Everybody Loves Raymond s05e21 Episode Script

Let's Fix Robert

Never seen this place so crowded.
Ever since Marco took over, the food is supposed to be unbelievable.
Oh thanks.
- Was that Stefania? - No.
Which one is she? Amy, you know, maybe we should eat somewhere else? There's plenty of other restaurants where Robert's ex-girlfriends don't work.
No no no, she took my boyfriend, now she can take my order.
Yeah, but I just don't get oh my God.
How is this so good?! This is just a breadstick! You've got to taste this! No no, I'm not going to eat.
I want to be thin when I see her.
Relax! I've seen Stefania.
She's nothing.
You are beautiful.
Hello, Debra.
Oh, hello.
I am Stefania.
See? Nothing.
You're Stefania? Si.
And you are? I'm Amy.
Robert's other ex-girlfriend.
Or as I'll be known as from now on, the plain one.
You were also Roberto's girlfriend? As a matter of fact, pretty much at the same time you were.
I was looking at your red wines.
Which Chianti would arrive the soonest? But Roberto did not ever speak of you.
- Yeah, he was good like that.
- Oh! If I had known Not enough he breaks up with me, now I find out I was "the other woman"? Bastard! I'm not sure what you said, but I like how it ended.
I am so, so sorry to you.
You must hate me forever.
Oh, no.
There's no need to apologize.
- I'm not really mad at you.
- Yeah, that's right, 'cause Robert's the problem here.
But he's out of both of your lives now.
We are both very lucky women.
Amen to that.
Hey, Mr.
Is my pizza ready? It's ready when I say it's ready.
That's a good policy.
Oh, look.
There's my little bastardo.
- Hey! - Hi, Ray! Oh, everything okay? - What do you mean? - Well, I'm just you know, just surprised to see you two hobnobbing.
Actually, we have a lot in common.
We both hate your brother! Oh.
That's nice.
- Did he ever take you to the movies? - Yes.
That's fun, isn't it? All his little rules.
"Shh! No talking! Movie! No talking!" Yes.
"I don't like to share my Good & Plenty.
" He's like idiot.
Hey hey hey.
That's a little rough, isn't it? He happens to be right about the talking.
It's very rude.
- Now it's ready.
- Papa, listen to this.
Roberto used me to cheat on this nice lady.
He tells me he break up with Stefania 'cause he no like girls.
Your brother, he is no good.
This one I like.
She eats for free.
Okay, Ray, you can go now.
We want to talk about Robert some more.
You know what you need? You need a big black pot that you can all stir.
Hey, are you taking that back to eat with Robert? I think what I do with my pizza, is entirely my business, okay? - This pizza's for Roberto! - Hey! Hey, stop that! Hey, stop! The sausage is mine! Oh, that's nice.
Oh, very nice.
Very nice.
Look at that.
How about I tell your father about this, huh? Hey, Marco.
Have a nice day.
- Where you been? We're starving here.
- Sorry.
Sorry's not going to bring back your fudge ripple.
What, did you flip the car? What the hell happened?! That's just a little hi-how-are-you from Stefania and Amy.
- What? Stefania and Amy? - That's right.
They're both sitting together at what is now, "Marco's All-American Pizzeria, U.
" And they're ripping into you like Tiny Tim on a Christmas ham.
Oh my God! Holy crap! This is holy crap.
Well, that's just perfect.
Marco has delicious food and now it's a gathering place for everyone who hates me.
No wonder it got good reviews.
I can't believe how bad my life is.
I'm sorry, man.
I stood up for you.
Oh my God, this is holy crap! - You stood up for me? - Well, yeah.
Oh, come on, Raymond.
If people are trashing me, you're right up front with the baton.
No! - I wasn't trashing.
- Yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Okay, listen.
Just the fact that you had to say you stood up for me, - means that you didn't! - I did! They were insulting you and I told them to stop.
They were insulting you.
He told them to stop.
- I did! - Yeah yeah, sure you did.
What? You don't believe me? Good, fine.
Maybe you are a bastardo.
