Everybody Loves Raymond s04e17 Episode Script


Hey, how much longer we gotta help out with this thing? Ray, all the parents have to do their time.
Come on, you don't see Bill Parker complaining.
Oh, Bill Parker.
Look-At-Me-I'm-King- of-the-Carnival.
Oh, come on.
He's doing it for the school.
He's a good father.
What, he's a better father than me? Is that what you're saying? I'm not a good father? Wanna be a good father? Go help out in the childcare room.
I'll go.
They got a TV in there? - Hey, Barone, what happened? - Oh.
- What are you doing? - Hey, Parker, I'm just doing this.
Hey hey, gimme that.
I can do that, thank you very much.
- You got it? - Yes.
We're ready to finish the booth frames.
I could use some muscle.
Let's rock.
I'll be back to check on those, and they better be spot-free, okay? This isn't like home, where I let that stuff slide.
Hey hey! Come on! My ankles.
You wet my ankles.
What's wrong with you? That's toxic, that stuff.
That sinks right through the socks and into the skin.
I like to bust her chops, keep her in line.
All right, Barone, see if you can fasten it.
All right.
All right, Parker.
It's just fastening, right? Not like we're doing rocket ah, oh! Oh! Mother of ugly! Again? You okay there? Yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Mammy! Maybe you should do something a little less strenuous.
How about stenciling with the ladies? No no.
I don't have to do stenciling.
I can do this.
The only reason I cut myself is I'm used to working - to working with the big tools.
- Right.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hey, Tyler.
- Look at all my new Hackidu cards.
You can't believe how they love the Hackidu.
I can believe anything you can, probably more.
We traded, Dad.
Let's see what you have there, son.
Ooh, Venipod, Rain Wiffle, E-Jazz.
Hey, let's see what yeow! Let's see you got there.
Scrato Scrome - Scramisaur.
- Scramisaur.
Let me see him.
Don't get blood on him.
Wait a minute.
Ally, you gave away all your cards for just one card? - Yeah.
- Now, Tyler, that doesn't seem quite fair, does it? - It's okay.
- No no, Ally, Mr.
Parker's right.
You gave away all your cards there.
- Tyler, let me have Ally's cards back.
- Dad! Tyler, I don't want to hear it.
Come on, let's have those cards, hmm? - Sorry about this, Barone.
- No, it's okay, yeah.
- Daddy - It's okay.
Daddy's handling this.
Thanks, thanks there, Parker.
Hey, you're welcome.
I don't usually interfere in these things, but sometimes that's a dad's job.
Hmm, yeah, and you taught him a good lesson there too.
- Okay, I'll see you later, Parker.
- Wait.
Where are you going? Oh, yeah yeah yeah yeah.
I thought I would go stenciling like you said.
Well, stenciling's right there.
Oh, there it is.
Okay, thank you.
You could make that shot.
You wanna go one-on-one right now? Ray, what is wrong with you? Oh, I know this.
I know this one.
Ally told me you just undid her Hackidu trade with Bill Parker's boy.
He's a lousy dad.
Give me another one.
Shut up.
Yeah, she was giving away all her cards for one card.
I saved her from getting ripped off.
That's all.
What just happened? Come on.
See? You're making me miss it.
Well, she's upset.
That's the trade she wanted to make, all right? You gotta go back over to Bill Parker and undo what you undid.
What are you getting so excited for? It's stupid Hackidu cards.
She'll get over it, okay? - Wrong.
- What? You're wrong.
They're not just cards.
I never seen these, whatchamacallthem, Hackensack cards? Hackidu.
Okay, whatever, whatever, but I know one thing kids love this card crap.
When you were a kid, you were all loopy about Batman cards.
You loved 'em, and our old picnic table was wobbly, and I took a bunch of those cards and stuck 'em under the leg.
I remember that.
They got destroyed in the rain.
You're not gonna cry, are you, Raymond? No, that's the thing.
He didn't cry.
He just looked betrayed.
It tore my heart out.
L- I I can't forget that look.
Stop it! What? - That look.
There it is! Stop it! - I'm not doing anything! Don't lie.
It's subtle but it's there.
Hey, I'm sorry about your cards already.
It's the one thing I did wrong.
The one thing? How about when I was and you backed your car over my big toe? Doesn't ring a bell.
Frank, I'm sick of this.
Go clean your whiskers out of the sink.
After you.
You know, just wait a second, Dad.
The Batman thing is not the same, okay? 'Cause you ruined my cards.
I saved Ally's cards.
She wanted to get rid of all her cards for one.
Which is what she wanted to do.
Will you stop, please, huh? It's over.
What kind of cards? Nothing, Ma.
Just this Korean thing the kids are into now.
Oh, Hackidu.
What card did she have? I don't know.
Scrami-something or other.
A Scramisaur? - You know about this stuff? - A little.
Scramisaur is the fastest creature on Hackidu mountain.
He starts off as a Slugowog, very slow.
