Duncanville (2020) s01e08 Episode Script

Judge Annie

1 Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ [laughs.]
Ooh! [growls.]
- Mommy! - Aaaaaaah! - Duncan! - Duncan! Okay, gang, forget about the heat wave.
- Summer starts now! - Ew, gross.
It looks like a Vegas pool but smells like an Orlando pool.
I'm not getting in there.
I heard a kid once sat on a drain, and it sucked the guts out of his butt.
There's no room, Jack.
There's plenty of room.
- Oh! - Aah! - [gulping.]
- Mm-hmm.
Excuse me.
Could you unhand my penis? - I am so sorry.
- Is that yours? I thought it was mine.
No problem.
So you'll you'll let it go now? [all groaning.]
I'm dying.
The AC is blowing warm air! By that logic, then the heater should blow cold.
Oh, God! That's hot! Dad, we're begging you.
Take us somewhere where we can cool down.
Jack, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Uh-huh.
That guy had to know it wasn't his penis.
[whispers inaudibly.]
Oh, yeah.
Hang on, kids! [horns honking.]
[both screaming.]
Jack, we were going the right way! Whoop.
Hang on again, kids! - [screaming.]
- Oh, my God! Here we are.
The woods? They're gonna kill us.
Kick! [all grunting.]
Nobody's killing anyone.
[all scream.]
Now march into those woods single file.
[all grunting.]
- Wah, wah! - [shrieks.]
What is it, hon? Rattlesnakes? I don't have reception.
There's rattlesnakes? What the hell is this? Paradise, Eden, Valhalla.
We called it "The Hole.
" Every kid in town used to come here.
Even the ugly ones.
All were welcome.
We'd ride our bikes here every day and splash around without a care in the world.
Swimming, laughing, skinny dipping.
Do you have any stories that don't end with you naked? - No good ones.
- The Hole was a magical place.
Time stood still, and summer seemed to never end.
So why did you stop coming? The new mall opened up, and they had air conditioning and a Sbarro.
It was the first time any of us had had truly horrible Italian food.
Come on.
Last one in is the Harris to embarrass! - Right behind you! - Oh! Oh ho ho! Ow! Still got it! I don't know how to swim! I'm not doing this.
Why didn't they just murder us? [both gasping.]
- What is that? - It's hideous! [both screaming.]
- Whoo-hoo! - [screams.]
Oh, dear God.
Ooh, we on vacation ♪ Aah-aah-aah-aah-aah-aah-aah- aah-aah-ooo! Yeah! - Yay! - Whoo! [both breathing heavily.]
You know, I usually hate hanging out with you guys, but I didn't think about running away once today.
This might be the snake venom in me talking, but I think this was a perfect day.
Don't forget, Jack.
We have to leave an offering for the Squirrel Man.
Squirrel Man? Legend has it that he watches over the woods and protects the swimming hole, so we always leave him something to say thanks.
Like leaving cookies for Santa? No, nothing like that, Jing.
Now, let's sorta put out this fire and hit the road.
[all grunting.]
Yeah, that'll do.
ALL: And Bingo was his name-o ♪ Bingo was his name-o ♪ - [all laughing.]
- Can we get a dog? Ooh, great idea.
Let's go to the pet store right no [gasps.]
Parking violator.
- Turn around! - Whoa! Mom, you're off duty.
I'm never off duty, and you knew that when you signed on to be my daughter.
[imitates siren.]
- Duncan, cover me! - Pump, pump.
Don't ticket that car.
You're parked across three handicap spaces.
I can explain.
I'm a dick.
Dick or no dick, you broke the law.
Sorry, there's two things I don't pay: Parking tickets and child support.
- [grunts.]
- Nope! - [grunts.]
- Too slow! - [grunts.]
- I'm over here now! - Missed again! - I've got a shot, Dad.
Stand down, Duncan.
This is what she spent eight years at the academy for.
[both heavy breathing.]
Hey, look.
It's the mother of your children with an attorney.
- Oh, crap.
Which one? - Take the shot.
Aah! [grunts.]
You've been super served.
Contested? I'm used to death threats, but contesting my ticket? That's just sick.
Remember, honey, you're on public access TV, so play to the cameras.
Okay, let's get started.
[clears throat.]
[clearing throat.]
What am I gonna do? Judge Jeremiah's getting clobbered in the public access ratings by a live feed of the dump.
