Everybody Loves Raymond s02e01 Episode Script

Look who's here.
- Listen, I got to go, okay? I'm late.
- Okay.
- See you guys.
- Okay, bye.
- Bye, Dad.
- Bye.
- I'm late.
- Yeah, Ray, listen Ally drew a picture of our family and she wants to put it on the fridge.
Yeah, so? Look at it.
There's Ally and the twins, and there's you and me and look at your parents.
Oh, she made them giants.
Yeah.
With sharp teeth and claws.
Yeah, and they're attacking our house.
- Stop it.
I'm showing him.
- No, this way.
It goes this way.
She's very perceptive.
We can't put this on the fridge.
Your parents are going to see it.
Do you like my picture, Daddy? Yes, I do, sweetie.
Honey, how come you made Grandma and Grandpa look so scary? That's not Grandma and Grandpa.
Those are Halloween monsters.
Oh.
Okay.
Grandma and Grandpa aren't monsters.
- Youth.
- Yeah.
Hi, I'm Ray, and I live here in Long Island with my wife, Debra my 6-year-old daughter and twin 2-year old boys.
My parents live across the street.
That's right.
And my brother lives with them.
Now, not every family would defy gravity for you but mine would because Everybody loves Raymond.
Hey, you didn't They've got to call in there.
There's no way they'll get it.
So none of these are reaI massages? Andy, why would a reaI masseuse have a black bar across her eyes? You know why? The black matches her whip.
- So all of this is sex? - Yes, it's sex! And these prices are very reasonable.
Press box.
Yeah, hold on one second.
- Kevin, it's Roy Firestone.
- Roy's calling.
Roy's calling.
I'm on TV with Roy.
Roy Firestone.
- You're not a little jealous, are you? - No, I'm not jealous.
So Kevin does the play-by-play for the Mets and I'm just his humpbacked staff guy.
You know what? Without me, he wouldn't know what to say.
He'd open up his mouth, and meat would fall out.
Thank you.
I'll tell him now.
All right, Roy.
You know who that was? That was Roy freaking Firestone.
Did he ask you to a sleepover? You, my friend, are going to be on TV.
Me? What are you talking about? Harvey Johnson's taking a vacation and Roy wants you to fill in with us on Sportscall with Roy Firestone.
Get outta here.
Come on, I don't know TV.
- I'm a sportswriter.
- Roy specifically asked for a newspaper guy.
Or a Chinese person.
Wait a minute, that's a live TV show.
It's 30 minutes.
It's the easiest money ever made.
Easier than the $40 he got when you couldn't do seven pushups? It was ten, Andy.
I couldn't do ten pushups.
It doesn't matter because you stopped after two.
So you're in, right? I don't know.
Come on, I gotta think it over.
- I got to let him know tonight, Ray.
- Roy wants me? - Come on, he knows who I am? - Everybody knows who you are.
You know sports.
You get to the heart, the poetry that is sports.
I'm having the stomach that is nauseous.
- You're sure he knows me? - Yes! - He read my stuff? - He knows it all, come on! - You think I'll do all right on air? - You're going to do great.
- All right, I'll do it.
- Yeah! That's the man I know.
- Man, I got to call Debra.
- Look at you.
- Debra's going to flip when she hears this.
- TV big shot.
Hi.
Hi, MichaeI.
MichaeI answered the phone.
- His first time, he's never done that.
- First time.
What is he, 14 now, Ray? He's two.
Yeah, hi, it's Daddy.
No, I know Daddy's not home.
I'm Daddy.
No, I'm Daddy! Yeah, is Mommy Hello? No, don't go get Daddy! He dropped the phone! Is somebody there? Is somebody there to pick up the phone? Debra? I hear you, Debra.
You're walking right by the phone.
Look down! Look down, Debra! I'm in the phone! You know what my mother did? She sent fliers out all over the neighborhood.
My father told everybody at the Elks.
Give me some tips, man.
Tell me something.
Just make love to the camera, Ray.
- What do you say, fellas? - Good to see you.
- You all know James Worthy.
- James, good to see you.
- Ray, good to see you again.
- You all ready for the big show? I guess so.
I don't do TV much.
Ever.
First time.
- I got some butterflies going.
- I don't get the butterflies.
I just throw up before every live show.
- We're live in 30 seconds.
- Wait, I didn't throw up yet.
How do you sit? Do you cross your legs much? I don't, but I can't.
Okay, everybody, stand by.
In 5, 4, 3, 2 - Listen, can I get - Hello there, everybody I'm Roy Firestone, and this is Sportscall.
Our guest all this week from the great Laker championship team is Mr.
James Worthy.
And as always, the radio voice of the New York Mets Mr.
Kevin Daniels.
Good to see you, Kev.
Roy.
James.
How are you, folks? And a brand-new face from Newsday, a fine columnist, Mr.
Ray Barone.
- Good to see you, Ray.
