering, screaming.]
[chuckling.]
[groans.]
- [both yelling.]
- Slide.
You got this, Bex.
- [retches.]
- Yeah! Victory! [retches.]
My filling! Both: Nice.
[chill music playing.]
You can buy one CD for five, two for five, or three for five - Nah, I'm good.
- Get your bald ass outta here.
Women were unfairly branded witches due to viral outbreaks, bad weather, poor harvests, all exacerbated by their economic status.
So to answer your question, the bathroom's over there.
Well, you know what they say, movements take time.
I read that on one of your T-shirts once.
Wanna ride the Ferris wheel? Yes! I mean, I dunno.
Sure.
Fresh batch of dogs.
Woof-woof.
Hey, sorry I said I was gonna kill and eat you.
You gotta know by now it was an idle threat.
You know that's pork.
[both laugh.]
You are one freaky little pig.
Guess he's not gonna show.
[sighs.]
One, please.
♪ You came back! Hey, I was hoping I'd see you again.
I've been thinking of you since last Witch Day.
- You have? - Ow! My eyes! - It burns! It burns! - I'll wash it out! Ow, oh! You're killing me! I'm so sorry! See you next year! Mom! [laughter, cheers.]
♪ [witch cackles.]
Congratulations on your chili trophy.
- What? - [gasps.]
Mrs.
Martin! You stole my chili.
Now I'm gonna steal your children.
[cackles.]
Oh, was that a dream? [whispers.]
I don't know.
Do people share dreams? [haunting moaning.]
[snoring.]
- She's back, and she eats children! - Ah! [haunting moaning.]
[thuds.]
And that's why we witch-proof!
Ooh! [growls.]
- Mommy! - Raaaah! - Duncan! - Duncan! [cheerful music.]
♪ [cat meows.]
♪ The carnies have arrived! Lock up your pretty much everything! Carnies have the life.
- Travel, neck tats, no showering.
- Dream job.
Wolf, that guy looks exactly like you.
Could that be your dad? No, my mom said he had no ambition and never wanted to do anything with his life.
That guy's a carnie.
Dots don't connect.
There she is.
Devil's Wheel.
My beautiful nemesis.
I've thrown up on every ride at this fair but that one.
- This is my year.
- You'll do it, Bex.
Remember, if you don't barf all over the place, the witches will have been killed in vain.
♪ That's how I wanna go.
Oopsie.
I just love the pageantry of Witch Day.
100% historically accurate.
When I grow up, can I be a witch like Kimberly? I'm not a witch.
I'm a bitch.
Ugh, Kimberly! Just another Witch Day secret I have to write down.
Oh, you can't be a witch, Jing.
- Then we'd have to kill you.
- [giggles.]
Witch Day is about fanatically rooting out evil inside ourselves and killing it.
That's why every year we write down our deepest, darkest secret.
Then we take the secret, we put it in an envelope, and we stuff it into the witch's heart at the festival where the town virgin will burn them all, purging us of evil until next year.
And there's a carnival where you can win a back scratcher! Mmm, almost feels good.
My Witch Day secret is complete.
It's the deepest and darkest yet.
Is it that you once used PVC instead of copper piping? I told you that in confidence.
- I'm so ashamed.
- I'm done.
- You flunked what? - English.
Ugh, can't you read? Mom, you promised when I turned 12, I could do two things shave my legs and go to Witch Day alone.
- Remember? - Did I say that? - Hmm, I don't remember - I already shaved my legs! [gasps.]
Dunkie, get me the iodine! If you don't let me go to Witch Day alone and treat me like a grown-up, I swear I'll run away! I'll help you pack! What's so important that you need to go - to the festival alone? - Nothing special.
[hums.]
[gasps.]
Hey.
- [gasps.]
- Kimberly! Come on, let's go bob for apples in the children's tent.
Good thing you still look like a little kid.
A little kid, a little kid, a little kid I don't want to grow up afraid of the world.
I wanna be a strong, fearless, independent woman like you, Mom.
Really? Oh! If you only knew how much I love to hear things like that.
- If only.
- All right, you can go by yourself.
- Both: Mmm! - Thanks, Mom! Just when you think you're not making an impression on your kids, you find out you're their hero.
- That's not exactly - Hero.
[phone rings.]
Jack's Plumbing.
Ask about our Witch Day Septic Tank Cleanout.
What? Oh dear.
Are you absolutely sure? - Thanks for letting us know.
- Letting us know what? - Mrs.
Martin died.
- Oh, that's so sad.
Now we have a shot at winning the Witch Day Chili Cook-off! - [scats.]
- Whoo-hoo! She won the last ten years! Oh, this is the best day of my life! Ooh, I need a new secret.
Last year I wished that Mrs.
Martin would die, and then she did! - [scats.]
- [cheers, laughs.]
Okay, here's the plan.