And he can only evolve into a Scramisaur if he gets the sonic crystal.
That's why Scramisaurs are rare and valuable.
I'm Grandma.
I have this and candy.
Well, wait a minute, Mom.
How valuable is this Scramisaur card? You can't find 'em in the stores.
Believe me, I looked.
But if you find one mint condition, no creases, that's $65.
$65? Holy crap! This is the work of the North Koreans.
You had a Scramisaur, and you lost it? Yep.
What do you know, Ray? Ally knew what she was doing all along.
Or Parker did.
- What? - You, sir, are a numbskull.
Now wait a minute.
Parker, he Parker didn't know.
He was just trying to show me what a great dad he is.
He took you for a ride, Satchmo.
Come on.
Hey, wake up.
You think this is just Hackidu cards? You think it's about Daddy and setting a nice example for a little boy? This is business.
This is 65 bucks.
Pull your head out of your pants.
No, Frank, Bill Parker's not like that.
Where you going? I got a little unfinished business with your boyfriend.
Boyfriend? This could explain why all the kids are blond.
And smart.
- Oh, hey, Parker.
- Oh, hey, Barone.
Listen, you know what? I was thinking about how we made the kids trade the Hackidu cards back.
And I kinda felt bad for Taylor.
- Tyler.
- Tyler, yeah.
No no, he's fine.
Yeah? Okay, all right.
'Cause you know I know how kids are.
They seem fine then later on they get all upset.
So you know, it's okay if your boy wants to trade back.
Oh, thanks.
That's really nice of you, Barone.
But that wouldn't be fair to Ally, would it? No, you're right, yeah.
You know what might be the fairer thing to, like, even the trade out, maybe Ally could could give your son just a couple cards for that Scrabby-something, whatever that thing whatever they call it.
I don't know.
They have the weirdest names.
Yeah, that Hackidu.
I think that's Korean for "stupid Americans," huh? Yeah.
- So what do you say? - Oh, thanks.
But we should probably leave well enough alone.
Don't you think? Okay, listen, you know, if you want to know the truth, my mother has this connection with the kid and that card.
And my mother kind of wants to give it to her 'cause you know, she's old.
So you know what? Why don't I just give you a couple bucks and you can get a couple more cards for your son? And I can tell Ally that my mother gave it to her, and we make the old lady happy.
You wanna buy it? Yeah, I'll buy it.
Just be done with it.
Who cares? Whatever.
So what do you think, like three bucks? I was thinking more like 100.
You knew! You knew.
You knew, didn't you, Parker? You knew all along.
Yeah, like you didn't.
Telling me sad stories about your mother.
Everyone knows you hate your mother.
- That's my Scramisaur.
- No, it's my Scramisaur.
- You ripped me off.
- A deal's a deal.
No givesies-backsies.
No, you givesy-backsy first.
Tough noogies, Barone.
It isn't tough noogies.
Wait till I tell my wife the guy she thinks is better than me is not! There's your king.
There's your king.
Long live the king, right? Taking advantage of a little girl.
That's who you're working for.
Don't work.
Come on.
Come on.
He's taking advantage of all of you.
He looks nice.
He's the iceman.
That's who he is.
Come on, everybody.
Come on.
Come on.
Let's go! # High on Hackidu mountain # # Where the flames shoot forth in the night # # The source of the Hackidu power # # The power of justice and might # # Buy 'em, buy 'em, Hackidu, buy 'em, buy 'em, Hackidu # # Buy 'em, buy 'em, buy 'em, buy 'em, buy 'em, Hackidu! # # Buy 'em, buy 'em, Hackidu # # Buy 'em, buy 'em, Hackidu.
# All right, easy, easy.
Let's be careful.
Uncle Robert has a boo-boo on his upper thigh.
Daddy says it's your hiney.
Okay, all right, that's enough TV.
- Who wants some sugar? - Me! Okay.
There you go.
Daddy, did you get my Scramisaur back? Well, here's the thing, honey.
It turns out that Mommy's hero Mr.
Parker is a big stinkin' Ray! No, I couldn't get the cards back, Ally.
I tried.
- Oh.
- Yeah, I even went to a lot of stores.
They don't have Hackidu cards.
But I did get you this.
Huh? It's a troll on a pencil.
Hey hey whoa! Somebody needs their hair combed.
Thank you.
You gotta hand it to little Ally.
She didn't cry.
She just looked betrayed.
Why'd you get 'em hooked on the cards anyway? Me? You're the one that had 'em watch the TV show.
That leads to the cards.
I didn't know that was the show.
I was turning the TV on to keep 'em quiet.
- Why don't you read 'em a book? - That's your answer for everything.
- Do you even know how to read? - I read.
I dance.
I'm pretty.
All right, all right, all right! Here.
Save your marriage.
It's Amy's brother Russell.
He owns a comic book shop.
He's got cards there.
"Russell's Vintage Comics.
" Yeah, he's a good guy.