Go back! My boyfriend will kill me if I watch the dump without him.
First case, Annie Harris versus Neil LaDouche.
Okay, sweetie.
What did you hit? Wha I didn't hit anything.
I'm parking enforcement.
This able-bodied wisenheimer parked in three handicap spaces.
I disagree, Your Honor.
Well, I don't know who to believe.
Case dismissed.
- Don't you bang that gavel.
- Okay.
You will not dismiss me or this case.
You know, I am sick and tired of rich people not having to follow the same rules as the rest of us.
Justice should be served equally to everyone, like free booze at a wedding.
Am I right? [crowd agreeing.]
And justice should be swift, not sitting under a heat lamp for two hours waiting for the bridal party to finish taking pictures while we starve.
Yeah! [crowd cheering.]
Who is that? My idiot constituents love her.
- Her name is A - Shut up, I'm watching.
So in conclusion, Your Honor, tell Mr.
LaDouche he is not above the law, he needs to pay that fine, and that destination weddings are a burden.
That is what the honeymoon's for.
- [crowd cheering.]
- Yeah, mommy! He paid the fine ten minutes ago.
He's in the parking lot doing doughnuts.
Ha ha! [gunshots.]
Take that, sky! Annie, how would you like to be a low-paid part-time judge on public access television? A TV judge? What do you think, Jack? I don't know.
You'd be working two jobs, we have kids, you keep saying we're gonna watch "The Wire.
" Jack, shut it.
What if we made you a TV bailiff? Good? Then I'd say, Judge Annie will return after this.
[hitting gavel.]
So we're not getting a dog? All rise and shine for the new star of Oakland Public Access, the honorable Judge Mommy! I hereby call this breakfast to order.
I'm loving the robe, honey.
It leaves everything to the imagination.
I don't get it, Mom.
How can you be a judge? Don't you have to, like, go to college and have a red, old face? Nope.
All you gotta do is a take a 45-minute online course.
It's easy.
- I want to be a judge.
- It's not that easy, Jing.
Are you gonna be dealing with any troubled youth who only know how to express their feelings by fighting? Sorry.
I only cover small stuff like traffic violations, property disputes, and if I'm lucky, seizure of a speedboat.
I sentence you to 20 years in prison, and to give my son that speedboat.
[engine revving.]
[all cheering.]
Cool boat, Duncan.
Want to catch some bad guys? You know it.
Read chapter seven about the Louisiana Purchase! [all cheering.]
- All right! - Slap.
- Where'd everyone go? - They left while your eyes were glazed over and you were high-fiving the air.
The heat wave's back.
I call the cool row of tiles! - Ahh.
- I'm the oldest.
The cool tiles are my birthright.
- [grunts.]
- Wait.
What are we doing on the floor? We've got The Hole.
Let's roll.
Okay, first case on the docket.
It says here, Hal, that you sold Mr.
Mitch a defective ladder.
Mitch, talk to me.
Well, I bought it for the school to secure the ceiling tiles that keep falling on the students' heads.
But then the ladder broke and I fell on the students' heads.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever regain their trust.
Hal, it sounds to me like the ladder was defective.
Well, actually, he was just using it wrong.
You see, you need to put one foot on each [gibbers authoritatively.]
Is this a courtroom, or a mansplaining convention? - [laughter.]
- She's funny.
Mitch, you can go back to Hal's store and pick any ladder you want.
Hal, learn to shut it.
Ya guilty.
[cheers and applause.]
- What's mansplaining? - This feels like a trap.
This is it.
The Hole.
Wolf, where's your bathing suit? Almost forgot.
Okay, ready.
Why didn't you tell me Wolf was jacked? This place is beautiful.
It reminds me of "Avatar," I think.
- Wait, what was "Avatar" about, again? - I don't know.
It's so unspoiled and pure.
I should start a hotel here.
Oh, my God.
Check this out.
A jet ski! [all shouting.]
This is gonna define our childhood! [muttering.]
Keep kicking, buddy.
You're doing great.
You got me? Have you still got me? - Have you all still got me? - ALL: Yes.
I'm not gonna let anything happen to you.
ALL: On your mark, get set, chicken fight! [all yelling.]
- Duncan, will you put sunscreen on my back? - With pleazh.
That wasn't me.
I make trumpet farts.
See? - [groans.]
