Duncanville (2020) s01e07 Episode Script

Jack's Pipe Dream

1 Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Ooh! - Mommy! - Aaaaaaah! - Duncan! - Duncan! Okay, Jing, don't forget, after ice skating you have a riding lesson.
Then after riding, you have fencing.
En garde! Duncan, what are you doing after school? - Wait, I have school today? - Kimber, check my plumbing schedge, and hit me with my appoints.
All your appoints just "canced.
" - I told you not to be yourself with people.
- That can't be right.
My customers love me.
I'll bet Russia's hacking my phone, or I'm being "Impractical Joker'd".
Either way, it's destroying our democracy.
Calm down, Jack.
Democracy's already dead.
What am I gonna do? You know how important my work is to me and that I can't be alone.
Enjoy it, Jack.
You got the day off.
It's your own personal Jack's off day.
What's so funny? - Tell me! - Well, Jing - Don't you dare.
- You're right, honey.
I'm just gonna enjoy myself today and go somewhere where I can forget all about plumbing.
You're not gonna install that shower head yourself.
I'm a plumber, and I could follow you to your shower - and screw it in for you.
- And I'll take this pepper spray, too.
You're even needier than usual today, Jack.
If I didn't enjoy people's discomfort so much, I'd ask you to leave.
What's going on? All my jobs canceled today, Hal, and I can't figure out why.
Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news.
Eh, who am I kidding? I enjoy it.
There's a new plumber in town.
New plumber?! Yep, he stopped in on his way over to Mrs.
Tramer's house.
That was my appointment.
She canceled because her uncle died in a plane crash! I'm gonna see this "new plumber" right now.
Oh! I can't see! Dead uncle, my ass.
I didn't plan it, Jack.
It just it just happened.
Hello, mate.
I'm Bobby Bastille.
- What? - You in need of a plumber? I am a plumber! Why is your shirt off? Well, why wouldn't it be? Ah, this is called an Australian tuxedo, mate.
Oi, oi, oi, oi.
You're good to go, Mrs.
Please, don't leave me, Bobby.
Oh, sorry, I've got a full day of people who need me.
- These are my clients! - I don't know what to say, mate.
I guess they found another man to lube their tubes.
That sounds like you knew what to say.
Good day.
Good ah day ah.
What are you still doing in my bathroom? Lamenting the toll the years have taken on my body.
Why do women keep doing that to me?! Ohh! I'm not trash! Ohh! Namaste.
Ah, huh, ohh.
Ohh, ohh, ohh, oh! Ahh, ohh, no! I know I'm a good plumber, but he's hot as hell, Annie.
- I can't compete.
- What? You don't have to compete.
You're the best-looking guy in town.
My sink's making a weird noise.
Oh, he's hot.
You're screwed, Dad.
- Give me that card back.
- I threw it away.
I can see it in your pocket.
Threw it away.
Time for a bath.
And no matter what you hear, I'm fine.
My rock-and-roll good looks can't compete with that guy.
- He's been like that all night.
- He's not even chewing.
It's gonna be okay, Jack.
You just need to figure out your next move.
You're right, Annie.
I should kill myself.
I'll be in the garage.
Don't come in for 15 minutes.
Ah, make it 20, in case a good song comes on the car radio.
You're not killing yourself.
And did you pay the life insurance premium? It's just a stupid job, Dad.
Nowadays, people have three or four careers in their life.
Like, I'm gonna be an influencer, then a YouTube star, and when people tire of me, I'll do network TV.
And when my history teacher's not teaching, he drives an Uber, and when he's not doing that, he sharpens knives in the parking lot, and when he's not doing that, he can sign you up - for Cricket Wireless.
- You can be anything you want, Jack.
Accountant, business accountant, certified public accountant.
This is an opportunity to completely reinvent yourself.
Well, there is this one thing, but I don't want to say it, because you're just gonna think I'm nuts.
Go on.
Whatever it is, you have your family's support.
- Right, kids? - Dream, Daddy, dream! Well, for the last 35 years, I've, uh oh, boy, I've been working on, uh, an idea for a It's okay, Jack.
We're on your side.
Rock opera.
