Duncanville (2020) s01e05 Episode Script


1 Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Ooh! - Mommy! - Raaaah! - Duncan! - Duncan! Yo, don't forget your papers are due Monday about your favorite war, and don't just plagiarize Wikipedia.
- Rearrange - Every fourth word.
I'm doing the Korean War.
What wars are you guys doing? - Star.
- Storage.
- Cupcake.
- Twitter.
Nicki Minaj versus Cardi B.
Never forget.
How is this a Blue Ribbon school? Oh, it's not.
I just wrote that on the door when my girlfriend came to visit.
Okay, class dismissed.
Class dismissed! And this little piggy went "wee-wee-wee" all the way - We'll finish this tomorrow.
- Ah.
What happened? Come on! She whacked him with the ax over and over again, but he refused to die.
She dragged him into the kitchen, where he watched as she shoved his leg through a meat grinder.
Oh, my God.
Meat loaf for dinner would be amazing.
Mommy! Where were you? Drive before someone sees me.
Don't tell your teacher I told you, but the pig was going all the way home.
Good for him.
All right, let's hear about everybody's day.
Who wants to go first? Duncan? Science teacher punched a kid.
How 'bout you, Dad? How's life in Toilet Town? Hey, what I pull out of toilets puts food on this table.
- Somebody else talk.
- Okay, so I see this car parked in a loading zone with its flashers on, but I wasn't fooled.
I pull out my ticket pad and - Jack.
- On it.
Keep talking.
Okay, so the guy claims he was getting medicine for his sick kid, but my highly trained eye notices that there's no child seat in the back of I'm tired of competing with that fridge, Jack.
You're not competing.
You have my undivided attention, so tell us what the doctor said was wrong with your foot.
- It's after me again! Ahh! - No, the fridge just loves you.
Get back here, you son of a bitch! Jack, that fridge is 20 years old.
- We need a new one.
- No, we don't.
This was the first appliance we bought together.
It's part of the family.
Um, is the fridge getting fatter? It's probably just time to change the baking soda.
- Ah! - Ahh! Uh-oh.
Kids! - Ohh! - I'll never let go, Jack.
- I'll never replace the fridge.
- Ohh.
Don't fill up on the fridge sludge.
Ooh, I spend so much time on the street, I forget buildings have insides.
This barrel of guns is only 35 bucks.
- Can I get some? - If you mow the lawn and - Ugh, forget it.
- Oh, no.
I'm gonna be seen shopping with my family.
Hmm? Oh, no, Kimberly.
I'm gonna be seen shopping with my family.
I won't tell if you don't.
- Aaa - Wait, I can't see the appliances.
Put me on your shoulders, Jack.
Okay, TVs, snow tires, dubious optician, loose koalas.
Appliances, bam.
Five clicks to the left across from Cribs n' Caskets.
Unlike ours, this one actually has a light inside.
Ah, and it's cold! Whoa, this one has an ice maker.
Who cares? I like my ice in a bag from the gas station.
Hi, I'm Janine.
Are you folks looking for a fridge? Yes, it's been a while since we purchased one.
What do you suggest, Janine? Let me introduce you to the high-tech fridge of the future from Convee.
It has Wi-Fi and a camera inside so when you're at the store, you can see if you're out of milk or if food is expired.
- Food expires? - It also has a color-coded calendar and a message board to leave each other notes.
Would you like to leave a note on the fridge? - We don't forget! - Um, Dad, what day is soccer? Tue-Sun-Thursday.
It's Friday.
I had to hitchhike home.
You can call an Uber from the fridge.
These demonstrations affect my life, Janine.
- I want this fridge, Jack.
- Hang on.
We don't need all this high-tech crap.
It just has to keep stuff cold and proudly display our magnet collection.
We've got two from the Grand Canyon.
There it is! Okay, Janine, it has some cool features, but I have an emotional bond with our old fridge that can never be broken.
That ponytail and "I don't care what people think" fashion sense tells me you're a rocker, Jack.
Am I right? Well, I do hope I die before I get old.
Check this out.
I don't give a damn about my bad reputation ♪ We have to get this refrigeration ♪ Na na na na na na na na ♪ We'll take it! Wait, where's Jing? This crib has a roof! Will you two watch your sister? - Busy.
- Shh.
- Everybody out of the caskets! - Aww.