- Howdy.
Our subject tonight: athletes and steroids.
As you might know, there's an increasing use of steroids among amateur athletes.
Ray, you wrote a very interesting piece about that.
Yes, I did, Roy.
Why don't you tell us about that, Ray? It's a growing problem.
Steroids.
Right.
I'd say it's even gotten to be a bit of a Epidemic? No, it's not an epidemic.
It's out of controI.
It's kinda like a - epidemic.
- Epidemic, yeah, that's right.
What they did was they took a group of Olympic athletes and they axed them if using steroids would guarantee you a gold medaI but would also kill you in five years, would you still do it? - Wow.
Really? - That's alarming.
I really enjoyed the piece.
A terrific piece.
You did a great job Oh, thanks.
Thanks, Roy.
When a program succeeds like that a lot of that stuffjust gets swept right under the rug.
- Right.
- Yeah.
And what's going to happen is that it's later that these kids are going to realize that they've made a horrible mistake, you know.
They don't realize it at first but what happens is, they're sacrificing what once, you know, was the ideaI.
The ideaI to achieve the American dream - Hello.
- Hooray! What's going on? - I'm capturing the moment.
- All right, come on, cut it out.
- Ready, action shot! - Hooray for Ray! Let me be the first one to hug my big TV star.
- Oh, please.
- Hey, Frank, take a picture.
They should give you the show.
You're better than that other guy.
- Kevin? - No, the other one.
- The one who was acting like the boss.
- Roy Firestone? - You were the whole show! - Come on.
Now you got television.
Way to go.
Yeah, I felt a little awkward there - You'd never know.
- Here's James Worthy listening to you talk.
- You took pictures of me on the television.
- Sure.
How often is my son on the tube? I was on when we busted John Gotti.
Yes, but you didn't have any lines, dear.
- So what did you think? - You were great.
- What did they say at the show? - I think they liked me.
- Of course they liked you.
- It was like watching Joe Garagiola.
This one is Roy smiling at something I said right there.
I remember when he did that.
I saw that.
That was great.
They liked you.
Oh, God, yeah, all right, come on! It's a TV show, that's all it is.
We could blow that one up.
That one could get me in.
Ray! - I was just talking to Kevin - Look at this.
Ally drew another picture of our family and she still says that these monsters aren't your parents.
All right.
So maybe they're not.
Ray, this one is bald, and this one's carrying a covered dish.
You know what? Save that.
Someday a therapist may want to see it.
Listen, I was just talking to Kevin and Harvey Johnson's going to be out again tomorrow so they want me to do the show again.
I thought it was just a one-time deaI.
Things went pretty well there.
Everybody seemed to like it, so I figured, why not? Hey, great.
Yeah, that's really great.
- What? - Nothing.
- You're pursing your lips.
What's wrong? - I'm not pursing.
What? No.
Okay.
Okay, it's just maybe before the next show, you could just practice a few words you kind of had just a little bit of trouble saying.
- Like what? What are you talking about? - No, don't get so excited.
- This is not a big deaI.
- Come on, I'm going to be on television.
Okay, look.
Asterisk.
You were talking about some record that had an asterisk next to it Yeah.
Asterisk.
Well, come on.
Asterix.
Asterix.
- I said "asterix" on television! - That's ok.
No, it's ok.
- Just "asterisk.
" - Asterix.
- Asterisk.
- Asterix.
- Aster - Shut up.
I know! - Stop showing off.
- All right.
Sorry.
You know what? It'd be easier if you just break it into two parts.
Aster, risk.
Aster, risk.
- Asterisk.
- Asterix.
Nobody even cares.
Next time that word comes up, maybe just say - little star.
- What else? What other words? Well - you're asking me, right? - Yeah? - You're asking me.
- Yeah.
What are you doing? I'm axing you.
- Yeah, ask.
Sometimes you say - Ax.
Ax, oh, man! No, honey, come on.
You just got to practice those words.
Just practice those words.
Why didn't you tell me this? You should've told me the first time I axed you something.
I never thought you were going to be on television.
You know what we could do? Let's put them all in a sentence.
Say: "I asked you to put the asterisk with the cinnamon.
" Cinnamom.
Cinnamom.
Oh, my God, I'm a monkey.
Did I say cinnamom on the show? No, it's just a good thing to know for when we're at the IHOP.
Come on, "I asked you to put the asterisk with the cinnamon.
" - I asked you - Good.
to put the asterisk with the cinnamom.
All right, you know what? No more IHOP.
Ray, it's just those couple of words, that's all.
- You were really You were great.
- You told me.
I believed you.
- No, really, honey, you were terrific.
- Oh, don't.
Sorry I axed.
- Hi.
- Hi, dear, you hungry? - No.
- Sit down, I'll make you a sandwich.
- Ally gave you one of her paintings? - Yeah.
Look how big we are compared to the rest of the family.
