Everybody Loves Raymond s07e01 Episode Script

The Cult (4)

But you two people know deep down how you feel about each other, how you care about each other, and how much how much you love each other.
Well, Marie, I don't know what I was thinking coming over here, because this past month of you not talking to me has been the best month of my life! Mmm.
Man, I love a pickle.
You know what's great about a pickle? It's like a food and a drink.
This is a beautiful day, isn't it? It's crisp.
You know, I really never knew what people meant when they said it was a crisp day, but today I get it.
Where'd you get that shirt- "Big, Tall and Samoan"? What are you doing? Go away! What are doing? I hugged ya.
Surprised? That's exactly why I hugged ya.
Oh, there's a new Robert in town.
Well, he still has that old Robert smell.
So, what's going on, Robert? Ah, I'm just happy.
I got a new outlook on life.
Hey, have you ever heard about "Innerpath"? - No.
What's that? - I'm glad you asked.
It's a group with a great philosophy about life and how to live it.
I've been to a couple of meetings already.
Gerard got me into it.
Gerard? Isn't he like, uh an idiot? I used to think so but that was my baggage I was making him carry.
So is this like a self-help group or something? Oh, no no no.
It's much more.
You see, Innerpath teaches us that we all have the same emotional doors.
And the trick is recognizing which doors to bolt shut and which ones to throw open.
Robert, sit down.
Listen, have these people asked you for money? No no no.
I gave them some because I wanted to.
Come on.
What are you doing? It's like a scam or something.
Happiness is not a scam, Raymond.
Hey, I'll tell you what: why don't you come to a meeting with me? You could learn a thing or two.
What are you, nuts? No.
Uh they said I would encounter naysay negativity.
But you know what Innerpath taught me? Like a camera, I use negatives to develop.
Why don't you add a grass skirt to that outfit and dance around a volcano? All right.
All right.
I'll see ya later.
Where are you goin', Robert? I'm gonna go across the street.
I wanna share "The Path" with Mom and Dad.
Oh my God! He's in a cult! It's not a cult, Ma.
Then why the hell did you hug me? It made me happy.
Oh my God! He's in a cult! It's not a cult.
It's just a bunch of people who want to see me happy, who happen to care about me.
You have that here, you stupid ass.
Well, they said you might not understand.
But that's okay.
I'm not gonna judge.
Back! Get back! All right.
I'm gonna go up and try to find some old photos.
Innerpath wants to do a collage of our former selves.
Look what you did- you never hugged him enough as a child.
Now he's gonna shave his head and sit on the floor at the airport.
All right, listen- was Robert here? Yeah, it was horrible.
He hugged me.
He hugged me too.
He's huggin' everything.
We have to do something.
Robert is so impressionable.
Yeah, he's a dope.
So what do we do? We have to get him out of this.
Raymond, you have to talk to him.
You know, Ray, maybe you could find out more about this Innerpath.
Maybe you could take Robert up on his offer.
- No, I couldn't.
- What offer? He asked me to go to a meeting with him.
You have to do that, Raymond.
These people sound like maniacs.
No! No no, I'm not! Come on, I'm not going to one of those things.
What if they drug me and I wake up chained to a goat? You've just described my wedding.
I heard that.
Hey, brother man! Okay okay.
Don't hug me! Listen.
I'm gonna go to one of those meetings with you.
That's nice.
That's a family.
Okay, everybody! Let's get started.
No chairs? Well, if you're sitting in a chair, you can't be down to earth.
- Hey, Ray.
- Hey, Gerard.
Okay First things first! Good neighbor policy- everybody turn to the left.
Don't forget the right.
Super! Now, I'm looking around the room, and I see a new face.
A happy face.
A face I'd like to know.
This is my brother, Raymond.
Welcome to The Path, Raymond.
Raymond! Raymond! Raymond! Hey.
Raymond, why don't you tell everybody a little bit about yourself? You said that I wouldn't have to talk.
Raymond has a wife and three children, and he is also the writer for "Newsday.
" We all know who he is, Robert.
You do? Gerard did mention that he was Ray's cousin, and gosh, Ray we are just so super honored to have you with us.
A famous newspaper columnist! Raymond! Raymond! Raymond! That really gets you going, huh? Our leader likes to bring notables into the fold so that we can better explain our mission to the world.
And you, Ray Barone, are a notable.
Tell that to my wife.
Ha ha ha! Uh, e-e-excuse me.
So, you used me to get to Ray? No no no no.
Not used, more like It's nice to have you with us, too, Robert.
Robert! Robert.
See you.
Come back.
Nice seeing you.
Okay okay.
Okay, bye-bye.
Well, I, for one, am somewhat disillusioned.
Why, because they like me? It had nothing to do with the creepy smiling and the touching? I don't know what I'm doin'.
You're telling me.
What's wrong with you? Look at these nut jobs- Bye! Bye! Okay.
Come on, what were you thinking? I just haven't been so great lately.
I I feel like I got nothing to count on.
And now this thing with Ma and Debra, it's got me I don't know.
I'll tell you, though, when you told us about Innerpath, it actually got both of them in the same room for a few minutes, 'cause they were so freaked out.
Really? They were worried about me? Yeah! Yeah! Hey you know what? There might be something we could do.
What do you mean? Man, wasn't that a great meeting, Raymond? I am on cloud nine.
Can you guys give me a lift home? Somebody stole my car.
Hey, that was- What's the matter? It's bad! - What? What's bad? - They're freaks! They're freakin' mind-melting freaks! And they got Robert! What do you mean, they got Robert? They're in his head, don't you get it?! This was my brother! Honey, it's okay- No, it's not okay, Debra! Not this time! Not this time.
I saw them! I saw them! They got Robert so turned around, he doesn't even wear underpants anymore.