Mm-hmm mm Is that silent excitement I'm detecting? Mm-hmm.
It's great that you're dreaming of a new career, but rock operas aren't really the rage anymore.
That's because there's never been one like this.
It's about a kid who has no sense of taste or smell - but plays a mean game of Skee-Ball.
- That sounds like "Tommy.
" No, "Tommy's" about a deaf, dumb, and blind kid who plays a mean pinball.
- Read the back of an album cover.
- I'll humor you, Dad.
- What's your rock opera called? - "Rommy.
" - Is anyone going to state the obvious? - All my notes are still here.
I just have to write the songs and see if my fog machine still works.
Are you sure you don't want to consider the CPA thing? I mean, those dudes are the bad boys of math.
This is what I was meant to do.
And I owe it all to you guys for encouraging me to dream again.
I don't know how much longer I could've gone on the way I was.
You just quit plumbing an hour ago.
Okay, honey.
You go work on your rock opera.
We're just gonna slowly back into the kitchen and whisper to each other.
- Hmm.
- Is Daddy's brain broken? No, Jing.
Daddy's fine.
Dad's having a nervous breakdown, Mom.
I don't need any more negative attention at school.
Not after I pooped my gym shorts at the top of the rope.
Maybe you should start dating again, Mom, just to play it safe.
I need structure.
Don't panic, kids.
This is just a phase.
He will tire of this the same way he tired of boxing, turtle racing, and ghost busting.
So am I busted or what? I need more Post-It notes.
I just had the best idea for a scene after the fourth intermission.
Go get 'em, honey! Rock that opera.
You're not embarrassing at all, Dad.
- Mom will always love you.
- And your brain is fine.
Aw, it's good to see him excited again.
Jack, you're snoring again.
Jack? Hey! Couldn't sleep? Me either.
Have you been out here all night? Yep, yep, yep.
I'm pumped full of inspiration - and Adderall.
- I need that for school.
Look at me, look at me, look at me.
No, you don't.
So you got a little bit of work done? Better.
I finished the play, wrote all the songs, started the sets, have some rough choreography and caught a black widow spider.
It's under that cup.
You finished the whole thing? It's super rough, but I'm not changing a word of it.
- Want to hear it? - Not really.
Okay, here we go.
Rommy is a peace-loving 18-year-old boy who was born in the USA but raised in H-E-L-L.
Daddy's keyboard swore.
The only thing he loves more than peace is Skee-Ball and Rainbow, his hippie flower-child girlfriend.
Wow, that sounds terrific.
Okay, we have to go Now, Rommy's dad is a warmongering general.
And his mom is a greedy oil tycoon who only loves the sound of a cash register.
Hang on.
Leave Britney alone! You know what a cash register sounds like.
Anyway, they're locked in a battle for Rommy's soul, but eventually they learn that all you need is I haven't written that song yet.
So what do you think? Any questions? - Where'd that spider go? - To freedom.
He's just overtired.
Once he gets some sleep, he'll forget all about this silliness.
You don't think I'm wasting my time, do you? You should tell me if you do, even though I'm in no condition to handle that kind of honesty.
- No! - Sounds great, honey.
You keep working.
We're just gonna walk backward to the kitchen and share concerned looks.
- Oh, you're not goin' anywhere.
- His brain is broken.
Because you're my stars! The play's about a family, and you're pretty much my favorite family, so it makes perfect sense.
Of course, Jack.
Everything you're doing makes perfect sense, but let's not forget how much you love being a plumber.
That Jack is dead, baby! Rehearsal starts in ten, baby! I'm not playing Duncan's girlfriend.
I'm still in therapy about being his sister.
Look, I'll date my sister, but I don't want to dance.
- Where's my character? - I was thinking you could represent the conflict between America's promise and its sins of genocide and oppression.
- Can I be a cat? - Yeah, that works, too.
Okay, and action! I'm Rommy.
I play Skee-Ball.
Cut! Son, it's a rock opera.
When it's in italics, you sing it.
- Yeah, I'm not doing that.
- Fine.
I guess I'll just go stick my head in the oven.
- Okay, I'll sing.
- Ugh, Jack, you can't keep threatening suicide to get what you want.