We go in, we do a little mourning, we lament how short life is, we grab Mrs.
Martin's chili recipe so we can win the cook-off, and we're out.
No small talk.
Got it? Yes, but it is unseasonably warm today, isn't it? Hello.
Welcome to Mother's mourning.
I'm Hans.
Come in.
Hello, I'm Greta.
Are those cookies? Yes, I'll put them in the kitchen.
No, we eat our grief, also our happiness.
Yeah, all our feelings.
[munching.]
We've got about three minutes to find that recipe.
Gold-plated goodness, those chili trophies are beautiful! - Why don't we just take one? - No, Jack.
We have to earn it by stealing her recipe.
[grunts.]
God, you're so sexy when you're ransacking.
Ugh! Quick, lift me up! Cupboards left to right! Faberge egg, Babe Ruth's glove, the rest of the Zapruder film? All worthless! [gasps.]
Her recipe box! [gasps.]
This is it.
The chili recipe! "Lure two healthy children with candy and cake.
" Wait, this is a recipe for cooking children.
Should we alert the authorities? Eh, she's dead.
What's done is done.
[gasps.]
The recipe is not here, Jack.
I know we agreed to no small talk, Annie, but it bears repeating, it is unseasonably warm in here.
Maybe she's got a popsicle.
Darn it, only lime, orange, lemon, grape, strawberry, cherry, and passion fruit.
- No guava! - [gasps.]
Is that what I think it is? It is.
It's the chili! I'll have to wait till it defrosts.
All right, now we just have to exit coolly.
[grunts.]
- [shivering.]
Sorry for your loss.
- So sad.
- I told you Mother was going to eat us.
- [gasps.]
We were right to kill her.
Oh, yeah.
You bet your sweet bippy.
[school bell rings.]
"The logs and the kindling were laid on the pyre to set witches ablaze on a righteous fire.
" There's the witch, there's the angry mob.
Oh, and there's the moon! Take that, witches.
I know I moved here 364 days ago and this is my first Witch Day, but you guys know there were no witches, right? Yeah, because we got rid of 'em all.
This holiday actually celebrates a dark chapter in the town's history where, when anything bad happened, like crops failing or disease, it was just easier to pin it on a witch because it gave them someone to blame for things they didn't understand.
I don't understand.
Witch! This is exactly what I'm talking about.
"Witch" was a label for anyone who was different.
Labels are dangerous because they stick with you even if they're not true.
What do you know about labels, Nose Ring? And last week the principal accused Wolf of stealing all the fish sticks from the cafeteria, then everyone called him Cod Goblin.
- That hurt.
- My bad.
I came up with Cod Goblin.
What if we had burned Wolf at the stake, only to find out he was wrongfully accused? Stuff like this is gonna change when Kim Kardashian becomes an attorney.
Mr.
Mitch, you believe in witches, right? I believe in paid holidays and three day weekends, and this one delivers on both, so yeah, I'm a believer.
[school bell rings.]
Happy Witch Day! [all cheer.]
[sighs.]
[both slurp.]
[gargle.]
I'm getting notes of beef.
Maybe a rooted vegetable.
Carrot? Turnip? No, rutabaga! There's just one more ingredient I can't place.
It's on the tip of my tongue.
Mommy, can I have some chili? Sorry, honey, this chili is not for dinner.
We're just trying to figure out what's in it.
Smells like [sniffs.]
- truffles.
- Both: Truffles! Annie, where do we get truffles? - I smelled them in the woods.
- Why were you in the woods? Mrs.
Martin lured me there with candy.
But then two adult-sized babies put a sack over her head and clubbed her, so I ran away.
Honey, shouldn't we alert the authorities? She's dead.
What's done is done.
Everybody give it up for Mayor Jen! [all cheer.]
What's up, witches? [all cheer.]
All right, people.
Now for the one who lights everyone's fire, our longest serving town virgin.
Give it up, because she never has, Alice! - Hi.
- [all gasp.]
What the hell's wrong with her stomach? She has a baby in there.
Immaculate deception! She's pregnant! - No, I'm not! - Oh, please.
Come on, that sash isn't kicking itself.
You, my dear, are with child.
[all boo.]
Okay, fine! I met someone! I'm the happiest I've ever been! [all boo.]
This will not define my term, people! - Ugh.
- All right, don't worry.
We've prepared for this.
All of the eligible virgins in town have submitted their names.
We're okay.
[laughter.]
Who would be stupid enough to put their name in that? Duncan Harris is the new town virgin! What happened? Oh, you just got screwed, but not the good kind.
All: Virgin! Virgin! Virgin! My son, the town virgin.
What an honor.
Every mother's dream.
Ugh, why was my name even in there? I submit it every year.
I want the whole town to know that I raised a confident young man who still has his flower.
How do you even know that I still have my flower? [laughter.]
