Everybody Loves Raymond s03e16 Episode Script

Frank's Tribute

What is it? What happened? It just never stops with your father.
What'd he do? He was voted Man of the Year.
Man of the Year? What has happened to "Time" magazine? No, no.
At his lodge.
What has happened to his lodge? Oh, they're so stupid.
Women aren't even allowed near the place.
Until they want one of us to arrange a tribute or something.
- Tribute? - Yeah.
- And we gotta go? - Mm-hm.
I got dibs on I'm sick that night.
You do some cop overtime at work monkey on a bus somewhere, yeah.
No, no.
I want to go.
It's an honor to be son of Man of the Year.
I don't even want to be brother of guy who wants to be son of Man of the Year.
No, Robert has the right attitude.
This is a big deal for your father.
And I want nothing to do with it.
What do you mean? Thought you had to organize the whole thing.
- Oh, no! - Oh, yes.
You two are gonna do this.
Your father's very excited.
He's already bothering me about it.
Dad knows about this? They don't surprise the Man of the Year anymore.
That's how they lost the last Man of the Year.
Come on, cubby, we'll do it together.
It will be nice for Dad.
What do we have to do, Mom? - Come on, you tell me.
- Okay.
The guy said something about a presentation - or some prepared remarks.
- What guy? I don't know.
The Grand High Idiot.
All right, Raymond, sit down, you're doing this.
- You could do a song.
- Yeah.
You know that one number I've always loved? From "South Pacific" where the guy wears the grass skirt and the coconut bra? Yeah! What do you do in that apartment? Hello, family.
I believe you're in the Chair of the Year.
Congratulations, Dad! I think it's great! Thank you.
But you know I'm just a simple man who tried to make a difference.
I still put my pants on one leg at a time.
Yeah, and when can we look forward to that? Well, this lodge hasn't changed since we were kids.
Why would children come here? I think we were here for a Christmas party.
Sure it wasn't to collect smells? - Help you, young fellas? - We're here for the Man of the Year.
- We're working on our tribute.
- Hey, if you're doing a skit, dress like broads.
That always goes over big.
"South Pacific.
" Yeah, we're doing a video.
We're doing a video.
Yeah, we're just putting together like a testimonial; Tape some of the members talking about my father.
Yeah, well, you could do that.
You'll find the guys out by the pool.
But I gotta tell you a little lipstick and some falsies and we're all yours.
Hey, nice pool.
What a great hang-out.
- Let's talk to this guy over here.
- Excuse me, sir.
- Could we talk to you for a second? - Sure.
Uh, we'd like to ask you some questions about Frank Barone.
Number one: Why aren't you wearing a bathing suit? It's obviously lodge policy.
It's tradition.
- Maybe we shouldn't film in here? - No, no, it's fine.
I'll tell you what, I'm gonna set up right here.
State your name and Raymond here is gonna interview you, all right? No, listen.
I don't want to interview.
Let me hold the camera.
Come on, Ray.
Can't you see the guy's getting cold? All right.
Here we go.
Uh, I don't know.
Action! All right, I'm here with, uh I'm here with, what'd you say your name was? Abe Warchizer.
But everybody calls me Bullethead.
All right Bullethead, uh just tell us why you like Frank Barone? I don't like Frank Barone.
Can I get back in the pool now? Yeah, please.
That's gotta hurt.
Jeez, he doesn't like Dad.
You're worried about what Bullethead thinks? Excuse me, sir.
- You know Frank Barone, right? - What of it? We're doing a tribute.
You guys elected him Man of the Year.
We're down to him? Maybe these guys don't know Dad so well.
Yeah, maybe they do.
Hey look! There's his friends from poker.
Hey Garvin, Stan! Hey, Robert! Hey, Ray's here! Hey, Garvin, hi.
How are you? Hi, Stan.
Hey, Ray, what's going on with the video? Well, it's for Dad's tribute.
This is perfect.
You guys can do it together, okay? Ready, Ray? And action! It's rolling? Yeah, okay, all right.
We're here with Garvin Hey, Frank! You owe me 50 bucks! You gave me your word! I ain't heard from you since! You've been ducking me for a year and a half! You hear me?! How about the dent you put in my car! You told me it wasn't you! I have eyewitnesses! And I have a bill! I wish I had pockets 'cause I'd carry it with me! Wait right here! You're a liar! A liar! You hear me? Liar! Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey Ray, it's really nice to see you again, you know? Take care there, buddy! Hey, say hi to your mom! What are we going to do? I don't know.
Maybe we can piece something together in editing, you know? Excuse me, guys.
Just start rolling.
Hi, uh, we just want to ask a few questions if you don't mind.
Uh how do you feel about chocolate? - Really good.
- My favorite.
Always delicious.
- Sure, I like - Frank Barone.
- I can't get enough.
- It's my favorite.
- My wife goes nuts for - Frank Barone.
A wonderful gift.
- Who doesn't like - Frank Barone.
- Come on, Dad.
What are you doing? - That was a tribute? - What, you didn't like it? - It was stupid! And it was so short! Yeah, well, we kinda went with a fast MTv kind of editing.
Well I didn't get it! And what's with Correlli saying he likes me hot with marshmallows? - I told you to get rid of that! - It was cute! Why don't you go back in there with Debra and the kids - and enjoy your free steak? - Frank, what are you doing? Come on, we're going home.