It's called directing, and it worked.
Now, let's go again.
And action! I'm Rommy ♪ I can't taste ♪ Why? I can't smell ♪ I'm pregnant ♪ - Mom! - Jack, Kimberly cannot be - carrying Duncan's baby! - It's not Duncan's baby.
It's Rommy's, and it may or may not be the second coming of Christ.
I haven't decided yet, but it is.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Don't be a fool, Rommy ♪ Let's go kill some commies ♪ We'll be father-son army buddies ♪ Don't you fall for his poor potion ♪ Come with Mom and frack the ocean ♪ We'll get rich and buy matching Jet Skis ♪ I'm a cat, that is that ♪ Meow.
Okay, then your mom and I will drop some bad acid, strip our clothes off, and do a groovy dance where we learn that all you need is - I still haven't written that song yet.
- Strip your clothes off? Don't worry, we'll be wearing nudie tights so we don't shock the audience.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Audience? We're not performing this for people, right? Yeah, I thought we were just keeping you from offing yourself.
Well, I was gonna save this, but you know the theater - at the top of the hill? - Hilltop Theater? I rented it out, and we're going to perform for the whole town Saturday night! No! Being freaks in the privacy of our garage is one thing, - but in front of the whole town? - We can't do this it'll be like Kimberly at the top of the rope all over again.
Well, I don't like this any more than you do.
You kids get your dad his favorite spaghetti pizza, and we'll break the news to him that we're quitting.
The show must not go on.
Honey, I just had a brainstorm! Where's our American flag and blowtorch? Everyone be a jacket.
We're jackets.
- What are you all doing in here? - Practicing our lines? Love the work ethic.
But don't over-rehearse, it won't feel real.
I found that spider! Aah! Hey, guys.
What's up? Good day, madam, we're feeling a bit peckish, but find ourselves low on funds.
Can you accommodate? - You mean you want free food.
- Yep! Okay.
Burnt pizza slices, rock-hard garlic knots, and this calzone that was coughed on by a kid with measles.
I'll roll the dice.
Hey, Duncan.
Hey you.
I'm on his radar! Here's your spaghetti pizza.
Is it your dad's birthday? No.
We have to break his heart.
Oh, and I think it is his birthday.
- Cool ponytail, Duncan.
- Oh, yeah.
My dad's making us do this dumb rock opera.
I'm a draft-dodging hippie Skee-Ball prodigy who can't taste or smell for some reason.
We think it's about Vietnam.
Or incest.
There's no telling.
I love rock operas.
I'd totally go see that.
You would? 'Cause I'm, like, the star.
And it's all about me and my journey.
You know, my grandma was a Vietnam vet.
I bet that would bring back some great memories.
- Count us in! - I need ten front and center seats, and I'm showing up late.
- If the theater has heat, I'll go.
- Oh, yeah, you'll be so hot in the theater 'cause of the temperature.
- Oh, my God, Duncan.
Let's go! - Ugh! Good news, honey, the nudie tights came in, and we're gonna look really naked.
They block nothing.
Yeah, about that, the kids and I were talking in the closet earlier, and How do I put this delicately? Sweetheart, your play is how should I say this? terrible.
- Huh? - We don't want to perform it in public or private or really anywhere.
Really? Everyone feels this way? - It's okay, kids.
Love is honesty.
- What? Mom's crazy.
The play has a great message of some kind, and Mia likes my ponytail, so I can't wait to perform it.
And I want to do it, too.
The theater has heat, right? Annie, are you trying to crush my dreams? - What? - No.
I was, um, just in character and being a soulless oil tycoon.
I can't wait for my friends, coworkers, and bosses to see it.
Good, because I printed out 10,000 flyers, and you need to pass 'em out while you're working your beat.
Copy that.
It's showtime.
I'm a horrible wife.
Hey, Mia, it's me, Duncan.
I know.
You make a great hippie.
I tie-dyed my shirt, but, um, I forgot to let it dry.
Hey, does the theater smell like crap up there, too? Oh, yeah.
Oh, the cat is played by Jing.
I know her! There's hardly anybody here, Jack.
There's no shame in being ashamed.
