Everybody Loves Raymond s01e22 Episode Script

Why Are We Here?

Okay so this is the solar system right? We have Saturn and Pluto.
Hey have you seen my softball stuff? - Daddy! - Honey you're eating Jupiter.
It's got a crater in it now.
You know you said you weren't gonna be playing softball anymore.
No this is my last year.
We're going all the way.
I'm gonna be a winner.
You're asking a lot from a game.
Hi I'm Ray and I live here in Long Island with my wife Debra.
She's great with the kids the house everything.
I don't know how she does it.
We've got a daughter Ally and twin two-year-old boys.
It's not really about the kids.
My parents live across the street.
That's right.
And my brother lives with them.
Now not every family would go by on a conveyor belt for you but mine would because- Everybody loves Raymond.
Okay see this radish? That's going to be Mars.
That's Earth's next-door neighbor.
Hey Debra I got to use your dryer.
Ours is out of whack and I got a handball game in two hours.
I can't tell whether Marie washed these or if they're still damp from Tuesday's game.
Okay I'm sorry honey.
Now where were we? Debra look do me a favor.
I'm calling ChanneI 11.
Ask the lady which Twilight Zone is on tonight.
- Robert no.
Why don't you ask her that? - She knows my voice.
Yeah hello? Can you tell me which episode of Twilight Zone is on tonight please? Yeah.
Okay thank you.
Lady picks up a hitchhiker who turns out to be Death.
That's a great one.
You would think Death is a big guy.
But he's a little guy.
My shorts are riding along with some of your fine washables.
Hey kids let me get a sniff.
No Frank not right now.
I'm trying to get- They're the fountain of youth.
I'm sucking in that youth.
Please Frank- - It's magic£¡ - You're slobbering on them okay? - These potatoes are great.
- Robert those are for company tonight.
Ray£¡ - What's going on? - How you doing? Your brother came over to find out what episode of Twilight Zone is on tonight.
- Which one? - Death the hitchhiker.
Little guy? Good one.
Little guy.
- Dad what are you doing here? - Waiting for his shorts to dry.
- His handball shorts are in our dryer Ray.
- Okay.
Handball all right.
I was way off there.
Hi listen I brought you some whole milk.
I think you could use some calcium in this house.
- What? - Don't be alarmed dear.
It's just that when I was here this morning the twins looked bow-legged.
Thank you Marie but we have milk.
No I threw it out.
It smelled questionable.
Marie we don't need your milk okay? And don't throw our milk - Where's my pot roast? - That's over at my house.
What's it doing over there? When I smelled it earlier it definitely needed some work.
What? I drained it and now I'm readjusting the spices.
What do you got it up on the lift over there Mom? Marie I made that roast for company tonight.
Listen call me later this afternoon.
I'll let you know how it's going.
You go into my refrigerator- No I think it's time Maybe we should leave.
Follow me.
- What about my shorts? - Dad nobody's gonna touch it.
- I'm just trying to help.
- Help me now please.
Robert please come on.
- Bread? - Yeah you can have it.
Ray am I a bad person? - No.
- Because I am having some bad thoughts.
Well they'll do that to you.
My God I just can't take any more.
Let's just move.
Believe me I would love to.
- We can't right now.
- When can we? Five seconds after we can afford it.
I would never have thought that I would miss our little apartment in Queens.
Come on that apartment was tiny cramped and noisy.
And your parents would only visit every other month.
- I loved that place.
- I know.
Remember? It had that little kitchenette.
- Yeah.
Remember the cozy little bedroom? - And we had that cute little loveseat.
Why did we ever leave? You all done Ally? Mommy will help you okay? That looks yummy.
Found it.
- Come on it's my last year.
- Yeah.
Grab me the ice cream will you? - Ice cream? - Yeah.
We only got three more.
That's all right I don't need a bowI.
We could just tie it around your neck and keep your hands free for cookies.
So tomorrow's the big sonogram.
Get to know everything.
No I told you.
I don't want to know what's in there besides the ice cream.
Okay fine.
I won't tell you.
But I want to know this time.
My mother said you're having a boy.
You're carrying low and your nose is bulbous.
You should be happy no matter what we have Ray.
- You shouldn't be rooting for a boy.
- I'm not rooting.
We have a girI which is the greatest gift in the world.
To want another one would be greedy.
- You're such a philanthropist Ray.
- That's me.
Hi Robert.
How are you? You mind if I hang around here for a while? Sure.
You're always welcome here.
I tell you Raymond you got it all£º a kid one on the way - love.