- Oh, why'd I do that? [groans.]
Oh, great Squirrel Man, we honor you with these humble offerings.
Okay, what do you got? - Shotgun shell.
- Vegan ham.
My parents' garage door clicker.
- Wet Frito crumbs.
- He will be pleased.
You say your neighbor's dog is barking all night, but the only one I hear yapping is you! [laughter.]
Cone him, Jack-O.
She's a hit! Have some champagne with me.
But I'm three years sober.
That sounds like a "you" problem.
Another divorce? You're off again, you're on again.
You're off again, you're on again.
Are you a couple, or are you a friggin' light switch? ALL: Ya guilty.
Ya guilty.
[all cheering.]
Look at us, sitting in the "rich guys with mistresses" section.
They even gave me fresh crayons.
[chews loudly.]
Royal blue.
Oh, this is crazy.
I'm on the cover of both public access trade mags.
Everyone's staring because my tan looks so good.
Judge Annie, I'm such a big fan.
- Can I have a selfie? - Sure, why not? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We're in the middle of a comped family dinner.
But you can buy this official Judge Annie T-shirt.
- Um, can I have one without the back? - You got it.
Today, I'm gonna swim in that cave and look for smugglers.
I'ma go scope out the beach on the other side, - start my own Fyre Festival.
- What? I thought The Hole was for everyone.
- So we can't come here anymore? - Like hell.
Apparently not.
Okay, fence, it's on.
Go, go, go! What are you punks doing? Trespassing.
Come on.
Oh, crap.
[synthesizer tone.]
Hello! Let's get ready to justice! Papa Mom's Pizza proudly presents - Judge Annie "Ya Guilty" Harris! - Yeah! And introducing the plaintiff with a net worth he always keeps at 69 million dollars, Neil LaDouche.
And the defendants, Duncan and Kimberly - I love those names.
- Aww.
- Harris? - What? Kids, what are you doing here? We tried to use the swimming hole, but this jerk says that he owns it, and he charged us with attempted trespassing.
I thought The Hole was on public land.
- Yeah.
No one owns The Hole.
- Actually, I do.
I bought all the public land in town so my ex couldn't have a picnic with her new boyfriend.
So it's my right and white privilege to develop the property, and starting tomorrow, I plan to break ground on a brand-new go-kart track.
- [all gasp.]
- For adults only.
- ALL: Boo! - That's bogus.
Mom, I mean, Your Highness, The Hole means so much to us, just like it did to you and Dad.
Wolf learned to swim there.
I did a sick backflip.
- It was tight.
- And when we're old, we'll think about The Hole and be happy and cry, like Grandpa does when he sees an American flag.
This land has meant so much to the kids of Oakdale ever since we stole it from its indigenous inhabitants.
It has been sitting there unused for many years.
I got to swim in it.
My kids now swim in it.
And future generations should swim in it, too.
My wife, hero of the people.
- However - BOTH: Uh-oh.
LaDouche does own it, so the court reluctantly rules in favor of LaDouche's Adult Go-Kart World.
Sorry, my beloved children.
- Ya guilty.
- Mom! - What? - Sorry, kids.
The law is the law.
I really hate to do this, but I need you to look into the camera and say, "Papa Mom's, that's-a spicy justice.
" BOTH: "Papa Mom's, that's-a spicy justice.
" Okay, now one in Spanish.
You guys have hardly touched your personal party pizzas.
You love Papa Mom's, - official sponsor of me.
- Why bother? As soon as we enjoy it, you'll just give it to a rich guy.
How could you do that to us? That was the wrongest thing that's ever happened in a courtroom.
I don't know what you did, Mommy, but it sounds irredeemable.
Oh, guess what.
I learned a new word today.
I feel terrible, kids, but my hands were tied.
I have to uphold the law.
When I finished that online course, - I clicked "agree" on a sacred oath.
- That does it.
I'm getting you fired by finding your old offensive tweets.
"Cumberbatch is a treasure.
" "At Dane Cook, ha!" "At Delta, why is my luggage wet?" - These suck.
- Oh, yeah? Well, President of Delta Glen Hauenstein slid into my DMs with a personal apology, and now we're Twitter buddies.
Kids, get out here.
I have something better than a swimming hole! The box says only one person at a time, but I'm sure that's just for safety.
Whoa! Oh! Summer starts Oh! [snake hisses.]
