Everybody Loves Raymond s06e24 Episode Script

The First Time (3)

What are you watching? You.
Oh, hey, Ray, you know what? How about tomorrow, hmm? How about we start today and go till tomorrow? We'll, we'd have to start at 11:59, then.
Honey, you know what? You know what? Really definitely tomorrow, okay? The kids'll be on their play date, we'll be all alone.
Hmm? Interesting.
During the daytime, you're saying? I am.
Well, you sound very sincere, So I guess you'll have no trouble signing this.
"I agree to have daytime sex with Ray Barone "tomorrow, May 23rd of this year.
" Can I go to sleep now? Yes, you may.
But in case you have any ideas of ripping this up in the middle of the night I win either way.
Hey, Frank.
How are ya? Here.
- What's this? - I don't know, some porcelain thing you gave us for our 30th anniversary or some other terrible occasion.
Why are you giving it back to me? Marie says she doesn't like it and she never did.
So she sent you over here with this? That's right.
I'm Marie's stinking messenger service since you two stopped talking to each other.
Okay, Frank.
All right.
You know who she does talk to? Me.
So do me a favor, if you're upset, please, shoot the messenger.
Well Just dropped the kids off at their play date, and now it's time for mine.
Not now, Ray.
Oh, I beg to differ.
Ray! I had a feeling you might change your mind, and that's why, if you remember, I had you sign a certain document.
Do you know what just happened? I must tell you, I do not care.
Your signature.
What is wrong with you?! You can't tell I'm upset? After how many years, you can't tell I'm not in the mood right now?! Al right, now I'm starting to get it.
I'm sorry, Ray.
I know we had a deal.
It's just that this thing with your mother She just sent over You know, I just don't feel like it right now.
All right.
All right, I'm sorry.
I didn't know you just had a thing.
You know I'm not good at reading your signals.
Was I always this bad? Yeah.
No, you pick the movie, Deb, I always like what you pick.
Oh, well, that one I only fell asleep in that one because it was so warm and cozy sitting next to you.
Raymond, your friends are here.
Hey, ready to go? - I'm on the phone.
Give me a second.
- No problem.
All right, Deb, I better Oh, it's Debra? - Mom.
- Hello, Debra.
How are you? Good.
No, I'm fine.
I'm just doing a load of Raymond's dirty underwear.
Mom, what are you Listen, where did you buy that blouse? Is your mother gonna wash these or send 'em to the lab? Oh, yes! Thanks, darling.
Here's your boyfriend.
Hey, sorry about that.
Oh, yeah yeah, she is great, yeah.
The game.
Okay, listen, I'll see you tomorrow night, okay? All right.
All right, guys, come on, I'm coming.
You know we got a poker game tomorrow night.
Well, you heard me, I can't go.
Debra wants to rent a movie.
And, oh where do I buy candles? She wants a candle for, like, dinner.
Candlelight dinner and a movie? Forget the card game.
Our little Raymond's having sex.
No no, you guys know we haven't you know.
She doesn't wanna rush the physical part, and, you know, whatever.
Hey, she wants a candle? It's either sex or you smell.
I gotta get to work.
Which one of you bozos parked behind me? Hey, Robert, listen, we're taking odds.
You think Debra's gonna have sex with Ray tomorrow? Hmm, I don't know.
Has the president declared Ray the last man on earth? That doesn't even make sense, all right? If the president was around to declare it, then how am I the last man, stupid? Well, president or no president, there's no way you're ever having sex with that Debra.
Look, Ray, it's simple.
When you get over there, look for signs.
See if she shaves her legs, and you're in.
No, you know what you do? Ask her if she likes Madonna.
I always ask that, 'cause if she does, that means she's got a little bit of a wild side.
What would you do with the wild side? Hey, I'm trying to help you here.
You gotta do something Check her eggs, man, check her eggs! What? You check her refrigerator to see if she has enough eggs to make both of you breakfast in the morning.
Oh, really? You know, Mom has two dozen eggs in the fridge right now.
Why do you do that? I'm just saying.
I'm just saying When Debra's ready, she'll let me know.
Yeah, why don't you sit by the mailbox and wait for that letter? Yeah, we'll swing by once a year to cut your beard.
- Hey! - Hi! Hmm, what is that, cologne? Uh, no.
That's, uh, that's pretty much how I smell.
Come on in.
I just ordered the Chinese food and it's gonna be a while, - so do you want to watch the movie now? - All right.
I got some wine.
Let me put it in the refrigerator.
Listen, I rented "Out Of Africa.
" I hope you don't mind, it's kind of a girly film.
That's all right.
I'm kind of a girly guy.
What? Uh, no, it's nothing.
I just noticed that, uh, you're almost out of eggs.
I use that egg substitute.
Have you ever tried it? It's really great.
I just bought three cartons.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'd like to try that, yeah.
Hey, I got a candle.
Why don't we light it? Okay.
It's called "Morning Mist," But the lady said you could light it at night.
So here we are.
Oh, smooth.
Thank you.
Who is that, Meryl Streep? Uh-huh.
She reminds me of Madonna.
Really? I don't see that.
You, uh, you like Madonna? Yeah, she's okay.
Well, there's the Chinese food.
Are you coming back? I think so.
Ma! Hi Marie.
What are you doing here? Hello, Raymond.
I was baking lasagna, and I had so much extra I thought I'd bring it over to you two.
All the way from Long Island.
That's so nice of you.
Yeah, Ma, we got Chinese food coming.
Oh, that's not food.
No, Marie, I really love your lasagna.
I don't cook a lot, but you're really starting to inspire me.
I bet you're a natural.
You know, that's the food, Ma, so you probably should skedaddle.