- What? - Everybody knows it, man! I'll tell you this, you better watch out, 'cause Marco now knows you like girls.
You do like girls? Okay, Dad.
Then why do you walk that way? - Hi.
- Ooh! Oh, you startled me.
- How are you, Robbie? - Fine.
Actually, terrible.
I'm pathetic, I'm a loser and everybody hates me.
Could you make me something to eat? Of course, dear.
- There you go.
Bye bye, dear.
- Ma Ma Ma Ma Ma! Wait! What is this? Well, don't you like potato chips anymore? No, I do, but couldn't you make me something? I'm really feeling down here.
Oh, I'm sorry, Robbie.
But the truth is, see, I'm kind of in the middle of something.
But come back later and I'll make you a plate.
All right.
Robbie, wait.
All right, here.
- Come with me.
- What's going on? I think this'll be good for you, dear.
Ma! We've been talking.
Uh Um uh Say hello, Robbie.
Hello, Amy.
Hello, Stefania.
Hello, Amy and Stefania.
Together in my mother's living room.
Now, we have stuffed shells and three-bean salad, so why don't you just sit down and help yourself? - Ma, what's going on? - Nothing, dear.
I just What's going on, old woman?! I know this all seems a little odd "Odd"? "Odd"? How about "horrifying beyond belief"? Well, dear, you know, I've always been fond of both Amy and Stefania.
And once I heard that they had met each other, I just How'd you find out about that? That's all anybody's talking about.
So so so anyway, I just want us to have a nice, candid conversation about life and romance and what's wrong with you.
Really? I wrote out a list.
My spelling not so good.
I do drawings.
You gave them homework? It's all to help you, dear.
Don't you want to be a better man? - That one's funny.
- I give him tail like donkey.
I mean, it's no secret that you've had relationship troubles.
And I just want you to learn from your mistakes.
And now that you're here, it saves me from having to go over it again with you later.
Well, why don't we really save some time? Take that cheese knife and stick it in my neck.
See, his sense of humor's a little dark.
Should we start there? Oh, Robert! Hey! - Judy? - Whoo! Uniform's off, give me a drink.
Fill my hand with something grand.
M-M-Ma, why is Judy here? We only work together.
She has nothing to do with me not giving you grandchildren.
I know that, but she spends She has a lot to bring to the table.
- Goodnight, everybody.
- No no no no! Robbie! Robbie! Robbie, no no no! No, you just sit down! Sit down! Just relax.
Relax! Okay.
Is this everyone, Ma? What about Jessica Rueble? Remember her? Stood me up for the senior dance.
No, that wasn't her, that was your cousin Rhonda.
No, Jessica Rueble's the one who pulled your pants down at your school assembly.
All right, so who wants to begin? How to make Robbie a better mate.
I'll start.
Whenever we'd go out to dinner and we'd order dessert, he'd always say, "I'll just have a taste of yours.
" And then it was like a shark attack! Nothing but a little puddle of fudge left! Order your own dessert! Oh Sweetheart, have a cannoli.
You stay away from these.
Look at her.
She's a twig.
Yeah, well, the man does get excited about his food.
But when he goes after mine, I whack his knuckles with my night stick.
- I have something.
- Oh, good.
The face.
The frowny, frowny face.
He's always, "I don't like.
I don't want.
I don't think.
" It is annoying.
Oh, I've seen that face.
Does it look like this? Yes, and very unpleasant.
I agree with Stefania.
Maybe he needs medication.
Whatever you got! Yes, maybe he's wrong in the head.
That's why he likes to stay home every night and sit on his ugly sofa.
Oh, ladies.
Let's remember, Robert has a very demanding job.
He does need his downtime.
Thank you, Judy.
But can someone please tell me what is with that man and onions?! He puts them on everything.
There are other people! All areas you could be working on, dear.
I'd be willing to put up with all of them, if it wasn't for his biggest problem.
- His total fear of commitment.
- Yes.
Because I believe that may have contributed to our breaking up 29 times.
- It wasn't 29 - Let her speak! "I think I love you.
I love you.
I thought I loved you.
I love you.
- I think I love you.
