Everybody Loves Raymond s05e20 Episode Script

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- Hey, hillbillies.
- Hey.
Hey, listen, some guy called for you three times today.
- Scott somebody? - Oh! Scott Preeman, yeah.
You know, you met him and Walter at my reunion.
Scott and Walter, they were like my best friends in high school.
Oh, yeah, the dorks.
Okay, 'cause you were a cheerleader, my friends are dorks.
No, they're dorks because at the reunion, they talked to each other on walkie-talkies.
That they built themselves.
They're very smart.
And they're starting - a business together.
- Oh, really? - Yeah, a go-cart track.
- Oh.
That's a fun place to use your walkie-talkies.
Actually, I've been presented with a very unique opportunity.
- What? - Well, you see, to get their business off the ground, they're looking for a few select investors.
- Go-carts, Ray? I don't - No, no.
This is a great opportunity.
Can I feed the child? Come on, though.
People love go-carts.
- Who likes go-carts? - Yay! Yeah! Go-carts! Why don't you tell 'em we're moving into a gingerbread house? Yay! Come on, I'm serious about this.
These guys know what they're doing.
Walter's dad owned an amusement park and Scott's an engineer.
Not a "whoo-whoo" engineer, one who actually designs stuff.
Do they have a plan? Or something on paper - that we can see? - I'm sure that they do.
I mean, not just a drawing of a go-cart on a napkin.
Something tangible, with numbers or All right, don't worry.
They got numbers.
Jeez, you gotta spell everything out for the cheerleader.
So, the majority of your investment in Kart Attack will go towards initial construction costs.
A percentage of which will be paid back through earnings which are outlined in the booklet I handed out earlier.
Primarily in sections A2, D5 and E15, but also in the appendix sections 9, 11 and 12.
Listen, I know I'm throwing a lot of numbers at you and that can get confusing.
So, let me give you something a little more visual to help show you what we're all about.
Walter, we're ready.
Oh, my.
My partner, Walter, is wearing our prototype racing gear.
It's standard issue for all employees.
- Cool.
- It's just a prototype.
The actual uniform will be flame retardant, which is a good thing, don't you think? 'Cause you are smoking, my friend.
Tss-ss! So, to sum up, Kart Attack, much more than a go-cart track.
It's a family sharing an ice cream cone at our fully-stocked snack bar.
It's a safe and secure place for your kids to play the latest video games.
It's a bar mitzvah in one of our faith-friendly function rooms.
- But most of all, it's - Fun! We hope you'll be the next to experience a "Kart Attack"! Thank you.
That was awesome, guys.
Thank you, thank you.
I was gonna use a fog machine for Walter's entrance, but I figured it was an intimate setting, and No, it was great.
So, could we just have a few minutes to talk things over? Yeah, talk away.
I'll just be breaking down the set.
All right.
- So, what do you think? - Well, it was very good.
- Very professional.
- Yeah, I'm surprised.
I mean, they've clearly done their research.
- Yes, they have.
So, we in? - Oh, no! Why? Look, honey, I said that I would hear their proposal and I did, but nothing in it changes the fact that it's go-carts.
I know, but come on, that's what's fun about it.
Plus, it's a solid investment.
Besides, they're thinking of naming a go-cart after you.
They are.
"The Debra.
" It's black.
That is every girl's dream.
Come on, I can't turn 'em down, they did a show and everything.
What am I gonna tell 'em? I don't know, tell 'em what you want.
I gotta go pick up the kids.
Kids when we gonna see a dime from that investment? Just go talk to them.
I'm sure they can handle it, they're professionals.
Whoo, whoo, whoo - Hey.
- Hey, man! All right! So, what did Debra say? Is she on board? - Awww, not really.
- What? What? What are you talking about, man? She said we did a great job.
I had good eye contact going.
I did the summary hands, it was killer stuff! I know, I know.
She just she wasn't biting.
What about you? You want to live like this the rest of your life? I know, I know.
Oh, man.
Your wife sucks.
Hey, hey, Walter, that is not cool.
- We're still in a business meeting.
- I'm sorry, man.
It's just this suit is so friggin' hot.
I'm sorry, guys.
I mean, you did a good job, really.
- So that's it? You're out? - Yeah, I think.
Oh, you know, I'm gonna need that check back.
What? That deposit I gave you a couple weeks ago.
I'm gonna need it back.
Oh, yeah, the deposit.
Yeah, it's gone.
What do you mean, gone? Well, you know, spent it on the whole presentation.
The suit, the easel.
This is new.
You spent all of it? A thousand dollars? How could you do that? I just told you, the only reason we came here today, was to get more money.
Oh my God, how am I gonna tell Debra I lost a thousand dollars? I wouldn't talk to her anymore.
We're gonna have better luck with Robert.
He still has dreams.
Can I take a shower here, man? - Hey, there, Miss Teen USA.
