Everybody Loves Raymond s05e18 Episode Script

Humm Vac

- Can you get that, man? - It's your house.
My pretzels.
Someday I'll have a satellite dish and you won't see me no more.
- Hello, Raymond? - Even better.
I'm Robert the brother.
Well, hi.
I'm Carol Marshall from Humm Vac Cleaning Systems International.
- Please, come in.
- Thank you.
- You must be Raymond.
- Yeah, hi.
I spoke to your wife last night about coming by to demonstrate our system.
Oh, right.
Yeah, the vacuum.
I thought she said we didn't need a new vacuum cleaner.
Yeah, she did.
I remember, because it was right before she told me I have to go pick up something from somewhere.
You didn't happen to catch any of that, did you? Sorry.
Yeah, so when we spoke last night, things did seem pretty hectic.
So, since I happened to be in the neighborhood, I wondered if now might be a good time to come show you how wonderful the Humm Vac is and to offer you this complimentary lint brush.
Yeah, I don't know.
My wife says I'm really not supposed Come on, Ray, it's complimentary.
May I, Robert? This won't hurt a bit.
And that is yours for being a good patient.
Thank you.
You were very gentle.
Oh here, I have one for you too.
Thank you.
It's too bad my wife isn't here.
She's really the vacuumer.
Well, all I know is if I were married and my husband missed out on a chance to make my life well, I might be a little annoyed.
So, there's no Mr.
Humm Vac? Pretzel? What are you doing? You scared the hell out of me.
What is that? This is something that you're gonna love.
The Humm Vac Aspirate.
- What? You bought this? - Yep.
You heard me tell the lady on the phone that we do not need a vacuum cleaner.
I know, but it turns out we really do.
She showed me all the dirt.
You let her in here? Wait wait a minute.
How good looking was this saleslady? You know what? She was quite good looking.
But I'm not afraid to say that 'cause that's how good this machine is.
I would've bought this from an ugly man! You are such a sucker.
A sucker for a great product! You hear that hum? That's a fully-insulated, four horsepower motor.
That, madame, is the sound of clean! "Is it versatile?" you ask.
Check this out.
I did this whole section in 30 seconds.
Crevice attachment, boom! Done! All right, look, that's very nice.
Wait a minute! Watch this.
You're not gonna believe this.
These pillows seem clean enough to the naked eye! In a regular vacuum, there's not enough suction power to pick up all the dirt that the beater bar kicks up.
Ray, turn it off.
I vacuumed there yesterday.
You could have vacuumed five times yesterday with your old vacuum.
Ray, what are you doing to my pillow? Patience, my dear.
The Humm Vac has up to 50 times more suction power.
It pulls up dust, dead skin, pet dander, what have you, deposits it all into this water reservoir.
- No bags! - Okay, listen.
You're calling her back and returning it! Still skeptical, Mrs.
Barone? Well I don't want to frighten you.
But this is what your old vacuum has been missing.
It's what we call "The Wow Factor.
" They build it right into the system.
This is the filth that your family's been breathing.
Now, you just dump it right down the drain.
That is pretty amazing.
Now, I'll show you how to do the drapes.
You're gonna do the drapes?! No no, silly, the Humm Vac's gonna do the drapes.
I'm just gonna take the credit.
I have never been more attracted to you in my entire life.
Wanna try? - Okay.
- Your first time.
I envy you.
Hello, dears! - Hi, Marie.
- Hi.
I was passing by my window and I couldn't help seeing into your window.
And I noticed, you bought a new vacuum.
It's amazing what this thing picks up, Marie.
And no bags! No bags! - I am so glad this worked out.
- What do you mean? When the saleslady called me and told me she had the greatest cleaning innovation since the broom, I immediately thought of you.
- You sent her over here? - Of course! I did not know that.
Well, you two enjoy.
I would never want to interfere with housework.
Now might be a good time to tell you about the free eucalyptus room freshener.
Take your shoes off, I just vacuumed up there! Hi, Marie.
- Hello, dear.
- Am I interrupting anything? Oh no.
I'm just letting Frank's pants out again.
It's in God's hands now.
You know, Marie, something was bothering me and I just wanted to ask you about it.
Of course, dear.
What is it? Well, you know this afternoon, when you said that the saleslady told you that she had this great new cleaning device you immediately thought of me.
Why was that? No, really, Marie.
Why? Is this a trick question? No.
It just seems like you're always implying that I don't keep a clean house.
Well, now you have a little help.
But you didn't feel the need to buy a Humm Vac.
Well, that machine is for people it's like if you have a bad leg, then you need crutches.
And your legs are fine? So there's no dirt in this house? Not since I've lived here.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Oh! You brought your new vacuum here.
Do you need me to show you how to use it? No, I know how to use it.
I just want to show you something.
You're going to vacuum my house? You know, my house might appear to be a bit more cluttered than yours.
And all right, there's the occasional crumb, dirty dish.
I'm not saying there's no dirt.
Yeah, there is, but that's every house.
Every house has dirt, Marie, even this one.
Well, I must say, I think you're going Excuse me, Marie! This is what we call a high-traffic area.
You're going against the nap.
Did anyone ever teach you about nap? Okay.
Let's take a look at what we like to refer to as "The Wow Factor.