- Let's go! - That doesn't make sense.
You handed out all the flyers, right? Yep.
Got rid of every last one.
Well, even if my story only reaches Duncan's weird friends and that old soldier, it's a story worth telling.
Places, everyone! I'm Rommy ♪ I'm Rainbow ♪ I'm pregnant ♪ With my baby ♪ Oh, I'm very happy to be here.
I'm a military guy ♪ I love genocide ♪ I love to kill, kill, kill ♪ K-k-k-kill, kill, kill ♪ I'm an oil tycoon ♪ I just bought the Moon ♪ I like to drill, drill, drill ♪ Then I s-spill, spill, spill ♪ - Focus! - It's not a movie, Grandma.
I know.
I was yelling at my eyes.
Come on, Fluffy.
Just try and go.
Fluffy? Oh, my God! Bertha, cancel my State of the Sewers address, and get me my floaties.
Bottom drawer.
Bertha? This will not define my term! Hmm.
- Hmm.
- A sewer pipe break? Yeah, I don't really fix things.
I just take my shirt off and bang a few pipes.
But I think I know just the guy.
If I roll to the left ♪ Then it's Mother Earth's death ♪ If I roll to the right ♪ Then war I must fight ♪ Why are parents so into control? ♪ - Come on, let me in your ♪ Love hole ♪ Let him in your love hole ♪ Get a ball deep in your love hole ♪ Let him in your love hole ♪ - Love hole, love hole ♪ I know what that song's really about.
He's good at Skee-Ball.
Look at this crowd.
It's a hit! Jack, there's a plumbing emergency in town.
Oakdale needs you, Jack.
If you don't help us, this town will be under water forever.
Oh, now you need him.
You dumped him before just 'cause he's ugly.
He's not that ugly.
He's, like, a solid six.
Sorry, folks.
I don't do plumbing gigs anymore.
The theater is my toolbox now, and the only pipes I care about - are between my jaw and clavicle.
- Daddy, our house is swimming.
We're gonna lose our home, Jack.
But the next scene is the climax.
Where am I gonna find a tenor that can sight-read music? He's standing right in front of you ♪ Oh, wow.
I feel stirrings.
Uh, Jack, you should really go take care - of that flood thingy.
- Yeah, get out of here.
You're right, Kimberly.
The town needs me.
- Because at a time like this - Just go! Okay, okay! You were born for war ♪ How can you be sure? ♪ Born to drill the Earth ♪ Coach me in childbirth ♪ I like to meow and purr ♪ I was born to ♪ Roll ♪ I was born to roll ♪ My balls are my soul ♪ Don't try to change me, man ♪ He am what he am ♪ - Born to roll ♪ Balls are his soul ♪ I was born to plumb ♪ Water's filling my lungs ♪ Gotta save this ungrateful town ♪ Don't sing, or else I'll drown ♪ Don't sing, he'll drown ♪ Oh, no, pants down ♪ Thanks! I did it! - Hey! - Shut up! Without war ♪ I would never know I love peace ♪ War ♪ Oh, take me, army man.
Whoa, someone wants a Tony.
Well, the flood's receding.
It's FEMA's problem now.
Author! Author! - You're a hero, Daddy.
- I don't want to get all gooshy, but I'm glad you didn't kill yourself.
Not today, son.
Not today.
You're the real plumber, Jack.
I'm just a stripper who took my gimmick too far.
Thanks, mate.
Enjoy intermission.
We'll be back for the second act.
What? Oh.
The reviews are in.
I'm too nervous.
You read it.
Let's see.
"Plumber Saves Town," Bertha's memorial, "North Korea launches" Oh, here we go,"'Rommy' is a brilliant, inspiring, star-making triumph.
" "For Bobby Bastille, "who has been whisked to Hollywood "and cast as heroic Jack the Plumber in feel-good flood movie.
" - Hmm.
- Unbelievable.
I know a famous person.
I shook his hand.
He kissed my wife! And not just a little, for a long time.
You're really taking this well, Jack.
Well, being a great playwright was fun, but I realized my true passion is plumbing.
Look, I even got new business cards made.
Not bad, huh? We have to destroy those business cards!
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