- Oh boy.
- You and Joanne fighting again? - ¡°Again¡± implies we stopped.
You know why she yelled at me today? I was playing Ping-Pong during lunch.
- What? - What's wrong with that? I had fun without her.
You know you two have to talk this stuff out.
I try.
I'm very big on communication.
I can talk a guy off a bridge but when it comes to my wife All right it's bad.
- Robert it's bad.
- No.
I'm all right.
I'm not gonna let it drag me down.
If she doesn't want me I'm sure there are plenty of other women out there who might.
- Listen I'm sure it's all gonna work out.
- Yeah I hope so for her sake.
She could end up a divorced 40-year-old living in her parents' basement.
Here you go come on.
You didn't eat your potatoes.
See how good they are? Come on.
These are yummy.
Watch Mommy.
- See? - Good? Yeah they're good.
They're yummy.
Come on.
You like potatoes.
Look you haven't even touched your corn.
Hi Daddy.
How did it go? Please don't give up too much information.
How did the sonogram go? - Ray you are not gonna believe- - No no.
- You're giving it away right there.
- I didn't even say anything.
- You had that ¡°It's a girI¡± look on your face.
- I did not.
- See now you're telling me that it's a boy.
- Stop yelling.
You're making me hungry.
I'll stop yelling if you stop telling me what the baby is.
Just tell me is it healthy? - Yes.
- That's enough.
- You'll find out in four months.
- Thank you.
- So you're thinking of names now? - Yeah a little.
Are you thinking of names like Geoffrey? - Do you wanna know or not? - No.
Unless you can't rest untiI I know.
Ray come on.
Just come here.
- Should I? - Yes come on.
Sit down.
You know already right? Look at this okay? I don't know what the hell I'm looking at.
Okay let me show you your handiwork.
- There's a leg.
- Right.
That's another leg.
What's that in between? - Is that an arm? - It's not an arm.
You're damn right it's not an arm£¡ I knew it£¡ I knew it was a boy£¡ You did it bulbous.
This is unbelievable.
A girI would have been great too.
But it's a boy£¡ Wait come here.
I gotta tell you something else.
- I'm dizzy.
- Come here look.
There's his little something.
- Look at that£¡ - It's cute right? And then there is another little something.
What does that mean? It's twins Ray.
- What? - Two boys.
What right now? - In here? - Yeah.
Are you happy? This is unbelievable.
It's fantastic.
Somebody has to show me how to do a cartwheeI right now.
Don't look at me.
But how does that happen? Twins don't run in our family.
I'll bet it's because I switched to boxers.
- Did I kiss you already? - Yeah but you can- - Show me again.
- See? There's a little something and there's another little something.
Am I a man or what? In schooI they used to play keep-away with my hat.
- Look at me now£¡ - You showed them baby.
When you showed me two somethings twins didn't pop into my head.
For a second I thought my son was gonna make a living winning bar bets.
This is great£¡ This is so wonderfuI.
I've never seen you this way.
You've never given me twin sons before.
This is the greatest.
Everything I've ever wanted.
It's like I'm never gonna worry about anything ever again.
Oh no.
What are you talking about? You got everything you ever wanted.
Yeah but where are we gonna put it? - Here's a two-bedroom apartment in Elmont.
- Elmont? No.
Look here's the tri-state area.
Here's where my mom and dad live.
So anything within this circle is too close to my parents' house.
- Put that away.
They'll be here any minute.
- You're not listening.
If my mom can cook sauce and get it to our house before it's cold she's gonna be over every day.
We'll call this ¡°the hot zone.
¡± - I like her sauce.
- Let me finish please.
Now anything within this zone is gonna be about a once-a-week visit okay? Here farthest away.
Best zone right? Wrong.
'Cause if we move here and they visit they become overnight guests.
Okay so the middle zone is our target area.
It's too close for an overnight too far for sauce.
Speak for yourself because I have no problem with your parents.
Take it down.
Put it away.
You look fantastic.
I brought you some whole milk.
Ally needs more calcium now that she's walking.
That is so sweet.
Thank you so much.
Hi sweetheart.
There's Ally.
Let me get a few whiffs from the fountain of youth.
There it is.
I'm sucking in the youth.
There's the magic.
Dad you're slobbering.
Come on leave him alone.
He's cute.
Get the door cutie.
- Hey everybody.
- Hey Robert.
- Where's Joanne? - She's not coming.
We had a fight.
What's the matter? She catch you smiling? We're glad you're here Robert because we have some news.
- Let me tell them.
- What is it? Sit down.