Let's eat! Dad, what are you doing here? I found a broken meter, we've got all night.
Where's the lasagna? You know what? I wasn't really expecting all this company She's right.
Get out.
No, Ray.
I think I have a folding table in the back, so I'll just get it.
Great! I'll put on the Yankees.
No, listen, you guys, you both gotta go home, okay? Debra and I, we're trying to watch a movie.
You're not fooling anyone, young man.
What? You don't think I know what's gonna take place here tonight? You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
I know exactly what you and Debra are planning.
What how do you know anything? Believe me, I would rather not know.
But when you talk in your room, it carries through the whole house.
Especially when your mother stands on the dresser so she can listen through the vent.
Oh my God! Mom you two have to leave, okay? Debra and I would like to be alone.
Oh, hello, Raymond.
Hello, Raymond.
Father Hubley, come in.
Thanks for the ride, Robert.
I've been looking forward to this lasagna all day! Hi.
Oh, Debra, this is our family priest, Father Hubley.
And if it's all right with you, he's gonna join us for dinner.
Why don't we all sit down and get to know one another? - Come on, sweetie.
- Okay.
Yes, come on, sweetie.
It's gonna be fine.
Oh, Father, please sit.
Please, Father.
Father Hubley, did you know that Debra and Raymond have been dating for a few months now? Maybe this is a bad time, I don't think we have enough lasagna.
Hey, Ray's right.
We may be in trouble here.
Because, with all due respect, Father, I saw what you did to that cheesecake at the church bake sale.
Father Hubley, I'd like your opinion on the Commandments.
Do you have to follow all, Or can you just pick and choose? Ray! - What's the matter? - I'll tell you what's the matter.
My mother is trying to prevent you and me from having Chinese food! Oh, you got Chinese coming.
We're good, Father.
Oh, Frank, would you stop thinking about food for a second? Your son's moral health is in jeopardy.
What? Oh, for crying out loud, Marie.
Why don't you just fit her for a chastity belt And be done with it? Oh my God! Is that why you're all here? Because of sex? I was only told about the lasagna.
I don't understand.
Well, if I may, Debra.
The worst thing for a relationship is to give in to one's desires.
Now, I know in this case it may be difficult because Raymond is such a cute boy Oh my God.
But when I heard him talking to his friends about buying candles and counting your eggs I knew it was time to call Father Hubley.
What?! Wait a minute! Is there even a lasagna here?! Well, I don't know what you've heard, Marie, but no one is coming near my eggs! Tough break, Raymond.
Believe me, everybody, we're not having sex.
Well, then, I guess we can eat! Marie, if I may.
I'd be happy to discuss all these matters, but I don't think this is the time or the place.
Yes, and I must say that I am appalled at the turn this evening has taken.
I think we should all go.
But we haven't eaten yet.
When I say "we," I'm including the lasagna.
Lovely meeting you, Debra.
And let me tell you, as someone who has known the Barone family a long time, this actually went quite well.
- Is there meat in that? - Oh, yeah.
Let's go.
Enjoy the movie.
And Raymond, that cologne smells better on you than it does on your Father.
Deb, you gotta believe me, I didn't tell my friends anything.
Hold on.
I'll be right back.
Wait, Marie.
If you felt so strongly about this, why didn't you just come talk to me? I mean, I feel like there's something else going on.
Do you not like me or something? Oh, no! It's not that at all.
Oh, Debra I see the way Raymond acts around you, and how he looks at you, and how he talks about you to everybody.
He has never been this way with anyone.
So I just thought that you two should wait until after you're you know.
That's why I came over.
Well Yeah, that's okay, Marie.
I just hope that we can always talk like this.
You know, instead of bringing over lasagna and a priest.
Of course! I love talking to you! And Debra, I just want you to know, it's really not like me to meddle in my son's life.
Listen, let me explain.
You remember Bernie and Gianni, how stupid they are? They came over.
They were grabbing my underwear, Telling me, "Check her eggs! Check her eggs!" Huh? Come with me.
- But but - What? I thought you said that we weren't What can I say? Your mother was right you're a very cute boy.
So you ended up sleeping with me that night because of what my mother said? I guess so.
Back to therapy.
Ended up being a pretty good night, though, didn't it? Great night.
You know what it puts me in the mood for? Chinese food? Come on, let's go.
You know wait.
What, wait? What? I just I want to do something first.
You go ahead upstairs.
Well, hurry, though, you know, you gotta be here for some of it.
Frank, use your napkin and sit up! Hi Frank.
Hi Robert.
- Hi.
- Hi Marie.
Are they talking? Please, God.
Marie, do you remember that night that you came over to my apartment and tried to stop Ray and me from you remember that night? You remember in the hallway, how we talked things out? How that felt? And look at us now.
I mean, what are we doing? This whole thing has been so silly.
Why would you say "tried" to stop you? What? You said, we "tried" to stop you and Raymond.
Why would you say "tried"? Well I mean Wait a minute.
Did you have relations with Raymond that night? Marie, that is not the point.
You lied to me in front of a priest.
Oh, boy.
Marie, what you told me in that hallway made me realize how Ray really felt.
So now you're blaming me for your premarital sex?! Listen, I came over here to-to-to try Marie, are you kidding? Here's a little sauce left, would you like some? No sauce talk! For God's sake, talk to her! Would you like some, Robert? I'll have a little bit.
You take that sauce and I'll kill you.
No one's having your sauce until you talk to her! Well, Marie, I don't know what I was thinking coming over here, because this past month of you not talking to me has been the best month of my life! Robert, shoot my ears off.
Oh, Mrs.
Barone! The doctor will see you now! I will never talk to that woman again! I'm going for a drive! No! We have a contract! I'll see you in court!
Previous EpisodeNext Episode