- Hey.
What are those, new sheets in the bed? Those look nice.
- They're not new.
- Oh.
Well, something about 'em looks nice.
Maybe it's the person in 'em.
What are you after, Ray? Sex or golf? Neither.
Can't a guy admire linens? Hey, you know remember remember that restaurant we went to in the city and the guy out front was asking for money and I didn't have any I didn't have change so you gave him a five? Yeah, I remember that.
He ran away after you tried to get it back from him.
But then I realized, he needed it more than we did and I stopped chasing him.
- We all have fond memories of that day.
- Yeah.
I was just thinking of that, 'cause I did something similar recently.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I gave Scott and Walter a thousand dollars.
What?! Okay, look, I know you're gonna get upset about this My God! A thousand dollars?! Remember the happy hobo.
I have him $5! Okay, but to a hobo, that's like a thousand.
So you gave Scott and Walter money after I asked you not to? No, I gave it to 'em before you asked me not to.
How could you do that? - I'm sorry, I'll get the money back.
- It's not about the money! Then I really don't understand the hateful screaming.
You really have so little respect for me, that you would do that without asking me? - I respect you.
- Obviously not! You wrote the check before you even talked to me about it! - Because I though you would say yes! - Well, I'm saying no! Okay, you changed your mind! So you wanna get back in the sheets where you look so nice? I can't believe you did this! Okay, listen, I screwed up.
Okay, but it's my money to screw up with.
What did you say? With which to screw up.
? What? What did I say? If you're doing a load, I got some socks! No wonder! Hey, why is this on 59? I was hot last night with all those covers on me.
Why? Were you uncomfortable? No.
I had a towel and a bath mat.
I slept like a baby.
- Here.
- What's this? A little something I worked up last night.
"Laundry, $75 a week.
General housecleaning, $200 a week.
" - What is this, a bill? - That's right.
"Full time child care, a thousand dollars a week.
" Yeah, I gave you a break on that one.
I billed the twins as one item.
So, you're charging me now, to be the wife? Well, if it's all your money, then "the wife" should get paid.
"Personal chef, $300.
I think we're using the word "chef" pretty loosely.
Those Girl Scout cookies I ordered from Ally come in yet? - No, not yet.
- Damn am I jonesin' for a "Tagalong.
" Have a Hydrox, take the edge off.
Wait here, I'll get you a pair of rainbow suspenders.
You can be a rodeo clown.
Yeah, well, it got a little chilly here last night.
Hey, what are you doing with that cap? Oh, yeah! Kart Attack.
I guess you and me are partners now.
Oh, so you invested too.
Are you kidding me? Those guys did a great presentation, Blew me away.
Fog machine and everything.
Where's your hat, Ray? Why don't you put on your thousand-dollar hat? Why don't you pour me a $300 bowl of cereal? You should wear the hat, Ray, free advertising.
Well, I don't know if I can wear a hat.
I haven't asked permission yet.
Hey, Robert can invest his money however he wants.
He's not married, he's alone.
Doo-dah, doo-dah Yeah.
Don't worry, Robert, you're better off.
Look at this.
Here's a list my wife gave me of what she's charging me to be married to her.
Whoa you know what, Debra? - You have beautiful handwriting.
- Thank you.
Come on! It's not about the handwriting.
Look at what she's charging me for! What the hell is that number right there? That's the total for the fiscal year.
That's more than I earn! Oh, you noticed that? Yeah, but I actually earn it.
Hi, dears.
Debra, I need to borrow your washer.
- Frank broke ours.
- It's not broken.
Before you put that in, let me take theirs apart so I can see what it's supposed to look like.
Look, we're kinda in the middle of something here, so could you come back in a couple of years? What are you doing? Making moonshine in the bathtub? Where are those nice pajamas with the baseball players I got you? - What's this? - You wanna know what that is? Yeah, I'll tell you what that is, Marie.
You're a homemaker, like me.
Don't you think that you're entitled to an equal say - in your family's financial decisions? - Absolutely, dear.
This is a list I put together to make that point with Ray.
Look how she puts a line through her sevens.
Isn't that nice? What? Just looking through some of this housekeeping things you claim you do.
I think maybe I'm entitled to some of this money.
Looks like someone's padding the bill.
Look, Ray, I can't help it if people break in here and clean.
Yeah, well, the "in here" you're talking about is the house we bought with my paycheck.
Are you saying you're more valuable than me because you bring home a paycheck? I'm not saying that.
I think society says that.
All right? You should talk to them.
Actually, Raymond, the best way to determine the value of someone's life - is with a wrongful death settlement.
- Oh, good.
Good, 'cause we're about to have one.
No, really, I dated a wrongful death claims adjuster.
And it was her job to figure out what a jury would award a family if a loved one were killed an accident.
In other words, what they were worth.
It was fascinating to see what she had to consider.
