Everybody Loves Raymond s07e05 Episode Script

Who Am I?

Debra's not here right now.
May I take a message? Cindy? All right.
All right, dear.
Debra went out tonight.
And Raymond did, too.
Although they went to different places.
On a Saturday night.
Do you think that seems odd? It seems odd to me.
Do you and your husband go to different places? You're not? Oh well, I have another son- Robbie.
Oh, I'll tell him you called.
All right, dear.
Hi, Marie.
Who was that? That's for Robbie.
So how was your night? Oh, it was just a great lecture.
I learned so much about the Amazon.
Linda's cousin wrote this book, and he's a terrific speaker.
How are the kids? Oh, they're fine.
They don't know.
Know what? About you and Raymond going your separate ways tonight.
Oh, Marie, it's no big deal.
Ray didn't wanna come to the bookstore, so he did what he wanted.
I guess that's what they call an "open marriage.
" Come on, Marie.
You go out without Frank once in a while.
That's not open marriage, that's escape.
No, I mean, come on.
How do you get a rash there? Hey, we're back.
Thank God he came back.
Hi, Mrs.
Hi, Deb.
You guys have a good time? Ask your husband.
You beat how many people in a row at air hockey? Debra had a good time tonight, too.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
How was it? How'd your thing go? Oh, I loved it.
He signed my book.
Yeah, that's right.
Everett Munce.
A doctor.
Hey, Ma, you got any food over at the house? - Why? - We're kind of starving.
I thought maybe you could make something for me and Gianni.
I've been thinking of you in an apron all night, Mrs.
Well, I do have food, but don't you need me here? I don't think so.
Oh, all right.
I'm right across the street if you need to talk, Ray.
And remember- I love you.
You're on my foot.
What's that? What's with my mother? She's just flipping out 'cause we didn't go out together tonight.
Why? You having an affair with the bookstore guy? Yeah.
He's 60 years old, has one eye, and smells of the jungle.
Yeah, that's how you like it.
That's right.
And next week is the second part of the lecture.
What do you mean? You gonna go again? Yeah.
That's not a problem, is it? No no, it's no problem.
It's just- what am I gonna do? I thought you could go out with the guys again.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, great.
What's the matter, Ray? Oh, nothing.
Ray, what is it? Nothing.
It's I don't know.
Going out with the guys- I mean, it was great.
It was fun.
Really really fun.
But? It wasn't so much fun.
I don't know.
I mean something about it- something was missing.
What do you mean? You mean me? No.
No, I was I mean, we did the same stuff we always do.
You know, Gianni was doing this thing- he drops ice cubes in front of him.
"Hey, look, an Eskimo peeing.
" And, you know, I mean, it was funny, and I used to laugh at it, but It's lost its magic? Yeah.
We had the buffalo wings I like, and we did the air hockey.
But I don't know, something about it- it's not the same as it was.
Oh my God.
You're growing up.
No! No.
I probably got a flu or something.
No, that's why you don't like doing all those stupid things you used to do.
You're changing, you're maturing.
No, it's a good thing, Ray.
You've become a man.
You know why you just said you had a bad time doing all those things? Because you've outgrown them.
You know I'm right, don't you? Crap, maybe you are.
Oh my God! I have been waiting for this! Oh! Listen listen listen! Come to the lecture with me on Saturday.
- No.
What? - Oh no, wait.
That's what adults do.
They use their head, and they think.
Oh, you're gonna like this.
You're ready for this.
You are a mature adult.
It would be kind of cool to see a guy with one eye.
Hey, Debra.
Ray, you came.
Yep, I'm here.
You look so nice.
Doesn't he? Yes.
I've never seen you like this.
Hello, everybody.
Raymond, look at you.
What are you doing here? I just came to get a little culture.
Oh a little culture.
Folks, if you could take your seats.
Boy, this is fun.
It's like high school, only now I've had sex with the girl who sits next to me.
Let's please all welcome back to Sidewalk Books Dr.
Everett Munce.
Thank you, Brian.
Well, it's nice to see some familiar faces back from last week.
I believe I left you on the banks of the Amazon about 250 kilometers east of Manaus.
If you can imagine, it's dusk, and it's still 104ยบ.
The humidity's around 99/, and yet it is not raining.
If you listen closely, you can hear the macaws and the capybaras and perhaps even the low growl of a jaguar Never seen an outsider.