What are you talking about? This is your big night! It's not so big anymore.
Let's go.
You didn't even finish your steak.
I'm not hungry! Should've dressed like broads! Would you stop? The boys did nothing wrong.
You wanted them to make you a tribute, they made you a tribute.
I can't wait for my eulogy! You still don't walk out on an evening your sons planned for you.
Tom Trevonyak got a tribute that lasted 37 minutes! The guys made a whole video on his life with big speeches and laughs and how much they love him.
And they did a big, wonderful music thing where they all dressed up like broads.
Well Robbie was ready to dress up.
That stunk, what they did! All right? I know a tribute! They're not welcomed in this house anymore! - Oh, really? - That's correct! - So they let you down? - Yes! - What about your buddies at the lodge? - What about them! Don't you think if they had said something great that Raymond and Robbie would have put it in? Isn't that what's really bothering you? & I've got pickles for toes & & And a rutabaga nose & Frank, what are you doing? I'm watching.
& Sassafras hair and a melon under there & Come on.
Shut that off, please.
Quiet! I can't hear.
Would you shut it, Frank? & I'm the veggie wedge man and you can eat me, try my hand.
& Stupid crap! You know what? I'm quitting that lodge.
- Good.
- What do you mean, good? It's a stupid lodge.
It's full of crotchety old men who think the greatest luxury in life is sweating naked and coughing.
And all you ever do is complain about them.
Well why didn't you say something before? It gets you out of the house.
Come on.
Let's go to bed.
- Hey.
- What? What what would you say? What? What would you say in a tribute? What do you mean? What would you say in a tribute to me? Well, I don't know, Frank.
They didn't ask me.
I would say he's been my husband for 42 years.
That we have two wonderful boys together and three beautiful grandchildren.
Isn't that right? That's it? Let me finish.
And that he's always been there for us and been a good provider.
And that even though we squabble every now and then, I know that he's the one for me.
And whatever I did to deserve him, I'll live with.
I like that! With the humor, yeah.
Now, can I ask you something? - Come on, let's go to bed.
- No, no, come on, Frank! We were talking! - I'm tired.
I'm going to bed.
- Oh, sure! Now you got what you needed from me and now you're going to sleep.
What else is new? What do you want? I want to have a conversation, Frank.
I want to talk to you.
Is that asking so much? I know where this is going.
Here, here.
Sit down here, please.
How much talking can a guy take? Thank you.
Now What would your tribute for me be? - Well? - This is stupid.
It wasn't stupid when you just asked me! Yes it was! I know realize how stupid it was! Well I gave you a very lovely and generous answer, didn't I? Well didn't I? All right! What are you getting ready for? I'm not anointing you here.
Well, it isn't every day you say nice things about me.
Well it's not every day that you force me! Oh, stop it, Frank! Come on! What were you going to say? - Sometimes you spit when you talk.
- Oh, that's it!! - That's it! - Hey, what did I say! Come on! You're the one for me! You want to know why people don't love you, Frank? You want to know? You offer them nothing.
That's right.
You have to give love, Frank, to get it.
And you have never ever been willing to do that! You just take and take and take and expect everybody to accept your obnoxious horse's ass of a personality! And everybody has to put up with it because it's you! You know what the sad part is? You are surrounded by family who happen to love you anyway.
And you push them away.
You push us all away.
You don't have to push anymore.
You're not gonna talk to me about this? Frank?! This is not a marriage, Frank! A marriage is two people sharing things, talking! And if they have a problem, they talk about it! You don't just sit there and wait for the other one to go away! Anything you'll find anywhere else.
Did someone say sandwiches? Yes! Oh.
We're gonna talk about this.
Oh crap! - Jeez! - Oh, stop it, Frank! A guy wants to go to bed, he gets attacked by a kabuki.
Oh, stop it! All right.
Now you talk to me.
All right.
Look, I, uh know the boys did their best.
I know, uh it's my own stupid fault people aren't crazy about me and I'm sorry to everybody.
You're just saying that so I'll leave you alone.
You still can't think of anything nice to say about me? How about I sleep on it? It's all jokes.
Frank, what are you doing? No, no, I need that.
Frank! Fr I like you better without the crap on your face.
Okay? You should try and say something like that to me every day.
I'll try.
Hey, uh What? Well, I am Man of the Year.
Yes, you are.
And I'm looking to move up from Man Once a Year.
See? With the humor.
Want to go to bed? I just, uh Oh, honey, what? You didn't do anything wrong.
I liked that tribute.
Made me hungry.
I don't know.
Maybe I should apologize.
I you know what? We'll all feel better if I just call.
- What, are they not home? - I don't know.
Nobody's answering.
Hello! Yeah, Dad? Are you okay? Yeah.
No, I just I wanna about the tribute.
- Do you know what time it is?! - All right! Okay! I just I didn't all right, okay, sorry.
What's he calling now for? I don't know.
You know, sometimes I wish they didn't live across the street.

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