" - "I want you so much.
" - "I don't want you.
" - "I love you.
" "She's the one.
She's not the one.
" All right! Look.
It's obvious that people are very angry with me.
But the fact is that things just weren't right between you and me.
And you and me.
I apologize to both of you for any hurt feelings that I may have caused.
But I hope you believe me when I tell you that is was never, ever, my intention.
All right, Robbie.
You don't seem to be helping anymore, so maybe you should go now.
I don't know why the hell I even sat down for this all-you-can-eat character assassination.
And for your information with regards to the onions, I happen to have taste buds that are more sensitive to savory than sweet, Judy.
For some reason, and it's a mystery to me, I'm the only woman he gets along with.
Don't fill up, Ray.
My meatloaf's almost ready.
If an angry mob comes to the door with pitchforks and torches, it's for me.
- What's the matter? - Ma's got Amy and Stefania over there and they're all talking about how they're gonna fix me.
Well, I'm I'm sure she means well.
- What? - I don't know.
You want to stay for dinner? I'm making meatloaf.
Thanks, Debra, but I'm not hungry.
Smart move.
I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone.
Talk to him.
Aw, come on, cheer up, man.
It doesn't matter what they think over there.
Let me tell you something.
You're a good guy.
No, really, don't give up.
The right lady is out there somewhere.
- Thanks.
- I mean it.
What a load of crap.
What? "The right lady's out there.
" Well, guess what? You're never going to find her.
You know why? 'Cause you don't want to.
You're alone, 'cause that's what you really want.
I believe you're looking for the meeting across the street.
Let me tell you something.
You've created an image of this ideal woman, so that when regular women regular, wonderful, real women fall short, you reject them.
- No.
- Yes! And that way, you never have to settle down and everyone can still feel sorry for poor, lonely you.
I may not be the greatest catch in the world, but I don't think I should just settle.
I'm not telling you to settle, Robert, but you're not going to be happy if every time you discover a flaw in somebody, you go to somebody else, because that somebody else is going to have her own flaws! Nobody's perfect! You are.
What? Debra? My Debra? This? Well, yeah.
I think Debra's perfect.
Well, you can't have her.
- Wait a minute.
- What do you mean, "Wait a minute"? I I mean, that was the that was so sweet, and I was just so mean to you.
And I'm not perfect! Tell him, Ray.
Is this a trap? I mean, Robert, you don't really No no no no.
Wait wait wait wait.
What I meant is that you're perfect for him.
Yeah yeah yeah, but that's not what you said.
- But that's what I meant.
- But that's not what you said.
- Why did you say that? - I don't know I had a rough day? Yeah, well, I've had rough days and I never said she was perfect.
So she's not perfect, okay? - So now you don't think she's perfect? - No.
You're saying there's lots of things wrong with her! Yes! - Like what?! - I don't know! - Come on, I'm curious! Tell me! - Tell you what?! Tell me what's wrong with her! I'm very curious! All right! She can be moody and critical! Oh, we all say that one! Look, you asked me and that's what I think! She can be horrible! - Okay! - And here's another thing! She has one of those eyes that are little higher than the other! - Oh, yeah yeah.
- Hey! And I usually I usually don't care about posture, but she's all All right! Knock it off! All right! Are you happy, Raymond? All right, that's what I meant about her.
Well, now she doesn't sound so good.
I don't know if I want her.
You'd better stop talking if you want your dinner.
- And another thing - All right.
Look, I'm sorry.
I just meant that Ray was lucky in the fact that he found that special someone for him.
I'm just hoping to be that lucky.
You will be, Robert.
- Thanks, guys.
- All right.
- See you later.
- Okay.
He's right.
You're very very lucky.
I wonder if that was the name of this horse.
Hey, Ma.
- Hi, Robbie.
- Did you want something? Yes, sit down, dear.
Have a seat.
Now I know yesterday might have been a little rough on you, but I want you to know no matter what was said, you're my boy, and you'll always be my boy and I love you.
Thanks, Ma.
Ma, what are you doing? Number 19 on the list.
Your little ear hairs.

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