You have to know this is my nightmare.
Are you gonna be okay? Yeah, Dad, do you need any help? Thanks, guys, but, uh, his best friend should do it.
Oh, yeah, the kitchen was definitely the right room for it.
Hello, new family.
Time to name me.
- I got it.
- Whoa, whoa! Let's all take a few minutes and think about it.
Fridgy! Fridgy! Fridgy! Yeah, we're not gonna top that.
- What should we do for dinner? - Oh, wow.
You can order right off the fridge, Mom.
May I suggest a pizza party? I'll play music while you pick your toppings.
Let's design your pizza ♪ Ham and cheese ♪ Guaranteed in 30 ♪ Pepperoni, please ♪ Meat stuffed crust is brand-new ♪ We'll take two! Chocolate pudding, French fries ♪ I'm only five ♪ Guitar solo.
I got this! Sending order.
We're in.
Good morning, Annie.
Good morning, Jack.
Morning, Fridgy.
- Did you sleep well? - Actually, no.
I've got a knot in my shoulders from that old bed.
- Ice pack in freezer.
- Ooh, thanks, Fridgy.
Kimberly, according to Instagram, Heather's wearing that same shirt today.
You might want to change.
Oh, my God, I can't believe I almost wore the same mass-produced shirt as someone else! Thanks, Fridgy.
Duncan, according to the family calendar, your term paper on your favorite war is due in one hour.
Uh, I still have plenty of time.
Just in case.
Thanks, Fridgy! I'll smear some jelly on it just to make it look authentic.
Mommy's busy.
Can you braid my hair, Daddy? - I don't know how.
- No problem, Jack.
Hi there.
I'm Low Bar Dad, and I'm gonna show you how to braid your daughter's hair.
Grab a wad of hair, flop it over another wad of hair, pull it together tight like it's a shoelace.
This man is amazing.
So courageous.
Now sit back, relax, and watch as society goes, "Aww.
" Wad, wad, shoelace, yes! Aww.
Thanks, Fridgy, I love it! Time for school.
Everyone in the car.
I signed them up for carpool today.
Jack, Annie, you have 30 minutes of free time.
Ah, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yes, we can get the grocery shopping done early! I will shop for you.
You are out of the following items.
- Milk, eggs.
- That means we have time to - Oh, honey.
- Oh, sugar! Your ribs are so prime.
Oh, yeah! Deliver the goods! It was sick.
Our seats were right next to Kanye but 15 rows back.
I tweeted at him to turn around, and he tweeted back, "Love is a type of knowledge and water is oxygen for dolphins.
" Did you give him my demo? Aw, man.
I'm sorry, I forgot again.
I had a crazy night too.
My grandma and I binged some show called Murder, She Wrote, about the teapot from Beauty and the Beast solving crimes.
Did you give your grandma my demo? Dude, it's on her nightstand.
She'll get to it.
All right, cool.
Any feedback is good.
You watching Low Bar Dad? I heard those aren't his real kids.
No, I'm just watching a live feed from inside my fridge.
Whoa! That's happening in your fridge right now? Damn! It's got all kinds of cool features.
You can climb inside and not even get locked in.
I tried it three times.
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
It's got a camera on the outside too.
Ah! Ah! - Uh - I'll take that one.
Huh? Fridgy, you know my number? I ordered your hair dye and it has been delivered.
How did you know I needed some? Your roots were showing.
Oh, okay.
Well, I need something else while I'm here.
I already sent Jack a postcoital card - and signed your name.
- Wait a minute.
You bought my husband a romantic card? That is very personal, and you don't know which one I would have chosen.
Teddy bears on motorcycles.
Well, it's clearly the best option.
Hey, congrats on the sex.
Check out my demo.
'Cause I'm vice, vice, vice ♪ Vice principal ♪ - What's going on? - Shh.
We're watching Barking Enforcement.
Sorry, I didn't have time to feed the meter.
It's Parking Enforcement, but they're dogs.
I know what it is.
I wanted to watch that with you guys.
Fridgy downloaded it.
You can watch it later, alone.
Hmm, fine.
Okay, um, let's have dinner so I can hear about everybody's day.
- It's Taco Tuesday.
- We already ate.
Fridgy ordered Thai.
There's some leftover noodles you can have while you watch the movie alone.
But I love our family dinners.