This is gonna make you so popular, Dunkie.
Take it from me, girls love virgin guys.
They know they're safe with you.
- This is humiliating.
- What are you talking about? You're a celebrity.
You're gonna light that witch on fire and everyone's gonna be shouting your name, - "Virgin! Virgin!" - [groans.]
- That's not my name! - It is now.
I just changed your birth certificate online.
[groans loudly.]
- Are you sure, Jing? - Positive.
I smelled the truffles right around here.
You gotta be sure.
[sniffs.]
Oh yeah.
[gibberish, grunting.]
Oh, she's on to something, Jack! - Unleash her! - Yeah! [pants.]
Couldn't we have just gone to Whole Foods? Yeah, but look at how much fun she's having.
[sniffs.]
[pig grunts.]
[yells.]
[pig squeals.]
[sniffs.]
Got it! That'll do, Jing.
That'll do.
Well, guess who we're having for dinner? [pig squeals.]
[indistinct chatter.]
[hip-hop music playing.]
Cumin? Really? - No, well, those are decoy ingredients.
- Hmm.
Okay, Jack, put in two heaping scoops of cumin.
Put that down! I'm acting! You're so talented! I believed it.
It's gonna be a little while until these dogs are barking.
- The secret is, I let 'em thaw out.
- I can wait.
You haven't put the mustard out? Did you bring mustard this year? You have to have mustard! Oh, thank God.
He loves mustard.
You were right, Mia.
Labels are wrong.
I don't want to be Duncan the Virgin for 20 years, and then wind up living in a shack in the woods, with kids daring each other to run up and touch my front door.
I think there's a way I can fix your problem.
Really? We could, uh, do it and then tell the whole town how amazing it was? - What? No.
- All right, fine.
I'll tell the whole town how amazing it was.
Just stop.
If we steal the witch, they can't have their horrible festival, and then they won't need a virgin.
But if they cancel the festival, I can't have funnel cake! Do you wanna have funnel cake or be the laughingstock of the town? Oh, you know I want funnel cake! Fine, you can have some funnel cake - and then we steal the witch.
- Yay! I think this is gonna work.
[grunts.]
This is brilliant.
Now if the town finds another virgin to set the witch on fire, it'll be me! [chuckles.]
Aw, Bex, you didn't think this through.
[hums languidly.]
- [snoring.]
- Okay, witch, bury my secret forever.
[both yell.]
The witch is gone! What kinda evil person would steal a witch? - A witch! - Without our effigy, Witch Day can't officially begin, can it? Nope.
No chili cook-off, close the corndog booth, shut down the Devil's Wheel.
Shut it all down! - [gasps.]
My chili! - My witch mix! My Mustard Boy! If I don't burn something, I'm gonna lose my mind! [all yell.]
We can't let a witch stealer steal our soon-to-be-award-winning chili thunder! Young man, if you do not tell me where the real witch is, I swear I will light you on fire.
- Mrs.
Harris, it's me, Bex! - Oh, Bex! If you don't tell me where the real witch is, I swear I will light you on fire.
It was Duncan! I don't know where they went! - Mommy! - Ah! So many stairs! All right, Jing.
Go find your brother.
[sniffs.]
He's that way! - [all clamoring.]
- We've got to find him! Clean getaway.
I wiped our tracks away with a tree branch and peed on several bushes to throw them off the trail.
This isn't my first getaway.
Okay, Mia, what's the next part of the plan? Just wait it out until the town finds something new to be mad about.
[phones chime.]
"Oakdale Witch Kidnapped by New Town Virgin.
Angry Mob Vows To Be Mad For Rest of Lives.
" This town has some real anger issues.
I hate it so much! Oh, my God.
I have to move.
Hey, they mentioned us too.
They ranked us in order of probable virginity.
You won't believe who number three is.
- Is it me? - Yes.
We can never go back.
We have to start a new life here.
A new society, like after a zombie apocalypse.
[moaning.]
- [grunting.]
- Stab, dead! Yeah! You're the sexiest zombie slayer alive, Duncan.
Tell me something I don't know, hot girl who sees the good man beneath my dark side.
[zombies moaning.]
Oh, no, Duncan, you've been bit.
Yeah, we'd better make out quick before your flesh falls off and you eat my brains.
With pleazh.
[knocking at door.]
- Duncan, somebody's trying to get in! - Zombies? It's your hot mom and that guy she's too good for.
- Dunkie! Open up! - You're not in trouble, son! Witch Day is a barbaric tradition - and we're proud of you! - It's time somebody ended it! Oh, thank God, we were worried sick about the chili cook-off being cancelled.
Cuff him, Jack-o.
Again, your acting is is simply amazing.
- Good work.
- Mmm! Mm Sorry, Duncan, this nose is my greatest strength and my greatest weakness.
- Take him away, Jack-o.