Ow! It's a baby, so it doesn't know when to stop producing venom! You know what, Jing? Your father and I have been so busy dispensing justice, we totally forgot about getting that dog.
Oh, yeah.
You're right.
As soon as we're done here, we're going straight to the Listen up.
We got a standoff in progress.
We're taking Judge Annie on the road.
Follow me.
I was this close to a puggle.
Why am I blindfolded? Annie, it's reality TV.
We can't fake your reaction.
Yeah oh, sorry.
I can say that better.
Ready? Three, two, one.
It's reality TV.
We can't fake your reaction.
Oh, that's awful.
Go with the first one.
The Hole? What are we doing here? Annie, we're creating public access ratings gold.
This is gonna be bigger than the time that zoning commissioner jumped off the bridge.
- It's perfect.
- What's the case? - That small business owner - LaDouche.
Versus a gang of radicalized teens.
Duncan, Kimberly, other kids, what the hell are you doing? We are skinny-dipping for justice.
If he wants to drain this lake, he's legally a perv.
He'll have to register as a sex offender, just like the zoning commissioner did.
Jack, our kids are involved in a naked rebellion.
This is terrible.
Where should I set up the merch? Oh, and can you say "Ya guilpy"? - I got a bunch of misprinted T-shirts.
- Kids, get out of there.
You're breaking the law, and you ate less than an hour ago.
Sorry, Mom.
This story ends with us being naked.
I will prune for my core beliefs.
Yeah, your boy will always drop draws for the right cause.
You know what? Put that on a shirt.
I have my jeans on because I have body issues, but I share their outrage.
I will not be intimidated by middle-class children.
God created this paradise for me to race my adult friends in go-karts.
You flip that switch, ya gonna regret it.
Oh, Annie.
You know the justice system better than anyone.
Rich people never suffer consequences.
[dramatic music.]
Perv, perv! ALL: Perv, perv, perv! [all muttering.]
Perv, perv, perv.
Okay, ya boy is not sure this is the right cause.
I hate my shoulders so much.
They're nice.
I came here to do a job, and I'm doing it.
[all gasp.]
That's right.
They're different sizes.
Make your ruling fast, Judge Annie.
We don't have the budget to pixelate.
Oh, God, oh, God.
[horn blaring.]
Silence! The Squirrel Man.
He is real.
How's it going? Thanks for coming.
I've lived here for 50 years, peacefully watching teenagers skinny-dip with my squirrel wife, and eating the treats left for me, much like Santa Claus enjoying his cookies.
- [grumbles.]
- [groans.]
I never thought I'd see a day that this peaceful place would see such conflict.
If I've learned one thing from my solitude, - it's that the meaning of life is - 50 years? Well, that means you have squatter's rights.
Are you saying that old weirdo owns this land? Yes, under the laws of adverse possession, which means he gets to decide what the land is used for.
What's it gonna be, Squirrel Man? I say, my big, beautiful toilet stays! [all cheering.]
Sorry, LaDouche, but ya guilpy.
Guilpy, guilpy, guilpy! [cheers and applause.]
T-shirts! Who wants a T-shirt? Can we all have an extra, extra large? - BOTH: Thanks, Mom! We love you! - Copy that, kids.
You took on the system and won, Duncan.
Hey, I'm gonna get out now, 'cause that guy poops in here.
He's wise, but he's gross.
And so the children had a wonderful summer, and I watched every moment of it.
Not sexually.
What's your deal? I thought you were cool.
Oh, and Annie's no longer a judge.
Good night.
The plaintiff is suing her parents for reneging on promise of dog.
All right, who's gonna lie to me first? - Well, Your Honor - Wells are for drinking water.
Your Honor, we never actually said [gibbering authoritatively.]
Zip it.
Jing, did your parents tell you that they were gonna get you a dog? Yes.
It felt like a verbal contract.
Byrd, bring me a box of puppies.
Take as many as you want, sweetie.
Oh! I'll take all of them.
But Judge Judy, the discussion was for one.
Oh, so there was a discussion.
Damn it.
She's good.
You're a liar, and you're guilpy.
The court rules in favor of Jing.
- Hey, Judge Judy, want to fight crime? - Hell yeah! - Yeah! - Whoo! - I love you, Jing.
- I love you, too oh, wait.
Is this a dream? I thought the speedboat gave it away.

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