Everybody Loves Raymond s09e02 Episode Script

Not So Fast

They bought a condominium in New Jersey-- the Garden State Villas.
We want to move there.
We get the house.
- What? - Our own house! Goodbye.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, my goodness! Oh, it's been so long since l've seen you.
Yeah yeah yeah.
Third time in two weeks, Ma.
Only the third time.
Come in, sit down.
Your father's just on his way back from the dining hall.
What do you do, hose him of and send him back? Oh, boy.
Are you all right, Raymond? Yeah, it's just trafic the whole way.
Usually it takes lt took two hours today and-- but no, l'm good, l'm good.
l'm good.
How are you, Marie? l tell you, now that l'm in the Villa's production of ''The Unsinkable Molly Brown''-- as Molly-- l'm in constant rehearsal, and l'm in voice and movement classes and yoga.
Oh, and by the way, Raymond, you need to stop by the ofice and cosign some insurance waiver for me.
No brakes! No brakes! Oh! Hi, Frank.
Hey, Dad, l'm a little hungry.
Why don't you drive me to the dining hall? No, l don't want to waste my guest passes.
Raymond, sit down.
l'll fix us some lunch and then we can have a nice conversation.
So, how are you, Frank? Fat.
The dining hall is open 24 hours, plus Marie is cooking up a storm.
Some days l eat 10 times.
Well, l'm glad to see that condo living still agrees with you.
Yep, l'll tell you all about it after l visit the throne room.
The seat in there is cushioned and heated.
Ray, before you go home, you gotta give it a test drive.
Try and stop me.
Boy, l have never seen your parents this happy.
Then again, l've never seen them happy.
Yeah, no, they're happy.
So how long we gotta stay? Ray.
l'm just saying, you'll eat your sandwich, then we'll get a jump on the trafic on the way back.
All right, enough with the trafic.
So you have to do a little driving.
That problem is more than outweighed by the fact that l have been allowed to exit hell.
lt's just like you like, Raymond-- egg salad with extra egg.
- All right, thanks, Ma.
- Yummy.
Ooh, l had a fantastic idea.
What if you and l have some one-on-one time? Next week, come by yourself and stay for a few days.
No, l mean You know what, Marie? That's a great idea.
l mean, l'm gonna miss Ray, but l'll just have to suck it up.
Hello? Oh, you got a phone in there too, huh? Yeah Right in here.
Thank you.
l'm Ray Barone.
Oh, great.
Please, have a seat.
- Thanks.
l'm Debra.
- Hi.
Yeah, my mom said l need to sign some insurance form for her.
And also ask about a rollaway bed for me.
Yes, Mr.
Barone, l'm glad you came by.
We need your parents to move out.
What? l'm sorry to be so blunt, but there have been a number of issues, and they need to go.
Wait a minute.
You're kicking them out? Yes.
l don't understand.
Frank and Marie seem incredibly happy here.
l assure you, they're the only ones.
Your father's been tearing around on his golf cart endangering pedestrians.
Oh? When our securit guards warn your father, he turns his cart and aims for them.
One time he shouted, uh ''Hit the monkey, win a cookie!'' lf this were the only issue, we might be able to work through it.
But your father's overall demeanor is sort of like a maniac.
One night we caught him inside the walk-in fridge eating an entire bologna.
But as bad as your father is Oh, boy.
your mother has brought the morale of our communit to an all-time low.
Go ahead, Katie.
None of the other women want to be around her.
You know, she has this way of appearing to give a compliment when actually she's insulting you.
And she's critical of everything-- clothing, hair cooking.
- l just - l don't know where this is coming from.
Marie must be making some friends.
lsn't she in the cast of ''The Unsinkable Molly Brown''? That is now a one-woman show.
And when l tried to talk to her about all this, she said that my rude tone might be the reason l don't have a husband.
So, we'd like you to take them with you.
We have people to help you pack.
Now hold on.
We are not gonna sit here and listen to you run down these good people.
l don't think you've even considered that the problem just may be everyone else.
Well, l-- Frank and Marie Barone are fine, religious people.
They might be opinionated, but l find that refreshing.
And Marie may have bruised some feelings, but it's important to remember that everything she does comes from love.
l understand that you're upset.
Please don't make us take them back! - l'm sorry-- - ls it money? 'Cause we could pay more money.
No, l'm sorry.
l'm sorry.
We have to think of the entire communit.
See, our philosophy here is ''Let's all be happy till the end.
'' Some of our residents have threatened to stop taking their medication.
l understand, but isn't there something that we just something? Ray? Can we live here? Don't you love our new couch? You know what? l really do.
l'm starting to love everything now.
l was gonna do my workout on the new Muscleflex after dinner but you know what? What? Drinking makes you happy with your body the way it is.
Hi, guys.
You're back early.
We have to talk.
About what? Hi.
What did you do to the house? Look who's here.
Marie, Frank.
We weren't expecting you to visit so soon.
Why didn't you tell us you were coming? We really have to talk.
Where are my things? Okay, all right, Ma, calm down.
No, you calm down.
First your father gets us kicked out of my dream condominium, and now these two have ruined the house.
Kicked out? Me? You're the one who sunk us, Molly Brown.
