Everybody Loves Raymond s06e06 Episode Script

Frank Goes Downstairs

- Oh! - Whoa! Ow! Ohh.
Thought I had a little more bed up there.
No, hey, Ray, stop! - What? - I really hurt my shoulder.
Can't you just shake it off? No.
No, it really hurts.
I think I better put some ice on it.
My wrist hurts, but you know what they say, you should get right back up on the horse.
I'm getting ice! But the horse! Ow My first sex injury.
Another season of "Everybody Loves Raymond.
" Ow! Oh! Aah! God.
Oh! Whoa, man! Hey, Gianni, pass me that soda.
Oh! Aah! Jeez.
Aah, God.
Man, I hurt my wrist.
I really hurt that wrist.
Did you sprain it opening a jar of marmalade? How 'bout just the opposite! Debra and I had some wild sex last night.
- Whoa! - All right.
Oh, whoop-de-doo for you.
So what happened? Well, no, no, I don't need to talk about it.
Oh, would you stop? You brought it up.
You got a phony bandage on.
You can't wait to tell everybody everything! Tell me anything.
No! No, no.
This isn't fair! I haven't had sex since my kid was born.
Your kid's a year and a half.
Tell me your story.
All right.
All right.
You know, things were happening, and it got a little crazy.
And next thing I know, we're airborne.
Long story short, this was no marmalade accident.
That will never happen to me.
No kidding.
She's hurt worse than me.
So you're proud of the fact that you're such a klutz, you fell out of bed onto your poor petite wife.
I can honestly say this was not my fault.
The lady got a little bit out of control.
Really? I gotta tell ya, I always thought that about Debra.
What? What do you mean? What are you thinking about Debra? Yeah, I can see that.
She seems to be very, uh animal.
All right, all right, a little respect.
Is this how you talk about your wife? I guess they just handed out wives to anybody, huh? So you really thought that about Debra? Yeah.
She's like one of those "uptight and bossy on the surface but wild underneath" girls.
I'm uptight.
You think I'm wild underneath? I'd hate to be underneath.
You know, you guys should know about Debra, she wasn't always she wasn't always like this.
But I guess over the years, I've kind of created a monster.
Turn up the TV.
I'm coming back, and I'll be eating something crunchy.
All right, all right.
Just shut up now about the boom-ba-dee-boom-boom.
Come on, your old man would be proud of you.
- You were taking care of business.
- Every way.
Look, we don't talk about that, all right? What's wrong with you guys? Have a little class, man.
Dad, those nachos were for me.
I like cheese.
You knew the risks.
Hey, Frank.
Ray hurt himself.
Ask him how.
Bernie! Why? Yeah, never mind.
No, it's a good story.
Ask him.
All right.
Go ahead.
What? It's nothin'.
I hurt my wrist, that's all.
I fell down the stairs.
They're old and creaky, those stairs.
What a marvelous story.
And you tell it beautifully.
I told you it was nothing.
How many years have I got left? You gotta waste my time with that story? What? I didn't want to tell it to ya.
Then you should cut your losses now and stop talking.
A stair story.
Debra fell, too.
Hey, would you shut up! All right? Just shut up! What are you bothering my father for? He's watching the game, and he told me he doesn't like you.
Two people falling.
Now maybe you got a story! How'd that happen? Yes, how? Pray tell.
Same thing.
Those crazy-ass stairs there.
So if you see Debra later and she has a sore shoulder, that's why.
I don't understand how two grown people fall down the stairs.
Because it wasn't our fault.
Those stupid stairs, they're dangerous, I tell you.
So did you really fall down the stairs? Which story's true? Would you shut up? No, really, I'm confused because they're both quite convincing.
- Whew! - All right.
I am laying down now and scratching a few things.
Frank, what are you doing? I came over to check out your stairs.
No wonder the two of you fell.
These look warped.
What are you talking Let's just leave him alone.
This is who he is.
This is how he defines himself as a person.
But why is your father fixing our stairs? Who cares? The Fudge Pops are melting! Wait a minute.
Why does your father think we fell down the stairs? Because that's what I told him.