So, one's dilemma becomes: How do I record this amazing discovery without corrupting the purity of their existence? Well, as a matter of fact, they faced this same dilemma more than 30 years ago in the Philippines- I believe it was Yes, it was in the Philippines where they came upon a tribe that was called the Tasaday.
Even though they took great- Ow! Ow! God! What did you do? Shh! Wake up.
All right, I'm awake.
But you caught me right in the eye.
Would you shut up? It's just- you got me right in the socket hole.
Be quiet.
Oh my God.
You could've poked my eye out.
Not that I still wouldn't be a great guy.
Hi, Marie.
Hi, dear.
How was your night? It was fine.
Ray, what's the matter? Nothing.
Nothing nothing.
I got poked in the eye.
You know how wild it can get in a bookstore.
It's not funny, Ray.
I fell asleep.
The guy was droning on and on, and I fell asleep.
So he hit you? No.
She did.
I had to wake you up! When I wanted to wake Raymond up, I would stroke his hair and gently kiss his forehead.
That's how you do it.
You were sleeping on me in public.
I had to get you off of me.
Oh, my.
I had hoped that after your little separation last week that maybe tonight would go better.
Everything is fine, Marie.
No, it's not.
Everything is not fine.
Stop rubbing it.
You're making it worse.
I'm not talking about my eye.
Everything is not right with me.
The whole me.
What? What do you mean? I went to that lecture, and I tried, Debra.
God help me, I tried to like it.
The elbow in the eye was the best part of the night.
I'm sorry, I thought you were an adult.
I made a mistake.
Who the hell am I? What are you talking about? Don't you see? Last week, the same thing.
I went out with the guys, the same thing happened.
I didn't belong there either.
So now I got this thing in my head, like, "Who am I? What do I do now?" "Where the hell do I belong?" Right here! You're on my foot again, Ma.
Come on.
Trust me.
You're gonna thank me for this.
Hurry up.
You're letting the steam out.
Hey, Ray's here! Ha ha ha! It's the sportswriter.
Welcome to the Inner Sanctum.
Hi, guys.
I'd shake your hands, but I don't want you dropping those towels.
Put that in your column, sportswriter.
Ray's been going through a rough patch, so I brought him here to sweat that puss off his face.
Let me turn up the steam for you, Ray.
No, don't get up.
Don't get up.
No, please.
Nobody move, okay? Just pretend that I'm not here, okay, 'cause that's what I'm doing.
Says the funny sportswriter.
Sit down, Ray.
Take a load off.
Hey, sit right here, Ray.
That's O'Neal's place, but you can sit there.
He's dead.
Ah, I love the lodge.
We play some cards, we get something to eat, we come in here and relax.
What more could you ask for? - Hair.
- Yeah, I could ask for hair.
Oh, man, how long can you guys stay in here? Well, the record is four hours and 10 minutes.
By who? O'Neal.
This is the life.
Yeah, like oil in the joints.
You still stiff? My knee.
I got that.
My back's still acting up.
The twinge? On good days, it's a twinge.
I got that.
I got, like, a shoulder thing.
Yeah? It's nothing.
Sometimes when I lift things up, you know, it hurts.
Up here between the neck and the shoulder blade? Yeah, it's like a knot.
I know.
I got that.
What are you doing lifting things, Ray? Uh, you know, Debra- she's got me doing this and doing that.
Oh, the wives.
That's a pain we can't get rid of.
Until you're O'Neal.
Put that in your column.
I should, I should.
I should put it in.
I got up twice last night to pee.
Oh yeah.
At least he got up.
Debra, I'm gonna put Raymond's cannolis in your refrigerator.
All right.
Ma, why can't I just grab one of those? No, Robbie.
I made it especially for Raymond to cheer him up.
So he gets 10 cannolis, and I get none? He's having a life crisis.
Life crisis When I got divorced, I had to beg you for a piece of raisin toast.
Oh, there he is.
How was it, dear? Did you have a nice time? You know, I did.
I really did.
Was I right, or was I right? The lodge is heaven on earth.
I gotta tell you, that steam room- that was exactly what I needed.
Aw, that's great, honey.
I'm glad you were able to relax.
Yes, the steam room must've been nice.
I've never been invited to the lodge.
But that's okay.
I can always work up a sweat by chasing a psychopath down the subway track.