Yeah, that's great.
Listen.
You guys ever notice that I say certain words funny? What do you mean? Like "glockenspieI" or "tushy"? Not funny words, Dad.
Do I mispronounce words? I'm just asking.
I think you speak beautifully, dear.
Why? What's wrong? Debra thought I had trouble on the show last night with certain words.
That's ridiculous.
It sounds like she's being a little nitpicky.
Yeah? So you really think I was all right last night? - Yeah.
- Oh, good.
- 'Cause I'm going to do it again tonight.
- They want you back? What does that mean? Nothing.
It's just that we thought it was over.
So you did notice the words.
Listen, you got bigger problems than your little words there.
Like what? Like scratching the microphone.
Nobody could hear what the hell was going on! At least the scratching kept him from waving his hands around like he was landing planes.
- The microphone was much worse.
- No.
It seemed like he'd never been on television before.
He's never been on television, but he's had his hands his whole life.
The microphone was much more annoying! Ray, which is more annoying? This or this? I did that? Yeah.
Now that you mention it, your voice was kind of monotonous.
I didn't mention that.
You tended to drone on and on, dear.
It was very off-putting.
- Oh, my God! - You see? Like that.
Most people would say, "My God!" You got to try and make your voice go up and down more.
High and low.
I would absolutely love a nice dill pickle.
Pickle, Marie.
Okay, so let me get this straight, Dad.
Everything you said after the show last night was a lie and behind my back, you've been talking about how bad I was.
You think I stunk.
You think I stunk! What difference does it make what we think? They asked you back! Keep in mind the things we told you because I got to see people during the day.
Oh, my God.
The supermarket.
You lie to me.
You lie to me, and you do it so well! How long has this been going on? Three weeks.
Look at you.
Oh, my God! You've been Iying to me my whole life, haven't you? "Raymond, you're such a great writer, you could've been writing poetry.
" How about in high schooI, Ma? "Don't worry, the girls don't know what they're missing.
" They knew! They knew, and they didn't miss it.
How about this, Ma? Were you Iying when you said: "The day you were born was the happiest day of our lives.
" No.
That's true.
It was.
Don't eat that now, Robert.
- What's going on? - They've been Iying to us our whole lives.
Every time they ever tried to make us feeI good about ourselves.
When did that happen to me? Honey, I'm sure we lied to you plenty of times.
You got to get your own place, man.
Don't be silly.
We love having you here.
Oh, my God! Ray, we told you, you were a good writer so that you would think you were a good writer, see? Then somebody gave you a job.
That's what parents do.
They all lie to their kids for their own good.
Other parents aren't Iying, Ma.
They believe in their children.
No, they don't.
Well, that's it, okay? No more lies, all right? - Don't help me anymore.
- That was good.
High and low.
Use that on the show tonight.
Oh, my God, I can't believe I got to do a show now.
You'll be wonderfuI, dear.
Please, no more lies.
They say that because the pros can hit it so far that they should lengthen the length of all the courses, and you know, I know I'm probably droning on here but what about tradition? There's always tradition and history and stuff, and I know I support the changes in baseball, but look, let me ax, ask you something here.
Sports sometimes should adopt, adapt adapt and grow, but aren't there times that a sport shouldn't adopt, adapt and not grow.
Probably not grow.
Oh, hi, honey.
It didn't go very well, did it? Not your best moment there, Raymond.
- What are you doing? - We're being honest.
You said that's what you wanted.
I could've eaten a box of Alpha-Bits and crapped a better interview.
Well, what did you think? Honey, I begged you to say "little star.
" It was even worse than last time.
You made me hate TV.
Want me to play it back for you, Raymond? All right.
Come on, I want you to be honest, but it couldn't have been all bad.
Dad, I made my voice go high and low like you said.
That didn't work.
What about my little Steinbrenner joke? It wasn't funny.
It's not nice to hurt other people's feelings.
- Well, what about this? - This is funny.
All right, come on.
It could've been There had to be something there.
I sat there, and Come on.
Come on! - I thought there were a lot of good things.
- Yeah? Like, those other guys are so polished and professionaI, and you were really human.
But what about what I said, though? Did it make sense? Oh, yes.
Yeah.
I got some of it.
- So I mean, it wasn't a totaI disaster.
- Not at all.
How many totaI disasters are there? Ray, the fact that you could go on live television with such little experience.
That really says a lot.
You were great, dear.
At least I tried it, right? I mean, it's better to try than to - not try.
- Yes! You got to get in there.
Try new things - expand your experiences.
You were so - Okay! Thanks.
Better than Broadway.
I got some makeup on.
I'm going to take the makeup off and then I'll come back.
Okay, yeah.
You were so good.
I bet they have you back on again.
- I'm sure they will.
- Yeah.
It's all about you, Raymond.
Robert.
I don't think that was a totaI disaster.
Well, how many totaI disasters are there?