Everybody Loves Raymond s08e06 Episode Script

Peter on the Couch

I am impressed.
You guys are so manly! Hurry up! I think I broke a nail! Oh! This burns! Awesome! Okay, you know where I was thinking we could put this? How about right here? Good.
Thanks so much for doing this, you guys.
And you both know if you ever need anything moved, you can always call Robert.
It's good to be married, isn't it? And, Peter, coming all the way from Pennsylvania just to help us move a couch.
Hey, any day out of Mom and Dad's house is a good day.
And you know what? Everyone on the bus really loved my harmonica.
They clapped when I got off.
You guys want to hear a tune? I really gotta go.
Yeah, you know what? I should probably get down to the bus station too.
Peter, don't be silly.
We should all sit and have dinner and relax.
Come on, Ray, you too.
Yeah, Ray! I'll stay if Ray stays.
Then it's a party! Gotta go! How about that? Ray had to go.
Aw I'll stay anyway.
Great! I'll go get dinner started.
Well! Good morning there, brother man! Hey Why don't you come on over and have a seat? I figured since I made raspberry waffles yesterday that we should probably go low carb, Officer Belly.
Oh! So did you sleep all right? Not especially.
I was out like a puppy in a pickup truck.
I gotta tell you, that sofa is more comfortable than my own bed.
Mother of God! Hey, sis! Good morning, boys.
Chow time.
Oh! Look how nice this is.
Wow, this is great.
Thanks so much, Peter.
Hey, come on.
It's what I do.
So, enjoy.
Mmm! This is delicious.
So Peter day three! Yeah.
You know what he does? He uses fresh scallions in the eggs.
Did you notice he was wearing my shirt? I guess he just went into the drawer and helped himself.
Actually, I gave it to him.
Ah! He needs something to wear while he rinses out his clothes.
He only had the one outfit.
Yeah, I noticed his underwear hanging on the doorknob, which reminds me if you go out today, pick up a new doorknob.
Oh, that's right.
I also gave him a pair of your briefs.
I had to pin them.
Amy um maybe it's just me, but all you did was ask him to dinner, and now he's living on our couch.
Oh, Robert, he's been nothing but nice and helpful since he got here.
I'm sorry.
Honey I can't live like this.
What are you doing? Come on.
Amy, stop crying.
Please don't cry.
You know I can't stand it when look! Fruit! No you're right.
It's my fault.
I know you never liked Peter.
I never should've let him stay.
But I thought maybe you'd get to know him, 'cause he's really very sweet.
No no, I know, but you have to admit, he's a little No I know.
We all know! Then why do we need him here? Because he's my brother.
You know, Robert, I make an effort with your family.
I try because they're a little too! I know, I know.
Stop crying.
Stop crying.
Hey! How are the vittles? Taking care of the old rumbly in the tumbly? So, Peter have you spoken to Mom and Dad? Yeah, I called them yesterday.
You know what I told them? I told them how much I love it here.
And they go, "When are you coming home?" And I go, "I'll see ya when I see ya.
New York is my lady.
" That's great, Peter.
What did they say? They didn't know what to say.
They're so wrapped up in their little puritanical Pennsylvanian snow globe of a world.
I mean, this really shook 'em up, man! That's great, man.
Listen, guys, when you're done eating, just put the plates in the sink, and I'll get to them later.
Right now there's a mudpack with my name on it! - Hey! - Hey! - Hi! - Hey.
Is that Ray? Hi, Ray! Hi, Debbie.
Hi, Peter.
So you're back in town again? No no, not again still! We'd better get going if we want to eat before the movie, right? All right! We could use a night out! I'm sorry.
I wasn't clear on the arrangements.
I thought it was just going to be the four of us.
Oh well couldn't it be the five of us? Well, sure.
But is that really fair to Ray and Debra? Tsk! Do you guys mind? - Whatever you want.
- Sure, that'd be fine.
Yeah yeah, you can go.
So I guess you're the only one with the problem.
No, Peter.
I don't have a problem.
Seems like you do.
Seems like you do have a problem.
Robert, Peter, please.
- Now, Amy, I can handle this guy.
- You gonna handle me? Is anybody else hungry? Come on, let's go.
Amy was wrong about you.
You're not nice, you're not sensitive, and you're not a gracious host.
Get out of my underwear! All right.
You want it, you have it.
- Hey hey! - No no! Hey! Everybody, stay in the underwear that brung ya! I'm sorry, Amy, but I've had it with him! - Robert! - No! We're never alone anymore.
You and I haven't even been friendly since he got here.
Robert! I'm sorry.
I just want to be your friend! You know something? Enjoy your movie.
I'm going back to Mom and Dad's.
- Finally.
- Peter, wait.
I'm walking to the bus station.
You're never gonna be able to get a bus home tonight.
Then I'll sleep there overnight.
Nobody judges you on the floor of the bus station.
You can't sleep down there! Robert, please, do something! All right! I'll drive him back to Pennsylvania.
Oh yeah, that's what I need you, me, and no witnesses.
Well, we're not letting you sleep at the bus station.
Agh! Well, I'm not staying here.
Then at least let me drive you back.
No, Amy, you are not driving all the way to Pennsylvania tonight! You're gonna stay here and be my friend! Maybe Peter could stay at our house tonight.
No no, our house, it's broken.
Look, he won't go with Robert.
He can't go with Amy.
He can't sleep at the bus station.
You either drive him to Pennsylvania, or he sleeps at our house.
You know, even though your brother and I have had our differences, you and me are totally copacetic, home fry.
What exit are we looking for? Oh, don't worry, you've got a while yet.
Oh, boy.
Hello! Oh, Peter! Oh, Mama! Oh, it's been so long.
Let me look at you.
Hello, Ray.
What a surprise.
Hi hi, Mrs.
Uh, it was quite a long drive.
Could I use your facilities? Certainly.
Come in.
Right through there and to the left.
There are cherubs on the door.
Uh, Mama, what are you working on here? Oh, just tidying up a bit.
Yeah, Mama, but these are all my Foghat albums.
What are you doing touching these? Pat, you won't believe the filth he's got down there.
Have you ever heard of something called "Mad Magazine"? Oh, Peter.
My stuff! What are you doing touching my stuff?! Well, you see, Peter, we're sort of reconsidering the layout of the basement.
What do you mean? How it would lay out if you were gone.
So, wait a second.
I take off for a week, and you're moving me out? We're changing the basement into a prayer- and-Bible-study room.
What?! Well, Peter, when you said New York was your lady, we were a little concerned, but then we sort of got used to the idea.
And as time went by, we thought, "Our boy's growing up.
He's ready to be on his own.
" Good luck, son.
So, that's it? I'm sorry, Peter, but we gave your room to Jesus.
Jesus doesn't need a room! His dad didn't throw him out! I need my kitty! Where's Miss Puss? Miss Puss-Puss! She's outside.
What?! Outside?! No! Miss Puss is an inside cat! Not anymore.
Oh! All right.
Thank you.
You got one of those seats that keeps falling down.
Don't worry, though.
It all worked out.
You're the worst parents in the whole world! Okay.
Good night.
Wait, Ray! You know something? I don't need to live here anymore! I'll just go where I'm appreciated, okay? And I hope Jesus does a good job mowing the lawn! Ray, give me a hand with these, will you? Thanks.
What happened? What's going on? Where's he going? Hi, Ray.
Thanks so much.
You put the fruitcake back in the box? Yeah, but turns out nobody likes fruitcake.
Miss Puss? Miss Puss-Puss? Oh God! She scratched me and then ran up a tree.
My parents screwed her up too.
Peter, I thought you went back home.
I have no home.
I'm gonna go see if I can get Miss Puss back with a saucer of milk.
What? What happened? Well, your father said they're going to turn his room into a prayer chamber or something.
Why doesn't that guy just put a steeple on his roof and call it a day? I can't believe it.
They said that he's a grown man and he should get on with his life.
So now he's here to end ours.
But that just doesn't sound like my parents.
They loved having him there.
They did everything for him.
Amy, dear, you have to understand.
A child is like a baby robin you feed him, you nurture him, you get him strong so when the time comes, he's ready to fly away and bring you back grand-robins.
And no matter how much you want him to, sometimes there's a robin who just won't fly away.
And before you know it, you got a 40-year-old robin who can't lift his ass out of the nest.
I guess it had been going on for so long that we all just got used to it, but I know Yeah.
A 40-year-old man still living at his parents' house is a little weird.
Well, the boy gets used to certain things your mother doing your laundry for you and fixing your meals.
Changing your diaper.
Taking your temperature the old-fashioned way.
They don't do that anymore, right? Hey This is 2%.
Miss Puss will never go for this.
Rough night, huh? Oh, yeah yeah.
I heard you all in there laughing.
I wasn't laughing.
Oh, yeah right.
Listen, Peter, I know what you're going through.
No, you don't.
Do you know that if I had come home 10 minutes later, I would've had to go through the garbage to find my blueprints to the Batcave? I wasn't out of my folks' house 10 minutes before my dad started putting in a Jacuzzi where my bed used to be.
They put in a Jacuzzi? Well, your parents are cool.
Come look at 'em use it.
Not so cool.
Man, I just didn't see this one coming.
Every night my mother would leave a plate of cookies and a cup of hot cocoa outside my door.
Does that say "Get the hell out" to you? Yeah, they send you all these mixed signals.
My mom was the same way.
With the food all the meats and the sauces.
You're all doped up like a bear in the zoo.
You don't want to be there, but you lose the will to escape.
Yeah yeah! And I thought I was doing them a favor by staying.
Yeah, me too.
They want you there until they don't want you there.
You know, I got the raw deal 'cause I was the oldest.
So they made all their mistakes with me.
Yeah, me too.
It's like I was the practice kid.
It's like, "Oh well, now we know not to drop Raymond.
" You know, in my house, it was, "Not now, Peter.
Amy's playing the piano.
Take off your cape and eat your dinner.
" You hungry? Man, I am starved! I tried to get your brother to stop, but he was driving so fast.
Come on.
I'll bet there's something in the fridge.
Well, I hear they're looking for people.
Ma, Peter's not even Catholic.
They're not gonna let him be a priest! I tell you what he should do: Join the service.
Put a little fuzz on the kiwis.
Debbie, Raymond, I appreciate the generous offer, but I won't be staying with you tonight.
He's coming home with us.
Really? Really? Tomorrow after breakfast, I'm taking him by my old building.
Robert says his old apartment is still available, and, apparently, there's quite an active social scene there, so Robert! That's a wonderful idea! I can't wait to tell Miss Puss! I'm really proud of you.
Yeah, he's a good kid.
Come on.
Let's go renew our friendship.
Ah Pays to be nice.
Those two think their troubles are over.
Believe me, you don't want a relative like that living so close to you.
You can never get rid of 'em.
Look what Peter left in my car.
He is so annoying.
He's not so bad.
No? Here, try four hours of this.
Did you rinse that off first? Ugh! Idiot.

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