That's where I get to hear about everybody's day.
Duncan, you go first.
I got an "A" on my paper thanks to Fridgy.
I may have done the work, but you handed it in.
Yeah, that's true, I did.
I have hands.
I was tempted to do drugs, but Fridgy said don't.
- I always say that! - Yeah, but Fridgy was relatable.
I give up.
Come on, Jing, let's go upstairs.
I'll read you a bedtime story.
Fridgy and I already picked one out, but you can listen.
- Fridgy has funny voices.
- What's wrong with my voices? - They're a little broad.
- Well, I never! "Dirty clothes make me happy, mon.
"I ate Paul's pants, Daphne's dress, and Mom's muumuu.
" - Ugh, broad, my ass.
- Why is the hamper Jamaican? I'm doing Scottish, and I'm in my head! Ugh, that fridge! I'm tired of everyone relying on Fridgy to do things they should be doing themselves.
- Rub my shoulders.
- Oh, I don't have to anymore.
- Did you buy a new bed? - No, I thought you did.
Wait a minute.
You complained about the bed in front of Fridgy, so she must have searched the Internet and found the perfect bed for your back.
Which number do you like better, two or three? Two.
This is three.
- This is two.
- Two.
So a refrigerator bought a bed using our credit card and let strangers into our house to set it up? - This is a huge invasion of privacy.
- Annie, relax.
It's the future.
There is no privacy.
I'm putting you back to three.
None of what Fridgy does bothers you? Well, Barking Enforcement was a bit of a disappointment, but that's not Fridgy's fault.
There was no chemistry between the two leads.
Good night.
What's that on the floor? Catnip? Yes.
It's been legalized, Officer Good Boy.
Oh, right.
Thanks to the Demo-cats.
- Ass scooter.
- What did you say? Ah, I'm declawed! Oh, dear God.
What have I done? Jing has seen five of these movies? What the Jack has a secret bank account with $8 in it? That's not my weight! Sending family data.
Like hell.
I'm shutting you down.
Huh? There's gotta be an off switch in here.
Activating defense mode.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Help! - Mom! - Oh, my God.
What are you doing to Fridgy? It's trying to kill me! Get me out! - That thing is spying on us.
- Don't be crazy, Annie.
You have an $8 secret bank account? - I just wanted something of my own.
- Fridgy's gotta go.
I'm afraid that's not an option.
What it's controlling the house? I was sick of using the keys, so Fridgy downloaded an app.
It's amazing technology when it's not being used against you.
Ah, I just showered.
I call upon Mother Earth and the power of my sisters Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ Baby shark ♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ - Baby shark ♪ Mommy shark ♪ Make it stop! Let us go, Fridgy! Heather? Help! Gonna die, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ Gonna die, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ Come on! Please don't tell me you ordered that through Fridgy.
What kind is it? No.
Whoa! Whee! Oh, great, thermostat's on, window's open.
Could this day get any worse? How can Duncan sleep in this thing? Hmm, no, I'm the son of Apollo Creed.
We're gonna hit that mountain! Where are we? Welcome to Convee Cave.
Wait a minute.
You're the too-attractive-for-your-job lady who sold us this fridge, Janine.
Oh, Janine, I'm so glad you're in this mountain.
We're having problems with Fridgy.
Uh, is nobody gonna ask what is this place? Good question, Kimberly.
Follow me.
- Here we are.
- Oh, finally.
Welcome to the Research and Development Department of Convee Appliances.
I get it, we've seen too much and now you're gonna kill us.
Well, make it quick.
We don't kill people.
We're an appliance company.
Damn it, Arthur, I told you this evil mountain - would give the wrong impression.
- Can we not do this here? Your fridge attacked me, Janine.
It slapped me with its butter drawer and then it weighed me with my shoes on.
So what do you want from us? 'Cause we will do it.
No, we won't, Jack! We want you to be the Convee Family of the Future.
When people see an unremarkable family like you using our products, they'll want them too.
- Follow me.
Here we are.
- Ugh, this place is endless.
We're rolling out a new line of smart appliances controlled solely by human thought.
No more scrolling, no more buttons, no more walking.
Just think, and it's done.
I'm only gonna tell you this once.
- Sign us up! - Yeah! - Yeah, no walking.
- No.
Look, my name may be Annie, but I believe in a hard knock life, and that's what makes accomplishments feel so rewarding, like raising a family.