If anyone has Scramisaur, he does.
Wait a minute.
This is in Hohokus, New Jersey, all right? I'm not going all the way out to freakin' Hohokus.
Come on.
It's an hour and a half! Some of that's still Indian territory.
- Ray, you - No, look, I'm sorry Ally's upset, but I'll talk to her, all right? I'm putting an end to this card baloney.
$65, come on.
# Buy 'em, buy 'em, Hackidu.
# Yeah, okay, knock it off, upper-thigh-hole.
Ally, Ally oh, those cards.
Give me those for a second, okay? Listen, I want to talk to you.
Come over here.
I know I know you want that Scramisaur.
But there are some people out there and all they want to do is get rich.
So they make kids think that things are more valuable than they really are.
Things like pieces of paper with pictures on 'em.
You mean like money? No no no.
No, money is important pieces of paper with pictures on it.
Look, what Daddy doesn't like about the Hackidu people is that they've made you believe that this Scramisaur thing is worth $65.
$65? Yeah yeah, that's why you wanted it, right? No.
Why'd you trade all your cards for it? 'Cause Scramisaur's my favorite.
I love him.
What do you mean you love him? That's the only reason you wanted it? Yeah.
It's okay, Daddy.
Come on! You're gonna be a bad boy, right? You're gonna be a bad man, right? Stupid New Jersey.
How you doin'? I'm looking for Russell.
Is Russell here? - You I.
? - What? Are you with the I.
? - No! - You look like I.
I do? No, that's just it.
You don't.
I'm a friend of your sister Amy.
- Oh, yeah, I'm Russell.
- Yeah, Ray Barone.
Robert's brother.
Oh, Robert's brother.
Get out.
Thanks, Clarence, see you at the convention.
- Listen - Let me tell you about your brother.
My little sister put two childbearing years into Gigantor.
Then he dumps her without so much as a smack-me-bum.
I don't really know what you mean, but I think Amy was the one who broke up with Robert without the smack-your-bum.
Can you blame her? The guy's got no backbone.
He can't commit to anything.
What kind of person's that? Well, you know, Robert and I, we're really not that close.
But listen, I saw you had a sign saying you got Hackidu cards.
We're closed.
Good day, sir.
Listen Listen to me, please, I just drove two hours in the rain and the traffic, and my back is all sore, and the only thing I had to eat was Cheerios on the seat of the car.
Your brother was very lucky to have Amy.
- She's very supportive.
- Yeah, all right.
She's the one who said, "Open your comic book store" when the rest of the family was saying "Up your medication.
" Look, I I I love Amy, believe me.
Your brother needs help.
If he could just learn to love himself.
He needs to learn to love himself.
Well you're right.
You're right.
I mean, that's the greatest love of all, right? Amy should be with you.
Hey, don't think I haven't thought of that.
You know? Listen, um okay, I need a certain type of Hackidu card.
- No, you don't.
- What? Yes, yes, I do.
My daughter needs a Scramisaur.
Let me tell you about Hackidu.
It's evil.
Oh, God.
It's got no substance, no truth.
It's like junk food for the mind.
It's kiddie crack.
Okay, it's kiddie crack.
Well, I need $65 worth of it.
How old is your daughter? - 7.
- 7.
I'll tell you what she needs.
Are you familiar with "Little Lotta"? You see, Lotta is a little girl with a bow on her head and although she's morbidly obese, she still finds happiness.
Do you have a partner? 'Cause maybe I could talk to him about this.
Don't you get it, you Long Island suburban automaton? You can't hear the truth over your lawnmower, man! No, wait.
Listen, Russell.
Do you have a daughter? I have a snake.
All right, well then, you know what I'm talking about.
I agree with you Russell.
Look, I hate this Hackidu thing.
And I hated the last thing and you know what? I'm gonna hate the next thing too, but when your daughter or your reptile looks up at you with those eyes, how are you gonna say no? Have you even given comic books a chance? Do you have a Scramisaur? I might.
All right, I'm buying some comic books.
There you go.
You see, kids have such wonderful open minds.
They need to be shown Yeah, okay, all right, I'll take these right here.
Ooh, some excellent choices.
This one's a classic.
You know your daughter is gonna love Where's the Scramisaur? Here you are, my friend.
Mint condition, no creases.
- Thank you.
- Uh-uh-uh! Let's have a little smile.
That's what it's all about, man.
Your total is $289.
Got it.
Hey, what did I tell ya? That Russell, good guy, huh? Yeah, he's got a message for you go love yourself.
Oh, that's nice.
- Ally, come down here.
- Hi, Daddy.
Got you something.
Scramisaur! Thank you, Daddy.
How about that, Raymond, huh? A little girl's smile, you can't put a price on that.
How about $289.
50? And while I was there, I got you some comic books too.
Daddy, you're the best.
No, what? Don't fold it! Oh.
Hey, look at this.
"Little Lotta.
" Look how fat she is.
Look at that.

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