- We got the witch! And the virgin! Witch Day is back on! [panting.]
Duncan! The whole town's oh, never mind.
You know.
[all cheering.]
Ugh, how could you do this to me? Someday when you have kids of your own and you really wanna win a chili competition, then you'll understand.
- All right! - Whoo-hoo! We did it! Witch Day is back on! [all cheer.]
All: For he's a jolly good virgin ♪ For he's a jolly good virgin ♪ For he's a jolly good virgin ♪ Who everyone has denied ♪ - Do your duty, Duncan.
- All: Virgin! Virgin! - Virgin! Virgin! - He'll be our virgin forever! - Forever! - [gasps.]
Oh, poor Duncan! This is horrible.
I'll have no grandchildren.
Oh, no, Jack.
What have we done? You're accusing me of being a virgin, and your accusations are correct, but what about all the people with false accusations that were burned? Witch Day is wrong.
I can't remember all the reasons why, but Mia can tell you.
No, we love our misguided beliefs! Don't you try to enlighten us! We love being dumb and burning stuff! Then maybe it's time you got burned.
I'm gonna read your darkest secrets.
- He's bluffing! - Yeah, and he's a terrible reader.
I'm his teacher, so that's on me.
Okay, dark secret number one, "I wear a blue baseball cap to hide the fact that I am balding.
" - [all gasp.]
- That could be anybody! Dark secret number two, "I don't really believe in witches.
"I just like three-day weekends to get baked and work on my music.
" Damn! Hey, that dude's bald! Everyone look at him! Dark secret number three, "I cheated on my spouse with " - All: Stop! - For the love of God, give him what he wants! I'll tell you what I want.
What do I want, Mia? - You want to cancel Witch Day, right? - Um, yeah, sure.
I mean it is a horrible tradition, but this is my first one and it actually looks kinda fun.
I didn't know there would be rides and games.
Is that a standing roller coaster? I have always wanted to try one.
Make up your mind, girl.
Are we outraged or not? It affects my setlist.
Okay, what about a compromise? Have a fun Witch Day, but also set up an information booth that tells the story - of the town's barbaric witch burnings.
- Information booth? I don't know if the taxpayers will go for it.
"I asked a foreign government to dig up dirt on " Booth approved! And I am not gonna be the town virgin or burn the witch.
Ah! Ugh! Dunkie's on fire! We need some sort of liquid to put him out! Use your chili to save Duncan! Of course, our sure-to-win-first-place chili! Are we hesitating? No! Hey, is that a rain cloud? - Throw it! - Okay! Ow, ow, ow.
[yelling.]
We're sorry we let our competitive nature cloud our judgment.
Winning means nothing if something happened to you.
Are you the people that splashed all over me? - Yeah, sorry about that.
- Don't be.
It's so good, I ate down to my bone.
And the winner is Annie and Jack Harris! [cheers, scattered boos.]
Look at her, Jack.
When I die, I want my ashes in there.
- You got it, baby! - Mommy's gonna live in there someday.
We're proud of you, Dunker.
Standing up for Mia's beliefs.
You may still be a virgin, but today you became a man.
I'm proud of you too.
You stole that dead woman's chili and you made it your own.
[cheering, screaming.]
[chuckling.]
[groans.]
- [both yelling.]
- Slide.
You got this, Bex.
- [retches.]
- Yeah! Victory! [retches.]
My filling! Both: Nice.
[chill music playing.]
You can buy one CD for five, two for five, or three for five - Nah, I'm good.
- Get your bald ass outta here.
Women were unfairly branded witches due to viral outbreaks, bad weather, poor harvests, all exacerbated by their economic status.
So to answer your question, the bathroom's over there.
Well, you know what they say, movements take time.
I read that on one of your T-shirts once.
Wanna ride the Ferris wheel? Yes! I mean, I dunno.
Sure.
Fresh batch of dogs.
Woof-woof.
Hey, sorry I said I was gonna kill and eat you.
You gotta know by now it was an idle threat.
You know that's pork.
[both laugh.]
You are one freaky little pig.
Guess he's not gonna show.
[sighs.]
One, please.
♪ You came back! Hey, I was hoping I'd see you again.
I've been thinking of you since last Witch Day.
- You have? - Ow! My eyes! - It burns! It burns! - I'll wash it out! Ow, oh! You're killing me! I'm so sorry! See you next year! Mom! [laughter, cheers.]
♪ [witch cackles.]
Congratulations on your chili trophy.
- What? - [gasps.]
Mrs.
Martin! You stole my chili.
Now I'm gonna steal your children.
[cackles.]
Oh, was that a dream? [whispers.]
I don't know.
Do people share dreams? [haunting moaning.]
[snoring.]
- She's back, and she eats children! - Ah! [haunting moaning.]
[thuds.]
And that's why we witch-proof!