" That water looks very clean.
Well, l-let let me just let me try under the couch, okay? There we go.
It can get pretty nasty under here.
Damn it.
Is it me, or does that water look even cleaner? Well, I'm still kinda getting the hang of this, so You have to understand, dear, that vacuums don't clean houses.
People clean houses.
You know, maybe I just didn't have this pushed all the way in, that's it.
Well, you're welcome to keep going.
It's probably good practice.
Where are my pants, Marie? I'm freezing here! Oh, coming, Frank! You've worked up quite a sweat.
When I come back, I'll bring you something cool to drink.
- Hey, what are you doing? - Give me your shoes.
What? What are you doing? You and the kids were in the sandbox this morning, weren't you? Yeah, what? Oh, no, did Parker's cat get in there? Come on! I need some dirt! I'm gonna shut your mother up once and for all! Are you gonna fill her mouth with dirt? No! On the rug.
She's gonna see she needs this vacuum like anybody else.
Come on, untie it first! Oh, come on! Give me the other one.
Oh no.
Damn it, the one day that you're not a pig! I think you're getting a little nuts here.
It's plastic.
It's plastic! Even her dirt's not dirt! You know what it is? It's this stupid vacuum cleaner! I told you not to buy it! No no no no.
No! No! Stop it! Hey! What's with all the yelling? I don't think Debra could find any dirt.
Okay, all right, there's no dirt here, you win! But I am sick of you making me feel like a bad person because I don't keep my house exactly the way you do! A clean house is not the most important thing in the world.
You know who says that? A messy person.
All right.
As hard as this is for you to believe, Marie, I do like to keep a neat house.
I'm just not going to spend every spare minute cleaning it! There are no spare minutes.
You have a family to care for.
Yes, I do! I care for my family.
I spend my time enjoying them, not sterilizing them.
- You're saying I don't love my family? - No, that's not Because there's nothing in the world I love more than my family.
Easy! No, it's just that this house is so clean and so arranged.
It's not exactly the warmest place in the world.
- How could you say that? - Well, I mean, come on.
Plastic slipcovers.
That's to protect the upholstery.
So it protects the upholstery, but how do you think it makes people feel? Hot and sticky.
Especially in the summer when I'm in my all-together.
I say, thank the Lord for the slipcovers.
Oh, come on, Ray! You make jokes about those slipcovers all the time.
You joke about my slipcovers? No way.
No, that's not my style.
What did you just say about the plastic and the powder room and the guest towels? Tell me, Raymond.
Just, you know, it's like, there's the china that we never use and there's towels that we never touch.
It's like you're saving everything for a special occasion that hasn't happened yet.
It's not even a joke.
It's more like a humorous observation.
He's right.
What are those little towels with the gold fringe for? For when the Pope comes over here to use the downstairs can? - Be quiet.
- I'm using 'em.
No, you're not! Are you happy now, Raymond? Come on, Ma, it's not a big deal.
I'm just trying to give my family - the nicest, cleanest home I can.
- And you do.
Let me tell you something, Raymond.
When you boys were little, you were always outside in the dirt.
Then you'd tromp through here like it was a bus station.
And Robert with his gigantic feet, it was like having a horse in the house.
No, it was not funny.
No, it was all I could do to take care of this place.
- Hi.
- Take off your shoes! - Huh? - Take them off! You're not in a barn.
Do what she says, we'll give you a carrot.
What's going on? You see, Marie? This is what I'm talking about.
You're so obsessed with the house being clean, look what you're doing to your son.
All right.
Fine fine.
Put your shoes back on and gallop around here all you want.
- What? - Put them back on.
Yeah, and check the expiration date on your feet.
- What are you doing? - Everyone wants me to change, I can change.
- I'm taking the covers off.
- Where are we gonna sit? You can sit right here on the couch 'cause I don't care about these things anymore.
I'm nothing if I'm not flexible.
What are you saying, Marie? We can sit on the couch? Be my guest, Frank.
Go ahead.
So, we can really sit there? On the actual couch? Go ahead, enjoy.
- You first.
- Huh-uh.
Would you sit? It's a couch! You see, Debra? I can change.
I can let go.
- It's nice fabric, isn't it? - It's very nice.
I feel a little naughty.
Can't wait till summer.
Hey hey, what about you, Marie? You spent all these years knocking yourself out cleaning, you should enjoy this.
That's right.
Thank you, Debra.
Excuse me.
This is nice.
What are you doing?! Look what you did! Are you happy now? She was making me nervous.
Giving me the skunk eye! We're putting the plastic back on! No! No! What are you doing? - You don't understand! - Put the cover back if you want.
Do whatever makes you happy.
My family comes first.
You might want to take those cushions outside and shake them out first.
I'll show you how.
Come on.
We'll shake 'em out.
Can you do the chips, Debra? Can you pick them up? Yeah, no problem.
Hey, take a break already.
Man, isn't this thing great? I wish they made one if these you could ride.
Here, I made you a meatloaf sandwich.
Oh, thanks.
Mostly sunny skies today, with brisk easterly winds.
Expect a high near 52°.
Clear tonight, with a low near 41°.
Tomorrow You see, our old vacuum couldn't do this.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode