Everybody Loves Raymond s07e06 Episode Script

Robert Needs Money

- Hey.
- Hey, Robert.
What are you doing? Aw, nothing.
Just thought I'd come by, see what you guys are doing.
We're going to the movies.
You know, if you want, you can c-come.
Naw naw, that's okay.
No, yeah.
C- Come.
We were gonna go as a couple, but you can ruin it if you want.
Well, that's sweet of you, but no no.
No no.
Come on, Robert.
Come with us, huh? You can call somebody, we'll make it a double date.
By the time he gets a date, the movie'll be on video.
Actually, movies really aren't in my budget right now.
- Really? - Budget? What, the new giant tax kick in? If you must know, they're making a lot of pay cuts at the precinct.
They're cutting back on the hours, and people are just scrambling to make ends meet.
Robert, I had no idea.
Why the cutbacks? Crime's at a 30-year low.
It's tough on everybody.
And guys, they're having to take second jobs, people are dipping into their retirement funds.
It's rough out there.
So, I had to cancel my cable, but thought maybe I can come over here and watch a movie on your satellite.
You canceled cable? Oh, yeah, but that's okay.
I gotta shift my focus, re-evaluate my priorities.
You couldn't keep basic cable? I'm doing what needs to be done, Raymond, across the board.
You'd be surprised how inexpensive and versatile bologna is.
What are you talking about? Bologna.
It's great.
I made it in casseroles, stew, salad.
I even put it into a pie.
How was that? Not too good.
Robert, I'm a little worried about you.
No no, I'm fine.
I'm a grownup.
Well, here.
Mommy made some cookies.
You guys go ahead.
You have a good time.
All right, come on.
Let's go.
Now that I don't have cookies, I gotta get Goobers.
Ray, what about Robert? Well, he's coming off bologna pie.
We need to help him.
What do you mean, like milk? Money.
He needs money.
Weren't you listening? Yeah.
He didn't ask for money.
Because he's too proud to ask.
Well, it's a good system- he keeps his pride, we keep our money.
Ray, we are in pretty good shape financially.
I would never bring it up if I didn't think we could afford to help him.
He can't even go to the movies.
Neither can I! I say we give him some money.
You're always saying things.
All right then, a loan.
Come on, he's fine.
Ray, look at him.
I'm so glad we're doing this.
Whoa whoa.
Wait a minute.
How much we gonna give him? Like $1,000.
$1,000? It has to be enough to help him, Ray.
Help him, but $1,000? What about that thing, teach a man to fish so he doesn't take your $1,000? His bills are piling up.
This will get him out from under them.
What is the matter with you? It's just I like $1,000.
Ray, he's your brother.
I thought you guys were going to the movies.
I thought so too.
Ray and I were talking, and we wanna lend you some money.
What? It's not a big deal.
We don't have to talk about it.
Okay? Here.
Just take it.
This is $1,000.
This is so sweet of you.
It's okay, Robert.
I can't take this.
All right, if that's how you feel.
Ray! Look, Robert, it's okay.
It's okay.
It's just a loan.
Yeah, but that's just it.
The way things are, I don't know when I'll be able to pay it back.
And I can't live with that.
But you know what? I'll never forget that you offered it to me.
This means so much to me.
Here, take it.
It's a gift.
We want you to have it, Robert, and we don't want you to worry about it.
Thank you.
Come here.
This really helps, Raymond.
It's okay, Robert.
You're my brother! Hey.
We're here to pick up the kids, unless you wanna keep 'em.
Frank, we brought you some doughnuts.
The kids were here two days in a row.
There better be some eclairs in here.
Sorry, Dad.
I guess you don't want 'em.
- Get lost.
- Hi, dears.
- Hey, Marie.
- Hey.
What are those, doughnuts? Get lost.
You better save one for Robbie.
He's coming over.
Oh, great.
Mopey Dick.
He's in a very good mood now.
He's not Mopey Dick.
He sounded so happy.
What's going on? Yeah, we did a nice thing.
Hey, it's a box of doughnuts.
You're not Mother Teresa.
No! Dad, we did something for Robert.
What did you do? He just told us that he's been going through a rough patch financially, so we helped him out a little.
You mean with money? Yeah.
How much? $1,000.
What are you two, idiots? No.
We thought it was the right thing to do.
And you heard Marie.
He's finally happy.
Why didn't he come to us if he needed money? Because we'd say no.
I'm his mother.
I'm the one he should come to if he needed money.
Raymond, I wanna buy out that loan.
No! No way! Lending money to Robert is the stupidest thing I ever heard.
It wasn't a loan, it was a gift.
I stand corrected.
Why don't you see how many doughnuts you can get in your mouth, Dad? Oh, they're all going in.
But let me tell you something about giving money: First of all, you never just offer it to anybody.
They gotta come to you with a really good reason and a whole plan to pay you back.
And then, only after they prove they're good for it, you tell 'em, "Beat it, loser.
" So you just humiliate them? No.
They shame themselves.
They learn a lesson.
And if they don't, screw them.
Who needs friends like that? Hey, everybody! How's it going? Nice to see everybody.
Okay, see? Happy.
Yeah, it's nice.
Why wouldn't he come to me? I'll see you guys later.
Hey, where you going? Robbie, do you want a doughnut? Oh, I'd love to, Ma, but there's a couple things I have to take care of before I go on vacation.
Vacation? Yep.
Las Vegas, Nevada! Oh, I need my flip-flops.
Did he just say he's going to Las Vegas? Nevada! Robert.
Robert! Yeah?! Do you have a moment?! Can you believe this? Hey.
What's up, bro? Well, bro, word has it you're going to Vegas.
I'm hopping on the big silver bird at 8:45 tomorrow.
By 1:45, the Emperor's Buffet at Caesars Palace- shrimp, tacos, waffles and turkey legs! And, hey, while you're in Vegas, you can pick up Ray's "Sucker of the Year" award.
Wait a minute.
Robert, Are you sure you can afford to go to Las Vegas? Well, I can now, thanks to you.
But you were eating bologna pie! Debra, why would you make that for him? I didn't make it.
Robert was saying he's been eating bologna and everything because he has no money.
Yeah, we thought you would use that $1,000 to, I don't know, keep yourself alive.
What do you mean? What do I mean? What about all your problems and your bills? You see, I thought about that, but those things'll always be there.
When else am I gonna have an extra $1,000 to go to Vegas? That wasn't an extra $1,000.
Robert, can I say something? Going to Las Vegas seems a bit extravagant for someone in your position.
Well, my position is extremely stressed and needing a vacation.
Oh, if you need a vacation, Robbie, you know where I always wanted to go? Hershey, Pennsylvania.
We could watch them make chocolate.
Yeah, you're gonna watch.
All right, I'll see you guys later.
Hold it, Robert.
You don't see anything wrong with taking my money and going to Vegas? You mean the money I never asked for that you gave me as a gift? Come on! You came in our house with a big crying act, and then you ate all my cookies.
Can I just say something? No.
The last thing you said cost me $1,000.
I didn't give you that money so you could go to Vegas.
Oh, I'm sorry I didn't read the small print on the check.
I didn't realize your gifts came with rules attached.
"Here's the money, and here's a list of things you can do with it.
" You know what I mean.
If you gave me a chair, would you tell me how to sit in it? "Here, Robert.
I gave you this chair.
Don't sit like this.
Sit like this!" Now, Robert I gave you that money, and you hugged me.
And I let you hug me.
And I said, "You're my brother.
" You take that money and you go to Vegas with it, you're not my brother.
Oh, really? You know, I once lost a friend over $50.
And I'll tell ya, sometimes when I'm driving, I still think about that $50.
Come in! Get out! Can I talk to you? Look, I might've said some things back there that I probably shouldn't have said.
It's fine, Raymond.
You like that flavor combo? Yes, I do.
And I'm gonna save some for later.
Robert, I'm sorry, all right? I guess I reacted badly because, I don't know, I was kind of shocked.
I didn't mean to imply that you're not my brother or that I don't want you to be my brother.
You're my brother, okay? Thank you, Raymond.
That means a lot to me.
I think I understand now where you're coming from.
I'm gonna go pack.
Wait wait wait! You're still going? What do you mean? You just apologized.
I apologized for saying you're not my brother, but why would I apologize for you taking my money and going to Vegas with it? Because you realize that only a heartless dictator, or Mom, would tell people how to live their lives.
You're calling me a heartless dictator or Mom?! You're exactly the same.
So why don't you just leave me alone and go back to Raymondland, where all the birds sing your name and the squirrels press your pants for you? Oh, I see.
Oh, I have the life, right? Oh, it never ends for Raymond.
I'm lucky, right? I have so much money to give away that you can just take it and go to Vegas with it, and that'll be your big "Screw you" to me.
Oh, yeah? Well, then, I'll tell you what, see? Why don't you just take your check back? Because the bottom line is you can't stand to see me happy.
No, you take it.
You take this check.
I don't want it.
You take it.
Stop it! You take it! It's worth $1,000 not to hear any of your crap again.
My crap is true! What is it, huh? It's like you wanna take my money 'cause you think I don't even deserve it in the first place.
Oh my God.
You do think that.
You do think that! Gimme my check back! I didn't say that! You didn't not say it.
Oh, come on, Raymond, be honest.
You're telling me that luck hasn't played a small role in your life? Where? What? How am I luckier than you? Look at me! Look how I'm living, look how I eat! Bologna and orange juice, like an animal! Why do you think I have to go to Vegas? Because I'm not lucky, Raymond.
I need a break from my life! Here.
Go to Vegas.
I can't.
I don't want to.
Sorry for what I said, Raymond.
You deserve everything you got.
I'm just a jealous jerk.
I don't know what you're jealous about.
I mean you dream of taking a vacation in Vegas.
You know what I dream of? Five minutes in the bathroom without a gang of maniacs pounding on the door.
Yeah, but at least if you pass out in there, you've got someone to come and find you.
What do you do in the bathroom? Hey, you know what? Why don't you come with me? Where? Vegas? Come on, the Barone Brothers on the Strip.
No I can't go there.
I'll go one day, probably 10 years from now to drag Ally out of a casino chapel.
Come on, white tigers, magical fountains.
They've got a hotel from every country.
It's like the whole world on one big hot street.
Hey, don't think I wouldn't love to go.
There's only one problem, and she's not a small problem.
All right, look, just tell her it would be really important to me.
Come on, two or three days.
Tell her.
She may not care if you're happy, but she likes me.
That's true.
Come on, Ray.
Two or three days.
Empty hotel room, minibar, pay-per-view movies.
Room-service cheeseburgers at 3:00 in the morning.
We're gonna need another thousand.
So how'd it go? It didn't go well.
Really? No.
Those things I said really hurt him.
Didn't you apologize? Yeah, I apologized.
He said it's gonna take more than an apology.
He said talk is cheap.
Well, what are you gonna do? I don't know.
I think he'd like it if I spent more time with him.
Yeah, that would be good.
He's thinking of, like, six days in Vegas.
What? That's what he said.
I told him, "No way.
I don't wanna go.
" He got this hurt look on his face, and then he turned his back to me, and I think he was crying 'cause he did one of those- I don't know.
I felt so bad.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I think maybe it's a good idea.
Yeah? You think? Yeah.
I think you should go.
And when you get there, see what the odds are of me being here when you get back.

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