You know, Ray, you fit right in.
I was worried you were gonna say something stupid or liberal.
I actually liked talking to those guys.
That's terrific.
Have 10 cannolis.
Oh, I forgot.
I made you a special treat, Raymond.
Sit down.
So what do you say, Ray? You gonna join the brotherhood? The guys say you'd be a shoo-in.
You know what? Yeah.
I think I would like that.
Wait a minute.
You wanna join the lodge? It'll be great.
I'll be your father, but I'll also be your brother.
All right, that's it! No! Robbie, Robbie! Robbie! Robbie! Robbie, give it to me! Oh, Robbie! Oh, Robbie.
Oh, stop that.
Ray, come on.
I know you had a good time there today, but you don't wanna join.
Why wouldn't he? Because he's not a 100! Percent sure he wants to join.
No, I know what you're saying, Debra, but I don't know.
When I was in that steam room, it just felt right.
I mean, I-I think it's what I've been looking for.
Sweaty man boobs? I don't like that, Robert.
I mean, I was comfortable.
You know, I was relaxed.
I was happy.
Plus, I gotta say, everyone told me you were, like, the best-looking guy in there.
Of course he was.
He's the "before" in a room full of "afters.
" Is that what it is, Ray? Just made you feel young to be around those guys? No.
I actually felt like I belonged.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
Well, I mean, you're the one who told me to grow up.
I didn't say grow all the way up.
What is the appeal, just sitting in a steam room? We also play cards.
And don't forget the naked swimming.
I haven't even been, and I can't forget.
No no.
Let me tell ya, after that steam, a couple of nude laps, whoo you can really feel the pool.
Come on, Ray.
You don't wanna do this.
You don't wanna join the lodge.
Look, I tried everything else, right? I tried- went out with my friends, I didn't like that.
I didn't like the bookstore thing.
I mean, this is all I have left.
No, it isn't.
I mean, we do things together.
We go out.
We go to dinner, we go to the movies.
I gotta tell you, you know, some of those movies we see, they're all kind of stupid.
The last movie I saw was "Patton.
" All right, Frank.
And you know when I'll go back to the movies? "Son of Patton.
" And then everybody's always talking in 'em, and it's always freezing.
In fact, is there, like, a draft in here? There's a blanket in the living room.
Maybe you'd be more comfortable in there.
I am a little tired.
Oh, gosh! My shoulder's on the fritz again.
You sit down and put your feet up.
Yes, Raymond.
Can I get you anything? Some Melba toast? A catheter? I'm all locked up.
It's like a big knot.
Is it in here? You need more time in that steam room.
I'll pick you up tomorrow morning at 9:00.
We don't come out until everything's soft.
I may throw up.
We got- we have, like, a heating pad? Well, this is great, Ray.
This is just great.
You went from an immature teenager to a tired old geezer with no stops in between.
And what did I get? I got ripped off, that's what I got.
I never got to be married to a man, a regular grownup man.
Do you have to yell? Could everybody please leave now? What do you mean? I just need everyone to go.
- Yeah, but- - Marie, please go.
Debra, you should probably turn him every half-hour so he doesn't get bedsores.
Are you gonna be all right- Marie, he'll be fine.
What are you doing? I'm just checking to see how old you really are.
Well? I'm a little tired.
Oh my God.
But not too tired.
I thought your shoulder hurt.
I'm not gonna use my shoulder.
Thanks for giving me a shot here, Dad.
Yeah yeah.
Take it easy.
All right, here's the big one.
Hey, guys.
- Hey, Robert.
- Hi.
You're in pretty good shape, Robert.
I guess you don't eat too many doughnuts.
'Cause cops eat doughnuts.
So your wife is gonna let you join? Actually, I'm not married.
Oh, that's right, guys, red alert.
We're sitting naked with a confirmed bachelor.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Listen, you don't have to worry about me.
I can tell you that right now.
Ha ha ha.
Hey, Robert, it's hot in here.
Why don't you take your sweater off? Ha ha ha ha ha.
Good one.
Good one.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Why don't you take your wig off? Now, what the hell is that supposed to mean? N- nothing.
I was just kidding around.
You're just a wise guy, I see.
Hey hey hey.
Take it easy, take it easy.
What did I do? - Just keep moving.
- But I didn't do anything.
Get him out of here, Frank.
Bring back the funny one.

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