And you're the one who ate the whole bologna.
lt seems that Frank and Marie were asked to leave their retirement communit because well, you can imagine.
They were also asked to not live in any neighboring communities.
l don't understand.
l mean, l don't want to understand.
Oh, crap! - Robert, the new couch! - l'm sorry, l'm sorry.
That's why you have plastic on a sofa.
So you're not living there anymore? Just like that? lsn't there some sort of appeals process? l'm sorry.
ls it money? We can pay more money.
Amy, Amy-- l tried.
There is no amount.
Raymond, how could you let this happen? What are you talking about? l didn't let it happen.
But you just sat there.
l think deep down he wanted them to be kicked out because Ray doesn't like to drive in trafic.
Well, how do you like driving in this? Better get used to this 'cause it's what you're gonna be driving in, you selfish, selfish The couch! My arm! l liked that condo! l was the lead in a Broadway show! All right, stop it! Enough! Everybody just calm down.
l think l know what the problem is.
Part of me always thinks, ''Why can't Mom and Dad get along with Debra and me and Robert and Amy?'' And l say to myself, ''Maybe it's us.
'' Maybe it's us, because they're the parents and we're supposed to respect them and-- and honor them, like they're Chinese or something.
And we don't.
We don't always.
And maybe it's us.
But today after 40 years, l think l've actually figured something out.
lt's not us.
lt's you.
People from your own World War ll world have spoken.
And it's you! Had to be said.
Well, l guess you told me, Raymond.
Some have said that ours was the greatest generation.
But l guess you know better.
l had my dream toilet.
And now l'd like to inquire as to the whereabouts of my possessions-- my sofa and my piano.
They're in the basement.
Ah the basement.
So, l'm not gone a month and my priceless Bulgarian upright piano is in the basement.
And has been replaced by you with this.
Do you even know what that is, Ma? Yes, l do know what that is! l may be an ancient relic as far as you're concerned, but l'm still able to know what things are! This is a sex machine.
Ma! Can l go for a ride? lt's not a sex machine.
lt's for exercise.
l don't care what you call it.
Look at this place.
You two have turned my home into the Playboy Mansion.
Ma, we've hardly changed anything.
l need my aspirin.
Does someone want to explain to me what is happening now? Yeah, you might have a problem.
A problem? Um-hmm.
l bought this house fair and square for $26,000, Raymond.
Okay, all right.
But where are they gonna go? Where are they gonna go? How about your house? - l don't think so.
- Oh, l do think so.
All right, all right.
All right.
Robert, you have every right to be upset.
But l will get a stepladder and fight you to the death over this.
- l'll fight you both.
- Robert! l don't care anymore! l'll go to prison.
- Put her on your shoulders, Raymond! - l don't need her.
How about l hit you with your own wife? Stop! Stop! Stop! There's all this strange food in the refrigerator.
But first, let's put everything back where it was, and then l'll go food shopping.
No, Ma, we're not putting anything back.
You understand? The furniture is staying right here, and so is my Muscleflex.
Okay? This is our house now! And if you'll excuse me, good night.
Aaah! Oohh! Oohhh! Oohhh! - Robert-- - No.
- May l say something? - No! No, see, l know you, okay? And you're gonna start talking, and then you're gonna be all nice and sweet and loving, and then we're screwed! This is definitely not a sex machine.
- Robert-- - No! You don't talk any more! Stop.
This has been a very upsetting day for me and for your father.
And l don't know which is worse, honestly-- the heartlessness of a societ that has such little regard for its aging population, or the rejection of one's own family.
All right.
You know what, Ma? You win.
You can take the house.
We're gonna move back into Amy's apartment.
Call your landlord.
Um, unfortunately, that's impossible.
lt was rent-controlled and it's gone already.
Well, you're welcome to live here until you find a place.
Oh-- oh, no no no no no no.
No no.
You see, that is never gonna happen, okay? So just get that out of your big, blonde head.
- No way.
- Wait-- You know, maybe we could save up for our own place quicker if we stay here for a while.
And besides, we just spent a fortune on furniture, and we can't even return the couch or the Muscleflex because you just ruined them sweetie.
My life-- what has happened to my life? Was this your plan? Huh? You sat up there and you put me through everything and then let me end up like this? Well, let me tell you something, mister: you are not funny.
He does screw with him a lot.
lf in fact you are serious about your proposal, then we accept.
You see, everything happens for a reason.
And the important thing is, we'll be together.
Ha ha! Ha ha! Sorry.
No, l'm sorry.
l got a good feeling about this.
l hate this chair.
But then again, my ass has been spoiled.
What's up, neighbor? Ma wants to know if you and Debra are coming over to watch the opera on television with them and us tomorrow night.
Nah l don't think so.
That's what l told her.
This is the saddest thing l've ever seen.
Hi, Amy.
How's it going? Marie wanted to make sure you knew before you decided, that Placido Domingo was singing this particular opera.
Oh, yeah? Thanks.
But l don't think so.
That's what l told her.
God is funny.

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