Everybody Loves Raymond s03e06 Episode Script

Halloween Candy

Okay, how 'bout this? We're on a private jet, right? And all the passengers, they're asleep.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And I'm the captain and you're the flight attendant.
Hello, vicky.
Who's vicky? You are.
- Why can't I just be me? - All right.
Okay, all right.
Fine, fine.
You're you.
Hello, Debbie.
Boy, I usually don't cramp up when I fly, but maybe you could take off your clothes and rub my neck a little.
Okay, wait, Ray Ray, can you just be you? I can't be me.
I don't know how to fly this thing.
Just forget the airplane.
I just want to be here in our bedroom with you.
What kind of pervert are you? - Oh, no.
- What, what no? Everything's locked, turned off or asleep.
No, no.
I just remembered, I think I'm out of stuff.
- Stuff? - Yeah.
There might be a tube of it - around here somewhere.
- Tube? A tube.
Yes, a tube.
Unless you want to be a father again, - look for the tube.
- Well where what does it look like? It's been so long, it's probably expired.
Come on, everything was going so well.
I was home, you were awake.
- Got it, got it! - You got it? Got it.
- Yes.
- Ray, this is sunblock.
Now, we're on a beach right? Yeah.
You're the rich society I'm Juan, the cabana boy.
Wow, did you do that yourself? They're coming! Nice going.
What's that supposed to mean? I mean running out of the stuff.
Way to go.
So, you're blaming me? Well, what? You're the one who's in charge of the stuff.
Well, why do I always have to be in charge? Why don't you go to the drugstore and get some things? Things.
You know I don't like the things.
Well, I don't like the stuff.
I don't even like to buy the things.
Especially if there's a lady cashier.
I feel I feel all dirty.
Like, "Hey, hey! Guess what I'm gonna be doing later?" Maybe.
If I can get all the kids to sleep and if the moon and the stars all line up.
Well, there is another option, you know? - Well, what? - We discussed it.
- A little snip, snip.
- Hey.
Hey! Ow! No! Watch with that kind of talk, huh? He can hear you.
Don't listen to the crazy lady, okay? Don't no snip, snip.
No snip, snip.
Why don't you tell your partner, that it might be in his best interest to take over this little responsibility? He might get out more often.
What are you saying there? I'm just saying that if I wasn't in charge of absolutely everything, I might, theoretically, be more inclined to more often.
But now if we were to do something this drastic, we might need something in writing.
Well I can't give you any guarantees, but My my client is going to need some assurances here.
I'm sure we can reach a satisfying arrangement.
Why don't you two discuss it? Yeah, I'll bring it up at the next meeting.
Relax, I know what I'm doing.
Hey, Ray.
Happy Halloween.
H- hey, Nemo.
It's good for business.
And stop undressing me with your eyes.
- 'Scuse me.
- All right, yeah.
Oh, hey, huh? Welcome to hell.
I'll be right with you.
- Hey, hey, Ray.
- Hey.
What's up? Sit down.
We're waiting to see what Angelina's wearing.
- Oh, yeah.
- Remember last year's bunny outfit? Remember? I couldn't drive home.
Hi, guys.
I'll be with you in one minute.
Please whack me with your ruler, Sister Mary Wowie-wow-wow-wow! Andy, she's gonna spit in our food.
- Can I take your order? - Sure.
And then I'd like to join your order.
I'm sorry.
We're gonna leave you a really nice tip, okay? You know how you tip a nun? You wait till she genuflects, and then you push! Come on! So, you guys want your usual? - Yeah, that'd be great.
- Just give me a ginger ale.
- I gotta go.
- Okay.
Where you going so fast? I got a little doctor appointment.
You okay? Yeah, no, I'm all right.
It's just a it's a little procedure.
Rubber glove, right? No.
No glove.
He doesn't use a glove? It's not that, all right? Just come on.
Can I have a little privacy here? Yeah, sure, sure.
I understand.
Well, I don't.
I mean, why are we hiding things? We're best friends.
I read you my poetry.
All right, I'm getting a vasectomy.
- vasectomy? - Mm-hm.