- What? - They don't wear underpants, Debra! They're freaks! - What are we gonna do? - I don't know! That's what I've been trying to figure out.
I called the precinct to talk to his partner.
She wants to come over and have one of those insurrections or somethin'.
- An intervention? - Yeah yeah yeah! Judy said she has experience in that thing, but that doesn't work, does it? Well, I don't know- Judy, what? What's going on? I know you don't think an intervention can help your brother, Ray, but he's my partner and I sure as hell am gonna try.
That okay with you, Debra? Uh, yeah, I guess, if you really think- Good.
It's very simple.
We lock the door on the sucker and love-bomb his sorry ass.
Well, how are you gonna get- I told Robert you wanted him here at 9:00 for cake.
He fell for that? That boy always falls for cake.
Hurry up! It's almost 9:00- Hi, Ma.
Hello, Raymond.
I'm here for Robbie.
- Hello, Judy dear.
- Yeah yeah.
Now listen up, people.
You just do what I say and we'll be fine.
And no matter what- no matter how much Robert wants to get out of here-and he will- we do not let him.
We stay here as long it takes to let Robert know that you are his family- and that family, that love, is stronger than any crazy-faced loser collection of pinheads.
Where's Frank? He's at the lodge, which is for the best.
He's not really good with love.
All right.
See ya, fellas! Hello everybody.
What's up? Ma why are you here with Debra? I'm not here with anyone, dear.
I'm here because I love you.
Oh my God! Don't let him out! Don't make this hard- Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Sit down! All right! All right! I know what this is and you could all talk until you're blue in the face, but it will not do you any good.
"The path is straight, and the children of the path shall walk upon it straightly on its straighty straightness.
" You see? You see?! This is what I'm talkin' about.
It's worse now.
What did they do to him? Why is he smiling like that? No underpants.
Oh my Robert, you can't really believe- Let me.
Hey, partner, remember me? Yes, Judy.
I worked with you on the force, but I've given up that life to become a full-time "pathist.
" I've almost got the green shirt.
This is bad.
All right, Ray, I want you to say somethin' to Robert.
No, look, I can't talk.
I'm not a talk person.
Ray, I want you to speak to your brother today like he matters! He does matter to me, Judy! I just- I can't stand seein' him like this! Don't tell me! Okay, look I know I don't say this enough, but you are my brother and I love you.
Okay, but h- here's the thing- you should know that by now, right? I don't have to tell ya.
I mean, yeah yeah, we get mad at each other, but we never let it get too far, you know, 'cause-'cause we're family.
And we don't walk away.
This this is walkin' away.
And I don't want you to do it, because you're like a part of me.
Hey, what's goin' on? Judy, don't open it! J- Judy! What is this, a party? What? You lock me out to keep me away from cake now? Just go home, Frank.
Yeah, Dad, go.
How come you're not at the lodge? The pool's got a fungus.
Well, what's the party for, the Dalai Lama over here? Come on.
Please, Dad, not now.
Frank, please! Dad! Frank, could I see you for a minute? See, what we're tryin' to do here is reinforce the family thing- let Robert know we're here for him, nurture him a little bit today.
Hey, moron! Frank! No, this guy's been coddled his whole life! That's why he has no brains! That's why he can't think for himself! That's why he joins a freakin' cult! Snap out of it, lunkhead! You know what the only thing you need now is? A good kick in the pants! Oh, yeah? What's that, huh? The name of your parenting book? "A Good Kick in the Pants"? Well, thanks a lot, Dad.
It's worked wonders for me over the years.
Come on, Robert.
Don't listen to him.
He pees in the yard.
- Stop! - I'm leaving.
No no, you can't leave now.
We're almost there.
No, we're not, okay? Just forget it, Ray.
I'm going back to Innerpath.
This is a negative place.
And it's not just him.
He's just the poster boy.
It's her and her, too.
Wait! Wait! What about me? What about what I just said? Nice try, but you're not that good an actor.
Hey! What are you gonna do now? You're just gonna go back to your stupid cult? It's not a cult, okay? I'm sorry, everybody, but I've confirmed something here today- that the path to inner peace and harmony clearly cannot be found in this family.
- Oh, Robert! - Robbie! Robert, please.
Sit down.
Yes, please, dear.
Don't join a cult.
Have some cake.
No! I just want to talk to you.
- Why?! - Because I care about you! And I'm your mother! Why would I take advice about life from you two? You can't even talk to each other! Yes, we can! - Oh, Debra! - Oh, Marie! Oh, Debra! Oh, I love you so much.
Let's never fight again.
Oh, Debra.
See? We are a family.
We love each other.
Please don't leave! Okay.
Good going.
Good going.
You too, man.
Ha ha ha.
Wait-wait a minute.
Y- you guys planned this whole thing? What? Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You're not mad, are you? No, I'm not mad.
How could I be mad when you gave Debra back to me? Then there's somebody else you should thank.
and the Oscar goes to Yeah, but what was with that slap in the head? I was in the moment.
You were tricking us? What? You mad at me now? How come you're fine with them? Because they're nice boys, and you're a gloating nincompoop! Let me show you the cake I made.
It's chocolate, but it's different than the usual Robert this cult- how many wives can you have? Oh, man.
Great game.
I still don't get why you ever wanted to join a stupid cult.
All right, Dad.
You know what that was? Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Agh! Nice to be back.
Yeah, this is what it's all about, flagpole.
The ballgame.
Free will.
Doin' what you want when you want it.
You don't get that in any stinkin' cult! All right, TV off- it's lunch.
- What are we havin'? - Chicken.
We wanted roast beef.
We're havin' chicken.

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