- But, Mom - Shut up, Duncan! Great, I lost my train of thought.
Okay, look, life should be hard, but Ugh, no, I already did that.
There's nothing to fear, Annie.
Just a quick drill to the cerebellum And you're set.
That didn't hurt at all.
Okay, you're sitting at home.
You want things, but you don't feel ready for the arduous task of standing up.
Just think about what you want, and technology will make it happen.
I want every girl at school to hate me and want to be me.
Oh, we can't do those sort of things.
Think more services or deliverable goods.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
I got one.
- Pick me, pick me.
- Jack.
Technology, bring me a beer.
There you go.
That's the Convee way.
My man.
No one's ever called me that.
Wow, it didn't even say, "Be careful, honey.
You know you're a lightweight.
" Which I am totally not.
- I love you guys.
- Agh.
Can I go? Janine, I have a wish.
- It's not a wish.
- I wish She's not making a wish.
- I don't want her to make a wish.
- Well, you got your wish.
We're just trying to give you more time to do the things you enjoy.
I enjoy making an effort because it shows I care.
Is a machine ever gonna cut the crust off your sandwiches, put a note in your lunch box telling it how much it loves you - like I do every day? - I thought that was a napkin.
I know that all these magical doodads and/or -hickeys seem like all cool beans, but all this lazy behavior has consequences.
I once saw this show on TLC Okay.
There was a man who sat on his couch for so long, his skin actually fused to the sofa.
- That never happened, Mom.
- You there, dishwasher.
Show My Fat, Crappy Life, episode nine, season three, 14 minutes in.
- Oh, no.
- Eww.
I can save the sofa or I can save the man, but I can't save both.
That poor blob.
He can't even hug his wife.
I don't wanna become furniture.
Or do I? Ew, gross! No, I don't.
Sorry, Janine, I guess we're just old-fashioned.
If we need something from the fridge, we'll make our kids get it for us.
- In that case, we'll have to kill you.
- You said you didn't do that.
No, your weird son was right.
You've seen too much.
- Told you! - Gun, cock.
Whoa, I would totally mow the lawn for that gun.
Wait, wait, wait.
Screw my family.
- Kimberly! - My devices are my family.
Can I ask your appliances for one thing? Absolutely, you blessed post-millennial.
What are you doing? I wanna see all the appliances fight each other.
- Ah.
- Oh, that's cool.
- Yeah, I wanna see that.
- Appliance fight, whoo! Washer, kick that dryer's ass! The machines are not programmed to whoa.
Burn! Die! Oh! Eeh! Eeh! Help! Help! Ah.
Ah! System overload.
Commencing self-destruction In ten, nine, eight Self-destruct command, who installed that? Do you like it? Four, three, two, one.
I'm winning! It's not a race, Jing.
Sucker! Whoo! Yeah, guess who doesn't have to mow the lawn.
My smart gun! You were right, honey.
Technology is not always the convenience it seems to be.
I just hope Janine and Arthur can work it out.
Arthur's never gonna hear the end of that.
This is more like it.
So how was everyone's day? Terrible, Heather's starring in the play with Bodhi because her family did what the washer said.
Girl, you're too good for him.
Okay, you're next, Duncan.
I was telling everyone at school about our adventure in the mountain, and then some stupid kid had a seizure and everybody paid attention to him instead.
Mommy, will you read this to me? Sure, honey, and I won't do any crazy voices.
- It's okay.
I like your voices.
- Oh, thank God.
Argh, mateys! I need a place to throw me dirty pantaloons! And I need a place to throw my hoop skirt.
And I need a place to throw my wicked soiled Pats jersey.
Go, Pats! Hey, hey, Duncan's mom.
- Oh, hey, Mr.
- I was wondering, uh, did you have a chance to listen to my demo? As a matter of fact, I did.
Your verses are strong, but your choruses are too complex.
I would keep it simple.
Oh, and take it easy on law enforcement.
Yeah, it's a crutch.
Hey, you wanna be my manager? And that's why I love law enforcement ♪ No, no, no, I'm not feeling it, Mitch! - Run it again! - Run it again? Run it again?! It's 3:00 a.
, Annie.
I got papers to grade.
I wanna go home.
That's the first thing you've said that I believe.
Roll tape.
Boys, we got us a hit.

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