What rhymes with vasectomy? You're getting a vasectomy? - Come on.
- vasectomy? - very courageous, Raymond.
- Thank you, Sister.
There once was a man from Schenectady, huh? Is Debra okay with this? Okay? She came at me with a pair of scissors.
Hey, Ray, I heard you were cutting the wires.
Oh, come on.
I just wanna tell you it's great.
- You had one? - Oh, yeah.
You're gonna get love like you never got love before.
Was he flirting with me? Here you go.
All right, guys, listen.
- Thanks for your advice and all that.
- Ray, let me just say one word, okay? Paplowski.
What? Paplowski.
Guy on my squad.
We went through the academy together.
Had a great future.
And then he got fixed.
He was never the same.
What do you mean? Well, let's just say, after the procedure, he had trouble saluting the captain.
- Saluting the captain? - Yeah.
He could protect, but he could not serve.
- Really? - Yeah.
Completely messed up his head, you know? Never got over the fact that he was firing blanks.
Last time I saw the guy he was working security at the mall.
The poor bastard.
I don't wanna work at the mall.
Just thought I'd give you something to think about.
We're gonna have to have another meeting.
Oh, you're back.
Oh, Ray.
I feel terrible.
I wish you would've let me go to the doctor with you.
Are you okay, hmm? - I'm fine.
- Oh, Ray.
Gonna be sore for a little while.
- No, come on.
- I didn't do it.
- Why not, what happened? - Well - there are some risks.
- There are? Yeah, I was talking to the guys at Nemo's - Oh, the guys at Nemo's.
- Well Brilliant medical minds.
How did you get an appointment? All right, look, I changed my mind about mutilating myself, but I'm not a complete coward.
- There you go.
- What? Yeah.
Are these Things.
I got the things.
You did! - Uh-huh.
- These are things? Whoo! What's with all the fancy colors? Well, it's Halloween.
He wants to dress up too.
Wow! I can't believe that you bought these.
I told the lady I said, "Hey give me the rainbow pack, lady.
And whatever you're thinking, that's right! Yeah! And I'm going to be a regular here, so just keep the tab open.
" - You didn't say that.
- I did.
I said that and then I punched out a stock-boy and kicked over the Sucrets rack.
Well, I'm proud of you.
And you listen up here, sweet sister.
From now on, all this? This is it's all my responsibility, okay? You don't think about it.
Not at all.
Okay? I do it all.
I take your ticket, I show you to your seat.
- Yeah, yeah? - It's all me.
So you just, you know, clear your mind - Mm-hm? - and your schedule and give Popeye some spinach.
Mm, you got it.
Right after trick-or-treating.
And the kids fall asleep.
But, I'm thinking it could all happen by 9:30.
- Yeah? All right.
- Yeah.
- And then Sports Center at 10:00.
- Well well, I might not be done with you by 10:00.
Well, could we start at 9:15? 'Cause I really want to watch - Mommy, I'm ready for my wings.
- Hey! Ally, my little angel girl.
Okay, come on.
Let's go put your wings on, okay? See? Every time you buy the things, another angel gets her wings.
Come on.
Everybody say cavities.
Cavities! Frankenstein! Hungry! Eat children! Come on, Dad.
Every year the same thing? Your bolts are rusting.
Frank? Frank.
Give me give me back the candy I need them.
Now I mean it.
It's for the children! Please, come on, I don't have enough candy.
Stop being foolish.
I I don't have enough candy! You think that's so different from who you really are? Doctor make bad bride! Frankenstein sue doctor! Okay, come on, let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Hey, Frank.
What's with the hat? I'm a stewardess.
Any any chance of pre-boarding? trick-or-treating.
All right.
Come on, guys.
Yeah, thanks for holding down the fort, Frank.
Hey, you still got the naked channel? Yeah, but it's all scrambled.
I don't mind.
- Where's your costume? - This is it.
I'm going as the guy who can't wait for 9:30.
Trick or treat! He scared me! It's okay.
What is wrong with you, scaring children like that? I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry.
Look, look.