You don't want him knowing the truth, do you? He came in the other night, I was talking to the guys Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Did you tell the guys? Uh they guessed.
You told your friends about how we fell out of the bed? No, they just got it.
My wrist, your shoulder it is kind of obvious.
Oh my God, Ray, this is so embarrassing.
How could you? It's guy talk! Come on, that's what we do.
Hey, don't be embarrassed.
We're muy caliente! Yeah, and everyone knows it! All right! I don't want everyone to know it, Ray! The guys already think you're wild and stuff anyway.
Well, I don't think wild? Really? Animal.
Really? They think I'm wild? See, see! You like it.
Everything is fine.
No, no, it is not fine! Because you're not supposed to be talking about that.
And then you have to make up this whole thing about the stairs, so now your father's ripping 'em out! How are we going to get up the stairs? Look at your eyes right now.
You are a little wild.
Get away from me.
- Hello, dears.
- Hi, Marie.
Frank wanted some ice water.
Believe it or not, Marie, we have the ingredients for that right here.
I know.
But Frank likes his ice cubes a little less murky.
All right.
Oh! I heard about you falling down the stairs! Sounds terrible.
Are you all right? Yeah, we're fine, Marie.
- My wrist is a little sore.
- Ray.
- Oh, you poor thing.
- Yeah.
What I don't understand is, how did you both fall? Were you going down the stairs at the same time? Yes, we were.
That is indeed what we did do.
But why? I don't know.
It was kind of like a Jack-and-Jill situation.
I went, and then she, you know Came tumbling after.
I don't understand.
There's no shame in that.
We all get old.
We were having a race.
Huh? A race? In the house? Yeah, mm-hmm.
Something doesn't make sense.
It doesn't have to.
It's a tradition.
A tradition.
I never heard anything about these races.
It's kind of our thing, you know? We do it all the time.
Sometimes we do front door to back door.
Sometimes we do three times around the couch.
Friday we usually do the stairs.
Okay, Ray.
"Friday on the stairs," that's what we call it.
Frank must be awfully thirsty by now.
Yeah, you know what, he likes it when I give him that.
About the races, you don't make the children race, do you? - No no.
- No no, adults only.
You gotta be at least this tall.
So that's how you both fell? A race around the house, which you often do as a tradition? Uh, yeah.
Stupid, humped-up termite trap! Oh, my God! Frank, are you all right? Holy crap! Don't move, I'm coming right down! I'm in enough pain! There you go.
You're doing surprisingly well after taking such a fall, Mr.
No injuries other than a broken rib.
Thank God! You heard what he said.
I'm fine.
No kissing.
I told him not to fix the stairs.
I knew something like this would happen.
I can't bear to see him hurt.
Why are you such a stubborn idiot?! Doctor, can I have this removed? Doctor, before you go, is there such a thing as a personality transplant? Okay, crazies, we're in public here.
Hey, Doc, what's this stuff drippin' into me? That's just some painkiller to help with any discomfort.
But I'm not experiencing any discomfort.
That's because it's probably starting to work.
Way to go, tube and baggie.
Now, a nurse will be in at the end of the day to give you your discharge papers.
Papers? Don't you guys have bedpans anymore? You see what you did to him, huh? All of this because you and Debra "fell down the stairs"! - All right, Robert.
- Don't, Robert.
Doctor, while you're still here, would you just take a look at my son's wrist? Yeah, and, Ray, when was the last time someone looked at that testicle? Dad! What? No one's checked it since he was a kid.
It's all right, Dad.
Hey hey hey, nothin' to be ashamed of.
Okay, Dad.
And Debra, you should show the doctor your shoulder.
No, I'm fine, Frank.
Thank you, though.
They took a tumble down the stairs.
Both of you? Unusual, isn't it? We have these little races.
Yeah, Ray, maybe you should let the doctor check out your wrist.
I'm sure you and Debra want to get back to your active lifestyle as soon as possible, hmm? It's fine.
See? It's all better.
Really? Let's arm-wrestle.
- Get away.
- Give it to me! Get outta here.
But, Doctor, really, you should take a look in his shorts.
No! There's a problem with one of the man berries.
Dad! It's never mind.
Okay, then, if you don't need me, Mr.