Debra went for her sonogram today.
- What are we having? - Take a guess.
Well you already have a girI so with Raymond's luck I'm guessing a boy? No.
A girI? You're having another girI? You're gonna have two girls.
- It's twin boys.
- Oh my God£¡ Two sons£¡It's a dynasty£¡ Well look at Raymond go.
Isn't it incredible? Incredible.
Honey how are you? How do you feeI? You hungry? Want me to make you something? No I'm okay.
- You should eat whatever you want.
- Believe me she is.
If a pregnant woman craves something and doesn't get it the baby is born with a birthmark shaped just like that food.
That's why Ray has a big cannoli on his ass.
I'll bring you over a meatloaf tomorrow.
I would love that Marie but Ray and I gonna go look at some bigger apartments tomorrow.
Hey what's that? You're moving? Why don't you use your father? He still has his broker's license.
Yeah I got a little house that would be just perfect for you.
A house? Sure a house picket fence twin boys.
What a pretty picture.
I got a little exclusive that fell right into my lap.
Dad we're not looking for houses.
- Why not? - We can't afford it.
What afford? No money down.
No points.
Balloon at the end.
Siegfried and Roy will be out of schooI before you make your first payment.
Where is it? It's in a great neighborhood out on the Island.
Siegfried and Roy? It's a great place to raise kids.
- My God Ray we should look at it.
- Good schools.
Easy commute.
I guess it won't hurt to take a look at it.
It's wonderfuI.
And you'll never find better neighbors I mean than the couple that live across the street.
Who are they? - You're kidding.
- No.
- How about that yard? - It's nice.
Really big Frank.
Nothing more important in a kid's life than a big backyard.
Pitch a tent bury a cat.
- Remember Whiskers? - Yeah Dad.
Still in our yard if you want to pay your respects.
It's really a great house Frank.
Yeah and we're right across the street.
You know the three rules of reaI estate£º Location.
Yeah great location.
Why don't I talk to Debra for a minute or two? Okay you go ahead.
I'll just go upstairs and turn the lights off before we lock up.
Help yourself to coffee and doughnuts.
They're complimentary.
We might not have to move really.
We need a bigger place Ray.
We're having twins.
How big a place do they need? Look where they live now.
Can I ask you something? When are you gonna get over your parents? You don't understand what they're like.
They're gonna get you too.
I know what they're like Ray.
They're very nice people.
You only see them every other month.
It's not the same.
You know you're overreacting.
Completely overreacting.
- Close your eyes for a second.
- Why? Just close your eyes.
I wanna show you something.
- What are you doing? - See that's my mom and dad right there.
They're just a little annoying.
If I don't do that for another two months That's not too bad.
I could almost live with that.
When we move across the street from them How does this feeI? You see? They get you.
Look first of all your parents are not this okay? Secondly they are not gonna be over every day.
You poor blind fat lady.
This is not the house for us that's all.
We must keep looking.
I don't wanna keep looking.
Why? We can find something else just like this.
But this house is right by your parents'.
Oh my God.
Do you hear what you're saying? Tell me it's the hormones.
You've got twice the hormones going now.
You don't know what you're saying.
In four months we're gonna have three kids.
I'm gonna need all the help I can get.
Who better to help us than your parents? The deviI.
You remember how much work it was when Ally was born and you know no offense but you were you.
- All right I'll quit softball.
- Look at it Ray.
Your parents living across the street is the big selling point here.
Listen I know that you don't see it now but in time you'll come to realize what a blessing it is to have your family so close.
Come on Ray.
Our two boys.
Don't we wanna give them everything? Let's give them Grandma and Grandpa too.
Thank you£¡ I love you Ray.
Thank you so much.
My God£¡We found a house.
Guess what? We're taking it.
That's great.
You won't be sorry.
I'll tell you something else I just learned about this house.
That plumbing can take a punch.
Oh my God.
What did I do? - Pretty stupid huh? - I'll say.
- You know this was all your fault.
- Me? What did I know? I was carrying twins.
I had no blood in my brain.
Hey are my shorts dry yet? Listen sweetie the pot roast I did all I could.
It didn't make it.
But I brought you some ziti for your company.
You can tell them that you made it.
- Where do you want it Ma? - In there sweetie.
Just move things around.
These potatoes are no good.
What do you mean? We love these potatoes.
Look at this there's a potato for the- No don't give him that.
I'll make him some good potatoes.
So when we can afford to move where do you want to go? Well here's Earth your parents' planet.
Let's call this ¡°the hot zone.
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