I'm not scary! See? He scared me! Okay, you like candy? I got lots of candy.
Here, here.
Here we go.
Here you go.
There you go.
There you go.
- I want some! - You get some candy, too.
There you go.
There you go.
Okay, don't toilet paper the house, okay? My son's a cop! Boo! - Wow, that's a lot of candy, huh? - Yeah! - That should be enough for tonight.
- No.
No! Honey, we've only been to four houses, come on.
All right! Come on, come on, come on.
Trick or treat! Sorry, Frankenstein's House of Tooth Decay is closed.
Well, what can I say? All right, all right.
Here, here.
There you go.
Frankenstein sucks.
Frankenstein sucks! Frankenstein sucks! Frankenstein sucks! Frankenstein no suck.
All right, all right.
Candy, candy, candy.
Here we go! - Trick or treat.
- Trick or treat! Sweet dears.
You look terrible.
You look like a cupcake.
Thank you.
Come on in.
You know, Marie, we really gotta go, 'cause we gotta put the kids down.
Put 'em down here, honey.
They could spend the night.
- Could we, Mommy? - No, honey.
Marie, we really That's a great idea, Ma.
No, that's good! You kids, you wanna spend the night, right? - Yes.
See there? - With Grandma? Yeah.
- Grandma's got lots of candy.
- Yeah! Come on.
Come on.
Here, here, look.
Go get it, go get it.
- That's very clever.
- Yes.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have clearance from the tower.
Please, enjoy your flight! You made it just in time, kid.
The last one.
I almost ate it myself.
Thanks, Frankenstein.
Hey, it's Dracula.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, Frank.
Where are the kids? Oh, they're going to spend the night at your house.
You know, you didn't leave me enough candy.
Really? 'Cause that bowl was full.
I almost had a riot on my hands.
Good thing I found those chocolate coins you left in the cupboard.
Chocolate coins? Chocolate coins in brightly colored wrappers, Ray.
The things? - You gave out the things? - Yeah.
Yeah, so what? So?! You don't go into somebody's house and go in their cabinets and take their things and give 'em out, you maniac! It's Halloween.
You gotta give the kids what they want! What's going on here? I'm getting complaints about the treats coming from this house.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Ray, the neighbors! We're gonna have to move now.
What, what? Were you saving them for something? Yes! - As a matter of fact, yes! - All right, Ray.
The things, Debra.
We have no more things! Dracula! Dracula!! I don't get it.
What's the big deal? What's the big deal? You are sick.
And again, we are very sorry, Jean.
No, no, no.
It was not no it was not a political statement.
Well, it's just it was just my father-in-law.
Yeah, and I'm sorry.
Believe me, I'm sorry.
Okay, bye-bye.
Don't go to sleep, don't go to sleep.
- Got it.
- You got it? Got it, got it, got it.
I had to go through until I found the right one.
And then I bought it off him.
Did he know what he had? No, but I didn't want to get him suspicious, so I also bought a popcorn ball, a marshmallow ghost and a box of raisins.
Do you know how many parents I've had to talk to tonight? Well, if it's more than two dozen, then we're not the only ones giving out the things.
No, now people are gonna think oh God.
- What? - That we're having wild sex.
Well as long as they're gonna think it.
How can you still want to? - Hey, hey.
- Come on.
Whoa, whoa.
Let's let's remember why we did all this, huh? Look, I know it's easy to get distracted by all these little distractions here, but we gotta keep our eye on the prize, there.
I have a dream! There.
There's the smile.
There's the kiss.
All right.
- There's my client.
- Oh.
- Oh, no.
- What's the matter? Chocolate?! Trick or treat.
Hey! Captain Hook! Did you get any candy from Frankenstein? No, no, honey.
Come on, stay awake.
Stay awake.
Get up.
That's it.
Bright eyed.
Come on, bushy tailed, let's go.
No, no, stay awake.
Let's sing.
& John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt! & Hey, you Nixon! Did you get any candy from Frankenstein? Hey! I know where you live, Casper! No, no, no! No, honey, come on.
Come on.
I hate Halloween! Eh, Sports Center.

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