Too morbid for a second date, but fascinating.
Like what? Like they consider what kind of person you were.
Take Dad, for example.
Let's say someone dropped a piano on him.
A jury would be asked to consider what kind of life he led.
Was he a happy person? Did he bring joy to others? Did he stop and smell the roses? Yes, yes and yes.
You don't enjoy life! You spend three hours every afternoon locked in the bathroom.
Hiding from you, that's how I enjoy life! So, we can assume he wouldn't fetch much.
Mom would fare slightly better because they factor in pain and suffering.
Yeah, all right, we all know what they're worth.
But who would win between me and Debra? Well, we're talking about death here, Raymond.
There's really no winning.
Okay, yeah, who's worth more? It's a little complicated.
I mean, a jury could look at almost anything.
For example, did you know that they're more sympathetic to an attractive person? Say good night, Ray-mo.
I'm sure if Debra's life was presented to a jury, they would see - that she was very active.
- Yeah, yeah, okay.
That she worked out, she was healthy, spirited, she had a zest for life Got it! And they would also be more sympathetic to Debra because she is the primary caregiver and nurturer.
I win.
Wait wait a minute, wait a minute, what about me? Well, Raymond, I guess you're the financial provider.
Damn straight.
I make the cheddar, baby.
What else? Um I don't know.
Come on! I I enjoy life.
I have a zest for life.
I'm totally zesty.
How about my sense of humor, huh? How about that? What about it? I have a good one.
I have a good sense of humor.
That is true.
Tell one of your jokes, dear.
What? Which one? Tell the one about the guy who goes into a bar, and there's a dish of peanuts that says nice things to him.
And he asks the bartender "What's with these peanuts?" And the bartender says "They're complimentary.
" Tell that one, dear.
You you just told it, Ma.
No, no.
You tell it so funny.
You just told the ending, Ma.
Well, tell the beginning.
I love it when you Ma, I'm not telling the joke because you blew the punch line! - You understand that? - All right, all right! - What a zest for life.
- She said "They're complimentary"! That's the whole joke! Stop defending yourself.
You bring home the paycheck.
Whoever brings home the money is the king.
- End of story.
- Well put, Father.
You see? He can do whatever he wants with the money.
Ugh Marie, doesn't that bother you? She has no choice in the matter.
I am the king.
And now, His Majesty will retire to his castle, where he will await the royal grilled cheese sandwich.
Come, oaf! You amuse me.
I'll see you in hell.
Marie, how can you let him talk that way? Frank can say whatever he wants, he never controlled the money.
When he brought home a paycheck, I did whatever I wanted with it.
What are you talking about? Dad had no idea about that.
No, sometimes he'd get nosy.
But I'd make him a heavy dinner and then he'd fall asleep on the couch and I started moving the money around.
It's amazing how clueless he is.
Do you know that for more than 30 years I've been giving money to buy books for children in South America? You think your father would have approved of that? He didn't like buying us books.
He he never knew about all that money I saved for our trip to Italy.
And Debra, I never told Frank about the loan I gave you two.
- What loan? - That's okay, Marie, you don't have to When you first got married and you were living in that apartment.
- What loan? - No, it it wasn't much.
It was just a little something to get us over a rough spot.
Yes, dear, it was just $2,500.
Ooh! $2,500? You you never told me about that.
Yeah, but we needed new tires and the dishwasher was broken and you hadn't gotten your bonus yet.
- And you were doing the best you could.
- So you went to my mother?! I told Debra she didn't have to pay me back, she's family.
And you can't put a price on love.
And anyway - I'm not the kind of person - I paid her back in two weeks.
Your life made possible by a grant from the Marie Barone Foundation.
My God.
What else did you do? What else don't I know about? - Nothing.
- Come on.
If you can do things like borrow money from my mother, what other money stuff - don't I know about? - Nothing.
Look, you did the go-cart thing and I did the thing with your mother that one time.
So you know, we're even.
Whoa! Wait a minute! Look around, Raymond, you got it good.
- Whatever she's doing is working.
- No, no, no.
- Really, what else did you do? - Raymond Hey, hey, hey, listen, cubby.
When the little monkey rings a bell and the pellet comes out, he doesn't ask how the pellet got there.
He just enjoys the pellet.
You know what? Maybe you were right.
I'm just saying, maybe we should consult each other now - in all the money stuff, okay? - All right, okay, sure.
- Oh, that's so nice.
- Yeah.
Honey, why don't you just go sit on the couch? - I'll make you a nice meal, okay? - All right.
Nice and heavy.
Listen, I want to be included in everything, okay? - In all the decisions, okay? - Definitely.
Let's go.
- I work for her, don't I? - Mm-hmm.
Hey, Marie! Who the hell is Miguel Velasquez? And what is this crap he's saying about Curious George? I got turkey tetrazzini.
- Ooh, hey! - There you are.

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