Barone, you try and take it easy.
And, hey, you take it easy, too.
Hey! Peace.
I'm so sorry this happened, Frank.
Hey, I was happy to fix your stairs, Debra, because you needed it done.
And if I had to break a hundred ribs, it's a small price to pay for the family stairs.
I take care of my family.
"Family," that's a funny word.
Family family family family.
I gotta go pick up the kids.
You want to walk me out? I'll go with you.
Hey, if you guys are racing, I get winners.
We can never have sex again.
What? Look at your father, lying in there hurt, and all because we and now whenever I'm gonna think of him, workin' on those stairs, and then all of a sudden, his little bald head dropping out of sight.
Here's something you might try think of me when we're having sex.
This is awful, Ray.
We lied to him, and now he has a broken rib.
We broke his rib! We may as well have rolled off that bed and onto him.
Are you trying to put images in my head? 'Cause we may never have sex again! Hello! Hi.
Look, this is not our fault.
Yes, it is! This is 30% my fault and 70% yours! Where do you come up with those figures? You started the whole thing.
None of this would have happened if you didn't have to tell all your friends what a big stud you are! Oh, why couldn't the nurse hear that? The truth is, none of this would've happened if you didn't have that second glass of wine that night.
Or if you let me buy a king-size bed.
Or if just once, God forbid, you listen to me, and we could start on the floor! - We have to do something for him.
- All right.
How do we make this up to him? We have to get him a satellite dish.
What? No! I'll go to the cafeteria, I'll get him a nice Jell-o parfait.
We have to make this right.
I cannot go to bed every night with those images in my head.
All right.
I'll take care of it.
Last thing you need is another excuse.
Oh, Raymond, I'm so glad you're back.
I want to take Robbie and introduce him to a nurse I just met.
I don't think I should meet anybody new right now.
I didn't wash my hair today.
She works in the hospital.
I'm sure she's used to seeing all kinds of things.
Come back soon, smushy face.
So, how's it going, okay? Sure, I'm fine.
Yeah, you look good.
- Listen - I was thinkin' it should be pretty easy to finish those stairs.
The hard part's already done where I fall through them.
It's all right.
I can hire somebody to do it now.
No, no, no.
No way.
I want to fix your stairs.
Me not some guy! That's nice.
I feel bad you got hurt, so l Hey, don't feel bad.
This is what it's all about.
What do you mean? I'm not an idiot.
Remember when you were a kid, you gave me that mug that said "World's Greatest Dad"? I hated that.
Because I knew I was not that mug.
And now you've got kids of your own the way you are with them What? What, Dad? I liked it when you moved in across the street, 'cause I could come to your house, you could come to my house.
Nothin' much, just doin' stuff, watchin' the game, playin' some pool.
By the way, one of us should get a pool table.
It's good what we got 'cause we're pals now.
Debra and I didn't fall down the stairs.
What? We actually hurt ourselves in the, you know, bedroom.
A bedroom race? No.
No, there are no races, Dad.
But they're a tradition.
We we fell off the bed, both of us.
Hmm? We fell off the bed when we were having sex.
That's how we got hurt.
Then this is about your testicle.
What no.
Dad, no, it's not.
I lied to you.
I told you the stairs were bad so you wouldn't know what Debra and I were doing, and you wouldn't have broken your rib if it wasn't for me, and I'm buying you a satellite dish, all right? Oh.
Now, that's a good story.
Why didn't you just tell me that story? Because it's like a sex story.
I don't feel comfortable, you know, telling you that kind of stuff.
But we're pals.
We're pals.
Hey, you want to know somethin', pal? Could I tell you a story? Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
One night your mother had a little too much Kahlua No, no, Dad! No! But it's story time.
No, look, you need your rest.
Wait, you'll love this.
No no no, sweet dreams, pal.
It was cold outside All right, here you go.
So how's that rib doin', Frank? It's coming along, although I still can't burp the way I like.
Well, you stick to your rehab.
I'm happy to be out of that hospital.
They had me so drugged up, I didn't know whether I was comin' or goin'.
I thought what they had you on was marvelous.
I'm gonna call Mexico and try to get some for the house.

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